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Loving Sander
An American photography scholar working in Holland has befriended the ten-year-old son of colleagues there. Over the next two years, Will is increasingly caught up in tensions between Sander's mother Marijke and her estranged husband Niek over his growing intimacy with Sander. And the boy himself - lovable but difficult - is ever more demanding. As Sander's twelfth birthday draws near, Will has to decide whether to return to San Francisco and the security of an academic life, or remain in Amsterdam, where he must face the risks of his friendship and Sander's expressed need for him.
160 pages, Paperback
First published October 1, 1996
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April 29, 2026
It is extraordinary how a mere thirty years can present such a monumental change in attitudes as those that have occurred since the year this novel was published by Gay Mens Press in the UK (1997) regarding what I shelve as 'literature-boy-love'. Almost certainly if GMP still existed today it would not publish 'Loving Sander' - apparently no one will; which explains why copies of this novel sell for £100+ second hand (see my footnote *1 below). Even by 1997 the days when this sort of boy-love fiction was allowed to shelter comfortable under a 'gay' moniker was nearly over (see my footnote *2 below).
I have rated this novel as bad-disappointing and awarded it one star (see my footnote *3 below) not for any moral reason because I believe with Oscar Wilde:
"There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written, or badly written. That is all,"
[From the Preface to Wilde's 1890 novel, 'The Picture of Dorian Gray'].
'Loving Sander' is not badly written but it is the worst sort of novel - a propagandising novel - almost all 'boy'love' stories are (the novels of Tony Duvert are the only ones I know which are not). There is the most appalling misogyny throughout the novel - every female character is a grotesque, without any motivation but to hinder the heroes selfless 'love' for the prepubescent (see my footnote *4 below) boy that he is currently obsessed with. This misogyny is something that you will find in almost all boy-love stories. These stories involve boys whose fathers are dead or as in 'Loving Sander' indifferent and the boy-lover is someone like a Deus ex machina who comes out of the blue and becomes not only a father/older brother figure to the boy but also provides financial and other support to the mother so the boy can realise his potential. That the hero is unappreciated and treated with suspicion, but also exploited, goes without saying. For some reason the enemies of the boy-lover, almost invariably one or more women, insist on viewing his actions - taking nude photos of the boy, wrestling the naked boy, having the naked boy sleep with him - are inexplicably viewed as suspicious. The women don't seem to realise it is the boy who is the one who likes parading around naked. He is asking for sex.
Of course what any pre or post pubescent boy without a father and mother with little time to spare because of struggling financially is looking for is stability and he will offer anything to keep the stability and love that the hero constantly threatens to withdraw. After all in 'Loving Sander':
"...(Will) an American photography scholar working in Holland has befriended the ten-year-old son of colleagues...As Sander's twelfth birthday draws near, Will has to decide whether to return to San Francisco and the security of an academic life, or remain in Amsterdam..."
Will can walk away from Sander, something Sander's much derided mother would never do. Boy-lover's love is always conditional, and temporary, there is no long term here - once Sander, or any boy, gets acne and enters puberty the interest of men like the narrator Will in Sander disappears. They'll wrap it up with the excuse that their 'job' is done and it is time for them to move on but honestly Sander is, for men like Will, no different to a puppy bought at Christmas and disposed of by Easter when it is no longer cute and little.
It is the depth of deception in this type of boy-love literature I find intolerable. There is never the slightest acknowledgement that there are men out there who would take advantage of boys like Sander - nor do they wish to discuss how damaging it might be for a boy to find himself discarded once puberty hits (there is a wonderful portrayal of just such a boy in 'As If By Magic' by the late Angus Wilson). Everything is viewed through the eyes of the boy-lover, not the boy-loved but the refusal to entertain even the possibility that there could be problems is just silly.
I think I have written enough about this silly book.
*1 I found a copy in near mint condition for circa £5.00 and couldn't resist it. I figured if the novel was bad I could no doubt make a profit on the resale.
*2 I recommend reading the following article on 'Loving Sander' at: https://www.greek-love.com/index.php/.... In the course of the article it is mentioned that it was published by Gay Mens Press and the author quickly points out GMP did not only publish 'gay' books back then. One of the more bizarre aspects of those who read boy-love books like 'Loving Sander' is that they ferociously deny that 'boy lovers' are gay/homosexual/queer and are most insistent that the boys they love go on to live 'normal' (i.e. heterosexual) lives. The level of self-deception/self-loathing amongst 'boy lovers' is worthy of a study in itself.
*3 I always award at least one star because if I award none it will not lower the books overall average but awarding it one star certainly will.
*4 'Classic' boy-love stories almost invariably involve boys in the age range 10-14 - and the relationship always starts before the boy has entered puberty.
I have rated this novel as bad-disappointing and awarded it one star (see my footnote *3 below) not for any moral reason because I believe with Oscar Wilde:
"There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written, or badly written. That is all,"
[From the Preface to Wilde's 1890 novel, 'The Picture of Dorian Gray'].
'Loving Sander' is not badly written but it is the worst sort of novel - a propagandising novel - almost all 'boy'love' stories are (the novels of Tony Duvert are the only ones I know which are not). There is the most appalling misogyny throughout the novel - every female character is a grotesque, without any motivation but to hinder the heroes selfless 'love' for the prepubescent (see my footnote *4 below) boy that he is currently obsessed with. This misogyny is something that you will find in almost all boy-love stories. These stories involve boys whose fathers are dead or as in 'Loving Sander' indifferent and the boy-lover is someone like a Deus ex machina who comes out of the blue and becomes not only a father/older brother figure to the boy but also provides financial and other support to the mother so the boy can realise his potential. That the hero is unappreciated and treated with suspicion, but also exploited, goes without saying. For some reason the enemies of the boy-lover, almost invariably one or more women, insist on viewing his actions - taking nude photos of the boy, wrestling the naked boy, having the naked boy sleep with him - are inexplicably viewed as suspicious. The women don't seem to realise it is the boy who is the one who likes parading around naked. He is asking for sex.
Of course what any pre or post pubescent boy without a father and mother with little time to spare because of struggling financially is looking for is stability and he will offer anything to keep the stability and love that the hero constantly threatens to withdraw. After all in 'Loving Sander':
"...(Will) an American photography scholar working in Holland has befriended the ten-year-old son of colleagues...As Sander's twelfth birthday draws near, Will has to decide whether to return to San Francisco and the security of an academic life, or remain in Amsterdam..."
Will can walk away from Sander, something Sander's much derided mother would never do. Boy-lover's love is always conditional, and temporary, there is no long term here - once Sander, or any boy, gets acne and enters puberty the interest of men like the narrator Will in Sander disappears. They'll wrap it up with the excuse that their 'job' is done and it is time for them to move on but honestly Sander is, for men like Will, no different to a puppy bought at Christmas and disposed of by Easter when it is no longer cute and little.
It is the depth of deception in this type of boy-love literature I find intolerable. There is never the slightest acknowledgement that there are men out there who would take advantage of boys like Sander - nor do they wish to discuss how damaging it might be for a boy to find himself discarded once puberty hits (there is a wonderful portrayal of just such a boy in 'As If By Magic' by the late Angus Wilson). Everything is viewed through the eyes of the boy-lover, not the boy-loved but the refusal to entertain even the possibility that there could be problems is just silly.
I think I have written enough about this silly book.
*1 I found a copy in near mint condition for circa £5.00 and couldn't resist it. I figured if the novel was bad I could no doubt make a profit on the resale.
*2 I recommend reading the following article on 'Loving Sander' at: https://www.greek-love.com/index.php/.... In the course of the article it is mentioned that it was published by Gay Mens Press and the author quickly points out GMP did not only publish 'gay' books back then. One of the more bizarre aspects of those who read boy-love books like 'Loving Sander' is that they ferociously deny that 'boy lovers' are gay/homosexual/queer and are most insistent that the boys they love go on to live 'normal' (i.e. heterosexual) lives. The level of self-deception/self-loathing amongst 'boy lovers' is worthy of a study in itself.
*3 I always award at least one star because if I award none it will not lower the books overall average but awarding it one star certainly will.
*4 'Classic' boy-love stories almost invariably involve boys in the age range 10-14 - and the relationship always starts before the boy has entered puberty.
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