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The Dove in the Belly
At the University of North Carolina, Ronny's made some friends, kept his secrets, survived dorm life, and protected his heart.
Until he can't. Ben is in some ways Ronny's opposite; he's big and solid where Ronny is small and slight. Ben's at UNC on a football scholarship. Confident, with that easy jock swagger and an explosive temper always simmering. He has a steady stream of girlfriends. Ben's aware of the overwhelming effect he has on Ronny. It's like a sensation of power. So easy to tease Ronny, throw playful insults, but it all feels somehow...loaded.
Meanwhile Ronny's mother has moved to Vegas with her latest husband. And Ben's mother is fighting advanced cancer. A bubble forms around the two, as surprising to Ronny as it is to Ben. Within it their connection ignites physically and emotionally. But what will happen when the tensile strength of a bubble is tested? When the rest of life intervenes?
The Dove in the Belly is about the electric, dangerous, sometimes tender but always powerful attraction between two very different boys. But it's also about the full cycles of love and life and how they open in us the twinned capacities for grief and joy.
Until he can't. Ben is in some ways Ronny's opposite; he's big and solid where Ronny is small and slight. Ben's at UNC on a football scholarship. Confident, with that easy jock swagger and an explosive temper always simmering. He has a steady stream of girlfriends. Ben's aware of the overwhelming effect he has on Ronny. It's like a sensation of power. So easy to tease Ronny, throw playful insults, but it all feels somehow...loaded.
Meanwhile Ronny's mother has moved to Vegas with her latest husband. And Ben's mother is fighting advanced cancer. A bubble forms around the two, as surprising to Ronny as it is to Ben. Within it their connection ignites physically and emotionally. But what will happen when the tensile strength of a bubble is tested? When the rest of life intervenes?
The Dove in the Belly is about the electric, dangerous, sometimes tender but always powerful attraction between two very different boys. But it's also about the full cycles of love and life and how they open in us the twinned capacities for grief and joy.
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First published May 3, 2022
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About the author
Jim Grimsley
47 books390 followersJim Grimsley published a new novel in May of 2022, The Dove in the Belly, out from Levine Querido. The book is a look at the past when queer people lived more hidden lives than now. Grimsley was born in rural eastern North Carolina. He has published short stories and essays in various quarterlies, including DoubleTake, New Orleans Review, Carolina Quarterly, New Virginia Review, the LA Times, and the New York Times Book Review. Jim’s first novel Winter Birds, was published in the United States by Algonquin Books in the fall of 1994. Winter Birds won the Sue Kaufman Prize for best first novel from the American Academy of Arts and Letters and was a finalist for the PEN/Hemingway Award. He has published other novels, including Dream Boy, Kirith Kirin, and My Drowning. His books are available in Hebrew, German, French, Spanish, Dutch, Italian, Japanese, and Portuguese. He has also published a collection of plays and most recently a memoir, How I Shed My Skin. His body of work as a prose writer and playwright was awarded the Academy Award in Literature from the American Academy of Arts and Letters in 2005. For twenty years he taught writing at Emory University in Atlanta.
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January 29, 2023
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in The Dove in the Belly, it's all about the 𝔂𝓮𝓪𝓻𝓷𝓲𝓷𝓰
The Dove in the Belly is a work of startling beauty that presents its readers with a piercing exploration of male intimacy and a mesmerizing study of queer desire that beautifully elaborates the many gradations of love. Jim Grimsley captures the pain of longing, articulating with exacting precision love’s double-edged nature, from its capacity to hurt and anguish us, to its ability to transfigure and revive us. The Dove in the Belly is a romance that is equal parts tender and brutal, one that is permeated by ambivalence and angst, but also affinity and ardor. As my boy Lacan would say, it’s all about the jouissance, that ‘backhanded enjoyment’ that ‘begins with a tickle and ends with blaze of petrol’. The love story that is at the heart of this narrative, which is as tender as it is fraught, is characterized by an exhilarating sense of impermanence. It is admirable that the author is able to breathe new life into what could easily be seen as a tired dynamic, that between the ‘straight’ jock and the more introverted intellectual. Perhaps the setting, mid-1970s, made me more amenable to become invested in these characters, despite their behaviour and attitudes, or maybe it is thanks to Grimsley’s unrelentingly gorgeous prose. Fact is, I fell in love with this book.
Most of the narrative takes place on the campus of the University of North Carolina, where both Ronny and Ben are enrolled. Ronny is studying English literature and journalism whereas Ben is there on a football scholarship. In many ways two are very much opposites, however, they form an unlikely camaraderie one that eventually sparks into a more meaningful friendship. Ronny’s attraction to Ben soon leads to a harder to shake infatuation, one that Ben is not only aware of but he seems to relish the power he has over Ronny. Of course, this kind of dynamic is not a healthy one, and Grimsley renders the confusing and contradictory jumble of emotions experienced by Ronny, the anguish and titillation he feels at being ‘seen’. While Ben’s unsparing words often hurt Ronny, we also see how often his cruelty is undercut by genuine affection. We also glimpse in his actions an ache that hints at something ‘more’...
Over the course of the summer holidays, their relationship transforms into something more charged, and the moments of playfulness and banter give way to a more (in)tense if tentative connection, one that is made all the more fragile by Ben’s deep-seated homophobia and by having to cope with his mother’s rapidly deteriorating health. Ronny, who is becoming more comfortable with his sexuality, struggles to maintain their relationship afloat, especially with Ben’s unwieldy temper. While the possibility of violence threatens many of their moments together, we also see the comfort they can give one another. Although I don’t like the word ‘frisson’ (i can’t explain it, it just makes me wanna exit the chat) it is a rather apt word to describe the current underlining many of Ben and Ronny's interactions.
My heart went out to Ronny. While some may find his fixation and devotion to Ben strange or frustrating, I understood it all too well. I loved how quiet, sensitive, and contemplative he was, as well as the way he observes the people and environments around him. While initially Ben stands in stark contrast against Ronny, as more of his character is ‘unveiled’ to us, I found myself softening to him. Make no mistake, Ben was still capable of upsetting me (he has a temper on him, he’s possessive, and when confronting things he doesn’t want to he goes into fight/flight mode) but, and this is a testament to Grimsley’s storytelling, I found myself unable and or unwilling to dismiss him as ‘toxic’ or ‘bad’.
Grimsley populates his novel with fully-formed individuals, who have lives, fears, and wishes, of their own (as opposed to serving as mere background ‘props’ to our main characters). I loved the rhythm of his dialogues, which reveal moments of discordance, whether a pause in the conversation is a sign of unease or contentment, the difficulties in expressing feelings that are ‘off limits’, and the feelings of desperation that sometimes motivate us to speak with seeming cruelty or indifference. I appreciated how empathic the author was, in not condemning his characters for their mistakes, and in his compassionate treatment of characters outside of Ronny and Ben.
The prose is something to behold. It had the capacity to move me to tears, surprise me with its delicate touch, inspire me with its elegantly turned phrases, and lacerate me with its fiercely observed insights into love, grief, desire, and heartache.
Grimsley’s prose brought to mind An Ocean Without a Shore by Scott Spencer, A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara, and authors such as John Boyne. The all-consuming relationship between Ronny and Ben brought to mind
These Violent Delights, Apartment, Carol, and especially the work of Brandon Taylor, who simply excels at portraying uneasy relationships and unclear feelings.
2022 has not been a great reading year for me. With the exception of re-reads, I have only given a single 5 star rating (to Elif Batuman's Either/Or) so I am so thankful to have come across this unforgettable book. It may have singlehandedly saved my reading year. The Dove in the Belly explores a messy love story between two young people who are by turns the ones being hurt and the ones doing the hurting as well as rendering the nuanced connections between family members, friends, and acquaintances. This is a remarkable and layered novel, one that struck me for its prose, its sense of place and time, its characters, and its themes. The Dove in the Belly is an angsty yet ultimately luminous novel, one that I can't wait to re-experience.
ɴʙ if I had to use one word to describe this book it would be ‘struggente’, which can be translated as 1. entailing or revealing an inner torment; melting, tender, moving, aching, painful, heart-rending. Or if I had to describe this book with a quote I would turn to Dorothy Strachey's Olivia: “And so that was what love led to. To wound and be wounded ”
in The Dove in the Belly, it's all about the 𝔂𝓮𝓪𝓻𝓷𝓲𝓷𝓰
“A moment of happiness could feel almost like a wound.”
The Dove in the Belly is a work of startling beauty that presents its readers with a piercing exploration of male intimacy and a mesmerizing study of queer desire that beautifully elaborates the many gradations of love. Jim Grimsley captures the pain of longing, articulating with exacting precision love’s double-edged nature, from its capacity to hurt and anguish us, to its ability to transfigure and revive us. The Dove in the Belly is a romance that is equal parts tender and brutal, one that is permeated by ambivalence and angst, but also affinity and ardor. As my boy Lacan would say, it’s all about the jouissance, that ‘backhanded enjoyment’ that ‘begins with a tickle and ends with blaze of petrol’. The love story that is at the heart of this narrative, which is as tender as it is fraught, is characterized by an exhilarating sense of impermanence. It is admirable that the author is able to breathe new life into what could easily be seen as a tired dynamic, that between the ‘straight’ jock and the more introverted intellectual. Perhaps the setting, mid-1970s, made me more amenable to become invested in these characters, despite their behaviour and attitudes, or maybe it is thanks to Grimsley’s unrelentingly gorgeous prose. Fact is, I fell in love with this book.
Most of the narrative takes place on the campus of the University of North Carolina, where both Ronny and Ben are enrolled. Ronny is studying English literature and journalism whereas Ben is there on a football scholarship. In many ways two are very much opposites, however, they form an unlikely camaraderie one that eventually sparks into a more meaningful friendship. Ronny’s attraction to Ben soon leads to a harder to shake infatuation, one that Ben is not only aware of but he seems to relish the power he has over Ronny. Of course, this kind of dynamic is not a healthy one, and Grimsley renders the confusing and contradictory jumble of emotions experienced by Ronny, the anguish and titillation he feels at being ‘seen’. While Ben’s unsparing words often hurt Ronny, we also see how often his cruelty is undercut by genuine affection. We also glimpse in his actions an ache that hints at something ‘more’...
Over the course of the summer holidays, their relationship transforms into something more charged, and the moments of playfulness and banter give way to a more (in)tense if tentative connection, one that is made all the more fragile by Ben’s deep-seated homophobia and by having to cope with his mother’s rapidly deteriorating health. Ronny, who is becoming more comfortable with his sexuality, struggles to maintain their relationship afloat, especially with Ben’s unwieldy temper. While the possibility of violence threatens many of their moments together, we also see the comfort they can give one another. Although I don’t like the word ‘frisson’ (i can’t explain it, it just makes me wanna exit the chat) it is a rather apt word to describe the current underlining many of Ben and Ronny's interactions.
My heart went out to Ronny. While some may find his fixation and devotion to Ben strange or frustrating, I understood it all too well. I loved how quiet, sensitive, and contemplative he was, as well as the way he observes the people and environments around him. While initially Ben stands in stark contrast against Ronny, as more of his character is ‘unveiled’ to us, I found myself softening to him. Make no mistake, Ben was still capable of upsetting me (he has a temper on him, he’s possessive, and when confronting things he doesn’t want to he goes into fight/flight mode) but, and this is a testament to Grimsley’s storytelling, I found myself unable and or unwilling to dismiss him as ‘toxic’ or ‘bad’.
Grimsley populates his novel with fully-formed individuals, who have lives, fears, and wishes, of their own (as opposed to serving as mere background ‘props’ to our main characters). I loved the rhythm of his dialogues, which reveal moments of discordance, whether a pause in the conversation is a sign of unease or contentment, the difficulties in expressing feelings that are ‘off limits’, and the feelings of desperation that sometimes motivate us to speak with seeming cruelty or indifference. I appreciated how empathic the author was, in not condemning his characters for their mistakes, and in his compassionate treatment of characters outside of Ronny and Ben.
The prose is something to behold. It had the capacity to move me to tears, surprise me with its delicate touch, inspire me with its elegantly turned phrases, and lacerate me with its fiercely observed insights into love, grief, desire, and heartache.
Grimsley’s prose brought to mind An Ocean Without a Shore by Scott Spencer, A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara, and authors such as John Boyne. The all-consuming relationship between Ronny and Ben brought to mind
These Violent Delights, Apartment, Carol, and especially the work of Brandon Taylor, who simply excels at portraying uneasy relationships and unclear feelings.
2022 has not been a great reading year for me. With the exception of re-reads, I have only given a single 5 star rating (to Elif Batuman's Either/Or) so I am so thankful to have come across this unforgettable book. It may have singlehandedly saved my reading year. The Dove in the Belly explores a messy love story between two young people who are by turns the ones being hurt and the ones doing the hurting as well as rendering the nuanced connections between family members, friends, and acquaintances. This is a remarkable and layered novel, one that struck me for its prose, its sense of place and time, its characters, and its themes. The Dove in the Belly is an angsty yet ultimately luminous novel, one that I can't wait to re-experience.
ɴʙ if I had to use one word to describe this book it would be ‘struggente’, which can be translated as 1. entailing or revealing an inner torment; melting, tender, moving, aching, painful, heart-rending. Or if I had to describe this book with a quote I would turn to Dorothy Strachey's Olivia: “And so that was what love led to. To wound and be wounded ”
December 7, 2023
TEN stars! Just finished this, and I don’t know how to put my thoughts into words. This book grabbed me and never let me go.
Jim Grimsley pulls off an outrageous magic trick with “The Dove in the Belly.” Gay college kid befriends big, beefy straight jock with hints of danger: the stuff of thousands of books, shows, movies, and, yup, “adult movies” and fantasies. But right from the start I felt I was with two main characters who were very “real,” very compelling. Technically, Ronny, the gay kid, is the MC, but Ben, the football player, he comes to us as more than just a tired trope, more than just the obscure object of our desires - the movie is referenced in that context. In fact, I cared just as much, hoped just as much, believed just as much, for Ben, than one might normally care and than I thought I would.
There was electricity in this book, and there WAS danger, and I stayed wound up, keyed-up, the whole way through this incredible, beautiful, powerful journey. And the ending was so different and so much better than what I expected. No spoilers from me, but I’ll just say, I can breathe again; I didn’t realize how much I had been holding my breath. And now that I can breathe again, I can tell you, this book will stay with me for a very long time to come.
Jim Grimsley pulls off an outrageous magic trick with “The Dove in the Belly.” Gay college kid befriends big, beefy straight jock with hints of danger: the stuff of thousands of books, shows, movies, and, yup, “adult movies” and fantasies. But right from the start I felt I was with two main characters who were very “real,” very compelling. Technically, Ronny, the gay kid, is the MC, but Ben, the football player, he comes to us as more than just a tired trope, more than just the obscure object of our desires - the movie is referenced in that context. In fact, I cared just as much, hoped just as much, believed just as much, for Ben, than one might normally care and than I thought I would.
There was electricity in this book, and there WAS danger, and I stayed wound up, keyed-up, the whole way through this incredible, beautiful, powerful journey. And the ending was so different and so much better than what I expected. No spoilers from me, but I’ll just say, I can breathe again; I didn’t realize how much I had been holding my breath. And now that I can breathe again, I can tell you, this book will stay with me for a very long time to come.
April 3, 2024
I can understand that this is probably pretty realistic and very much according to the time period, it wasn’t even a bad book but, Ben, dude! WTF? Trauma and all, we get it, we do but nobody deserves to be your demons’ punching bag.I actually winced every time you opened your mouth. And that poor kid, Ronny, it’s so obvious he settled for Ben because there weren’t many options around 50 years ago. Despite all this it wasn’t a bad book as I said, it has a lot of depth and it’s very respectful and gentle towards the women in the book (such a rare feat in MM). I loved the writing and I enjoyed reading this. If only Ben were a bit more ..palatable. I also find the cover and the title very interesting.
May 9, 2022
Easiest 5 stars I have ever given.
Fuck I am a wreck
Okay so I haven’t heard a single thing about this book before stumbling across it at the store. The title is really what grabbed me originally and I’m so glad it did.
I find it incredibly interesting that there are no blurbs on the book, no real marketing behind it and there was only a single copy at the store in the new release section. Why?? I haven’t even seen this book on any queer book lists online.
I initially started this book on audio and within an hour of listening went back to the store to purchase the hardback as well. I knew I would want to own this masterpiece.
Let’s start here: the writing.
It’s excellent. There are so many quotes in this book that truly blew me away and made me really think about what the author was saying and portraying through the use of language. There is a depth within these pages that really hit home for me.
The characters:
My god. The two main characters in this novel truly took my breath away. The dynamic between these two young men is so fucking real it made my heart ache. This whole novel is really a character study and to be honest I feel changed after reading it. I want these two to live on and on in my head forever. They feel so real.
The tone:
The whole tone of this book is so beyond fragile it had me in tears multiple times. With such intricate and human themes going on here there was no way I wasn’t going to feel these things deeply. The author expertly explores gay love, death, family relationships, self harm, toxic masculinity etc. these things were all handled in such a caring manner.
Final thoughts:
I adore this so much. I literally want to keep this book on display in my house that’s how much I don’t wanna let these characters go. I feel connected and attached to them. I also love that this novel was about gay love decades ago but had VERY LITTLE to do with religion. The author made a choice to not gay bash these characters or put them in a church setting and I really loved that. It is so refreshing to read a story that takes place in the past that doesn’t marry homosexuality to shame or religion. Brilliant.
Okay - I’m going to stop raving and just think everyone should read this. I don’t know how any other book could beat this in 2022. I want to shout my love for this story from the rooftops.
Fuck I am a wreck
Okay so I haven’t heard a single thing about this book before stumbling across it at the store. The title is really what grabbed me originally and I’m so glad it did.
I find it incredibly interesting that there are no blurbs on the book, no real marketing behind it and there was only a single copy at the store in the new release section. Why?? I haven’t even seen this book on any queer book lists online.
I initially started this book on audio and within an hour of listening went back to the store to purchase the hardback as well. I knew I would want to own this masterpiece.
Let’s start here: the writing.
It’s excellent. There are so many quotes in this book that truly blew me away and made me really think about what the author was saying and portraying through the use of language. There is a depth within these pages that really hit home for me.
The characters:
My god. The two main characters in this novel truly took my breath away. The dynamic between these two young men is so fucking real it made my heart ache. This whole novel is really a character study and to be honest I feel changed after reading it. I want these two to live on and on in my head forever. They feel so real.
The tone:
The whole tone of this book is so beyond fragile it had me in tears multiple times. With such intricate and human themes going on here there was no way I wasn’t going to feel these things deeply. The author expertly explores gay love, death, family relationships, self harm, toxic masculinity etc. these things were all handled in such a caring manner.
Final thoughts:
I adore this so much. I literally want to keep this book on display in my house that’s how much I don’t wanna let these characters go. I feel connected and attached to them. I also love that this novel was about gay love decades ago but had VERY LITTLE to do with religion. The author made a choice to not gay bash these characters or put them in a church setting and I really loved that. It is so refreshing to read a story that takes place in the past that doesn’t marry homosexuality to shame or religion. Brilliant.
Okay - I’m going to stop raving and just think everyone should read this. I don’t know how any other book could beat this in 2022. I want to shout my love for this story from the rooftops.
May 23, 2022
I devoured this book in one sitting. From the very first page I was hooked to this atmospheric, immersive, evocative and heartfelt love story. Wonderful, resonating work by Grimsley that has me all up in my feelings right now so this is less a review and more of a shaky sigh, with tears on the horizon. I adored this book; its characters, the language, the cadence, everything, but especially the unfolding of the fragile, beautiful love story at the heart of it all. Ronny and Ben's journey will stay with me for a while, I think. And maybe after I mull this book over a bit I will have more to say in the future. But for now 5 stars will have to do.
June 2, 2023
✰ 4.25 stars ✰
“There was a vibration inside him, a warmth, like a throb or a cooing, as though a peaceful bird had nested there, and it occurred to him how close this feeling was to the fear he felt at times that also settled in his belly and hung there, palpable.
The same bird, only anxious and fluttery.”
No matter what time period you may live in, no matter what you identify yourself as, no matter how you find yourself attracted to, there may come a time in your life when you feel that little flutter - The Dove in the Belly - that little unexplainable feeling that nestles in your heart - that sudden pull towards someone else - that you want to keep close to you. 🌸
It doesn't matter who it is - it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks - you don't want to be alone - you want that someone who understands you - who gets you - like no body else ever does. And whether it's in real life or the stories we read, when you have find that special someone that you yearn for - that you want to have in your life - no matter what - you'll do anything and everything to let them be stay close - because no body wants to be alone.
Jim Grimsley has been writing since the early 1990s, but I wanted to give his latest novel a chance, before making my way through his catalog - I am so glad that I did. 🥹 Set during in the late 1970s at the University of North Carolina, the story starts in media res of a precarious friendship between Ronny and Ben, two college boys who may be polar opposites, but still find the simple comfort and contentment of being around each other - that feeling of just clicking with the other.
“I’d have to be crazy to be crazy about you,” Ronny said. “I’d sure be crazy to tell you.”
Ben grinned and there was a feeling in Ronny that a sun had touched him, and sun-stuff showered through him, lit him golden.
“You’re right about that.”
And what starts of as a friendship quickly delves into a wildly uncertain yet deeply moving and tender relationship of being able to just be themselves with this other person - regardless of gender, regardless of what people might think. And the sheer beauty of the writing is this magnetic pull of yearning that he weaves into the words - this intense desire of want that Ronny and Ben feel for each other - but they can't find the words - the right way to communicate that I want you - just you - for you. 🤍🤍
“For some reason you settle me down a little. You know it?”
“No. But I’m glad if it’s true.”
After a while Ben said, tone slightly altered, “I know what you want, Ronny. But I just don’t know what to do about it.”
“Jesus, Ben.” Running a hand through his own hair.
“Don’t try to talk to me about it, okay? I just wanted to say.”
Thumping, thumping in Ronny’s chest. “Okay.”
For at the heart of the story is not only their relationship - it's the people that are in their lives that also affect how they think. Ben is emotionally distraught over his mother's illness - and that steady realization that it's not his football teammates that can help him cope, but this one person who's very presence by his side is just a simple comfort - a tender touch - a fleeting yet everlasting want - it's so vividly expressed in Grimsley's writing, almost poetically so. 💔
How he captures that hesitancy and reluctance of admitting that this means something - that it's okay for him to want a man - that his feeble denial is more of a front out of fear. Because it scares him at how much Ronny has affected him in such a positive and protective way - to be so affectionate and not understanding or accepting that what that this strange unidentifiable feeling was love.
“I’m reading your mind again, I think.” Ben kissed Ronny quietly, mouths mostly closed, Ronny’s hand warm on Ben’s shoulders. Ben sighed.
Ronny said, “I’m glad you came.”
“Don’t say bullshit stuff like that.”
“Okay. Then fuck you, I hope you break your leg on the way down the porch.”
“That’s better.” He stood there another moment, solid as the rising light. The sarcasm softened out of his face as he stood there.
Anybody could see he wanted to stay.”
🥺🥺🥺
Ronny had such a kind heart - he was so willing to give, without ever asking for anything in return, but still carried this inherent fear of not understanding it it was alright to be gay - how it weighed on him that he was just like his father, who ran off with another man - that he didn't want to be associated with other gays - almost as if it were a front to his own existence.
And yet, in the grand scheme of things, it was in his quiet approach of helping college students out with their papers or helping Ben and his family in the simple household chores as they chased away the sadness of sickness, it was the gentle way of accepting his mother's continuous desire to marry again till she found the right one, it was the soft kindness he showed his old landlord, Miss Dee, who truly taught him the meaning that being alone and without love is no life at all. 🧡 Your heart cannot help but go out to him and all that he was having to feel in such a short time.
“This is the only reward I ever want, Ronny thought, and felt in himself for the first time the stirring of another fear, that he could never pull back from this. That he would fall into Ben and drown.”
There is an inherent feeling of having that first love moment - that want to claim someone as your own - to have that person be all that it is for you - the answer for you. And this story - in the quietness of it - showed that palpable yearning between two boys who have the burdens on their shoulders and hearts, but reach out for each other to soften that pain in whatever way possible.
Grimsley's writing brought that out - there wasn't any gratuitously described love scenes, but I felt more chemistry - more heat - in the scenes where they were just there - standing - sharing the same space - breathing the same air. It was so deeply intimate - how Ben just told Ronny to just stand there, so he could just feel his presence - provide some closure of comfort to know that he was there for him - and when Ben walked away and Ronny wiped his eyes - I knew that he felt something too. 💝
And then, even then, they felt in their hearts that they couldn't express their love openly - that they had to hide it - in whatever way - whether from the prying eyes of their roommates - stealing brief moments in the car - that tangible ache of yearning leapt out of the pages for me in such a beautiful way that it took my breath away. 🫠
“The feeling came so completely and penetrated so thoroughly he could not breathe, as if he were washed in the purest joy that contained the purest pain, and neither could ever be separated from the other. Whoever wanted to feel one had to feel both.”
But even with its beautiful prose and beautiful heartache of yearning, there was something that prevented me from giving it a full five stars. I kind of understood that this was 'his' form of love language and the fact that Ronny didn't very much complain about it, but Ben's constant usage of some rather demeaning and derogatory slurs, did get a bit unpleasant at times. I shouldn't perhaps take it too offensively, considering the time period and Ben's own personality, but I wish it could have been a little bit toned down; and the fact that it unsettled me each time means it did merit a mention from me. ☹️
It would be wrong to define this story as a romance or even a coming-of-age story, because it was something a little bit more than either. It was the story of two fragile, broken boys, who despite the odds, despite their own measures of grief, despite the feelings of denial, they somehow found their hearts beat the strongest when they were with each other - an inner peace that could only be achieved when they finally allowed themselves to just be there for each other. 🙏🏻🙏🏻
“There was a vibration inside him, a warmth, like a throb or a cooing, as though a peaceful bird had nested there, and it occurred to him how close this feeling was to the fear he felt at times that also settled in his belly and hung there, palpable.
The same bird, only anxious and fluttery.”
No matter what time period you may live in, no matter what you identify yourself as, no matter how you find yourself attracted to, there may come a time in your life when you feel that little flutter - The Dove in the Belly - that little unexplainable feeling that nestles in your heart - that sudden pull towards someone else - that you want to keep close to you. 🌸
It doesn't matter who it is - it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks - you don't want to be alone - you want that someone who understands you - who gets you - like no body else ever does. And whether it's in real life or the stories we read, when you have find that special someone that you yearn for - that you want to have in your life - no matter what - you'll do anything and everything to let them be stay close - because no body wants to be alone.
Jim Grimsley has been writing since the early 1990s, but I wanted to give his latest novel a chance, before making my way through his catalog - I am so glad that I did. 🥹 Set during in the late 1970s at the University of North Carolina, the story starts in media res of a precarious friendship between Ronny and Ben, two college boys who may be polar opposites, but still find the simple comfort and contentment of being around each other - that feeling of just clicking with the other.
“I’d have to be crazy to be crazy about you,” Ronny said. “I’d sure be crazy to tell you.”
Ben grinned and there was a feeling in Ronny that a sun had touched him, and sun-stuff showered through him, lit him golden.
“You’re right about that.”
And what starts of as a friendship quickly delves into a wildly uncertain yet deeply moving and tender relationship of being able to just be themselves with this other person - regardless of gender, regardless of what people might think. And the sheer beauty of the writing is this magnetic pull of yearning that he weaves into the words - this intense desire of want that Ronny and Ben feel for each other - but they can't find the words - the right way to communicate that I want you - just you - for you. 🤍🤍
“For some reason you settle me down a little. You know it?”
“No. But I’m glad if it’s true.”
After a while Ben said, tone slightly altered, “I know what you want, Ronny. But I just don’t know what to do about it.”
“Jesus, Ben.” Running a hand through his own hair.
“Don’t try to talk to me about it, okay? I just wanted to say.”
Thumping, thumping in Ronny’s chest. “Okay.”
For at the heart of the story is not only their relationship - it's the people that are in their lives that also affect how they think. Ben is emotionally distraught over his mother's illness - and that steady realization that it's not his football teammates that can help him cope, but this one person who's very presence by his side is just a simple comfort - a tender touch - a fleeting yet everlasting want - it's so vividly expressed in Grimsley's writing, almost poetically so. 💔
How he captures that hesitancy and reluctance of admitting that this means something - that it's okay for him to want a man - that his feeble denial is more of a front out of fear. Because it scares him at how much Ronny has affected him in such a positive and protective way - to be so affectionate and not understanding or accepting that what that this strange unidentifiable feeling was love.
“I’m reading your mind again, I think.” Ben kissed Ronny quietly, mouths mostly closed, Ronny’s hand warm on Ben’s shoulders. Ben sighed.
Ronny said, “I’m glad you came.”
“Don’t say bullshit stuff like that.”
“Okay. Then fuck you, I hope you break your leg on the way down the porch.”
“That’s better.” He stood there another moment, solid as the rising light. The sarcasm softened out of his face as he stood there.
Anybody could see he wanted to stay.”
🥺🥺🥺
Ronny had such a kind heart - he was so willing to give, without ever asking for anything in return, but still carried this inherent fear of not understanding it it was alright to be gay - how it weighed on him that he was just like his father, who ran off with another man - that he didn't want to be associated with other gays - almost as if it were a front to his own existence.
And yet, in the grand scheme of things, it was in his quiet approach of helping college students out with their papers or helping Ben and his family in the simple household chores as they chased away the sadness of sickness, it was the gentle way of accepting his mother's continuous desire to marry again till she found the right one, it was the soft kindness he showed his old landlord, Miss Dee, who truly taught him the meaning that being alone and without love is no life at all. 🧡 Your heart cannot help but go out to him and all that he was having to feel in such a short time.
“This is the only reward I ever want, Ronny thought, and felt in himself for the first time the stirring of another fear, that he could never pull back from this. That he would fall into Ben and drown.”
There is an inherent feeling of having that first love moment - that want to claim someone as your own - to have that person be all that it is for you - the answer for you. And this story - in the quietness of it - showed that palpable yearning between two boys who have the burdens on their shoulders and hearts, but reach out for each other to soften that pain in whatever way possible.
Grimsley's writing brought that out - there wasn't any gratuitously described love scenes, but I felt more chemistry - more heat - in the scenes where they were just there - standing - sharing the same space - breathing the same air. It was so deeply intimate - how Ben just told Ronny to just stand there, so he could just feel his presence - provide some closure of comfort to know that he was there for him - and when Ben walked away and Ronny wiped his eyes - I knew that he felt something too. 💝
And then, even then, they felt in their hearts that they couldn't express their love openly - that they had to hide it - in whatever way - whether from the prying eyes of their roommates - stealing brief moments in the car - that tangible ache of yearning leapt out of the pages for me in such a beautiful way that it took my breath away. 🫠
“The feeling came so completely and penetrated so thoroughly he could not breathe, as if he were washed in the purest joy that contained the purest pain, and neither could ever be separated from the other. Whoever wanted to feel one had to feel both.”
But even with its beautiful prose and beautiful heartache of yearning, there was something that prevented me from giving it a full five stars. I kind of understood that this was 'his' form of love language and the fact that Ronny didn't very much complain about it, but Ben's constant usage of some rather demeaning and derogatory slurs, did get a bit unpleasant at times. I shouldn't perhaps take it too offensively, considering the time period and Ben's own personality, but I wish it could have been a little bit toned down; and the fact that it unsettled me each time means it did merit a mention from me. ☹️
It would be wrong to define this story as a romance or even a coming-of-age story, because it was something a little bit more than either. It was the story of two fragile, broken boys, who despite the odds, despite their own measures of grief, despite the feelings of denial, they somehow found their hearts beat the strongest when they were with each other - an inner peace that could only be achieved when they finally allowed themselves to just be there for each other. 🙏🏻🙏🏻
December 3, 2025
trop beau et j’ai envie de me tuer 😍😍
January 3, 2023
It's been such a long time since I read a Grimsley title and experiencing pleasure in his beautifully crafted almost poetic descriptive passages. This book is about love .. the many ways to describe love. The fragility, the wonder and beauty of, the fear of the loss of love ... and the bitterness that comes with losing love.
For those who don't mind a good dose of sturm und drang in their M-M romances - this book is for you. Albeit, quite a lot of that comes from MC Ronny's own insecurities and fears but to be fair - MC Ben does not present as a good romantic prospect for the first half of the book. I guess the wonder comes with the gradual / subtle changes in Ben (who has to go through some refining fires of life) to come through as someone deserving of Ronny's love in the end. There may also be some who feel Ronny should have grown a spine much earlier and walked away ... but who can predict the vagaries of the heart? Sometimes - a heart wants what it wants ... come what may.
Mr Grimsley's books aren't always guaranteed a HEA but thank goodness this one comes through with an ending that gladdened my heart as Comfort and Joy (one of my all-time favs). 5 solid stars!
For those who don't mind a good dose of sturm und drang in their M-M romances - this book is for you. Albeit, quite a lot of that comes from MC Ronny's own insecurities and fears but to be fair - MC Ben does not present as a good romantic prospect for the first half of the book. I guess the wonder comes with the gradual / subtle changes in Ben (who has to go through some refining fires of life) to come through as someone deserving of Ronny's love in the end. There may also be some who feel Ronny should have grown a spine much earlier and walked away ... but who can predict the vagaries of the heart? Sometimes - a heart wants what it wants ... come what may.
Mr Grimsley's books aren't always guaranteed a HEA but thank goodness this one comes through with an ending that gladdened my heart as Comfort and Joy (one of my all-time favs). 5 solid stars!
April 2, 2024
I'm not sure that I've ever been less convinced that a couple lived happily ever after. I'm also not sure the author was trying to convince me that they did. I had to remind myself so many times while reading this book that I was there to observe, not to judge, because Ben, Ben, Ben...that broken boy was hard to like. In fact, in terms of redeeming qualities, there was only one that earned any amount of grace from me and that was his tendency towards honesty with Ronny. He let Ronny know exactly what he could expect from him and Ronny went into their relationship with eyes wide open. That wasn't necessarily a good thing, but at least Ronny was never under the false impression that he was with a sweet, caring guy. Nothing between them ever felt safe or secure to me and, even on the very last page, I pictured a future for Ronny where he sat at the kitchen table each night, wondering if Ben would come home and fearing he wouldn't. Yet, I liked it? I think? I definitely enjoyed reading it and looked forward to picking it up again every time I had to set it aside to be an adult, but I struggled to connect to the story emotionally when it probably should have broken my heart. I know that not every book was written to make me cry, but it seemed like this book wanted me to and didn't succeed. Even so, I'd like to read more from this author. I liked his writing style and his gall.
July 16, 2023
Audio - 5 Stars
Story - 5 Stars
Story - 5 Stars
Read
July 22, 2023DNF - I tried. I really tried. But maybe it’s not the right moment for me to dive into this kind of a story.
I have a lot going on in real life right now. And that’s the reason why I’m usually looking for something lighter to read - not necessarily drama free, but something that’s not as realistic and depressing as this book probably is. I don’t know if it makes sense to you 😅 let me try to explain:
This book is set in the 1970s. It’s about Ronnie and Ben, who’re both attending a college. It’s not an era where being gay (especially being open about it) is a common thing. Ronnie struggles with it, especially because he doesn’t have a supporting family - only his mum, who’s not really a loving and supporting parent and who’s about to get married (again). It almost feels like she wants to start again, without the burden of an almost adult child.
But at least Ronnie doesn’t hide his interest in men. He’s kind, smart, and interested in others. And (sadly) a doormat, especially when it comes to Ben.
Ben is a charming jock. Obviously bisexual, and very obviously attracted to Ben. But he keeps a lid on it, and parades around all kind of girls, until he eventually settles with a girlfriend. And he makes his interest in Ben very obvious, at least when they’re in private.
I don’t mind reading about closets, even if all the internalised homophobia makes me ache. What I do mind is seeing Ben using derogatory terms for Ronnie, such as faggot and bitch (even if they’re obviously used as a joke 🙄). Or blaming all the “moves” on Ronnie, even claiming that Ronnie took advantage of him while he’s been drunk (spoiler: he didn’t). And I did mind that Ronnie didn’t protest and just took what was handed. And was hungry for every scrap of attention he got from Ben.
What made me stop was the fact that Ben started talking about wanting family and kids (with a woman. Obviously 🙄) right after he had sex with Ronnie for the first time.
And Ronnie didn’t bat an eyelash.
This book just makes me feel bad, and depressed, even though -again - it’s probably realistic, especially considering the setting.
On top of that, I didn’t gel with the narrator who made it very hard to empathise with the characters because of his slightly detached way of speaking.
Not for me, sorry. No rating because I stopped around 25%.
I have a lot going on in real life right now. And that’s the reason why I’m usually looking for something lighter to read - not necessarily drama free, but something that’s not as realistic and depressing as this book probably is. I don’t know if it makes sense to you 😅 let me try to explain:
This book is set in the 1970s. It’s about Ronnie and Ben, who’re both attending a college. It’s not an era where being gay (especially being open about it) is a common thing. Ronnie struggles with it, especially because he doesn’t have a supporting family - only his mum, who’s not really a loving and supporting parent and who’s about to get married (again). It almost feels like she wants to start again, without the burden of an almost adult child.
But at least Ronnie doesn’t hide his interest in men. He’s kind, smart, and interested in others. And (sadly) a doormat, especially when it comes to Ben.
Ben is a charming jock. Obviously bisexual, and very obviously attracted to Ben. But he keeps a lid on it, and parades around all kind of girls, until he eventually settles with a girlfriend. And he makes his interest in Ben very obvious, at least when they’re in private.
I don’t mind reading about closets, even if all the internalised homophobia makes me ache. What I do mind is seeing Ben using derogatory terms for Ronnie, such as faggot and bitch (even if they’re obviously used as a joke 🙄). Or blaming all the “moves” on Ronnie, even claiming that Ronnie took advantage of him while he’s been drunk (spoiler: he didn’t). And I did mind that Ronnie didn’t protest and just took what was handed. And was hungry for every scrap of attention he got from Ben.
What made me stop was the fact that Ben started talking about wanting family and kids (with a woman. Obviously 🙄) right after he had sex with Ronnie for the first time.
And Ronnie didn’t bat an eyelash.
This book just makes me feel bad, and depressed, even though -again - it’s probably realistic, especially considering the setting.
On top of that, I didn’t gel with the narrator who made it very hard to empathise with the characters because of his slightly detached way of speaking.
Not for me, sorry. No rating because I stopped around 25%.
June 25, 2023
This book evoked a range of emotions within me, often alternating between sadness and hope. It's difficult to articulate, but the story's beauty resonated deeply within me.
The main character's personality captivated me. He exuded a serene presence, often remaining in the background, yet always observant, like the main character of The Secret History. This one was, however, ever willing to assist others. This quiet strength and compassion made the whole book for me.
The narrative as a whole exuded tenderness. Even amidst the challenges faced by the characters, love consistently permeated their struggles, offering solace in unexpected ways. It was a remarkable juxtaposition, providing a strange but comforting sense of reassurance.
It was a moving journey that left me profoundly affected. It serves as a reminder of the inherent beauty in life, even during its most arduous moments. It reminded me of The Charioteer by Mary Renault, These Violent Delights by Micarah Nemerever and also Call Me By Your Name by André Aciman.
The main character's personality captivated me. He exuded a serene presence, often remaining in the background, yet always observant, like the main character of The Secret History. This one was, however, ever willing to assist others. This quiet strength and compassion made the whole book for me.
The narrative as a whole exuded tenderness. Even amidst the challenges faced by the characters, love consistently permeated their struggles, offering solace in unexpected ways. It was a remarkable juxtaposition, providing a strange but comforting sense of reassurance.
It was a moving journey that left me profoundly affected. It serves as a reminder of the inherent beauty in life, even during its most arduous moments. It reminded me of The Charioteer by Mary Renault, These Violent Delights by Micarah Nemerever and also Call Me By Your Name by André Aciman.
March 20, 2024
..and they were roommates-
I already fully invested with Ronny's life and what's going on around him, the romance was just a bonus that and also the beautiful writing just perfection.
Ronny is such an interesting character he's vulnerable but also so strong, he's always tried to understand people, and tries to make everything works and I liked that about him, i wanna say he's a people pleaser but he's not, he's helping people because he wants to, he's just so mundane about it.
I liked how the author's depict death in this, it was harsh, devastating and emotional but also realistic, I love The vulnerability of our main characters in both of those moments, you can feel The tension in the scene, you can feel it in the room ( don't worry our Mc and The love interest are safe ).
There was this jealousy moment that i couldn't stop thinking of, and it lifted the book to another level for me, it was too good especially during the 70s when no one suppose to know, God the tension during that scene, i keep rereading it over and over again just because.
I already fully invested with Ronny's life and what's going on around him, the romance was just a bonus that and also the beautiful writing just perfection.
Ronny is such an interesting character he's vulnerable but also so strong, he's always tried to understand people, and tries to make everything works and I liked that about him, i wanna say he's a people pleaser but he's not, he's helping people because he wants to, he's just so mundane about it.
I liked how the author's depict death in this, it was harsh, devastating and emotional but also realistic, I love The vulnerability of our main characters in both of those moments, you can feel The tension in the scene, you can feel it in the room ( don't worry our Mc and The love interest are safe ).
There was this jealousy moment that i couldn't stop thinking of, and it lifted the book to another level for me, it was too good especially during the 70s when no one suppose to know, God the tension during that scene, i keep rereading it over and over again just because.
September 22, 2021
help i've fallen and I can't get up
March 10, 2022
o boy, this book is marvelous. i struggled to get my footing in the beginning, but once i got it, it had me. there's a looseness to its genre where it's got the beats of a romance novel but the voice and the tone of literary fiction and it's got this insane undertow to it, where the chemistry between the main character ben and ronny is working on you but so is the poetry of the narration. the movie it reminded me of was "god's own country" (banger of a film). not just because it was gay, but also of the push and pull, the play of brutality and tenderness between the characters. i'm not an angst girl but in this package, the yearning, the pining, the torment of it all just consumed me.
adored. somebody call me to talk about this book! read it! let it just take you away!
adored. somebody call me to talk about this book! read it! let it just take you away!
January 19, 2023
I really enjoyed the author’s writing style and it was nice to go along with the main character on a journey of self discovery and development. That being said, I really didn’t care for Ben. I understood his situation but most of the time he was selfish and unlikeable.
December 10, 2024
— 4.5 stars
i'm going to start this review by saying, 'the dove in the belly' (can we just admire the title for a second???) had me SOBBING at 3am and i think that itself says a lot about the author's way with words. this book had me sitting down to write this review as soon as i finished it.
please don't go into this book thinking that it's a romance, because while it did explore ben and ronny's relationship (both platonic and romantic), it's not something i would classify as that, especially when the boys had such an unhealthy relationship. it's more of a book about the cycle of yearning, attainment, passion, and devastation. the fixation and worshipping in secret. the pain of loving someone when you know you might lose them any time. the feeling that time is running out and there's nothing you can do about it other than accept that fact.
i adored the family relationships and the friendships throughout the book and how pain brought ben and ronny closer.my babies, they survived the great war
the author delved into the mingling of tragedy, innocence, and the torture of loving someone in such a subtle way that deserves all the praise. i could go on about it forever 🥹
“This is the only reward I ever want, Ronny thought, and felt in himself for the first time the stirring of another fear, that he could never pull back from this. That he would fall into Ben and drown.”
(end note — this book wasn't perfect, the constant humiliation and degradation irked me a bit. which also made me mention not to look at this book as a romance because of the toxicity. also, please please please check the tws before reading it. nonetheless, it's a hauntingly beautiful read and i'll rave about it forever ❤️🩹)
i'm going to start this review by saying, 'the dove in the belly' (can we just admire the title for a second???) had me SOBBING at 3am and i think that itself says a lot about the author's way with words. this book had me sitting down to write this review as soon as i finished it.
please don't go into this book thinking that it's a romance, because while it did explore ben and ronny's relationship (both platonic and romantic), it's not something i would classify as that, especially when the boys had such an unhealthy relationship. it's more of a book about the cycle of yearning, attainment, passion, and devastation. the fixation and worshipping in secret. the pain of loving someone when you know you might lose them any time. the feeling that time is running out and there's nothing you can do about it other than accept that fact.
i adored the family relationships and the friendships throughout the book and how pain brought ben and ronny closer.
the author delved into the mingling of tragedy, innocence, and the torture of loving someone in such a subtle way that deserves all the praise. i could go on about it forever 🥹
“This is the only reward I ever want, Ronny thought, and felt in himself for the first time the stirring of another fear, that he could never pull back from this. That he would fall into Ben and drown.”
(end note — this book wasn't perfect, the constant humiliation and degradation irked me a bit. which also made me mention not to look at this book as a romance because of the toxicity. also, please please please check the tws before reading it. nonetheless, it's a hauntingly beautiful read and i'll rave about it forever ❤️🩹)
April 17, 2022
This book is beautiful and it defies categorization. There is romance in "The Dove in the Belly" of the rough-edged, unfinished, youthful kind. The voices of the characters were the voice of young men I once went to school with and I was immediately taken back in time.
This isn't really a romance, although there are aspects of love and the blossoming of a relationship. This book reads as though it's destined to become a literary classic. It is poetic and smooth and runs the gamut from the initial flutterings of that dove in the belly to the brazen first chances that are taken. This story is about two young men who are very different from one another but manage to find a meeting place somewhere between their two worlds. Ben is a football player, well built, and a jock with mouthy, bullish friends. Ronny is slight, creative, a soft-spoken intellectual and gentle and has just been abandoned by his mother ... again.
There is a very slow growth of friendship between these two characters. It is simple at times, complex at others but always engaging. The progression of the characters crept up on me and I found myself wondering what would happen to each of them. I cared about them both in quite different ways.
When Ben reveals to Ronny that his mother has cancer and is receiving devastating treatment, their friendship shifts again. Ronny is able to provide Ben with support without really even understanding what he is doing. I loved the way that Grimsley wrote the interactions between Ben and his family and the way that Ronny seeped into their lives without creating the slightest ripple.
This novel is destined to become a favourite for many readers. I know that it's going to make its way to my shelf and will be picked up more than once.
This isn't really a romance, although there are aspects of love and the blossoming of a relationship. This book reads as though it's destined to become a literary classic. It is poetic and smooth and runs the gamut from the initial flutterings of that dove in the belly to the brazen first chances that are taken. This story is about two young men who are very different from one another but manage to find a meeting place somewhere between their two worlds. Ben is a football player, well built, and a jock with mouthy, bullish friends. Ronny is slight, creative, a soft-spoken intellectual and gentle and has just been abandoned by his mother ... again.
There is a very slow growth of friendship between these two characters. It is simple at times, complex at others but always engaging. The progression of the characters crept up on me and I found myself wondering what would happen to each of them. I cared about them both in quite different ways.
When Ben reveals to Ronny that his mother has cancer and is receiving devastating treatment, their friendship shifts again. Ronny is able to provide Ben with support without really even understanding what he is doing. I loved the way that Grimsley wrote the interactions between Ben and his family and the way that Ronny seeped into their lives without creating the slightest ripple.
This novel is destined to become a favourite for many readers. I know that it's going to make its way to my shelf and will be picked up more than once.
July 6, 2023
I can't decide on what to say/which metaphor, so here's a bunch:
Feels like a masterpiece because it probably is one.
The tide of the narrative pulls so steadily you don't immediately realize how strong it is nor whether it's pushing everything out farther and farther or if you're being carried safely ashore.
The tenuous spaces between vulnerability and violence, strength and surrender, love and anguish are drawn in taught lines and shimmering arcs—resistance and release.
You're positive you know exactly where it's all headed, and then you find yourself utterly undone or caught by turns you would never have looked for.
This book gets you tipsy then keeps you teetering between punch-drunk refusal and intoxicated contentedness.
It's no wonder Joni Mitchell gets a hat tip in here, because I could drink a case of this novel. (Especially when Michael Crouch narrates).
Feels like a masterpiece because it probably is one.
The tide of the narrative pulls so steadily you don't immediately realize how strong it is nor whether it's pushing everything out farther and farther or if you're being carried safely ashore.
The tenuous spaces between vulnerability and violence, strength and surrender, love and anguish are drawn in taught lines and shimmering arcs—resistance and release.
You're positive you know exactly where it's all headed, and then you find yourself utterly undone or caught by turns you would never have looked for.
This book gets you tipsy then keeps you teetering between punch-drunk refusal and intoxicated contentedness.
It's no wonder Joni Mitchell gets a hat tip in here, because I could drink a case of this novel. (Especially when Michael Crouch narrates).
September 24, 2024
The body was an entity that could not lie.
4.5 stars. I ADORED this. Such a beautiful beautiful book. It's not quite what I expected when I picked this up; I think I thought this would be a bit more literary fiction, a bit more tortured, spanning a long period of time. But most of the action takes place in less than an academic year, and we're following Ronny, a gay college student in the 1970s, as he experiences his first turbulent love affair with a football player. It's a coming of age story, about youth, about growing up and older, about parents and the different relationships characters have with them, about being gay, and all the uncertainty and angst and little joys that come from it. It's softer than I expected, but still painful, and made for such a memorable reading experience.
This is one of those quiet books that technically has a plot, but it doesn't always feel like it? The pace meanders; it'll go along linearly for a while, and then jump backwards in time to give the reader insight into a situation or a relationship. I really liked that style, and what it did for the storytelling. We begin at the end of the semester, after Ronny has just found out that he can't go home for the summer because his flighty mother is moving out and getting married in another state. And do he scrambles to find new accommodations since he can't stay in the dorms; scrambles to find a job to support himself. Meanwhile, we uncover the details of his friendships, and his clandestine relationship with Ben, a jock football player that he met during the previous year. I... love Ben so much. The boy is covered in red flags, but he's written in a way where it's so clear how Ronny fell for him, so inevitable that he did. And for all his terrible habits and possessiveness and anger issues, Ben is such a good person. The author teases out that goodness in so many beautiful little ways, until it eclipses the ugliness. For me, at least. (And Ronny, ultimately.) I can't get over how gorgeous that writing was. Whether it's the romance, or Ben taking care of his mother, or Ronny's relationship with his landlady, the little friendship asides... there was something indescribable and lovely and quiet about it all. That's the word I keep coming back to: quiet. Even though parts of this could get abrasive and crude. Especially in the ways Ben sometimes spoke to Ronny. Idk, there was an imbalance, but it never felt like it was getting taken too far, or that Ronny was being a pushover. He was equally smitten, equally a bit obsessed? Most of the time, it felt like Ronny was meeting Ben where he was. In a slightly insane way.
“You’re going to break my heart.”
“You better fucking believe that. I’m going to tear it to pieces before it’s over.”
I don't know, I feel like I just wasted a bunch of words not actually saying anything. But the romance really worked for me, despite all the reasons why it maybe shouldn't have. I don't always need a fictional romance to be healthy; it just needs to be good, to make me feel things. And as tumultuous as this relationship is, I don't think I would even call it unhealthy? I don't know, this just pushed a lot of buttons that I 1000% have. I also loved the depictions of grief, the realistic portrayals of family, of growing old, of death. The conflicts were simple and communication based, but they never devolved into the realm of feeling silly. All the side characters felt meaningful, even the ones who didn't get a lot of screen time, like Jamal, and Sheila and Sharia. There wasn't a lot of actual poetry in the book, but it felt like there was, because the writing was just so so wonderful.
Listened to the audiobook as read by Michael Crouch, and it was sublime. He's one of my favourite narrators for a reason. I haven't listened to a book by him in quite some time, and this just reminded me that I really do need to seek him out more often. The way he does emotion is always pitch perfect, and his rendition of these characters made them SO REAL to me. Especially in scenes where there was a lot of dialogue, but not a lot of dialogue tags. He always brought the perfect tone and emotion to the scene. <3 I remember liking the first book I read by this author, and this has convinced me that I should really look more into his back list. Huge kudos.
Content warnings:
A boy like Ben could put a voice in his body and say with it, silently, I need you while I’m afraid like this. Please don’t make me admit it.
October 26, 2024
Do you remember watching the perks of being a wallflower Movie and thinking to yourself that you would really love to know more about Patrick and his love plotline with that closeted football player because giiirl me too.
So imagine my delight when I start this book and find that it feels exactly like that!
Ronny and Ben are both such flawed characters. At times contradictory in they’r actions and what they say. They both deal with internalized homophobia. Its more obvious with Ben but it‘s there in both of them and it‘s shown in such a gentle way, woven into the story and the characters thoughts and believes. I wanted to yell at ben and ronny to just fucking communicate with they’r fucking words but also I understood that not everything needs to be said aloud to be felt.
And when they did come together, baring they’r truest self to each other, they are soo fucking tender with each other.
I loved how subtly Ronnys abandonment issues were shown. Its never said in the narrative, I dont even think Ronny himself is necessarily aware of it. But as a reader you can see it in how hard he tries to please the people around him, never asking for anything and frankly letting Ben at times walk all over him. But it was realistic in that portrayal and became just a part of Ronnys personality and how he just is. And I loved it. Ronny would do anything for Ben but he would never ask for what he wanted and Ben who just knows what Ronny wants without him having to say it. I just… watch me go cry in a corner I love them so much.
So imagine my delight when I start this book and find that it feels exactly like that!
Ronny and Ben are both such flawed characters. At times contradictory in they’r actions and what they say. They both deal with internalized homophobia. Its more obvious with Ben but it‘s there in both of them and it‘s shown in such a gentle way, woven into the story and the characters thoughts and believes. I wanted to yell at ben and ronny to just fucking communicate with they’r fucking words but also I understood that not everything needs to be said aloud to be felt.
And when they did come together, baring they’r truest self to each other, they are soo fucking tender with each other.
I loved how subtly Ronnys abandonment issues were shown. Its never said in the narrative, I dont even think Ronny himself is necessarily aware of it. But as a reader you can see it in how hard he tries to please the people around him, never asking for anything and frankly letting Ben at times walk all over him. But it was realistic in that portrayal and became just a part of Ronnys personality and how he just is. And I loved it. Ronny would do anything for Ben but he would never ask for what he wanted and Ben who just knows what Ronny wants without him having to say it. I just… watch me go cry in a corner I love them so much.
March 9, 2024
"This was November, a chilly morning after a storm swept color down from the trees, the yard golden and bronze, wet leaves clinging to the steps. A beginning of the fall of leaves in the canopy overhead, trees in every direction. One must have a mind of winter. He was reading Wallace Stevens in a class, “The Dove in the Belly,” the first time he had felt a poem in his marrow. “The whole of appearance is a toy. For this, / The dove in the belly builds his nest and coos …” It made him shiver. The nothing that is."
August 8, 2023
Phoebe Bridgers wrote Ben and Ronny
February 8, 2024
I don't know how to rate this. How do you begrudge someone their dream when it's their dream come true?
This was a little heartbreaking. I wanted more for them. For Ronny, specifically. But he really loved him some Ben. So there's nothing to be done for it.
In his own way, Ben made Ronny happy. Really happy. And in all fairness, he made a lot of strides from where he was at the start to where he ended up.
I remember when I started reading this, after their first interaction I thought to myself that there was no way Ben was the other MC. That he's the guy our MC is with before he meets his happily ever ever guy.
It's a bit bittersweet that Ben ended up being that guy.
.
This was a little heartbreaking. I wanted more for them. For Ronny, specifically. But he really loved him some Ben. So there's nothing to be done for it.
In his own way, Ben made Ronny happy. Really happy. And in all fairness, he made a lot of strides from where he was at the start to where he ended up.
I remember when I started reading this, after their first interaction I thought to myself that there was no way Ben was the other MC. That he's the guy our MC is with before he meets his happily ever ever guy.
It's a bit bittersweet that Ben ended up being that guy.
.
July 18, 2023
such a simple, sad, and loving story, probably my favorite read of the year so far, it was beautiful
August 31, 2023
Rep: gay mc & li, Black side characters
CWs: cancer, death of a parent, period typical homophobia, mentions of self harm (of side character)
CWs: cancer, death of a parent, period typical homophobia, mentions of self harm (of side character)
June 4, 2024
Wow, what a beautiful novel. Different in tone from earlier Grimsley works (e.g. Dream Boy and Comfort and Joy), which were, let’s be frank, pretty bleak, it has a dreamy, impressionistic quality. It’s easy to read but the ease of language is deceptive. This is a book that resonates inside you after reading.
The setting is a university campus (North Carolina) in the late 70s. Ronny is a young gay man who studies hard and helps the jocks with their homework. Despite how that description sounds, this is literary fiction, not the start of a piece of erotica, and Grimsley slowly builds a rendering of Ronny’s feelings for, and burgeoning connection with, a handsome football player, Ben. Ronny himself is slight and airy; at the start of the book, he moves around the campus almost wraithlike. He’s not sure who he is, what he wants, or where he’s going – and neither, we discover, does Ben.
Indistinct is a word that comes to mind a lot when reflecting on this story. The style of the writing is often deliberately foggy, with half sentences and beautiful impressions building layers of partial meaning as it goes along. We’re never given a clear picture, something that's reflected in the character of Miss Delacy, Ronny’s landlady at his student boarding house, who’s growing older and frailer, peering out at the world through her thick-lensed glasses.
I guess this is a good metaphor for the fuzzy unknowability of relationships and self-realisation. Ronny and Ben don’t know what love and sex and intimacy really mean, partly because they’re young and (in Ben’s case, possibly) gay, but also because they’re just human. Grimsley extrapolates the specific out to the universal, something often missing in contemporary focus on the (understandable) particularity of marginalised experience.
We glimpse Ben’s struggle with what it means to be a man or male through the love-struck eyes of Ronny. Ben needs time to get drunk and trash things with his jock buddies, sleep with girls, and play a lot of football. We see that he cannot function without these elements, especially when stressful or upsetting events occur in his life. He has a level of self-knowledge about this, but he needs to learn how to reconcile those elements of himself with his sexual and romantic feelings for Ronny.
Older women at the end of their lives also play a large part in this novel. Ben’s mother is seriously ill with cancer. Miss Delacy is slipping towards dementia and decline. It made me wonder if Grimsley himself has experienced the death of an elderly mother or similar, because his portraits of both women are gentle and perceptive (as well as poignant). Actually, his younger women are too. Despite the jealousies that Ronny experiences over Ben’s relationships with various female students, the book is never misogynistic or disrespectful, and his female characters are nuanced and real – with senses of humour and passions for Toni Morrison and other sorts of feminism.
Throughout the book, I felt all the agonies and blind emotions of Ronny’s love for Ben. I was there with him, apprehending Ben’s words and actions as frequently mysterious and illogical. I was never sure how it would end, and I won’t say now, only that the book never gives us any reassurances about how things will turn out in their relationship, because no one ever knows.
The setting is a university campus (North Carolina) in the late 70s. Ronny is a young gay man who studies hard and helps the jocks with their homework. Despite how that description sounds, this is literary fiction, not the start of a piece of erotica, and Grimsley slowly builds a rendering of Ronny’s feelings for, and burgeoning connection with, a handsome football player, Ben. Ronny himself is slight and airy; at the start of the book, he moves around the campus almost wraithlike. He’s not sure who he is, what he wants, or where he’s going – and neither, we discover, does Ben.
Indistinct is a word that comes to mind a lot when reflecting on this story. The style of the writing is often deliberately foggy, with half sentences and beautiful impressions building layers of partial meaning as it goes along. We’re never given a clear picture, something that's reflected in the character of Miss Delacy, Ronny’s landlady at his student boarding house, who’s growing older and frailer, peering out at the world through her thick-lensed glasses.
I guess this is a good metaphor for the fuzzy unknowability of relationships and self-realisation. Ronny and Ben don’t know what love and sex and intimacy really mean, partly because they’re young and (in Ben’s case, possibly) gay, but also because they’re just human. Grimsley extrapolates the specific out to the universal, something often missing in contemporary focus on the (understandable) particularity of marginalised experience.
We glimpse Ben’s struggle with what it means to be a man or male through the love-struck eyes of Ronny. Ben needs time to get drunk and trash things with his jock buddies, sleep with girls, and play a lot of football. We see that he cannot function without these elements, especially when stressful or upsetting events occur in his life. He has a level of self-knowledge about this, but he needs to learn how to reconcile those elements of himself with his sexual and romantic feelings for Ronny.
Older women at the end of their lives also play a large part in this novel. Ben’s mother is seriously ill with cancer. Miss Delacy is slipping towards dementia and decline. It made me wonder if Grimsley himself has experienced the death of an elderly mother or similar, because his portraits of both women are gentle and perceptive (as well as poignant). Actually, his younger women are too. Despite the jealousies that Ronny experiences over Ben’s relationships with various female students, the book is never misogynistic or disrespectful, and his female characters are nuanced and real – with senses of humour and passions for Toni Morrison and other sorts of feminism.
Throughout the book, I felt all the agonies and blind emotions of Ronny’s love for Ben. I was there with him, apprehending Ben’s words and actions as frequently mysterious and illogical. I was never sure how it would end, and I won’t say now, only that the book never gives us any reassurances about how things will turn out in their relationship, because no one ever knows.
August 22, 2022
This is a book for people that like slow, quiet "day in the life of" stories with ambiguous endings. We follow Ronny through a year of college in 1970s South Carolina as he tries to figure things out. There is plenty of drama and life changing events but they're all presented here on a low simmer. As a result, while the story itself was easy to follow and kept me mostly engaged, I never really connected with any of the characters and none of these huge events really hit me very hard. Unexpectedly, it has a HFN "ending" but left me feeling like the story still had a long way to go.
The book opens with Ronny starting a new year in a dorm that houses a lot of the football team - who use him as their resident paper writer. He helps them study and pass their classes and they don't give him too much shit. One of the team, Ben, is someone Ronny has always been a bit obsessed with and they end up having a secretive affair throughout the year. Ben is still dating girls during and it's a little convoluted whether he's doing this because he wants to, to keep up appearances, or it's just something that's just expected but meanwhile he's very possessive of Ronny even while he perpetually cheats on him. There are a lot of moments that are major red flags against Ben but there are also a lot of sweet private moments that make you think maybe it's worth it for Ronny, especially when he doesn't have much else in his life.
Besides the relationship drama, we also see two deaths of old women, daily school and local newspaper business, and a vague picture of what college life was like in this time and area. Interestingly, there aren't a lot of mentions of racism or even homophobia (besides blatant use of the word fa**ot) despite the time and location of the story which I thought was strange. There's even a campus-supported LGBT meetup group. Unless this was a particularly liberal city in the middle of the South, it felt a little duplicitous. The author mentions that his own life inspired a lot of the story so who am I to call it fake but it also makes me think he must have been incredibly lucky and/or naive.
Overall, I'd recommend it if the above is your thing. It was well written and the characters felt like real people with realistic dialogue. It just left me feeling a little bereft and wasn't a page-turner for me, taking me 3 weeks to complete.
The book opens with Ronny starting a new year in a dorm that houses a lot of the football team - who use him as their resident paper writer. He helps them study and pass their classes and they don't give him too much shit. One of the team, Ben, is someone Ronny has always been a bit obsessed with and they end up having a secretive affair throughout the year. Ben is still dating girls during and it's a little convoluted whether he's doing this because he wants to, to keep up appearances, or it's just something that's just expected but meanwhile he's very possessive of Ronny even while he perpetually cheats on him. There are a lot of moments that are major red flags against Ben but there are also a lot of sweet private moments that make you think maybe it's worth it for Ronny, especially when he doesn't have much else in his life.
Besides the relationship drama, we also see two deaths of old women, daily school and local newspaper business, and a vague picture of what college life was like in this time and area. Interestingly, there aren't a lot of mentions of racism or even homophobia (besides blatant use of the word fa**ot) despite the time and location of the story which I thought was strange. There's even a campus-supported LGBT meetup group. Unless this was a particularly liberal city in the middle of the South, it felt a little duplicitous. The author mentions that his own life inspired a lot of the story so who am I to call it fake but it also makes me think he must have been incredibly lucky and/or naive.
Overall, I'd recommend it if the above is your thing. It was well written and the characters felt like real people with realistic dialogue. It just left me feeling a little bereft and wasn't a page-turner for me, taking me 3 weeks to complete.
September 9, 2023
This book is an instant classic for me. I feel it on a very personal level, because I met and fell for someone like Ben, a long time ago. Reading about Ronny’s rollercoaster of emotions is like experiencing again all those long-forgotten feelings - hope, disappointment, anxiety, longing, and on good days, utter bliss. This book gave me more thrills than a thriller, following the ups and downs of the relationship. I couldn’t put it down until I reached the end, which fortunately, is a happy ending, or I couldn’t have taken it.
Jim Grimsley is a new-to-me author, but I just love his writing so much. I’m checking out his previous books, but they all seem sad and heart-breaking from what the blurbs say. Maybe I’ll read them some day when I’m in the right mood.
Jim Grimsley is a new-to-me author, but I just love his writing so much. I’m checking out his previous books, but they all seem sad and heart-breaking from what the blurbs say. Maybe I’ll read them some day when I’m in the right mood.
June 2, 2022
Excuse me while I sob. This is one of the best books I’ve ever read. It felt so raw and beautiful and real. I went through every single emotion reading this and the final one I had was pure happiness. I’m so glad I picked this up. I’ve never had a book make me cry so much before. My heart is so full.
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