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Until I Kill You
Brought to you by Penguin.
When Delia Balmer entered into a relationship with the attentive John Sweeney, she had no idea he was a serial killer.
At first he was caring but over the course of their relationship he became violent and controlling. On more than one occasion he held Delia hostage and tortured her. Chillingly, he also confessed to the murder of his previous girlfriend. After one serious assault, Sweeney was released on bail, and left her in the utmost fear knowing that he would return to finish her off. After a final frenzied attack leaving Delia on the brink of death, Sweeney went on the run. Astonishingly, it would take the police six years to capture and convict Sweeney of multiple murders.
This is her compelling memoir.
When Delia Balmer entered into a relationship with the attentive John Sweeney, she had no idea he was a serial killer.
At first he was caring but over the course of their relationship he became violent and controlling. On more than one occasion he held Delia hostage and tortured her. Chillingly, he also confessed to the murder of his previous girlfriend. After one serious assault, Sweeney was released on bail, and left her in the utmost fear knowing that he would return to finish her off. After a final frenzied attack leaving Delia on the brink of death, Sweeney went on the run. Astonishingly, it would take the police six years to capture and convict Sweeney of multiple murders.
This is her compelling memoir.
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Published November 7, 2024
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 89 reviews
November 28, 2024
Unpopular opinion warning
Unbelievable true story. I listened to it on Spotify, the narrator was good but I did find myself irritated by the true Dahlia, tragic, unfortunate and failed by the system but she had so many opportunities to leave or be rehoused before that day, she made the court experience worse for herself as well as the impact on her relationship with no accountability to her part in that, quite a lot of chapters droned on with her helplessness making it a jarring read eventually.
Unbelievable true story. I listened to it on Spotify, the narrator was good but I did find myself irritated by the true Dahlia, tragic, unfortunate and failed by the system but she had so many opportunities to leave or be rehoused before that day, she made the court experience worse for herself as well as the impact on her relationship with no accountability to her part in that, quite a lot of chapters droned on with her helplessness making it a jarring read eventually.
January 3, 2025
I want to preface this by saying that I have no idea how difficult life must be for a DV victim. I have never been in that situation, and especially not to that extent. I think from the outside it can be easy to say “why didn’t she do that?”, or “why didn’t she just leave?” Without really stopping to think.
That said, this book was utterly baffling to me.
The writing style was absolutely awful. I love a coma as much as the next person, but every sentence contained about twenty commas, as well as an abundance of semi colons and a ridiculous amount of italics. I’m not usually a major stickler for grammar, but this was just ridiculous.
I was also left with the impression that Delia thinks she’s better than everyone else. Her constant mention of items she’d bought from other countries portrays her as that insufferable person everyone knew in uni who wore hippy trousers and wouldn’t shut up about their “gap year”. A few times throughout the book the author mentioned she “wasn’t like other females”. I hate women being referred to as “females” anyways as it just gives off incel vibes.
I hate to question the accuracy of what is clearly an awful situation, but the fact she looks on every single service person (police, doctors, nurses, therapists etc) as being “unhelpful” and “rude”, without exception, makes me feel as though it’s the rage tainting her view. Which I guess is valid, but also makes the story unbelievable. Like, really? Not a single person was kind to you?
Lastly, the amount of times she was presented with a way out and refused to take it somewhat makes you lose sympathy. Again, ive never been in that position so its easy for me to say, but Delia is constantly talking about how she wanted to leave and yet when given ample opportunities decides to instead stay and be rude and abrasive so someone who literally held her hostage?
Idk man. This entire book was awful and im glad I never have to read it again
That said, this book was utterly baffling to me.
The writing style was absolutely awful. I love a coma as much as the next person, but every sentence contained about twenty commas, as well as an abundance of semi colons and a ridiculous amount of italics. I’m not usually a major stickler for grammar, but this was just ridiculous.
I was also left with the impression that Delia thinks she’s better than everyone else. Her constant mention of items she’d bought from other countries portrays her as that insufferable person everyone knew in uni who wore hippy trousers and wouldn’t shut up about their “gap year”. A few times throughout the book the author mentioned she “wasn’t like other females”. I hate women being referred to as “females” anyways as it just gives off incel vibes.
I hate to question the accuracy of what is clearly an awful situation, but the fact she looks on every single service person (police, doctors, nurses, therapists etc) as being “unhelpful” and “rude”, without exception, makes me feel as though it’s the rage tainting her view. Which I guess is valid, but also makes the story unbelievable. Like, really? Not a single person was kind to you?
Lastly, the amount of times she was presented with a way out and refused to take it somewhat makes you lose sympathy. Again, ive never been in that position so its easy for me to say, but Delia is constantly talking about how she wanted to leave and yet when given ample opportunities decides to instead stay and be rude and abrasive so someone who literally held her hostage?
Idk man. This entire book was awful and im glad I never have to read it again
January 14, 2025
A book of conflict. All of these things can be true - firstly, that Delia is a brave woman who has suffered horrific trauma and deserves sympathy and empathy and I hope has now found the support and peace she deserves. Secondly, that John Sweeney is a dangerous, evil killer, a brutal man who preyed on vulnerable woman and should have been stopped much earlier. Thirdly, there is frustration throughout, both with the authorities - police in particular - but also with Delia's actions and decisions and those of her friends and family. (One can only hope the situatuon would be dealt with better in the present day with lessons learned by society). Fourthly, that Delia's anger and rage overpower the 2nd half of the book and do cloud her perspective, and seem to be misdirected on several occassions, particularly towards friends and medical and support staff who treated her. Lastly, although the story is tense and gripping, the writing is perfunctory and the author's voice tests the patience of the reader towards the end.
November 19, 2024
By the end of the book I almost found myself thinking “oh ok when is it going to become hopeful now or more promising” but that’s not the point! So much literature and mainstream TV minimises or chastises female rage
The message of the book is like so many other cases. Wherever there’s a serial killer drawing fascination, there’s the true story which is some person, normally a woman, failed by the system intended to keep her safe
The message of the book is like so many other cases. Wherever there’s a serial killer drawing fascination, there’s the true story which is some person, normally a woman, failed by the system intended to keep her safe
December 8, 2025
Harrowing true crime memoir, including first-hand accounts of intimate partner violence, abuse and coercive control.
”It happened to me. He was a psychopath. And I lived for three years with a serial killer.”
I found this a difficult memoir to listen to, particularly with the details about his additional crimes and multiple murders.
”It happened to me. He was a psychopath. And I lived for three years with a serial killer.”
I found this a difficult memoir to listen to, particularly with the details about his additional crimes and multiple murders.
May 26, 2025
⭐⭐⭐⭐ stars
Until I Kill You is a harrowing yet powerful memoir that grips you from the first page. Delia Balmer’s account of surviving horrific abuse at the hands of serial killer John Sweeney is both courageous and deeply unsettling. Her storytelling is raw and honest, capturing not only the physical terror she endured but also the emotional aftermath and the long road to healing.
Balmer’s resilience shines throughout the book, and her willingness to confront such darkness makes this more than just a true crime story. The writing is straightforward and easy to read.
This is not an easy read, but it's an important one. Balmer gives a voice to victims who are too often silenced, and her bravery in telling her story deserves recognition.
Until I Kill You is a harrowing yet powerful memoir that grips you from the first page. Delia Balmer’s account of surviving horrific abuse at the hands of serial killer John Sweeney is both courageous and deeply unsettling. Her storytelling is raw and honest, capturing not only the physical terror she endured but also the emotional aftermath and the long road to healing.
Balmer’s resilience shines throughout the book, and her willingness to confront such darkness makes this more than just a true crime story. The writing is straightforward and easy to read.
This is not an easy read, but it's an important one. Balmer gives a voice to victims who are too often silenced, and her bravery in telling her story deserves recognition.
December 3, 2024
This is a terrifying true story that like Delia Balmer herself says reads like a psychological thriller! Delia Balmer bares all about her relationship with psychopath serial killer John Sweeney, who murder his ex lovers, chopping up their bodies and escape justice for many years to come! The sexual and physical abuse Delia suffered at his hands was horrific and it all came to ahead when he tried to kill her with an axe where she sustained horrific life long injuries. In Delias own words we hear about how she was failed by authorities who were supposed to protect her and re traumatised all over again when the authorities went about their hunt for justice! This story really does feel like fiction, which makes Delias story much more horrifying!
December 24, 2024
quickest read of my life because this was the most horrifyingly well told story - felt like it should be a fiction book because it’s so awful what happened but is an entirely true story; def my top recommendation of the year
February 17, 2025
1) It is never the victim's fault what the abuser does.
2) If you want a textbook unreliable narrator, this is the book for you.
3) This book never should have been published. The trauma and mental instability of Delia is, understandably, astronomical, and fame/whatever this book is, can't do anything good for that.
4) I low-key hated this book on so many levels.
It's the first book where I listened to a lot of it on 1.5x just to get it over with. Delia is just such a bad person. Of course she is heavily traumatized by the whole ordeal, but she takes none of that energy to do anything good, she's just selfish to a level I couldn't have imagined before reading this book. She is truly unhinged and just makes the worst decisions at every turn, and gets extremely upset when the world doesn't turn according to her dreams, including when her partner (not the murderer, the next one) gets cancer which is, apparently, SO rude and selfish of him.
The irony of how she keeps iterating that's she's #notlikeothergirls, or as I believe she says "not like other hysterical females" and "not a hysterical female", when she keeps giving detailed accounts of how she's dramatic and hysterical all the time.
I kept wondering if there was no editor on this? It is far, faaaar too long, repetitive, and drawn out. I didn't think I could lose so much sympathy for someone who has lived through that much abuse. But here we are.
2) If you want a textbook unreliable narrator, this is the book for you.
3) This book never should have been published. The trauma and mental instability of Delia is, understandably, astronomical, and fame/whatever this book is, can't do anything good for that.
4) I low-key hated this book on so many levels.
It's the first book where I listened to a lot of it on 1.5x just to get it over with. Delia is just such a bad person. Of course she is heavily traumatized by the whole ordeal, but she takes none of that energy to do anything good, she's just selfish to a level I couldn't have imagined before reading this book. She is truly unhinged and just makes the worst decisions at every turn, and gets extremely upset when the world doesn't turn according to her dreams, including when her partner (not the murderer, the next one) gets cancer which is, apparently, SO rude and selfish of him.
The irony of how she keeps iterating that's she's #notlikeothergirls, or as I believe she says "not like other hysterical females" and "not a hysterical female", when she keeps giving detailed accounts of how she's dramatic and hysterical all the time.
I kept wondering if there was no editor on this? It is far, faaaar too long, repetitive, and drawn out. I didn't think I could lose so much sympathy for someone who has lived through that much abuse. But here we are.
July 3, 2021
A great account of life with serial killer John Sweeney and how utterly evil he was.
It's a shame Balmer is so irritating and constantly makes the wrong decisions.
It's a shame Balmer is so irritating and constantly makes the wrong decisions.
April 24, 2025
I want to preface this by saying that I have no idea how difficult life must be for a DV victim. I have never been in that situation, and especially not to that extent. I think from the outside it can be easy to say "why didn't she do that?", or "why didn't she just leave?" Without really stopping to think.
This is an unbelievable true story. I listened to it on Spotify, the narrator was good but I did find myself irritated by the true Dahlia, tragic, unfortunate and failed by the system but she had so many opportunities to leave or be rehoused before that day, she made the court experience worse for herself as well as the impact on her relationship with no accountability to her part in that, quite a lot of chapters droned on with her helplessness making it a jarring read eventually.
It is clear that Delia was hugely failed by the "support Services" on offer at the time of her abuse when she tried to leave or when she reported him. I would like to think that it was a sign of the times and that things have moved on and changed a lot since the 90s, we now know so much more about domestic abuse. The fact that she wasn't offered support to leave because she didn't take it up the first time it was offered was maddening.
The anger that shines through is clear and, whilst understandable, it does feel misplaced at times - to blame the police and courts for her partners cancer for example.
I also had problems with statements that suggested what she was going through was much more than domestic abuse, as if diminishing other survivors experiences of DV. And I got frustrated at the selfishness of not wanting to support other victims as well, just because she was never listened to.
This is an unbelievable true story. I listened to it on Spotify, the narrator was good but I did find myself irritated by the true Dahlia, tragic, unfortunate and failed by the system but she had so many opportunities to leave or be rehoused before that day, she made the court experience worse for herself as well as the impact on her relationship with no accountability to her part in that, quite a lot of chapters droned on with her helplessness making it a jarring read eventually.
It is clear that Delia was hugely failed by the "support Services" on offer at the time of her abuse when she tried to leave or when she reported him. I would like to think that it was a sign of the times and that things have moved on and changed a lot since the 90s, we now know so much more about domestic abuse. The fact that she wasn't offered support to leave because she didn't take it up the first time it was offered was maddening.
The anger that shines through is clear and, whilst understandable, it does feel misplaced at times - to blame the police and courts for her partners cancer for example.
I also had problems with statements that suggested what she was going through was much more than domestic abuse, as if diminishing other survivors experiences of DV. And I got frustrated at the selfishness of not wanting to support other victims as well, just because she was never listened to.
May 12, 2025
This was one of the most terrifying books I have ever read. Delia was let down by every judge, police officer, and others who let her live in constant fear. The evil in which she endured based on the system failing is absurd and there is nothing that could be done to justify what she had to go through alone. My heart breaks for her and she deserved so much more. This man was pure evil, the devil.
January 24, 2025
Hard-hitting true story
TW: abuse, domestic violence, rape
TW: abuse, domestic violence, rape
January 13, 2025
Unusually for me, I read the book after watching the TV serialisation, which I found compelling. The style of writing though I found repetitive and irritating to the point where I lost interest and didn't finish it.
Read
January 18, 2025I felt awful about my feelings of this book, until I read the reviews on here that expressed exact same.
Firstly, let me say, it was a terrible thing that happened to Delia and she was let down by the Police. However she comes across as a not very likeable character (I hate to say). She is a extremely needy as a person, and blames anyone and everyone for letting her down. Even when she met Steve, who seemed a lovely, tolerant man, she turns on him eventually. She has no empathy even when he is terminally ill.
There is no growing, accepting, coming out stronger. No message for other survivors. No using her experience to help others. Simply poor me, right until the end.
Having just read Alan Davies book, Just Ignore Him which recounts his childhood and abusive father (which although a bleak subject radiates growth, hope and a message for others who have suffered) made me appreciate just how hope can grow from despair. Not in Delia's case. She's not interested in anything else other than living in her victim pigeon hole forever more.
I thought the ITV series was brilliant and wish I'd left it there and not read this.
Firstly, let me say, it was a terrible thing that happened to Delia and she was let down by the Police. However she comes across as a not very likeable character (I hate to say). She is a extremely needy as a person, and blames anyone and everyone for letting her down. Even when she met Steve, who seemed a lovely, tolerant man, she turns on him eventually. She has no empathy even when he is terminally ill.
There is no growing, accepting, coming out stronger. No message for other survivors. No using her experience to help others. Simply poor me, right until the end.
Having just read Alan Davies book, Just Ignore Him which recounts his childhood and abusive father (which although a bleak subject radiates growth, hope and a message for others who have suffered) made me appreciate just how hope can grow from despair. Not in Delia's case. She's not interested in anything else other than living in her victim pigeon hole forever more.
I thought the ITV series was brilliant and wish I'd left it there and not read this.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
May 20, 2025
I do not want to speak ill of the domestic violence victims. I can feel her pain that her life was made injustice and the law keep making a fool of every victims. BUT….
She is the most selfish person a total spoil brat. She thinks everyone is punishing her and if she doesn’t get her way she wants to rebel. She is so immature.
If she wrote this book hoping people would sympathise with her, how wrong was she. She is just a terrible human being. She blames everyone when people had offered her assistance but she refused. Too proud for what I do not know! And she had so many so so many chance to leave but she didn’t . And she has no compassion even her lover.
Even at the start of the book I felt like I was reading someone that had no confidence in life. She describe how graceful she is as she likes to dance, but I feel like saying so what? She keeps trinkets from travel, so does everyone! She have seriously mental issues that needs to be addressed even before all this happened to her and she made the situation worse for herself!
The writing was terrible. It feels like one big whinge fest!
She is the most selfish person a total spoil brat. She thinks everyone is punishing her and if she doesn’t get her way she wants to rebel. She is so immature.
If she wrote this book hoping people would sympathise with her, how wrong was she. She is just a terrible human being. She blames everyone when people had offered her assistance but she refused. Too proud for what I do not know! And she had so many so so many chance to leave but she didn’t . And she has no compassion even her lover.
Even at the start of the book I felt like I was reading someone that had no confidence in life. She describe how graceful she is as she likes to dance, but I feel like saying so what? She keeps trinkets from travel, so does everyone! She have seriously mental issues that needs to be addressed even before all this happened to her and she made the situation worse for herself!
The writing was terrible. It feels like one big whinge fest!
July 3, 2018
I really enjoyed this at points hard to read memoir.
Delia's focus, her reasoning to writing the book and the overarching theme of not being listened to make this a valuable contribution. It is a story of a powerless woman, trapped by a manipulative man and her own insecurities, who struggles to find the strength to ask for help and is ultimately ignored.
It made me think deeply about the justice system, media coverage of criminal court cases and how we rationalise decisions. I feel a lot of empathy for Delia, who does not hold back on her own failings as a vulnerable adult, but in turn also highlights how the poor treatment her her situation by the police and charities designed to help people just like her, exasperated them, destroying her and her relationships in the process.
I think it is a really well-written book and I hope through getting her chance to tell her own story she has found some peace.
Delia's focus, her reasoning to writing the book and the overarching theme of not being listened to make this a valuable contribution. It is a story of a powerless woman, trapped by a manipulative man and her own insecurities, who struggles to find the strength to ask for help and is ultimately ignored.
It made me think deeply about the justice system, media coverage of criminal court cases and how we rationalise decisions. I feel a lot of empathy for Delia, who does not hold back on her own failings as a vulnerable adult, but in turn also highlights how the poor treatment her her situation by the police and charities designed to help people just like her, exasperated them, destroying her and her relationships in the process.
I think it is a really well-written book and I hope through getting her chance to tell her own story she has found some peace.
November 24, 2024
Poorly written but with some interesting chapters
The author went through a terrible experience and Sweeney should stay incarcerated until he dies. DB was clearly an individual with mental health issues before she met Sweeney. He manipulated, exploited and abused DB and got away with it for a long time because of DB’s inadequacies. I also feel that DB’s friends and work colleagues didn’t do enough to help her. The book is not well written but then again DB is not a professional writer. If you seen the TV series, this book adds little.
The author went through a terrible experience and Sweeney should stay incarcerated until he dies. DB was clearly an individual with mental health issues before she met Sweeney. He manipulated, exploited and abused DB and got away with it for a long time because of DB’s inadequacies. I also feel that DB’s friends and work colleagues didn’t do enough to help her. The book is not well written but then again DB is not a professional writer. If you seen the TV series, this book adds little.
January 5, 2025
I read this book after watching the TV series. It gave me more insight into the 2 characters of Delia and John. There was also more detail, some of it not shown in the series. Whether by fear, denial, or a feeling she could change things,Delia tolerated years of abuse and terrifying ordeals at his hands. This left her with emotional scars as well as physical. She has, however, managed to illustrate the lack of support and understanding by people in authority who should have done more to help. If the same happened now, would the responses be the same? We hope not.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
September 26, 2025
2.5 very heavy read. TW x 100. the hardest thing about this book is how alone Delia is throughout her abusive relationship. she needed support, and it very seldom came. that lack of support often led to her making decisions that ultimately led to more suffering, but it’s understandable why she’s so untrusting.
September 7, 2019
Absolutely fantastic
This was a really great read that had me hooked from the start. This was at times a difficult read but came across brilliant so you could understand why things went.
It was hard to put the book down as I continued to carry on reading through each chapter
This was a really great read that had me hooked from the start. This was at times a difficult read but came across brilliant so you could understand why things went.
It was hard to put the book down as I continued to carry on reading through each chapter
December 30, 2024
Absolutely incredible. What an amazing lady. Seriously can’t get my head round how badly she was treated and let down by systems which are supposed to support and keep you safe.
As hard as it was to think of all she been through book is extremely well written.
As hard as it was to think of all she been through book is extremely well written.
February 5, 2024
Very slow start was gonna give up on it but wow what a brilliant turn around the law sucks and Delia never really got justice
August 29, 2024
Sorry for the author, but I can't read her book. Dnf.
January 11, 2025
This book and the series featured on BritBox kept my attention from start to finish. See for yourself.
November 28, 2025
I always find biographies hard to review because it takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there and be vulnerable. There is no doubt that what Delia went through was horrific and I have no way to really even fathom the fear she lived with on a daily basis.
She was let down by virtually every person and organisation she turned to for help (including her own parents) and then was treated abhorrently by the police and the court system. As hard as it was for her to write this book and speak out, it is only because of victim survivors like herself, that the attitudes and processes of family violence services and the justice system can improve. But holy hell, some of things people said and did to her were SHOCKING. Like the domestic violence service who called the police without considering the risk that doing so might put her in, making decisions for her without even discussing it with her and then telling her she’d had her chance and blowing her off. I genuinely wonder how many women died as a result of this treatment?
Having said that, what made this book hard to read was not so much the content, but the delivery. There’s a real disconnect between the subject matter and the language used. There is a heavy use of incel terminology throughout the book which was really hard to take. The author dehumanises most of the people she encounters, but shows particular contempt for the women, using the word ‘female’ for example with derision and scorn. Much of the way she talks about herself, her relationships, sex and rape is absolutely saturated with misogyny. If I didn’t know it was written by Delia, I’d have thought for sure that it was written by a man.
The second half of the book, is largely Delia venting her anger and resentment. While the first half of the book has a purpose and follows a linear narrative, the second half is repetitive and it just goes nowhere. I understand her rage. I think it would be challenging for anybody not to succumb to anger under the circumstances, but it absolutely consumed her and the result was a book which depicts her in a really unfavourable light. From start to end, she is difficult to like, she makes really questionable decisions and despite mentioning seeing a therapist, she is really stuck in the unfairness of it all and completely unable to move past it which would be fucking exhausting. I hope she manages to find some peace.
.
She was let down by virtually every person and organisation she turned to for help (including her own parents) and then was treated abhorrently by the police and the court system. As hard as it was for her to write this book and speak out, it is only because of victim survivors like herself, that the attitudes and processes of family violence services and the justice system can improve. But holy hell, some of things people said and did to her were SHOCKING. Like the domestic violence service who called the police without considering the risk that doing so might put her in, making decisions for her without even discussing it with her and then telling her she’d had her chance and blowing her off. I genuinely wonder how many women died as a result of this treatment?
Having said that, what made this book hard to read was not so much the content, but the delivery. There’s a real disconnect between the subject matter and the language used. There is a heavy use of incel terminology throughout the book which was really hard to take. The author dehumanises most of the people she encounters, but shows particular contempt for the women, using the word ‘female’ for example with derision and scorn. Much of the way she talks about herself, her relationships, sex and rape is absolutely saturated with misogyny. If I didn’t know it was written by Delia, I’d have thought for sure that it was written by a man.
The second half of the book, is largely Delia venting her anger and resentment. While the first half of the book has a purpose and follows a linear narrative, the second half is repetitive and it just goes nowhere. I understand her rage. I think it would be challenging for anybody not to succumb to anger under the circumstances, but it absolutely consumed her and the result was a book which depicts her in a really unfavourable light. From start to end, she is difficult to like, she makes really questionable decisions and despite mentioning seeing a therapist, she is really stuck in the unfairness of it all and completely unable to move past it which would be fucking exhausting. I hope she manages to find some peace.
.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
August 18, 2025
I am so conflicted on this book. I am NOT conflicted on the movie and think the movie in this book is pure trash and does NOT tell her story accurately. I was more pissed at the movie and wish it was never made.
Why am I conflicted? I can relate to her on much of her story. After what I went through with my ex husband, going through trial, seeing a jury of all men and ONE woman, not allowing his prior DVs to be talked about, and then being found NOT guilty, I was left feeling extremely pissed off and angry. And this was in America.
I applaud her willingness to fight to stay when the world would say flee. I understand that in her 100%.
Does she have a right to be angry? YES! I found myself getting angry at her for not being willing to compromise and channel her anger or find ways to cope with it. I feel like her anger at times did not help her. Yes she has a right to be angry, especially when she felt not protected starting out. But responding to EVERYONE in anger does not help your case.
It sometimes felt like she wanted help and got angry when she got it. I felt like she was very focused on her and didn’t care about anyone else. Not even the other victims. I get she wanted to forget it and be left alone but she knew he would find her and probably kill her.
I will end this by saying a survivor should never EVER be forced to testify in court no matter what outsiders have to say. We don’t have to live their life and we dint have to understand their choice/decision. THEY are the survivor. We aren’t. How one survivor goes forward with their life is not how all can, will, or should. It’s a personal journey.
Why am I conflicted? I can relate to her on much of her story. After what I went through with my ex husband, going through trial, seeing a jury of all men and ONE woman, not allowing his prior DVs to be talked about, and then being found NOT guilty, I was left feeling extremely pissed off and angry. And this was in America.
I applaud her willingness to fight to stay when the world would say flee. I understand that in her 100%.
Does she have a right to be angry? YES! I found myself getting angry at her for not being willing to compromise and channel her anger or find ways to cope with it. I feel like her anger at times did not help her. Yes she has a right to be angry, especially when she felt not protected starting out. But responding to EVERYONE in anger does not help your case.
It sometimes felt like she wanted help and got angry when she got it. I felt like she was very focused on her and didn’t care about anyone else. Not even the other victims. I get she wanted to forget it and be left alone but she knew he would find her and probably kill her.
I will end this by saying a survivor should never EVER be forced to testify in court no matter what outsiders have to say. We don’t have to live their life and we dint have to understand their choice/decision. THEY are the survivor. We aren’t. How one survivor goes forward with their life is not how all can, will, or should. It’s a personal journey.
April 15, 2025
I really enjoyed the miniseries based on Delia Balmer's book, but I feel that those who say the book is a waste of time if you've seen the series are missing out.
The story was harrowing and uncomfortable enough to watch unfold on tv, but hearing it told in the author's own words just hits differently. The Delia depicted onscreen was at times difficult to like, but on paper I can really understand her prickly personality.
Balmer lived for years with serial killer John Sweeney and has her share of physical and mental scars from the relationship. She spent one bank holiday weekend tied to their shared bed and repeatedly degraded and humiliated. Worst of all though was a vicious attack against her that almost killed her. This attack took place while Sweeney was out on bail for the crimes he committed against Balmer.
It's no wonder she carries so much anger; not just towards Sweeney, if anything most of her anger is directed at the police and the UK's justice system. What kind of system allows a man who has previous convictions for violence against women out on bail to offend again?
I spent much of the book absolutely seething with Delia for the way she was treated repeatedly by officers who didn't take her seriously until it was too late, and for the vicious way her character was attacked when she was forced to give evidence against John Sweeney in court. Her emotions are really expressed with each carefully chosen word, and I couldn't help but feel for her and feel angry for her.
I hope that wherever Delia Balmer is now, she is living life the way she deserves.
The story was harrowing and uncomfortable enough to watch unfold on tv, but hearing it told in the author's own words just hits differently. The Delia depicted onscreen was at times difficult to like, but on paper I can really understand her prickly personality.
Balmer lived for years with serial killer John Sweeney and has her share of physical and mental scars from the relationship. She spent one bank holiday weekend tied to their shared bed and repeatedly degraded and humiliated. Worst of all though was a vicious attack against her that almost killed her. This attack took place while Sweeney was out on bail for the crimes he committed against Balmer.
It's no wonder she carries so much anger; not just towards Sweeney, if anything most of her anger is directed at the police and the UK's justice system. What kind of system allows a man who has previous convictions for violence against women out on bail to offend again?
I spent much of the book absolutely seething with Delia for the way she was treated repeatedly by officers who didn't take her seriously until it was too late, and for the vicious way her character was attacked when she was forced to give evidence against John Sweeney in court. Her emotions are really expressed with each carefully chosen word, and I couldn't help but feel for her and feel angry for her.
I hope that wherever Delia Balmer is now, she is living life the way she deserves.
April 16, 2025
Wow, what an awful experience Delia has been through. I can’t imagine the fear and hopelessness she must have felt throughout her lack of support. It is clear that Delia was hugely failed by the “support Services” on offer at the time of her abuse when she tried to leave or when she reported him. I would like to think that it was a sign of the times and that things have moved on and changed a lot since the 90s, we now know so much more about domestic abuse. The fact that she wasn’t offered support to leave because she didn’t take it up the first time it was offered was maddening. We know now that it takes an average of 7 attempts before someone can leave an abusive relationship. I honestly wish the author the best and hope she can find healing, however I did have some issues with the book and like to review things honestly.
The anger that shines through is clear and, whilst understandable, it does feel misplaced at times - to blame the police and courts for her partners cancer for example.
I also had problems with statements that suggested what she was going through was much more than domestic abuse, as if diminishing other survivors experiences of DV.
I also didn’t like the way she referred to women as “hysterical”, making statements that she wasn’t like other hysterical women who become frightened of other men; again, this would be a very understandable reaction for anyone who has been abused and shouldn’t be belittled.
As a therapist, it’s clear to see that the anger is a part of her PTSD and I think there is still a lot to work through.
The anger that shines through is clear and, whilst understandable, it does feel misplaced at times - to blame the police and courts for her partners cancer for example.
I also had problems with statements that suggested what she was going through was much more than domestic abuse, as if diminishing other survivors experiences of DV.
I also didn’t like the way she referred to women as “hysterical”, making statements that she wasn’t like other hysterical women who become frightened of other men; again, this would be a very understandable reaction for anyone who has been abused and shouldn’t be belittled.
As a therapist, it’s clear to see that the anger is a part of her PTSD and I think there is still a lot to work through.
January 10, 2025
I read this after watching the itv drama. I really loved this book . I thought the author described the feelings she has very accurately and precisely . At first I found her quite difficult to relate to , my first thoughts were that she was awkward , perhaps on the spectrum and maybe a bit dramatic but almost lacking emotion and I thought this was portrayed in the drama series very well.
As I continued with the book though I changed my mind very quickly . This lady is simply brutally honest about how she felt during a horrific time and I totally applaud her bravery and honesty . I only wish people were more raw and honest like Delia. The main point I took away though is on our justice system. I couldn’t agree more that preventing crimes from happening is better than some skewed view of “justice” being served after the fact . Our justice system is broken and we are not doing anywhere near a good job of preventing crimes , or helping and supporting victims afterwards .
I’m so sorry for what this poor woman had to endure and the failings of organisations and law makers who left a clearly vulnerable woman in harms way .
Delia has been left a very angry woman . Totally understandable giving what’s happened to her . It reminds me that if you’re not angry , you’re not paying attention .
As I continued with the book though I changed my mind very quickly . This lady is simply brutally honest about how she felt during a horrific time and I totally applaud her bravery and honesty . I only wish people were more raw and honest like Delia. The main point I took away though is on our justice system. I couldn’t agree more that preventing crimes from happening is better than some skewed view of “justice” being served after the fact . Our justice system is broken and we are not doing anywhere near a good job of preventing crimes , or helping and supporting victims afterwards .
I’m so sorry for what this poor woman had to endure and the failings of organisations and law makers who left a clearly vulnerable woman in harms way .
Delia has been left a very angry woman . Totally understandable giving what’s happened to her . It reminds me that if you’re not angry , you’re not paying attention .
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
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