The Failures of Forgiveness: What We Get Wrong and How to Do Better

by Myisha Cherry

Philosopher Myisha Cherry teaches us the right ways to deal with wrongdoing in our lives and the world

Sages from Cicero to Oprah have told us that forgiveness requires us to let go of negative emotions and that it has a unique power to heal our wounds. In Failures of Forgiveness, Myisha Cherry argues that these beliefs couldn’t be more wrong—and that the ways we think about and use forgiveness, personally and as a society, can often do more harm than good. She presents a new and healthier understanding of forgiveness—one that will give us a better chance to recover from wrongdoing and move toward “radical repair.”

Cherry began exploring forgiveness after some relatives of the victims of the mass shooting at Emanuel A.M.E. Church in Charleston, South Carolina, forgave what seemed unforgiveable. She was troubled that many observers appeared to be more inspired by these acts of forgiveness than they were motivated to confront the racial hatred that led to the killings. That is a big mistake, Cherry argues. Forgiveness isn’t magic. We can forgive and still be angry, there can be good reasons not to forgive, and forgiving a wrong without tackling its roots solves nothing. Examining how forgiveness can go wrong in families, between friends, at work, and in the media, politics, and beyond, Cherry addresses forgiveness and race, canceling versus forgiving, self-forgiveness, and more. She takes the burden of forgiveness off those who have been wronged and offers guidance both to those deciding whether and how to forgive and those seeking forgiveness.

By showing us how to do forgiveness better, Failures of Forgiveness promises to transform how we deal with wrongdoing in our lives, opening a new path to true healing and reconciliation.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Philosophy, Self Help, Sociology, Mental Health, Spirituality

Audible Audio

Published September 19, 2023

Reviews

[Hannah · Rating 5 out of 5]

After reading Resilient Grieving: How to Find Your Way Through a Devastating Loss by Lucy Hone, someone commented on my review that I might find this book helpful given my rage regarding the manner in which both my parents died. (Thanks Brooke!)

This book is powerful and will require multiple readings to absorb all that's in here. Extremely helpful examples and a deep analysis of the many kinds of forgiveness, the impact on relationships, acceptable forms, potential for growth, (in)appropriate apologies and requests for forgiveness, manipulation of racism, and so much more.

Brooke was right. This book helped me understand the justifiable anger I hold. I now understand that I may never have the conditions necessary for me to forgive the people I blame for their deaths (hospice in my mom's case and a selfish and reckless driver in my dad's). I'm ok with that. I know people will/have told me that the anger isn't healthy, but I disagree. It helps direct it externally rather than letting it chew me up. And it has made me more vigilant with friends and even strangers who might be at similar risks, giving me opportunities to assist and do something positive with my relentless well of pissed off grief.

I think this book can be applicable across many circumstances. Cherry provides some very specific examples - public, personal, and hypothetical. Book is easy to read, though as mentioned upfront, could take a few reads to unpack it all.

[Tree ✶.˚⟡ ࣪ ⋆ · Rating 3 out of 5]

2.5 ⭐️

[Magdelanye · Rating 5 out of 5]

Everybody knows that forgiveness is necessary in navigating a harmonious life. "Forgive and forget" right? Not so fast. Myisha Cherry unpacks the whole notion in this thoughtful, surprisingly terrific addition to the new genre that straddles activism and self-help.

To be sure, forgiveness is powerful, but it is not magical.It doesn't work on it's own, nor does it transform states of affairs in an instant. p4

forgiveness is not one thing and it does not aim at one goal. p5
Instead of looking at forgiveness as a single act, there are a variety of ways to practice forgiveness p19
Forgiveness is a process. Even when I decide to forgive, I still have to engage in the relevant practice. And this may take a while. p33

Forgiveness is called for when there has been a rupture in harmonious relations that affect not only the offended party, who is given to play the role of victim. MC is concerned that we are too glib with forgiveness and cautions against rushing the process. She details how family and friends can help rather than hinder, noting that "truth is a necessary precondition"p71

We can provide better care to victims by listening and decentering ourselves. p114

Shame makes us want to hide, and it is difficult to address our past actions when we are hiding from ourselves. p163

What's there to hide? MC looks at the underlying feelings like resentment, shame, anger and guilt, as well as the surrounding circumstances, to expand a broader view. The narrow view of forgiveness does not allow more than superficial recognition of harm done. Victims are routinely blamed, gaslighted, patronized and ignored.

Because we haven't attended to the underlying issues, the problem quickly creeps back up. p177

Overall, forgiveness involves more than just the absence and moderation of feelings. p15

The noise of the crowd shouldn't be the determining factor. Whatever decision you come to...make sure you act in ways that do not obscure, excuse, ignore or perpetuate wrongdoing. p149

Radical repair is different than superficial and thrifty repair...attempts to get at the root of the problem...fixing what's actually broken. p179

It seems to me that in fact it's almost unforgivable that more attention has not been directed to this concern. At a time when the world is elaborating extreme revenge fantasies, it is urgent that we look at other ways to achieve the peace that we so desperately need to be able to work together for the changes that need to happen if we don't want to accelerate the next extinction.

We should also rethink who plays a part in forgiveness. It's never just the victim. p194

Note November 29
Just starting MC's The Case for Rage and thinking back on my rating of this book, it occurs to me that I I loved it, and that I erred in holding back a star.

The only way I can forgive myself is to rectify the situation which I am about to do.

[Morgan · Rating 5 out of 5]

As someone with a dysfunctional extended family, forgiveness has always been a touchy topic. I really wasn’t sure how I’d feel about this book. Overall, I really loved it. It covers topics like what forgiveness means/common misconceptions, inappropriate public asks of forgiveness from victims of racial violence, to cancel culture.

[Alanah · Rating 4 out of 5]

A deep dive into the idea of forgiveness. Admittedly, I haven’t spent much time thinking about forgiveness. Now I will always see it differently. Very thought provoking.

[Anne Jisca · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have wrestled with the concept of forgiveness for years. Having being raised as a conservative evangelical christian, the belief system was to forgive. Over and over and over. 70x7. There was an unspoken “forgive and forget” undertone. After all, didn’t Jesus forgive us our sins?! Forgiveness was also tied with healing. I believed I could not be healed without forgiving. I forgave. Over and over. I struggled with this topic increasingly, as I started dismantling abuse. How could I forgive that? I did not want to forgive the actions of my abuser, yet I was truly healing and moving on. It went against all I was taught. I eventually read a book that spoke of forgiveness so differently. That there is no time frame for forgiveness. That forgiveness does not equal reconciliation. That the abuser needs to make amends to the abused. Etc

I picked up this book because of this years-long process of figuring out forgiveness. She does a good job of explaining it how I now view it. Empowering the victim. Not setting time frames. Etc What I really appreciated, which I had not yet heard along with forgiveness, is how she approaches forgiveness with racial violence, cancel culture, gender issues, etc It was really helpful, and I’m so glad someone is speaking out on this. Forgiveness from a minority group, when the violence is perpetual and a deep community problem, will not look the same. Nor should it! And that’s OK. I appreciate the insights on forgiveness and racial issues a lot.

Thanks, NetGalley, for the ARC.

[Kristiana · Rating 4 out of 5]

Failures of Forgiveness is a much needed book in the self-help space. Failures of Forgiveness discusses where forgiveness can hurt the victim and how to navigate when others apologize. It centers on people who are wronged and offers well thought out examples: the Truth and Reconciliation Commission in post-apartheid South Africa and the Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church Charleston, SC shooting. Cherry also discusses office culture and how forgiveness can be used against employees. She discusses the effects of religion on the ideas of forgiveness and forgetting and also spends time talking about extending forgiveness to ourselves. It is a well-written and well-structured book that is easy to read. There is a lot to think about and unpack. I highly recommend it.

Thank you, RB Media, for the gifted audiobook.

[Joshua Glasgow · Rating 3 out of 5]

This felt like it could be a timely read for me. I’ve been participating in talk therapy for at least a couple of years now, with the primary driver behind that being my shaky relationship with my parents—something that became much more prominent in the aftermath of the 2016 election and… sadly, continues now, a full decade later. Because of the changes in my own mindset brought about by therapy, though, I’ve reached a point where I am… well, no less justifiably angry than I have been all along, but mostly at peace with the possibility—nay, likelihood—that our relationship will never be what I hope it to be. In addition, I recently read Eric Foner’s massive, but moving RECONSTRUCTION: AMERICA’S UNFINISHED REVOLUTION, 1863-1877, and that book had me thinking a lot about how America ought to have responded to the Confederates after the close of the Civil War. What we did—inviting them back into the fold with open arms, essentially—was clearly not sufficient. I thought that this book, purportedly about forgiveness done poorly, would speak to these concerns. That is, I thought it would help me understand how to be willing to offer forgiveness, even to someone who is not asking for it and is in fact continuing the behavior for which forgiveness is needed. I perceived this as some kind of How To guide, something that would give me the definite key which would allow me to escape all that’s weighing on my heart and mind.

The book doesn’t accomplish this, and I suppose it was inappropriate for me to put those expectations on it. Nevertheless, because it did not live up to my (admittedly unreasonable) expectations, my response to it is something less than enthusiasm. Rather than giving me the answer as I’d hoped, much of the book feels rather… anecdotal. Its author, Myisha Cherry, is supposedly a philosophy professor at UC-Riverside, but my feeling about the book is that it mostly reads as the author’s personal ideas about what forgiveness is or should be without much in the way of supporting argument.

That’s not to say that I’m opposed to her philosophy. One big theme of Cherry’s work here is that “forgiveness” is not a one-time thing, nor is it a single action which inevitably leads to complete resolution and reconciliation. That image of forgiveness is a fairy tale image, and to be unsatisfied with anything that falls short of that imagined standard is absurd and unhealthy. In actuality, she says, forgiveness can involve a number of aims and activities. One may feel they have forgiven a wrongdoer while still not wishing to have an ongoing relationship with them, or no longer having the relationship which existed before. It’s not wrong to retain some anger; anger supports one’s self-identity and their knowledge that what happened was in fact a wrong. A person may forgive but nevertheless remain angry, Cherry says. That’s affirming, but it does make me question what “forgiveness” means, then, in this context.

Part of the book explores the efficacy of South Africa’s Truth and Reconciliation Commission (TRC), which was established after the fall of apartheid. The TRC focused heavily on forgiveness in a traditional sense, wherein the victims explicitly affirm they no longer feel any sense of malice toward their oppressor. While this achieved better ends than the purely punitive state we currently live in if you, like me, are a U.S. resident, it still forced victims to adhere to a limited view of forgiveness, at a time they may not have been ready to offer such to their wrongdoer. After this, Cherry describes her ideas of ways we as a people, interacting with a victim, can honor their journey toward forgiveness at whatever stage the person may find themselves. She offers suggestions such as asking whether the person can foresee forgiving at any point in the future, rather than asking them if they are now ready to forgive. She also cautions against asking this question too close in time to the harm, or if the relationship between the inquirer and victim is too tenuous (e.g. a journalist asking such a question is intrusive, whereas a family member asking the question may be acting appropriately.)

I wouldn’t say that I disliked the book at all, and the one Goodreads friend I have who has read it wrote in her review that the book “could take a few reads to unpack it all”. That may well be the case; I do wonder if I’d have gotten more out of it if I had read it more deliberately, which is to say, if I had taken it slower and spent time really considering each of the author’s statements instead of pushing through. I’m of a mixed mind here: sometimes I do think it’s worthwhile to give a book that extra attention, but I’m also resistant to being forced to give a book more focus than I otherwise naturally would in order to get something out of it.

I did take down some quotes and have a set of photos of pages from the book saved in my phone which I intended to refer to in this review. Writing this now, though, I’m not inclined to make the effort to sort through the images to pull out whatever it was I hoped to quote. I just want to leave the discussion confined to my overall impressions, which is that there are some ideas here about what forgiveness means and how we as outside observers (or as wrongdoers ourselves) can best respond to people who are struggling to forgive which I do find compelling. At the same time, the informal philosophical methods employed by the author made me a little less receptive and my disappointment in not finding specifically what I’d hoped to find in it contributed further to my sense of frustration. As a result, my feeling on the book is that it’s just alright, without more.

[Teddy Goetz · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.75 stars. This was a thoughtful and compelling book about societal narratives of responding to harm and how we as individuals can prioritize meeting our own needs. I was disappointed that it didn't discuss teshuvah (see On Repentence and Repair by Danya Ruttenberg).

The audiobook performance was excellent.

Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for the audiobook ARC in exchange for an honest review!

[Larisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

In some ways Cherry's theory of what forgiveness is feels too inclusive (as in, I'm not sure exactly what forgiveness is and isn't on her view). But I found this book to be a helpful antidote to a lot of philosophers' biases and misunderstandings, as well as something accessible and interesting to non-academics as well who want to understand how we can do better after wrongdoing, whether we ultimately forgive or not.

[Brooke · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was really well done. Impressive how much research and pop culture references went into this. It looks at the nuances of forgiveness, and addresses cancel culture. There is no one way to forgive and no perfect forgiveness

[Liz Mc2 · Rating 4 out of 5]

I didn’t read quite all of this, but really liked what I did read. I am most familiar with Christian perspectives on forgiveness, so reading a philosopher’s case for a broader view of how we can meet the goals of forgiveness (repair, relief, reconciliation) was intriguing. Cherry is particularly good on forgiveness when it comes to racist harms, and how questions about forgiveness can put the burden of healing social divisions on those most harmed by them. For me personally, the chapter on self-forgiveness was most useful.

[Gabriella · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’ve been waiting for something like this!!! While The Failures of Forgiveness wasn’t *exactly* the book I hoped it was, I’m certainly glad it exists.

🛞🤯 Essential reframing
Myisha Cherry’s work is a helpful counterweight to something I’ve struggled with for years: the notion of forgiveness as a blank slate “do-over” that must be offered to anyone. Where Cherry steps in, quite helpfully, is by noting that forgiveness isn’t the only solution to conflict. Her broad view of forgiveness shows that there are more pathways to repair than forgiveness, and that true repair requires much more than forgiveness. The broad view of forgiveness allows each person to determine what they’d like to forgive, and how they’d like to do it, which feels much more hopeful than the one-size-fits-all models many of us are taught. The broad view also challenges us to leave space for people who don’t want to forgive, and challenges assumptions that these “withholders” are not interested in repair. Cherry argues that in a culture that demands forgiveness, withholding actually requires honesty, courage, and prudence: these are people who are looking at the problem in front of them, seeing that forgiveness alone can’t resolve it, and inviting us all to dig deeper to truly resolve these issues. Just wonderful stuff that I really needed to read!!!

👨🏾‍⚖️🗣️ Troubling the commandment of forgiveness
The chapters of this book are broken out topically, and one of my favorite early chapters focused on the conversational patterns and scripts of forgiveness. Cherry notes one huge problem, which is that many people are commanded to forgive, instead of being given the choice and/or time to do so. Cherry notes that “When we command others to forgive, the command gets its force from our presumed authority as requesters”. This very authority is a huge part of my issue with the commandment of forgiveness. This commandment was often issued by people in power within my blood and church families, and reinforced through Christianity-infused peer pressure. As a child, I found it curious that I was always being commanded to immediately forgive adults who’d harmed me, but these adults were never expected to forgive children for our “misbehavior”, and instead were justified in lashing out at us for the smallest transgressions. This unvirtuous cycle, where the sins of some are punished while the sins of others are rewarded with immediate forgiveness, is one of the most difficult things for me to unravel even at 27.

I was listening to The Failures of Forgiveness while reading Dominion, Addie E. Citchens’ STUNNING debut novel. At one point in that book, a pastor tells his wife something to the effect of “a man shouldn’t have to beg anyone but God.” This quote really haunted me because it shows just how easily forgiveness can be manipulated by people with power. Cherry notes that for these people, apologies can be weaponized into power trips. She provides several examples of apologies that actually serve to justify the wrongdoer’s actions, reclaim power, and prevent any further discussion of the issue. Apologies like these essentially become nefarious press releases, using this commandment of forgiveness to sway public opinion against accountability.

🌍🏠 Forgiveness in society and family
The book’s following chapters branch out to look at societal forgiveness, such as in South Africa’s Truth and Reconciliation Commission (TRC), which essentially coerced victims into a forgiveness regime. I was particularly interested in Cherry’s note that the TRC hearings used lots of Christian rhetoric and rituals, and barred reconciliation processes from other faith traditions. Again, we see the notion of forgiveness as a Christian ethic or mandate, that has come to excuse everything from chattel slavery to settler colonialism. We are so far off from repair, and so much of it is because of the terrible uses of this specific religion.

I’ve already recommended Cherry’s chapter on family forgiveness to several people—including a fictional characters in another book I’m reading. 😂 One very difficult aspect of forgiveness in family contexts is that many times the task is to forgive people for who they are, not just what they’ve done. She also introduces particular problems with familial forgiveness, such as the pacing problem—basically when different people in the family forgive on different timelines/in different manners. In these cases, some relatives might experience fallout fatigue, when their anxiety about familial uncertainty prompts them to rush their or others’ forgiveness processes. Cherry also mentions the protection problem, when the family decides that forgiveness must be enforced to protect the most powerful or valuable relative, and/or the family’s image. Now for a quote:

“…our own families can forgive each other and demand consequences. When we equate forgiveness with tolerating or excusing misconduct, we breed more trauma, which is antithetical to the basic idea that families should provide security to one another.”

The quote above raises the important question of what families are supposed to provide to each other. As Cherry notes elsewhere in the chapter, many family conflicts are tied to expectations and/or failures of care. I read a lot about crises of care, as this topic is already proving to be one of the most central issues of my life. We have so much to learn about how to adequately care for each other and ourselves, specifically as we all become more disabled. However, even with our best intents, we will fail to fully bridge the gaping chasms in care that are created by our morally ruinous, productivity-driven society. For these inevitable failures, I am thankful for Cherry’s guidance on how forgiveness can play a role in restoring bonds with our blood, chosen, and other families—we will need our families SO MUCH in the wars to come!!!

💼👯Forgiveness in work and friendships
Cherry’s chapters on forgiveness in work and friendship settings are a bit more straightforward, but perhaps a bit repetitive? I think a few takeaways for me were that we need to stop putting forgiveness on a pedestal, and instead make more room to appreciate other pro-social behaviors. As Cherry notes, “It’s not that the resolution bar is too high, but that forgiveness is not the only path to resolution.” When describing friendships, Cherry’s opinion is that cancelling is a transactional process that is not suited for close relationships, which should be reciprocal. I want to mull over this take more with others, as I get a bit wary of these arguments—call me traumatized by the insufferable discourse around books like Conflict is Not Abuse and We Will Not Cancel Us. At the same time, I do have a former bestie who I think I owe an explanation for why I became distant. While this was a solely private situation rather than a public “cancelling”, Cherry’s thoughts are already helpful re: how I might craft an apology.

👩🏾‍🔧💘Headed home: self-forgiveness and radical repair
We go through all these broad definitions and specific case studies of forgiveness to wind up at a place that is difficult for all: self-forgiveness. Cherry’s main points here are that while guilt can be a motivating force in our lives, shame is an immobilizing one—so self-forgiveness with the intent to release shame can be important. She’s incredibly careful to note that we shouldn’t over-forgive ourselves for things that only the people we’ve harmed can forgive. She also explains that remorse is often useful in atonement, but encourages us to not let it into self-flagellation.

Another important topic in the final chapter is that of radical repair. By Cherry’s definition, forgiveness is SUPPOSED to get us closer to this, an actual overhaul of the root of what went wrong, so it won’t happen again. She uses a lot of car metaphors to show that radical repair is customized, costly, time-consuming, and often a team project. What’s more, even the best mechanic can’t fix every car! Some things can’t be repaired at all, or can’t regain their original state—and that’s okay. Many times, a reconstructed relationship can be more durable, authentic, and affirming than the one that came before!!!

🤔💭 Final thoughts (what I wanted, where I’m headed, etc.)
The audiobook narration is solid, but I really want to do a closer read of the physical book, likely with a book club and/or buddy reader. This topic just deserves so much more attention, and I want to really let some of these concepts sink into my brain!!!

At the same time, this book isn’t the end-all be-all. The author seems to be a DEI consultant of sorts, and as you’d imagine, it’s hard to talk about radical repair with such a limited context for systems of oppression. I really wish this book would’ve been written by someone like Da’Shaun L. Harrison, who has such a helpful grasp on how Christian moral logics undergird the oppression we experience. My favorite piece of theirs is this article written in defense of Satan as God’s abandoned child. When I first heard them describe this piece, it immediately helped me understand my entire life. Like YES, the Christian concept of God really is an abusive father that we never ever question, lest we be sent to hell!!!! So OF COURSE we’re down here on Earth having shitty relations with our actual fathers!!! I have goosebumps thinking about how good it would be for someone like Da’Shaun to deconstruct the “commandment of forgiveness” as it’s been brainwashed into us by the church. Like the version of this book written by someone who is a fellow Paul hater, and maybe also a God hater?!? What a dream. 😭

This is a niche interest, but I also wanted more on how we conceptualize forgiveness and debt. Especially nowadays, this topic of what we “owe” to other people is so fraught. As a reader (and person?), I’m just always going to be interested in examinations of debt’s role in our society, whether that’s in heist novels like The Payback by Kashauna Cauley, or manifestos like Can't Pay, Won't Pay: The Case for Economic Disobedience and Debt Abolition. The latter book explained how the “disciplinary function of debt” keeps many people and politicians from taking actions that would be more socially just, but would place them at risk with their creditors, something I think about all the time. I also recently read The Banks We Deserve by Oscar Perry Abello, which left me thinking about if it’s possible for lending to be reclaimed for more just ends. I would’ve loved a chapter in The Failures of Forgiveness that looked at the moral function of debt when it comes to forgiveness, as this might have helped me consider how to draw the line between forgiveness being punitive and upholding accountability.

So, while this book didn’t get me all the way to where I want on this topic, it’s absolutely an important contribution!!! I’m thankful for Myisha Cherry pulling this all together, and am excited to discuss it with more people in the future. In the meantime, I would welcome any and all recommendations for similar work, and will plan to explore Debt: The First 5,000 Years by David Graeber and Repair: The Impulse to Restore in a Fragile World by Elizabeth Spelman.

[Gabrielle Jarrett · Rating 4 out of 5]

"I cannot promise you that self-forgiveness will make regret less painful. But I believe it can help make it less destructive, allowing you to live with yourself and the past, despite the pain. This is what repair is all about."

While taking longer to read, I value Myisha Cherry's book on forgiveness. She presents a very in depth study of current and old wounds given and received and how forgiveness can make us and out society heal and better ourselves through radical repair. She greatly expands our understanding of offenders, victims, and forgiveness. Forgiveness is not simple. In addition, it is unique to each individual and society as to the process, in attempting not to re-victimize and overburden the victim. She points out relying on the Christian tradition of the demand to forgive often does not take into account the victim's needs as well as the perpetrator's. Cherry offers a philosophy of forgiveness which is well worth the time reading. Self forgiveness is the last topic explored and very useful.

[Cathy · Rating 3 out of 5]

A little bit too much. Not enough about the spiritual aspect. Impossible to truly forgive without the love and power of Jesus. Few have Him as the center of their lives. Even then, it doesn’t always come easily.

Forgiving self is not scriptural. But it is true that we don’t have to forget when we forgive. And at times the person that has wronged us needs to ask for our forgiveness. This is a complicated subject that can restore. And at times it will make no difference, or it will make all the difference. CathyR

[Ray Mathew-Santhosham · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wowowow I'm gonna need to revisit this more often. Super insightful critique of cancel culture! Plus it provided me more expansive ways to go about forgiveness in my personal relationships that exists on somewhat of a sliding scale.

[Maher Razouk · Rating 1 out of 5]

this book should been an article. you don't need a whole book to explain this idea. the introduction is enough

[Mary Anne]

4.5 STARS

How this book ended up on my TBR: Anne Helen Petersen interviewed Cherry this time last year, and the topic piqued my interest. This book was not available at my two libraries connected to Libby. I joined a third library in another area (ha) and this became immediately available!

I liked both the idea behind the book and its execution. Cherry's focus is on societal expectations of forgiveness and how those expectations can be limiting at best, if not outright harmful. She does this by analyzing recent events, starting with the aftermath of the mass shooting at Emanuel A.M.E. Church in Charleston, South Carolina. She also uses the Truth and Reconciliation Commission in post-apartheid South Africa as a case study, doing a pretty extensive analysis of useful and unhelpful practices. I like that she also provides her own example by talking about her forgiveness of her stepfather.

I really like Cherry's argument that our expectations for forgiveness often miss the mark, and we need to analyze the context to see what would be best for all involved, especially the victims. Rushing people to forgive when they are not ready to forgive is unethical at best and disrespects their valid feelings. She uses as an example a young boy who a white woman accused of touching her inappropriately in a store. Video footage of the event showed that the woman was wrong, and she apologized on television. They asked the boy if he forgave the woman, and he said no, because he was not yet ready to forgive. Similarly, she talks about how her stepfather brought a woman into the house when his wife (the author's mom) was dying in the hospital. He did apologize, and several family members have accepted his apology and are putting pressure on Cherry to forgive him. She mentions that she has actually forgiven him, but that she doesn't really want to interact with him ever again. What does forgiveness have to look like, and is it ever appropriate to require forgiveness "for the greater good?" Cherry's answer to the last question is absolutely not. Requiring forgiveness promotes a very harmful environment where social justice cannot happen, bad behavior is not addressed or discouraged, and victims can never be anything but victims.

I thought the book was very well-written. I listened to the audiobook version, and Tracey Conyer Lee narrated the audiobook. I thought she overall did a fantastic job. I very much recommend this book to pretty much anyone, especially those who have felt shamed for not forgiving and/or who want to keep their own communication ethical and mindful.

--

PS. If you all ever go to The StoryGraph, let's be friends there! Here's my profile.

[Michael Godwin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Failures of Forgiveness: What We Get Wrong and How to Do Better is a thoughtful, provocative, and deeply relevant examination of one of the most widely misunderstood concepts in human relationships and public life. Myisha Cherry challenges conventional assumptions about forgiveness and offers a more nuanced and responsible way to think about wrongdoing, healing, accountability, and reconciliation.

One of the book's greatest strengths is its willingness to question the popular belief that forgiveness necessarily requires letting go of anger or negative emotions. Cherry demonstrates that forgiveness is not a magical solution to suffering and that people can forgive while still remaining angry, critical, and committed to confronting injustice.

The book's exploration of forgiveness and racial injustice is particularly powerful. Inspired in part by the response to the forgiveness offered by relatives of victims of the Emanuel A.M.E. Church shooting, Cherry examines the danger of celebrating forgiveness while failing to confront the hatred and systems that produced the harm in the first place.

The concept of "radical repair" provides an especially meaningful framework for the book's central argument. Cherry shows that forgiveness without accountability or attention to the roots of wrongdoing may leave deeper problems unresolved.

The book also offers valuable discussions of forgiveness in families, friendships, workplaces, media, politics, and other areas of everyday life. Its examination of canceling versus forgiving and the complexities of self-forgiveness adds further depth to the discussion.

Another important strength is Cherry's insistence that the burden of forgiveness should not automatically fall upon those who have been wronged. By giving readers permission to question whether, when, and how forgiveness should take place, the book offers a more humane approach to healing and personal agency.

Failures of Forgiveness: What We Get Wrong and How to Do Better will appeal to readers interested in philosophy, psychology, ethics, race, social justice, relationships, mental health, spirituality, and the complexities of forgiveness and reconciliation.

Overall, Myisha Cherry presents a powerful and intellectually engaging work that challenges simplistic ideas about forgiveness while offering a more thoughtful path toward accountability, healing, and genuine repair.

[The Bibliophile Doctor · Rating 4 out of 5]

Forgiveness is such a sensitive subject for the whole mankind. Every religion teaches us the importance of forgiveness. Every religion asks us to forgive the wrongdoings of an offender.

"We should rethink how we should respond to wrongdoing, we all navigate the complicated paths of relationships, emotions, conflicts, tough conversations and solidarity.

Many of us have been victimized by those who have vowed to never hurt us."

Intermingled with some real life stories, some from her own life and even from some movies like Coco as an example and from the whole tone of the book, it is quite obvious how compassionate the author feels towards forgiveness. I agree with most of the points she made and how she says what we can achieve by being forgiving, like either aiming for relief, release or reconciliation. There will always be an ongoing debate as to forgive or not especially in matters which make forgiving difficult, but forgiving your offender can be a good moral practice to move on in your life.

This is a very detailed book and touches many aspects of our daily life with struggles to forgiveness & forgetting and that's what makes this one an important book.

Myisha cherry started exploring forgiveness after some relatives of the victims of the mass shooting at Emmanuel A.M.E. church, Charleston, South Carolina forgave the offender for what seemed unforgivable. She even argues that forgiving without getting to the root of the problem can actually be hazardous for the society.

Reading this book, we learn about forgiveness in a new light , a new way to tackle the wrongdoings in our life which can open paths to radical repair and true healing and can set us towards reconciliation with our past.

Audiobook feedback: it was pleasant experience to listen to the audiobook narrated by Tracey Conyer Lee. Overall enjoyed listening to her.

Thank you Netgalley and RB media for providing me with audiobook ARC in exchange of an honest review.

[David · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.40 stars. Philosopher encouraging us to expand our thinking about forgiveness (e.g., consider the possibility that forgiving someone need not entail reconciling, nor letting go of anger) and to shape/improve our behavior in this vein (ex. quit pressuring people to forgive us or others quickly and then stop talking about the transgression, even if no actual atonement or reparation has happened).

Mixes personal anecdote (e.g, forgiving, but no longer speaking to, stepfather who cheated on her dying mother), history (chapter on truth and reconciliation commission in S. Africa), and general culture (something about Formula 1 racing that got by me; an episode of the Office in which Dwight demanded signed notes of forgiveness from all co-workers) along with a robust dose of close verbal analysis and categorization typical of philosophy courses I took BITD (see Table 3.1 for a chart breaking down the differences among "predictive inquiries," "introspective inquiries," "pleas," "invitations" [to forgive] etc.).

All told, I'd say this might work better for readers who are currently and seriously struggling with whether/how to forgive someone. As just something to read, it's intermittently interesting and always impressive, but kind of dense/heavy. I mean I know in a general way there's something off about bugging someone whose family member was murdered yesterday about whether they can "find it in their hearts" to forgive, but whether you want to read a long elaboration on such conclusions with extensive nuance and qualification and definition of terms.........may depend on mood.

[Tamela Gordon · Rating 5 out of 5]

How does we hold space for people who aren’t willing to forgive? What does forgiveness look like for communities that were not offered restorative resolution? When does it become toxic to expect forgiveness? Real questions that are interrogated in “Failures for Forgiveness.”

Well-cited work that’s academic worthy, but readable enough to be accessible for the round-the-way girls. Examples cover pop culture, politics, and legal rulings, all which reflect a nuance in forgiveness that often goes overlooked and invalidated.

The South African apartheid, Joanne the Scammer, and “The Office” are among the spectrum of examples that examines what forgiveness looks like in communities that range workplace, family, and general societal relations.

A must read for social justice spaces and anyone who identifies as an ally for a group of marginalized people.

[Adrienne · Rating 3 out of 5]

While questioning our notions of forgiveness and its definition, Cherry does not actually define it. However, she very ably tells us what it is not, and what it does and does not achieve and why we have faulty notions about its power. Most powerful to me was that forgiveness does not mean the absence of anger, nor is it about "letting go," but is more complex. The connections with the TRC in South Africa and the Catholic Church are important here. Less interesting was workplace forgiveness and a discussion of cancel culture. But a lot of good stuff here.

[Abigail · Rating 4 out of 5]

A modern work of philosophy focusing on our conceptions (and misconceptions) around forgiveness. This reads like a primer for understanding how forgiveness can be and has been misunderstood, manipulated, and misused by both well-intentioned and ill-intentioned people. Cherry looks at the political uses of forgiveness, including a stunning example of hope and caution in the story of the Truth and Reconciliation Commission in South Africa. I’ve personally been thinking a lot about forgiveness in the context of my own abuse as I work through the messaging I’ve received as a victim about the necessity of forgiveness. This book solidified some vague feelings I have about how the evangelical church uses the idea of forgiveness as a bludgeon to keep victims in line. Definitely philosophical writing in that it explores ideas already held with a rhetorical and logical rigor. So if you’re looking for new information or psychological information about forgiveness, this is not the book. However, if you’re looking for an exploration of cultural values, I recommend this book as a start.

[Amanda · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was an interesting read about forgiveness. The author covers many aspects, and helped me think about when to forgive, and my intentions of how I should react when needing to forgive or expectations when asking for forgiveness. She gave a lot of great real world examples in her explanations of varying topics.

[Kirsten Eckert · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think this is an important book for all to read. It takes into account history and current events. She gives different ways of looking at how forgiveness works, what it is comprised of, and how to actually live it. She reminds us that there is no perfect forgiveness; we are human.

And the chapter on self forgiveness is a must–read.

[Akrive · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you grew up in a culture where forgiveness is considered the best and only possible outcome, read this. My entire life and especially as a girl/woman, I was expected to forgive bad behaviour (especially from men) and move on. No reparations, no promise from them to change behaviour. This book helped me understand why I always felt it wrong despite being told it was right.

[Autumn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Because of the topical nature of the chapters, I found that some areas didn't resonate as much as others. BUT this is an incredibly good book that rethinks the whole idea of forgiveness to accommodate more than the method we were taught in grade school.

[Megan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm obsessed with her methodology and writing style! if she can make me understand philosophy, she's clearly beyond excellent in her field :)

[Katherine Elizabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must read - excellent!