How to Grieve What We've Lost: Evidence-Based Skills to Process Grief and Reconnect with What Matters

by Russ Harris

Grief is a journey that can lead to powerful, personal growth. This compassionate guide, written by a team of mental health and grief experts, will help you heal the pain of loss—no matter the cause—and move forward in life with a renewed sense of meaning and purpose. Grief comes in many forms. You may grieve a loved one who has passed on, a romantic relationship which has ended, the loss of a job you loved, or even a place you used to go that no longer exists or has changed. You may also be dealing with another kind of loss—a sense of who you are and how you can live your life in an increasingly uncertain and changed world. But what if you could transform your grief into lasting positive growth? Filled with the most effective therapeutic tools drawn from acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), mindfulness, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), and more, How to Grieve What We’ve Lost will help you heal from the pain of loss, move forward, and reconnect with what truly matters to you right now. You’ll find strategies for immediate relief—including present-moment awareness and mindful breathing. You’ll learn how to create a safe sanctuary for your grief, so you can honor your feelings and give them the space they deserve. And you’ll discover ways to create a support network, give voice to your sorrow, and share your humanity with others. This heartfelt guide also includes simple tools to help   Whether you are struggling with your own loss or a collective sense of grief, the evidence-based skills in this book will help you mourn in healthy and resilient ways—leading to profound personal growth and a renewed sense of meaning and purpose in life.

Genres: Self Help, Psychology, Grief, Nonfiction

150 pages, Paperback

Published October 18, 2024

About the author

Dr Russ Harris is a medically-qualified doctor, stress consultant, executive coach, trainer, author, and a leading authority in the powerful new paradigm of Psychological Flexibility. (This is a revolutionary new development in human psychology that enhances performance, reduces stress, and improves health and wellbeing.) Dr Russ regularly presents workshops on Psychological Flexibility at both national and international psychology conferences, and has a thriving business traveling around Australia running training seminars for psychologists, coaches and a variety of health professionals.

Dr Russ's first book, 'The Happiness Trap', was published in Australia in March 2007, and is already well on the way to becoming a bestseller. (The title reflects a key theme in the book - that popular ideas about happiness are misleading, inaccurate, and actually make us miserable in the long term.) He is currently completing his second book 'From Fear To Fulfilment' - which is also the title of his most popular talk.

Back in the early nineties, when Russ was a GP in Melbourne, he moonlighted as a stand-up comedian, and as well as appearing regularly on the Melbourne comedy circuit, he featured on TV shows such as Tonight Live with Steve Vizard, and The Mid-Day Show with Ray Martin. As a result of this experience, his talks are fast-paced, engaging and humorous - as well as being action-packed with information, tools, and techniques for reducing stress, enhancing performance, and increasing vitality.

Reviews

[Alan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very much a set of scattered tools in a scattered toolbox. Everything is very useful and I'm sure it will be of use to those needing to process grief, but missing some of the philosophical, narrative, and spiritual core that comes with a lot of grief processing.

[Katrina Sark · Rating 4 out of 5]

Anchor Activities, by Mary Meth Williams and Soili Poijula

p.27 – Are you struggling with triggers, dreams, nightmares, or intrusive thoughts in the wake of a loss or a stressful time of life? One way to gain some control over these internal phenomena is to use an anchor. Rothchild describes an anchor as “a concrete, observable resource,” or one that is outside your own mind (2000:91). That resource may be a beloved person or pet, a place (like your home), an object, or an activity. It helps you feel relief and well-being in your body; thinking about it can serve as a braking tool for a trigger or intrusive thought, without changing reality. Your sanctuary is another anchor that can provide protection for you.

p.28 – What to do: Next time you’re triggered by something, try to take a few deep breaths. Use your anchor to focus your attention. This isn’t about distraction, but rather maintaining a present focus on what’s in front of you.

Distress About Distress, by Sameet M. Kumar

p.29 – Guilt, sadness, anger, and anxiety: these feelings about feelings are what psychologists call secondary emotional processes.

Emotion Surfing, by Alexandra Kennedy

p.31 – Grief transforms us. It peels aways masks, breaks the mind’s habits, slows us down, takes us deep inside ourselves, rearranges our insides, churns up unresolved issues, and brings everything into question.

p.32 – Feelings like grief can come in waves, arising out of our depths and bowling us over with their intensity. There are also periods of calm, even peace, in our lives after grief. Conflicting feelings can arise simultaneously.

Emotion surfing – the skill of riding the waves of emotion as they come, letting them arise and pass, as all waves do.
When you are feeling something particularly intense, take a few belly breaths, and take a moment to consider how your body is feeling. Is it tense? Sore? Anxious to move? Describe any sensation you’re experiencing to yourself.

p.33 – Imagine your feelings, and the thoughts and urges they compel, just being there. Imagine they’re a wave, and you’re the rider, moving with them as they pass. Inevitably, they will.
Now return to your breath. Feel your chest expand and contract with each breath. Count ten breaths. One on the inhale, two on the exhale.

Loss Is a Teacher, by Sameet M. Kumar

p.97 – your capacity to grieve and your capacity to love are interconnected.
Grieving mindfully can therefore be an affirmation of life and of love. This is the challenge: to experience grief, hardship, and difficulty not as something shameful, impossible, punishing, or toxic, but as an opportunity to learn priceless life lessons.

Reconstruct Your Future Self, by Sameet M. Kumar

p.100 – finding meaning in your pain involves asking yourself who you want to be as a result of your grief.

Take a moment to imagine three specific things you want to do in the next year. Write them down somewhere that you can easily find them.

p.101 – Your future is uncertain. However, grief provides a valuable opportunity to reorient yourself in the manner you see fit.

Handling Anger and Rage, by Mary Beth Williams and Soili Poijula

p.117 – Experts say that anger may not lift until you learn to take specific actions to protect yourself. Sometimes, anger manifests as an expression of an entirely different emotion.
Reflect on what message is your anger or frustration sending? What am I trying to protect or restore?

Simple Communication Techniques, by Mary Beth Williams and Soili Poijula

p.123 – Active listening – When you listen actively, you listen with openness, as you try to see the other person’s point of view. You listen with empathy, as you try to understand the other person’s emotional state or feelings. And you listen with awareness, as you try to be aware of how what the person says fits with your known facts. As you listen, keep eye contact, maintain safe physical boundaries, and ask questions if you need to do so. Active listening also involves paraphrasing. When you paraphrase what another person says to you, you restate what you understand the other person’s comment to mean. You do not just echo what the other person said but ask a question through which you test your understanding. For example, “If I hear you correctly, you’re saying that you really don’t want to go to the party tomorrow night because your ex-wife may be there. Am I right?”

[jennifer]

I liked this: covers a lot of ground and distills it into simple, practical and accessible ideas/activities.