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Failure to Communicate: How Conversations Go Wrong and What You Can Do to Right Them
Your stomach's churning; you're hyperventilating - you're in a badly deteriorating conversation at work. Such exchanges, which run the gamut from firing subordinates to parrying verbal attacks from colleagues, are so loaded with anger, confusion, and fear that most people handle them They avoid them, clamp down, or give in.
But dodging issues, appeasing difficult people, and mishandling tough encounters all carry a high price for managers and companies - in the form of damaged relationships, ruined careers, and intensified problems.
In Failure to Communicate, Holly Weeks shows how to master the combat mentality, emotional maelstrom, and confusion that poison difficult conversations. Drawing on her many years as a consultant and coach to leaders and executives, the author why we turn to ineffective tactics when the heat is on; how to avoid the worst pitfalls of difficult conversations, and how to pull yourself out if you fall in; ways to regain your balance and inject respect into stressful conversations, even when you've been confronted, infuriated, or wronged; strategies for mitigating aggression and defensiveness and for clearing the fog of misconceptions; and how to get through the hardest conversations with your reputation and relationships intact.
But dodging issues, appeasing difficult people, and mishandling tough encounters all carry a high price for managers and companies - in the form of damaged relationships, ruined careers, and intensified problems.
In Failure to Communicate, Holly Weeks shows how to master the combat mentality, emotional maelstrom, and confusion that poison difficult conversations. Drawing on her many years as a consultant and coach to leaders and executives, the author why we turn to ineffective tactics when the heat is on; how to avoid the worst pitfalls of difficult conversations, and how to pull yourself out if you fall in; ways to regain your balance and inject respect into stressful conversations, even when you've been confronted, infuriated, or wronged; strategies for mitigating aggression and defensiveness and for clearing the fog of misconceptions; and how to get through the hardest conversations with your reputation and relationships intact.
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First published September 15, 2008
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Displaying 1 - 15 of 15 reviews
August 14, 2017
I would rate this book between a 3 and a 4. The writing gets bogged down at times, but the content is actually useful. Many books for business and for communication are not as practical as this book is, and I am grateful that the book is more about the solution than the problem.
March 18, 2019
I thought Ms. Week's framework for thinking through tough conversations was easy to grasp and likely very effective. The specific examples of conversations that went wrong were very helpful in illustrating her points and seeing the framework in action (or where using the framework might have avoided disastrous consequences). I do not believe that the framework applies to all situations: sometimes tough conversations are going to be tough no matter how you approach them. Likewise, there are many situations where the conversation is all about who has the power - and those who have the power may not care about approaching the situation with mutual respect. Nevertheless, Ms. Weeks has given us a very useful way to think through potentially tough conversations and how we can recover when we screw things up, as many of us are bound to do from time to time.
July 29, 2020
Good practical tips for tough work conversations, before, during and after.
October 30, 2022
Started reading it, then went diagonally, then just jumping to the end of each chapter, then DNF. Rather useless
April 30, 2023
Examples are not very compelling. And unfortunately, the book seemed very focused on detailing the examples instead of bringing them together into a coherent whole.
September 17, 2012
Good advice. Just.. not very much of it. This review isn't going to be mostly praise, though it is certainly not a bad book!
I don’t think this book was for me. 3 stars is based on it’s own merit. I would give it 2 stars for myself because it was not as packed full of information as I expected.
My main issue with the book is that it can be fairly wordy when explaining concepts; Rephrasing the same idea often without elaboration being the result. Simply a restatement. It takes a while to get to what skills to apply to certain situations.
The author talks about the strategies needed to communicate more clearly but spends most of the time talking about the philosophy and concepts to understand patterns on conversation while giving many many examples. These examples (while helpful, I’m sure) go into great..great detail about what has happened and even the personalities of the characters. About 70% of the way through, even though the author was giving finally solutions, I found it very hard to stay engaged. The filler phrase “we need skills/tactics to” became a bit much.
This would be great for someone that feels they are very lacking in social skills in business situations and trying to understand why things aren’t working for them. This book is also good for gauging what possible situations could occur in the workplace. For those who do not see conversations as “win-lose”, there are about 3 chapters that will seem extremely common sense. If you see conversations that way, please read this book!
I disagree with one suggestion in the book: “Put myself in your shoes”. To make a guess at what you would be feeling in that person’s shoes, tell them, then ask “am I right?” Surely, it’s easier to skip the assumptions and just ask them what they are thinking and feeling in the situation.
The “Tactics for thwarting ploys”/“What to do” section was dismally short in my opinion.
This book is okay. I don’t feel that I learned very much besides what basics to brush up on and the analogy of seeing moving through hard conversations as parkour and taking a satellite view; things mentioned in the beginning of the book. That may be because of the general skills I have already learned over time. Instead, I highly recommend "Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Really Matters" (which was mentioned in the book itself) for straightforward tips to use in interpersonal relationships. I adore that book and haven’t even finished it yet!
If you want mostly concept, this book is for you. If you want to dive right into learning skills like “this is the phrase to use when in this certain situation”, then you may want to just skip to Difficult Conversations instead.
I don’t think this book was for me. 3 stars is based on it’s own merit. I would give it 2 stars for myself because it was not as packed full of information as I expected.
My main issue with the book is that it can be fairly wordy when explaining concepts; Rephrasing the same idea often without elaboration being the result. Simply a restatement. It takes a while to get to what skills to apply to certain situations.
The author talks about the strategies needed to communicate more clearly but spends most of the time talking about the philosophy and concepts to understand patterns on conversation while giving many many examples. These examples (while helpful, I’m sure) go into great..great detail about what has happened and even the personalities of the characters. About 70% of the way through, even though the author was giving finally solutions, I found it very hard to stay engaged. The filler phrase “we need skills/tactics to” became a bit much.
This would be great for someone that feels they are very lacking in social skills in business situations and trying to understand why things aren’t working for them. This book is also good for gauging what possible situations could occur in the workplace. For those who do not see conversations as “win-lose”, there are about 3 chapters that will seem extremely common sense. If you see conversations that way, please read this book!
I disagree with one suggestion in the book: “Put myself in your shoes”. To make a guess at what you would be feeling in that person’s shoes, tell them, then ask “am I right?” Surely, it’s easier to skip the assumptions and just ask them what they are thinking and feeling in the situation.
The “Tactics for thwarting ploys”/“What to do” section was dismally short in my opinion.
This book is okay. I don’t feel that I learned very much besides what basics to brush up on and the analogy of seeing moving through hard conversations as parkour and taking a satellite view; things mentioned in the beginning of the book. That may be because of the general skills I have already learned over time. Instead, I highly recommend "Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Really Matters" (which was mentioned in the book itself) for straightforward tips to use in interpersonal relationships. I adore that book and haven’t even finished it yet!
If you want mostly concept, this book is for you. If you want to dive right into learning skills like “this is the phrase to use when in this certain situation”, then you may want to just skip to Difficult Conversations instead.
January 13, 2011
The main idea I got from this is to maintain balance, or self respect, even when people are throwing you off through the way they are talking. And to take a long view of how the conversation is going. I didn't like the parkour analogy which just repeated itself without becoming any better or revealing any new facet. I did like that the book focused specifically on business situations / examples.
January 11, 2013
The book offered nice stories of how conversations can go wrong and reading it gave me opportunity to think about my own communication style. However, it does not offer much insight on how to handle potential crisis. General guidance is fine but not very practical. On the othere hand, it is possible that there is no manual for difficult communication because there are simply too many possibilities and my expectations were just too high.
June 13, 2013
I am getting the impression that I already knew the dynamics of a failing way to communicate whilst I am in the middle of communicating but this book highlights where it can go wrong and what people can do to harmonize when in the midst of some difficult communications.
July 16, 2010
useful info. now to actually be able to use it.
March 28, 2011
Practical, applicable advice for keeping tough conversations from going completely, horribly wrong.
Want to read
September 3, 2011NNLM - Caring for your mind (mental health) class - Summer 2011 - This book was mentioned.
May 10, 2013
Almost the same structure as in Difficult Conversations.
March 25, 2014
A good book with some nice techniques to use ... I liked the idea of many examples of revisiting situations and fixing them.
It was a very easy read ... took me few weeks to get it done.
It was a very easy read ... took me few weeks to get it done.
February 25, 2022
I should have read this years ago
Really a must read to anyone in a corporate environment. Helped me tremendously to improve my dealings with certain individuals
Really a must read to anyone in a corporate environment. Helped me tremendously to improve my dealings with certain individuals
Displaying 1 - 15 of 15 reviews