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Communicate Better with Everyone: HBR Working Parents Series
Talk to your toddler, your teen, your caregiver, your boss, your partner, yourself
There are days in every working parent's life when it feels like you're screaming into the wind. The days when you have to ask your childless boss if you can leave work early - again - for a kid issue. The days your kid tearfully asks why you have to get on an airplane for work when you just got home. The days you simmer with resentment because you can't find the right words to have a productive conversation with your partner about the division of labor at home. The days you tell yourself you're failing everyone-including yourself.
Each of us has days where we struggle to communicate effectively at home and at work. But we can have fewer days like that and more productive conversations. We can listen and be heard. In Communicate Better with Everyone, experts provide answers to the challenges you face as a working parent, from negotiating your schedule and workload with your boss to connecting with your teen without nagging or lecturing to talking to yourself with more compassion. You'll learn conduct more productive conversations; set boundaries and stick to them; ask better questions; see issues from the other person's perspective; and navigate difficult issues.
There are days in every working parent's life when it feels like you're screaming into the wind. The days when you have to ask your childless boss if you can leave work early - again - for a kid issue. The days your kid tearfully asks why you have to get on an airplane for work when you just got home. The days you simmer with resentment because you can't find the right words to have a productive conversation with your partner about the division of labor at home. The days you tell yourself you're failing everyone-including yourself.
Each of us has days where we struggle to communicate effectively at home and at work. But we can have fewer days like that and more productive conversations. We can listen and be heard. In Communicate Better with Everyone, experts provide answers to the challenges you face as a working parent, from negotiating your schedule and workload with your boss to connecting with your teen without nagging or lecturing to talking to yourself with more compassion. You'll learn conduct more productive conversations; set boundaries and stick to them; ask better questions; see issues from the other person's perspective; and navigate difficult issues.
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First published June 8, 2021
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Displaying 1 - 8 of 8 reviews
March 6, 2021
This book is trying to teach us how to find the right words to have a productive conversation with everybody. I like the passage with the alternatives to the word 'No'.
March 21, 2021
Short business book focused on quality communication. While there were articles shaded to parents, it had generally good communication tips. It also avoided one issue I often have with business books where the main points can be summarized in just a few pages surrounded by page after page of filler. In this case, the book was lots of short articles from a larger number of contributors, therefore giving lots of good advice from many different perspectives. Worth a read.
October 16, 2023
helpful in terms of communication and other topics.
September 12, 2021
The book is a compilation of 16 articles from HBR on the topic of conversations. The articles cover how to listen and be heard, how to set boundaries, stick to them and say no, how to listen when your comm styles don’t match, how to deal with difficult conversation, tough discussions at work, how to handle and communicate time off work for mental health reasons or due to family issue, tough discussions with your family, how to negotiate with your kids, help your partner to cope with work stress, what to tell your kids about finding a career, positive self-talk and make peace with your inner critic. Most of the articles cover entirely or include parts on kids handling. The most important points for me came from the first articles covering work:
Set and maintain boundaries in a conversation:
Have an agreement upfront. Set the terms and objectives ahead of time (you can have the car but you have to be back by 10pm). Remind of the agreement and be firm.
Mention your credentials/ expertise brings power to the table (I worked with 20 CEOs in similar situations and I know I can help you; you reached the correct department to resolve your problem and we have reputation for being the best. So if you follow my instructions you will be back online in a giphy).
Ask lots of clarifying questions before committing. The answers will help you decide what to do when your boundaries are challenged. Keep your questions open ended so you can gather more information without being perceived as negative (let’s talk a little more about the project, you said it has strategic importance, do you have some ideas of the outcomes you want? Let’s come up with some options for your team, meeting your goals this year).
Try not to use the word no. The key is to not say no directly. This skill is useful for setting boundaries while maintaining the relationship (my team and I would be very happy to work on your important project but we are unable to start for 6 months. I’m sorry, I just won’t be able to make that Friday deadline but let’s talk what we can do now.). When you say no indirectly, offering alternatives maintains the relationship and eases the negative blow. Alternatives give the people you are saying no to a greater sense of control - you are not denying them everything and you are sending a strong message you still want to work with them. Don’t offer a parade of becauses when you say no. Over-explaining will not help you to agree to a boundary. Too much of information can lead to too much discussion and it erodes your position (don’t say: I can’t work next Saturday because I’m going to my grandson first bday party. Instead say: I have an important family obligation I just can’t change. And stick to it).
After a crisis, reset the agreement - emergencies occur. You will drop everything to bring your kid to emergency and work extra hours to ensure the project is delivered on time. But you need to restart your agreement when the emergency is over. If you had a strong boundary agreement in a first place, it would be much easier to reestablish it. If you can - allude to the agreement while responding to the emergency and always give the important news in the first sentence (I’m not gonna be able to make the presentation this afternoon. I’m on my way to the emergency with my kid. When she is stabilized I will call and see what I can do to reschedule.). With any interruption in your boundary agreement, you will need to reset the agreement to move forward (yes, I’ll drop everything and fly to meet the big client and resolve their problem but let’s agree that I will be back to my current responsibilities and managing my current team once I’m back next month. Or yes, while you are staying at grandma’s you can watch TV longer but grandma has her rules in her house and ours in our.). The harder you push, the more resistance you get. Being persuasive not pushy will help you set boundaries in a collaborative way.
There are two type of communicators: explainers and ventors. If you have to deal with somebody who vents or screams. Let them blow out and look at them in the left eye, which is connected to the emotional part of their brain. And after they are done you can say: “I see you are really frustrated and to ensure I don’t add to that and to make sure I don’t miss something, what is the most important thing I need to do in the long term. What is the critical thing I need to do in short term and what ASAP?” And after they are done say “What you said is much important to me to have misunderstood a word so I’m going to say it back to you to make sure that I’m on the same page as you. So here is what I heard ...” and after you finish say: “Did I get that right? And if not, what did I miss?” Forcing them to listen what you said they said, because it was important, will slow them down and let you stay centered and in control. 3 questions to ask when somebody is venting:
1. What are you most frustrated about? Pick very emotionally charged words like never, screwed up, etc and say something like “Say more about never or screwed up” to help them release more of the built up pressure.
2. What are you most angry about? To really make them get off their chests the issues.
3. What are you really worried about? What is the main worry, the core of the emotional wound. Just listen and encourage them to tell you more about the worries.
Finish with: “Now I understand why are you so worried and angry about. But since we can’t turn back time, let’s put our heads together and see what are the options from here.”
Strategies to move conversation back on track:
1. Shift the relationship from opposition to partnership.
2. Reframe your purpose from convincing to learning.
3. Verbalize your intention - transparency helps facilitate productive conversation. Share your purpose and what you hope to achieve with your partner.
4. Avoid assumptions. Making assumptions limits our effectiveness because it prevents us from fully understanding the situation and narrows the solutions we consider.
5. Examine the other person’s perspective with openness and curiosity.
6. Acknowledge your part - demonstrates you are taking responsibility.
7. Learn your abcd - learn to avoid blame, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Defensiveness shows up when we deny responsibility for our own contribution to the difficult conversation. Stonewalling can take different forms, including passivity, avoiding a certain topic, refusal to participate in or contribute to a discussion or withholding relevant information. If you do any of those, refocus on what are you trying to achieve.
8. Seek input to problem solving. Feedback can be difficult to receive. We tend to reject information that threatens our identity. Instead of digging in what happened in the past, tell the person what you hope to learn and achieve and ask them for their suggestions.
By remaining accessible and staying in touch while you are on long sick leaves, helps your team to manage and signals you want to return. Maintaining contact with your boss can reduce the likelihood that you will be discounted in future decisions ans smooth your return to work. Prepare for reentry: when you return, do the things you would do when you are new to the organization. Talk to as many people as you can to get up to speed, reorient yourself to the organization, take the initiative to learn how your boss and colleagues understand your new role and what they might need from you.
Set and maintain boundaries in a conversation:
Have an agreement upfront. Set the terms and objectives ahead of time (you can have the car but you have to be back by 10pm). Remind of the agreement and be firm.
Mention your credentials/ expertise brings power to the table (I worked with 20 CEOs in similar situations and I know I can help you; you reached the correct department to resolve your problem and we have reputation for being the best. So if you follow my instructions you will be back online in a giphy).
Ask lots of clarifying questions before committing. The answers will help you decide what to do when your boundaries are challenged. Keep your questions open ended so you can gather more information without being perceived as negative (let’s talk a little more about the project, you said it has strategic importance, do you have some ideas of the outcomes you want? Let’s come up with some options for your team, meeting your goals this year).
Try not to use the word no. The key is to not say no directly. This skill is useful for setting boundaries while maintaining the relationship (my team and I would be very happy to work on your important project but we are unable to start for 6 months. I’m sorry, I just won’t be able to make that Friday deadline but let’s talk what we can do now.). When you say no indirectly, offering alternatives maintains the relationship and eases the negative blow. Alternatives give the people you are saying no to a greater sense of control - you are not denying them everything and you are sending a strong message you still want to work with them. Don’t offer a parade of becauses when you say no. Over-explaining will not help you to agree to a boundary. Too much of information can lead to too much discussion and it erodes your position (don’t say: I can’t work next Saturday because I’m going to my grandson first bday party. Instead say: I have an important family obligation I just can’t change. And stick to it).
After a crisis, reset the agreement - emergencies occur. You will drop everything to bring your kid to emergency and work extra hours to ensure the project is delivered on time. But you need to restart your agreement when the emergency is over. If you had a strong boundary agreement in a first place, it would be much easier to reestablish it. If you can - allude to the agreement while responding to the emergency and always give the important news in the first sentence (I’m not gonna be able to make the presentation this afternoon. I’m on my way to the emergency with my kid. When she is stabilized I will call and see what I can do to reschedule.). With any interruption in your boundary agreement, you will need to reset the agreement to move forward (yes, I’ll drop everything and fly to meet the big client and resolve their problem but let’s agree that I will be back to my current responsibilities and managing my current team once I’m back next month. Or yes, while you are staying at grandma’s you can watch TV longer but grandma has her rules in her house and ours in our.). The harder you push, the more resistance you get. Being persuasive not pushy will help you set boundaries in a collaborative way.
There are two type of communicators: explainers and ventors. If you have to deal with somebody who vents or screams. Let them blow out and look at them in the left eye, which is connected to the emotional part of their brain. And after they are done you can say: “I see you are really frustrated and to ensure I don’t add to that and to make sure I don’t miss something, what is the most important thing I need to do in the long term. What is the critical thing I need to do in short term and what ASAP?” And after they are done say “What you said is much important to me to have misunderstood a word so I’m going to say it back to you to make sure that I’m on the same page as you. So here is what I heard ...” and after you finish say: “Did I get that right? And if not, what did I miss?” Forcing them to listen what you said they said, because it was important, will slow them down and let you stay centered and in control. 3 questions to ask when somebody is venting:
1. What are you most frustrated about? Pick very emotionally charged words like never, screwed up, etc and say something like “Say more about never or screwed up” to help them release more of the built up pressure.
2. What are you most angry about? To really make them get off their chests the issues.
3. What are you really worried about? What is the main worry, the core of the emotional wound. Just listen and encourage them to tell you more about the worries.
Finish with: “Now I understand why are you so worried and angry about. But since we can’t turn back time, let’s put our heads together and see what are the options from here.”
Strategies to move conversation back on track:
1. Shift the relationship from opposition to partnership.
2. Reframe your purpose from convincing to learning.
3. Verbalize your intention - transparency helps facilitate productive conversation. Share your purpose and what you hope to achieve with your partner.
4. Avoid assumptions. Making assumptions limits our effectiveness because it prevents us from fully understanding the situation and narrows the solutions we consider.
5. Examine the other person’s perspective with openness and curiosity.
6. Acknowledge your part - demonstrates you are taking responsibility.
7. Learn your abcd - learn to avoid blame, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Defensiveness shows up when we deny responsibility for our own contribution to the difficult conversation. Stonewalling can take different forms, including passivity, avoiding a certain topic, refusal to participate in or contribute to a discussion or withholding relevant information. If you do any of those, refocus on what are you trying to achieve.
8. Seek input to problem solving. Feedback can be difficult to receive. We tend to reject information that threatens our identity. Instead of digging in what happened in the past, tell the person what you hope to learn and achieve and ask them for their suggestions.
By remaining accessible and staying in touch while you are on long sick leaves, helps your team to manage and signals you want to return. Maintaining contact with your boss can reduce the likelihood that you will be discounted in future decisions ans smooth your return to work. Prepare for reentry: when you return, do the things you would do when you are new to the organization. Talk to as many people as you can to get up to speed, reorient yourself to the organization, take the initiative to learn how your boss and colleagues understand your new role and what they might need from you.
January 28, 2024
Everything anybody should be aware of when communicating with others and themselves.
A collection of 16 articles about listening, being heard, surviving tough discussions and keeping your self-talk positive.
As normal, not all of the articles are equally good, but as final conclusion this book is absolutely worth reading.
A collection of 16 articles about listening, being heard, surviving tough discussions and keeping your self-talk positive.
As normal, not all of the articles are equally good, but as final conclusion this book is absolutely worth reading.
July 25, 2021
Borrowed as a audiobook. Great to listen to while driving and good reminders and practical tips for communication.
December 4, 2023
Very good review of communication skills with some very good advice on specific situations. I enjoyed the data reported in support of what the authors are saying.
July 24, 2024
Excellent set of essays for different situations. Lots of practical tips!
Displaying 1 - 8 of 8 reviews