Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers

by Deborah MacNamara

Based on the work of one of the world’s foremost child development experts, Rest, Play, Grow offers a road map to making sense of young children, and is what every toddler, preschooler, and kindergartner wishes we understood about them.

Foreword by Gordon Neufeld, PhD

Baffling and beloved, with the capacity to go from joy to frustration in seconds, young children are some of the most misunderstood people on the planet. Parents and caregivers struggle with these little ones, who are known for their extreme behaviour, from tantrums, resistance, and aggression to separation anxiety, bedtime protests, and not listening. The key to understanding youngsters lies in realizing that their challenging behaviour is not personal, nor is it a disorder or deficit.

Based on science and the relational developmental approach of renowned psychologist and bestselling author Gordon Neufeld, Rest, Play, Grow reveals how critical it is for adults to create the relational conditions to grow young children through a unique period in their lives. This is the story of how young children develop, from their intense need for attachment and the vital importance of play to discipline that preserves growth. Engagingly written, with compassion for its subjects and rich with stories from them and their parents, Rest, Play, Grow will forever change the way you think of the preschoolers in your life.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Psychology, Education, Childrens, Teaching, Self Help

Audible Audio

First published January 1, 2016

About the author

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is the author of the best selling book Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one), is on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute, and is the Director of Kid’s Best Bet, a Counselling and Family Resource Center. Her book Rest, Play, Grow has been translated into the Russian language with Italian, and German versions to follow.

Deborah is a dynamic teacher and experienced counsellor who makes developmental science come to life in the everyday context of home and classroom. She also provides counselling services to parents and professionals to make sense of learning, behavioural, and developmental issues in kids – from babies to teens.

Deborah travels nationally and internationally, speaking to child and adolescent development issues to groups including the United Nations and the Dalai Lama Center for Peace and Education. She regularly speaks to parents, educators, child care professionals, social workers, foster and adopt community, and health care professionals, sharing her insight and passion for making sense of kids. She is a developmentalist at heart who is continually fascinated by the mysteries and beauty inherent in human maturation.

Deborah completed a two-year post doctoral internship with Dr. Gordon Neufeld, is an award winning researcher, and has over 20 years experience as a teacher and counsellor working with leading institutions such as the University of British Columbia, Kwantlen Polytechnic University, the Canadian Mental Health Association, and the Vancouver School Board. Deborah regularly appears on radio and TV, her articles appear in parenting magazines, websites, and newsletters across Canada and internationally including Australia’s “Nurture-Natural Parenting Magazine” where she is a regular contributor. She resides in Vancouver British Columbia with her family and consciously works at creating an attachment village for her children to grow up in.

Reviews

[Desi A · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm going to try to avoid hyperbole here, but I think this book was transformative for me (and I hope will be for us as a family). We've been struggling as parents a lot lately and I could see the impact that was having on JP. We had been in a good place for a few years -- its not like parenting didn't have its challenges but we had a general framework to guide us and it generally worked. But as life got bus(ier) it slipped, and as JP got older, it just didn't hold anymore. There are things that we have felt, intuitively, to be true about how we should be parenting (we are non-punitive and try to hold to an understanding of what is developmentally appropriate; and we currently get a lot of shit from people because one of us lays in bed with him until he falls asleep, but we couldn't really articulate why it is that we do it that way right now). Anyway, this book successfully framed and explained the reasons behind those things we felt to be true and gave me a greater understanding of what is going on and why. This isn't a step-by-step guide to harmony in the home and it isn't "an action plan for exhausted parents at their wits end," but it helps you understand your child's brain and their fundamental needs at this stage of development.

"Rest" is really what most of the book is about and "rest" does not refer to making sure your kid gets enough sleep. It is about making sure your child is attached to you (and other primary caregivers) in the right way. (I'm stopping there because I can't explain it well -- Frank is going to read it now, and then I'm going to read it again).

This book was also important for me for what it taught me about my own childhood and my own relationships--particularly with my mom.

[Mallory · Rating 5 out of 5]

"It is more about what we see when we look at our child than it is about what we do. When we make sense of a child--when we start to understand the developmental reasons for their actions--their aggression can feel less personal, their opposition less provocative, and our focus can turn to creating the conditions that foster growth. The secret...lies not in what we do to our young children but in who we are to them."


Loved this. This book focuses on how a child develops psychologically and emotionally and outlines realistic expectations for behavior. It gives parents a better understanding and perspective on their preschooler so when their child is clingy, aggressive, tantruming, unreasonable, etc, they are more able to respond with love and guidance--instead of resorting to punishing, time outs, consequences, or other common, coercive correction methods. It has definitely helped me find extra patience with my girls, instead of getting annoyed or frustrated when I think they should "know better".

The book explains how most modern parenting advice is all about controlling behavior without addressing the root of the issue--emotions and the child-parent relationship. Oftentimes a child's "bad" behavior is simply a result of their immaturity. They are literally not capable of tempering their impulses. Other times, a child acts out because their attachment to their parent is weak. When this is the case, the parent needs to focus on strengthening their relationship with their child and not on 'setting them straight.'

The overall message of this book could probably be summed up by one of my favorite quotes: "Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved." -Thomas S Monson

[Dest · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really like the ideas in this book, but the writing style is not for me. Too academic and sprawling. I'm not sure I would recommend this to a parent struggling and looking for advice because it's kind of hard to get through. But I think it's a great book for early childhood professionals and for parents who have time and energy to take in and digest the big ideas. For the parent in distress, maybe Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting would work.

So, this is based on attachment parenting philosophy. I read the Dr. Sears attachment parenting book when I was pregnant and I'm mostly on board with it. It just makes sense to me intuitively that your main job as a parent is to love your child unconditionally and, on top of that, to make sure your child knows and feels that they are loved unconditionally.

Should you be angry at a child for acting like a child? Of course not. But does it happen? Uh, duh. So it seems like the whole point of this book is to get you to accept that your child will be immature until they are not. There's no point in trying to rush them through their natural development. Around the age of 5-7 most children will make a huge leap in development that will allow them to make better choices through reasoning and self-control. Until then, it's not exactly fair to expect preschoolers to conduct themselves like tiny adults.

There are parts of this book where Dr. MacNamara comes across as anti-learning in early childhood. She says "academics" are encroaching on play time much to the detriment of children. I agree and disagree at the same time. Early learning and play are both super important. Young children certainly do not benefit from worksheets or drills. At the same time, parents and early childhood educators can introduce literacy, science, and math concepts in fun and interesting ways. Preschoolers are naturally curious -- we can foster that curiosity and guide their learning while being mindful that they are not ready for formal instruction, tests, and the like.

[Joshua Glasgow · Rating 5 out of 5]

At the end of 2022, I saw a thing going around Facebook where you ask friends to recommend 12 books to you for 2023, the idea being that you read one a month and thereby are encouraged to read more (not that this is a problem I have). Despite some initial reluctance to participate, I went ahead and solicited suggestions at my wife’s urging and she promptly recommended REST, PLAY, GROW by Dr. Deborah MacNamara. She has been pushing me to read this book for some time and I have been resistant. It’s a book about the best way to interact with toddlers and I guess I was resistant because I was resentful at being told how to raise my child. I think that initial feeling of taking offense at being told that you may be doing things wrong is normal, though – as I went through the book, I read aloud some of what I felt were pertinent passages to Holly and she pushed back on the advice I was reading as I no doubt had when she read it.

The overall philosophy of the book feels like common-sense: children are immature—as in, they are not developed enough to be able to prevent themselves from lashing out physically when upset, or to appreciate limitations their parents set on them, or to think logically. Expecting these things from them does them a disservice, and more importantly it creates distance between child and parent as the parent resorts to punitive measures such as yelling, taking away favorite toys, time-outs, and the like. At this age what children need most, according to Dr. MacNamara, is attachment and to be shown unconditional love. This is not to say that limits should not be placed on their behavior or that no consequences should follow from misbehavior, but that they should be given from a place of loving authority (“What you did was wrong, but I still love you”).

I was struck almost immediately as the book begins with a quote from Jiddu Krishnamurti: “To understand a child we have to watch him at play, study him in his different moods; we cannot project onto him our own prejudices, hopes and fears . . . If we are constantly judging the child according to our own personal likes and dislikes, we are bound to create barriers and hindrances in our relationship with him and in his relationships with the world.” This idea of studying a creature whose entire way of thinking is different from our own called to mind strongly THE MOUNTAIN IN THE SEA, which I just recently read. After that, Dr. MacNamara writes about a mother who questions what she should do about discipline. The author writes that the question can only be answered “by first considering how young children thrive and flourish . . . step back from focusing on what to do in the moment and consider what [you] could do to create the conditions for healthy development . . . focus on maturity as the ultimate answer to immaturity and how parenting is about patience, time, and good caretaking.” This seems like a perfect distillation of the same philosophy behind police and prison abolition, which I’ve read about in a number of books (ARE PRISONS OBSOLETE? by Angela Y. Davis, BECOMING ABOLITIONISTS by Derecka Purnell, to name just a couple).

It’s exciting to make connections between the books I read, but it’s also exciting that this book’s philosophy so closely mirrored one that I have already been persuaded is necessary in the larger culture. It made me all the more receptive to what it had to say.

Indeed, Dr. MacNamara discusses a number of methods for harnessing your child’s need for attachment to fuel their growth. Although it seems paradoxical, children can “venture forth to play only when they are assured of a home base to return to.” By allowing them space to experiment, to exhibit their emotions while not letting it affect the way you behave toward them, you are giving children not only confidence in you as a parent but also in themselves. That said, a lot of the pieces that spoke to me were about maintaining an alpha role in the relationship—something I’m not sure Holly and I have been totally successful at, in part because it was not something we perceived as important. We can enjoy the company of our children, while recognizing that the parent/child relationship is not one of peers—we are not our child’s friend. Thus, we should refuse to negotiate with them as if they were equals. As an example, questions such as “What do you want to eat?” suggest a child has authority when they should not. “A young child needs to take for granted that they will be cared for, not turned into a consultant regarding their needs.” Dr. MacNamara writes that it is appropriate for them to be given choices, but not about caretaking tasks (e.g. what food to eat, when to go to sleep, which family members they will see, etc.).

The key to aligning the relationship appropriately is to accept that the work of the relationship is your responsibility as the parent; YOU have to take the lead, read the child’s needs, allow the child to process their frustration through tears as necessary, and hide your own fears and needs from them, including by not sharing your parenting strategy or agenda. “The key is not to reveal your impotence” when they do not obey, she writes. Ultimately, emotional energy must flow, but ideally parents will move away from “cut it out” approaches to misbehavior and toward an approach that allows them to express their emotions in a safe manner and place. Traditional disciplinary methods “work” because they create attachment alarm (taking away a toy or taking away access to a parent); they do not resolve the underlying frustration the child was feeling but cause them to push it down, where it will emerge at a later time perhaps to be taken out on a sibling or a pet. It also creates an adversarial relationship with the parent, not by teaching consequences as we believe but by teaching children that their dependency on their parent will be exploited when compliance is required. She urges parents to “come alongside” their child—honor their feelings, “collect” them by getting down in their face in a friendly way, and let them know you understand their emotions and that it is not wrong to have feelings of anger, sadness, denial, and the like while standing firm on your directives as a parent.

In spite of my initial resistance to the book, I recognized maladaptive aspects of the relationship my wife and I have with our son in the family stories Dr. MacNamara recounts. We certainly have included him too much in caretaking decisions, including what he will eat and when; and I have been known to rely on parenting techniques that involve threats of separation (taking away toys, “well, I’m just going to leave you here then” when he won’t come willingly, etc.). While reading the book, I consciously tried to change my behavior toward him and although I’ve only been doing it for a few days it does seem like a better parenting strategy. It’s probably too early to tell whether it will have any larger repercussions in his attitude or behavior, but regardless the ideas presented in this book strike me as a more empathetic, goal-oriented approach to parenthood than I’ve been heretofore practicing.

In short, I found the content of the book compelling. I found I truly cherished the information in this book. It caused me to become more conscious of my interactions with my son and created change in my approach to our relationship. A book which is able to connect with me in such a way certainly deserves five Goodreads stars. In fact, Holly and I have already discussed that this is one we would likely benefit from reading again as our son grows because the methods we use to engage with him will have to adapt with the increased complexity of his thoughts processes. Dr. MacNamara’s advice through each stage will be invaluable.

[Oksana · Rating 5 out of 5]

У цій книзі мені відгукнулося кожне слово. Про таке чутливе батьківство. Стає набагато легше бути включеним в усі етапи дитячого розвитку, коли розумієш що і до чого - ця книга дає таке розуміння.
Раніше я думала, що якщо дитина в магазині/на вулиці/в будь-якому публічному місці плаче, падає в істериці, то це лиш тому, що батьки якісь недолугі (хоча інколи й таке буває, від незнання і численних травм дитинства, які, на жаль, часто пер��носяться на свою дитину), просто заберіть цю дитину, нащо страждати всім? Але тепер я по цей бік барикад і розумію як все непросто, хоча водночас і просто, якщо розуміти, що дитячий мозок проходить дуже багато етапів розвитку і для дитини це ще те випробування (як і для батьків, хехе), але в них є ми, відповідальні і люблячі дорослі, які також народжуються і зростають поруч зі своїми дітьми. Ох, і нелегка ця вся справа, та вона на 100% вартує зусиль.
А ще мені дуже подобається, що книга щедро присмачена реальними історіями батьків і від цього відчувається ще більша підтримка.

• "Діти щодня нагадують нам про таїнство, велич і витоки, звідки ми розвиваємося як особистість. Хтось скаже, що Природа божевільна, якщо видає нам на виховання таких незрілих істот, а мені здається — вона мудра. Як дорослі ми дивимося вперед на старіння і розставання, але, підтримуючи близькість з дітьми, ми змушені дивитися назад, на свої витоки."

[Olha Dubniewicz · Rating 5 out of 5]

Книжка про розвиток, що розкриває таємниці дитячої нестерпної поведінки, пояснює, чому маленькі діти такі вперті та егоїстичні, і як дорослим це витерпіти. Не лякайтеся - діти насправді чудові, у всьому винна їхня незрілість - тому вони і діти :)
Зрілість не треба насаджувати, вона розвивається природньо - ця думка допомогла особисто мені дещо розслабитися. Ми не повинні програмувати дітей - ми маємо запевняти їм спокій, в якому вони зможуть гратися і розвиватися.
"Вона поводитиметься, як доросла, коли буде дорослою" - чи не геніальна відповідь на колючу увагу щодо поведінки вашої дитини? Просто і геніально, на мою думку.
Абсолютно чудова література, яка додає крил і заохочує повірити в себе як маму чи тата, довіритися своїй інтуїції і природньому розвитку. Щиро раджу усім батькам.

[Tara · Rating 5 out of 5]

"As a parent said to me (the author), 'I was moved when I learned about the insecurity that comes when a child needs to be good to keep the attachment (to a parent). They no longer have the luxury of wanting to be good.'"~Deborah MacNamara

As the title states this book is great for any parent or primary caregiver with toddlers / pre-schoolers. I like how the author suggests guidelines for dealing with situations and doesn't get bogged down by the circumstances the child is brought up in - meaning single parents, divorce, etc. This book challenges the common belief system: a parent's job is to control his/her child. And it does so by informing us of what is happening with children before the age of 7 years. It comes from a place of understanding them and what they need to become a mature adult and what we can go to guide them through the process during these years. The author also adresses sensitive children. Overall, this is a fantastic book for this age and it took me a while to finish it, well, when you're a parent reading a parenting book, pauses are needed and I am so glad I plugged through as the information is so valuable.

[Tetiana Dzhyhar · Rating 5 out of 5]

Без сумніву це поки краще, що зі мною трапилось на книжковому ринку про дитячий розвиток та виховання. Багато пояснень, приходить розуміння, що і як поводитись в тій чи іншій ситуації. Ні, то не зовсім практичний порадник, але є багато реальних випадків з життя. Вопшем батьківський мастрід.
*Буквально нещодавно вийшов український паперовий варіант, але судячи з кількох перших сторінок, що залиті в мережу у якості ознайомчого уривку - там лютий треш, найімовірніше перекладено з російської. Той варіант, коли краще завантажити піратську версію російською.

[Ana Stanciu-Dumitrache · Rating 5 out of 5]

Mi-a plăcut foarte mult.

“We don’t need to save our children from the wounding world they live in- it is impossible. It is our job to make sure we don’t send them into it empty-handed. At the root of resiliency, emotional vulnerability and soft hearts lies a simple truth: who ever a child gives their heart to has the power to protect it with their own. We need to seize the lead in the attachment dance so that we become the shield our children’s soft hearts require.”

[Robyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Five stars for the general content but because the book is not a huge publication, the writing and editing is not what it could be in order to appeal to the mainstream audience. I can get through academic writing but unfortunately I wouldn't widely recommend this book because it's fairly dense. which is too bad because a lot of the content is completely transformative and so so helpful. do you want to truly understand why your 3-5 year old is a little sh*t? this is the book that will explain it to you and help you understand how to deal with it at a high level. but, it's not a how-to, it doesn't have "scripts" like a lot of parenting guides and books have. essentially little kids have immature brains, and they will act immature until their brains begin to mature. you can't make them mature early, so just love them and try to create the conditions that will set them up for success until their brains mature and they can make better decisions. if you just want to know the tips and tricks to get your kid to behave without all the theory behind it this is not the book for you.

[Cody Lasko · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a slog. It’s a damn fine book but it’s bloody expansive and I don’t feel like it helped me, more paralyzed me with the realization I’m bound to mess up as a parent because nobody can be as perfect as this book is guiding you to be.

It’s full of great ideas and advice but I’m left wondering if I should’ve gotten a phd in parenting before having kids.

[Erik · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a well-apportioned book that is applicable for humans of all ages even though most useful for caregivers of young children. The main premise of "rest" is not how we usually think of it. Instead, it refers to the feeling of a child being at home and at peace when with one's caregiver--or, feeling utterly loved. Only in that state can a child be free to play in the only manner that affords the opportunity for the child to progress along the course towards eventual adulthood. It' a compelling concept. Like most of these parenting books, it's short enough to be read by distracted and overwhelmed parents with just enough details and anecdotes to truly comprehend. However, I wish I had read it with a little more attention to fully soak up the concepts--but that's how it goes trying to be that loving, safe, home base for a 3-year-old.

[Khrystyna Kolesnyk · Rating 5 out of 5]

Мені подобаються багато послань цієї книги, тому 5*:
- дитина готова піти за тим, кому належить її серце (так і з дорослими, як на мене)
- діти зрощують зрілість у своїх батьках, батьки зрощують зрілість у дітях. Якщо бути точнішим - вони є провідниками до зрілості - через свою турботу, присутність, м'яке серце
- м'яке серце батьків зрощує м'яке серце дітей приймаючи вразливості, недосконалості, і людську природу.

[Michelle · Rating 3 out of 5]

I thought this had lots of good content. But, like many books about parenting, it felt completely inadequate in addressing the limitations parents might face in implementing some of this guidance, even suggesting that constant guilt was a helpful daily motivator in getting out of bed and trying to be a good parent.

[Janeb7 · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was truly inspiring, which I don't say lightly. I felt like she was addressed so many of the fears and joys of my heart as I strive to be a better parent. Informative, engaging, reassuring.

[Anna Dmytrenko · Rating 5 out of 5]

Класна предметна книжка, з реальним прикладами з життя та порадами.
Мені вона дуже добре лягає на моє «інтуїтивне» батьківство.
Я б лише її радила батькам дошкільнят, щоб з користю і не витрачати надто багато часу

[Barbara · Rating 5 out of 5]

Every adult should read this book.

[Weysan · Rating 2 out of 5]

The points she made were valuable, though it could've been edited down to half the size of the book, or a 5-page pdf article.

[Ollie Skyba · Rating 5 out of 5]

Для тех родителей, кому теория привязанности - не пустой звук, а высокочувствительные дети - ежедневный труд. Я оставлю в своей библиотеке и буду переслушивать по возможности.

[Jill · Rating 5 out of 5]

In Deborah MacNamara's book, she unpacks and expands on the work of Dr Gordon Neufeld (Hold on to Your Kids, 4 stars), who argues that the quality of parental attachment is the primary driver of a child's socio-emotional development and growth. Drawing substantially from course material from the Neufeld Institute, MacNamara argues that it is only when a child feels secure in their relationship with their parent/caregiver that they are able to be at rest, so that they can play and then grow, and reach their developmental potential (hence the book's title).

For MacNamara, developmental potential is "not about academic achievements, social status or good behaviour, individual talents or gifts…[It] is about leading a child to maturity, to responsible citizenship, and to considering the world around them from multiple perspectives. It is a road map for growing a child into a separate, independent being who assumes responsibility for directing their own life and for the choices they make. It is about the unfolding of a child's potential as an adaptive being with the capacity to overcome adversity, persist in the face of difficulty, and become resilient. It is a road map to a child's potential as a social being who shares thoughts and feelings in a responsible way; develops impulse control, patience, and consideration; and considers the impact of who they are on others".

And "play" here is not about play dates and structured activities, but activities that fulfil these 3 characteristics: they are not goal oriented (which would make it work); they are not real; and they are expressive and exploratory. As MacNamara explains, "play is where the fun happens. By contrasty, when one is working on something, the 'fruits of one's labour' are enjoyed upon completing a task…The type of play young children need is often that which is done on their own without parents or peers as playmates. When children play together, it is usually left to one child to lead the play, while the others become passive recipients of direction and ideas. A young child needs to have time to become immersed in their own world for the purpose of expression or exploration."

MacNamara notes "in a behavioural/learning approach, a child's behaviour is shaped and maturity is taught. The unspoken assumption is that a child learns to be mature, with parents controlling this process rather than growing them towards maturity by providing the conditions for it to unfold…[there is a] proliferation of child-rearing practices that rely on sculpting techniques, such as negative or positive reinforcement, rewards, consequences, and coercion, to correct signs of immaturity. Dealing with a child's immature behaviour is the primary focus, and parenting skills are used to modify learned responses".

However, in the developmental/relational approach, parents are seen less as sculptors and more like "gardeners who seek to understand what conditions children grow best in. Their focus is on cultivating strong adult-child relationships that provide the foundation on which full human potential is realised. Parents use their relationship to protect and preserve a child's emotional functioning and well-being…Just as in physical growth, children are born with inner growth processes that, if supported, propel them towards greater psychological and emotional maturity. Maturation is spontaneous but not inevitable". It is not so much about "what we do to our young children but…who we are to them".

MacNamara reminds us that young children lack the capacity to consider more than one point of view at a time because their brains are still under development. Impatience, impulsivity, lack of reflection, lack of moderation, egocentricity are all par for the course for young kids and it is only, on average, at the ages of 5 to 7 that their brains start to integrate and they are able to demonstrate capacity for judgement, self-control and flexible thinking (7 to 9 for more sensitive kids). It is only at this stage that a child can start to experience and attend to "conflicting feelings, thoughts and impulses…experience inner dissonance and [develop a] conscience". For sensitive kids - whom MacNamara describes as those who "may complain that tags in their clothes are too itchy, sounds are too loud, smells are too strong, or some foods taste really bad [and for whom] it can be difficult to get their attention because they are bombarded by sensory information and are overwhelmed" - this process takes place later, around ages 7 to 9 on average. Yet, MacNamara observes that sensitive children "also seem to possess a natural brightness in comparison to other children because of their enhanced receptivity to information and stimulation."

So what does it mean to nurture and develop little children and help them mature psychologically? First, MacNamara emphasises the importance of having a strong relationship with the child, where the child's hunger for contact and closeness is satiated and they can be "at rest in their relationships"; we can think of young children as having an attachment fuel tank that can quickly get depleted and needs topping up to overflowing before independent play can happen. Children need to know that they are loved for who they are (as opposed to what they do), that they can feel safe revealing vulnerable feelings because it will not lead to separation from their attachments. While attachment potential is typically realised in the first six years of life, MacNamara reassures the reader that it "is never too late for attachment potential to be realised".

It is only where there is strong attachment that a child's desire to follow directions will be activated. This means that when we want our children to follow our directions, we first need to activate that connection and attachment through what MacNamara terms the "collecting ritual"; getting their attention by moving into their space in a friendly way, providing a touch of contact and closeness, before we make a request of them. Because young kids can only attend to one thing at a time, it is perfectly natural for them to ignore everything else (including their parents) when they are engrossed in something. The collecting ritual helps to shift their attention towards the parent.

Second, MacNamara stresses the importance of 'keeping children's hearts soft", where they can feel emotions in a vulnerable way and feel moved by them. Parents support children in this by (a) inviting them to express their feelings and helping children learn names for their feelings; (b) serving as shields by inviting children to tell you how they are feeling, reflecting on what you have heard, and acknowledging what it is like to feel this way; and (c) serving as tempering agents by helping to manage children's strong emotions and restore emotional balance.

Related to the point on emotional balance, MacNamara notes that frustration is a strong emotion that children need help managing and that "helping a child accept something is futile is not a logical process but an emotional one…Efforts to talk a young child out of something in a reasonable and rational manner are usually doomed to failure. We need to go through their heart not their head for futility to register…We need to help them hear our 'no' and be moved to accept it emotionally". And a child can only accept that something is futile if their heart is soft and can be moved to feel sadness and disappointment, and feel safe to show this vulnerability to a caring adult. MacNamara warns that "a young child can be a relentless change agent who refuses to take no for an answer. The fatal mistake is telling them why you are saying 'no' at this point. Parents can end up trapped in a logical conversation with a young child, with arguments made and countered, negotiations sought and refused. In the face of a child's incessant whys, parents can simply reflect that it is frustrating not to get the answer they want….If we want a child to adapt to something that is futile, then we need to close the doorway to change and open the doorway to adaptation. Closing the doorway to change means we provide a clear and direct 'no' to their request or agenda with little explanation. If the answer sinks in and futility registers emotionally, a child can be moved to adapt, can feel disappointment or sadness, and might even begin to cry".

MacNamara argues that behavioral problems in children often have their roots in (a) poor attachment (not feeling loved); (b) where there is attachment, but the child does not accept the adult as the caretaker and follows their lead (not feeling taken care of and believing that care will endure); or (c) the child not having a soft heart. More often than not, we end up trying to tackle the behaviors themselves, which are the symptoms, rather than trying to address the root cause.

In the case of (a) , strengthening/re-establishing attachment is key. In the case of (b), MacNamara advises that parents regain the alpha role by "seizing the lead and reading the child's needs" (and responding to those needs instead of to the child's demands); and by providing more than is pursued to that the provision of care more than satisfies their hunger for connection. Because parents should be seen as the providers and guides, MacNamara argues that young children should not be made to "feel responsible for their [parents'] emotions, stress, hardships, and sacrifices". Nor should parents allow their kids to see when they are at a loss to deal with the kids' behaviour.

For (c), restoring the child's emotional vulnerability is essential. For MacNamara, socio-emotional development always starts with the heart and engaging at the emotional level:

"When a child cannot feel the futility of changing something and the tears do not come, they will be moved to attack….Adults often intervene by asking an attacking child why they are so angry - 'Why did you throw the toy?' or 'Why did you hit your brother?' - which is a request for logic and reason…When a young child is full of attacking energy, the goal is to…allow some attacking energy to be vented, coming alongside their frustration, and making it safe for them and others. The goal is to lead them back to their sadness or tears. If child has lost their tears and there is little sign of vulnerable feelings such as caring and sadness, then the goal will be to survive the incident with everyone's dignity intact."

She emphasises repeatedly that kids' behaviours is the responsibility of the parents - by setting the appropriate conditions and environment that kids find it easy and natural to behave well, by supervising kids, being alert to potential incidents and nipping them in the bud before they can escalate; the onus should be on kids to manage their own behaviour. Adults can supervise and direct kids and make sure that they are not placed in situations that are too much for them developmentally (e.g. sitting through a long meal quietly, putting them in a new and highly stimulating environment for a long time). They should provide structure and routine to compensate for young children's lack of organizational and social abilities because routines provide guidelines for behaviour and expectations.

MacNamara warns that while time-outs and separation-based discipline may appear effective, they do so by working on children's fear of separation from their parents. In order to avoid the anxiety of parental supervision, children will actively suppress whatever emotions or behaviours are being deemed unacceptable.

Overall, Rest, Play, Grow is a useful - albeit challenging - read for parents. I confess to having used time outs as a means of discipline (and it did create a lot of angst for my younger child in particular) and trying to use logic and reasoning to teach my kids what they should and should not be doing (believing that if you can feed yourself and sleep in underwear, that must be a sign of maturity on all fronts). MacNamara's book provides an alternative take on what it takes to raise kids who will do the right thing. She reminds us:

"Our society has become preoccupied with the caring performance given rather than the roots from which caring actions arise". So we instruct children to say "sorry" or "thank you" but this does not ensure that they feel remorse or gratitude. Any hurry to get a mature performance will thwart their understanding of the emotions that will render them the most humane….A child can be scripted to look civilised but it is a performance devoid of any depth".

I also appreciated how MacNamara constantly reminds us to take our kids' perspective - that what seems logical to an adult will make no sense at all to a little person whose brain just has not reached that level of development. And trying to explain things from an adult-oriented perspective is an exercise in futility. This observation in particular really got me: "while parenthood is tough on parents, it is tough on kids too. Imagine being a baby and having to transition from "being inside you 24/7, feeling your warmth, hearing your heartbeat, to never being able to hold you close like that again".

4.5 stars.

[Narcisa Chiric · Rating 5 out of 5]

Cred că este cea mai bună carte despre creșterea și educarea copiilor pe care eu am citit-o până în prezent!

Este uimitor cât de mult contează atașamentul pentru copii. Ei au nevoie de o persoana cel puțin care îi îngrijește de care să se atașeze în mod sănătos pentru a se putea juca, odihni și dezvolta corect.

Putem considera chiar o artă pentru părinte să stăpânească cele mai bune tehnici de a forma un atașament puternic față de copilul lor.

[Abby · Rating 4 out of 5]

High-minded, academic advice that is very sound, regarding how preschoolers develop and how they need calm, stable adults to lead and guide them. Nothing terribly new, but it was a great reminder—and as the parent of an “orchid,” I found her advice about guiding and calming sensitive kids very relevant.

[Tiffany · Rating 5 out of 5]

Yup. So this was another audiobook, and in that regard I have thoughts. Deborah narrates it herself, but the version I listened to had lots of parts stitched in- so it was not a fluid listening experience. Also, now that I am becoming an audiobook connoisseur, my expectations for engagement are high… …. Putting this aside…

Anyone who owns a toddler, interacts with a toddler, or who has a loved one who sometimes reminds them of a toddler would benefit from reading this. Although the target audience is probably parents of the 18 month-5 year range, it’s actually applicable to young high school students too. It’s honestly pretty repetitive, but that makes for nice lazy reading. And if this is the first developmental psychology book you read, it’s probably very informative. So, overall, highly recommend!!

[Kayla JL · Rating 5 out of 5]

Highly suggest to every single parent and anyone working/interacting with young kids on a regular basis. Love this book and keep going back to it when I need a parenting-boost or refresh. Every single parent should read this to know what is developmentally appropriate for their children.

[Cornelia · Rating 5 out of 5]

Lots of nuance; I loved that. It’s especially great as a guide to understanding the child’s brain, attachment, and the delicate balancing act we must perform as parents. Highly recommended, even for parents of slightly younger toddlers, as it offers a clearer perspective on what’s to come.

[Kirstie · Rating 2 out of 5]

I do not understand why this book is so well-rated and so often recommended. It. Is. So. Dry. And it’s also insistent that parents read too many parenting books and parenting books are unhelpful but also this is a parenting book??? Anywho, a few good tips to give this a 2* but way too boring to recommend or ever desire to pick up again.

[Shelby Emrich · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was truly incredible! A must read for all parents! I have read so many parenting books and this trumps all others. Such an easy to comprehend format and very relatable with the included real-life examples. So grateful for all that I have learned and have started putting things into practice with my children - may even read it again in a few weeks for a refresher because the information is so valuable!

[Mariia Karnaukhova · Rating 5 out of 5]

Наразі найкраща книга про дитячу психологію і виховання, яку я читала. Після прочитання набагато краще розумієш поведінку дитини і як правильно реагувати в різних ситуаціях.

[Andriana Novosad · Rating 5 out of 5]

На даний момент це найкорисніша книга про батьківство серед тих, що читала. Важливе про емоції, думки, поведінку дітей і самих батьків, про важливість гри і стосунків з батьками. Однозначно рекомендую.

[Phaedon · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think this is an important book for parents of young children to read, but it isn't without its flaws. I do think that MacNamara does a competent job of emphasising what the real task of parenting is. She explains well why the focus should be on connection (attachment) rather than instruction. She also does a nice job of reminding parents why traditional approaches to discipline may not work. I think she reminds us to be sympathetic to the young human's condition. Much of this seems to be repackaging of material from Gordon Neufeld, a fact that she doesn't try to hide. I surmise that part of her goal with the book was to make these lessons more digestible for sleep deprived parents of toddlers. I certainly found it full of helpful reminders of how to approach my relationship with my son.

Still, I couldn't help having some mixed feelings about the book. When I read through my ~100 Kindle Highlights, I felt a lot more positive about what I gleaned than I did as I read through the full work. Perhaps it was simply a question of the quality of the writing. It isn't the most engaging. I found the tone a bit saccharine, and that made reading it for long stretches unappealing. I also found many of the anecdotes and quotes from parents a bit implausible, perhaps even inauthentic. I think they were either heavily paraphrased to fit the message or she found some of the most ingenuous parents out there. Whatever the reason, I found those parts of the book relatively un-relatable.

Still, I think this is one of those books that you just have to sift through to find the gold. It's there.