Single at Heart: The Power, Freedom, and Heart-Filling Joy of Single Life

by Bella DePaulo

All too often society issues dire warnings about the risks of living single. But is finding a spouse or romantic partner really a requirement for a full life? In Single at Heart, Dr. Bella DePaulo speaks on behalf of the millions of people who are drawn to single life for all it has to offer and shares what it means to not just be happy being single for a time, but to be happy being single always.

This pivotal volume addresses misconceptions about single life, spotlighting, celebrating, and supporting those who plan to stay single and sharing research, case studies, anecdotal examples, and more to help family members and friends understand. In richly engaging, evidence-based text, Dr. DePaulo-a Harvard-educated professor and researcher whose Ted Talk on the appeal of staying single has more than 1.6 million views-supports listeners of all genders, ages, and backgrounds who are Single at Heart and advises on topics like solitude, freedom, intimacy, children, and societal pressure.

For Dr. DePaulo, her understanding of herself as Single at Heart provided strength, confidence, power, authenticity, deep fulfillment, and more. In Single at Heart, she shares what she's learned as well as the stories of others, in the process inspiring and fueling a movement of people standing up for what is right for them and thriving because of it.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Relationships, Psychology, Feminism, Audiobook, Personal Growth

Audible Audio

First published December 5, 2023

About the author

I’m Bella DePaulo. I’m proud to say that I’ve always been single and I always will be.
• “Single at heart” is my term for people who love being single – single life is our most meaningful, fulfilling, authentic, and psychologically rich life. My latest book, “Single at Heart,” is all about that.
• The Atlantic magazine described me as “America’s foremost thinker and writer on the single experience.”
• My TEDx talk, “What no one ever told you about people who are single,” has been viewed more than 1.6 million times.
• My 1st book about singles was Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After (St. Martin’s)
• I’m a social psychologist, a Harvard PhD with more than 150 scholarly publications. My 2023 article, "Single and flourishing: Transcending the deficit narratives of single life," was published in an academic journal but I wrote it in an engaging and jargon-free way so you don’t have to be an academic to enjoy it.
• I have bylines in the New York Times, the Washington Post, New York magazine, the Atlantic, Time magazine, the Guardian, the Chronicle of Higher Education, NBC, CNN, and many more.
• My work on single people has been described in many publications in the US and around the world, including, for example, the New York Times, the Washington Post, the Wall Street Journal, USA Today, Cosmopolitan, New York magazine, Time magazine, the Atlantic, the Economist, the Week, the Nation, Business Week, AARP Magazine, Newsweek, and the TED Ideas Blog.
• I have been writing the “Living Single” blog for Psychology Today since 2008.
• I have been on NPR many times, as well as many other podcasts and radio shows.
• In 2022, I discussed single people with Maria Shriver on the Today show.

You can learn more about me at my website, www.BellaDePaulo.com.

Reviews

[Jim Dooley · Rating 5 out of 5]

For most of my year, I experience only fleeting moments of feeling lonely. That always changes around the Christmas holiday, though, even though my daughter and my best friend come to visit. A clearer understanding of this came when I received a Christmas card that featured the message across the front, "Christmas Is For Families." Having been divorced for years, and losing a beloved dog this past November who had been with me for over 14-years, I realized that most messages I receive during this time are subtlety slanted toward Being Together With Family. Singles aren't specifically prohibited, but there is a faint suggestion of being an intruder.

I suppose that is why I felt drawn toward SINGLE AT HEART: THE POWER, FREEDOM, AND HEART-FILLING JOY OF SINGLE LIFE at the close of this year. The writer is not advocating that people adopt the single life (although the benefits are liberally addressed ... occasionally with multiple repetitions). No, the core of the book is about being true to one's "Authentic Self," and the difficulties (real and imagined) that may be encountered in doing so.

Frankly, before reading this, I've never stopped to deeply consider if I gravitated toward being Single At Heart in lieu of "Coupledom." This was in large part due to having a pet companion who brought me daily joy. As I've looked back on my "preferences," though, I've become aware that many of them grew out of stories and beliefs that have been shared with me since childhood. For instance, when recognizing that I would be living in my house alone for the foreseeable future, my first thought was that I needed to move to someplace much smaller because ... well, why should a solo person inhabit this much space? One person doesn't "need" that. While reading the book, my thinking changed to, "If you can afford it and you love it, why not?" (I have even referred to my house to others as "The Retreat.")

SINGLE AT HEART questions the obligations of living up to the expectations of others. It asks us to "Flip the Question" that we may be asking ourselves or are asked by others, and to ponder a different perspective. That is a very valuable Gift.

Yesterday, the local newspaper had a cartoon that seemed most appropriate to this consideration. It showed a number of people at a New Year's Eve party gathered around a television screen to "watch the Ball drop." The "thinking" caption, apparently coming from one fellow who was wearing a party hat and holding a drink at the back of the avidly-enthralled group, was "Only 5 more seconds until I can go home ... Only 4 more seconds until I can go home." I smiled, especially because I knew I would be home in bed and asleep ... until the neighborhood firecrackers wake me up for a few minutes.

I would strongly recommend SINGLE AT HEART: THE POWER, FREEDOM, AND HEART-FILLING JOY OF THE SINGLE LIFE to anyone who has difficulties with self-reflection. The book doesn't ask the Reader to buy-into any set response (other than being more aware and tolerant of those who are different from ourselves). At the very least, it provides a baseline for the self-reflection for various themes and points, allowing either personal identification or rejection of them. It also provides awareness of policies, practices and attitudes at many levels that range from mildly unfair to causing significant emotional injury.

[Chris Linder · Rating 2 out of 5]

I feel really crabby after reading this book. I found it to be super repetitive and lacking in depth and nuance. I have always felt "single at heart" and have often taken pride in my single identity and the different variations of it throughout my life. That said, this book perpetuates a lot of problematic narratives and fails to integrate any discussion of power whatsoever. The entire book is based on a middle or upper class experience with no acknowledgement of it, and perpetuates an individualistic, hyper-independent approach to life. While certainly some bucking of the master narrative around coupledom is important, the notion that it is healthy to completely go it our own is such a westernized, dominant culture narrative. The discussions of race are highly superficial, bordering on tokenizing. The intersection between single identity and asexuality or aromantic identities is significant and this book includes about 2 paragraphs on each. The book also promotes a zero-sum mentality, constantly comparing "single" experiences with coupledom, setting them up as in competition with each other, frequently noting how "single" life is "better" than being in a couple. While that might be true for some, including me, the last thing our culture needs is another "culture war" around something as instrumental to our lives as this. Im so over the zero-sum, individualistic, un-nuanced approach to everything in our culture. Disappointed is obviously an understatement about how I feel about this book. I actually think it has the potential to cause harm with it's lack of nuance and broad, blanket generalizations about people. The author has not done her own work to interrogate systems of power beyond her own experiences with sexism and single-ism.

[CatReader · Rating 3 out of 5]

Bella DePaulo is a social psychologist and academic whose focus of study in recent years has been people who are "single at heart," as she writes about in this book. The focus of this work is largely distinct from nonfiction I've previously read on solitude (memoirs like Howard Axelrod's The Point of Vanishing: A Memoir of Two Years in Solitude), or books about living alone (like Eric Klinenberg's Going Solo: The Extraordinary Rise and Surprising Appeal of Living Alone, or sociological examinations of women specifically delaying marrige (like Rebecca Traister's All the Single Ladies). Instead, Dr. DePaulo's focus is people with a variety of sexual and romantic orientations (including heterosexual, LGBTQ+, asexual, demisexual, and aromantic) who feel happiest and most fulfilled outside of marriage or long-term monogamous romantic relationships.

Dr. DePaulo has developed a survey to assess whether people are "single at heart" available on her website; these include (somewhat leading) questions like:

How do you feel about searching for a long-term romantic partner?

a. Maybe it feels like something you "should" do, but you are not really all that interested.

b. The process may or may not be exciting and fun, but a successful outcome would be great.

and

Many couples expect to be each other's "plus-one" for just about every occasion. How do you feel about that?

a. You prefer to sometimes attend events on your own, sometimes with other people, and sometimes just to stay home.

b. You take comfort in having a person in your life who is obligated to be your plus-one, even though you'll be obligated to be your partner's plus-one at events that you might prefer to skip.

She draws heavily in this book from responses and extended interviews from people who've self-selected to be in her data set (the scientist in me has to stress the nature of self-selection here! this is not a representative population survey, just like online product or business reviews are rarely a representative survey of all customers but rather tend to attract people with strong positive or negative feelings). She also pulls data from other sources, but probably >50% of the book is a result of her own survey's data, with many of the same individuals being quoted over and over. The book is also quite repetitive and wordy, and could have likely been condensed by around 50% without losing any significant content.

That being said, I do see value in books like this for people curious about this topic or seeking affirmation that their lifestyle preferences and choices don't make them weird or bad. I think there definitely is a social stigma against people (particularly women) who don't aspire to marry or have kids (even present in books ostensibly celebrating these lifestyles, like in Peggy O'Donnell Heffington's Without Children: The Long History of Not Being a Mother), and some people still feel pressured to conform. I think those people will find Single at Heart reassuring and empowering.

My statistics:
Book 258 for 2024
Book 1861 cumulatively

[hanney · Rating 4 out of 5]

so much highlighting! but also so much personal cringe-pain-agony due to self help nature of this book

[Michelle B]

DNF @ 20%

No me interesa nada el tema la verdad, así que no me obligaré a leerlo.

[Kristin Noreen · Rating 5 out of 5]

The joy radiates from this book. I got hooked on DePaulo's work with Singled Out (2004), and there's a lot of personal and professional growth shown here, from years of experience with new research and the online group, Community of Single People. With irreverent humor, DePaulo pokes holes in the prevailing myths and stereotypes to reveal a subset of single people, those who choose it and like it that way.

[natty Bo · Rating 5 out of 5]

im so grateful to have found this book and then a community of like-minded folks. all my life, I've been a square peg trying to fit into a round hole, and i have tried very hard. I've tried shaving off my edges in every way imaginable. I began to believe that i was mishapen, malformed, abnormal and broken, that there would never be a square hole for me to fit into.
Until now.
this book is a mirror to my soul, reflecting what i have always felt to be true for me. My square hole has been discovered, and I am celebrating.

[Caitlin · Rating 3 out of 5]

I will scream if I read the words 'psychologically rich' one more time. This book was okay, a bit too biased towards how great being single is for my liking, but gave me some food for thought about how aging and dying alone isn't as much of a tragedy as society wants us to think.

[Lost · Rating 2 out of 5]

I love the idea behind this book, but it was too repetitive and eventually lost my attention.

[Niki · Rating 2 out of 5]

This lady is very passionate about her topic, but unfortunately that translated into a repetitive, long essay rather than an interesting book.

[Marie-France · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars.

[Rebecca · Rating 4 out of 5]

It is nice to know I��m not the only person who is happily single ever after

[Maddie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I feel like the definition of "Single at Heart" is still too ill defined for me to truly grasp the concept. The idea seems to be both too inclusive by stating that anyone can identify as single as heart, even those in active romantic relationships, but yet it's too exclusionary by regularly stating specific characteristics that define someone that is single at heart and not matching those characteristics indicate that the subject is simply just unafraid of being single or actually aspires for a romantic relationship. It also very barely touches on asexuality and aromantic, keeping the concepts contained to only chapter 7, which is surprising given how these sexualities can likely be incredibly intertwined with this concept of "single at heart" if the author chose to do deeper research on them.

The true benefit to this book is that it serves as a direct challenge to compulsory coupling and the idea that being in a relationship gives you an automatic advantage in life. It's a great exploration of the advantages of remaining single and prioritizing solitude over the expected partnership demanded in our society to prove that you're a "real" adult. I especially enjoyed the chapter studying the difference in happiness levels between single adults and married adults and how single adults are regularly happier than married folks, but society perceives them as less so due to their lack of relationship status.

Also the writing style is a bit woo-woo and quote heavy for my tastes, but at least it made it a quicker than expected read.

[Lisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved it! Such an important message. I loved that her arguments were backed by both science and anecdotes. As a single-at-heart person, I could relate so much to most of it and it was really great to read an official, scientific perspective on what I’ve long suspected and believed.
My only slight criticism is that I found the ebook (Kindle) wasn’t formatted very well in some parts. Nothing major though.

[Sophie V. · Rating 2 out of 5]

Saying you should be confidently single: good. Saying being single is always better than being in a committed relationship? completely whack

A lot of this book felt self-righteous and DePaulo congratulating herself on her own lifestyle. I found it irksome when she kept arguing that people in relationships/marriages are sadder and secretly want to be single

[Leif Paulson · Rating 3 out of 5]

The book had good concepts that relate to me as a single guy: freedom and solitude.

I wish there was more discussion on the stigma single people face.

[Brooke · Rating 4 out of 5]

Growing up in the 90s & early 00s, no one talked as if they were going to live their life single, much less by choice. Yet here we are 25+ years later and I look around me and am surprised to see how many of my peers actually ARE single … and are happy about it. We certainly are living in the midst of a revolution, and authors like Bella DePaulo are spreading the message through books such as Single At Heart, which shines light on the single experience and what it means to live your most authentic life as a single.

DePaulo’s book is strongly rooted in her own research and explores single life through various lenses, including social stigmas, aging, relationships with other people such as friends, family pressures, finances, freedom, career, and more. Her book draws on anecdotes and experiences from those who consider themselves to be “single at heart,” and it uses these stories to open up the conversation about what it means to be single by choice in today’s society.

As someone who is fairly well-versed in the single experience and who has read several books on the subject, I didn’t really find anything new or eye-opening in DePaulo’s Single At Heart; however, it is a thorough, albeit repetitive, deep dive into single life for anyone who is new to the topic. I especially appreciated DePaulo’s candid discussion on aging as a single, as this is one of the most common barbs launched at single people - dying alone. However, as DePaulo points out, only one half of every couple will die with a partner by their side (if their relationship even lasts that long), and for those with children, there is no guarantee that said children will be able to make it to your deathbed on time … or that they would even want to be there given the case of many estranged parent-child relationships.

In her timely nonfiction tome, DePaulo gives singles permission to live their best, most authentic life, no matter what that looks like, and provides research to back up claims that the singles, contrary to public perception, are some of the happiest people on Earth. Check out this book to find out why if you don’t already know …

[Sue · Rating 5 out of 5]

Are some people naturally happier alone? Yes, says author/psychologist Bella DePaulo, and she’s one of them. Never married, childless, she does not buy into the common belief that everyone needs a romantic partner and children, that being alone is a tragic situation. In her book, she insists that the single at heart deserve as much respect as those who choose to marry, that there is nothing wrong with it, and the solo life can in fact be fantastic. She suggests that those who think there is something wrong with being alone all your life if that’s what you want need to get over it.
DePaulo interviewed people who identified as single at heart and quotes heavily from their experiences. Most, whether they have been single all their lives or embraced singledom after being married or living with a partner, feel they are living their best lives alone.
Maybe it’s just the baby boomer Catholic in me, but if I’m being honest, DePaulo’s book felt like it was dissing people who prefer a more traditional life. But I am willing to grant that some of us would rather be alone, and many of us, whether it’s our choice or not, can be happy alone.
This book is a slow read full of quotes and statistics, but it is fascinating. It gives us a different way of looking at our solo lives. What if being alone is actually a wonderful thing?
I know I’m going to be quoting from Single at Heart for a while.

[Joe · Rating 3 out of 5]

The author makes some interesting points about being single and living life not being ashamed by that. Since I’m widowed, I guess I would qualify as single and being introverted, I don’t mind being that way.

But for me, it just is, it is not some high holy calling that makes me superior to married people or people who want to be married. I’m just living my life like other people are.

This book almost goes to great lengths to show that single at heart people are extraordinary people who are constantly learning, experiencing new things, going to new places and never holding still. Some married people do that. But the constant heaping of how being single at heart makes one a super individual gets a little tedious.

I was also bothered by how married people are looked down on as unauthentic and how marriage itself is a dangerous thing. Looking at women, especially, as always, guaranteed, to have to look forward to bad things as a wife was troubling. Seems lots of people are happily married. The author criticizes those who unfairly think that single people really can’t be happy but then criticizes married people as not really happy.

Apparently, I’m just single, not single at heart - big difference. Although much of the advice related in the book would seem to apply to me, I guess it might not because I did not buy into this as soon as I was born.

[Cheryl · Rating 3 out of 5]

Lovers of single life, set yourselves free! Unshackle yourselves from those old, regressive stories that claim that single life is sad and lonely. Rise above those repressive notions that everyone wants a romantic partner and if you think you don’t, you’ll get over it, and if you don’t get over it, you need help. Gleefully reject the idea that putting a romantic partner at the center of your life is something you have to do, something that everyone wants, or that it is the normal, natural, and superior way to live. I have a new story to tell you. It is based on experiences of people all around the world who are telling their stories, often for the first time. It is also grounded in social science studies of hundreds, thousands, and sometimes even hundreds of thousands of people.

This was a great book overall, telling a new story for the masses that needs to told to help people live a full and rich life outside of the coupling narrative that dominates. I love how she has sections for allies on how to support singles, and if you are single-for-life-questioning what steps to take to see how it feels. Really important stories to hear. There is no one way to live your life, so welcome to the beautiful human diversity.

[Maria Lewis · Rating 3 out of 5]

FINALLY a book for all of us 'Single at Heart' for life creatures!!! Been craving and thriving as a
single person for over 40 years. Never wanted kids, never wanted to be "coupled" and resented getting married, "because we're supposed to"? Blissfully divorced and rarely dated. THIS book and credible author/professor has impeccably explained the whys and wherefores of changing the centuries old culture/expectation of how sad and lonely we all should be but aren't!!! Validation at last for being valued and respected for knowing exactly what we want and thriving as a result.
I didn't read much of this book outside of the first chapter and quiz. Why? Because I got my validation just by being told how to stick up for myself and why I don't have to answer to anyone for how I choose to live!!! The bulk of the book is for others who need more convincing, I, however, didn't need to read the whole thing.

[Akhil Devarashetti · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really liked this book. It's important to understand that Bella says there are single people who cherish their single lives, contrary to conventional beliefs. What she does not say is "single life is better than coupled life for everyone". This book acknowledges the existence of single at heart people, they exist and they face cultural and legal bias. This book is a tremendous validation for people who think they are single at heart, including myself. The chapters are independent which I liked. I picked the intimacy chapter which is where I noticed a little bit of reservation in the author's tone. I expected some unabashed statements like, hey, single at hearts still have sex if they want to, be it FWB or whatever. But she revolves a bit around emotional intimacy with friends and family which I thought was unnecessary for that chapter. Another weird part was single parenting which is contradictory to being single at heart.

[David T · Rating 3 out of 5]

Definitely thought provoking and does point out various advantages to being single and I had not considered.

I felt like DePaulo denigrated the choice to not be single at times which speaks to bias.

The book is extraordinarily oriented towards what it’s like for a woman to be single. Arguably women feel greater social pressure and stigma around this issue than men, so need greater encouragement.

Leaving men 90% out of the discussion (and 99.5% out of the chapter on being a parent while single) /seems extreme. The imbalance made the book less relevant and even a little abrasive to me. Thus the three stars and I was considering two. There’s some value in this: now I have experienced a tiny wisp of what some marginalized groups deal with every day.

A committed-to-staying m-single woman in my reading group absolutely stinking loved this book! it is reasonably well constructed and well written; I just have some complaints about the content.

[Harmonie Thomas · Rating 4 out of 5]

The author unpacks single life, including her own story plus the stories of others. I felt encouraged while reading the book because I have felt external pressure to couple and have a husband who is "everything" and the most important person in your life. I wish I read this book before getting married. DePaulo is a researcher and she has a doctorate so the book has many references plus data from various surveys and reports. Toward the end, it gets very preachy, advocating for various social changes and policies to include single people and tear down the superiority of marriage and coupling of our society. Overall, I enjoyed the book and feel justified and validated in my singleness. It's my first time reading a book that honors and celebrates singleness, rather than one that encourages singles to date or offers help with attaining or maintaining romantic relationships.

[Reena · Rating 4 out of 5]

Big fan of Bella DePaulo and agree that this book comes together better than her past published works. I read it all very quickly and found some of it getting a little repetitive- but perhaps I return to her work to keep restating the message so it can penetrate all the societal brainwashing I've experienced on coupledom and its superiority. I'm already trying to convince some of my close friends they too are single at heart and embrace the power in that. I think it's us who do want psychologically rich lives, may end up being curious what is there to learn from a relationship but end up self sabotaging because we don't actually want it and then somehow feeling like a failure bc a partner is a symbol that validates your self worth to others. I'm so glad to have a book like this to reframe these narratives and help me look back and realize I'm single at heart and that's not maladaptive and I'm ok not feeling like I'm not missing out!

[Tara L. Campbell · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you're single and you're happy, read this book!

It's so refreshing to come across a body of work that validates your lived experience and philosophy in life. The author is an expert researcher on the topic as well as a "single at heart" herself and brings a lot of insight into the data that is coming out at a faster and faster rate. People who enjoy being single are much happier, more altruistic, and do more for their communities than couples and unhappily single people (those seeking a partner). The data throws all the stereotypes and misconceptions about single people out the window.

I had a good chuckle at the quiz in chapter 1: I'm the definition of single at heart.

[Anna · Rating 2 out of 5]

I found it somewhat repetitive and intermingled with statistics and stories from different people. To some people singletude is a natural state of life, for others it's transitional. Whereas it's important to challenge the stereotypes set against single people by choice, I don't agree that it's better, as the author suggests - just different. Despite the focus of the book on being single and what it might entail, the author skirts around creating an alternative family/communities by choice.. I was surprised that there was no mention of different spectrum of being single who choose to avoid people..

[Frieda · Rating 3 out of 5]

Bella DePaulo is on the forefront of studies on the single life and how the tradition viewpoint of living life as a couple supersedes all other relationships, leaving many of us marginalized. She provides research to back up her viewpoints but after awhile, it became repetitive.

However, the main takeaway is that the true single at heart, those who prefer and enjoy living the solo life is simply that - a way of life. She stresses that people should have the right to choose how they want to life without judgement and discrimination.

[Renate Eveline · Rating 2 out of 5]

The core message: there are people who enjoy being single and they are not broken.
I get it. I believe you. Without the endless vignettes (person X from place Y, age Z, loves to cuddle his cat) that added exactly nothing.
Coming from a researcher, I expected more depth on intersectionality (introversion, neurodiversity, sexual or romantic orientation). This is mentioned, but in a superficial and repetitive way.
All in all, a disappointing read that adds little to her TEDx Talk. The "flipping the script" passages were funny though.

[Natalie K · Rating 4 out of 5]

A bit dry and academic in places, but overall a great book! It's nice to see someone push back against the narrative that romantic relationships and ~marriage~ are the be-all and end-all in life. I mean, I'm not against them—but you can live a full and happy life without them. Indeed, the thesis of this book is that being single is the only way some people can be happy.