Find a Place for Me

by Deirdre Fagan

Find a Place for Me is a memoir about facing a marriage’s last act—a spouse’s death—as a couple united in mind and holding hands. Deirdre and Bob are married eleven years and have two young children when forty-three-year-old Bob is diagnosed with amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS), also known as Lou Gehrig’s Disease. ALS determines the journey their marriage will now take, but Bob and Deirdre are resolute in how they will traverse their remaining months as a couple.

Chronicling Bob’s illness, Find a Place for Me is also the love story of a happy marriage filled with humor, honesty, and essential conversations. In this moving, tragic, and surprisingly funny book, Deirdre and Bob raise a glass to the life each of them has left while learning how to lovingly say goodbye.

Genres: Memoir

Audible Audio

Published November 7, 2023

About the author

Dr. Deirdre Fagan is the award-winning author of a poetry collection, Phantom Limbs (2023); a memoir, Find a Place for Me: Embracing Love and Life in the Face of Death (2022), a short story collection, The Grief Eater (2020), a chapbook of poetry, Have Love (2019), and a reference book, Critical Companion to Robert Frost (2007). A creative writer and literary scholar whose work has recently been featured on NPR, ABC, and CBS stations, Fagan’s writing has appeared widely in literary and scholarly journals, anthologies, and encyclopedias, as well as magazines and newspapers. She is a widow, wife, mother of two, and professor and coordinator of creative writing at Ferris State University. Meet her at deirdrefagan.com

Reviews

[Martha Anne Toll · Rating 5 out of 5]

Read it.

[Maggie · Rating 5 out of 5]

The first time that I heard a version of this story was when I had the opportunity to hear Fagan read her poems “While Your Husband Is Still Able to Stand” and “Doorbell Advised” at an event. However, there is the story—and then there is The Story. Find a Place for Me is The Story.

Early on in Find a Place for Me , Fagan writes, “It is only by letting people into our hopes that we can let them into our grief.” This line became, for me, a driving narrative of the book. Fagan unabashedly weaves the narrative of a family confronting sorrow, anger and death in such a way that the reader feels as though they are right there in the room where it happens. Subsequently, the feelings she generates with her writing are at times vividly painful for the reader—it is a real rawness which is rarely shared so openly. Fagan grieves, and so do you. Fagan laughs and you find yourself giggling on your living room couch.

It is impossible to finish this book without feeling that you have a lived another life in 235 pages. And once you have finally turned the last page, Fagan and Find a Place for Me give one final gift: the opportunity to walk away with a better understanding. A better understanding of grief, most certainly, but more importantly, of love.

[Kristin · Rating 5 out of 5]

When most people receive a terminal diagnosis, their focus becomes Death. They may be consumed with sadness, fear, regret. Not Bob. His sincere wish was to spend his final months living the best he could. His wife, Deirdre, accompanies him on this journey toward his end of life by helping him laugh, love, lift the spirits of those around them. This memoir by his wife describes their process of learning to approach death by living.

The book addresses the realities of ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease) while peppering it with the vignettes of truly hilarious observation. While Deirdre is brutally honest about the daily struggles with caregiving and the stress of living with the declining health of her best friend and love, she also includes the little joys they encounter together. It is a story of a marriage confronting Death while maintaining life and learning to let go

[Lolly K Dandeneau · Rating 5 out of 5]

via my blog: https://bookstalkerblog.wordpress.com/
𝑾𝒂𝒍𝒌𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒏𝒖𝒎𝒃𝒍𝒚 𝒃𝒂𝒄𝒌 𝒕𝒐 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒑𝒂𝒓𝒌𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒈𝒂𝒓𝒂𝒈𝒆 𝒉𝒐𝒍𝒅𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒅𝒔 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝑩𝒐𝒃, 𝒐𝒏𝒍𝒚 𝒅𝒊𝒎𝒍𝒚 𝒂𝒘𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒎𝒚 𝒐𝒘𝒏 𝒃𝒐𝒅𝒚, 𝒘𝒆 𝒃𝒆𝒈𝒂𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒍𝒐𝒏𝒈 𝒘𝒂𝒍𝒌 𝒕𝒐𝒘𝒂𝒓𝒅 𝑩𝒐𝒃’𝒔 𝒅𝒆𝒂𝒕𝒉 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒅𝒆𝒑𝒂𝒓𝒕𝒖𝒓𝒆 𝒇𝒓𝒐𝒎 𝒆𝒂𝒄𝒉 𝒐𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓.

“Till death do us part” seems like an insignificant saying when you first marry, always thinking of some distant future that has nothing to do with us. We know we’re all going to die, but the reality of this fact isn’t something most of us gnaw on and confront daily. When your partner is diagnosed with a terminal illness, it’s not long before the truth brutalizes you. Deirdre and Bob have two young children, Liam and Maeve, and an eleven-year marriage when Bob is diagnosed with Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS) or Lou Gehrig’s disease. There is no cure and as the illness progresses, it steals more than time. Dierdre is no stranger to terminal illness nor how quickly it robs you of your loved ones. Could fate really be so cruel again? Why Bob, why her family? Now, she struggles not only with seeing her beloved Bob’s health deteriorate as well as the creeping loss of his independence but the jolting shock of what it will mean for their children to grow up once he is gone.

Many books about illness, usually fictional, are upbeat. You know, doom and gloom until love saves the day. In real life, that’s not how it ends. Dierdre and Bob’s journey is an unflinching look at the fears, strengths and weaknesses that flood them. Dierdre doesn’t shy away by martyring herself, in fact, she and Bob are very open about the emotions they are feeling. Flawed, imperfect… human. There is laughter with tears, it’s not always grim. As they learn about expressing their affection and love for each other, the variety of ways it is still possible to physically engage in, they do so with humor. It is an education, one that begs the question, why is sexuality when disability or illness is involved kept in the dark? It’s enlightening to be privy to the insights they discover. I can’t help but ache for Bob as he has no choice in leaving his family, it is a certainty, and no amount of optimism will change the outcome. It’s a fearful, painful fact but somehow he remains a pillar. Dierdre faces a future as a single mother, her solid, strong, practical husband will no longer be there to anchor her. She and their children will be witness to Bob’s immobility struggles, it is a terrifying prospect and what if she fails? What if the children do not understand? How will she keep her emotions in check, to be brave for Bob, to be strong for their children? Mothers cannot fall apart.

Dierdre already fears losing her partner, emotional support, affection, how can she not? How can she hold it together when she knows she will soon be alone? It’s not surprising to see her fishing in the past, her mind full of what ifs.

Bob wants nothing more than to spend the time he has, while his body is still functioning, loving his family and living a joyful life. Dierdre wants to support him. They reach out to family and friends, giving all their loved ones a chance to spend time with Bob. She wants to give Bob an endless party ‘until he’s had enough’. It’s a collection of last moments full of heart.

This is a beautiful, raw look at marriage, love and terminal illness. Coping with ALS isn’t what Bob nor Dierdre chose, but they must answer questions and make choices that carry unimaginable weight. ALS is a fast-moving train, there isn’t time for sparing feelings or hiding from hard facts and with fierce love Bob and Dierdre spend their last moments as a family with grace. They are not characters in some fictional weeper, it isn’t always pretty, how the body fails us, nor what our hearts demand and this memoir is a no holds barred account of loss. It is the finer moments as much as meeting Bob and Dierdre at their lowest. Beautiful.

Publication Date: November 1, 2022

Pact Press

[Nate Methot · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was understandably afraid to read this because I'm living with ALS myself, and I know how it ends. But the only tears I felt welling were from the touching relationship between Bob and Deirdre. More specifically, Bob's words of encouragement to Deirdre, building her up with the goal (his goal for her) of finding a new partner after his passing. Morose, sure, but nothing could be more genuinely touching. Find a Place for Me is a love story that just happens to take place at the most difficult time in a couple's lives.

[Farren · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautifully written love story. Although it is heartbreaking and raw and honest I feel like the main focus is love despite the ever looming death. The love that is evidenced by Bob thinking of his family and wife in a time that most would focus on their own immortality and in ways that are so thoughtful. Deirdre’s unwavering love for Bob and her children by not just giving up and giving in is tremendous. I knew going into the book it would be sad and confront death however I did not expect to be so inspired and uplifted to live in love not just by words but by actions and devotion.

[Cindy Lovell · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have a penchant for memoirs, but it’s my nature to avoid anything that may be sad, even if I anticipate a happy ending. However, even though Find a Place for Me made me cry more than once, its pages contain much more happiness and hope than I expected. It pulled me in from the beginning, when the author introduces readers to the possibility of her husband having ALS (Lou Gehrig’s disease). Her writing style is conversational and engaging, and it’s as though she is thinking out loud to get her head around the possibility, the big “what if” regarding the diagnosis. She goes on to share an intimate family journey and love story, told with humor, “as our hearts broke, one jagged shard at a time.” Her husband Bob was a generous philosopher, telling his loved ones, “Living isn’t just about being alive, it’s about what you can contribute to those around you. It’s about making the world better while you are here.” There is no lecturing, just as there are no recriminations. They seize each day with the hard-wired fervor that is survival. As they grapple with each new challenge, they also savor every second, every new memory that will ultimately bring comfort. Fagan writes, “I didn’t know what I wanted. Well, I did, but I couldn’t have what I wanted. I wanted Bob back. I wanted our lives back. I wanted this outrageously cruel fucking disease to go away. But most of all, I wanted whatever Bob wanted.” It's one thing to face adversity. It’s quite another to flourish in the face of it. Readers will fall in love with this honest telling of one family’s giant embrace in their darkest hour.

[Ruth Mitchell · Rating 5 out of 5]

What sheer honesty and openness I have not seen in a memoir since Michelle Obama wrote of her life in Becoming. That’s where the similarities end, however. Deirdre Fagan’s journey as she and her husband, Bob, deal with the enormous task of his decline, struggling with the tragic repercussions of the deadly and demoralizing disease of ALS, and his ultimate death. Tragically he not only leaves Deirdre behind, but his two small children Liam and Maeve. This gritty memoir is a study in the steel-willed grit of Deirdre and the sense of humor she and Bob work to maintain throughout their grizzly ordeal.

Having already lost her father, mother and brothers, prior to Bob’s diagnosis, to untimely deaths, Deirdre is especially vulnerable as she faces losing her best friend and father of her children.

Throughout the book Fagan shares their most intimate moments, and disturbing consequences as they march toward the agonizing end. Friends appear from all quarters, sometimes helpful, sometimes not.

Through the awful times come moments of enlightenment and love as she embraces the inevitable and learns to ask for help, struggling to maintain a “normal” for their kids.

[Suzanne Ferriss · Rating 5 out of 5]

In this life-affirming memoir, Deirdre Fagan lays bare the depths of her love for her husband Bob, who with Nietzschean force of character confronts the unfairness of his death—at 44—from ALS. In spare, elegant prose that conveys the direct force of Bob’s rapid decline and, simultaneously, their fierce love for each other and their children, Deirdre details the unimaginable: the loss of the husband who sustained her following the deaths, in sequence, of her eldest brother, mother, father and, two weeks later, youngest brother—all before she turned 40. No wonder, when faced with Bob’s illness, she herself wanted to be the one to die. But Bob won’t let her, repeatedly “kicking [her] out of the grave and giving [her] a bouquet.” It’s boldly frank and bracingly honest, with unexpected moments of levity. The book is essential reading for ALS patients and caregivers, anyone seeking advice on confronting loss, and, above all, anyone seeking a model for dying a good death. Find a Place for Me offers one inspiring example for not only surviving but overcoming profound loss.

[Cielo Prischak · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a beautifully written, candid, and tragic memoir where we follow Fagan and her family as they learn of her late husband, Bob’s, terminal diagnosis of ALS, its rapid progression in the months that followed, his ultimate death, and the effects it had on his family and friends.

This memoir was challenging to read at times because of how honestly Fagan addressed the reality of ALS; however, the Irish gallows humor that was scattered throughout brought a sense of levity and joy during a heartbreaking situation.

This is not only a story of ALS, but one of overcoming fears, courage, communication, marriage, and friendship. I loved how honest and realistic Deidre and Bob’s marriage was. It was heart-wrenching to read about them discussing Deidre finding another partner someday, but I think it was necessary for them to move forward.

I ugly cried so hard while reading this memoir and I would still recommend it.

Thank you to Netgalley for providing a free ARC in exchange for my honest feedback!

[Kimberly Barnes · Rating 5 out of 5]

Find a Place for Me by Deirdre Fagan, is a truthful account of facing a spouse’s terminal illness, and impending death from early onset ALS. Deirdre and Bob have only been married for 11 years, and have 2 young children, when at the age of 43, Bob is diagnosed with Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS). This story is filled with honesty and love as Deirdre and Bob navigate this unforeseen journey. This book is raw and honest as it presents both the hardships and the love that a terminal diagnosis brings to a family, and a marriage. This book was conversational and engaging and impossible to put down. While heartbreaking, the love that Bob and Deirdre have shines through these pages. This could happen to any of us, and I can only hope that I would face this with the grace and bravery that this couple displayed. “Till death do us part” is never more clear and honest, than in a book such as this. Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for the advance review copy in exchange for my honest review.

[Erin · Rating 5 out of 5]

With unflinching humor and tender storytelling, Find a Place for Me will have you doubled over in laughter one page and sobbing your heart out the next. Intentionally honest, Fagan details the excruciating reality that was losing the love of her life to terminal illness. Through gripping passages, you will find yourself immersed in a little world full of heartwarming quirks and unconditional love, as well as uncomfortable conversations about death, family trauma, and selfless parenthood. While Fagan discusses the pain and toll of mourning and grief at length, Find a Place for Me is proportionately humorous in it's examination of family (blood and chosen), love (platonic and romantic), and discovering one's own philosophy of life.

I am awe-inspired after reading Find a Place for Me and highly recommend this memoir.

[Tad Arapoglou · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the most emotionally powerful memoirs I have ever read, "Find a Place for Me" simultaneously captures the most painful and beautiful experiences of what it means to deeply love another. You can truly feel the emotions conveyed by the author at all times, in large part due to her willingness to put her vulnerability and honesty on full display, even (or perhaps especially) during such heartbreaking moments. Among the most impressive elements of storytelling, an extremely tragic scenario still manages to contain many humorous anecdotes throughout - I can't think of a better example to prove that life will always contain good and bad experiences within any period, regardless of how extreme. This book is a true inspiration to, in Bob's words, "never quit," and does an incredible job showcasing the love of family and community during the most difficult of times.

[Ruth Weinstein · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fagan's mantra-like repetition and scrupulous attention to detail of the key events in the last chapter of her marriage to Bob have the effect of incising the carefully constructed layers of scar tissue built up by anyone who has lived with deep grief. By making the reader painfully peel back these protections, her tragic loss and great love plumb the reader's sense of vulnerability and compassion. Lest we sink into a void of despair from the chain of deaths in her family and the grasp of grief, Fagan provides us with generous doses of hilarity and tenderness in her recollection of how she and her husband and their young children celebrated life, prepared for and lived through the death of their vibrant, charismatic husband and father.

[Katie Kalisz · Rating 5 out of 5]

Find A Place For Me is a love story more than anything else, the story of a marriage as one spouse succumbs to a terminal illness. As Fagan watches her husband’s daily decline, she “filet[s herself] one layer at a time,” doing everything she can to honor his wishes and savor the moments left, while trying to come to terms with a life after his leaving. She is a reluctant survivor, one with a “mourning season” in the fall, during which she’s lost both parents, two brothers, and now her beloved Bob. This memoir is the answer to the title’s command, a place where Bob becomes legendary; Fagan pokes “pinholes of light” by telling their story of love and death in painstaking honesty and with surprising humor.

[Jennifer Johnson · Rating 5 out of 5]

This heart-wrenching memoire about Deirdre and Bob Fagan's journey with ALS will inform you, challenge you, enchant you, and ultimately wring every emotion its possible to feel from you, page by page. Deirdre's memoir tells the unflinching truth about life with a terminal diagnosis, but it also paints a true picture of what it means for each partner in a marriage to sacrifice daily for the other's health and happiness. Through their journey, we can recognize that grief is not linear or predictable, and that while we must each travel it in our own way, it is a road better traveled when we allow others to act as lampposts and bridges and sometimes even stoplights along the way. It is, at its heart, a lesson in how to go on living until the day death comes - and how to go on living after.

[Jennifer McMurrain · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was a hard read for me for the best possible reasons. The real, raw emotions of Fagan flow through the page make you feel you're in her shoes. If you've been anywhere near her shoes, you get the overwhelming feeling of not being alone ... knowing your feelings whatever they may be, are the right ones. This book does not tiptoe around the heartache that goes with watching a loved one with a terminal diagnoses, BUT along with those hard truths lies the beauty that is hope, family, and unconditional love. This may not be an easy read, but it may be the very thing you need to read. Highly recommend.

[Michelle Hannon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Find a Place for Me is a brutally honest, beautifully written memoir about the loss of Deirdre’s husband to ALS. It made me alternately laugh out loud and sob, but its deepest impact was a feeling of awe and reverence for how both Deirdre and her husband, Bob, handled his lethal diagnosis, quick decline, and impending death with grace, humor, and a deep love and concern for each other and their young children. And then, how Deirdre had the strength to move on with her life and even to love again. I highly recommend this book. It will change you for the better.

[Carrie Weis · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found myself not merely reading a story about loss, grief, and the complexities of love but rather, I became immersed in the lives of Bob, Deirdre, Liam, and Maeve. Through Dr. Fagan's powerful writing I was transported into their world feeling fully invested in their daily lives, feeling their love and grief as Bob's disease progressed. This is a strongly crafted sharing of caregiving between Bob and Deirdre and the friends and family who reached out during their struggle. I felt all the feelings and then found comfort as Dr. Fagan shares her process of healing.

[Stacy Hankins Henning · Rating 5 out of 5]

In Find a Place for Me, Fagan writes with total authenticity about love, illness, and loss. Through a vulnerable telling the story of her husband’s illness with ALS, she invites each reader into the intimate setting of her family home and life. The reader becomes a trusted friend as Fagan shares her love story—from its earliest days to its last ones. Fagan’s style of memoir is to lay everything (beautiful, ugly, flattering, and not) on the page, and so the reader is able to see a reflection of a life truly lived—with all of its complexities—in it.

[Kelly McCauley · Rating 4 out of 5]

This memoir was well-written and was a quick read. The author does a great job showing the (often-surprising) glimmers of levity that can be found in a devastating situation. I found it particularly interesting the ways that the author processed her husband's impending death, and how her husband actively encouraged her to begin the steps of moving on, even while he was still alive. This book will give you a greater level of empathy and understand for people dealing with a terminal diagnosis.

Thank you to Netgalley for providing a free ARC in exchange for my honest feedback!

[Nancy Collander · Rating 5 out of 5]

An amazing journey of life in the face of death, joy in the face of sorrow, and above all, love. This very well-written book takes the reader along from the depths of despair to the peaks of happiness, interwoven with the ups and downs of ordinary, and extraordinary, life. I had the opportunity to hear Deirdre read snippets of her book recently and speak with her afterward - such an inspiring, strong woman! Anyone who has survived loss (or losses) of any kind will be able to relate to this story and draw strength from the author.

[Kathleen J. · Rating 5 out of 5]

I received an advance review copy of Deirdre Fagan’s lyrical, raw, and unflinching memoir, "Find a Place for Me." Fagan pulls no punches in her compelling account, of losing her husband to ALS just ten months after his diagnosis, and the heartbreaking yet life-affirming journey it sets husband, wife, and two young children on. How do death and grief morph into a romance that affirms life itself? Pick up "Find a Place for Me" and find out.

[Dina Gachman · Rating 5 out of 5]

As much as Find a Place For Me is a book about loss and terminal illness, it is also a book about love. Fagan's recounting of discovering her husband's illness, becoming a caretaker, raising children and holding down a job will resonate with anyone who has struggled to keep it all together in the face of such grief. This book brings humor, honesty, vulnerability, and, ultimately, hope in the face of loss.

[Diane Gottlieb · Rating 5 out of 5]

Find a Place for Me is a powerful testament to love and to the strength of the human spirit. It is a brave work, unapologetic in raising difficult issues regarding illness and relationships—issues that are often pushed to the side. While I recommend having a box of tissues close by when you read Fagan’s memoir, I also suggest a pen and paper. You may want to take notes, as Find a Place for Me is a worthy primer both on how to approach one’s death and how to live in the moment.

[Francis Casey · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved "Find a Place for Me." It's a raw and authentic story from Deirdre Fagan. She tells it all from the beautiful to the ugly. It is a memoir about big things - ALS, love, grief - and one about small things - the complexities of daily life while caretaking, working, and trying to keep it together. The result is a boldly vulnerable portrait of Fagan's life. You need to read this. You will cry. You will laugh. You will rate this book 5 stars.

[Shannon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely loved this book! I know what it is like to be by a loved one's side while they take their last breaths. God Bless Deirdre for to do this with her husband and for putting her thoughts, feelings, struggles and private conversations on paper for us to read. Their story made me tear up several times and made me laugh. I didn't want to keep reading as I knew what the end would bring, but also, could not stop.

[Rick Buckwalter · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a story of an incredible union between two whose bond and resolve was strengthened in the face of monumental challenges, thrust upon them suddenly,
then unrelentingly. You will come to know these extraordinary people, flaws and all, and I predict you will weep, admire their strengths, forgive them their weaknesses, laugh with them and find yourself in awe.

[Sarah Dandan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Heartbreaking, yet compelling. Her memoir confronts the daily realities of caretaking, while grieving for so many losses. I also was struck by how much hope was woven through the story. Definitely a worthwhile read.

[Melanie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I laughed a little and cried a lot while reading Find a Place for Me. Dr. Fagan’s ability to share such intimate snapshots of love, life, family and death so vividly, left an impact on me, that I hope never to forget.