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The Non-Monogamy Playbook: Exploring Polyamory and Open Relationships with Confidence
Brought to you by Penguin.
The Non-Monogamy Playbook is the handbook for anyone curious about consensual polyamory and open relationships.
This is a practical, joyful guide to the rules of non-traditional relationships. It uncovers the long history of non-monogamy, and explores why society today still favours monogamous, heteronormative relationships as gold standard.
Ruby's weaves in her own relationship learnings with humour and empathy, and offers empowering tools for dealing with the complexities - and joys - of polyamory. She provides expert but sisterly advice on setting boundaries and cultivating self-compassion, as well as ways to navigate the myriad practical considerations of sustaining multiple relationships.
The Non-Monogamy Playbook shows us that there's joy in having multiple people in your life (platonic, sexy, romantic), but with each connection there is added vulnerability. This is the ultimate modern guide to non-monogamy, helping you create confident, healthy relationships.
The Non-Monogamy Playbook is the handbook for anyone curious about consensual polyamory and open relationships.
This is a practical, joyful guide to the rules of non-traditional relationships. It uncovers the long history of non-monogamy, and explores why society today still favours monogamous, heteronormative relationships as gold standard.
Ruby's weaves in her own relationship learnings with humour and empathy, and offers empowering tools for dealing with the complexities - and joys - of polyamory. She provides expert but sisterly advice on setting boundaries and cultivating self-compassion, as well as ways to navigate the myriad practical considerations of sustaining multiple relationships.
The Non-Monogamy Playbook shows us that there's joy in having multiple people in your life (platonic, sexy, romantic), but with each connection there is added vulnerability. This is the ultimate modern guide to non-monogamy, helping you create confident, healthy relationships.
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Published January 30, 2025
43 people are currently reading
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Displaying 1 - 15 of 15 reviews
May 24, 2025
The best book I've read on non-monogamy. Warm, funny, encouraging and accessible. I loved it.
September 16, 2025
This is probably one of my least favorite books on polyamory, not because it's bad but because it doesn't speak to me. It's fairly basic and accessible, which is not where I'm at. It is also very sex-focused compared to others, which is not my vibe since I'm on the less-sexual end of the queer spectra.
All that said, this book had a great sense of humor, a comfortable and casual vibe, and was very non judgemental. It was also nice to see a polyamory book not shy away from sex since most avoid it like the plague due to the average monogamous person's prejudices. The book is largely sensitive to LGBTQ+ experiences which is rad. I'll likely recommend this to folks if they're considering opening up and are comfortable discussing sex.
It also has one of the best polyam breakup chapters that I've seen.
All that said, this book had a great sense of humor, a comfortable and casual vibe, and was very non judgemental. It was also nice to see a polyamory book not shy away from sex since most avoid it like the plague due to the average monogamous person's prejudices. The book is largely sensitive to LGBTQ+ experiences which is rad. I'll likely recommend this to folks if they're considering opening up and are comfortable discussing sex.
It also has one of the best polyam breakup chapters that I've seen.
June 9, 2025
Another compassionate and accessible book by Ruby Rare! Learned lots of new things and enjoyed the ride. Ruby narrates the audiobook which is so fun.
August 18, 2025
The Non-Monogamy Playbook by Ruby Rare
One of the strongest aspects of the book is its discussion around metamours, Rare highlights how fostering a positive relationship with your partner’s partners can make non-monogamous arrangements healthier and enjoyable for everyone involved, which is a point I hadn’t considered in depth before. I also appreciated the emphasis on the importance of community, and treating people with respect and considering their feelings - a huge issue with the polyam community today, in my opinion. There is also encouragement of mindfulness and introspection - particularly with unpacking jealousy.
The Non-Monogamy Playbook did however, have a bit of a shallow approach to intersectionality. Although Rare makes an attempt, race is addressed only superficially—reduced to the idea that a person of colour might feel uncomfortable in predominantly white spaces. However, Rare does describe herself as white-passing, which makes sense as to why she wouldn’t have groundbreaking ideas on polyam through a POC perspective.
Similarly, the book offers very little in terms of trans inclusion, disability awareness (beyond a focus on neurodivergence and communication styles), or class considerations. There is a brief discussion around elitism when Rare describes an incident at a sex party where they were not considered “desirable” enough. It rubbed me the wrong way how the discussion around this was filtered through Rare’s perspective, rather than a more nuanced discussion around how these spaces tend to exclude others based on income, gender, disability and race.
The book is a nuanced exploration of relationship ethics and like a step-by-step guide for how to meet others in the community or how to build your own. There is some encouragement to use dating apps, and whilst these can be a great way to meet others, particularly other people from different backgrounds, this deserves more nuance. Dating apps can be complicated, and even dangerous for non-men in particular, and it felt like a missed opportunity not to acknowledge the damaging effects of dating apps.
.The writing style may come down to personal preference, but I found it off-putting. Advice such as “ask your friends if they want to have sex” feels awkwardly placed amongst relatively sound advice, especially when such dynamics might evolve more organically. Unlike monogamy, non-monogamy doesn’t have a universal script to follow, so Rare’s anecdotes can be useful, but many of Rare’s feel like a bit of oversharing- in my personal opinion.
Finally, many sections—particularly around compersion (the enjoyment of seeing your partner with others)—echo points made in Lola Phoenix’s book, The Anxious Person’s Guide to Non-Monogamy. Phoenix’s disability-informed approach to topics like threesomes and men’s desire, is far more critical than Rare’s, whose tone feels a tad more positive around common (and sometimes problematic) dynamics.
Conclusion
If you’re looking for your very first introduction to non-monogamy and prefer a fun and light read, you will probably enjoy it. Personally, I didn’t learn anything here that I haven’t already read in better books— The Anxious Person’s Guide to Non-Monogamy by Lola Phoenix covers this territory with far more depth and inclusivity. The Non Monogamy Playbook may appeal to newcomers, but if you’ve read around the topic of non-monogamy through an intersectional lens, I’d give this a miss.
One of the strongest aspects of the book is its discussion around metamours, Rare highlights how fostering a positive relationship with your partner’s partners can make non-monogamous arrangements healthier and enjoyable for everyone involved, which is a point I hadn’t considered in depth before. I also appreciated the emphasis on the importance of community, and treating people with respect and considering their feelings - a huge issue with the polyam community today, in my opinion. There is also encouragement of mindfulness and introspection - particularly with unpacking jealousy.
The Non-Monogamy Playbook did however, have a bit of a shallow approach to intersectionality. Although Rare makes an attempt, race is addressed only superficially—reduced to the idea that a person of colour might feel uncomfortable in predominantly white spaces. However, Rare does describe herself as white-passing, which makes sense as to why she wouldn’t have groundbreaking ideas on polyam through a POC perspective.
Similarly, the book offers very little in terms of trans inclusion, disability awareness (beyond a focus on neurodivergence and communication styles), or class considerations. There is a brief discussion around elitism when Rare describes an incident at a sex party where they were not considered “desirable” enough. It rubbed me the wrong way how the discussion around this was filtered through Rare’s perspective, rather than a more nuanced discussion around how these spaces tend to exclude others based on income, gender, disability and race.
The book is a nuanced exploration of relationship ethics and like a step-by-step guide for how to meet others in the community or how to build your own. There is some encouragement to use dating apps, and whilst these can be a great way to meet others, particularly other people from different backgrounds, this deserves more nuance. Dating apps can be complicated, and even dangerous for non-men in particular, and it felt like a missed opportunity not to acknowledge the damaging effects of dating apps.
.The writing style may come down to personal preference, but I found it off-putting. Advice such as “ask your friends if they want to have sex” feels awkwardly placed amongst relatively sound advice, especially when such dynamics might evolve more organically. Unlike monogamy, non-monogamy doesn’t have a universal script to follow, so Rare’s anecdotes can be useful, but many of Rare’s feel like a bit of oversharing- in my personal opinion.
Finally, many sections—particularly around compersion (the enjoyment of seeing your partner with others)—echo points made in Lola Phoenix’s book, The Anxious Person’s Guide to Non-Monogamy. Phoenix’s disability-informed approach to topics like threesomes and men’s desire, is far more critical than Rare’s, whose tone feels a tad more positive around common (and sometimes problematic) dynamics.
Conclusion
If you’re looking for your very first introduction to non-monogamy and prefer a fun and light read, you will probably enjoy it. Personally, I didn’t learn anything here that I haven’t already read in better books— The Anxious Person’s Guide to Non-Monogamy by Lola Phoenix covers this territory with far more depth and inclusivity. The Non Monogamy Playbook may appeal to newcomers, but if you’ve read around the topic of non-monogamy through an intersectional lens, I’d give this a miss.
September 9, 2025
I fucking loved this book! Ruby writes so beautifully and does so in a way that bridges the gap between more academic writing and factual evidence and she makes it really accessible. I also like the way they don't shy away from the harder stuff in non-monogamy and that they don't try to sugar coat it. I am a non-monogamous babe myself as well as a sex and relationships therapist who specialises in queerness, kink, and non-monogamy and I will be recommending this book to clients, loved ones and anyone else who listens to me! Thanks for writing an accessible book that asks a lot of hard questions but ultimately shows how different relationship styles can work.
August 27, 2025
Best non monogamy book I’ve read by far!
March 1, 2025
Excellent book. At first I thought it aimed at people new to the concept of nonmonogamy. After a few initial chapters it dives into the subject in a way that anyone practicing alternative relationships could learn from and I think does a great job of challenging some ways of thinking.
November 2, 2025
I really enjoy reading books about love, dating, relationship dynamics, and it was interesting reading a book about different ways to have a relationship. With today’s dating landscape, I think people are beginning to consider the elements of what they do / don’t need out of a partner, including whether you want a more traditional dynamic. I like the focus on communication and community in the book, and how it is an unfair expectation put on some relationships that one person is meant to provide everything - be your best friend, therapist, sexual partner, activity partner - and is meant to be the sole person, which is not realistic. So I loved the focus in the book on other important relationships, especially platonic ones. But saying that, I don’t think I myself would be able to be in a polyamorous relationship, and I think there are both positive and negatives to both monogamous and non-monogamous relationships. But I think considering what you want and need out of a relationship and what is important to you is vital. A very interesting read that made me consider a lot about my relationship to sex and dating, and it was a good introduction to some of the different ways to experience sex, dating, and relationships.
July 31, 2025
Ruby Rare's insightful book is a must read for anyone who is interested in the world of Polyamory and relationship anarchy. Although clearly aimed more at people who are new to the concept, there's easily enough here for everyone to sink their teeth into. With her witty and conversational writing style, this is easily something accessible to anyone. I listened to the audiobook version of this and I cannot recommend it enough!
March 28, 2025
An easy and accessible read for those new to the concept of non-monogamy, experienced or just those interested in learning more about different relationship dynamics. Enjoyed hearing snippets of her own experience and on the research/ stats about different types of relationships.
December 31, 2025
4.5 sterne! So es geils buech, es isch lustig, liebevoll, kritisch aber au mega un-judgy, de ton hät mi total beidruckt. Verständlich gschriebe und voller liebi fürs unvorhergsehne. Und: ändli mal es non-monogamy-buech wo queer isch!!
April 18, 2025
An incredibly well written, reflective, fun and insightful book. It gave lots of perspectives, considerations and room for reflection in a readable light format.
May 4, 2025
Love love loved this. I feel so seen and my feelings are very much rationalised and echoed in here
June 24, 2025
Very thorough & super interesting !
November 20, 2025
I have followed Ruby for a few years now and enjoy her perspective on non-monogamy and relationship models in general.
I found this book less personally helpful than academically however her perspectives and real world experiences gave me a lot to think about my own relationships, past and present.
I found this book less personally helpful than academically however her perspectives and real world experiences gave me a lot to think about my own relationships, past and present.
Displaying 1 - 15 of 15 reviews