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Dear Prudence: Liberating Lessons from Slate.com’s Beloved Advice Column
Based on the long-running Slate advice column, a collection of the most eye-opening, illuminating, and provocative installments during Daniel M. Lavery’s tenure as the titular Prudence.
Every week, millions of readers visit Slate for the irresistible “Dear Prudence,” an advice column that promises a healthy dose of reality and good humor alongside its indispensable suggestions and life lessons. The ever-hilarious and insightful Danny Lavery was one of “Dear Prudence”’s most beloved columnists, and he recounts his time as Prudie in this side-splitting, candid collection—complete with new commentary and exclusive stories—drawing out the broader themes of his informative, unfailingly illuminating guidance.
From guilt and blame (“Am I in the Wrong Here?”) to downright confusion (“Maybe This Is All a Misunderstanding”), from recently discovered wrenches-in-the-machine (“The Other Shoe Just Dropped”) to the travails of parenthood (“My Kids Are Growing Up. Can Someone Please Stop This?”), Dear Prudence isn’t afraid to go the extra mile in its search for the much-needed corrective, gentle reminder, or tough love. This is the go-to guide for anyone who’s just trying to figure it all out—with a helpful nudge.
Every week, millions of readers visit Slate for the irresistible “Dear Prudence,” an advice column that promises a healthy dose of reality and good humor alongside its indispensable suggestions and life lessons. The ever-hilarious and insightful Danny Lavery was one of “Dear Prudence”’s most beloved columnists, and he recounts his time as Prudie in this side-splitting, candid collection—complete with new commentary and exclusive stories—drawing out the broader themes of his informative, unfailingly illuminating guidance.
From guilt and blame (“Am I in the Wrong Here?”) to downright confusion (“Maybe This Is All a Misunderstanding”), from recently discovered wrenches-in-the-machine (“The Other Shoe Just Dropped”) to the travails of parenthood (“My Kids Are Growing Up. Can Someone Please Stop This?”), Dear Prudence isn’t afraid to go the extra mile in its search for the much-needed corrective, gentle reminder, or tough love. This is the go-to guide for anyone who’s just trying to figure it all out—with a helpful nudge.
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First published January 1, 2023
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About the author
Daniel M. Lavery
20 books964 followersAlso see Mallory Ortberg and Daniel Mallory Ortberg.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 78 reviews
May 21, 2023
If you loved Tiny Beautiful Things, or pored over Agony Aunt articles in your mother’s magazines as a kid, you’re going to want to read Dear Prudence. I loved the letters, Lavery’s responses, and Lavery’s approach overall. He’s open to admitting when, in retrospect, he gave bad advice, and offers us a version of what he could have said instead. It shouldn’t be refreshing to see someone admit, in print, that they got something wrong – but it is!
My full review of Dear Prudence can be found on Keeping Up With The Penguins.
My full review of Dear Prudence can be found on Keeping Up With The Penguins.
July 30, 2023
This was the ideal audiobook listening experience to me, and I am very sad it's over. The questions are fascinating. Lavery is a great narrator. I'll likely listen to this again and only wish I had a dozen more.
Read
March 30, 2024Daniel Lavery is one of my favorite writers, so this was great. Perhaps less funny than I usually expect from him, but the advice was thoughtful and insightful so I can hardly complain.
April 27, 2023
Dear ashes ➷,
I'm writing because I still don't know whether I should read Daniel M. Lavery's new book, Dear Prudence. I seem to know a shocking amount of things about it, though!
Firstly, I've read some things from Lavery before, and I love the chatty, eloquent, effortlessly unique way he puts things, whether it's in his fiction, blogging, or elsewhere. That same voice is present here, and it takes on at times an almost whimsical quality as Lavery advises people: "Ask yourself that time-honored question, 'Do I sound like a villain in a Reese Witherspoon movie?'" or "Here it is again: another beautiful opportunity not to have a problem," or, my favorite, "Mind your own business, attempt to cultivate joy in your own heart, and leave your neighbor alone."
Similar to Lavery's book Texts From Jane Eyre, Dear Prudence makes for a perfect bathroom book, though this time because (like You'll Never Believe What Happened to Lacey) it has a kind of AITA-like quality in that you get to sit down and read some other people's insane drama. (Lavery himself notes that these stories can be a balm either because they remind you that you're not alone, or, failing that, that at least your problems aren't these problems.) Despite the easy pick-it-up-put-it-down element of all the bite-sized stories, though, it's gripping enough that it's easy to just sit down and read it all the way through, forgetting the rest of your engagements along the way.
There's also something to be said for the selection-- while Lavery doesn't avoid the useful everyday questions surrounding more relatable coworker, spouse, and friend issues, he also never forgets the best of the worst: from a mother-in-law who won't let the newlyweds buy a house because she thinks it's haunted (sight unseen), to a woman pressured to take back her man from people who don't know he cheated on her with his (yes, his-- this will be important in a moment) sister (YUP), to a man asking if sexting his wife's aunt is really cheating (which begs one question: if not, WHAT IS?). I'm glad I read this right before Passover, because I'm sometimes unable to effectively shock people into silence at overlong seders, and now I know that problem is solved.
So you get a great selection of stuff that's helpful to you IRL, stuff that's interesting to ponder hypothetically, and stuff that's just batshit insane. On top of the original answers, though, Lavery has added further reflection upon answers he feels he could have improved or would now respond to differently, several overall thoughts on themes that come up repeatedly at the heads of chapters, and a lovely introduction.
In fact, the only critique I can come up with is that sometimes these forewords to Lavery's answers feel less necessary (in which case I can skim them, anyhow) and that I wish there was also an afterword to lend a greater sense of resolution to the book, which otherwise stops pretty abruptly. Still, other than that, I'm having trouble finding anything not to recommend it.
So: should I read it?
Sincerely,
Under Review
I'm not sure if I even have to tell you this, but yes. Whoever you are, you absolutely should.
I'm writing because I still don't know whether I should read Daniel M. Lavery's new book, Dear Prudence. I seem to know a shocking amount of things about it, though!
Firstly, I've read some things from Lavery before, and I love the chatty, eloquent, effortlessly unique way he puts things, whether it's in his fiction, blogging, or elsewhere. That same voice is present here, and it takes on at times an almost whimsical quality as Lavery advises people: "Ask yourself that time-honored question, 'Do I sound like a villain in a Reese Witherspoon movie?'" or "Here it is again: another beautiful opportunity not to have a problem," or, my favorite, "Mind your own business, attempt to cultivate joy in your own heart, and leave your neighbor alone."
Similar to Lavery's book Texts From Jane Eyre, Dear Prudence makes for a perfect bathroom book, though this time because (like You'll Never Believe What Happened to Lacey) it has a kind of AITA-like quality in that you get to sit down and read some other people's insane drama. (Lavery himself notes that these stories can be a balm either because they remind you that you're not alone, or, failing that, that at least your problems aren't these problems.) Despite the easy pick-it-up-put-it-down element of all the bite-sized stories, though, it's gripping enough that it's easy to just sit down and read it all the way through, forgetting the rest of your engagements along the way.
There's also something to be said for the selection-- while Lavery doesn't avoid the useful everyday questions surrounding more relatable coworker, spouse, and friend issues, he also never forgets the best of the worst: from a mother-in-law who won't let the newlyweds buy a house because she thinks it's haunted (sight unseen), to a woman pressured to take back her man from people who don't know he cheated on her with his (yes, his-- this will be important in a moment) sister (YUP), to a man asking if sexting his wife's aunt is really cheating (which begs one question: if not, WHAT IS?). I'm glad I read this right before Passover, because I'm sometimes unable to effectively shock people into silence at overlong seders, and now I know that problem is solved.
So you get a great selection of stuff that's helpful to you IRL, stuff that's interesting to ponder hypothetically, and stuff that's just batshit insane. On top of the original answers, though, Lavery has added further reflection upon answers he feels he could have improved or would now respond to differently, several overall thoughts on themes that come up repeatedly at the heads of chapters, and a lovely introduction.
In fact, the only critique I can come up with is that sometimes these forewords to Lavery's answers feel less necessary (in which case I can skim them, anyhow) and that I wish there was also an afterword to lend a greater sense of resolution to the book, which otherwise stops pretty abruptly. Still, other than that, I'm having trouble finding anything not to recommend it.
So: should I read it?
Sincerely,
Under Review
I'm not sure if I even have to tell you this, but yes. Whoever you are, you absolutely should.
Read
February 12, 2023I am hesitant to give this book a rating for many reasons- there is quite a bit of Lavery's personal history included amongst these advice columns, and it always feels odd to rate someone's life. But.... I still have thoughts, of course.
I hit the NetGalley request button so hard when this popped up, I have always loved advice columns. I'm familiar with Dear Prudence and have enjoyed reading the column in the past. And honestly, what is an advice column if not an opportunity to experience Schadenfreude- sometimes TWICE in one letter! First when we read whatever misery the writer has taken the time to ask about, and then sometimes again when the columnist (in this case, Lavery) rips a fool to shreds when appropriate. And Lavery does deliver some pretty satisfying rips and I wholeheartedly say this book might be worth it simply for those stellar moments.
It's the lack of organization and odd in-between editorialization that lost me a bit. I am not convinced of the coherence of all of the chapter topics that the columns are grouped under, and while Lavery's personal story is compelling, I did feel at times that we were being asked to pat him on the back for this or that, and there is a longer section regarding his family's atrocious behavior as members of an abusive church system that probably deserved its own book, but placed in the middle of a collection of advice columns it was glaringly out of place and felt self-serving.
Anyway, I would definitely say this is a great one to pick up if you like advice columns with heart and a hefty amount of sass!
Thanks to NetGalley and HarperOne for the review copy, and while I am optimistic about the tentative agreement, I want to emphasize that I stand with the union!
I hit the NetGalley request button so hard when this popped up, I have always loved advice columns. I'm familiar with Dear Prudence and have enjoyed reading the column in the past. And honestly, what is an advice column if not an opportunity to experience Schadenfreude- sometimes TWICE in one letter! First when we read whatever misery the writer has taken the time to ask about, and then sometimes again when the columnist (in this case, Lavery) rips a fool to shreds when appropriate. And Lavery does deliver some pretty satisfying rips and I wholeheartedly say this book might be worth it simply for those stellar moments.
It's the lack of organization and odd in-between editorialization that lost me a bit. I am not convinced of the coherence of all of the chapter topics that the columns are grouped under, and while Lavery's personal story is compelling, I did feel at times that we were being asked to pat him on the back for this or that, and there is a longer section regarding his family's atrocious behavior as members of an abusive church system that probably deserved its own book, but placed in the middle of a collection of advice columns it was glaringly out of place and felt self-serving.
Anyway, I would definitely say this is a great one to pick up if you like advice columns with heart and a hefty amount of sass!
Thanks to NetGalley and HarperOne for the review copy, and while I am optimistic about the tentative agreement, I want to emphasize that I stand with the union!
November 13, 2022
Who doesn't love a good advice letter! This is a beautifully written book containing many of the letters Daniel answered as the resident advice columnist for Slate (Dear Prudence)
I have read Dear Prudence for years and jumped at the chance to preview this book. DP has been authored by several names and I enjoyed Daniel's voice very much. What I love about this book is that Daniel includes his own personal life and how it affected his work. For instance, at one point he began transitioning and identified as trans) which created some large scale family issues and periods where he was very much alone. I think that only someone who has experienced the sort of family dysfunction that causes you to cut ties is the only sort of t person that can give advice when it comes to truly toxic family issues.
Best of all, Daniel includes lots of anecdotes and information about writing the column - things you probably wondered such as what are the most common questions or themes, how to the advice columnists feel about their job, do they recieve updates, are they ever schamed (and if so, what is the point).
What really struck me is Daniel's use of language and the window he created into the life of an advice columnist. That, and of course the letters. As Daniel states, we love to read advice columnist letters as they give us (usually) a no-stakes situation to compare our own life to, and to even imagine the different ways we would address the issues. I don't read DP as much any more but I recommend this book for anyone who loves an advice letter! Incidentally, Danny also has a great advice podcast on Slate called Big Mood, Little Mood #Harperone
I have read Dear Prudence for years and jumped at the chance to preview this book. DP has been authored by several names and I enjoyed Daniel's voice very much. What I love about this book is that Daniel includes his own personal life and how it affected his work. For instance, at one point he began transitioning and identified as trans) which created some large scale family issues and periods where he was very much alone. I think that only someone who has experienced the sort of family dysfunction that causes you to cut ties is the only sort of t person that can give advice when it comes to truly toxic family issues.
Best of all, Daniel includes lots of anecdotes and information about writing the column - things you probably wondered such as what are the most common questions or themes, how to the advice columnists feel about their job, do they recieve updates, are they ever schamed (and if so, what is the point).
What really struck me is Daniel's use of language and the window he created into the life of an advice columnist. That, and of course the letters. As Daniel states, we love to read advice columnist letters as they give us (usually) a no-stakes situation to compare our own life to, and to even imagine the different ways we would address the issues. I don't read DP as much any more but I recommend this book for anyone who loves an advice letter! Incidentally, Danny also has a great advice podcast on Slate called Big Mood, Little Mood #Harperone
November 19, 2022
Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for providing me with an advanced copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.
3.5 rounded up to 4 stars.
Spoilers ahead. I will not reveal anything big - most of the review vaguely alludes to plot, structure, and characters.
---
This was a great sort of peek-behind-the-curtain look at the process of Dear Abby and advice columnists in general. I really loved learning about the perosn behind the pen, but that is also where this book fell short for me - I wanted to learn more about Lavery, rather than only get small vignettes from him in between the letters. It was, however, interesting to see which letters affect the advice-giver and why. Overall, I'm giving this a 3.5 for entertainment value, though I really wanted something a little more substantive and reflective between those letters.
---
Again, thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for providing me with an advanced copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.
3.5 rounded up to 4 stars.
Spoilers ahead. I will not reveal anything big - most of the review vaguely alludes to plot, structure, and characters.
---
This was a great sort of peek-behind-the-curtain look at the process of Dear Abby and advice columnists in general. I really loved learning about the perosn behind the pen, but that is also where this book fell short for me - I wanted to learn more about Lavery, rather than only get small vignettes from him in between the letters. It was, however, interesting to see which letters affect the advice-giver and why. Overall, I'm giving this a 3.5 for entertainment value, though I really wanted something a little more substantive and reflective between those letters.
---
Again, thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for providing me with an advanced copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.
November 30, 2023
i thought this was going to be more like cheryl strayed’s tiny beautiful things and altho it was seemingly good advice it wasn’t particularly heartwarming like tiny beautiful things. low star rating is prob my fault for too high of expectations
November 19, 2022
Thanks to NetGallery and the publisher for the advanced copy of this book.
Reall loved reading all the letters and advice given
Reall loved reading all the letters and advice given
May 15, 2023
Anyone who grew up with magazines and newspapers is familiar with the advice column. Maybe it’s the voyeuristic glimpse into people’s lives pre-social media, maybe it’s the advice that you can take and apply to your own life. They are always popular and (perhaps fortunately) still so in the digital era with advice from Slate’s Dear Prudence through to various Reddit forums and social media. Daniel M. Lavery’s collection of Dear Prudence columns goes deeper than all that, reflecting on the answers he gave and what he would change. Plus, the problems explored aren’t small and solved easily. The book involves some majorly complex problems that simply can’t be solved but need to be managed in a variety of ways.
The book opens with Lavery’s reflection on his time as Prudence and how he reflected on his own coping and solving methods before being divided up into chapters based on the problem types, from family and workmates to pandemics and transitioning. For the latter, Lavery reflects on his own transition and gives carefully thought-out answers, noting that his experience may vary from others and sharing that. Many of the letters are introduced with a short explanation by Lavery, sometimes reflecting on how he would answer differently or just letting the reading know that the following letter is a doozy. (There are definitely several that made me pause and blink several times!)
I think what sets apart both Lavery’s responses and the Dear Prudence column is that the issues are treated with respect and seriousness, even if the letter writer is out of line. Lavery never makes fun of the writer, even when doling out tough love. He also never sugar-coats the answer. Limitations are acknowledged and he often sets out multiple options to the writer with their advantages and disadvantages. Where it’s all too common to take a cheap shot for laughs, Lavery refuses. That’s not to say that you can’t crack a smile when reading the answer. Lavery also has experience with serious family issues, as detailed in the book, so the writer knows that he understands the problem. He is never rash with his advice, even though revenge and retaliating in the heat of the moment can be tempting…
The selection of questions/letters presented in Dear Prudence is just right – from the relatable to whoa-what?! The advice is great and its readable enough to turn ‘just one more letter’ into ‘just one more chapter’.
Thank you to Scribe for the copy of this book. My review and opinions are honest.
http://samstillreading.wordpress.com
The book opens with Lavery’s reflection on his time as Prudence and how he reflected on his own coping and solving methods before being divided up into chapters based on the problem types, from family and workmates to pandemics and transitioning. For the latter, Lavery reflects on his own transition and gives carefully thought-out answers, noting that his experience may vary from others and sharing that. Many of the letters are introduced with a short explanation by Lavery, sometimes reflecting on how he would answer differently or just letting the reading know that the following letter is a doozy. (There are definitely several that made me pause and blink several times!)
I think what sets apart both Lavery’s responses and the Dear Prudence column is that the issues are treated with respect and seriousness, even if the letter writer is out of line. Lavery never makes fun of the writer, even when doling out tough love. He also never sugar-coats the answer. Limitations are acknowledged and he often sets out multiple options to the writer with their advantages and disadvantages. Where it’s all too common to take a cheap shot for laughs, Lavery refuses. That’s not to say that you can’t crack a smile when reading the answer. Lavery also has experience with serious family issues, as detailed in the book, so the writer knows that he understands the problem. He is never rash with his advice, even though revenge and retaliating in the heat of the moment can be tempting…
The selection of questions/letters presented in Dear Prudence is just right – from the relatable to whoa-what?! The advice is great and its readable enough to turn ‘just one more letter’ into ‘just one more chapter’.
Thank you to Scribe for the copy of this book. My review and opinions are honest.
http://samstillreading.wordpress.com
July 6, 2023
I used to be so obsessed with reading r/relationships or r/AITA and this book was exactly like that. Nothing particularly standout or clever, but it definitely scratches that itch of reading about people in way worse and more insane social circumstances than me lol.
A lot of the editing between snippets seemed unbalanced? Sometimes Daniel would add additional thoughtful notes, but sometimes it was completely trite commentary linking together two letters with the grace you'd find in a grade school essay, and sometimes it was a multi-page long sojourn into autobiography.
The intro was probably the strongest part of the book and I was puzzled by the complete lack of an outro or even just concluding few paragraphs.
A lot of the editing between snippets seemed unbalanced? Sometimes Daniel would add additional thoughtful notes, but sometimes it was completely trite commentary linking together two letters with the grace you'd find in a grade school essay, and sometimes it was a multi-page long sojourn into autobiography.
The intro was probably the strongest part of the book and I was puzzled by the complete lack of an outro or even just concluding few paragraphs.
December 13, 2022
Dear Prudence is an advice column I’ve enjoyed.Reading a bit about the man behind the column especially one with an interesting history was fun.Well written look at letters advice even mistakes made.Well written kept me reading.#netgalley #harperone.
September 14, 2023
Who doesn't love a good advice column? I guess if you don't, this is not the book for you. But, if you're a Dear Prudence reader or like advice columns in general then I think you would enjoy this book. Daniel Lavery was the 4th "Prudence" answering the Dear Prudence column on slate.com. He explains how he got the role and his take on answering advice column questions. The book is basically divided into sections based on the topic of the questions and includes several questions and Lavery's responses. I liked that he sometimes added or noted where he would now give different advice or an update to his original advice. Overall, it was a quick, fun read and I always liked reading the Dear Prudence column so it was nice to have a longer collection all together here.
Also, as an aside, until reading this book I did not realize that Daniel (who was Mallory Ortberg pre-transition) was John Ortberg's child. I knew John Ortberg from his Christian living books. Sadly, John Ortberg was forced to resign his role as head pastor of his church after Daniel found out his younger brother, John Ortberg III, had inappropriate feelings towards children and was allowed to continue serving in Children's ministry in their father's church. While I applaud Daniel for forcing this issue to be handled properly, it's extremely disappointing to see yet another Christian pastor/leader go down in flames because of not addressing inappropriate behavior in their church. Lavery tells this story not just to tell it but to highlight his own issues with family estrangement as those kinds of questions were often submitted to the Dear Prudence column and he has some very personal experience with that.
Also, as an aside, until reading this book I did not realize that Daniel (who was Mallory Ortberg pre-transition) was John Ortberg's child. I knew John Ortberg from his Christian living books. Sadly, John Ortberg was forced to resign his role as head pastor of his church after Daniel found out his younger brother, John Ortberg III, had inappropriate feelings towards children and was allowed to continue serving in Children's ministry in their father's church. While I applaud Daniel for forcing this issue to be handled properly, it's extremely disappointing to see yet another Christian pastor/leader go down in flames because of not addressing inappropriate behavior in their church. Lavery tells this story not just to tell it but to highlight his own issues with family estrangement as those kinds of questions were often submitted to the Dear Prudence column and he has some very personal experience with that.
February 19, 2025
I do always read the Agony Aunts in the paper, but a whole book of letters feels like too much. Fortunately, Daniel also uses the book as a sort of confessional, which serves to reveal that he can indeed empathize with the particulars of each person's situation as they describe it to him. He definitely knows how hard things can be... and that advice is absolutely not a 'one size fits all' magic cure.
Definitely not just for queer people or our allies.
I'm going through it one letter at a time, trying to 1. figure out what I would say if I were Prudence and 2. guessing what Lavery said. We do tend to agree, pretty much. He's better at seeing the individual and being tactful than I would be, though.
---
OK done.
My husband can't seem to understand this when I tell him: "...telling him what you want, what you need, what's hurting you, and what's working for you are not demands that he should start going through the motions to meet. It's an opportunity for greater intimacy."
I like the suggestion that, if you're not sure someone wants to hear an apology beyond 'oh, gosh, I'm sorry,' for example a more considered apology to a bigger infraction after an estrangement... if you want to make an apology mainly to get the weight off your own chest or in hopes that they'll be glad to forgive you... don't reach out w/ the apology directly. First ask if they want to hear one.
If family or someone who used to be close has been awful to you, it's ok to protect yourself. "Being unwilling to accept abuse is not abandonment."
And finally a mea culpa: "Trying to appeal to your daughter by reminding her what a great kid she used to be will likely make her feel as if you're questioning where she went wrong or are unwilling to see her as an adult."
Overall, this book is definitely worth reading if you're interested, definitely not if you're not.
Definitely not just for queer people or our allies.
I'm going through it one letter at a time, trying to 1. figure out what I would say if I were Prudence and 2. guessing what Lavery said. We do tend to agree, pretty much. He's better at seeing the individual and being tactful than I would be, though.
---
OK done.
My husband can't seem to understand this when I tell him: "...telling him what you want, what you need, what's hurting you, and what's working for you are not demands that he should start going through the motions to meet. It's an opportunity for greater intimacy."
I like the suggestion that, if you're not sure someone wants to hear an apology beyond 'oh, gosh, I'm sorry,' for example a more considered apology to a bigger infraction after an estrangement... if you want to make an apology mainly to get the weight off your own chest or in hopes that they'll be glad to forgive you... don't reach out w/ the apology directly. First ask if they want to hear one.
If family or someone who used to be close has been awful to you, it's ok to protect yourself. "Being unwilling to accept abuse is not abandonment."
And finally a mea culpa: "Trying to appeal to your daughter by reminding her what a great kid she used to be will likely make her feel as if you're questioning where she went wrong or are unwilling to see her as an adult."
Overall, this book is definitely worth reading if you're interested, definitely not if you're not.
August 10, 2023
Danny Lavery is a treasure.
The columnist is nobody particularly special except by virtue of their position, possesses no specialized professional or educational training, is not a subject-matter expert, and may hold no personal charm for the individual reader. The columnist is simply in the column, standing by and prepared to offer a best guess, with no real lasting authority to worry either letter writer or letter reader.
The letter readers I think I understood a little better, having been one myself for so many years during my commute, slow afternoons in the office, or particularly sleepless nights. It's something akin to the pleasure found in the general genre of "self-help" inasmuch as it offers a project of relentless self-inspection and the hope of endless potential improvement— that is to say, the promise of constant forward momentum at exactly the moment when one feels most confounded uselessly or ruminative — yet without the requisite personal buy-in of a self-help book or seminar or what have you, and in much smaller, more manageable doses. There is also the quiet, private gratification of gawking at someone else's problems without having to commit a vulgarity like eavesdropping or going through their mail. Putting one's oar in is a national pastime, and advice columns provide as healthy an outlet for that shared impulse as any. At least I'm not the only one with this problem can feel just as good as At least I don't have her problems, and the syndicated advice column offers both in spades.
June 23, 2023
3.5 stars. I’m obsessed with advice columns, because nothing is better than tea about people you don’t know, and nothing is better than solutions to problems you haven’t had yet. Daniel M. Lavery, whom I have long loved since his days on The Toast, takes us through his career as Slate’s Dear Prudence, showing us the advice that worked and that didn’t, and whether he’d write it the same way today. It’s easy to tell if you’ll like this; do you like reading advice columns? If yes, then give it a go.
October 6, 2023
I hadn't actually read any of Daniel Lavery's work in advice columns and I love his writing but sometimes feel a little daunted by the quantity of classical references I don't know anything about so I was hesitant to start reading this. But obviously advice columns are short and sweet and highly readable so it was a pleasure once I got started. I also found some advice that I found comforting for problems of my own.
April 26, 2024
3.5⭐️ I was obsessed with Dear Prudence back in the 2010s when Prudie was a different author than the one of this book. While his advice is generally good, I think I prefer a columnist with less of an agenda and more good old-fashion advice. I did enjoy many of the Q&As included in this book, but I think I’ve read better Prudences.
April 27, 2024
Dear Prudence
OK, I really liked this.. I liked Dear Abby when I was a kid, so what was not to like about this?
4 stars
Happy Reading!
OK, I really liked this.. I liked Dear Abby when I was a kid, so what was not to like about this?
4 stars
Happy Reading!
April 20, 2024
Enjoyable! The author narrates, and narrates well. It’s a cool window into other people’s lives and worries and levels of self-awareness to pick up a book like this. And Danny was a great Prudie.
January 28, 2024
Did not finish. Lavery is a smart and thoughtful writer and i loved his work for many years. Still, i was disappointed in this book… it spends a touch too much time luxuriating in its self-righteousness and certain US liberal assumptions (eg parents shouldn’t interfere in or express opinions about the lives of their children) that i agree with but the letter writers wouldn’t. An advice column that does not really totally come from empathy for those who have sought advice is bound to have more judgment than transformation, and i worry that exposure to it is damaging for my better nature. I understand that maybe these topics specifically are colored deeply by his experiences with his own family. But not all familial concern is toxic and not all family is unredeemable, and advice to “just leave them alone and seek therapy” ignores the opportunity to give the letter writer the kind of good, solid advice that one might hope a therapist could.
September 30, 2023
My major issue with this was how much of the advice I’d already read
February 28, 2023
Received a complimentary ARC of Dear Prudence by Daniel M. Lavery from HarperOne/NetGalley. Scroll past the BOOK REPORT section for a cut-and-paste of the DESCRIPTION of it if you want to read my thoughts on the book in the context of a summary.
BOOK REPORT
I have long loved reading advice columns. They offer a window into other people’s lives, a chance to watch cultural norms shift in real time, and an education on how to manage many of life’s difficulties, both large and small.
Plus, I’m nosy as all hell. I have a particularly prurient interest in the problems of strangers; the idea that friends and family might have similar issues at play makes me feel a bit squeamish. Like, I didn’t want to know _that_ about y’all. Plus, if friends and family share their problems with me, I feel compelled to come up with what I perceive to be some constructive guidance on how to manage their given situations. Usually that involves me asking them what they want the outcome/s to be and letting them come up with their own answer, but sometimes even that can feel difficult to do. No such compunction with the aforementioned strangers.
So, of course I jumped at the chance to read Dear Prudence by Daniel M. Lavery. I remember loving the column when I first came across it at Slate; it seemed to me much more witty and modern than my beloved Ann Landers and Dear Abby. It’s been a while since I read it online, so this seemed to be a good way to catch up.
And it was.
It also was an enjoyable read for the most part; would give it 3.5 stars if but only I could. Mr Lavery is at his best when witty; there were times I very literally laughed out loud.
Unfortunately, the Epigraph and Introduction sections were both bits of a slog; the writing was nowhere near as pithy as in the ensuing chapters. It was interesting to learn about how many different Prudences there have been over the years, and how Mr Lavery was the first one of them to have transitioned gender while in the role. But it was weird that the Epigraph included a letter but no answer, and then the Introduction included a reference to what happened as the result of Prudence’s answer to said letter……but not the actual answer! One can perhaps hope this is something that will be addressed in the final editing process?
Something else I specifically think should be addressed in that process is those phrases at the beginning of each chapter that summarize what’s upcoming. I dunno, maybe they’ll look better in the finished product/be easier to read? I found them distracting to the point of being offputting. They cluttered things up, didn’t add value. Unnecessary vs punctuating repetition. (I’m sure there’s a publishing term for phrases like that, but I don’t know it and can’t be bothered to try to find it out right now. Will save that for 3 o’clock some morning when I am regretting so very, very many of my life choices and need a distraction.)
Hmm, let’s see, what else? There was something else…..
Oh, I know! For some reason every time I started typing Prudence today it kept coming out Produce. Now I have gotten my self tickled, imagining the concept of an advice column titled Dear Produce. Would guidance offered by tomatoes vary dramatically from that proffered by, say, bananas? Would turnips have a more conservative view than kumquats? Should avocados have the final say?
Well. That’s just about enough of that, now, isn’t it?
PS
I don’t recommend reading all of this in just one or two sessions. A little advice column goes a long way….
DESCRIPTION
Based on the long-running Slate advice column, a collection of the most eye-opening, illuminating, and provocative installments during Daniel M. Lavery’s tenure as the titular Prudence.
Every week, millions of readers visit Slate for the irresistible “Dear Prudence,” an advice column that promises a healthy dose of reality and good humor alongside its indispensable suggestions and life lessons. The ever-hilarious and insightful Danny Lavery was one of “Dear Prudence”’s most beloved columnists, and he recounts his time as Prudie in this side-splitting, candid collection—complete with new commentary and exclusive stories—drawing out the broader themes of his informative, unfailingly illuminating guidance.
From guilt and blame (“Am I in the Wrong Here?”) to downright confusion (“Maybe This Is All a Misunderstanding”), from recently discovered wrenches-in-the-machine (“The Other Shoe Just Dropped”) to the travails of parenthood (“My Kids Are Growing Up. Can Someone Please Stop This?”), Dear Prudence isn’t afraid to go the extra mile in its search for the much-needed corrective, gentle reminder, or tough love. This is the go-to guide for anyone who’s just trying to figure it all out—with a helpful nudge.
BOOK REPORT
I have long loved reading advice columns. They offer a window into other people’s lives, a chance to watch cultural norms shift in real time, and an education on how to manage many of life’s difficulties, both large and small.
Plus, I’m nosy as all hell. I have a particularly prurient interest in the problems of strangers; the idea that friends and family might have similar issues at play makes me feel a bit squeamish. Like, I didn’t want to know _that_ about y’all. Plus, if friends and family share their problems with me, I feel compelled to come up with what I perceive to be some constructive guidance on how to manage their given situations. Usually that involves me asking them what they want the outcome/s to be and letting them come up with their own answer, but sometimes even that can feel difficult to do. No such compunction with the aforementioned strangers.
So, of course I jumped at the chance to read Dear Prudence by Daniel M. Lavery. I remember loving the column when I first came across it at Slate; it seemed to me much more witty and modern than my beloved Ann Landers and Dear Abby. It’s been a while since I read it online, so this seemed to be a good way to catch up.
And it was.
It also was an enjoyable read for the most part; would give it 3.5 stars if but only I could. Mr Lavery is at his best when witty; there were times I very literally laughed out loud.
Unfortunately, the Epigraph and Introduction sections were both bits of a slog; the writing was nowhere near as pithy as in the ensuing chapters. It was interesting to learn about how many different Prudences there have been over the years, and how Mr Lavery was the first one of them to have transitioned gender while in the role. But it was weird that the Epigraph included a letter but no answer, and then the Introduction included a reference to what happened as the result of Prudence’s answer to said letter……but not the actual answer! One can perhaps hope this is something that will be addressed in the final editing process?
Something else I specifically think should be addressed in that process is those phrases at the beginning of each chapter that summarize what’s upcoming. I dunno, maybe they’ll look better in the finished product/be easier to read? I found them distracting to the point of being offputting. They cluttered things up, didn’t add value. Unnecessary vs punctuating repetition. (I’m sure there’s a publishing term for phrases like that, but I don’t know it and can’t be bothered to try to find it out right now. Will save that for 3 o’clock some morning when I am regretting so very, very many of my life choices and need a distraction.)
Hmm, let’s see, what else? There was something else…..
Oh, I know! For some reason every time I started typing Prudence today it kept coming out Produce. Now I have gotten my self tickled, imagining the concept of an advice column titled Dear Produce. Would guidance offered by tomatoes vary dramatically from that proffered by, say, bananas? Would turnips have a more conservative view than kumquats? Should avocados have the final say?
Well. That’s just about enough of that, now, isn’t it?
PS
I don’t recommend reading all of this in just one or two sessions. A little advice column goes a long way….
DESCRIPTION
Based on the long-running Slate advice column, a collection of the most eye-opening, illuminating, and provocative installments during Daniel M. Lavery’s tenure as the titular Prudence.
Every week, millions of readers visit Slate for the irresistible “Dear Prudence,” an advice column that promises a healthy dose of reality and good humor alongside its indispensable suggestions and life lessons. The ever-hilarious and insightful Danny Lavery was one of “Dear Prudence”’s most beloved columnists, and he recounts his time as Prudie in this side-splitting, candid collection—complete with new commentary and exclusive stories—drawing out the broader themes of his informative, unfailingly illuminating guidance.
From guilt and blame (“Am I in the Wrong Here?”) to downright confusion (“Maybe This Is All a Misunderstanding”), from recently discovered wrenches-in-the-machine (“The Other Shoe Just Dropped”) to the travails of parenthood (“My Kids Are Growing Up. Can Someone Please Stop This?”), Dear Prudence isn’t afraid to go the extra mile in its search for the much-needed corrective, gentle reminder, or tough love. This is the go-to guide for anyone who’s just trying to figure it all out—with a helpful nudge.
Read
August 18, 2025I was looking for books on virtue theory and searched "Prudence", and landed on this book - certainly not a book on virtue theory, but I decided to give it a go. I am not otherwise familiar at all with Slate nor the Dear Prudence column, nor the author.
While this alone does not determine whether a book is good or bad, I do want to state that I strongly disagree with many of the values presented and advocated for in this book. Sometimes advice that came from those values was still good advice given the particular situations described, and at about half the time my values did align with those of the author and I appreciated the advice that was given, but I did want to note that as part of my review. Conservative-leaning readers may not like this book.
Nonetheless, the book was by and large an entertaining read, and in a genre, advice column, with which I am wholly unfamiliar. I wasn't particularly drawn in by the sanctimony, but nonetheless the author's reflections on the stories presented herein was often sharp and witty, which I liked. The whole thing was also just very well written from a perspective of English-language craft.
I found a particular strength in the book's content was the way apologies and boundaries were formulated. Often, the author gave scripts of these kinds to people that wrote in, and these scripts were always very clear, grounded, and sober. I also found the content to be very psychoanalytic in style (I am unsure if the author was doing so intentionally or if this was purely implicit) so I enjoyed being exposed to that aspect of it. In these two ways was it a helpful book for me in my practice as a psychotherapist.
Would I recommend this book - not really? Mostly because I don't really know people that like this genre, and I'm not really interested in espousing a lot of the values presented here. Though, I could imagine at least parts of it being a good read for people looking to engage in very intentional self-reflection especially around their boundaries with other people, or when other people have set boundaries with them that they don't understand.
I would classify this book most certainly as 18+ due to the mature nature of some of the questions.
While this alone does not determine whether a book is good or bad, I do want to state that I strongly disagree with many of the values presented and advocated for in this book. Sometimes advice that came from those values was still good advice given the particular situations described, and at about half the time my values did align with those of the author and I appreciated the advice that was given, but I did want to note that as part of my review. Conservative-leaning readers may not like this book.
Nonetheless, the book was by and large an entertaining read, and in a genre, advice column, with which I am wholly unfamiliar. I wasn't particularly drawn in by the sanctimony, but nonetheless the author's reflections on the stories presented herein was often sharp and witty, which I liked. The whole thing was also just very well written from a perspective of English-language craft.
I found a particular strength in the book's content was the way apologies and boundaries were formulated. Often, the author gave scripts of these kinds to people that wrote in, and these scripts were always very clear, grounded, and sober. I also found the content to be very psychoanalytic in style (I am unsure if the author was doing so intentionally or if this was purely implicit) so I enjoyed being exposed to that aspect of it. In these two ways was it a helpful book for me in my practice as a psychotherapist.
Would I recommend this book - not really? Mostly because I don't really know people that like this genre, and I'm not really interested in espousing a lot of the values presented here. Though, I could imagine at least parts of it being a good read for people looking to engage in very intentional self-reflection especially around their boundaries with other people, or when other people have set boundaries with them that they don't understand.
I would classify this book most certainly as 18+ due to the mature nature of some of the questions.
July 13, 2024
The last (and actually also the first) time I read this kind of book was about 30 years ago and it was by Ann Landers. Gee! questions in those days were noticeably of substantially different nature than they are now, especially on gender identity which was virtually non-existent then and there are way more questions of lustful behavior as well :-(
The reason I'm interested in this book is what I skimmed from Slate web site in the past but it turns out that the author is not the current person on Slate's. My overall impression turns out to be that the advice is somewhat repetitive here and there. For example, psychotherapist is frequently advised but I doubt if it will work sufficiently.
The author's advice style is professional, prudent and with western style critical thinking but I could not help but wish that she possesses wider repertoire such as Buddhist's philosophy because I notice more westerners are adopting Buddhism in the past several years. Many questions are better responded with Buddhist's concept of impermanence, non-self, mindfulness (the author uses this just once or twice!, not enough) and Eightfold Path which I'm sure will make the responding advice more versatile. My impression is that these (western) advisers excessively fixate on happiness as the norm of (western) life but there surely is another arguably better choice which is just to "be" without being miserable nor happy! I'm curious if there exist any advisers in US who also have this view in mind and provide advice accordingly?
The lesson I learn from this book is still the same one I have had for many years which is that people (at least westerners) are still full of lustful ego/self and many have it in excess to a very pitiful way. But I tealize this may be the result of quantity than quality because there are more and more people in USA in the past 30 years since I read Ann Landers' book and more people begets more and wider spectrum of problems they have had. :-)
The reason I'm interested in this book is what I skimmed from Slate web site in the past but it turns out that the author is not the current person on Slate's. My overall impression turns out to be that the advice is somewhat repetitive here and there. For example, psychotherapist is frequently advised but I doubt if it will work sufficiently.
The author's advice style is professional, prudent and with western style critical thinking but I could not help but wish that she possesses wider repertoire such as Buddhist's philosophy because I notice more westerners are adopting Buddhism in the past several years. Many questions are better responded with Buddhist's concept of impermanence, non-self, mindfulness (the author uses this just once or twice!, not enough) and Eightfold Path which I'm sure will make the responding advice more versatile. My impression is that these (western) advisers excessively fixate on happiness as the norm of (western) life but there surely is another arguably better choice which is just to "be" without being miserable nor happy! I'm curious if there exist any advisers in US who also have this view in mind and provide advice accordingly?
The lesson I learn from this book is still the same one I have had for many years which is that people (at least westerners) are still full of lustful ego/self and many have it in excess to a very pitiful way. But I tealize this may be the result of quantity than quality because there are more and more people in USA in the past 30 years since I read Ann Landers' book and more people begets more and wider spectrum of problems they have had. :-)
June 21, 2023
Great collection of letters and responses from his stint as the Dear Prudence advice columnist at slate.com. I've read that column quite a bit but didn't recognize many of these -- maybe he was on duty when my slate-checking frequency declined (paywall!). In any case, author comes across as insightful, compassionate, and very funny.
There was the occasional fake-seeming letter (i didn't for instance buy the one from someone who claimed to have asked the same heavy co-worker 3x within 3 months when her baby was due [she was of course not pregnant], gave an excuse about being forgetful, and wanted advice on how to smooth things over), but for the most part they were well-chosen. Lots of weighty issues such as family responses to coming out, pining for inapt (often married) prospective partners, etc. and not much of the trivial stuff that sometimes infects daily newspaper columns (someone's table manners, minor email etiquette fouls.......).
I see that quite a few goodreads reviewers compare it to Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed, which I LOVED [seriously, you should drop what you're doing and read it -- it's summer; you have time]. I guess I can see that in that they are good, witty writers who bring their own experiences to bear in responding to letters, but otherwise pretty different styles IMO. Lavery went into some detail at one point about the awful backstory of why he's estranged from family, but 99% of his personal stuff is quippy, light one-liners with some obvious topical relevance to the letter, whereas Strayed routinely tells long stories from her life that circle back around to the theme of the letter [works great in the book; wouldn't fly in a short newspaper column]. Both excellent but not that much alike.
Anyway, back on the record in the Dear Prudence matter -- quick, fun, enlightening read.
There was the occasional fake-seeming letter (i didn't for instance buy the one from someone who claimed to have asked the same heavy co-worker 3x within 3 months when her baby was due [she was of course not pregnant], gave an excuse about being forgetful, and wanted advice on how to smooth things over), but for the most part they were well-chosen. Lots of weighty issues such as family responses to coming out, pining for inapt (often married) prospective partners, etc. and not much of the trivial stuff that sometimes infects daily newspaper columns (someone's table manners, minor email etiquette fouls.......).
I see that quite a few goodreads reviewers compare it to Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed, which I LOVED [seriously, you should drop what you're doing and read it -- it's summer; you have time]. I guess I can see that in that they are good, witty writers who bring their own experiences to bear in responding to letters, but otherwise pretty different styles IMO. Lavery went into some detail at one point about the awful backstory of why he's estranged from family, but 99% of his personal stuff is quippy, light one-liners with some obvious topical relevance to the letter, whereas Strayed routinely tells long stories from her life that circle back around to the theme of the letter [works great in the book; wouldn't fly in a short newspaper column]. Both excellent but not that much alike.
Anyway, back on the record in the Dear Prudence matter -- quick, fun, enlightening read.
January 5, 2023
This was an interesting read for someone who reads Dear Prudence religiously (I do!). I recognized a lot of the letters and liked hearing about some of the recurring themes Daniel encountered when answering the letters. But the text between the letters somehow was way too wordy while also not giving especially deep insight. His writing style is inherently wordy, but at times it’s too much and I ended up just skipping portions.
For example, this is a real sentence:
It's not always mere projection that can cause tension between in-laws and a new spouse, of course, but it's important to continue to resist the temptation to problematize a child's partner for any conflict or change to the parent-child relationship (aside from extreme cases of abuse, forced isolation, financial control, etc.).
You could take out half of the words and not lose the meaning. The writing style doesn’t allow you to connect with Daniel very well because you’re just deciphering what on earth he’s getting at the whole time.
(You could say “Projection isn’t always the root cause of tension between in-laws and a new spouse, but it’s important not to blame a child’s partner for any conflicts or relationship changes… etc etc etc).
Overall I liked it mostly for the letters, all of which can be read on Slate’s archives. I wish there was more context and background on what it’s like to actually give advice and I also wish Daniel allowed for more connection to his own story throughout the book.
Thank you to Netgalley and the publisher for this ARC in exchange for my honest review!
For example, this is a real sentence:
It's not always mere projection that can cause tension between in-laws and a new spouse, of course, but it's important to continue to resist the temptation to problematize a child's partner for any conflict or change to the parent-child relationship (aside from extreme cases of abuse, forced isolation, financial control, etc.).
You could take out half of the words and not lose the meaning. The writing style doesn’t allow you to connect with Daniel very well because you’re just deciphering what on earth he’s getting at the whole time.
(You could say “Projection isn’t always the root cause of tension between in-laws and a new spouse, but it’s important not to blame a child’s partner for any conflicts or relationship changes… etc etc etc).
Overall I liked it mostly for the letters, all of which can be read on Slate’s archives. I wish there was more context and background on what it’s like to actually give advice and I also wish Daniel allowed for more connection to his own story throughout the book.
Thank you to Netgalley and the publisher for this ARC in exchange for my honest review!
May 1, 2023
Thank you to the author, publisher, and NetGalley for an eARC of Dear Prudence. I have followed the author from afar for years, from the covet-worthy friendship with Nicole Cliffe through the heartbreaking church fiasco. At one time, the Dear Prudence column at Slate was a regular fixture in my life, particularly during the Emily Yoffe era. And finally, the book Tiny Beautiful Things based on the Dear Sugar advice column has haunted me - in the best way - for years. So of course I jumped at the chance to read Dear Prudence. I am the direct audience for the book.
Unfortunately it fell a little flat for me. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the book. Am glad I read it. Could see giving it as a gift. But at no point was I eagerly turning the page to see what was next. Do you know what it reminded me of? In grad school there were these papers where I had to include a certain number of citations. Sometimes I would end up with 20 or so 3x5 cards with quotes on them. I would lay them out in front of me, try to find a grouping which made sense, and then wrote a little something stringing the thoughts together. That is what this reads like. It doesn't feel organic. Rather it feels like a series of letters, almost randomly grouped in chapters with cobbled together thoughts linking them to each other. I know the author is capable of making me think and feel and I will definitely read the next book. But this one was only good enough without blowing me away.
Unfortunately it fell a little flat for me. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the book. Am glad I read it. Could see giving it as a gift. But at no point was I eagerly turning the page to see what was next. Do you know what it reminded me of? In grad school there were these papers where I had to include a certain number of citations. Sometimes I would end up with 20 or so 3x5 cards with quotes on them. I would lay them out in front of me, try to find a grouping which made sense, and then wrote a little something stringing the thoughts together. That is what this reads like. It doesn't feel organic. Rather it feels like a series of letters, almost randomly grouped in chapters with cobbled together thoughts linking them to each other. I know the author is capable of making me think and feel and I will definitely read the next book. But this one was only good enough without blowing me away.
May 19, 2023
First, I’d like to thank NetGalley, HarperOne, and Daniel M. Lavery for this arc in exchange for my fair and honest review.
I haven’t followed Mr. Lavery’s career or Slate’s beloved column “Dear Prudence” religiously, but I have to say if you’re a person who loves to laugh and enjoys hearing advice or someone else’s perspective on issues this book is for you.
Some might gripe that the book is lacking some organization - which it is - but if you’re ok with not sitting down to read the whole thing and just casually taking a bite through it you’ll have a wonderful experience. It’s witty, snarky, whip-smart, heartwarming, and filled with stories that will have you actually laughing out loud!
Lavery layers in some personal narrative that really adds context and emotion to his advice. He also provides some rich history about the column and where some generally held advice really comes from giving a lot of depth.
Overall, I give this book 5 stars because I had a fabulous time.
I haven’t followed Mr. Lavery’s career or Slate’s beloved column “Dear Prudence” religiously, but I have to say if you’re a person who loves to laugh and enjoys hearing advice or someone else’s perspective on issues this book is for you.
Some might gripe that the book is lacking some organization - which it is - but if you’re ok with not sitting down to read the whole thing and just casually taking a bite through it you’ll have a wonderful experience. It’s witty, snarky, whip-smart, heartwarming, and filled with stories that will have you actually laughing out loud!
Lavery layers in some personal narrative that really adds context and emotion to his advice. He also provides some rich history about the column and where some generally held advice really comes from giving a lot of depth.
Overall, I give this book 5 stars because I had a fabulous time.
June 7, 2023
I have always loved advice columns and Daniel Lavery as Dear Prudence was absolutely my favorite. It's almost like overhearing a bit of juicy gossip in a public place. I love the drama, but also I think it allows and encourages the reader to consider other people's perspectives and be more empathetic in their own tricky situations.
I would also like to take this opportunity to air my grievances with Emily Yoffe, the Prudence before Lavery, whose advice was frequently ridiculous. Yoffe seemed to treat the advice column as if the primary motivation was entertainment and often did not even answer the question asked, just riffed on the letter writer's issues and tried to be clever with wordplay. It was infuriating to read. Lavery's advice was much more empathetic and genuinely helpful, and I'm glad to see that the new Prudence has followed in his footsteps.
I would also like to take this opportunity to air my grievances with Emily Yoffe, the Prudence before Lavery, whose advice was frequently ridiculous. Yoffe seemed to treat the advice column as if the primary motivation was entertainment and often did not even answer the question asked, just riffed on the letter writer's issues and tried to be clever with wordplay. It was infuriating to read. Lavery's advice was much more empathetic and genuinely helpful, and I'm glad to see that the new Prudence has followed in his footsteps.
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