The Commitment Dialogues

by Matthew McKay

A breakthrough guide to healing troubled relationships

Why do couples break up? In The Commitment Dialogues, best-selling author Matthew McKay dissects a range of typical dialogues gone wrong in order to illustrate how fear sabotages relationships. He introduces listeners to 10 couples struggling with specific issues. As their dialogues unfold, each couple's core problems are revealed. Dr. McKay then shows how his techniques can help heal fractured relationships and get couples working as a team to resolve conflicts over money, children, monogamy, commitment, and more.

Listeners also

The four big relationship-damaging Fear of Engulfment, Fear of Abandonment, Fear of Shame, and Fear of Emptiness How these fears underlie virtually every relationship issue and how to work through conflicts How conversations turn sour when people project their fears onto their mates Techniques for turning fears around for more productive, effective communication

Genres: Relationships, Psychology

Audible Audio

First published January 2, 2005

About the author

Matthew McKay, PhD, is a professor of psychology at the Wright Institute in Berkeley, and author of more than 30 professional psychology and self-help books which have sold a combined total of more than 3 million copies. He is co-founder of independent self-help publisher, New Harbinger Publications. He was the clinical director of Haight Ashbury Psychological Services in San Francisco for twenty five years. He is current director of the Berkeley CBT Clinic. An accomplished novelist and poet, his poetry has appeared in two volumes from Plum Branch Press and in more than sixty literary magazines. His most recent novel, Wawona Hotel, was
published by Boaz Press in 2008.

Reviews

[D · Rating 3 out of 5]

A useful read that identifies 4 core fears that play into couples' conflicts, and how to work around them.

1. Fear of Engulfment: Will I exist if I merger with you?

2. Fear of Abandonment - runners (leave first) or clingers

3. Fear of Shame: You won’t love me if you see the real me

4. Fear of Emptiness: If I keep moving, I won’t have to look inside - seeing people in love lose their passion for each other. Vulnerable to emptiness, meaninglessness, depression and boredom.
Remember - emptiness is just a temporary state. It’s like a wave. It may last a few hours or a few days or weeks. But it, too, shall pass.

A new intense sexual relationship feels great to someone coping with emptiness.
The honeymoon phase is full of sexual and emotional discovery. Everything is new and interesting.
For a time, the emptiness and depression are hidden.
Then the relationship plateaus. There are conflicts, periods of withdrawal. The sexual energy subsides a little. Commitment wavers and the relationship begins to feel like a trap. The only escape is another new, intense involvement.

Coping with Emptiness

Step 1: Recognize that emptiness, like all painful emotional states, is temporary.

Step 2: Acknowledge the feeling. Give a name to the experience. Describe the loneliness and yearning or the numbness. Give words to what’s chasing you, and make it less scary. We can manage it as a team. The worst thing about emptiness is being alone with it. Collaborate on ways to face off depression and vulnerability.

Step 3: Plan a set of strategies to push emptiness away: exercise, walks, romantic weekend, massage, time with friends, movies, cooking, eating, talking

Step 4: Build “emptiness tolerance.” Focus attention outside the self and/or meditation to peace and calm inside.



Masking Issues
Time: Time taps into core needs: the hunger for connection and human nourishment, the need to be seen and known, and also the need for autonomy, private self
Money
Children
Sex

Couples Research

Issue/Conflict:
Fears:
Other feelings:
History:
Assumptions:
Perceived choices:
Needs:

Adapted from When Anger Hurts Your Relationship by Kim Paleg, PhD and Matthew McKay PhD.