What do you think?
Rate this book
Everything You Ever Wanted: A Memoir
In her younger years, Jillian Lauren was a college dropout, a drug addict, and an international concubine in the Prince of Brunei's harem, an experience she immortalized in her best-selling memoir, Some Girls. In her 30s, Jillian's most radical act is learning the steadying power of love when she and her rock star husband adopt an Ethiopian child with special needs. After Jillian loses a close friend to drugs, she herself is saved by her fierce, bold love for her son as she fights to make him - and herself - feel safe and at home in the world.
Exploring complex ideas of identity and reinvention, Everything You Ever Wanted is a must-listen for everyone, especially every mother, who has ever hoped for a second act in life.
Exploring complex ideas of identity and reinvention, Everything You Ever Wanted is a must-listen for everyone, especially every mother, who has ever hoped for a second act in life.
Audible Audio
First published May 5, 2015
63 people are currently reading
2584 people want to read
About the author
Jillian Lauren
8 books399 followersJillian is the author of the USA Today bestseller, BEHOLD THE MONSTER: Confronting America's Most Prolific Serial Killer, EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED, and the New York Times bestselling memoir, SOME GIRLS: My Life in a Harem, and the novel, PRETTY.
BEHOLD THE MONSTER: CONFRONTING AMERICA'S MOST PROLIFIC SERIAL KILLER: New York Times bestselling author and lead of the Starz docuseries, Confronting a Serial Killer, Jillian Lauren delivers the harrowing report of her unusual relationship with a psychopath. But this is more than a deep dive into the actions of Samuel Little. Lauren's riveting and emotional accounts reveal the women who were lost to cold files, giving Little's victims a chance to have their stories heard for the first time.
SOME GIRLS, chronicles Jillian's time spent in the harem of the Prince of Brunei, and has been translated into eighteen languages.
EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED is the story of Jillian's most radical act - learning the steadying power of love when she and her rock star husband adopt an Ethiopian child with special needs.
Jillian has an MFA in Creative Writing from Antioch University. Her writing has appeared in The Paris Review, The New York Times, Vanity Fair, Los Angeles Magazine, Elle, Flaunt Magazine, The Rumpus, The Nervous Breakdown, Salon, and many other publications. Her work has been widely anthologized, including in The Moth Anthology and True Tales of Lust and Love.
Jillian is a regular storyteller with The Moth and performs at spoken word and storytelling events across the country. She did a Tedx talk at Chapman University in 2014. She has been interviewed on The View, Good Morning America and Howard Stern, to name a few.
She blogs at Today Moms on MSNBC, The Huffington Post and JillianLauren.com, which was named a top 100 mom blog of 2012 by Babble Magazine.
Jillian is married to Scott Shriner, the bass player for Weezer. They live in Los Angeles with their son.
BEHOLD THE MONSTER: CONFRONTING AMERICA'S MOST PROLIFIC SERIAL KILLER: New York Times bestselling author and lead of the Starz docuseries, Confronting a Serial Killer, Jillian Lauren delivers the harrowing report of her unusual relationship with a psychopath. But this is more than a deep dive into the actions of Samuel Little. Lauren's riveting and emotional accounts reveal the women who were lost to cold files, giving Little's victims a chance to have their stories heard for the first time.
SOME GIRLS, chronicles Jillian's time spent in the harem of the Prince of Brunei, and has been translated into eighteen languages.
EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED is the story of Jillian's most radical act - learning the steadying power of love when she and her rock star husband adopt an Ethiopian child with special needs.
Jillian has an MFA in Creative Writing from Antioch University. Her writing has appeared in The Paris Review, The New York Times, Vanity Fair, Los Angeles Magazine, Elle, Flaunt Magazine, The Rumpus, The Nervous Breakdown, Salon, and many other publications. Her work has been widely anthologized, including in The Moth Anthology and True Tales of Lust and Love.
Jillian is a regular storyteller with The Moth and performs at spoken word and storytelling events across the country. She did a Tedx talk at Chapman University in 2014. She has been interviewed on The View, Good Morning America and Howard Stern, to name a few.
She blogs at Today Moms on MSNBC, The Huffington Post and JillianLauren.com, which was named a top 100 mom blog of 2012 by Babble Magazine.
Jillian is married to Scott Shriner, the bass player for Weezer. They live in Los Angeles with their son.
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 160 reviews
May 4, 2015
Jillian is a writer with guts. This book is more than a memoir of adopting her son Tariku, it's about the human condition. Jillian dug deep for her third book and it shows. I can't recommend it highly enough.
If you read her first book about her experience in a harem, you know that her life experience is deep. This memoir strips the layers back even more.
I'm not a guy who runs out and searches for memoirs on adoption....yet this book is a punch in the gut and a warm embrace all at once.
If you read her first book about her experience in a harem, you know that her life experience is deep. This memoir strips the layers back even more.
I'm not a guy who runs out and searches for memoirs on adoption....yet this book is a punch in the gut and a warm embrace all at once.
June 20, 2018
This book...this book...THIS BOOK! Fuck... it hits me so, so hard in the heart. I don’t remember anything making me feel this much emotion. She is such a brilliant writer but also, the story is just...heartbreaking and life-affirming at the same time. A week ago, I was thinking about the idea of becoming a foster parent or adopting at some point in the future and then SOMEHOW started reading this (not knowing even what it was about) and it just kinda confirmed all the thoughts I had. It sounds so cheesy but...to hear about childhood trauma talked about so vividly and tangibly was mind-blowing. I highly recommend this book to ANYONE. I’ve never had a child, and, except for a few moments in my life, haven’t even wanted one, but this softened my heart to the whole thing. I have so much more empathy for parents now.
June 24, 2015
I am surprised by how much I loved Jillian Lauren's Everything You Ever Wanted, a book about the hurdles of parenting. As a childless, not-interested in mothering, single woman, a book about exactly the opposite held little appeal. I read it anyway because I was swept-off-my-feet in love with Lauren's first memoir, Some Girls.
Lauren proves for the third time that she has a beautiful and uniquely poetic writing style. I was immediately caught by her story, and continually awed by her brutal honesty. It's a rare thing to hear how impossible parenting can feel, how challenging a child can be, and the flailing failures of motherhood. Lauren writes about it all, which aroused compassion and empathy in me. I wanted to see her son succeed; Lauren's desperation is palpable. Most of all, this is a book of faith. Belief that families can be grown, that love has the power to change, and that, above all, spirits are salvageable. Yes, spirits are salvageable.
Favorite quotes:
"Every mom I meet offers an endless list of things that can apparently make the difference between your child winning the national chess championship and winning the domino tournament in a maximum security prison" (91-2).
"I lift the shades to a brightening sky smudged with clouds the color of Creamsicles and a full moon hanging over a little white farmhouse. Green and gold fields of sunflowers turn their expectant faces to the horizon. This kind of sunrise is a gift to baristas, farmers, insomniacs, and mothers" (157-8).
"I have always thought that at the end of the world, Jen will be the last person standing, kept company only by the roaches and Cher" (196-7).
"I am on Matt's couch again. Half the time I think I am irretrievably lost and half the time I know that I will not be here forever. This disgusting place with this love of my life. Not Matt, of course. Gross. Not even hero in. Okay, heroin, yes, heroism. But really it's the relief. The floating glaze of today and today and today. Is it so much to ask for, some relief? Says everyone who has ever made a deal with the devil. Is it so much to ask for?
"This is how it feels: My back opens up with waves of light. Radiance flows around my shoulder blades, hooks through the web of my rib cage, and spreads out like wings. Then I rock shut and my need washes over me like rain. How can I leave?" (224-5).
"...this same me, one hand always clinging to a buoyant balloon of hope, as ghastly as things seem. What on earth gave me the gall to dream of this life today, when I was nothing but appetite, a pure specimen of selfishness and single-minded desire?" (225-6).
Lauren proves for the third time that she has a beautiful and uniquely poetic writing style. I was immediately caught by her story, and continually awed by her brutal honesty. It's a rare thing to hear how impossible parenting can feel, how challenging a child can be, and the flailing failures of motherhood. Lauren writes about it all, which aroused compassion and empathy in me. I wanted to see her son succeed; Lauren's desperation is palpable. Most of all, this is a book of faith. Belief that families can be grown, that love has the power to change, and that, above all, spirits are salvageable. Yes, spirits are salvageable.
Favorite quotes:
"Every mom I meet offers an endless list of things that can apparently make the difference between your child winning the national chess championship and winning the domino tournament in a maximum security prison" (91-2).
"I lift the shades to a brightening sky smudged with clouds the color of Creamsicles and a full moon hanging over a little white farmhouse. Green and gold fields of sunflowers turn their expectant faces to the horizon. This kind of sunrise is a gift to baristas, farmers, insomniacs, and mothers" (157-8).
"I have always thought that at the end of the world, Jen will be the last person standing, kept company only by the roaches and Cher" (196-7).
"I am on Matt's couch again. Half the time I think I am irretrievably lost and half the time I know that I will not be here forever. This disgusting place with this love of my life. Not Matt, of course. Gross. Not even hero in. Okay, heroin, yes, heroism. But really it's the relief. The floating glaze of today and today and today. Is it so much to ask for, some relief? Says everyone who has ever made a deal with the devil. Is it so much to ask for?
"This is how it feels: My back opens up with waves of light. Radiance flows around my shoulder blades, hooks through the web of my rib cage, and spreads out like wings. Then I rock shut and my need washes over me like rain. How can I leave?" (224-5).
"...this same me, one hand always clinging to a buoyant balloon of hope, as ghastly as things seem. What on earth gave me the gall to dream of this life today, when I was nothing but appetite, a pure specimen of selfishness and single-minded desire?" (225-6).
August 9, 2015
Beautifully written, strong, heartfelt, and deeply moving - READ IT!
May 16, 2025
I loved some parts of the book, and hated some parts too.
I liked learning of the journey of adoption, the good, the bad, the joys and tears, the hardships and rewarding happy moments, but I hated her obsession with having a baby. I could barely get through those chapters, in which the author made all women who don't give birth to a child seem incomplete. Her desperation for motherhood is understandable, but the way she presented made babies seem like object to get for personal fulfilment.
I loved how she talked about T's biological mother when she met her in entrusting ceremony, how she learned that she belonged with all the adoptive moms (couples) on the trip to Philippines, how she loved on her dying best friend after her overdose, and how she found healing in unlikely and organic friendships instead of forcing the ones that weren't working out.
Overall, an education and interesting read!
I would recommend it to anyone who is considering adoption or is struggling with newly adopted child.
I liked learning of the journey of adoption, the good, the bad, the joys and tears, the hardships and rewarding happy moments, but I hated her obsession with having a baby. I could barely get through those chapters, in which the author made all women who don't give birth to a child seem incomplete. Her desperation for motherhood is understandable, but the way she presented made babies seem like object to get for personal fulfilment.
I loved how she talked about T's biological mother when she met her in entrusting ceremony, how she learned that she belonged with all the adoptive moms (couples) on the trip to Philippines, how she loved on her dying best friend after her overdose, and how she found healing in unlikely and organic friendships instead of forcing the ones that weren't working out.
Overall, an education and interesting read!
I would recommend it to anyone who is considering adoption or is struggling with newly adopted child.
June 17, 2023
I don’t have the words to express how much I liked this book. The author felt like she would be a friend or neighbor and you are with her on her journey.
June 12, 2017
Lauren was writing Some Girls at the time that the events of Everything You Ever Wanted were taking place, and while normally I'm not a huge fan of memoir-meta—that is, memoirists writing about writing their memoirs—it makes a lot of sense here because, well, it's part of the story. How do you become a parent when your uterus says no? How do you not, when it's the one thing you've been desperate to do? How do you reconcile a colourful past with a new, more 'traditional' role as 'mother'? How do you balance parent and writer? And, most pressingly, what do you do when there is clearly something wrong with your child, but doctors write it off?
As much as I loved Some Girls—which was a lot, considering that I'm hanging on to my copy despite the fact that I'm moving in a month and a half and really need to downsize my book collection—it would be hard for me to make an argument that it was better than Everything You Ever Wanted. Because...Everything is a harder story, I think. It doesn't have the 'you read a book about what?' factor to carry it through if for whatever reason things lag, and it doesn't need it. It's messy and honest and hopeful.
As much as I loved Some Girls—which was a lot, considering that I'm hanging on to my copy despite the fact that I'm moving in a month and a half and really need to downsize my book collection—it would be hard for me to make an argument that it was better than Everything You Ever Wanted. Because...Everything is a harder story, I think. It doesn't have the 'you read a book about what?' factor to carry it through if for whatever reason things lag, and it doesn't need it. It's messy and honest and hopeful.
August 1, 2023
So good. I understand so much more about this author after this book. Some Girls makes more sense to me now. We’re fortunate she decided to give us this update - and the beautiful story of her family being formed.
December 9, 2017
Not sure everyone will appreciate this book as much as I did. This memoir focuses on the adoption of her son and the following parenting struggles. I have a lot of respect for her brutal honesty when she writes about some of her toughest parenting moments.
July 12, 2022
Beautiful book that echoes some of our own experiences with adoption. I honestly had no idea this book was about adoption, but am glad it fell in to my hands. It's beautifully written.
P.S. I love Weezer and had no idea on the connection. 2 fabulous artists in one family.
P.S. I love Weezer and had no idea on the connection. 2 fabulous artists in one family.
December 16, 2024
It took me a while to become invested in her story, but after she and her husband adopt an infant from Africa and I began to read about the challenges they faced trying to raise this child, I couldn’t put the book down. It’s a must read for anyone raising, caring for, teaching a child with a history of trauma. It’s also a must read for those responsible for funding mental health programs, especially for children. This couple had the money and the time that enabled them to uncover every possible option for helping their child, yet they still hit roadblocks. Most families probably don’t have either. I can only imagine the additional challenges “they” face trying to raise a child w a trauma history.
May 5, 2015
I received an early copy of this book through the Penguin First to Read program.
This story of a family adopting an Ethiopian child starts off slow, but builds to a wonderful ending, not quite "happily ever after", but more "merrily we go along" that brought me great joy.
Jillian and Scott tried to have children on their own, but decided to go the adoption route and had to travel half way across the world to pick their child up in Africa. Neither of them are the "ideal couple" for adoption, she was once in a harem and had a drug problem and he is a bass guitar player for Weezer. They are both determined to be the best parents they can be. Isn't that what is really necessary?
Tariku is not an easy child to raise, but they never give up on him and I was really pulling for them to make it past all their hurdles. I have six natural children of my own and could identify with all the individual problems you can have with a child. Tariku likes to bite and hit and they have a difficult time finding a school that will work with them to get him better adjusted.
Finally things do come together and it seems that the hazardous journey will come to an end with a big Tariku sandwich hug.
"He puts his arms around my waist and stands there beside me. He holds my hand and kisses it. He whispers in my ear, “I love you to the moon and back two thousand hundred times.”
This is a remarkably truthful story of a family coming together and growing stronger every day. I highly recommend it.
This story of a family adopting an Ethiopian child starts off slow, but builds to a wonderful ending, not quite "happily ever after", but more "merrily we go along" that brought me great joy.
Jillian and Scott tried to have children on their own, but decided to go the adoption route and had to travel half way across the world to pick their child up in Africa. Neither of them are the "ideal couple" for adoption, she was once in a harem and had a drug problem and he is a bass guitar player for Weezer. They are both determined to be the best parents they can be. Isn't that what is really necessary?
Tariku is not an easy child to raise, but they never give up on him and I was really pulling for them to make it past all their hurdles. I have six natural children of my own and could identify with all the individual problems you can have with a child. Tariku likes to bite and hit and they have a difficult time finding a school that will work with them to get him better adjusted.
Finally things do come together and it seems that the hazardous journey will come to an end with a big Tariku sandwich hug.
"He puts his arms around my waist and stands there beside me. He holds my hand and kisses it. He whispers in my ear, “I love you to the moon and back two thousand hundred times.”
This is a remarkably truthful story of a family coming together and growing stronger every day. I highly recommend it.
April 11, 2019
Wow, but Jillian Lauren has had a crazy life. And man, does she know how to write about it. This, her second memoir, focuses on her marriage and struggle with infertility and her ultimate decision to adopt a boy from Ethiopia. When he has attachment issues, her ability to throw herself into trying to figure out how best to help him is remarkable. I already knew that parenting was hard, but I can't even imagine dealing with a toddler who has had emotional trauma.
Lauren keeps this book incredibly honest (something that I think is essential in a memoir) and it is often very sweet and funny and unbearably sad. And her wonderful writing makes the whole thing beautiful.
Now I have to decide if I want to read her first memoir that details her life in a harem and as a drug addict...???
4/11/19 I just read this for the second time, and I'm updating it to 5 stars. I think having read Lauren's other memoir, Some Girls and getting a better understanding of her backstory made me appreciate this book even more. Lauren is so very, very talented. I want to be best friends with her.
Lauren keeps this book incredibly honest (something that I think is essential in a memoir) and it is often very sweet and funny and unbearably sad. And her wonderful writing makes the whole thing beautiful.
Now I have to decide if I want to read her first memoir that details her life in a harem and as a drug addict...???
4/11/19 I just read this for the second time, and I'm updating it to 5 stars. I think having read Lauren's other memoir, Some Girls and getting a better understanding of her backstory made me appreciate this book even more. Lauren is so very, very talented. I want to be best friends with her.
October 6, 2015
Cataloged as memoir, but also an adoption book. Jillian is married to the bass player of the band Weezer, but also has a colorful personal back-story. (The couple live in the L.A. area of California.) After fertility issues, they decide to adopt from Ethiopia. A valuable resource for those waiting to adopt or who've adopted. Bibliography includes resources for attachment and sensory issues. Author also has a blog. This book provided perspective for me personally at an opportune time and reminded me to feel grateful for all that we have and brought back memories of "waiting".
"We have three months to wait before T's case makes it through court in Ethiopia and we can go over there to bring him home. ...I fill the months with preparation. There is plenty to do, lists upon lists. ...There are open suitcases on the floor of our room for weeks before our departure. On the changing table sits a checklist for our trip that seems to only grow with each item I tick off." (p. 62 & 63). Sounded like us before our 2nd trip(s) to Russia.
Pages 126 & 127 also particularly resonated with me.
"We have three months to wait before T's case makes it through court in Ethiopia and we can go over there to bring him home. ...I fill the months with preparation. There is plenty to do, lists upon lists. ...There are open suitcases on the floor of our room for weeks before our departure. On the changing table sits a checklist for our trip that seems to only grow with each item I tick off." (p. 62 & 63). Sounded like us before our 2nd trip(s) to Russia.
Pages 126 & 127 also particularly resonated with me.
February 22, 2018
I didn’t know anything about Jillian Lauren before, I just love adoption memoirs. This novel should probably be required reading before adoption so you are prepared to handle the challenges. Jillian struggles with infertility and then she and her husband decide to adopt from Ethiopia. This is the story of adopting Tariku.
She gets to meet his birth mother while overseas before she takes him home. This holds special meaning for her, as she herself was adopted. When she brings T home, she faces unexpected challenges. He pushes her away. He is aggressive toward her and toward other child, biting and hitting them. He gets kicked out of preschool. Jillian searches for answers, but they don’t come easily. Eventually, she learns about trauma and sensory processing disorder. Although T will always have his challenges, Jillian and her husband become powerful advocates for their child.
This was an inspirational novel about the power of unconditional love and persistence.
She gets to meet his birth mother while overseas before she takes him home. This holds special meaning for her, as she herself was adopted. When she brings T home, she faces unexpected challenges. He pushes her away. He is aggressive toward her and toward other child, biting and hitting them. He gets kicked out of preschool. Jillian searches for answers, but they don’t come easily. Eventually, she learns about trauma and sensory processing disorder. Although T will always have his challenges, Jillian and her husband become powerful advocates for their child.
This was an inspirational novel about the power of unconditional love and persistence.
December 2, 2019
I was pretty ambivalent about this book from the start, although quite sure why.
The story of her adoption coupled with how it provides meaning to her life up to that point was interesting, and mostly well written if a little navel-gazey. As the book went on the author became more comfortable with the audience, the book, and the writing process- and little details began to slip out- which were markers of what had made me so ambivalent from the beginning: her husband is in a chart-topping band, she is somewhat obsessive about Gwyneth Paltrow even while criticizing those who are, nothing passes hers or her child's lips that isn't vegan, gluten-free, dairy free, and generally fashionable in the competitive LA set. And therein is the problem, it is a book written from an LA perspective, with LA concerns- and therefore is only distantly related to the rest of us, and a bit hard to take seriously.
The story of her adoption coupled with how it provides meaning to her life up to that point was interesting, and mostly well written if a little navel-gazey. As the book went on the author became more comfortable with the audience, the book, and the writing process- and little details began to slip out- which were markers of what had made me so ambivalent from the beginning: her husband is in a chart-topping band, she is somewhat obsessive about Gwyneth Paltrow even while criticizing those who are, nothing passes hers or her child's lips that isn't vegan, gluten-free, dairy free, and generally fashionable in the competitive LA set. And therein is the problem, it is a book written from an LA perspective, with LA concerns- and therefore is only distantly related to the rest of us, and a bit hard to take seriously.
October 9, 2016
Pretty much a page turner. Will she and adopted child survive their individual demons or not. I became somewhat distrustful of her judgement eventually. Why in the world, when she is trying to raise a badly damaged child and needs so much help does she find it necessary at that moment in time to publish a tell all book about her experiences with sex and drugs prior to the adoption, a book which alienates her parents and understandably so. Does this represent lots of buried angst coming out and is there more that might be affecting her child rearing abilities? Tarik will go through a lot more difficult periods in life--try teen age years. I for one am not certain that Jill's decisions will get them through these later years of chaos. Unless these books make enough money to pay for the masses of therapy the family needs and will likely continue to need.
February 14, 2022
Let me explain my rating. I actually wanted to give it two stars based on the story. But then I realized that I'm not the target market and it's unfair for me to give a bad rating because the book wasn't written for me. If I were a mother of toddlers maybe I'd give it a four star rating. But I'm not.
The book is decently written but not great, hence the three stars.
That said, I'm the father of a very passionate four year old and I have to say, the stories in this book don't sound any different than what my child does. The hitting, the arguing, the tantrums. Yes it's tough but parenting isn't easy. So all in all, I felt like the book didn't really give any insight into or interesting story about motherhood. It's basically an inch to one side or another on the spectrum of what parents experience raising kids.
Whatevs
The book is decently written but not great, hence the three stars.
That said, I'm the father of a very passionate four year old and I have to say, the stories in this book don't sound any different than what my child does. The hitting, the arguing, the tantrums. Yes it's tough but parenting isn't easy. So all in all, I felt like the book didn't really give any insight into or interesting story about motherhood. It's basically an inch to one side or another on the spectrum of what parents experience raising kids.
Whatevs
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
May 10, 2015
I have read Jillian's first memoir and feel like the reading of this second memoir was enriched because I "knew" her back story. This memoir is, however, a stand-alone tribute to the power of love, and the reward of tenacity. It is a vibrantly written story of a special little boy and all of Jillian's struggles to give him the best possible chance in life. She succeeds brilliantly, and I feel so much respect for someone who never once tried to make her amazing kid fit into the constraints of conventionality. She always saw him for the unique gifted child he was. This journey she has taken to give this little boy a great start in life is a wonderful thing to read about. Highly recommend this book for any parent or step parent who has ever struggled to meet the needs of their child.
July 13, 2015
Jillian Lauren gives a vulnerable, raw look at her adoption of an Ethiopian child. The parts that resonated the most with me were the beginning and end - the difficulties she had conceiving, the emotionality of that, and later on, when she finally "got what she wanted," which on some level was the ability to provide what her child needed. There were some chapters in the middle about all the various challenges and stigmas she faced after she and her husband brought their kid home that felt redundant. But I supposed they were a necessary to show how many tactics and ways they tried to cope with the situation they were in.
May 14, 2016
I didn't expect to like this book as much as I did, especially because as a child-free woman I sometimes don't like to swim in the monotony of lengthy descriptions about child rearing (and there were a few paragraphs of describing cake and etc that were more of interest to the writer than the reader) but the writing is so strong and poetic and compelling and contemplative. I found myself wanting to use many of the writing techniques here. I like how the relationships are shown in such a round way, with joys and failures as well.
February 8, 2025
Oh my. This is my life (minus the harem, drugs and rock star husband). This is my child and my life with my child. She says my truth... In a way I could never explain to people who don't have SPD kids
October 1, 2016
I loved every moment of this book. On a par with everything Anne Lamont wrote about being a single parent but framed around her experience as an adoptive parent, Jillian Lauren ultimately writes about the redemptive power of love.
February 4, 2017
This is some really ballsy writing. Loved it.
October 16, 2020
Beautifully written. Thank you, Jillian, for sharing both the dreamy and traumatic sides of adoption. And offering your story as healing for others struggling through the same season in their story.
August 25, 2016
What an amazing relief it was to read about another family struggling to understand SPD.
May 8, 2019
Might be worth reading if you are interested in adopting a child, but otherwise not worth the effort. The writing simply was not that good.
March 23, 2017
pg. 13 "(Becoming a mother) is my second chance, my redemption story. To be so unwanted and so wanted at the same time can carve a fault line in you. I expect motherhood to finally unite this duality. It will settle the question of whether or not I'm needed. Motherhood is going to be the story that justifies my life, riddled with mistakes and missteps."
pg. 111 "It takes sitting through so, so many hours of guesswork and frustration and boredom to reach a heartbeat of connection, of understanding."
pg. 126 "The general perception is that adopted children are expected to immediately and unequivocally acquire a sense of overwhelming gratitude for not being starving, abandoned, dying of malaria in a developing country. That little boy, who has lost everything he has ever known and loved, in many cases repeatedly? How could he misbehave? Doesn't he know that he is so lucky? I can't walk to any of these friends about the struggles that are beginning to surface with my son. I want to wall out the world and protect him from their judgements. It is not surprising, is it? That it's taking a while for his brain to make sense of this. That it's taking a minute for him to trust. It's not surprising that he needs some extra help. But this is only really clear to me in the face of other people's judgements. This is the mama lion in me. In my darkest moments, when I am not so bold, I hear whispers of the same fears and doubts."
pg. 135 "People are constantly saying: Oh, it's a boy thing. Oh, it's a stage. Oh, everyone goes through that. They mean to be helpful, but I am left feeling lonely and inadequate. If everyone goes through this, why does it feel so insurmountable?"
pg. 145 "Two things are clear to me: that I have never loved anything or anyone in this world the way I love my son; and that love simply isn't enough to guide me. I need help."
pg. 173 "I fear their judgement, but mine is worse: if I were just around more, if I didn't have a babysitter, if I never yelled at him, if, if, if.... Tears prick my eyes. Did I think that motherhood was going to make me feel a part of something? It has done exactly the opposite. I'm more isolated than I've ever been."
pg. 188 "You have to keep in mind that my kid didn't have parents for a while at a crucial time in his development and this has repercussions. We're working it out. We're healing. We're doing great, actually. And our version of doing great looks different from how it does for kids who have had a typical attachment cycle in the first three years of life. So he's going to need a little extra attention."
pg. 193 "I rock him and we sit there for a good long time. Longer than he's let me hold him in ages. Warmth floods my limbs and it's as if my brain is bathed suddenly in a wash of serotonin. We are survivors, the two of us. We're loved. We're safe. We're going to be okay, my son and I. I know this as surely as I knew he was my son the minute I saw his picture. As surely as I have ever known anything."
pg. 205 "Nothing I've encountered in my life has hurled me into darkness as fiercely as this rejection by my son. Not death,...not being disowned, not depressions, nothing. Even when I'm able to remain grounded and patient and not take it personally all day long (it's a rare day, but it happens) come bedtime I still find myself in tears, thinking that in a million years I never imagined being a mother would feel like this. I go over and over it in my head. What are the things about our turbulent relationship that might be my fault? What might I be able to control, to change simply by changing me? As if changing were that easy, but I can't help running through the possibilities. What if I worked less? What if I yelled less? What if I was better at the life balance? What if I was more fun? What if I was better? Would that make my child love me? But even as I castigate myself, I also see a more likely story. With all of the trauma and transition in his short life, it's logical that he would make sure to do the rejecting rather than risk being hurt again."
pg. 237 "Children are raised by communities, not individuals."
pg. 247 "Every mother has her past, I figure. Every woman has a big idea of what will make her acceptable as a mother, what will put the USDA stamp of approval on her and make her feel worthy of this human experience. And every mother has her whole self, which rarely aligns with either pole. This house is full of love and warmth and music. And we try like hell; really we do. Make a mistake and start again."
pg. 111 "It takes sitting through so, so many hours of guesswork and frustration and boredom to reach a heartbeat of connection, of understanding."
pg. 126 "The general perception is that adopted children are expected to immediately and unequivocally acquire a sense of overwhelming gratitude for not being starving, abandoned, dying of malaria in a developing country. That little boy, who has lost everything he has ever known and loved, in many cases repeatedly? How could he misbehave? Doesn't he know that he is so lucky? I can't walk to any of these friends about the struggles that are beginning to surface with my son. I want to wall out the world and protect him from their judgements. It is not surprising, is it? That it's taking a while for his brain to make sense of this. That it's taking a minute for him to trust. It's not surprising that he needs some extra help. But this is only really clear to me in the face of other people's judgements. This is the mama lion in me. In my darkest moments, when I am not so bold, I hear whispers of the same fears and doubts."
pg. 135 "People are constantly saying: Oh, it's a boy thing. Oh, it's a stage. Oh, everyone goes through that. They mean to be helpful, but I am left feeling lonely and inadequate. If everyone goes through this, why does it feel so insurmountable?"
pg. 145 "Two things are clear to me: that I have never loved anything or anyone in this world the way I love my son; and that love simply isn't enough to guide me. I need help."
pg. 173 "I fear their judgement, but mine is worse: if I were just around more, if I didn't have a babysitter, if I never yelled at him, if, if, if.... Tears prick my eyes. Did I think that motherhood was going to make me feel a part of something? It has done exactly the opposite. I'm more isolated than I've ever been."
pg. 188 "You have to keep in mind that my kid didn't have parents for a while at a crucial time in his development and this has repercussions. We're working it out. We're healing. We're doing great, actually. And our version of doing great looks different from how it does for kids who have had a typical attachment cycle in the first three years of life. So he's going to need a little extra attention."
pg. 193 "I rock him and we sit there for a good long time. Longer than he's let me hold him in ages. Warmth floods my limbs and it's as if my brain is bathed suddenly in a wash of serotonin. We are survivors, the two of us. We're loved. We're safe. We're going to be okay, my son and I. I know this as surely as I knew he was my son the minute I saw his picture. As surely as I have ever known anything."
pg. 205 "Nothing I've encountered in my life has hurled me into darkness as fiercely as this rejection by my son. Not death,...not being disowned, not depressions, nothing. Even when I'm able to remain grounded and patient and not take it personally all day long (it's a rare day, but it happens) come bedtime I still find myself in tears, thinking that in a million years I never imagined being a mother would feel like this. I go over and over it in my head. What are the things about our turbulent relationship that might be my fault? What might I be able to control, to change simply by changing me? As if changing were that easy, but I can't help running through the possibilities. What if I worked less? What if I yelled less? What if I was better at the life balance? What if I was more fun? What if I was better? Would that make my child love me? But even as I castigate myself, I also see a more likely story. With all of the trauma and transition in his short life, it's logical that he would make sure to do the rejecting rather than risk being hurt again."
pg. 237 "Children are raised by communities, not individuals."
pg. 247 "Every mother has her past, I figure. Every woman has a big idea of what will make her acceptable as a mother, what will put the USDA stamp of approval on her and make her feel worthy of this human experience. And every mother has her whole self, which rarely aligns with either pole. This house is full of love and warmth and music. And we try like hell; really we do. Make a mistake and start again."
June 4, 2018
The writing in this book is at times so pretty that it reads like poetry or what I imagine poetry to read like since I actually don’t read poetry. Because of that I almost thought I made a mistake in trying this one. I’m glad I kept going. The book is a really raw account on the author’s entrance into motherhood. She’s adopted a son from Ethiopia. Though her foray into motherhood looks different from mine, I quickly realized what I also very quickly realize talking to any mom, we can go through so many similar things that it really does at times seem to be one of the closest ways to relate to another human.
The author is really open about her challenges, frustrations, anger and despair. That made the book very easy for me to read. I could picture everything so clearly. She’s careful to note that this book is her experience solely and that her son reserves his right to tell his own story so there were things that she felt may border a line of preventing him from authentically doing that one day and so she left them out.
There’s such an interesting theme of trauma in this book and how society can kind of downplay what that may look like from person to person just because of the thought that everyone deals with some kind of trauma. This book makes clear that that’s no reason to ignore someone’s trauma and not treat it the best you can or be compassionate towards it. I definitely look at it in a much different way than I did before.
Interested to read more from this author.
The author is really open about her challenges, frustrations, anger and despair. That made the book very easy for me to read. I could picture everything so clearly. She’s careful to note that this book is her experience solely and that her son reserves his right to tell his own story so there were things that she felt may border a line of preventing him from authentically doing that one day and so she left them out.
There’s such an interesting theme of trauma in this book and how society can kind of downplay what that may look like from person to person just because of the thought that everyone deals with some kind of trauma. This book makes clear that that’s no reason to ignore someone’s trauma and not treat it the best you can or be compassionate towards it. I definitely look at it in a much different way than I did before.
Interested to read more from this author.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 160 reviews