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Leaving the OCD Circus: Your Best Ticket out of Having to Control Every Little Thing
"It's like the meanest, wildest monkey running around my head, constantly looking for ways to bite me." That was how Kirsten Pagacz described her OCD to her therapist on their first session when she was well into her 30s - she'd been following orders from this mean taskmaster for 20 years, without understanding why. Initially the tapping and counting and cleaning and ordering brought her comfort and structure, two things lacking in her family life. But it never lasted; the loathsome self-talk only intensified, and the rituals she had to perform got more bizarre. By high school she was anorexic and a substance abuser - common "shadow syndromes" of OCD. By adulthood she could barely hide her problems and held on to jobs and friends through sheer grit. Help finally came in the form of a miraculously well-timed public service announcement on NPR about OCD. At last her illness had an identity.
Leaving the OCD Circus reveals the story of Pagacz's traumatic childhood and the escalation of her disorder, demonstrating how OCD works to misshape a life from a very young age. It also explains the various tools she used for healing, including meditation, cognitive behavioral therapy, yoga, exposure therapy, and medication.
Leaving the OCD Circus reveals the story of Pagacz's traumatic childhood and the escalation of her disorder, demonstrating how OCD works to misshape a life from a very young age. It also explains the various tools she used for healing, including meditation, cognitive behavioral therapy, yoga, exposure therapy, and medication.
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Published January 26, 2017
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About the author
Kirsten Pagacz
3 books7 followersMy name is Kirsten Pagacz. I was born in 1966 and grew up in Oak Park, IL. OCD came into my life when I was nine years old. At the onset, it was a welcomed distraction that took me away from my chaotic childhood. My OCD was like a secret friend that always had interesting things for me to do. Doing the assigned rituals was somewhat repetitive and soothing. My OCD was a shape shifter and by high school I was deep in the clutches of my illness. I also developed the shadow syndromes, anorexia and substance abuse. These were the first two to arrive. As for my professional life, I had a successful looking sales and marketing career on paper and worked for some popular fortune 500 companies. On some dreaded mornings, I would lie in heap on the floor, in the fetal position, crying and choking on my tears and mucus before I could leave the house and go to work. This was my private hell.
When I was 32, after a complete mental collapse, I was diagnosed with severe OCD. On that day, in front of my doctor, I found one grain of sanity left within myself. From that one grain I had to grow a peaceful warrior, because the fight of a lifetime was in front of me. I wanted to do more than merely exist. I wanted joy back. I was tired of being robbed of literally thousands of hours while trying to comply with the demands of my OCD.
Since I was diagnosed with severe OCD, I’ve been actively on my path to wellness and stability. Today, my OCD is in the side car, and I’m driving behind the wheel, and I can teach other sufferers to experience the same. Today, I can do the simple things in life simply, without getting stuck, which is miraculous! I enjoy a big happy life and I have a set of blue prints for getting there!
When I was 32, after a complete mental collapse, I was diagnosed with severe OCD. On that day, in front of my doctor, I found one grain of sanity left within myself. From that one grain I had to grow a peaceful warrior, because the fight of a lifetime was in front of me. I wanted to do more than merely exist. I wanted joy back. I was tired of being robbed of literally thousands of hours while trying to comply with the demands of my OCD.
Since I was diagnosed with severe OCD, I’ve been actively on my path to wellness and stability. Today, my OCD is in the side car, and I’m driving behind the wheel, and I can teach other sufferers to experience the same. Today, I can do the simple things in life simply, without getting stuck, which is miraculous! I enjoy a big happy life and I have a set of blue prints for getting there!
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 32 reviews
November 22, 2021
It's a little heartbreaking to sit down and write a two and a half star review for a memoir that pulses with hard truths and taught me much about my own. Pagacz's hybridization of personal narrative and self care suggestions creates an intriguing premise for this book on OCD that importantly spans pre-diagnosis, shadow conditions, diagnosis and early treatment, and imperfect human thriving. Too often, memoirs of Madness, especially those with any kind of addiction (Pagacz, like me, collected many), are endless pages of glorified war stories that cut off abruptly and unsatisfactorily at the point of recovery. From Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia and Unbearable Lightness: A Story of Loss and Gain to Dry or The Gilded Razor: A Memoir, most (award-winning) memoirs of self-destruction and addiction drag us screaming through the grit and promptly abandon us at the point of dawn that makes such storytelling possible. Pagacz didn't fall into this trap and take us down with her, instead offering a refreshing and powerful story of her life no longer consumed by drugs, eating disorders, and OCD. This makes it an important read, but I can't give it any more than two stars (rounded down) because of the writing itself.
While lots of reviewers celebrate the self-help aspect of this book, I think it was one of its weakest components. The suggestions are sparse, either common sense or common guidance, poorly written and even more badly formatted, and largely unhelpful in application. A long section of supposed "self help" is simply a series of check boxes describing OCD as things like "an abuser" or "a manipulator" that readers are supposed to read through, fill in an obnoxiously formatted blank before each statement with their own previously prescribed by Pagacz pet name for our OCD, and identify with. Not only are the statements repetitive, they offer nothing meaningful (except animosity) in the work to recover OCD- there's nothing to apply them to, as if calling OCD an abuser is enough to break its hold. Further, it contradicts later lessons in the book about befriending and repurposing OCD, undermines the idea that OCD can be a survival skill developed by some of our brains, AND risks ostracizing or triggering those of us with an extensive history of actual relationships with abusers. To add insult to injury, many of these kinds of pages have obnoxious clip art borders and are overgrown with blanks to again fill in our pet names for OCD, which is a mind numbing and totally useless exercise and waste of space for people who don't mind or benefit from calling OCD what it is.
The "self-help" sections aren't the only problem. Pagacz's writing itself is often disjointed, poorly edited (including extra spaces between words which can be challenging for some readers), and badly stylized. She includes racist slurs and ableist language that other people used in conversation but are completely unnecessary to her story and inappropriate to repeat. It's full of bland, all tell no show, rote storytelling that often doesn't weave into a cogent narrative. Multiple analogies collide, are carried part way, and are abruptly abandoned from paragraph to paragraph, only to occasionally be resuscitated later on in a poorly educated attempt to offer "a-ha" moments to the reader that we should be trusted to arrive at on our own. The whole writing style feels like a combination of hand holding, hand wringing, and sporadic "education" about OCD things like hand washing. While I commend Pagacz on the intention and attempt, the execution falls horribly flat.
Lastly, this book is an accessibility nightmare. It's full of random vintage photos in black and white that, we're told, tie into the story but very rarely seemed to. They never have image descriptions. Borders distract from the text and are poorly rendered. Block quotes are offered in occasionally illegible, curling scripts. The lines for OCD pet names are their own chaos. It's bad. And while I talk about access all the time, it feels particularly inexcusable to have a self help and memoir hybrid about mental illness that fails so terribly on the access front. Healing should not be only available for the visually, cognitively, and process-able but Mad few.
I REALLY wanted to like this book, but it was too hard to. Though Pagacz's heart is clearly overflowing with passion, it doesn't land due to an overwhelming collection of bad writing, poor stylizing, and general inaccessibility. Two stars.
While lots of reviewers celebrate the self-help aspect of this book, I think it was one of its weakest components. The suggestions are sparse, either common sense or common guidance, poorly written and even more badly formatted, and largely unhelpful in application. A long section of supposed "self help" is simply a series of check boxes describing OCD as things like "an abuser" or "a manipulator" that readers are supposed to read through, fill in an obnoxiously formatted blank before each statement with their own previously prescribed by Pagacz pet name for our OCD, and identify with. Not only are the statements repetitive, they offer nothing meaningful (except animosity) in the work to recover OCD- there's nothing to apply them to, as if calling OCD an abuser is enough to break its hold. Further, it contradicts later lessons in the book about befriending and repurposing OCD, undermines the idea that OCD can be a survival skill developed by some of our brains, AND risks ostracizing or triggering those of us with an extensive history of actual relationships with abusers. To add insult to injury, many of these kinds of pages have obnoxious clip art borders and are overgrown with blanks to again fill in our pet names for OCD, which is a mind numbing and totally useless exercise and waste of space for people who don't mind or benefit from calling OCD what it is.
The "self-help" sections aren't the only problem. Pagacz's writing itself is often disjointed, poorly edited (including extra spaces between words which can be challenging for some readers), and badly stylized. She includes racist slurs and ableist language that other people used in conversation but are completely unnecessary to her story and inappropriate to repeat. It's full of bland, all tell no show, rote storytelling that often doesn't weave into a cogent narrative. Multiple analogies collide, are carried part way, and are abruptly abandoned from paragraph to paragraph, only to occasionally be resuscitated later on in a poorly educated attempt to offer "a-ha" moments to the reader that we should be trusted to arrive at on our own. The whole writing style feels like a combination of hand holding, hand wringing, and sporadic "education" about OCD things like hand washing. While I commend Pagacz on the intention and attempt, the execution falls horribly flat.
Lastly, this book is an accessibility nightmare. It's full of random vintage photos in black and white that, we're told, tie into the story but very rarely seemed to. They never have image descriptions. Borders distract from the text and are poorly rendered. Block quotes are offered in occasionally illegible, curling scripts. The lines for OCD pet names are their own chaos. It's bad. And while I talk about access all the time, it feels particularly inexcusable to have a self help and memoir hybrid about mental illness that fails so terribly on the access front. Healing should not be only available for the visually, cognitively, and process-able but Mad few.
I REALLY wanted to like this book, but it was too hard to. Though Pagacz's heart is clearly overflowing with passion, it doesn't land due to an overwhelming collection of bad writing, poor stylizing, and general inaccessibility. Two stars.
March 8, 2022
Likes:
The author is personable and she definitely took you on the journey of her life. I felt like I was having a nice chat with another OCD sufferer and we were exchanging life stories and encouraging each other to carry on the fight. It reeled me in and I went on an emotional journey. I was cheering her overcome her struggles. Having some of the same subsets as the author. I got it completely without being triggered or downward spiraling into an OCD wreck.
I almost cried Several times reading this book. I understand it. I live it, I've lived it.
Open and honest I saw myself mirrored in this writing. I felt like some of my life was laid bare. I have read many OCD books, but few where I saw myself. Minus the drug use and abusive father.
Dislike:
This book starts slow, in a sense that I was reading the book but just thought "where is this going"? For the most part it wraps up nicely but there were definitely some chapters that although dealt with ocd seemed like they were just randomly thrown in.
The stories are sometimes disjointed. I definitely think they needed to be tweaked to flow a bit better.
The description words the book almost in a self help fashion and this book is not that. The author does cover what helped her but the writing doesn't translate well into The reader learning how to follow and replicate.
There is a survey in the book and although it deals with OCD, I couldn't understand the point of it. The reader takes the survey then what? It doesn't really offer anything other than that.
The author attributes OCD to low serotonin levels when in actuality, Doctors do not Know what causes OCD. There is a correlation and they are related but it doesn't appear to be due to low serotonin levels alone. So I think stating this multiple times is a bit simplistic.
While I'm happy Brain Lock helped the author, I definitely think there are better books on the market. I will go so far as to say that the book can teach avoidance behavior. Shameless plug. I reviewed that book.
Sometimes the author would state that you could control your thoughts. No you can't. You cannot control your thoughts and we can't always choose our attitudes, just ask someone suffering from depression. We can choose our actions or inactions in OCD case, as painful as they may be. It may seem like a small phrase but incorrect and the sentiment is repeated throughout the book.
"Our thoughts and attitudes determine how we see the world, and we ourselves choose these very thoughts and attitudes."
For inspiration I give this book a 10, for a wellness plan 2. I enjoyed it and to me it was worth it!
The author is personable and she definitely took you on the journey of her life. I felt like I was having a nice chat with another OCD sufferer and we were exchanging life stories and encouraging each other to carry on the fight. It reeled me in and I went on an emotional journey. I was cheering her overcome her struggles. Having some of the same subsets as the author. I got it completely without being triggered or downward spiraling into an OCD wreck.
I almost cried Several times reading this book. I understand it. I live it, I've lived it.
Open and honest I saw myself mirrored in this writing. I felt like some of my life was laid bare. I have read many OCD books, but few where I saw myself. Minus the drug use and abusive father.
Dislike:
This book starts slow, in a sense that I was reading the book but just thought "where is this going"? For the most part it wraps up nicely but there were definitely some chapters that although dealt with ocd seemed like they were just randomly thrown in.
The stories are sometimes disjointed. I definitely think they needed to be tweaked to flow a bit better.
The description words the book almost in a self help fashion and this book is not that. The author does cover what helped her but the writing doesn't translate well into The reader learning how to follow and replicate.
There is a survey in the book and although it deals with OCD, I couldn't understand the point of it. The reader takes the survey then what? It doesn't really offer anything other than that.
The author attributes OCD to low serotonin levels when in actuality, Doctors do not Know what causes OCD. There is a correlation and they are related but it doesn't appear to be due to low serotonin levels alone. So I think stating this multiple times is a bit simplistic.
While I'm happy Brain Lock helped the author, I definitely think there are better books on the market. I will go so far as to say that the book can teach avoidance behavior. Shameless plug. I reviewed that book.
Sometimes the author would state that you could control your thoughts. No you can't. You cannot control your thoughts and we can't always choose our attitudes, just ask someone suffering from depression. We can choose our actions or inactions in OCD case, as painful as they may be. It may seem like a small phrase but incorrect and the sentiment is repeated throughout the book.
"Our thoughts and attitudes determine how we see the world, and we ourselves choose these very thoughts and attitudes."
For inspiration I give this book a 10, for a wellness plan 2. I enjoyed it and to me it was worth it!
February 22, 2017
I recently realized that a lot of the weird stuff I was experiencing lately was OCD. Just thought I was kinda crazy, but anyway, I went looking to read about it, and came across Kirsten's book. Glad I did, as it was very informative and helpful on the subject. OCD is not a fun thing to have, and some of the horrifying stuff Kirsten talks about in the book just goes to show that it can totally mess with your life. Personally, I have a number of odd compulsions and phobias that I would rather not have. As with anything in life, though, you have to work on it. You can't just read a book and voila, everything is A-OK! At least now I feel like I have some tools to deal with my OCD - thanks Kirsten!
June 19, 2022
“Monkey chatter, having the heart of a lion…taming a wild elephant? Sounds like a flippin’ circus! Where’s the cotton candy? Someone bring in the clown!” “Life is like a carnival in many ways, and OCD is like a circus. I choose which rides to go on and which rides not to go on…I choose to leave the OCD Circus; there are just too many other great things to do.”
OCD is the search “for the piece that would not let me experience peace.” Kirsten Pagacz’ Leaving the OCD Circus offers keys “to help you out of your unique gilded OCD cage, whatever shape it is taken…from helplessness to hopefulness, for mental illness middle stillness.” ERP feels “worse than giving birth to a baby rhinoceros, horn first.” It’s intentionally giving OCD the middle finger. ERP grows your inner warrior, “your superhero within you. It’s your fighter, the one that avenges what you have lost and the one that marches on with the strong shoulders. You…are worth fighting for. It’s one step at a time…in the right direction toward your freedom.”
“Change often happens when not changing becomes more painful than changing…a truthful place is the best place to start real change.” It begins when you realize “You can’t even sit up straight enough for the cross and Jesus…I did think that God still saw me, but I just kept wandering aimlessly into the devil’s palm and his long, grotesque fingernails were like my prison bars…The forest is like life itself; there is real darkness and there is real light…It’s all there all the time…I could turn all my wasted years into something beneficial for somebody else. Now that’s the God I report to!” He transforms OCD into origami!
OCD is the search “for the piece that would not let me experience peace.” Kirsten Pagacz’ Leaving the OCD Circus offers keys “to help you out of your unique gilded OCD cage, whatever shape it is taken…from helplessness to hopefulness, for mental illness middle stillness.” ERP feels “worse than giving birth to a baby rhinoceros, horn first.” It’s intentionally giving OCD the middle finger. ERP grows your inner warrior, “your superhero within you. It’s your fighter, the one that avenges what you have lost and the one that marches on with the strong shoulders. You…are worth fighting for. It’s one step at a time…in the right direction toward your freedom.”
“Change often happens when not changing becomes more painful than changing…a truthful place is the best place to start real change.” It begins when you realize “You can’t even sit up straight enough for the cross and Jesus…I did think that God still saw me, but I just kept wandering aimlessly into the devil’s palm and his long, grotesque fingernails were like my prison bars…The forest is like life itself; there is real darkness and there is real light…It’s all there all the time…I could turn all my wasted years into something beneficial for somebody else. Now that’s the God I report to!” He transforms OCD into origami!
April 22, 2021
What I love about this book is how open honest and real it is. Kirsten is truly brave in sharing her story, and it has really paid off as a gift to those struggling with mental disorders and their friends and family. Leaving the OCD Circus is truly eye opening to the affects of this disorder, but also so informative, relatable, and well written. I love that Kirsten used colorful metaphors throughout the book to help the reader compare and understand OCD better. Aside from this the whole second part of the book is much like a self help book teaching the reader how to cope with the symptoms of OCD in a way that’s truly transformative. You really feel like Kirsten’s your best friend guiding you through how to navigate OCD and her perseverance and strength are so inspiring. I’m sure her journey will and has already touched and transformed so many lives.
January 10, 2017
Kirsten Pagacz, local business owner of Retro-A-Go-Go here in Howell, MI, gives an unflinching account of living with undiagnosed obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) for over 20 years.
Never having heard of OCD until her early 30s, Kirsten was a slave to the demanding Sergeant-turned-merciless, wild Monkey that was her OCD starting at the young age of nine years old.
Suffering in silence, hiding the anxiety and fear that was her constant companion, Kirsten fell into the increasingly desperate cycle of obsessions and compulsions, seeking escape in the dangerous world of drugs and alcohol.
She eventually found her way out of substance abuse into a healthy, loving relationship and a successful career. Only she led a double life: one of a young, happy professional woman and the hidden, debilitating other of doubt, rules, and fear.
Shortly after a crippling public breakdown, Kirsten learned of OCD, discovering her frightening taskmaster had a name. With this discovery and validation that she had a real medical disorder from which many others also suffer, she began treatment, taking the first step on a long, difficult, even painful road to recovery and management.
Part memoir, part self-help guide, Leaving the OCD Circus: Your Big Ticket Out of Having to Control Every Little Thing is Kirsten’s offering of hope and help to fellow sufferers, as well as insight and understanding for their loved ones, from someone with intimate knowledge and experience—an insider, a sufferer, a survivor.
If you or anyone you know has or may have OCD, this book is essential reading.
Never having heard of OCD until her early 30s, Kirsten was a slave to the demanding Sergeant-turned-merciless, wild Monkey that was her OCD starting at the young age of nine years old.
Suffering in silence, hiding the anxiety and fear that was her constant companion, Kirsten fell into the increasingly desperate cycle of obsessions and compulsions, seeking escape in the dangerous world of drugs and alcohol.
She eventually found her way out of substance abuse into a healthy, loving relationship and a successful career. Only she led a double life: one of a young, happy professional woman and the hidden, debilitating other of doubt, rules, and fear.
Shortly after a crippling public breakdown, Kirsten learned of OCD, discovering her frightening taskmaster had a name. With this discovery and validation that she had a real medical disorder from which many others also suffer, she began treatment, taking the first step on a long, difficult, even painful road to recovery and management.
Part memoir, part self-help guide, Leaving the OCD Circus: Your Big Ticket Out of Having to Control Every Little Thing is Kirsten’s offering of hope and help to fellow sufferers, as well as insight and understanding for their loved ones, from someone with intimate knowledge and experience—an insider, a sufferer, a survivor.
If you or anyone you know has or may have OCD, this book is essential reading.
February 24, 2022
I've read many books about OCD and "Leaving the OCD Circus" was refreshingly candid and honest. Kirsten has a unique and quirky voice that I really enjoyed. This is part memoir and part self help. I loved hearing Kirsten's story and I learned a lot from her insight. These kinds of books often provide "tips and tricks" or other quick fixes that won't necessarily work. "Leaving the OCD Circus" provides real advice that is likely to help those who want a better life and are willing to make the effort, but just don't know where to start. Highly recommended for anyone with OCD and those who support them.
February 13, 2020
There's a lot of language in this book, and I didn't really learn anything new, but it was nice to hear sometimes eerily similar thought processes to my own. The struggle is real.
June 30, 2020
A decent memoir with helpful information about ERP and OCD treatment.
August 28, 2023
‘Leavinf the OCD circus’ is a memoir written by Kirsten Pagacz, founder of ‘Retro- A- Go Go’ and member of the International OCD foundation. The memoir describes Kirstens experience of living with and recovering from OCD.
Unfortunately I have to start this review with the reason I have taken one star off it as I found it very difficult to look past and impacted the rest of the book for me. Within one chapter of the book Kirsten writes uncensored racial slurs, she is quoting the words of a racist she had a conversation with however there is no reason to write the slurs in and isn’t acceptable in any instance.
The memoir itself provides an insightful and multi-faceted look at the experience of living with obsessive compulsive disorder. As someone with OCD myself, I found the book extremely impactful and relatable. While a lot of my experiences and obsessions are different to Kirstens, she really captured the tedious and exhausting nature of the disorder. Over the course of the memoir (and her life), she describes OCD as three different physical manifestations, ‘Sergeant’, ‘Monkey’ and ‘Chimpsay’, I found this to be a really cool and interesting perspective. Kirsten also includes her experience and advice in regards to her OCD recovery, I found some of the advice given to be very helpful and while other parts of her recovery method don’t personally work for my method of recovery I merit her sharing what has worked for her, and I am sure has worked for many people. I found the images in the book to be really cool and fun, she uses many retro images that portray different elements of the experience of having OCD.
TWs for the book: drug/alcohol use, SA, racial slurs, EDs
Unfortunately I have to start this review with the reason I have taken one star off it as I found it very difficult to look past and impacted the rest of the book for me. Within one chapter of the book Kirsten writes uncensored racial slurs, she is quoting the words of a racist she had a conversation with however there is no reason to write the slurs in and isn’t acceptable in any instance.
The memoir itself provides an insightful and multi-faceted look at the experience of living with obsessive compulsive disorder. As someone with OCD myself, I found the book extremely impactful and relatable. While a lot of my experiences and obsessions are different to Kirstens, she really captured the tedious and exhausting nature of the disorder. Over the course of the memoir (and her life), she describes OCD as three different physical manifestations, ‘Sergeant’, ‘Monkey’ and ‘Chimpsay’, I found this to be a really cool and interesting perspective. Kirsten also includes her experience and advice in regards to her OCD recovery, I found some of the advice given to be very helpful and while other parts of her recovery method don’t personally work for my method of recovery I merit her sharing what has worked for her, and I am sure has worked for many people. I found the images in the book to be really cool and fun, she uses many retro images that portray different elements of the experience of having OCD.
TWs for the book: drug/alcohol use, SA, racial slurs, EDs
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
December 18, 2017
Kirsten Pagacz's book is a revealing and inspiring read into OCD related possibilities.
If you don't know about OCD, you'll have an inside view and understanding
of the suffering and internal struggle and havoc it can rain on a life.
Some books delve into the outwardly observable symptoms of disorders.
This book takes you inside the experience like none I've ever read before.
If you know about OCD already or are dealing with it personally or through
others, you will relate to Kirsten's story telling. The book is humorous at times,
painful at others, but more importantly the stories will provide you with
an internal voice that there is a way out.
The fact that Kirsten gained the upper hand over this will inspire hope
if you need it. You may also be better able to better understand and help
someone in need.
What really impressed me about Kirsten is her ability and desire to reach
a hand back to help others. She is joining with the medical community via
this book and her continued work with the OCD community. OCD is a very
limiting disorder. Kirsten's book and work offers some keys to reopen
the door to life's possibilities.
If you have a chance to see her speak or visit her work, it will be worth the effort.
She has more stories to tell and I expect another book from her in the future.
If you don't know about OCD, you'll have an inside view and understanding
of the suffering and internal struggle and havoc it can rain on a life.
Some books delve into the outwardly observable symptoms of disorders.
This book takes you inside the experience like none I've ever read before.
If you know about OCD already or are dealing with it personally or through
others, you will relate to Kirsten's story telling. The book is humorous at times,
painful at others, but more importantly the stories will provide you with
an internal voice that there is a way out.
The fact that Kirsten gained the upper hand over this will inspire hope
if you need it. You may also be better able to better understand and help
someone in need.
What really impressed me about Kirsten is her ability and desire to reach
a hand back to help others. She is joining with the medical community via
this book and her continued work with the OCD community. OCD is a very
limiting disorder. Kirsten's book and work offers some keys to reopen
the door to life's possibilities.
If you have a chance to see her speak or visit her work, it will be worth the effort.
She has more stories to tell and I expect another book from her in the future.
July 28, 2017
Keep in mind this is a memoir, so anyone looking for tips on OCD will probably be better suited by reading the book the author refers to, Brain Lock. While there are a few exercises she mentions in passing, the focus of this book is mainly on her experience. That being said, it's a solid read and would help anyone understand the irrational and torturous nature of OCD and help undiagnosed sufferers feel validated in their experience. The name of the book really should be "My big ticket out of having to control everything" instead of "your", as most bookstores wrongly put this memoir in the self help section. But maybe I'm being controlling by suggesting that ;)
August 31, 2018
I am in the middle of listening to this on Scribd. I do not often get really excited, like little kid excited, about a book, but this one is great. The author takes you through her experience with OCD starting at age 9. She had a weird, challenging childhood and the OCD didn't help.
You want to pick this 9 year old up and hug her. Her writing style is very good and engaging and funny. It shows that sometimes intelligent people with fertile imaginations can have a worse time with anxiety because they can scare themselves so proficiently.
Anyway, read this book. It will make you appreciate what people with OCD are dealing with and will make you empathize with and respect them more.
You want to pick this 9 year old up and hug her. Her writing style is very good and engaging and funny. It shows that sometimes intelligent people with fertile imaginations can have a worse time with anxiety because they can scare themselves so proficiently.
Anyway, read this book. It will make you appreciate what people with OCD are dealing with and will make you empathize with and respect them more.
July 4, 2020
Leaving the OCD Circus is one of those books that I wish Kirsten’s story about her life would continue in another book as OCD is a lifetime disease. It’s how we learn to manage it that is the puzzle. It helped me to try and get a better handle on ‘those voices in my head’ that are not making any sense yet pushing me to do the compulsions. It is definitely a work in progress. But reading her story gives me that little bit of hope that I can also learn, even if just baby steps, that there is hope for me to get over some of my hurdles.
March 21, 2025
This memoir was funny, informative, and interesting. I identified a lot with having OCD thought patterns, waning obsessions and compulsions. It left me with some questions - how did she afford treatment or how did it not impact her work life? I guess she managed to hyper focus on her work whereas mine has gotten in the way of work. The ending chapters gave me hope for the options that are available to sufferers and a reminder they may all have different triggers but the tools can really help. It’s an anxiety disorder that is not something to tackle alone.
January 19, 2018
Kirsten truly reveals herself by unfolding her past struggles with OCD. She breaks her stories down into pieces that can be related to by all. This was a tremendous read and an even more tremendous outcome. To see Kirsten living her best life after her long haul at the OCD Circus is inspiring to say the least. I highly recommend this book for anyone experiencing any level of OCD and/or anxiety. Kirsten will open your eyes to a new way of living.
January 28, 2021
PERFECT for those new to OCD or deepening their recovery from OCD. Has a lot to offer on many levels.
I wrote to the author, Kirsten Pagacz earlier this week about how much I loved her book, and to my surprise she actually generously responded to me! I can assure the readers of her book she is as loving in her own person as she is in her book toward her readers. She even asked me to share my review here on Goodreads! And it is my great pleasure to do so.
I am a person who suffers from OCD; the worst part of it is behind me like it is for Kirsten because I discovered what it really is, like Kirsten does in the second part of her book. The techniques Kirsten shares helped her, exposure and response therapy, (literally, facing what your OCD fears) were already familiar to me, so the book itself wasn’t new information on OCD, yet it has had and is having a profound effect on me and my healing and recovery from my OCD. And that’s the main point I want whoever is reading this review to take away with them: if you are a person with OCD who already is familiar with OCD, do not take the opportunity to read this book lightly. It can help you more than you realize to read an authentic, loving, brilliantly written account of a person who had one of the worst forms of OCD I have heard about make an unbelievable, uplifting recovery. She really makes you see that you literally do have the choice to completely override your OCD by seeing ALL of it is a brain disorder and unreal as she truly lives with her whole being what she teaches. This has helped me clean up some of my act that I was letting OCD continue to impose upon me, which I thought I had cleaned up already—but no! Reading this book took me deeper to a new level of healing and inner purification.
And, if you are new to being diagnosed with OCD—this book is going to freaking blast through that OCD in your mind to a safe place within your head that you’ll never be able to be sucked back to the OCD in as bad a way as it has been before reading this book. It will implant in your mind a new awareness that will stay with you and grow like a seed.
Plus, even if you do not have OCD, it is a very enjoyable, easy to read, oftentimes hilarious book. I say it is hilarious with great respect to Kirsten, given that these experiences were definitely very real to her at the time. But knowing she is fully aware of what was really happening to her in the first half of the book (the first half of the book is the autobiographical account of when she had no idea she had OCD for twenty years between the ages of around 10-30.), you, the reader can enjoy how she sees her own life so differently now and can laugh at the absurdity of what her mind was doing back then.
It has been years since I read through an entire book cover to cover, as I mostly read bits of self-help books at parts that apply to my mental health. But something about Kirsten’s book just grabbed me by the heart and I felt I needed to really read it from cover to cover to understand and appreciate her and her story. I have read parts of other OCD experience books before, but there was a charm and warmth in particular to Kirsten’s book that made me want to read the whole thing.
By the time I finished reading the book, I genuinely loved Kirsten Pagacz like she was a dear friend of mine. You really feel you are with her, in every moment with her 1st person experience. I had connected to her in such a deep way because she writes so intimately and personally and with so much dedication to the well-being of you in particular: you, the reader. She really pours her heart out and it is sacred and beautiful.
But this was the aspect of her book that had the most healing quality to me: She comes across as incredibly adorable and innocent in the face of her OCD which sees her as such a horrible person; and I wonder if she herself actually saw how cute she is as she was writing about herself; it just feels like she wasn’t even trying to make herself look adorable, she was just sharing herself as she is and that’s her. And that’s what got me in the heart: I realized that I, too, am so cute and innocent in my OCD and it helped me to REALLY feel free from the negative self image my OCD has painted for me. I had began to love myself before I read this book, but when I read it, even subconsciously as a side-effect of observing her, my love for myself deepened; I realized how I am not a bad person like I so often get hooked into believing because of my OCD. And this is very important to me. Because my OCD is a scrupulosity kind of OCD, between me and God with an evil kind of God who comes in between me and the real God. This OCD God puts unrealistically high expectations for my purity and morality that drive me shit crazy. So when I read “Leaving the OCD Circus” I started to realize: “God, if I can see how much God loves this person as I read about her OCD and see through all her stuff into the core of her heart and soul where I can see her perfection and purity, why can’t I do so with myself all the time?” Bottom line: because of Kirsten’s work to be aware of herself, which must have been monumental for her, I could be aware of myself like the book was a mirror of me even though I have a completely different type of OCD. And folks, we need as much self-awareness as we can get, living in this brain of ours and in this world. So please, get a copy of this book and change your life.
I wrote to the author, Kirsten Pagacz earlier this week about how much I loved her book, and to my surprise she actually generously responded to me! I can assure the readers of her book she is as loving in her own person as she is in her book toward her readers. She even asked me to share my review here on Goodreads! And it is my great pleasure to do so.
I am a person who suffers from OCD; the worst part of it is behind me like it is for Kirsten because I discovered what it really is, like Kirsten does in the second part of her book. The techniques Kirsten shares helped her, exposure and response therapy, (literally, facing what your OCD fears) were already familiar to me, so the book itself wasn’t new information on OCD, yet it has had and is having a profound effect on me and my healing and recovery from my OCD. And that’s the main point I want whoever is reading this review to take away with them: if you are a person with OCD who already is familiar with OCD, do not take the opportunity to read this book lightly. It can help you more than you realize to read an authentic, loving, brilliantly written account of a person who had one of the worst forms of OCD I have heard about make an unbelievable, uplifting recovery. She really makes you see that you literally do have the choice to completely override your OCD by seeing ALL of it is a brain disorder and unreal as she truly lives with her whole being what she teaches. This has helped me clean up some of my act that I was letting OCD continue to impose upon me, which I thought I had cleaned up already—but no! Reading this book took me deeper to a new level of healing and inner purification.
And, if you are new to being diagnosed with OCD—this book is going to freaking blast through that OCD in your mind to a safe place within your head that you’ll never be able to be sucked back to the OCD in as bad a way as it has been before reading this book. It will implant in your mind a new awareness that will stay with you and grow like a seed.
Plus, even if you do not have OCD, it is a very enjoyable, easy to read, oftentimes hilarious book. I say it is hilarious with great respect to Kirsten, given that these experiences were definitely very real to her at the time. But knowing she is fully aware of what was really happening to her in the first half of the book (the first half of the book is the autobiographical account of when she had no idea she had OCD for twenty years between the ages of around 10-30.), you, the reader can enjoy how she sees her own life so differently now and can laugh at the absurdity of what her mind was doing back then.
It has been years since I read through an entire book cover to cover, as I mostly read bits of self-help books at parts that apply to my mental health. But something about Kirsten’s book just grabbed me by the heart and I felt I needed to really read it from cover to cover to understand and appreciate her and her story. I have read parts of other OCD experience books before, but there was a charm and warmth in particular to Kirsten’s book that made me want to read the whole thing.
By the time I finished reading the book, I genuinely loved Kirsten Pagacz like she was a dear friend of mine. You really feel you are with her, in every moment with her 1st person experience. I had connected to her in such a deep way because she writes so intimately and personally and with so much dedication to the well-being of you in particular: you, the reader. She really pours her heart out and it is sacred and beautiful.
But this was the aspect of her book that had the most healing quality to me: She comes across as incredibly adorable and innocent in the face of her OCD which sees her as such a horrible person; and I wonder if she herself actually saw how cute she is as she was writing about herself; it just feels like she wasn’t even trying to make herself look adorable, she was just sharing herself as she is and that’s her. And that’s what got me in the heart: I realized that I, too, am so cute and innocent in my OCD and it helped me to REALLY feel free from the negative self image my OCD has painted for me. I had began to love myself before I read this book, but when I read it, even subconsciously as a side-effect of observing her, my love for myself deepened; I realized how I am not a bad person like I so often get hooked into believing because of my OCD. And this is very important to me. Because my OCD is a scrupulosity kind of OCD, between me and God with an evil kind of God who comes in between me and the real God. This OCD God puts unrealistically high expectations for my purity and morality that drive me shit crazy. So when I read “Leaving the OCD Circus” I started to realize: “God, if I can see how much God loves this person as I read about her OCD and see through all her stuff into the core of her heart and soul where I can see her perfection and purity, why can’t I do so with myself all the time?” Bottom line: because of Kirsten’s work to be aware of herself, which must have been monumental for her, I could be aware of myself like the book was a mirror of me even though I have a completely different type of OCD. And folks, we need as much self-awareness as we can get, living in this brain of ours and in this world. So please, get a copy of this book and change your life.
February 2, 2021
This is an excellent memoir that exposes many truths about OCD. I understand OCD so much better now. This book is for everyone. Kirsten write with humor and passion. Her story is truly incredible.
If you have OCD, love someone with OCD or just want an excellent memoir, this book is for you. Enjoy it!
If you have OCD, love someone with OCD or just want an excellent memoir, this book is for you. Enjoy it!
April 11, 2021
So helpful
Beautifully written. I have two close relatives with OCD. Kirsten shared her heart and soul. Her openness helped my compassion grow. This book answered questions for myself. For example; ‘Am I making their life more difficult? How can my behavior encourage them to love themselves.
Beautifully written. I have two close relatives with OCD. Kirsten shared her heart and soul. Her openness helped my compassion grow. This book answered questions for myself. For example; ‘Am I making their life more difficult? How can my behavior encourage them to love themselves.
January 13, 2018
An excellent and informative read.
August 28, 2020
Great book! If you have OCD, know someone with OCD or you’re just interested in the topic - this is for you!
September 19, 2020
Great mix of personal struggles with OCD but also a brief review of examples of treatment,etc.
October 15, 2021
Great story, great resources; very worthwhile and helpful read. Reading this book feels like receiving the hard-earned wisdom from a very experienced and compassionate friend.
January 25, 2023
Kudos to the writer for being so open about her journey. Unfortunately, the writing wasn't up to par.
October 22, 2023
Good book about someone’s struggle. Not too much applicable advice, but overall concepts that should be sought out.
Read
July 9, 2020A funny, heartbreaking, helpful story of one woman’s excruciating battle with OCD and ultimate triumph of living with her tormentor. Fantastically helpful for any family member trying to understand what their loved one is going through. Highly recommend.
February 26, 2021
Such a great book and written in an informal, fun way. Love the insights and learned a lot about myself and my “monkey.”
February 22, 2017
Kirsten Pagacz gets up close and detailed with her personal experience with OCD. She shares her journey from childhood to adulthood in a way that provides an entertaining and eye-opening look at what it's like to suffer from this behavioral disorder and her sense of humor brings a light touch to a very serious topic. I related to her story because some of the internal self-talk and doubt she experienced were also things I've experienced myself.
February 18, 2017
Very interesting read. I personally don't have OCD but I do know people who suffer and I wanted an inside look. This book definitely gives you that. It has humor along with the soul wrenching truth of a sufferer. I want to give Kirsten Pagacz a hug and a high five! What a strong person! I do suffer from anxiety at times and some of her tips/tricks apply to that also. If you have OCD or know someone who might have it, you should read this book.
October 12, 2016
In this unflinching account of the devastation that OCD can wreak on sufferers, Pagacz describes the exhausting years spent as a slave to a demented and demanding master and subsequent hard-fought battle to wriggle out from under her obsessions and compulsions. Along the way there are inspirational quotes, humorous asides, notes of encouragement and joyous and apt illustrations and ephemera that serves as a code-breaker to deactivate the OCD alarm system. If you suffer from OCD or want to learn more about the condition from someone who has broke through to better, healthier living, this is worth picking up.
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