Puzzled: A Memoir about Growing Up with OCD

by Pan Cooke

Growing up with undiagnosed OCD sure isn’t easy, and here Pan Cooke shares his own experiences with that condition in a memoir that is as funny as it is powerfully candid and openhearted.

Pan Cooke is ten years old when anxious thoughts begin to take over his brain like pieces of an impossible puzzle. What if he blurts out a swear word while in church? What if he accidentally writes something mean in his classmate’s get-well card? What if his friend’s racy photo of a supermodel ends up in his own homework and is discovered by his teacher? More and more, he becomes hijacked by fears that can only be calmed through exhausting, time-consuming rituals.

Pan has no way of knowing that this anxiety puzzle and the stressful attempts to solve it are evidence of a condition called Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. This is his story of living with and eventually learning about OCD. Told with endearing honesty and humor, Puzzled shows the listener the importance of empathy for oneself and those going through something they don’t yet understand.

Genres: Graphic Novels, Middle Grade, Memoir, Mental Health, Nonfiction, Biography, Comics

Audible Audio

First published April 16, 2024

Reviews

[Fatma Al Zahraa Yehia · Rating 3 out of 5]

Thank you Netgalley for sending me this 
copy in exchange for an honest review.

يحكي الكاتب قصته مع مرض الوسواس القهري، والذي يظن الكثيرون أنه مجرد هوس بالنظام والترتيب.

في هذه القصة نعرف أن لتلك المرض أنواع وأشكال مختلفة، وأن أزمته الأساسية هى وجود شكل من أشكال "القلق" أو عدم الطمأنينة داخل المريض الذي يمارس طقوس "تطهرية" لها شكل روتيني-يختلف من مريض لآخر-يظن أنها قد تنجح في تهدئة نفسه المضطربة.

يعاني بطل القصة/الكاتب من هذا المرض منذ طفولته. ونظراً لعدم وجود وعي كافٍ به في تلك الفترة التي نشأ فيها، يظن أن به مشكلة ما. بداية من عدم إيمانه بالله بشكل كاف "حسب اعتقاده" إلى وجود روح شريرة بداخله "أيضا حسب اعتقاده كطفل"، إلى ظنه بأنه انسان سىء ولذلك تأتيه تلك الأفكار التي تحيل حياته جحيماً كعقاب له.

أرى أننا قد نعاني من تلك الوساوس بشكل أو بآخر. بداية من الشك في اغلاق باب البيت أو ترك الموقد مشتعلا، مروراً بخوف أيام الامتحانات المعتاد الذي يتعلق بمدى صحة موعد الإمتحان أو إتمام الإجابة على جميع الاسئلة، نهاية بهوس تخيل حوادث مرعبة قد تُصيب الغاليين علينا.
وكل ذلك طبيعي، إلى أن تتجاوز أو تخترق تلك الأفكار "سقف" الطبيعي، وتهدم وتدمر راحة بالنا.

ألم ومعاناة نجح في تصويرها كاتب القصة، كما استطاع أن يُقرب صورة تلك المرض بشكل أوضح بالنسبة لي. أحببت معالجته النفسية التي لجأ أخيرا لها في نهاية مراهقته، والتي وضحت له أن الحل لا يكمن في أن "نهرب" من تلك الأفكار اللامنطقية، بل أن نحاول التصالح والتعايش معها، وذلك بالطبع مع اتباع العلاج السليم.

يمكنكم قراءة الكتاب من خلال موقع
netgalley
هو التسجيل فيه رخم حبتين، بس برضه أحسن من مفيش :)



A journey well narrated by its protagonist, who went through the endless abyss of mental illness.

The book depicted the author's journey to discovering the truth about his pain, which he kept hidden from his early
preteen years to the end of adolescence.

If there was a novel that excelled in depicting an exact and truthful
deception of OCD, it would be that one. I completely recommend it.

[TL *Humaning the Best She Can* · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was recently diagnosed with OCD(another thing to add to my alphabet soup) and so I've been looking for books with main characters who deal with it.

I identify with some of what the author went through (I just wanted to give him a hug)... I didn't know there was different kinds/symptoms with OCD, that was new info. Looking back each time I learn something new about myself, I wonder why it wasn't considered for me (along with my other lovelies) but at the same time I also understand why.

Certain compulsions that I have but thought was normal... it always takes a weight off your shoulders with each answer as another puzzle piece slides into place.

This is a quick and impactful read.. I know I'll be thinking about this one and someday geta physical copy as well.

I'll say it again, I'm very glad these books are coming out and happy/hopeful that it'll bring info to the how many who need it.
This should be in every library and classroom!

[Anna · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was really great. I definitely hope this finds it's way into middle school and high school classrooms so others with OCD can know they aren't alone.

[Jessica · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a very emotional book for me to read. As someone with untreated ocd, this book made me cry. It made me think that maybe I should try harder to find a good therapist. Maybe there is hope after all. Maybe.

[Erin · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think this is a really good resource for someone who might not understand what OCD is. It works very well as a middle grade graphic novel & I can see this being used as a resource for kids who might not *know* they have OCD. I just fit into neither of those boxes

[Samantha J. · Rating 5 out of 5]

now that I've stopped crying I can finally write a review. it's so refreshing to read about someone else's struggle with OCD at such a young age. being someone who first developed symptoms of OCD at such a young age, it really impacted my experiences growing up and I often felt like an outlier amongst my age group.

Pan Cooke told his story with heart and with humor. I've highlighted some parts of the book that really resonated with me below.


when discussing his bedtime routine, the author, Pan Cooke states "sometimes it doesn't feel right, though, and I have to star over again. And again." this is still something I struggle with as an adult.

Cooke discusses the feeling of not being able to tell anyone about what you are experiencing and feeling, and feeling crazy. This is something I heavily relate to and still discuss when talking with other about my OCD. I was in the 5th grade when I was diagnosed, but I remember symptoms going back as far as 3rd grade. for 2 years I was so worried that my family would hate me and think I was crazy if I told them everything I was thinking and feeling.

Cooke's explanation of his eating disorder really hit home with me. I didn't realize until I was in recovery that my eating disorder could have actually been another symptom of my OCD. I found out, just a year ago, that OCD and eating disorders have a right rate of comorbidity.

the quote "my thoughts are my enemy, not my ally."

Cooke's exploration into health anxiety as a symptom of OCD.

the quote "you see, I've been having a problem trusting my memory," and Cooke saying that "it's easier if I get others to solve the Puzzle for me." I frequently tell the people in my life who know about my OCD similar things. I am almost certain I have, on many manyy occasions, said "I can't trust my mind, but I can trust yours, so can you help me with xyz." still to this day I seek reassurance in others for things I cannot trust myself with.

Cooke's discovery of OCD subtypes. At this point in the graphic novel, Cooke seems to relate to the subtype "Just Right OCD." This is a type of OCD that is missing the obsessions but still has compulsions. I fit into many different subtypes, but by far, "Just Right OCD" hits the nail right on the head for me. Cooke describes this feeling by saying, "I'm not always fighting off a particular thought. It feels more like I'm chasing a feeling of completeness. Without it, everything feels out of order."

OMG when he finally goes to therapy after struggling for long, I actually sobbed. not just cried, an actual, literal sob came out of my throat. Asking for help is not easy, and as someone who has been in that exact situation, of reaching out for help and feeling validated, it was such a touching moment, sad and almost joyous at the same time. the strip where it shows him sitting in the therapist's office being a young boy, a preteen, and his teenage self??!!!!! TEARS!

[Alix · Rating 5 out of 5]

Pan experiences the symptoms of OCD from a young age and only after becoming an adult, he sought for help on maintaining his impulsive behavior. Not knowing what he had, he described his process as something that was embarrassing to talk about, being afraid that he would be seen as different and rejected by society. He went towards calling himself crazy or even thought that the devil is in him. But after a random night of researching, he found out that what he had is actually a mental disorder and not because he was crazy or had the devil in him. Finding reassurances with peers around him on theories he had inside his head, he knew this wasn’t a permanent solution and finally sought help with a professional.

I love that the author chose to write this kind of book because it’s really hard to even talk about mental disorders, especially in adolescence where bullying is prone to happen. It’s also enlightening to read through the process and be able to experience the process of what one goes through with OCD so that there’s understanding of why things happen or why they say certain things.

Thank you to NetGallery for providing me an advanced copy for review!

[McKenzy Hupke · Rating 5 out of 5]

Graphic memoirs are truly one of my favorite and this just proves why. It gives such great information in a very clear and interesting way that keeps your attention and will keep the attention of people of so many ages. It may be a "juvenile" book, but it truly is for everyone to read about and learn a little more.

[Kristen Branch-McGlamery · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thank you NetGalley and Penguin Young Readers Group for an ARC of this fantastic graphic novel!

Puzzled: A Memoir about Growing Up with OCD is a graphic novel memoir written by Pan Cooke that allows readers to go into the mind of Cooke as he grows up, attempting to find a balance between being a teenager and dealing with anxious, often intrusive thoughts, As he becomes older, he finds that his thoughts are often paired or replaced by compulsive rituals.

Cooke did such a great job at telling his story throughout this graphic novel. It was told in a captivating and understandable fashion that younger readers would be able to connect with. I enjoyed his use of metaphors, particularly the reoccurring puzzle metaphor that gives audiences an easy way to see how Cooke reflects on his OCD symptoms. I was also happy to see that Cooke addressed the stereotypes that are often attached to OCD.

I will say that I wish we had been able to spend more time learning about the tools and skills Cooke learned while in therapy. For those who are unsure of what therapy looks like, it could be beneficial to see how OCD can be addressed in sessions.

Overall, I think this is a great book that shows a realistic view of someone growing up with OCD. I would love to own a physical copy of this one to use in my practice.

[Josie Taylor · Rating 5 out of 5]

Although this is definitely aimed to middle school age kids, I think there’s a lot to learn from it. I was glad this book specifically got into religious OCD right away since I feel like that’s still a bit taboo. Overall, I think really helpful is understanding OCD.

[Kathreadsall · Rating 5 out of 5]

Puzzled is an authentic voice about what it's like to grow up with undiagnosed OCD, and the hope and healing that comes from a proper diagnosis.

I greatly enjoyed reading this graphic novel by author Pan Cooke. Based on the authors real experiences with OCD, this story is so open and raw about the inner turmoil that happens with OCD.

This kind of representation is so important, and I'm so glad this book exists so people, especially young people, can read it and know they are not alone.

[Sana · Rating 4 out of 5]

'The weird thing is, whereas half of me is full-blown nuts, the half is perfectly sane. One half knows it doesn't make sense. But the other screams, "What if?" And most of the time, that's the half that wins.'

I'm so glad Maraia rec'ed Puzzled to me because this is such an impactful and important read. Totally one of those books that should be part of essential reading lists.

I was aware OCD can be very difficult to live with and Pan Cooke has the severe form of it so he had it pretty hard almost all his life that it got painful to read about his experiences. I say this having always thought I was mildly OCD myself. Also, not that I ever thought it's okay to toss around OCD in a joking manner, but reading Puzzled just reinforced how harmful it can be to minimize it so carelessly.

[vanessa · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is so real. I felt what the author/illustrator Pan Cooke was saying basically on every single page. The pacing of explaining his different obsessions and compulsions shows the trajectory of the illness. The illustrations are simple and to the point. I liked the explanation of therapy and how his life is now. Honestly certain pages just really hit for me. I couldn’t put it down.

[Cami · Rating 2 out of 5]

OCD is a condition that I want to learn more about, because there is such a large gap between what most people mean when they casually call something OCD and what it's like to actually have OCD. I'm sure that this graphic memoir can serve as a great tool for certain folks, but I just thought it was OK. I wouldn't call it visually compelling, because the art style doesn't appeal to me personally. And in terms of content, it's an honest glimpse into the author's life, which I appreciate. But I was most interested by the end, when the narrator began seeking psychiatric help and educating readers about topics such as ERP (exposure and response prevention).

I was startled by the statistic that the average person with OCD goes eleven years with symptoms before seeing a professional, so I can't fault this memoir for its pacing. Still, I often find it difficult to read stories where someone doesn't know the words to describe what they're going through, because I prefer reading about people's life post-discovery. "Loveless" by Alice Oseman is a good example of this. I'm glad that the novel exists, but I would prefer to read books about characters who already know they're aroace and are exploring that identity, rather than books where they're grappling with their lack of knowledge/terminology.

Similarly, I'm glad that this graphic memoir exists, because I'm sure that it'll help a lot of people better understand OCD and themselves. For many people, this would probably be a 4 or 5 star read. But for me, its main impact was helping me zero in on the kinds of stories about OCD that I want to hear more of: mainly, how people address their OCD as adults rather than how it confused them as a child.

[Davenport Public Library Iowa · Rating 3 out of 5]

Readers looking for insight on what it's like growing up with undiagnosed OCD should read Puzzled: A Memoir about Growing Up with OCD by Pan Cooke. Pan shares his story from different stages of childhood with a pop-in from adult Pan at the end. This was a lovely, openminded read about one person's journey growing up with OCD.

Pan is ten years old when the anxious thoughts start to take over. They rule his brain like puzzle pieces that don't quite fit together or ones that are missing entirely. Pan has become an impossible puzzle that he can't figure out. As he works to find answers to the swirling thoughts in his brain, he is bombarded by repeating questions and fears that can only be pacified through repeated rituals that take time to go through. His compulsions being to impact his ability to do his normal tasks. His friendships start fading, his anxiety ratchets up, and Pan is left at a loss of what to do.

After living for years with no answers, Pan learns that he has obsessive compulsive disorder. His anxious thoughts, missing puzzle pieces, and his attempts to solve the mess he feels are all evidence that he has OCD. This middle grade graphic memoir shows Pan's journey from living with OCD to learning about OCD and what he can do to help quiet his thoughts.

While I enjoyed this middle grade graphic memoir, I was left wanting more. Many of my favorite graphic memoirs that discuss mental health list resources and sources of information in the back. While I understand that this is a graphic memoir for kids, I still would have liked some resources, websites, or organizations presented. Even though these were absent, Pan's evolving relationships with his friends, family, doctors, and therapist all modeled changing ties between others, as well as positive and negative relationships. Showing Pan working through his thoughts on his own, while trying to find paths that worked for him and help, was very realistic. All in all, I'm glad I decided to pick up this book as Pan was incredibly candid and open about his mental health.
- Stephanie, Information Services Librarian

[Eliott · Rating 3 out of 5]

Thank you to Penguin Young Readers Group for letting me read an ARC of this book through NetGalley!

*Note: I rated this book on the non-fiction version of the CAWPILE system, since it is a memoir.

Puzzled
Overall Rating: ⭐ ⭐ ⭐ (3/5) or 6.57/10 overall

Credibility/Research - 6
Since the book is from and about Cooke's own experiences, there is much credibility in this book. I do think there could have been more of an explanation of what OCD is - the information provided felt fairly surface-level. However, I understand that the book is not trying to be super scientific, so I get that it might not have fit the tone as well.

Authenticity/Uniqueness - 7
The book was certainly authentic and had a clear focus. However, it didn't feel super unique or original. While it's true that there aren't many accurate books about OCD on the market today, that felt like the only uniqueness point I could really give this book.

Writing - 7
The writing was fine, if a bit bland at times. I enjoyed the extended metaphor of the puzzle throughout the book and the perspective of the different manifestations of OCD symptoms.

Personal Impact - 6
I was glad to have learned more about OCD from this book, but this didn't have a big personal impact for me otherwise. However, I think this book will likely have a bigger impact for those who have OCD as they can see similar experiences reflected back to them in a likeable and heartfelt story.

Intrigue - 7
I was intrigued by the description and cover of this book. I was interested to learn more about OCD and I think I came away with some new insights after reading this story.

Logic/Informativeness - 7
The story that was told and the conclusions drawn seemed logical. This book was fairly informative about what experiences with OCD can look like.

Enjoyment - 6
I enjoyed learning about Cooke's journey to learning about, managing, and accepting his OCD. :)

[Natalie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Puzzled by Pan Cooke is follows the author on their journey through growing up with OCD. Growing up with OCD is hard, and not knowing it makes it even harder. I felt like this book did a very good job portraying how obsessions and compulsions manifest and are experienced by someone with OCD. There were little moments here and there when I had to check in with myself, as I felt that familiar anxiety and uncertainty flooding in. However, I felt so much better when the story concluded with Cooke’s visit to a cognitive behavioral therapist. Exposure response prevention was explained so well. I wish more of the story could’ve included what supports for OCD look like, especially as its structure was geared towards a younger audience in need of supports earlier in life. It was a bit of a missing piece for me. Still, I’m glad books like this exist as now younger people with OCD have representations to look to, to know they’re not alone in how hard it is out there, and to know there are supports to make living everyday life a bit easier

[Sally Kruger]

PUZZLED is a graphic memoir about growing up with OCD. Author Pan Cooke presents his experiences beginning in childhood with feelings and impulses he often couldn't explain.

He describes his feelings as puzzle pieces that never seemed to fit together. He shares how he worried about the anxious thoughts that constantly bombarded his brain. In attempts to control his feelings, he became trapped by exhausting rituals. No one understood what he was experiencing.

Cooke's humorous yet honest description of living with OCD is sure to help others who share this difficult condition.

[Amy · Rating 3 out of 5]

7/10--As someone with self-diagnosed OCD, I found so much that resonated with me in this memoir. I wish I'd had this book as a young teen. It's so accessible, and I know it would have helped me feel less alone and less scared by the obsessive thoughts I had on a daily basis.

I will say that, at least for me, the puzzle analogy got a little old. It is used both in text and in illustration over and over again, and it lost some of its impact towards the end of the book.

[Adam · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a pretty broad overview of OCD that I think will help young adults. I found it to be a pretty easy read. I like that it handles some more distressing situations with humor.
I learned that it takes on average 11 years for people with OCD to seek help. I absolutely believe that as I went even longer. I also find it interesting that the author is 32 which is how old I was when I finally spoke to a therapist and was diagnosed. The car scenes in particular are true for me.

[Mollie A · Rating 5 out of 5]

I chose to read this because my partner has OCD. It helped paint a picture to create another type of understanding what it can/be/is like (which has MANY forms) for him and others with this mental health disorder

[Diana Flores · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 stars, rounded up.

A pretty good medical memoir, but not as good as others I've read.

[Ash · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5

[Elizabeth · Rating 3 out of 5]

"...wait... is this play about us?"
very good, very relatable (unfortunately)

[Ruqayyah · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this. I can relate so much and it feels good to know there are others like you dealing with the same problems. I have ocd and anorexia myself so this hit home

[Heather · Rating 5 out of 5]

I thought this was so good! Such a great explanation of the author’s experience living with OCD.

[Caroline · Rating 5 out of 5]

Pan Cooke's graphic memoir about growing up with undiagnosed OCD is a powerful and informative book for upper middle grade readers. Following his experiences from age 10 up through high-school, this book dispels myths about OCD and shows the various forms the disease can take on. In an authentic and unflinching narrative, Pan shares his experiences with mental illness. The story ends with Pan going to therapy and receiving help to manage his OCD.
This is a heavy but necessary read. Essential reading for young teens who may be struggling with OCD behaviors or seeking to understand their peers better.

[Krista · Rating 3 out of 5]

I definitely know people that are undiagnosed but have strong OCD tendencies. I think the other extreme is knowing you have that label and letting it be an excuse for your actions/lifestyle choices. I found this book to be a balanced approach and over all very fascinating!

[Kayleigh · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a decent graphic memoir for people who might not know much about OCD and how it can affect people. As someone who is a little more familiar with it, the things discussed in this book just didn’t really grip me and the illustrations were good but simple, so there wasn’t anything visual to keep me engaged either. I felt like we were really just scratching the surface. That’s not the book’s problem, it’s just that I wasn’t the intended reader!

[Elise · Rating 5 out of 5]

By now, you know that I cannot resist a graphic novel memoir. What I loved about this one was the way the author used visual metaphors to convey the experience of having and coping with OCD. Not only does this help readers empathize with his experience, it also inspires them to think about how they might use the powerful tool of metaphor to share about their own life experiences.