A Man's Greatest Challenge: How to build self control that lasts

by Dai Hankey

Ever wished you hadn't lost control of your words, or your time, or your temper?
Ever resolved not to do something ever again, only to slip back after a week or a month?

Self-control. It's every man's greatest challenge.

The Bible says that a man without self control is like a city without walls - defenceless in the face of attack. Lack of self-control is the weakness that lies beneath so many of our sins, from adultery and violence to the way we drive or fritter away our time.

This book will show you why to, and how to, build self-control that lasts. In showing you what the Son of God has done for you, and what the Spirit of God is doing in you, it will equip you to become the man you want to be, and the man those around you need you to be.

It's time to start building.

Genres: Christianity, Religion, Christian Living, Christian

123 pages, Kindle Edition

First published September 29, 2014

About the author

Dai Hankey is a church-planting Pastor in the Welsh Valleys where he lives with his wife, Michelle and four young children. Dai is a former skate-boarder and loves to DJ. He is the author of The Hard Corps and A Man's Greatest Challenge.

Reviews

[Lukas Mason · Rating 5 out of 5]

Solid, scriptural exhortation tossed at you in a no-nonsense way.

[Nick Jones · Rating 4 out of 5]

Concise and gospel-centered.

[Chris Wray · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is an excellent and edifying little book on an often neglected topic: self-control. It is not hyperbole to say that the battle for self-control is one of the greatest challenges of our lives. When we reflect on our sins and struggles, we will recognise that losing control in one way or another is usually part of the problem. Scripture describes us as like cities, and when we lack self-control, we are like a city whose walls are broken down (Proverbs 25:28). We need the walls of self-control to protect us, and like a city wall, a single area of weakness in our self-control leaves us vulnerable to defeat.

The history of the Old Testament kings is also instructive in this regard. When a God- fearing king was on the throne, statues of fake gods - idols - were torn down, and the walls of the nation's towns were built. Security was maintained and the people enjoyed times of peace, prosperity and blessing. Similarly, the godly man will identify and deal with the idols in his life, and he will also work on building up his walls, which, Solomon tells us, means building self-control.

The pattern for our pursuit of self-control is Jesus himself, as he demonstrated perfect self-control in every way. The specifics that Hankey explores are self-control with regard to temptation, fear, power and the tongue. Strikingly, Jesus met temptation with iron self-control when he was tired, hungry and alone - times when we typically struggle to exercise self-control. Jesus stayed focused, clung to Scripture, stood his ground, and "the devil left him", beaten back by the walls.

Christ-like walls can be built, whoever you are and whatever your character and your past. And it starts with clearing the wreckage of our sin. Hankey identifies four steps in this process, tied to David's prayer of repentance in Psalm 51 (Turn to God; Own your guilt; Receive the grace of the cross; Set gospel goals)

- Step one: GOD - turn to him. Many men are far more persuaded of our wretchedness than we are of God's love. While that remains the case, we will instinctively turn away from God in shame, rather than humbly turning to him for mercy. Conversely, the more aware we are of God's love, the quicker we will turn to him for help. We need to remember both the truth about ourselves (we're wretched) and the truth about God (he is abundantly merciful).
- Step two: GUILT - own it. Psalm 51 is instructive here, as David both knew that he was a sinner and saw that his sin was primarily an offence against God.
- Step three: GRACE - receive it. Hyssop was used as part of the sacrificial ritual (from Passover); it was synonymous with sacrifice, mercy, deliverance and purification. David recognised that his soul could only be cleansed, his life could only be saved, by the blood of a lamb applied to his soul. He needed cleansing with hyssop; he needed the blood of a lamb painted not round his door so much as over his heart.
- Step four: GOALS - set them, and move forward in faith.

Next, we can turn to laying foundations. Solid foundations require two things: precise preparation and hard work. Our blueprint is Jesus, and being like him is our goal, but he is also our starting place and foundation. How do we ensure that we are building on Christ as our foundation stone? Isaiah helps us out: "Whoever believes need never be shaken." Simply, we just need to believe.

- 1. Build on Jesus: Faith in Jesus is the key to a strong foundation.
- 2. Build on Jesus' words: The word of God is foundational in building self-control that lasts. Building on Christ's words means not only knowing his commands, but also enjoying his invitations, remembering not so much what we should do, but who we are. Scripture tells us about what Jesus has done for us far more than it tells us what we ought to do for him. We need to remember that, otherwise the Bible is changed from being the Rock on which we build to the boulder beneath which we are crushed. "Scripture never expects us to hear God's commands to us in isolation from the serious contemplation of God's work for us in Christ."
- 3. Build on Jesus' work:
a. Jesus died to redeem us from all lawlessness
b. Jesus died to purify us
c. Jesus died to reconfigure our passions

In sum, the foundation of our self-control is Jesus. We build on his word and his work, and we live believing in him. Christ does not simply teach us; he changes us.

We also need to avoid the mistake of thinking we can do this work of building self-control alone. We need friends around us:
- 1. A true friend will go to war with you
- 2. A true friend speaks the truth, even when it hurts
- 3. A true friend makes you stronger

Becoming a man of self-control is a huge undertaking, but how reassuring it is to recognise that we don’t have to do this alone, and how humbling it is to realise that we are unable to do this alone. Walls also need cement, and the cement in our walls of self-control is the Holy Spirit himself. Just as we need a team around us as we build self-control, even more, we need the Spirit working within us as we build.

Finally, we consider the bricks that make up the walls of our self-control. The section about what we have to do rightly follows the reminders of what has been done for us. As we remember what God has already done in his Son, and continues to do for us through his Spirit, we need to roll up our sleeves and get to work.

- Brick #1: Alertness. Know when and how we struggle.
- Brick #2: Brutality. Kill sin mercilessly.
- Brick #3: Word. Steep ourselves in scripture.
- Brick #4: Prayer. The Lord's prayer instructs us that:
a) God's glory is primary in my life
b) God's purposes supersede my passions
c) God's provision is all that I need
d) God's forgiveness covers my failures
e) God's grace sets me free
f) God's deliverance is available
- Brick #5: Discipline.
- Brick #6: Passion. Self-control cannot be achieved by the suppression of our passions alone. We are, by nature, people of passion, created in the image of a passionate God, and he does not want us to be passionless. He wants to redeem and reconfigure our passions. When it comes down to it, our lack of self-control is a worship issue. We choose to lust after idols instead of loving God. Our objective is not to somehow "switch off" our passions, but rather to redirect them towards the One for whom our passion primarily exists.

As he concludes, Hankey reminds us of all he said to this point:

- We can't build without a blueprint - we have the life of Christ.
- We can't build without clearing the wreckage - we have the death of Christ.
- We can't build without foundations - we have the word and work of Christ.
- We can't build without cement - we have the Spirit of Christ.
- It's very hard to build without a gang - we have the church of Christ.
- We can't build without bricks - mercifully, we have been supplied with a shipment of solid bricks with which to build.

"But even with all this, you still have to build. It's hard work, but it's work that's worth it. You have everything you need to build a life of self-control." Amen to that!

[Tom Sussex · Rating 4 out of 5]

Just a great little book and I will definitely be recommending to others. The writing is modern, easy to understand, and reminiscent of Puritan teaching (often quoted within). Packed full of helpful, practical reminders of the gospel to encourage the soul; and honest, direct questions to challenge the heart.

[Peter Jones · Rating 3 out of 5]

The author did a great job laying the gospel as the foundation for our self-control. But I felt his practical suggestions were weak. He did not cover enough ground or give enough specifics. There are better books on the subject out there, though this is not a bad introduction.

[Nick Butcher · Rating 4 out of 5]

A really helpful guide on self control which challenges and encourages you to change.

[douglas fruchey · Rating 4 out of 5]

nice read.. encouraging

Definitely a hood read for anyone needing encouragement.. even for an American reading a Brit’s book.. very well written and enjoyable

[Kevin Hall · Rating 4 out of 5]

Straightforward and practical

Good read. It is easy reading, short, and helpful. The end of the book is the best part but the foundation for it is laid in the first part.

[Luke Smith · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great little book to help us men to start “rebuilding walls” that can’t be torn down. Very easy to read and engaging.

[Kevin · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an excellent short read about develoing Biblical self control and fighting sin and temptation from a variety of issues.

[Jonny Swales · Rating 5 out of 5]

A helpful pastoral exposition of Psalm 51 to deal with the problem of sexual sin amongst men. This book helped me know and feel the forgiveness of God in Christ again, resparked joy and motivation, and encouraged me to get up and fight again.

[Hopson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Hankey's book on self-control is simple, clear, and helpful. Although he doesn't delve deeply into the particulars of self-control, he labors to show the reader that true self-control stems from a right understanding of Christ and His Gospel. A helpful resource for anyone (like me) striving to grow in the Spirit's fruit of self-control.

For Tim Challies' 2016 Reading Challenge, this is the book I read with a fruit of the Spirit in the title (the subtitle is "How to Build Self-Control that Lasts").

[Daniel l Saugstad · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very encouraging

There really aren't a ton of books on self-control so I'm very very happy to have found this book. I was gripped with the reality that the people in my life need for me to have self-control or our lives will be destroyed like a city without walls. Take up and read, best if done with a group of guys.

[Peter Johnson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good sound reading for a man.

[Christopher · Rating 3 out of 5]

Boxes slightly above its weight class because the advice is solid. Summary: apply the gospel liberally, and work hard.

[John · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is an easy read and very clear. Any man would benefit from this.

[Peter]

Hankey provides in a Biblical and practical manner the steps to build up self control. He uses the image of building a wall to help us see that the foundation, the blueprint, the cement that holds the wall together, etc. all comes from God. Every Christian man should read this.