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Zombie Sharks with Metal Teeth
The New York Times–bestselling author “has created the tales here with experimental glee, yielding an astonishing assortment of mutated manuscripts” (Jeremy Robert Johnson, author of The Loop).
Take a deep dive into the delightfully twisted mind of bestselling horror author Stephen Graham Jones with the more than twenty short stories in Zombie Sharks with Metal Teeth. Experience a day in the life of superhero Vigilante Man and his alter ego, an ace accountant, in “My Hero.” In “Little Monsters,” it’s one compromise after another when a couple tries to design a nightmare creature to foist upon the world. A man writes to Dear Abby for advice on whether or not to tell his wife of thirty-eight years that she transforms into a wolf at night, signing off as “Old Meat.” “I Was a Teenage Slasher Victim” explores the generational trauma of summer camp serial killer survivors—the sequel you can’t miss!
Zombie Sharks with Metal Teeth is the perfect summer beach read—or for any time you want to cool things down with chilling short fiction from one of our finest horror authors.
Take a deep dive into the delightfully twisted mind of bestselling horror author Stephen Graham Jones with the more than twenty short stories in Zombie Sharks with Metal Teeth. Experience a day in the life of superhero Vigilante Man and his alter ego, an ace accountant, in “My Hero.” In “Little Monsters,” it’s one compromise after another when a couple tries to design a nightmare creature to foist upon the world. A man writes to Dear Abby for advice on whether or not to tell his wife of thirty-eight years that she transforms into a wolf at night, signing off as “Old Meat.” “I Was a Teenage Slasher Victim” explores the generational trauma of summer camp serial killer survivors—the sequel you can’t miss!
Zombie Sharks with Metal Teeth is the perfect summer beach read—or for any time you want to cool things down with chilling short fiction from one of our finest horror authors.
192 pages, Paperback
First published August 1, 2013
53 people are currently reading
928 people want to read
About the author
Stephen Graham Jones
236 books14.8k followersStephen Graham Jones is the NYT bestselling author thirty-five or so books. He really likes werewolves and slashers. Favorite novels change daily, but Valis and Love Medicine and Lonesome Dove and It and The Things They Carried are all usually up there somewhere. Stephen lives in Boulder, Colorado. It's a big change from the West Texas he grew up in.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 72 reviews
July 15, 2018
come enjoy the many faces of karen!
SO - since iam was reading only shark-related books for shark week, and i somehow hadn't realized this was a book of short stories and not an entire book about zombie sharks with metal teeth, my plan was to read the whole book, but only review the titular story. only, i can't even do THAT because of LIES! it is NOT a story about zombie sharks with metal teeth at all, but towards the end there's a half-veiled reference to something that could happen given the circumstances, which is definitely not enough content to generate a review. so thanks for that, mr jones. although i learned in the acknowledgments (because yeah - i always read the acknowledgments, what of it??) i learned that cameron pierce is to blame for the collection's (and presumably the story's) title, since jones claims, My title was, as is often the case, stupid. stupid it may have been, but at least it wouldn't have led me to stray off course on my sharks-only reading path. i feel like such a fraud!
so now i gotta review this in some way. this is a collection of bibs and bobs that jones wrote over a period of time and in a variety of styles that didn't seem to fit anywhere. or, as the acknowledgments state (because i'm just gonna review the acknowledgments, apparently) I knew I had this one directory of stories that were always oozing out over the fences, peering back over with their stalk-eyes and grinning goodbye in their secret evil ways, but until Cameron hit me up to collect them, I never knew what they could look like all in place. well, this is what it looks like. utterly sharkless.
so to keep in interesting (for me) here is a review of every story in facial expressions. and you will forgive me for not putting on makeup for this or trying to look all glamorous. it's too hot and i have too many books to review to get any fancier than this.
Good Times
dog nipple. ew
The Age of Hasty Retreats
interesting advice for surviving the zombie apocalypse
My Hero
i don't think i have a single emotion in response to this story of cubicle heroism
How Billy Hanson Destroyed the Planet Earth, and Everyone On It
not sure i fully understood this one. story notes (because yeah - i always read the story notes, what of it??) say - I wanted to see if you could actually use stars' gravity to look through like a tunnel. Turns out you can, but you shouldn't. That seems to be the story a lot of the time, really.
the parts i understood i liked
Little Monsters
i liked this one - short but cute. my squinty eye is meant to convey how short the story is.
The Half Life of Parents
weird, but fun. creepysweet.
Old Meat
i liked this one a lot - a great spin on a known mythology. also - great title.
Nearer to Thee
i didn't think i was going to like this one at first, but it won me over with its slow reveal. that is a gradual smile, suffering from technical limitations.
Jumpers
i'll let m. skellington take this one
i'm interested, but what does it mean?
The Sea of Intranquility
i love all the amplified noir stuff married to the sci-fi:
She settled into this tall chair I had back then, crossed her legs like she'd just flunked out of leg-crossing school. At least the one for ladies.
I would have lit her cigarette for her, except for the bans. Everybody was afraid of lighting the atmosphere on fire again.
but like with so many stories in this collection, he lost me somewhere along the way. you know, giant space lobsters and all...
This is Not What I Meant
no fucking clue, man
The Case Against Humanity
this one i liked a lot, bitterly
Hell on the Homefront Too
definite thumbs-up
I Was a Teenage Slasher Victim
definite two thumbs up, but these are selfies and no one knows how to work a camera timer
The Many Stages of Grief
this one i found very disquieting and surreal but oddly affecting. story notes say This is the one where the main character is me, without any hiding at all. Not even a little, which only intensifies my feelings of disquiet.
Catch and Release
loved!
Submitted for Your Approval
loved like candy!
Deathtrap Whirlpool
very cool. food for thought…
and i like the idea of a future in which …all the big problems, hungers, war, disease, oil, math, that's all been solved by then. Like, generations ago. Seriously.
Zombie Sharks with Metal Teeth
no! lies!
begrudgingly, i must admit i enjoyed it, but still - lies.
Rocket Man
fun stephen king-ish coming of age story. with zombies. i approve. i am, however, running out of different faces for the liking of things.
Because My Therapist Asked Me to Tell a Story Using Hamsters
gross weird fun. my kind of fun.
The Calorie Doctor
best half page story ever. squinchy eyes meant to convey how this one is even shorter than that other short one i liked.
so, there you have it. a book review.
ta;dr* - a bit of a mixed bag, for my particular tastes, and some editing malfunctions, it must be noted -including a typo in the very first sentence of the very first story, COME ON! and an overuse of the word "bilateral," but otherwise a bunch of stories i am glad i read, even if there were zero sharks for shark week.
*too adorable, didn't read
come to my blog!
SO - since i
so now i gotta review this in some way. this is a collection of bibs and bobs that jones wrote over a period of time and in a variety of styles that didn't seem to fit anywhere. or, as the acknowledgments state (because i'm just gonna review the acknowledgments, apparently) I knew I had this one directory of stories that were always oozing out over the fences, peering back over with their stalk-eyes and grinning goodbye in their secret evil ways, but until Cameron hit me up to collect them, I never knew what they could look like all in place. well, this is what it looks like. utterly sharkless.
so to keep in interesting (for me) here is a review of every story in facial expressions. and you will forgive me for not putting on makeup for this or trying to look all glamorous. it's too hot and i have too many books to review to get any fancier than this.
Good Times
dog nipple. ew
The Age of Hasty Retreats
interesting advice for surviving the zombie apocalypse
My Hero
i don't think i have a single emotion in response to this story of cubicle heroism
How Billy Hanson Destroyed the Planet Earth, and Everyone On It
not sure i fully understood this one. story notes (because yeah - i always read the story notes, what of it??) say - I wanted to see if you could actually use stars' gravity to look through like a tunnel. Turns out you can, but you shouldn't. That seems to be the story a lot of the time, really.
the parts i understood i liked
Little Monsters
i liked this one - short but cute. my squinty eye is meant to convey how short the story is.
The Half Life of Parents
weird, but fun. creepysweet.
Old Meat
i liked this one a lot - a great spin on a known mythology. also - great title.
Nearer to Thee
i didn't think i was going to like this one at first, but it won me over with its slow reveal. that is a gradual smile, suffering from technical limitations.
Jumpers
i'll let m. skellington take this one
i'm interested, but what does it mean?
The Sea of Intranquility
i love all the amplified noir stuff married to the sci-fi:
She settled into this tall chair I had back then, crossed her legs like she'd just flunked out of leg-crossing school. At least the one for ladies.
I would have lit her cigarette for her, except for the bans. Everybody was afraid of lighting the atmosphere on fire again.
but like with so many stories in this collection, he lost me somewhere along the way. you know, giant space lobsters and all...
This is Not What I Meant
no fucking clue, man
The Case Against Humanity
this one i liked a lot, bitterly
Hell on the Homefront Too
definite thumbs-up
I Was a Teenage Slasher Victim
definite two thumbs up, but these are selfies and no one knows how to work a camera timer
The Many Stages of Grief
this one i found very disquieting and surreal but oddly affecting. story notes say This is the one where the main character is me, without any hiding at all. Not even a little, which only intensifies my feelings of disquiet.
Catch and Release
loved!
Submitted for Your Approval
loved like candy!
Deathtrap Whirlpool
very cool. food for thought…
and i like the idea of a future in which …all the big problems, hungers, war, disease, oil, math, that's all been solved by then. Like, generations ago. Seriously.
Zombie Sharks with Metal Teeth
no! lies!
begrudgingly, i must admit i enjoyed it, but still - lies.
Rocket Man
fun stephen king-ish coming of age story. with zombies. i approve. i am, however, running out of different faces for the liking of things.
Because My Therapist Asked Me to Tell a Story Using Hamsters
gross weird fun. my kind of fun.
The Calorie Doctor
best half page story ever. squinchy eyes meant to convey how this one is even shorter than that other short one i liked.
so, there you have it. a book review.
ta;dr* - a bit of a mixed bag, for my particular tastes, and some editing malfunctions, it must be noted -including a typo in the very first sentence of the very first story, COME ON! and an overuse of the word "bilateral," but otherwise a bunch of stories i am glad i read, even if there were zero sharks for shark week.
*too adorable, didn't read
come to my blog!
July 16, 2022
I love short stories and I love SGJ books, so this has to be ideal for me, right? Right!
As in all his writing, Jones really puts thought into every single one of his stories here too, no matter how short they are, which makes this seriously quality reading. I think I will keep on returning to these stories often.
My highlights are;
“How Billy Hanson Destroyed the Planet Earth, and Everyone On It” – There are sentences here which, in a bid to advocate Billy Hanson's innocence from having annihilated Earth, become absurdly fun. Take the epic opening line for instance: “He wouldn't say this later, because he'd be dead along with everyone else, blasted into a cloud of comparatively warm ash swirling around in what had been Earth's orbital plane, but it wasn't his fault. Really.” - this one reminded me of the pleading in Night of the Mannequins, and I love that novella!
The story here takes an unexpected turn into serious speculative terrain – and I love that just as much.
“The Sea of Intranquility” – Another speculative, absurdist gem: What starts as a detective looking for his client's missing husband ends up opening for us readers the doors to a completely insane universe which involves space lobsters. Awesome.
“The Case Against Humanity” – The title say it all. Somehow manages to be sad, kind of funny, infuriating all at once in, like, a one page story.
“Zombie Sharks with Metal Teeth” – One of the many stories revolving around people conducting laboratory work and had me guessing the connection to the infamous title until the very last line.
“Rocket Man” – Baseball with zombies...
“Because My Therapist Asked Me To Tell A Story Using Hamsters” – Is it OK that I love this story despite its title and despite the fact that it deals with domestic violence in hamster families? I say it is.
“The Calorie Doctor” – Nice and short one, great final story!
In the very end, there are notes for each story too, how they were written, how the idea came to be, sometimes how fast they were written and reading that really gives you a little more insight and sometimes helps better understand the writing.
Five-star-collection!
As in all his writing, Jones really puts thought into every single one of his stories here too, no matter how short they are, which makes this seriously quality reading. I think I will keep on returning to these stories often.
My highlights are;
“How Billy Hanson Destroyed the Planet Earth, and Everyone On It” – There are sentences here which, in a bid to advocate Billy Hanson's innocence from having annihilated Earth, become absurdly fun. Take the epic opening line for instance: “He wouldn't say this later, because he'd be dead along with everyone else, blasted into a cloud of comparatively warm ash swirling around in what had been Earth's orbital plane, but it wasn't his fault. Really.” - this one reminded me of the pleading in Night of the Mannequins, and I love that novella!
The story here takes an unexpected turn into serious speculative terrain – and I love that just as much.
“The Sea of Intranquility” – Another speculative, absurdist gem: What starts as a detective looking for his client's missing husband ends up opening for us readers the doors to a completely insane universe which involves space lobsters. Awesome.
“The Case Against Humanity” – The title say it all. Somehow manages to be sad, kind of funny, infuriating all at once in, like, a one page story.
“Zombie Sharks with Metal Teeth” – One of the many stories revolving around people conducting laboratory work and had me guessing the connection to the infamous title until the very last line.
“Rocket Man” – Baseball with zombies...
“Because My Therapist Asked Me To Tell A Story Using Hamsters” – Is it OK that I love this story despite its title and despite the fact that it deals with domestic violence in hamster families? I say it is.
“The Calorie Doctor” – Nice and short one, great final story!
In the very end, there are notes for each story too, how they were written, how the idea came to be, sometimes how fast they were written and reading that really gives you a little more insight and sometimes helps better understand the writing.
Five-star-collection!
April 23, 2023
One of, if not the strangest collection of stories that I have read to date.
I was expecting a lot from Zombie Sharks with Metal Teeth by Stephen Graham Jones, but I was left mostly disappointed by this book.
The premise sounded promising, but the execution was lacking for the most part. The stories felt rushed, hollow and predictable. Although not anywhere near to being the worst reading experience in my life this felt so devoid of any real substance or atmosphere. There were a handful of standout stories but for me, the rest were completely throw-away for me.
I won't let this put me off of read more Stephen Graham Jones, short stories tend to be notoriously hit and miss.
I was expecting a lot from Zombie Sharks with Metal Teeth by Stephen Graham Jones, but I was left mostly disappointed by this book.
The premise sounded promising, but the execution was lacking for the most part. The stories felt rushed, hollow and predictable. Although not anywhere near to being the worst reading experience in my life this felt so devoid of any real substance or atmosphere. There were a handful of standout stories but for me, the rest were completely throw-away for me.
I won't let this put me off of read more Stephen Graham Jones, short stories tend to be notoriously hit and miss.
September 24, 2022
There's a fine line between Bizarre and "That's just crazy talk."
Great White sharks look deadly. They have that angry look, with those soulless black eyes and gaping mouth full of toothy teeths. So do taipans, funnel-webs, and crocodiles. They're all wolves in wolf's clothing. Interestingly, this book contains nothing about angry-faced sharks with metal dentures. It does contain a bunch of short stories. Hmm. Is "stories" the right word? "Strange thoughts I've had over the years" would be a better description. Even the titular story has no sharks in it, zombie or otherwise. 😞 I'm not saying the stories are bad; some of them are quite brilliant, some funny and some...well they just seem like the babblings of a bloke from the nuthouse - the one that rocks back and forth and dribbles (much like my book reviews😂).
The writing style is...ahh...cryptic, but the message does get across. "Sea of Tranquility" (no that's not misspelled) shows a brilliant imagination at work. I liked that one. "Submitted For Your Approval" is a slightly longer dissertation involving Rod Serling - the bloke responsible for The Twilight Zone. That one kinda made my eyes glaze over. "Zombie Sharks With Metal Teeth" had this line in it, "Like how when a dog dreams about chasing a car, its leg will kick." "Maybe it's having a karate dream?" That made me snort my cup of tea out my nose. Oh the visuals! "Good Times" had a dog reference that was gross, very gross.
Okay, so I was going to give just ⭐ star since there were no zombie sharks, but I decided to up that to ⭐⭐🌓 (two and a half stars) because some of the stories were okay-to-good. Now Mr Jones - get out there and write a book about Undead White Pointers With Metal Denticles. You have 3 hours. Please put your pencil down when you are finished and put your work on the front desk as you leave the classroom.
Great White sharks look deadly. They have that angry look, with those soulless black eyes and gaping mouth full of toothy teeths. So do taipans, funnel-webs, and crocodiles. They're all wolves in wolf's clothing. Interestingly, this book contains nothing about angry-faced sharks with metal dentures. It does contain a bunch of short stories. Hmm. Is "stories" the right word? "Strange thoughts I've had over the years" would be a better description. Even the titular story has no sharks in it, zombie or otherwise. 😞 I'm not saying the stories are bad; some of them are quite brilliant, some funny and some...well they just seem like the babblings of a bloke from the nuthouse - the one that rocks back and forth and dribbles (much like my book reviews😂).
The writing style is...ahh...cryptic, but the message does get across. "Sea of Tranquility" (no that's not misspelled) shows a brilliant imagination at work. I liked that one. "Submitted For Your Approval" is a slightly longer dissertation involving Rod Serling - the bloke responsible for The Twilight Zone. That one kinda made my eyes glaze over. "Zombie Sharks With Metal Teeth" had this line in it, "Like how when a dog dreams about chasing a car, its leg will kick." "Maybe it's having a karate dream?" That made me snort my cup of tea out my nose. Oh the visuals! "Good Times" had a dog reference that was gross, very gross.
Okay, so I was going to give just ⭐ star since there were no zombie sharks, but I decided to up that to ⭐⭐🌓 (two and a half stars) because some of the stories were okay-to-good. Now Mr Jones - get out there and write a book about Undead White Pointers With Metal Denticles. You have 3 hours. Please put your pencil down when you are finished and put your work on the front desk as you leave the classroom.
December 16, 2022
Sometimes I like Jones’ stories and sometimes I just don’t get them and don’t care to get them. A lot of these were so hard for me to picture what was actually going on that I ended up checking out. There were a few I did enjoy- hence not a 1 star. But I think I’m going to take a break from Jones as it seems him and I just don’t gel well.
Might I add with a title like that- there should be some zombie shark action. Not a shark in sight. And this collection wasn’t what I was expecting AT ALL.
Might I add with a title like that- there should be some zombie shark action. Not a shark in sight. And this collection wasn’t what I was expecting AT ALL.
January 19, 2023
In this collection of stories, SGJ has challenged himself to write about some of the more "no boundaries" shocking ideas and situations he could contrive, completely free of moral restraint. The results are, of course, stunning intrusions into our sanitized lives.
That imagination, though. Just amazing.
Do not skip the intro, which is wonderful, or the Story Notes, which are illuminating.
That imagination, though. Just amazing.
Do not skip the intro, which is wonderful, or the Story Notes, which are illuminating.
November 5, 2014
Read 10/11/13 - 10/30/13
4 Stars - Strongly Recommended to fans of the bizarro, because here there be loads of it
161 Pages (Ebook)
If ever a title both caught my attention and caused me confusion, this is it! I've never read anything by Jones previously, and I certainly plan to rectify that in the very near future. The writing, people. The writing is phenomenal in this incredibly fucked up kind of way.
Dude's got a great way of working out the bizarre to make it seem just normal enough... and oh my GAWD the opening story with the dad and his son. It pulled every fucking heart string I had and I wasn't sure I could continue reading the rest of the stories if there was a chance that they were going to be even remotely similar but the curiosity was killing me so I threw myself headfirst into it all.
Jones is like a mad scientist, rolling up his sleeves to play elbow-deep with his creations before strangling them quietly to death and burying them deep in the ground where they'll dissolve into dry and brittle bones with our memories of them buried right there, alongside.
4 Stars - Strongly Recommended to fans of the bizarro, because here there be loads of it
161 Pages (Ebook)
If ever a title both caught my attention and caused me confusion, this is it! I've never read anything by Jones previously, and I certainly plan to rectify that in the very near future. The writing, people. The writing is phenomenal in this incredibly fucked up kind of way.
Dude's got a great way of working out the bizarre to make it seem just normal enough... and oh my GAWD the opening story with the dad and his son. It pulled every fucking heart string I had and I wasn't sure I could continue reading the rest of the stories if there was a chance that they were going to be even remotely similar but the curiosity was killing me so I threw myself headfirst into it all.
Jones is like a mad scientist, rolling up his sleeves to play elbow-deep with his creations before strangling them quietly to death and burying them deep in the ground where they'll dissolve into dry and brittle bones with our memories of them buried right there, alongside.
April 24, 2022
This was quite the hodgepodge of stories. A better "sea" related name for this book would have been Flotsam and Jetsam, which is defined by the National Ocean Service as
That is what this Collection feels like. There are some good, some, just ok, and many many weird stories in this little slice of oddness.
Here are my one sentence reviews of each story:
Good Times: Has anyone checked on Stephen Graham Jones' dog and made sure she is ok?
The Age of Hasty Retreats: Has anyone checked on Stephen Graham Jones' cat and made sure it is ok?
My Hero: Meh
How Billy Hanson Destroyed the Planet Earth, and Everyone On It: Sometimes it pays not to be nosy about the universe.
Little Monster: Could there be a better description of parenthood?
The Half Life of Parents: Should I be worried about Muppets now?
Old Meat: So good!
Nearer to Thee: Unfortunately I forgot this one and had to look it back up.
Jumpers: I would like the narrators job.
The Sea of Intranquility: Noir is great, giant space lobsters are great, but what did I just read?
This is Not What I Meant: This reminded me of Twilight Zone episode "The After Hours" but I don't know why!
The Case Against Humanity: Haircare in the apocalypse must be hell and Gretchen did what she had to.
Hell on the Homefront Too: That zombie bastard gets what he deserves!
I Was a Teenage Slasher Victim: Mr. Jones really has a thing for slasher tropes.
The Many Stages of Grief: This is Tad's revenge for the atrocities perpetuated in the first story Good Times.
Catch and Release: My favorite story in the collection.
Submitted for Your Approval: Remember what I said in my review of This is Not What I Meant?
Deathtrap Whirlpool: This story gave me the same feelings as when I read any Parallel Universe story.
Zombie Sharks with Metal Teeth: This could win a PETA award.
Rocket Man: Don't fuck with zombies, just don't.
Because My Therapist Asked Me to Tell a Story Using Hamsters: Has anyone checked on Stephen Graham Jones' hamsters and made sure they're ok?
The Calorie Doctor: Has anyone checked on Stephen Graham Jones' therapist and made sure they're ok?
"Flotsam and jetsam are terms that describe two types of marine debris associated with vessels. Flotsam is defined as debris in the water that was not deliberately thrown overboard, often as a result from a shipwreck or accident. Jetsam describes debris that was deliberately thrown overboard by a crew of a ship in distress, most often to lighten the ship's load.
That is what this Collection feels like. There are some good, some, just ok, and many many weird stories in this little slice of oddness.
Here are my one sentence reviews of each story:
Good Times: Has anyone checked on Stephen Graham Jones' dog and made sure she is ok?
The Age of Hasty Retreats: Has anyone checked on Stephen Graham Jones' cat and made sure it is ok?
My Hero: Meh
How Billy Hanson Destroyed the Planet Earth, and Everyone On It: Sometimes it pays not to be nosy about the universe.
Little Monster: Could there be a better description of parenthood?
The Half Life of Parents: Should I be worried about Muppets now?
Old Meat: So good!
Nearer to Thee: Unfortunately I forgot this one and had to look it back up.
Jumpers: I would like the narrators job.
The Sea of Intranquility: Noir is great, giant space lobsters are great, but what did I just read?
This is Not What I Meant: This reminded me of Twilight Zone episode "The After Hours" but I don't know why!
The Case Against Humanity: Haircare in the apocalypse must be hell and Gretchen did what she had to.
Hell on the Homefront Too: That zombie bastard gets what he deserves!
I Was a Teenage Slasher Victim: Mr. Jones really has a thing for slasher tropes.
The Many Stages of Grief: This is Tad's revenge for the atrocities perpetuated in the first story Good Times.
Catch and Release: My favorite story in the collection.
Submitted for Your Approval: Remember what I said in my review of This is Not What I Meant?
Deathtrap Whirlpool: This story gave me the same feelings as when I read any Parallel Universe story.
Zombie Sharks with Metal Teeth: This could win a PETA award.
Rocket Man: Don't fuck with zombies, just don't.
Because My Therapist Asked Me to Tell a Story Using Hamsters: Has anyone checked on Stephen Graham Jones' hamsters and made sure they're ok?
The Calorie Doctor: Has anyone checked on Stephen Graham Jones' therapist and made sure they're ok?
November 10, 2015
Very high marks on the creativity in the collection. It was crafted so well, like each line was highly thought out, with the excess trimmed away. The voice of the author really comes through for me here, and I welcome much more.
August 26, 2019
Something between 3 to 4 this one. There were some incredible histories that really showed the amazing writing of Mr. Jones,but there were others that i couldn't fully understand. Call me dumb if you want but yeah this is a good book.
July 19, 2025
Yep. These weird stories worked for me.
Standouts:
The Age of Hasty Retreats
Old Meat
Jumpers
Zombie Sharks with Metal Teeth
The Calorie Doctor
Standouts:
The Age of Hasty Retreats
Old Meat
Jumpers
Zombie Sharks with Metal Teeth
The Calorie Doctor
November 28, 2013
n this collection there is a story about a family of hamsters that will bring a tear to your eye. I don’t know if you can say that about any other book on the market. But then you couldn’t find a story like any of those contained in Zombie Sharks With Metal Teeth anywhere else.
What we have here, basically, are heartbreaking methods of avoiding being devoured by zombies, bestiality, superheroes bullied in the workplace, scientists bringing around the end of the world, monster building, and a werewolf in old age. And this is in the first 38 pages.
None of the 23 stories here are ones you will feel you have read before, because Stephen Graham Jones writes about these things in a way that no one else does. Or could for that matter. His voice is strong and fresh and never grows tiresome. It’s a voice that if, like me, you have to read it over a period of days, you will find yourself looking forward to the time you get to spend in his worlds.
The reason for this is that there’s a level of human feeling running through these stories that’s hard to achieve in any short story, let alone one about a man whose eye ball has been eaten by his dog because he pretended to eat from the dog’s bowl. Jones takes his stories and characters seriously. They are not gimmicks or tricks designed to show off how smart he is. He is not using weird fiction as a disguise for something else.
This is weird fiction written on the level of anything I’ve read this year. It is weird fiction written with heart, intelligence, and skill. We are talking about a book that is as good or, in my opinion, better than anything you will read by George Saunders, Michael Chabon, Jonathan Lethem, or the stuff pumped out by McSweeney’s and the like.
Reading this collection I kept thinking - this is the best book of short stories I’ve read this year.
Hell, it’s one of the best books I’ve read all year.
What we have here, basically, are heartbreaking methods of avoiding being devoured by zombies, bestiality, superheroes bullied in the workplace, scientists bringing around the end of the world, monster building, and a werewolf in old age. And this is in the first 38 pages.
None of the 23 stories here are ones you will feel you have read before, because Stephen Graham Jones writes about these things in a way that no one else does. Or could for that matter. His voice is strong and fresh and never grows tiresome. It’s a voice that if, like me, you have to read it over a period of days, you will find yourself looking forward to the time you get to spend in his worlds.
The reason for this is that there’s a level of human feeling running through these stories that’s hard to achieve in any short story, let alone one about a man whose eye ball has been eaten by his dog because he pretended to eat from the dog’s bowl. Jones takes his stories and characters seriously. They are not gimmicks or tricks designed to show off how smart he is. He is not using weird fiction as a disguise for something else.
This is weird fiction written on the level of anything I’ve read this year. It is weird fiction written with heart, intelligence, and skill. We are talking about a book that is as good or, in my opinion, better than anything you will read by George Saunders, Michael Chabon, Jonathan Lethem, or the stuff pumped out by McSweeney’s and the like.
Reading this collection I kept thinking - this is the best book of short stories I’ve read this year.
Hell, it’s one of the best books I’ve read all year.
November 6, 2014
Read this now now very now!
June 18, 2025
Thank you Open Road for my free ARC of Zombie Sharks With Metal Teeth by Stephen Graham Jones — reissue edition available Jun 24!
» READ IF YOU «
🧟 love a wacky, unhinged story collection
🦈 enjoyed Pinky & The Brain growing up
🦷 can handle the oddest of the odd stories
» SYNOPSIS «
With a fun little intro by Jeremy Robert Johnson, this is a collection of the weirdest and wonderful…est? short stories that SGJ has to offer. For now, at least. Lab mice, faithful husbands, teenage slashers (!), superheroes, monster children, and more await you…
» REVIEW «
These stories are OUT THERE, babes 😂 Though as always, no matter how insane the premise, there is a distinct thread of humanity and emotion woven through each one. I just finished this little collection, and I have to say, the start is ROUGH—like why do that to me, the first two stories—but they get zanier as you go along. The titular story gives big-time Pinky & The Brain or Dexter’s Laboratory to me, though with a more sinister twist, of course.
Check this baby out if you feel up for something with juuuust a light grip on sanity and reality!!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
» READ IF YOU «
🧟 love a wacky, unhinged story collection
🦈 enjoyed Pinky & The Brain growing up
🦷 can handle the oddest of the odd stories
» SYNOPSIS «
With a fun little intro by Jeremy Robert Johnson, this is a collection of the weirdest and wonderful…est? short stories that SGJ has to offer. For now, at least. Lab mice, faithful husbands, teenage slashers (!), superheroes, monster children, and more await you…
» REVIEW «
These stories are OUT THERE, babes 😂 Though as always, no matter how insane the premise, there is a distinct thread of humanity and emotion woven through each one. I just finished this little collection, and I have to say, the start is ROUGH—like why do that to me, the first two stories—but they get zanier as you go along. The titular story gives big-time Pinky & The Brain or Dexter’s Laboratory to me, though with a more sinister twist, of course.
Check this baby out if you feel up for something with juuuust a light grip on sanity and reality!!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
August 8, 2024
I enjoyed most of the stories and the book was fun to read in public to see everyone's reactions when they read the title. Enter The Twilight Zone, go on set of The Truman Show, meet The Muppets with yarn hair and overkill lipstick. This collection was overall quite enjoyable.
My many favorite stories include: Good Times, The Age of Hasty Retreats, How Billy Hanson Destroyed the Planet Earth, and Everyone On It, The Half Life of Parents, This is Not What I Meant, I Was a Teenage Slasher Victim, Catch and Release, Submitted for Your Approval, Zombie Sharks with Metal Teeth
Favorite Passages:
Little Monsters
We built the monster from leftover pieces of other monsters. A beak here, a tentacle there, claws all over.
_______
My many favorite stories include: Good Times, The Age of Hasty Retreats, How Billy Hanson Destroyed the Planet Earth, and Everyone On It, The Half Life of Parents, This is Not What I Meant, I Was a Teenage Slasher Victim, Catch and Release, Submitted for Your Approval, Zombie Sharks with Metal Teeth
Favorite Passages:
Little Monsters
We built the monster from leftover pieces of other monsters. A beak here, a tentacle there, claws all over.
_______
January 15, 2022
When the author’s note says “If I were a better person I wouldn’t have written this story…” then you know you have gold! This collection of short stories is the most “out there” that I’ve read from Mr. Jones. They go beyond the weird sometimes and definitely into the absurd. I had a blast with some and some I squinted at as I tried not to make direct eye contact with the story. If you’re looking for weird, gross, and wonderful… this is the place to be!
June 2, 2022
Really solid collection of short stories. 4.75⭐ Taking off a quarter star because I was kind of disappointed with the title story. I had expectations going in that weren't quite met. Not a bad story though.
January 5, 2025
I’ve read quite a few SGJ books these last few years and I can confidently state that you never quite know where SGJ is going to take you. I don’t think I’m ever going to guess where his mind goes and I enjoy it. Still pushing the boundaries, still delightfully ambiguous & more experimentally inclined than most authors would dare. His writing is very much a thing that’s either going to agree with you or definitely not. Although this isn’t my favorite collection of his; it’s still a great read (even if ‘good times’ made me wonder if SGJ is alright, lol). Favorites of mine included: The Age of Hasty Retreats, How Billy Hanson Destroyed the Planet Earth and Everyone on it, Little Monsters, Old Meat, The Sea of Intranquility, Hell on the Homefront Too, I Was a Teenage Slasher, The Many Stages of Grief, Submitted for Your Approval, Rocket Man & Because My Therapist Asked Me to Tell a Story Using Hamsters. Overview of the stories (favorites marked with an “*” below. Avoid if you want to go into the collection completely blind like I did.
-Good Times:
A vignette about the most disturbing of dog pettings.
-The Age of Hasty Retreats:*
Zombies have overtaken the place and this story reads like a survival guide/diary of sorts. Two words: cat (puppy) belt..
-My Hero:
Reads like a thoroughly odd short story about an office worker who might (or might not) double as a super hero; at least in his own mind.
-How Billy Hanson Destroyed the Planet Earth, and Everyone On it:*
Billy finds the abyss (or, rather space), gazing back at him as he conducts a very ill-fated experiment that lets him observe more of space than anyone before him has or should.
-Little Monsters:*
People creating their little monsters; don’t we all?
-The Half Life of Parents:
Meeting the in-laws is awkward; even more so when you learn they’re muppets. Deals with loss and parental fears.
-Old Meat:*
An older gent writes a dear Abby column for advice regarding his werewolf wife who seems to be changing willynilly and making him a bit uneasy.
-Nearer to thee:
Reads like a possibly mentally ill person’s ramblings as he makes connections with a band’s name with names of the Titanic victims and game show answers towards the end of times.
-Jumpers:
Another oddball office story where everything small goes wrong for the worker and adds up to where someone unexpected steps in.
-The Sea of Intranquility:*
noir story meets weird scifi in this tale set in a world where people upload human minds into lunar crustaceans & a P.I is hired to find the now-lobster-husband of a sketchy dame with her own hidden agenda.
-This is not what I meant:
Another strange tale from a workplace setting, this time a store where the employees are anxiously awaiting the mysterious ‘inspector from corporate.
-The Case Against Humanity:
The aliens have gotten Gretchen and are using her to infiltrate the human enemy. You end up not feeling particularly bad for the humans after all.
-Hell on the Homefront too:*
The soldier who should have died in the war but somehow didn’t ; returns the hero only to beat on his wife. She has the last laugh/cup.
-I Was a Teenage Slasher Victim:*
A mother recounts a story’s she’s told many times; how she met his father at summer camp. That being said, this time differs from the rest. Kiddo’s the slasher murderer. Trippy and time-warped.
-The Many Stages of Grief:*
A father tries to entertain his toddler by pretending to be a dog & it all goes horribly wrong when the actual dog wants its food. Dude loses his eye and grows ever stranger after that; a strange obsession/delusion about the neighbor/high school coach he believes is watching him and his potential in sports, dog food in his dinner, etc. I’m starting to think no story featuring a dog by SGJ will end well for its protagonist. Dogs as harbingers of ‘that was weird/uncomfortable’? Love the imagery of an eyeball fearfully contracting in dog food
-Catch and Release:
Magic fishing holes. Space fish. A sinking ship. I’m not sure where this was going but it felt oddly comforting.
-Submitted for your approval:*
This one features Mr. Rod Serling watching an episode of the twilight zone. only thing is, he doesn’t remember having written it. Tl;dr: What if you were Serling and found yourself in an episode of The Twilight Zone.
-Deathtrap Whirlpool:
An uncomfortable encounter in the urinal meets The Truman Show. Things might be bleak in the future with people tuning into your life and trying to affect your choices.
-Zombie Sharks With Metal Teeth:
Not entirely ethical animal experiments raises questions of consciousness and existence.
-Rocket Man:*
A coming of age-tale about unrequited love where our protagonist bitterly regrets ‘inviting’ someone to play baseball with them. 4 words: Zombies. Mess. Everything. Up.
-Because My Therapist Asked Me To Tell A Story Using Hamsters:*
A story about growing up in an abusive household but dream interpretationesque. I’m sure proponents of psychoanalysis would love this one. There’s a surprising effectiveness in telling this kind of story in a creature that lends a bit of distance as well as extra unease.
-The Calorie Doctor:
The best way I can describe this is that it merges the weight loss craze with the case of Armin Meiwes.
-Good Times:
A vignette about the most disturbing of dog pettings.
-The Age of Hasty Retreats:*
Zombies have overtaken the place and this story reads like a survival guide/diary of sorts. Two words: cat (puppy) belt..
-My Hero:
Reads like a thoroughly odd short story about an office worker who might (or might not) double as a super hero; at least in his own mind.
-How Billy Hanson Destroyed the Planet Earth, and Everyone On it:*
Billy finds the abyss (or, rather space), gazing back at him as he conducts a very ill-fated experiment that lets him observe more of space than anyone before him has or should.
-Little Monsters:*
People creating their little monsters; don’t we all?
-The Half Life of Parents:
Meeting the in-laws is awkward; even more so when you learn they’re muppets. Deals with loss and parental fears.
-Old Meat:*
An older gent writes a dear Abby column for advice regarding his werewolf wife who seems to be changing willynilly and making him a bit uneasy.
-Nearer to thee:
Reads like a possibly mentally ill person’s ramblings as he makes connections with a band’s name with names of the Titanic victims and game show answers towards the end of times.
-Jumpers:
Another oddball office story where everything small goes wrong for the worker and adds up to where someone unexpected steps in.
-The Sea of Intranquility:*
noir story meets weird scifi in this tale set in a world where people upload human minds into lunar crustaceans & a P.I is hired to find the now-lobster-husband of a sketchy dame with her own hidden agenda.
-This is not what I meant:
Another strange tale from a workplace setting, this time a store where the employees are anxiously awaiting the mysterious ‘inspector from corporate.
-The Case Against Humanity:
The aliens have gotten Gretchen and are using her to infiltrate the human enemy. You end up not feeling particularly bad for the humans after all.
-Hell on the Homefront too:*
The soldier who should have died in the war but somehow didn’t ; returns the hero only to beat on his wife. She has the last laugh/cup.
-I Was a Teenage Slasher Victim:*
A mother recounts a story’s she’s told many times; how she met his father at summer camp. That being said, this time differs from the rest. Kiddo’s the slasher murderer. Trippy and time-warped.
-The Many Stages of Grief:*
A father tries to entertain his toddler by pretending to be a dog & it all goes horribly wrong when the actual dog wants its food. Dude loses his eye and grows ever stranger after that; a strange obsession/delusion about the neighbor/high school coach he believes is watching him and his potential in sports, dog food in his dinner, etc. I’m starting to think no story featuring a dog by SGJ will end well for its protagonist. Dogs as harbingers of ‘that was weird/uncomfortable’? Love the imagery of an eyeball fearfully contracting in dog food
-Catch and Release:
Magic fishing holes. Space fish. A sinking ship. I’m not sure where this was going but it felt oddly comforting.
-Submitted for your approval:*
This one features Mr. Rod Serling watching an episode of the twilight zone. only thing is, he doesn’t remember having written it. Tl;dr: What if you were Serling and found yourself in an episode of The Twilight Zone.
-Deathtrap Whirlpool:
An uncomfortable encounter in the urinal meets The Truman Show. Things might be bleak in the future with people tuning into your life and trying to affect your choices.
-Zombie Sharks With Metal Teeth:
Not entirely ethical animal experiments raises questions of consciousness and existence.
-Rocket Man:*
A coming of age-tale about unrequited love where our protagonist bitterly regrets ‘inviting’ someone to play baseball with them. 4 words: Zombies. Mess. Everything. Up.
-Because My Therapist Asked Me To Tell A Story Using Hamsters:*
A story about growing up in an abusive household but dream interpretationesque. I’m sure proponents of psychoanalysis would love this one. There’s a surprising effectiveness in telling this kind of story in a creature that lends a bit of distance as well as extra unease.
-The Calorie Doctor:
The best way I can describe this is that it merges the weight loss craze with the case of Armin Meiwes.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
April 7, 2025
honestly I have no idea what stephen graham jones is talking about sometimes but the vibes are always immaculate
November 8, 2025
A weird and wonderful short story collection from SGJ. Fun to dip in and out of.
May 5, 2023
We often talk about short story collections being mixed bags. This was a weird bag. And in the classic way you get with weird: sometimes the good kind, sometimes the bad kind, sometimes the "I really don't understand it" kind, and plenty of times the WTF kind. Which, I guess, makes it again a mixed bag.
"Zombie Sharks with Metal Teeth" was not my planned next Stephen Graham Jones read but I found this edition randomly in bookshop and with that cover I said "yes please". Since it looks like SGJ is maybe, potentially, possibly, surely, maybe my new favorite author (I'm hesitant to commit, since I stepped away from Stephen King holding that rank a few years ago I struggle with handing the crown to someone new, but asked at gunpoint my answer might be this) I relish the idea of going a bit into his impressive back catalogue. Where there is apparently some weird stuff hanging around. Here we have a collection of mostly flash fiction, most stories hover between the 1-6 page mark but a few stretch into a 15-ish length. It also took me a good chunk of the month to make it through these 160 pages total, not because it is so bad but it is often so weird I needed time to digest between stories.
Animals pop up in a good amount of these, often in very unexpected and at times disturbing ways, which I liked. Sadly, the Zombie Sharks with Metal Teeth really don't manifest in the way I hoped they would and I feel like I am still owed that promised title and cover! There is also often a blend of Horror and SciFi, didn't quite see that coming. I highly recommend reading SGJ's notes in the end to the inspiration behind each story, you will see he is a "Twilight Zone" fan and it shows in this assemblage. Personally, I am not much of connoisseur of "TZ", mostly I have never really watched it, and it shows in my reaction to these: I liked some of the SciFi laden tales but my favorites seem to align more with my general taste and are the Slasher and Zombie stories. But let me stress this again: there is a lot of weird here. Bizarre and very creative constructs and I think it is safe to say that some will work for you and others won't. 22 total, and I had 3 that I did not understand in the slightest what was happening, which of course might just be my dumb brain but buckle up is my warning. While it isn't new to me that SGJ writes very complex, a bit unusual Horror and is one of the reason I often love him, this book takes that concept to a whole other level. So, again: buckle up! But also be awed by Jones' storytelling capabilities, no news here, but this man can write and can lay down unique scenarios within unique structures, and you'll definitely find that in here.
My top 7"
7)"The Half Life of Parents"
6)"The Many Stages of Grief"
5)"Because My Therapist Asked Me to Tell a Story Using Hamsters"
4)"Rocket Man"
3)"Deathtrap Whirlpool"
2)"Hasty Retreat"
1)"I was a Teenage Slasher Victim"
"Zombie Sharks with Metal Teeth" was not my planned next Stephen Graham Jones read but I found this edition randomly in bookshop and with that cover I said "yes please". Since it looks like SGJ is maybe, potentially, possibly, surely, maybe my new favorite author (I'm hesitant to commit, since I stepped away from Stephen King holding that rank a few years ago I struggle with handing the crown to someone new, but asked at gunpoint my answer might be this) I relish the idea of going a bit into his impressive back catalogue. Where there is apparently some weird stuff hanging around. Here we have a collection of mostly flash fiction, most stories hover between the 1-6 page mark but a few stretch into a 15-ish length. It also took me a good chunk of the month to make it through these 160 pages total, not because it is so bad but it is often so weird I needed time to digest between stories.
Animals pop up in a good amount of these, often in very unexpected and at times disturbing ways, which I liked. Sadly, the Zombie Sharks with Metal Teeth really don't manifest in the way I hoped they would and I feel like I am still owed that promised title and cover! There is also often a blend of Horror and SciFi, didn't quite see that coming. I highly recommend reading SGJ's notes in the end to the inspiration behind each story, you will see he is a "Twilight Zone" fan and it shows in this assemblage. Personally, I am not much of connoisseur of "TZ", mostly I have never really watched it, and it shows in my reaction to these: I liked some of the SciFi laden tales but my favorites seem to align more with my general taste and are the Slasher and Zombie stories. But let me stress this again: there is a lot of weird here. Bizarre and very creative constructs and I think it is safe to say that some will work for you and others won't. 22 total, and I had 3 that I did not understand in the slightest what was happening, which of course might just be my dumb brain but buckle up is my warning. While it isn't new to me that SGJ writes very complex, a bit unusual Horror and is one of the reason I often love him, this book takes that concept to a whole other level. So, again: buckle up! But also be awed by Jones' storytelling capabilities, no news here, but this man can write and can lay down unique scenarios within unique structures, and you'll definitely find that in here.
My top 7"
7)"The Half Life of Parents"
6)"The Many Stages of Grief"
5)"Because My Therapist Asked Me to Tell a Story Using Hamsters"
4)"Rocket Man"
3)"Deathtrap Whirlpool"
2)"Hasty Retreat"
1)"I was a Teenage Slasher Victim"
November 19, 2013
What's Better Than Zombie Sharks?
Pretty much everything in this book, actually. "The Age of Hasty Retreats" is one of the most powerful zombie stories of the decade. I had read the story in it's previous, extended form, as published in Weird Tales a while back. That version was tight. But this is tighter. Just the centerpiece, which stands alone nicely, unforgettably. But don't mistake this for a collection of zombie stories. It's all over the place, demonstrating the versatility of Stephen Graham Jones. Strange crime stories that morph into sci-fi. Mad scientists. Hamsters? And likely the best homage to '80s slasher movies you'll ever read.
Pretty much everything in this book, actually. "The Age of Hasty Retreats" is one of the most powerful zombie stories of the decade. I had read the story in it's previous, extended form, as published in Weird Tales a while back. That version was tight. But this is tighter. Just the centerpiece, which stands alone nicely, unforgettably. But don't mistake this for a collection of zombie stories. It's all over the place, demonstrating the versatility of Stephen Graham Jones. Strange crime stories that morph into sci-fi. Mad scientists. Hamsters? And likely the best homage to '80s slasher movies you'll ever read.
July 20, 2014
Terrific glimpse into the eclectic mind of the brilliant Stephen Graham Jones, who does it all, with humor, gore, sci-fi, horror, giant lobster hard drives, baseball playing undead, time-traveling game shows, and, yeah, zombie sharks with metal teeth, too.
July 27, 2024
SGJ writes incredible short fiction and this collection is no exception. This book contains 22 short stories, most of them under 10 pages in length and some as short as a page or two, that are weird, fun, gross, and bizarre on the best ways.
Want to read
December 8, 2015Definitely going to be reading this collection!
July 6, 2020
4 stars for me!
This was an extremely fun and experimental collection from Stephen Graham Jones. This is unlike anything else I've read by him but at the same time it has that typical, conversational camp-fire tale that is distinctive to SGJ and that is one of he reasons why I love reading his work so much. It also has some Jones regular creatures such as zombies and werewolves but done in a very unique and interesting way. Let's talk about the individual stories!
Good Times- I dont have anything to say about this one really... at least it's really short? Never want to read about dog nipples though. 1/5
The Age of Hasty Retreats- This was an awesome zombie story, with some very interesting advice on what to do in the event of an apocalypse. Not a huge zombie fan, but I am when SGJ writes about them. 4/5
My Hero- I really liked this story and I've never read an SGJ one like it. Cubicle heroism for the win! 5/5
How Billy Hanson Destroyed the Planet Earth, and Everyone On It- I liked this one a lot, especially the image of a man looking through a telescope and seeing an alien looking back at him. 4/5
Little Monsters- An oddly cute story about a family sending their monster daughter off to school. 4/5
The Half Life of Parents- A creepy puppet story, though I didnt really get it until I read the story notes at the end. 3/5
Old Meat- Definitely one of my favourites here, if not my favourite. I've come to the conclusion that SGJ is my favourite living writer in regards to werewolves. Kind of a bittersweet feel to this one too. 5/5
Nearer to Thee- This one had kind of a cool concept but didnt really stick out to me. 3/5
Jumpers- I loved the weirdness of this one and the seeming existentialism, but I'm not sure if I really understood it. 3/5
The Sea of Intranquility- This is a completely bizarre story involving space lobsters and giant snow crabs, but it was an absolute blast to read and is unlike anything I've read. 5/5
This Is Not What I Meant- I didnt really get this one, and I'm not sure what happened. But I think it was supposed to be something creepy? 2/5
The Case Against Humanity- A short and sweet tale about aliens about to take over Earth. 3/5
Hell on the Homefront Too- One of my favourite stories here, about an abusive husband who is also a zombie. Also thought the final line was hilarious. 5/5
I Was a Teenage Slasher Victim- Really good story about the slasher tropes and had a really cool twist at the end. 4/5
The Many Stages of Grief- Really odd and kind of depressing story about a man who seems to just have the worst luck. 4/5
Catch and Release- Really loved the dialogue-only approach to the story here and how it got weirder at the end. 4/5
Submitted for Your Approval- A brilliant story about Rod Serling, creator of The Twilight Zone in a Twilight Zone of his own. 5/5
Deathtrap Whirpool- An existential nightmare story and adds another dimension to the uncomfortableness of public bathrooms. 4/5
Zombie Sharks with Metal Teeth- Really great story about bizarre experimentation on animals and kind of reminded me of The Island of Dr. Moreau. 5/5
Rocket Man- By far the best zombie-baseball story I've ever read. Also loved the different approach to having the zombie ruin your chance of scoring a date instead of eating you. 5/5
Because My Therapist Asked Me to Tell a Story Using Hamsters- Scary hamsters, thought this was awesome and really fun. 4/5
The Calorie Doctor- Horrifying, disturbing and darkly humorous. All done in half a page. 5/5
Overall, the majority of this collection was a blast from start to finish and it has some of SGJ's most unique and memorable pieces of writing, which is saying a lot. Highly recommended to SGJ fans or to anyone who's looking for a bizarre, quick and fun read that will also make you think and scratch your head in wonder and confusion a bit.
This was an extremely fun and experimental collection from Stephen Graham Jones. This is unlike anything else I've read by him but at the same time it has that typical, conversational camp-fire tale that is distinctive to SGJ and that is one of he reasons why I love reading his work so much. It also has some Jones regular creatures such as zombies and werewolves but done in a very unique and interesting way. Let's talk about the individual stories!
Good Times- I dont have anything to say about this one really... at least it's really short? Never want to read about dog nipples though. 1/5
The Age of Hasty Retreats- This was an awesome zombie story, with some very interesting advice on what to do in the event of an apocalypse. Not a huge zombie fan, but I am when SGJ writes about them. 4/5
My Hero- I really liked this story and I've never read an SGJ one like it. Cubicle heroism for the win! 5/5
How Billy Hanson Destroyed the Planet Earth, and Everyone On It- I liked this one a lot, especially the image of a man looking through a telescope and seeing an alien looking back at him. 4/5
Little Monsters- An oddly cute story about a family sending their monster daughter off to school. 4/5
The Half Life of Parents- A creepy puppet story, though I didnt really get it until I read the story notes at the end. 3/5
Old Meat- Definitely one of my favourites here, if not my favourite. I've come to the conclusion that SGJ is my favourite living writer in regards to werewolves. Kind of a bittersweet feel to this one too. 5/5
Nearer to Thee- This one had kind of a cool concept but didnt really stick out to me. 3/5
Jumpers- I loved the weirdness of this one and the seeming existentialism, but I'm not sure if I really understood it. 3/5
The Sea of Intranquility- This is a completely bizarre story involving space lobsters and giant snow crabs, but it was an absolute blast to read and is unlike anything I've read. 5/5
This Is Not What I Meant- I didnt really get this one, and I'm not sure what happened. But I think it was supposed to be something creepy? 2/5
The Case Against Humanity- A short and sweet tale about aliens about to take over Earth. 3/5
Hell on the Homefront Too- One of my favourite stories here, about an abusive husband who is also a zombie. Also thought the final line was hilarious. 5/5
I Was a Teenage Slasher Victim- Really good story about the slasher tropes and had a really cool twist at the end. 4/5
The Many Stages of Grief- Really odd and kind of depressing story about a man who seems to just have the worst luck. 4/5
Catch and Release- Really loved the dialogue-only approach to the story here and how it got weirder at the end. 4/5
Submitted for Your Approval- A brilliant story about Rod Serling, creator of The Twilight Zone in a Twilight Zone of his own. 5/5
Deathtrap Whirpool- An existential nightmare story and adds another dimension to the uncomfortableness of public bathrooms. 4/5
Zombie Sharks with Metal Teeth- Really great story about bizarre experimentation on animals and kind of reminded me of The Island of Dr. Moreau. 5/5
Rocket Man- By far the best zombie-baseball story I've ever read. Also loved the different approach to having the zombie ruin your chance of scoring a date instead of eating you. 5/5
Because My Therapist Asked Me to Tell a Story Using Hamsters- Scary hamsters, thought this was awesome and really fun. 4/5
The Calorie Doctor- Horrifying, disturbing and darkly humorous. All done in half a page. 5/5
Overall, the majority of this collection was a blast from start to finish and it has some of SGJ's most unique and memorable pieces of writing, which is saying a lot. Highly recommended to SGJ fans or to anyone who's looking for a bizarre, quick and fun read that will also make you think and scratch your head in wonder and confusion a bit.
February 10, 2014
Oh weird. I didn't realise I'd never put my blog review of this book here on Goodreads. The review below is cross-posted from http://ridethenightmare.blogspot.co.u...
Look, I'm the type of person who, if you give your book this amazing title and adorn it with this amazing artwork, I'll buy it before I really knew what hit me. It's a Pavlovian reflex for a dog like me. Plus I'd already read Jones's Zombie Bake-Off (2012) and was very eager for more.
I polished this sucker off pretty quick after receiving it in the post (I don't know if local bookstores even stock this kind of stuff). It's a compulsively readable collection of short stories and yes, there's a titular one. But no (I think readers deserve to know), there are no zombie sharks with metal teeth, not really - I mean, yes, technically there are, right at the end of that story, but barely and only in a passing conjecture. This surprised and disappointed me because Zombie Bake-Off had been about exactly that. And when the blurb said it had zombie soccer moms vs. zombie pro-wrestlers, it wasn't lying or exaggerating. The whole novel's setting was a bake-off and the whole novel's action involved pro-wrestlers, soccer moms, and zombies - battling each other and a small band of the living. So I don't think I was out of bounds in expecting from the titular story of this collection literal undead sharks that somehow had teeth made of metal.
But I wasn't disappointed with this volume, no no no. When what it does give you is plenty of stories that do feature zombies, in fresh variations of scenario and depth of survivor characterisation, and a story about a hardboiled detective flying through outer space by means of being psychically implanted into a giant space-faring lobster, and enigmatic alien encounters aplenty, more apocalypses than one has a right to expect from a collection, the most elliptical meta-fictional slasher story you'll ever read, and a story starring Rod Serling, well, you don't complain, you give thanks.
But the reader will inevitably wonder: what am I reading? What is this stuff? Horror? Well, some of it, yeah. Sort of. Science fiction? Some of those too. Kind of. Weird fiction or ‘the New Weird’? Mm, not really, not to me, not from what I've read of China Mieville and Jeff VanderMeer - this is a different kettle of queer fish. Is it ‘bizarro’ fiction? I guess maybe that’s the main thing I expected from the title and cover art. But that label too only partly captures it. I want to say these stories feel like they're by someone who set out to be a pulp writer influenced by the cosmic horror of Lovecraft (or, probably closer to the mark, the nihilism of Romero's classic Dead Trilogy), but said pulp-ist got liberal arts educated and introspective and transmuted his impulse toward horror through the likes of, what... Wes Anderson? David Foster Wallace? I don’t know exactly. (I don’t have the reference in my experience, but I’m sure someone does.) There’s an unflinching attention to monstrosity, violence, freakishness, aliens, cosmology-that-dwarfs-the-cosmologist, and so on. But it’s all delivered through a very sensitive, even tender, heart. Indeed, even though there is bloodshed and body-horror aplenty in this book, my final impression is that it is gentle, contemplative. And I think that's just Stephen Graham Jones. No one genre or genre-mix can really hold him. He does what he does.
Despite being clearly intellectual, it all comes across fairly working-class too. The characters tend to be underlings in offices or warehouses or laboratories. Or they're young or old married couples who remain devoted to each other despite (or because of?) discovering very disturbing darknesses about one another. Or they're little kids being cruel and kind to one another as kids do.
Part of the gentle contemplativeness is also down to the way tales are told, for they are as much about the telling as the subject matter. The diction is at first hard to parse until you get the hang of Jones's almost oral cadences and patterns, like how a normal guy from right here and now would talk to you, would unfold a narrative to you in person. Yet, paradoxically, it's also poetic and writerly, made for the page it seems to me. It's downright mesmerising when you get into its rhythms.
And (I had never noticed how much this also is how it sounds when someone is telling you a story they know off the cuff) though the narrator usually seems to know what’s coming and codes that story arc into the opening pages, these tales do not feel heavily plotted. Stephen King says stories are pre-existing fossils that writers discover and unearth and that plotting is a jackhammer that breaks as much as it liberates. Jones feels almost hyper-aware of this. He works very delicately, mostly with small hand spade and brush, to exhume the tales he's found. He leaves a lot of the story still buried. But he has taken depth-readings and he knows what’s down there, if murkily, and I tended to find myself halfway through a story going back over its first few pages with a better understanding of all that was being revealed to me right off. In other words, Jones writes richly enough that (as with Gene Wolfe) re-reading is almost required, and a pleasure. You get your money's worth.
Philosophically, the stories evince ruminations rife for my own interests in monster theory and horror theory ('Little Monsters' is a two-page piece packed tight with fodder for this and I hope to do a separate post about it). The story 'How Billy Hanson Destroyed the Planet Earth, and Everyone On It' is my favourite contemporary mutation of Lovecraftian cosmic horror that I've encountered. It is a mutation though, as is every other bleak demise of humanity or relativising of humanity in the face of infinity that Jones depicts. There's definitely a warm beating heart underneath the cosmic coldness in Jones's take. What I can't tell is whether he's simply saying let's hold onto our scrap of humanity even in the face of the nothingness that will eventually devour us all, or whether he might just might be saying that such 'scrap of humanity' might just might actually be a grubby little hint or clue that nothingness is not necessarily the final word about either us or the cosmos. Even Cthulhu and his elder god ilk look very different in Jones's vision: alien intelligences vastly above us may view us only as food, sure, but that doesn't mean they might not be 'humane' souls who cause us no more suffering than is necessary. The story 'Catch and Release' is the best variation on an old s.f. twist ending that I've come across and illustrates this sort almost anti-Lovecraftian theme poignantly.
Jones says in an interview (the interview is a masterclass in creative writing, by the way) that one of his favourite short stories is about a boy who can predict the future who has a TV show:
But then one day he looks ahead and sees this comet just hurtling to Earth, to wipe us all out, no chance of survival, no Bruce Willis, so, on his program that morning, he looks right into the camera and he says that this is going to be the best day ever. That people are going to hug each other, nobody's going to be unhappy, all of it. It's the best gift he could possibly have given the world, and it's a lie. This is at the bottom of everything I write.
What I wonder is whether Jones thinks that this 'lie' gives the lie to ultimate meaninglessness, whether he thinks that maybe such a 'lie' really serves a greater truth about us and the world. I don't know. (His delightful story notes at the end of the book are, though disarmingly vulnerable, as elliptical as the stories themselves and only deepen the mystery and poignancy.)
I do know I can't wait to read more by him (I've got his first novel The Fast Red Road: A Plainsong coming in the post).
Look, I'm the type of person who, if you give your book this amazing title and adorn it with this amazing artwork, I'll buy it before I really knew what hit me. It's a Pavlovian reflex for a dog like me. Plus I'd already read Jones's Zombie Bake-Off (2012) and was very eager for more.
I polished this sucker off pretty quick after receiving it in the post (I don't know if local bookstores even stock this kind of stuff). It's a compulsively readable collection of short stories and yes, there's a titular one. But no (I think readers deserve to know), there are no zombie sharks with metal teeth, not really - I mean, yes, technically there are, right at the end of that story, but barely and only in a passing conjecture. This surprised and disappointed me because Zombie Bake-Off had been about exactly that. And when the blurb said it had zombie soccer moms vs. zombie pro-wrestlers, it wasn't lying or exaggerating. The whole novel's setting was a bake-off and the whole novel's action involved pro-wrestlers, soccer moms, and zombies - battling each other and a small band of the living. So I don't think I was out of bounds in expecting from the titular story of this collection literal undead sharks that somehow had teeth made of metal.
But I wasn't disappointed with this volume, no no no. When what it does give you is plenty of stories that do feature zombies, in fresh variations of scenario and depth of survivor characterisation, and a story about a hardboiled detective flying through outer space by means of being psychically implanted into a giant space-faring lobster, and enigmatic alien encounters aplenty, more apocalypses than one has a right to expect from a collection, the most elliptical meta-fictional slasher story you'll ever read, and a story starring Rod Serling, well, you don't complain, you give thanks.
But the reader will inevitably wonder: what am I reading? What is this stuff? Horror? Well, some of it, yeah. Sort of. Science fiction? Some of those too. Kind of. Weird fiction or ‘the New Weird’? Mm, not really, not to me, not from what I've read of China Mieville and Jeff VanderMeer - this is a different kettle of queer fish. Is it ‘bizarro’ fiction? I guess maybe that’s the main thing I expected from the title and cover art. But that label too only partly captures it. I want to say these stories feel like they're by someone who set out to be a pulp writer influenced by the cosmic horror of Lovecraft (or, probably closer to the mark, the nihilism of Romero's classic Dead Trilogy), but said pulp-ist got liberal arts educated and introspective and transmuted his impulse toward horror through the likes of, what... Wes Anderson? David Foster Wallace? I don’t know exactly. (I don’t have the reference in my experience, but I’m sure someone does.) There’s an unflinching attention to monstrosity, violence, freakishness, aliens, cosmology-that-dwarfs-the-cosmologist, and so on. But it’s all delivered through a very sensitive, even tender, heart. Indeed, even though there is bloodshed and body-horror aplenty in this book, my final impression is that it is gentle, contemplative. And I think that's just Stephen Graham Jones. No one genre or genre-mix can really hold him. He does what he does.
Despite being clearly intellectual, it all comes across fairly working-class too. The characters tend to be underlings in offices or warehouses or laboratories. Or they're young or old married couples who remain devoted to each other despite (or because of?) discovering very disturbing darknesses about one another. Or they're little kids being cruel and kind to one another as kids do.
Part of the gentle contemplativeness is also down to the way tales are told, for they are as much about the telling as the subject matter. The diction is at first hard to parse until you get the hang of Jones's almost oral cadences and patterns, like how a normal guy from right here and now would talk to you, would unfold a narrative to you in person. Yet, paradoxically, it's also poetic and writerly, made for the page it seems to me. It's downright mesmerising when you get into its rhythms.
And (I had never noticed how much this also is how it sounds when someone is telling you a story they know off the cuff) though the narrator usually seems to know what’s coming and codes that story arc into the opening pages, these tales do not feel heavily plotted. Stephen King says stories are pre-existing fossils that writers discover and unearth and that plotting is a jackhammer that breaks as much as it liberates. Jones feels almost hyper-aware of this. He works very delicately, mostly with small hand spade and brush, to exhume the tales he's found. He leaves a lot of the story still buried. But he has taken depth-readings and he knows what’s down there, if murkily, and I tended to find myself halfway through a story going back over its first few pages with a better understanding of all that was being revealed to me right off. In other words, Jones writes richly enough that (as with Gene Wolfe) re-reading is almost required, and a pleasure. You get your money's worth.
Philosophically, the stories evince ruminations rife for my own interests in monster theory and horror theory ('Little Monsters' is a two-page piece packed tight with fodder for this and I hope to do a separate post about it). The story 'How Billy Hanson Destroyed the Planet Earth, and Everyone On It' is my favourite contemporary mutation of Lovecraftian cosmic horror that I've encountered. It is a mutation though, as is every other bleak demise of humanity or relativising of humanity in the face of infinity that Jones depicts. There's definitely a warm beating heart underneath the cosmic coldness in Jones's take. What I can't tell is whether he's simply saying let's hold onto our scrap of humanity even in the face of the nothingness that will eventually devour us all, or whether he might just might be saying that such 'scrap of humanity' might just might actually be a grubby little hint or clue that nothingness is not necessarily the final word about either us or the cosmos. Even Cthulhu and his elder god ilk look very different in Jones's vision: alien intelligences vastly above us may view us only as food, sure, but that doesn't mean they might not be 'humane' souls who cause us no more suffering than is necessary. The story 'Catch and Release' is the best variation on an old s.f. twist ending that I've come across and illustrates this sort almost anti-Lovecraftian theme poignantly.
Jones says in an interview (the interview is a masterclass in creative writing, by the way) that one of his favourite short stories is about a boy who can predict the future who has a TV show:
But then one day he looks ahead and sees this comet just hurtling to Earth, to wipe us all out, no chance of survival, no Bruce Willis, so, on his program that morning, he looks right into the camera and he says that this is going to be the best day ever. That people are going to hug each other, nobody's going to be unhappy, all of it. It's the best gift he could possibly have given the world, and it's a lie. This is at the bottom of everything I write.
What I wonder is whether Jones thinks that this 'lie' gives the lie to ultimate meaninglessness, whether he thinks that maybe such a 'lie' really serves a greater truth about us and the world. I don't know. (His delightful story notes at the end of the book are, though disarmingly vulnerable, as elliptical as the stories themselves and only deepen the mystery and poignancy.)
I do know I can't wait to read more by him (I've got his first novel The Fast Red Road: A Plainsong coming in the post).
March 26, 2022
Absolutely brilliant! This short story collection is the fourth Stephen Graham Jones book I have read and it is easily the wildest.
The stories collected here touch on various facets of the bizarre, from cyber-lobster-noir (The Sea of Intranqulity), to dream-like slices of life (This is Not What I Meant), to one of the best takes on zombie fiction I have seen in any medium (The Age of Hasty Retreats). Through all these genres, subgenres, and oddities, Jones' creativity sets him apart and keeps this collection of very short fiction (stories range from 1-10 pages) moving along from idea to idea like it's swinging along on monkey bars.
Much more than his creativity, though, two other of Jones' skills elevate this collection: his honesty, and his ability to tell a story. On the former point, Jones brings to these stories the same depth of understanding and acceptance of humanity (brought home brutally in the aforementioned Age of Hasty Retreats and particularly in The Case Against Humanity) which serve him so well in his novels. Even the strangest concepts are peopled and told in a way which makes them intensely human, often painfully relatable. The notes by Jones on each of the stories at the back of the collection, entertaining in their own right, also provide that bit more insight into each story - Where they came from, what they mean to the writer.
The other point, Jones' skill as a storyteller, stops this collection having the incomplete feeling common to many similar collections, where the length of the stories work against them - Either feeling like they are trying to make too much of a concept which does not sustain a full story, or like we are reading an extract from a larger, more satisfying story, an issue I found most recently with a few of the stories in Helen Oyeyemi's What is Not Yours is Not Yours, and Marian Enriquez' The Dangers of Smoking in Bed. Each of Jones's stories, no matter their length, feel complete. They do what they came here to do, say their piece, and leave.
This is how short stories should be. This is how weird fiction should be. This book is excellent, and the rest of Jones' back catalogue cannot get published in the UK soon enough.
The stories collected here touch on various facets of the bizarre, from cyber-lobster-noir (The Sea of Intranqulity), to dream-like slices of life (This is Not What I Meant), to one of the best takes on zombie fiction I have seen in any medium (The Age of Hasty Retreats). Through all these genres, subgenres, and oddities, Jones' creativity sets him apart and keeps this collection of very short fiction (stories range from 1-10 pages) moving along from idea to idea like it's swinging along on monkey bars.
Much more than his creativity, though, two other of Jones' skills elevate this collection: his honesty, and his ability to tell a story. On the former point, Jones brings to these stories the same depth of understanding and acceptance of humanity (brought home brutally in the aforementioned Age of Hasty Retreats and particularly in The Case Against Humanity) which serve him so well in his novels. Even the strangest concepts are peopled and told in a way which makes them intensely human, often painfully relatable. The notes by Jones on each of the stories at the back of the collection, entertaining in their own right, also provide that bit more insight into each story - Where they came from, what they mean to the writer.
The other point, Jones' skill as a storyteller, stops this collection having the incomplete feeling common to many similar collections, where the length of the stories work against them - Either feeling like they are trying to make too much of a concept which does not sustain a full story, or like we are reading an extract from a larger, more satisfying story, an issue I found most recently with a few of the stories in Helen Oyeyemi's What is Not Yours is Not Yours, and Marian Enriquez' The Dangers of Smoking in Bed. Each of Jones's stories, no matter their length, feel complete. They do what they came here to do, say their piece, and leave.
This is how short stories should be. This is how weird fiction should be. This book is excellent, and the rest of Jones' back catalogue cannot get published in the UK soon enough.
Read
May 21, 2023Stephen Graham Jones is best known for savage but socially engaged horror stories which burrow deep into knotty issues of race, class and the like. As the title suggests, this collection from fabulously named publisher Lazy Fascist isn't that. These (often very) short stories are gonzo but never quite goofy, and whereas a lot of horror shorts I find either spooky in quite a gentle way, or so gleefully grim that I just switch off, these manage the trickier job of properly worming their way under your skin despite their ostensible silliness. Opener Good Times is practically a prose poem, one without any supernatural elements, plausible yet transgressive in a way that reminded me of Rob Shearman. The Age Of Hasty Retreats isn't the sharks quite yet, but does find something else new to do with zombies, and the old 'but who are the real monsters?' question zombie stories so often raise (and the penultimate Rocket Man flips them another way, stitching them into the fabric of an all-American childhood baseball game in a way I'm now amazed Stephen King didn't get to first). My Hero reminds us that nobody pulls it off every time, especially not in material like this; its picking at some of the sillier apparatus of superhero stories is not bad, just familiar from half a century of other stories engaged in much the same business, frequently in the comics themselves. There are too many for me to address them all, but I especially enjoyed noir pastiche The Sea Of Intranquility, which apparently, infuriatingly, Jones poured out in two hours. "The thing about using space lobsters as storage devices for people's minds is that it wasn't an entirely known process. Then or now. I don't know why we ever thought it made sense."
August 18, 2025
There is one more thing to do, as it turns out. One last line to cross.
Stephen Graham Jones' Zombie Sharks with Metal Teeth is a very weird short story collection—emphasis on 'short', and even more so on 'weird'. And what it all essentially comes down to—aside from my usual issues with short story collections—is that a lot of these stories are just too weird for their own good. And that’s coming from someone who LOVES weird shit. Unfortunately, though, many of these oddities just don’t come together in any meaningful way, for me; in any manner that makes their weirdness shine.
But with the stories where the weirdness does shine—The Age of Hasty Retreats, How Billy Hanson Destroyed the Planet Earth, and Everyone On It, Old Meat, Hell on the Homefront Too, Rocket Man, and The Calorie Doctor—DAMN... we get some brilliantly bonkers bite-sized treats of SGJ's gloriously f*cked-up mind. Those stories (and a handful of others) make this collection more than worth the effort, but the rest of them—The Half Life of Parents, Nearer to Thee, This is Not What I Meant, Catch and Release, and the titular Zombie Sharks with Metal Teeth, especially—keep this collection down from achieving greatness as a whole.
As for me, I'm off to nap now, in preparation of night, and in hope of morning, always.
6/10
Stephen Graham Jones' Zombie Sharks with Metal Teeth is a very weird short story collection—emphasis on 'short', and even more so on 'weird'. And what it all essentially comes down to—aside from my usual issues with short story collections—is that a lot of these stories are just too weird for their own good. And that’s coming from someone who LOVES weird shit. Unfortunately, though, many of these oddities just don’t come together in any meaningful way, for me; in any manner that makes their weirdness shine.
But with the stories where the weirdness does shine—The Age of Hasty Retreats, How Billy Hanson Destroyed the Planet Earth, and Everyone On It, Old Meat, Hell on the Homefront Too, Rocket Man, and The Calorie Doctor—DAMN... we get some brilliantly bonkers bite-sized treats of SGJ's gloriously f*cked-up mind. Those stories (and a handful of others) make this collection more than worth the effort, but the rest of them—The Half Life of Parents, Nearer to Thee, This is Not What I Meant, Catch and Release, and the titular Zombie Sharks with Metal Teeth, especially—keep this collection down from achieving greatness as a whole.
As for me, I'm off to nap now, in preparation of night, and in hope of morning, always.
6/10
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