Do I Need Boundaries?: Seeking to Please God by Learning to Say No

Ask the Christian Counselor

by Jim Newheiser

Genres: Counselling, Christian Living

96 pages, Paperback

Published September 22, 2025

About the author

Jim Newheiser, DMin, Westminster Theological Seminary, California, has served in pastoral ministry and has practiced biblical counseling for over thirty years. He is the Director of the Christian Counseling Program at Reformed Theological Seminary in Charlotte and the Executive Director of IBCD. He is an ACBC Fellow and board member.

Reviews

[Caroline McGill · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this! This is largely an argument against the popular book “Boundaries.” It helps Christians to see that when it comes to asking about boundaries, the question is not about what we need, but about how we can most honor God. Many modern resources both Christian and secular get this wrong. I thought it was very helpful, especially as I’ve been trying to read some more books on productivity. The point of productivity is not to make my own life what I want it to be for my own selfish gain, but to honor the Lord with my life. “Don’t go from pleasing others to pleasing yourself. Instead, please God.”

[Alexandra Frederickson · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5⭐️s

[Joshua Schwisow · Rating 5 out of 5]

Finally, a book that accurately applies Scripture to the question of boundaries in a God-centered rather than Me-Centered way. Very helpful!

[Josh G. · Rating 4 out of 5]

Biblical, practical, and helpful.

[Nick Lees · Rating 4 out of 5]

This resource was a helpful word on an important topic yet ultimately suffers from its brevity. It's a quick and easy read that will give you helpful reminders from God's word on specific topics. I was left wanting far more development of ideas and the cases presented.

[Jack Flaherty · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really enjoyed this short and easy read. Helpfully frames up the issue of boundaries by emphasizing that protecting yourself from pleasing others should not be replaced by pleasing self but by aiming to please God. Good reflection questions at the end of each chapter. Several thoughtful case studies that, while handled briefly, reinforce the biblical principles for setting relational limits (boundaries). Also appreciated the appendix in which the author reviews another popular book on the subject.

[Ellie Willemin · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed this take on boundaries especially in the setting of Christianity. I have often struggled with the classic “Boundaries” book written by Cloud and Townsend as it depicts the ideal image of turning away from people-pleasing but then turning it into self-pleasing. While it’s not honoring to allow people to take advantage of us, manipulate us, etc., there are times when we are called to sacrifice for the sake of others in a direction of being God-pleasing and loving our neighbors. I did skip some of the scenario type chapters as some did not apply to me but overall loved the perspective on boundaries that aims to have our focus off ourselves and towards God.

[Sara Fukuda · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really helpful booklet to evaluate if “boundaries” are biblical or not. Especially boundaries of the Henry Townsend variety. Newheiser is kind but firm in biblical truth!

[Benaiah Neetz · Rating 5 out of 5]

Jim Newheiser’s “Do I Need Boundaries?” is the book I’ve been wanting someone to write for a long time.

In many Christian circles today, when someone struggles with people-pleasing, overcommitting, or feeling crushed under the weight of obligations, the go-to recommendation is usually Cloud and Townsend’s Boundaries. While there are certainly some helpful observations and practical wisdom to glean from that book, much of it is built on a pop-psychology, therapeutic mindset that subtly encourages you to turn inward rather than asking the more important question: What has God said?

Even more troubling, Cloud and Townsend at one point suggest that you may need to “set boundaries with God,” which is not only foolish, but borders on blasphemy. God is not someone we manage—He is the Lord.

Newheiser’s book is a refreshing corrective. It is short, clear, biblical, and genuinely pastoral. Rather than encouraging selfish self-protection, Newheiser helps you think carefully about stewardship, priorities, love, and faithfulness. He asks the kinds of questions that actually matter: Are you being loving? Are you being faithful to your responsibilities? Are you wisely stewarding your time and calling? Are you saying yes out of fear of man?

What I especially appreciated is that this book doesn’t push you toward “canceling people” or cutting off responsibilities in the name of self-care. Instead, it helps you pursue wise boundaries in a way that is shaped by Scripture and grounded in Christian love.

My only frustration is that the book isn’t longer—I would gladly read a more expanded version. But even in its brevity, this is an excellent resource and one I would happily give to anyone struggling to say no, set priorities, and live faithfully without falling into selfishness.

Highly recommended.

[Dogeared Wanderer · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is short and sweet, and covers the biggest relationship struggles where we may need some biblical guidance on when to say no. The author acknowledges the need for boundaries from a God-centered (rather than self-centered) perspective.

Instead of overly simplistic restrictions for all "toxic" relationships, the book shows God's design for various relationships and helps the reader with discernment, priorities, and truth to navigate sin and complications in a way that glorifies God.

CHAPTERS
🐾1. Thinking like a Christian about boundaries
🐾2. Biblical principles for setting boundaries
🐾3. Applying Biblical Principles: A Job Without Boundaries
🐾4. " " A Child who comes out as gay or transgender
🐾5. " " A single girl who hopes for a ring by spring
🐾6. " " In-laws who act like outlaws
🐾7. " " Sexual boundaries in marriage
🐾8. " " Dealing with past abuse
🐾9. " " Financial boundaries
🐾10. " " Failure to launch (adult children who won't move out)
🐾11. " " Addicted to screens
🐾Appendix: A Biblical perspective on Cloud and Townsend's treatment of boundaries

🐕YES discussion questions. This book would make a great springboard for deeper conversations with a pastor, counselor, or spouse. It highlights the main issues and provides biblical insight, but it's not an in-depth study.

[Joshua Chipchase · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very helpful and practical explanation for how to biblically think through the issue of boundaries. The first couple chapters lay the foundation (focus on pleasing God and loving others, not people pleasing and selfishness) then the remaining chapters deal with practical issues that require you to think through boundaries (e.g. finances, abuse, in-laws, sex, job, etc.).

It also deals with some of the problems with the popular "Boundaries" book by Cloud and Townsend, evaluating it from a Biblical perspective.

Short and easy to read with bite-sized chapters. I thought that there needed to be a little more exposition of scripture in some of the practical chapters (it was sometimes a bit thin) but I understand they were trying to keep the book short.

Overall a good read and a great book to hand out to others.

[Wendy · Rating 3 out of 5]

A short book that considers what boundaries in the Christian life should look like, not protecting ourselves so much as pleasing God as we love him and others. The bulk of the book presents topical case-studies covering areas such as workaholism, extended family, finances, sexual boundaries, failure to launch and screen addiction. Each provides biblical wisdom and insights into how one might approach it, with allowances for freedom of different responses. Yet, the language used throughout was often “we must”, “we need”, “we must not”, suggesting a directive counselling approach. However, the primary concern was that the shortness of the book led to many examples feeling like simplified responses, not allowing for the reality of real-life complications.

[Dan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Provides a helpful biblical approach to thinking about boundaries in relationships by beginning with the question, “According to my understanding of God’s Word, how can I please God and love others in this situation?” This stands in contrast to secular and even come Christian approaches that begin with the emphasis, “How can I set boundaries to protect myself in this situation?” The book offers many practical examples for thinking about boundaries related to overworking, past abuse, in-law conflict, sexual integrity, wayward children, screen addiction, and more—situations that are very common in the church.

[Julie Martin · Rating 4 out of 5]

I had some specific questions regarding relational “boundaries” and the author did a good job of reasoning through Scripture without giving super specific answers. Even in the examples or case studies, he left room for individual responses. In one way, I would have liked a a “rule,” but it’s a good reminder that we shouldn’t flip from seeking to please others to seeking to please our self. Our goal should be to honor and love God.

Overall, the book was short but helpful.

[Danna Dykema · Rating 5 out of 5]

It is important to understand that boundaries need to be set to help others. We need to be more concerned about the other person's soul. The Bible tells us to deny ourselves and to love our enemies. A boundary is not meant for our selfish purposes, but rather to help the soul of the other person. It's a great book!

[Melissa Falcone · Rating 4 out of 5]

A needed and helpful book, but truly felt too short for such nuanced and complex topics!

[Ruth Dahl · Rating 5 out of 5]

An excellent little book on how to identify your main priority in a situation (pleasing God not man), and some case studies on what that looks like practically in some common scenarios of tension