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Why Do I Keep Doing This?: Unlearning the Habits Keeping You Stuck and Unhappy
Leading mental health advocate and licensed marriage and family therapist, Kati Morton, explores our common struggle and contradiction with control in ourselves and relationships, giving listeners the ability to not only ask themselves
why do I keep doing this
, but have the insight to find a real answer.
Many of us were told to stuff our feelings down when we were younger. We were taught that that our emotional reactions and responses should be controlled so we didn’t embarrass or upset our parents and those around us. However, if that control oozes over into our relationships it’s considered a bad thing. Controlling our friends or romantic partners is seen as toxic. Control is a precarious thing. Some sides of control are meant to keep us safe, while others harm connections. So, what are we supposed to do?
In Why Do I Keep Doing This? licensed family and marriage therapist, Kati Morton, explores this common struggle and contradiction with control. Kati shows how our upbringing and anxiety are often connected to our struggle to take up space. We can feel like we are too much by just existing in the same place as someone else, or that we are less deserving of their time and care. This struggle with asserting ourselves, or taking what we require can harm our development. We sometimes think the only way to feel okay and get what we need is to please everyone else first. Why Do I Keep Doing This? is a vital tool in helping us understand why control can be so attractive, but if left unmonitored can become detrimental to our lives. We all go through tough times and face uncertain futures, and we do what we can to cope, but as we get older and in an attempt to get wiser, we have to notice what behaviors are holding us back and change them.
Why Do I Keep Doing This? will shed light on shared struggles as readers follow Kati through some key points of growth in her own life while incorporating what she has learned as a therapist and content creator who knows how to create lasting healthy change. This book will give readers the ability to not only ask themselves why do I keep doing this? but also have the insight to find a real answer.
Many of us were told to stuff our feelings down when we were younger. We were taught that that our emotional reactions and responses should be controlled so we didn’t embarrass or upset our parents and those around us. However, if that control oozes over into our relationships it’s considered a bad thing. Controlling our friends or romantic partners is seen as toxic. Control is a precarious thing. Some sides of control are meant to keep us safe, while others harm connections. So, what are we supposed to do?
In Why Do I Keep Doing This? licensed family and marriage therapist, Kati Morton, explores this common struggle and contradiction with control. Kati shows how our upbringing and anxiety are often connected to our struggle to take up space. We can feel like we are too much by just existing in the same place as someone else, or that we are less deserving of their time and care. This struggle with asserting ourselves, or taking what we require can harm our development. We sometimes think the only way to feel okay and get what we need is to please everyone else first. Why Do I Keep Doing This? is a vital tool in helping us understand why control can be so attractive, but if left unmonitored can become detrimental to our lives. We all go through tough times and face uncertain futures, and we do what we can to cope, but as we get older and in an attempt to get wiser, we have to notice what behaviors are holding us back and change them.
Why Do I Keep Doing This? will shed light on shared struggles as readers follow Kati through some key points of growth in her own life while incorporating what she has learned as a therapist and content creator who knows how to create lasting healthy change. This book will give readers the ability to not only ask themselves why do I keep doing this? but also have the insight to find a real answer.
256 pages, Hardcover
Published December 9, 2025
106 people are currently reading
7266 people want to read
About the author
Kati Morton
4 books256 followersKati Morton is widely recognized as a leading mental health advocate and educator. She is a licensed marriage and family therapist with a Master's degree in Clinical Psychology from Pepperdine University. For over a decade, Kati has been using social media to share mental health information globally through her YouTube channel, which has amassed over 1.3 million subscribers and 124 million views. She is also a sought-after media personality, having made appearances on Dr. Phil, CBS The Doctors, KTLA's Morning News, E! News, Fox 11 Good Day LA, and featured in Glamour UK magazine. Her first book, "Are u ok?: A Guide to Caring for Your Mental Health," was released in December 2018, followed by her latest book, "Traumatized: Identify, Understand and Cope With PTSD and Emotional Stress," which was released in September 2021.
Kati's passion for mental health advocacy has helped her expand her online community to all major internet platforms, enabling her to respond to mental health questions from viewers worldwide. Her ultimate goal is to increase global awareness of mental health issues, improve access to mental health services, and reduce the stigma surrounding mental illness. For more information about Kati and her work, please visit www.katimorton.com
Kati's passion for mental health advocacy has helped her expand her online community to all major internet platforms, enabling her to respond to mental health questions from viewers worldwide. Her ultimate goal is to increase global awareness of mental health issues, improve access to mental health services, and reduce the stigma surrounding mental illness. For more information about Kati and her work, please visit www.katimorton.com
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February 10, 2026
Freedom doesn’t come from controlling your circumstances
(anyway nothing new or unique just a good reminder read or for beginners)
notes:
- Said yes when you meant no.Apologized for no reason.Pushed yourself until you burned out or chosen someone who hurts you in ways that feel hauntingly familiar.
- Your brain absorbs the patterns it observes and accepts them as normal.If love came with conditions, you learned that acceptance must be earned.If care arrived unpredictably, you learned to stay alert for signs of abandonment.If expressing needs led to punishment or rejection, you learned that taking up space – by being you – was dangerous
- Familiar feels safe, even when familiar includes pain.
- When someone offers consistent kindness, it registers as strange, even suspicious.The nervous system keeps waiting for the other shoe to drop because steadiness was never part of the original blueprint.And that blueprint runs deep.
- Begin with simple observation.Notice the types of people you’re drawn to and the types of relationships that keep appearing in your life.
- ask yourself whether that comfort comes from health or from familiarity. Write down what you observe without trying to fix anything yet.Recognition always comes before change.
- Perfectionism looks like ambition from the outside.It shows up as drive, as excellence, as someone who cares about quality.But underneath, perfectionism is a sophisticated form of control.It operates on a simple premise: if you can just be good enough, achieve enough, produce enough, then you will finally earn the love and recognition you need.
- No amount of achievement fills the underlying need because the need was never really about accomplishment.It was always about unconditional acceptance, about being valued for existing
- Sit down with a journal and consider this question: What would it look like to deserve rest?Then write whatever comes up, even if the answer is that you don’t know.Notice where you learned that rest needs justification
- goal isn’t to abandon your standards, but to separate your inherent worth from your productivity
- before you apologize, pause.Ask yourself what you’re actually sorry for.
- Your child brain absorbed a devastating lesson: your needs make you unlovable
- The fear can’t ambush you anymore because you’ve already been there.
- Spend an evening doing exactly what appeals to you instead of being productive.Say no to an invitation without offering three explanations.
- What you’re building is a relationship with yourself.You’re learning to trust your own judgment, to value your own experience, and to believe that your internal landscape matters as much as anyone else’s.You’re learning that you don’t need to control external circumstances to feel secure.
(anyway nothing new or unique just a good reminder read or for beginners)
notes:
- Said yes when you meant no.Apologized for no reason.Pushed yourself until you burned out or chosen someone who hurts you in ways that feel hauntingly familiar.
- Your brain absorbs the patterns it observes and accepts them as normal.If love came with conditions, you learned that acceptance must be earned.If care arrived unpredictably, you learned to stay alert for signs of abandonment.If expressing needs led to punishment or rejection, you learned that taking up space – by being you – was dangerous
- Familiar feels safe, even when familiar includes pain.
- When someone offers consistent kindness, it registers as strange, even suspicious.The nervous system keeps waiting for the other shoe to drop because steadiness was never part of the original blueprint.And that blueprint runs deep.
- Begin with simple observation.Notice the types of people you’re drawn to and the types of relationships that keep appearing in your life.
- ask yourself whether that comfort comes from health or from familiarity. Write down what you observe without trying to fix anything yet.Recognition always comes before change.
- Perfectionism looks like ambition from the outside.It shows up as drive, as excellence, as someone who cares about quality.But underneath, perfectionism is a sophisticated form of control.It operates on a simple premise: if you can just be good enough, achieve enough, produce enough, then you will finally earn the love and recognition you need.
- No amount of achievement fills the underlying need because the need was never really about accomplishment.It was always about unconditional acceptance, about being valued for existing
- Sit down with a journal and consider this question: What would it look like to deserve rest?Then write whatever comes up, even if the answer is that you don’t know.Notice where you learned that rest needs justification
- goal isn’t to abandon your standards, but to separate your inherent worth from your productivity
- before you apologize, pause.Ask yourself what you’re actually sorry for.
- Your child brain absorbed a devastating lesson: your needs make you unlovable
- The fear can’t ambush you anymore because you’ve already been there.
- Spend an evening doing exactly what appeals to you instead of being productive.Say no to an invitation without offering three explanations.
- What you’re building is a relationship with yourself.You’re learning to trust your own judgment, to value your own experience, and to believe that your internal landscape matters as much as anyone else’s.You’re learning that you don’t need to control external circumstances to feel secure.
January 2, 2026
This was a great non-fiction to start off the new year. I had several aha moments in the first half and I loved the way the ending wrapped up. It was just the right length. I loved the emphasis on journaling and the specific guidelines to begin journaling to discover what keeps us from trusting ourselves. I would love to revisit this book and take more time to go through the exercises.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
Read
February 10, 2026TEDDY DAY 🧸
In "Why Do I Keep Doing This?: Unlearn the Habits Keeping You Stuck and Unhappy", Kati Morton explores a question many people quietly ask themselves after repeating the same painful patterns: why do I keep ending up here, even when I know better? The book reframes self-sabotaging behaviors not as personal failures or flaws, but as intelligent survival responses formed in early life. Morton argues that what once helped us stay safe in unstable or emotionally threatening environments can later become the very habits that keep us exhausted, unhappy, and disconnected. By understanding the origins of these patterns and how they live in the nervous system rather than conscious choice, the book offers a compassionate path toward lasting change and self-trust.
From the moment we are born, we are learning how relationships work. Long before language, children absorb emotional rules from caregivers: what earns attention, what leads to rejection, and what feels dangerous to express. These early experiences form a relational blueprint that quietly guides adult behavior. Whether childhood was loving or chaotic, predictable or unstable, the brain adapts to what it is given and treats it as normal. If affection was conditional, the child learns to perform. If care was inconsistent, the child learns to stay alert. If expressing needs caused conflict or withdrawal, the child learns to stay silent. These lessons become deeply embedded, shaping future friendships, romantic relationships, workplaces, and even the way a person treats themselves.
As adults, many people unknowingly recreate emotional environments that resemble their early experiences. This is not because those experiences were healthy or enjoyable, but because they are familiar. Familiarity signals safety to the nervous system, even when it includes pain. Someone who grew up with unpredictable caregivers may later feel drawn to partners who alternate between warmth and distance. Stability, when it finally appears, can feel unsettling or suspicious. The body remains braced for abandonment because calm was never part of the original template. These dynamics show up repeatedly, reinforcing the belief that something is wrong with the person, when in reality the nervous system is following old instructions.
Morton emphasizes that awareness is the first step toward change. Rather than trying to immediately fix behavior, she encourages observation. Noticing recurring relationship patterns, emotional triggers, and automatic reactions helps reveal what the original blueprint was designed to protect against. When people stop judging themselves and start asking what purpose a behavior once served, shame begins to loosen its grip. Understanding that a pattern developed to keep you safe allows compassion to replace self-blame, creating room for transformation.
One of the most common survival strategies Morton examines is perfectionism. On the surface, perfectionism looks like motivation and discipline. Beneath it, however, lies a belief that worth must be earned. For many children, attention and affection were tied to performance. Praise arrived with good grades or achievements, while mistakes brought disappointment or emotional distance. Over time, the child learns a powerful equation: success equals love. As adults, this belief drives relentless productivity, overwork, and burnout. Rest feels undeserved, and self-worth rises and falls with external validation.
The tragedy of perfectionism is that it can never deliver what it promises. No achievement can satisfy the need for unconditional acceptance that was missing early on. Praise offers only temporary relief before the anxiety returns. Morton invites readers to examine their beliefs about worth, rest, and productivity, and to question whose voice they are following when they push themselves beyond exhaustion. Separating value from output is not about lowering standards, but about recognizing that worth exists independently of accomplishment.
Another deeply ingrained pattern is chronic apologizing and people-pleasing. For many, apologizing becomes automatic, a reflexive attempt to manage others’ emotions before conflict arises. This behavior often originates in environments where emotional expression felt unsafe or burdensome. Children who learned that their needs caused distress or anger adapted by shrinking themselves. Apologies became a way to soften their presence and prevent harm. As adults, this habit persists even when it no longer serves a protective function.
Breaking free from people-pleasing does not require sudden confidence or confrontation. Morton stresses the importance of small, manageable steps. Pausing before an unnecessary apology, noticing discomfort without acting on it, and tolerating the anxiety of taking up space gradually retrain the nervous system. The goal is not to eliminate apologies altogether, but to stop using them as a tool for self-erasure.
Fear of asking for needs is another powerful survival response explored in the book. For those whose vulnerability was met with ridicule, punishment, or neglect, expressing needs can trigger intense fear. The body reacts as if danger is imminent, even in safe adult relationships. As a result, people avoid asking, hint instead, or remain silent while resentment builds. Morton introduces a counterintuitive approach: deliberately imagining the worst-case scenario. By confronting the feared outcome directly and planning for it, the mind gains clarity and the fear loses some of its power. What once felt overwhelming becomes manageable when examined rather than avoided.
Across all these patterns runs a common thread: control. Perfectionism, people-pleasing, silence, and overachievement are all attempts to control external outcomes in order to feel safe. The cost of living this way is disconnection from the self. Constantly scanning others for cues about who to be leaves little room to discover what one genuinely wants or needs. Over time, personal preferences, desires, and identity become blurred.
Morton reframes healing not as fixing behaviors, but as building an internal sense of safety. This means developing a relationship with oneself that does not depend on approval or performance. Small acts of self-trust - choosing rest without justification, saying no without explanation, noticing personal preferences - gradually create an internal anchor. These moments may feel uncomfortable at first, especially for those who have spent years prioritizing others’ needs, but they accumulate into a foundation of self-respect and emotional resilience.
In conclusion, "Why Do I Keep Doing This?" by Kati Morton offers a compassionate explanation for why intelligent, self-aware people continue repeating behaviors that make them unhappy. By tracing these habits back to early survival strategies and nervous system conditioning, the book removes shame from the healing process. Change, Morton argues, does not come from force or self-criticism, but from understanding, patience, and learning to come home to oneself. Freedom is not about controlling relationships or outcomes, but about building enough inner safety to trust who you are and how you feel.
In "Why Do I Keep Doing This?: Unlearn the Habits Keeping You Stuck and Unhappy", Kati Morton explores a question many people quietly ask themselves after repeating the same painful patterns: why do I keep ending up here, even when I know better? The book reframes self-sabotaging behaviors not as personal failures or flaws, but as intelligent survival responses formed in early life. Morton argues that what once helped us stay safe in unstable or emotionally threatening environments can later become the very habits that keep us exhausted, unhappy, and disconnected. By understanding the origins of these patterns and how they live in the nervous system rather than conscious choice, the book offers a compassionate path toward lasting change and self-trust.
From the moment we are born, we are learning how relationships work. Long before language, children absorb emotional rules from caregivers: what earns attention, what leads to rejection, and what feels dangerous to express. These early experiences form a relational blueprint that quietly guides adult behavior. Whether childhood was loving or chaotic, predictable or unstable, the brain adapts to what it is given and treats it as normal. If affection was conditional, the child learns to perform. If care was inconsistent, the child learns to stay alert. If expressing needs caused conflict or withdrawal, the child learns to stay silent. These lessons become deeply embedded, shaping future friendships, romantic relationships, workplaces, and even the way a person treats themselves.
As adults, many people unknowingly recreate emotional environments that resemble their early experiences. This is not because those experiences were healthy or enjoyable, but because they are familiar. Familiarity signals safety to the nervous system, even when it includes pain. Someone who grew up with unpredictable caregivers may later feel drawn to partners who alternate between warmth and distance. Stability, when it finally appears, can feel unsettling or suspicious. The body remains braced for abandonment because calm was never part of the original template. These dynamics show up repeatedly, reinforcing the belief that something is wrong with the person, when in reality the nervous system is following old instructions.
Morton emphasizes that awareness is the first step toward change. Rather than trying to immediately fix behavior, she encourages observation. Noticing recurring relationship patterns, emotional triggers, and automatic reactions helps reveal what the original blueprint was designed to protect against. When people stop judging themselves and start asking what purpose a behavior once served, shame begins to loosen its grip. Understanding that a pattern developed to keep you safe allows compassion to replace self-blame, creating room for transformation.
One of the most common survival strategies Morton examines is perfectionism. On the surface, perfectionism looks like motivation and discipline. Beneath it, however, lies a belief that worth must be earned. For many children, attention and affection were tied to performance. Praise arrived with good grades or achievements, while mistakes brought disappointment or emotional distance. Over time, the child learns a powerful equation: success equals love. As adults, this belief drives relentless productivity, overwork, and burnout. Rest feels undeserved, and self-worth rises and falls with external validation.
The tragedy of perfectionism is that it can never deliver what it promises. No achievement can satisfy the need for unconditional acceptance that was missing early on. Praise offers only temporary relief before the anxiety returns. Morton invites readers to examine their beliefs about worth, rest, and productivity, and to question whose voice they are following when they push themselves beyond exhaustion. Separating value from output is not about lowering standards, but about recognizing that worth exists independently of accomplishment.
Another deeply ingrained pattern is chronic apologizing and people-pleasing. For many, apologizing becomes automatic, a reflexive attempt to manage others’ emotions before conflict arises. This behavior often originates in environments where emotional expression felt unsafe or burdensome. Children who learned that their needs caused distress or anger adapted by shrinking themselves. Apologies became a way to soften their presence and prevent harm. As adults, this habit persists even when it no longer serves a protective function.
Breaking free from people-pleasing does not require sudden confidence or confrontation. Morton stresses the importance of small, manageable steps. Pausing before an unnecessary apology, noticing discomfort without acting on it, and tolerating the anxiety of taking up space gradually retrain the nervous system. The goal is not to eliminate apologies altogether, but to stop using them as a tool for self-erasure.
Fear of asking for needs is another powerful survival response explored in the book. For those whose vulnerability was met with ridicule, punishment, or neglect, expressing needs can trigger intense fear. The body reacts as if danger is imminent, even in safe adult relationships. As a result, people avoid asking, hint instead, or remain silent while resentment builds. Morton introduces a counterintuitive approach: deliberately imagining the worst-case scenario. By confronting the feared outcome directly and planning for it, the mind gains clarity and the fear loses some of its power. What once felt overwhelming becomes manageable when examined rather than avoided.
Across all these patterns runs a common thread: control. Perfectionism, people-pleasing, silence, and overachievement are all attempts to control external outcomes in order to feel safe. The cost of living this way is disconnection from the self. Constantly scanning others for cues about who to be leaves little room to discover what one genuinely wants or needs. Over time, personal preferences, desires, and identity become blurred.
Morton reframes healing not as fixing behaviors, but as building an internal sense of safety. This means developing a relationship with oneself that does not depend on approval or performance. Small acts of self-trust - choosing rest without justification, saying no without explanation, noticing personal preferences - gradually create an internal anchor. These moments may feel uncomfortable at first, especially for those who have spent years prioritizing others’ needs, but they accumulate into a foundation of self-respect and emotional resilience.
In conclusion, "Why Do I Keep Doing This?" by Kati Morton offers a compassionate explanation for why intelligent, self-aware people continue repeating behaviors that make them unhappy. By tracing these habits back to early survival strategies and nervous system conditioning, the book removes shame from the healing process. Change, Morton argues, does not come from force or self-criticism, but from understanding, patience, and learning to come home to oneself. Freedom is not about controlling relationships or outcomes, but about building enough inner safety to trust who you are and how you feel.
September 1, 2025
Why Do I Keep Doing This? by Kati Morton explores how family dynamics and deep-rooted anxiety shape the ways we control, shrink, or disconnect from ourselves. Each chapter focuses on a different response, such as perfectionism, people-pleasing, feeling “too much,” numbing out, avoiding strong emotions, and even depression or feeling stuck. I especially appreciate the “control exercises” in each section, which offer practical strategies for managing anger, letting go of perfectionism, and setting healthier boundaries.
I’ve been working on understanding my people-pleasing tendencies and learned that “Fawn” is actually a trauma response. Reading insights from a licensed therapist feels validating, but I also want to acknowledge that the reflections are heavy. They reminded me how much of my own childhood trauma I’ve yet to fully process.
This is a great tool book for understanding emotions and trauma responses, but you need to choose the right time to read and absorb it since the work can be emotionally taxing.
Thank you NetGalley and Grand Central Publishing for the ARC.
I’ve been working on understanding my people-pleasing tendencies and learned that “Fawn” is actually a trauma response. Reading insights from a licensed therapist feels validating, but I also want to acknowledge that the reflections are heavy. They reminded me how much of my own childhood trauma I’ve yet to fully process.
This is a great tool book for understanding emotions and trauma responses, but you need to choose the right time to read and absorb it since the work can be emotionally taxing.
Thank you NetGalley and Grand Central Publishing for the ARC.
December 14, 2025
3.75 ⭐️ I liked it but it wasn’t super remarkable
January 27, 2026
A self-help book that, to be honest, I took a lot of good information from to understand better why I do things the way I do. Kati Morton offers many examples from her own life, patients’ lives, and members of her online community. Is a lot of the information common sense? Yes, but it's nice to read what you might be going through and how a few changes could give you better results. The two biggest takeaways for me are that change takes time and might not always be noticeable to you, but it is happening. And second, during the course of making life changes, there will be setbacks. Not letting those setbacks stop you is the actual challenge.
March 20, 2026
J'ai reconnu des patrons chez des gens que je côtoie et peu chez moi. Je pense que ça m'a aidé à mieux comprendre les gens autour de moi et leurs comportements.
January 4, 2026
There were good points and some things that were generally helpful, but the writing tone and style seemed like one extended journal entry.
Read
March 17, 2026"Recognizing the role of emotions in my body was a game changer for me because I had spent years trying to figure out how to feel them, believing that was their only role. Thinking that I needed to set aside hours to let myself cry because I never did that or maybe I should go to one of those rage rooms where you get to break everything so that I could get my anger out. I believed that emotions needed to be released or expelled in some way. I pushed myself to find quick solutions, which didn't honor the reason the emotion existed at that moment. It's almost like my hurried efforts to move through them meant that I wasn't letting myself feel them at all.
As someone who tends to overfunction in life, I see this pattern everywhere. I constantly seek to understand a problem, figure out how to fix it, and then rush toward that goal. This pattern has me trying to think through my feelings instead of actually feeling them, also known as "intellectualizing." I believe that if I just do what I'm supposed to do to reach that goal, the discomfort will fade, and I can move on to the next thing. But this approach always leaves me frustrated, criticizing myself, and still feeling bad. When it comes to emotions, I can't control them or make them disappear by intellectualizing them. I need to recognize their presence, acknowledge the message they are sending, allow for them to be there without judging, and then learn from them."
"Instead of resisting or trying to suppress my emotions, I've learned to approach them with curiosity and compassion. Each emotion, no matter how uncomfortable, carries valuable information about what we need, what we care about, and where we might be out of alignment in our lives. By sitting with our emotions, we give ourselves the chance to hear what they are telling us, to learn from them, and to respond in ways that are true to who we are.
This isn't about passively letting emotions run our lives. It's about actively engaging with them in a way that honors their role in our experience. Emotions are not the enemy. They are signals and guides that point us toward deeper understanding and healing. By giving them the space they need, we also give ourselves the space to grow.
And here's the truth: When we stop fighting our emotions and allow them to flow through us, we build emotional resilience. We learn that we can handle whatever comes our way and that no emotion is too big or too overwhelming. This is the path to emotional freedom: recognizing that our feelings, while intense, are temporary visitors, not permanent residents. They come and go, but we remain stronger and more self-aware with each passing wave."
"Next time you feel and uncomfortable emotion, pause for three to five minutes and just sit with it. Don't try to numb it out--instead, notice where the emotion shows up in your body and what it feels like. Afterward, take a moment to reflect: How did it feel to just let it be?"
"That's where the real challenge lies, not just in making changes but in accepting that growth is slow, and often invisible at first. It's about learning to sit with the discomfort of not seeing progress right away and trust that the work we're doing is laying the foundation for something greater. It's hard to stay motivated when the results feel so far away, and it's natural to wish the process was easier or faster. But even though I sometimes hat the pace, I also know that meaningful, lasting change isn't supposed to be instant. It's a gradual unfolding, a slow rewiring of old patterns, and it takes time for that to really sink in and take hold.
If we did get immediate results, if everything we desired came to us in an instant, would we truly value them? Would we appreciate the effort, growth, and resilience that come from the journey, or would it all feel somewhat hollow? Instant gratification often diminishes the significance of our achievements because it bypasses the essential thought process of struggle, learning, and self-discovery.
Think about it: When we work hard for something, whether it's a personal goal, career aspiration, or a meaningful relationship, the challenges we face along the way shape our character and deepen our understanding of ourselves and the world around us. The trials, setbacks, and moments of doubt not only teach us resilience but also allow us to cultivate the gratitude for the eventual rewards. It's like working for things somehow increases their value."
As someone who tends to overfunction in life, I see this pattern everywhere. I constantly seek to understand a problem, figure out how to fix it, and then rush toward that goal. This pattern has me trying to think through my feelings instead of actually feeling them, also known as "intellectualizing." I believe that if I just do what I'm supposed to do to reach that goal, the discomfort will fade, and I can move on to the next thing. But this approach always leaves me frustrated, criticizing myself, and still feeling bad. When it comes to emotions, I can't control them or make them disappear by intellectualizing them. I need to recognize their presence, acknowledge the message they are sending, allow for them to be there without judging, and then learn from them."
"Instead of resisting or trying to suppress my emotions, I've learned to approach them with curiosity and compassion. Each emotion, no matter how uncomfortable, carries valuable information about what we need, what we care about, and where we might be out of alignment in our lives. By sitting with our emotions, we give ourselves the chance to hear what they are telling us, to learn from them, and to respond in ways that are true to who we are.
This isn't about passively letting emotions run our lives. It's about actively engaging with them in a way that honors their role in our experience. Emotions are not the enemy. They are signals and guides that point us toward deeper understanding and healing. By giving them the space they need, we also give ourselves the space to grow.
And here's the truth: When we stop fighting our emotions and allow them to flow through us, we build emotional resilience. We learn that we can handle whatever comes our way and that no emotion is too big or too overwhelming. This is the path to emotional freedom: recognizing that our feelings, while intense, are temporary visitors, not permanent residents. They come and go, but we remain stronger and more self-aware with each passing wave."
"Next time you feel and uncomfortable emotion, pause for three to five minutes and just sit with it. Don't try to numb it out--instead, notice where the emotion shows up in your body and what it feels like. Afterward, take a moment to reflect: How did it feel to just let it be?"
"That's where the real challenge lies, not just in making changes but in accepting that growth is slow, and often invisible at first. It's about learning to sit with the discomfort of not seeing progress right away and trust that the work we're doing is laying the foundation for something greater. It's hard to stay motivated when the results feel so far away, and it's natural to wish the process was easier or faster. But even though I sometimes hat the pace, I also know that meaningful, lasting change isn't supposed to be instant. It's a gradual unfolding, a slow rewiring of old patterns, and it takes time for that to really sink in and take hold.
If we did get immediate results, if everything we desired came to us in an instant, would we truly value them? Would we appreciate the effort, growth, and resilience that come from the journey, or would it all feel somewhat hollow? Instant gratification often diminishes the significance of our achievements because it bypasses the essential thought process of struggle, learning, and self-discovery.
Think about it: When we work hard for something, whether it's a personal goal, career aspiration, or a meaningful relationship, the challenges we face along the way shape our character and deepen our understanding of ourselves and the world around us. The trials, setbacks, and moments of doubt not only teach us resilience but also allow us to cultivate the gratitude for the eventual rewards. It's like working for things somehow increases their value."
November 1, 2025
WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS? UNLEARN THE HABITS KEEPING YOU STUCK AND UNHAPPY
BY: KATI MORTON LMFT
I don't know if this was a matter of bad timing because I did experience a stressful week while reading this, and that might have kept me from enjoying this Non Fiction, Self Development book called, "WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS? I actually like psychology books that are more Scientifically based. I have a background in Psychology, but I like to keep up to date with different modalities, and I read Scientific journals. This took me longer to read than usual, and the content was either not as deep as I like which I did rate it four stars since at around 72% was when I discovered the last two sections more engaging and that raised my rating.
The Author, KATI MORTON LMFT did have an extremely pleasant conversational tone, and voice that felt extremely compassionate, and conversational. She includes vignettes from her community, which she also provided questions at the end of each section or Chapter. Throughout the entire book she claimed to be a huge proponent of Journaling which is something that I used to do, but haven't in the last several years. She spoke about how helpful it is for her so much, that I hope to start doing that to gain clarity.
We are biologically wired for connection, and I love how she included a vast multitude of ways for enriching our connections, by utilizing our passion for revisiting our passions for hobbies we enjoy. I can get so caught up in reading that I have less time for that. I appreciated Kati's idea of taking my work to a favorite coffee shop, and I can think of a Starbucks, about 15 or 29 minutes away by car drive where that used to be busy. I love that idea where I could get a pastry or some other form of sweet home made sweet treat, and I can bring my Kindle, and/or Laptop while sitting inside especially since the Winter months are starting today. I love to do Diamond Art and I haven't been to a Women's craft group that meets in my Local Library, also there are Book Clubs that have various genres that meet once per month with about 20 members. I wanted to try the Literary Fiction and the Mystery, and I think they have one more Romance, that definitely wouldn't be for me.
I loved the Brene Brown quote she excerpted having to do with this second to last section that went something like this: "We can choose courage, or we can choose comfort, but we can't have both. Not at the same time."
Publication Date: December, December 9, 2025
Thank you to Net Galley, Kati Morton, and Grand Central Publishing/Balance for generously providing me with my ARC in exchange for a fair and honest review. All opinions are my own, as always.
#WhyDoIKeepDoingThis #KatieMorton #GrandCentralPublishing #Balance #NetGalley
BY: KATI MORTON LMFT
I don't know if this was a matter of bad timing because I did experience a stressful week while reading this, and that might have kept me from enjoying this Non Fiction, Self Development book called, "WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS? I actually like psychology books that are more Scientifically based. I have a background in Psychology, but I like to keep up to date with different modalities, and I read Scientific journals. This took me longer to read than usual, and the content was either not as deep as I like which I did rate it four stars since at around 72% was when I discovered the last two sections more engaging and that raised my rating.
The Author, KATI MORTON LMFT did have an extremely pleasant conversational tone, and voice that felt extremely compassionate, and conversational. She includes vignettes from her community, which she also provided questions at the end of each section or Chapter. Throughout the entire book she claimed to be a huge proponent of Journaling which is something that I used to do, but haven't in the last several years. She spoke about how helpful it is for her so much, that I hope to start doing that to gain clarity.
We are biologically wired for connection, and I love how she included a vast multitude of ways for enriching our connections, by utilizing our passion for revisiting our passions for hobbies we enjoy. I can get so caught up in reading that I have less time for that. I appreciated Kati's idea of taking my work to a favorite coffee shop, and I can think of a Starbucks, about 15 or 29 minutes away by car drive where that used to be busy. I love that idea where I could get a pastry or some other form of sweet home made sweet treat, and I can bring my Kindle, and/or Laptop while sitting inside especially since the Winter months are starting today. I love to do Diamond Art and I haven't been to a Women's craft group that meets in my Local Library, also there are Book Clubs that have various genres that meet once per month with about 20 members. I wanted to try the Literary Fiction and the Mystery, and I think they have one more Romance, that definitely wouldn't be for me.
I loved the Brene Brown quote she excerpted having to do with this second to last section that went something like this: "We can choose courage, or we can choose comfort, but we can't have both. Not at the same time."
Publication Date: December, December 9, 2025
Thank you to Net Galley, Kati Morton, and Grand Central Publishing/Balance for generously providing me with my ARC in exchange for a fair and honest review. All opinions are my own, as always.
#WhyDoIKeepDoingThis #KatieMorton #GrandCentralPublishing #Balance #NetGalley
December 9, 2025
As stated in the description, “this book will give readers the ability to not only ask themselves why do I keep doing this? but also have the insight to find a real answer.”
I befriended Kati on Instagram & each time she posts a video I feel like she is talking directly to me, like she is reading my mind on what I need to hear that particular day. She is honest & has a gentle way of expressing herself where you want to listen & learn & do. This book will be one I refer to over & over again.
I love the exercise questions & control challenges at the end of each chapter. The questions are helpful in summing up the chapters & forces you to be honest with yourself. The challenges are oh so challenging! Gonna take some time to put those into practice!
This is not just a self development book, it is also Katie sharing her journey with us. She puts herself out there so we can understand & learn that changes for better in our life can happen.
Kaiti: Thank you for writing this book.
Favorite Lines:
“Control is a precarious thing. It keeps us safe and in line, but it can also be the very thing that breaks us.”
“We can learn from the past, respect it for what it was, and choose to do it differently tomorrow.”
I befriended Kati on Instagram & each time she posts a video I feel like she is talking directly to me, like she is reading my mind on what I need to hear that particular day. She is honest & has a gentle way of expressing herself where you want to listen & learn & do. This book will be one I refer to over & over again.
I love the exercise questions & control challenges at the end of each chapter. The questions are helpful in summing up the chapters & forces you to be honest with yourself. The challenges are oh so challenging! Gonna take some time to put those into practice!
This is not just a self development book, it is also Katie sharing her journey with us. She puts herself out there so we can understand & learn that changes for better in our life can happen.
Kaiti: Thank you for writing this book.
Favorite Lines:
“Control is a precarious thing. It keeps us safe and in line, but it can also be the very thing that breaks us.”
“We can learn from the past, respect it for what it was, and choose to do it differently tomorrow.”
February 28, 2026
Thank you to the publishers for an advanced copy of the book for an honest review!
Similarly to other reviews, I found this book to be generally good but unremarkable. As a therapist, maybe my judgment is unfair, as the intended audience seems to be the average person/someone not in the mental health or psychological fields.
There were a small handful of useful tidbits I may share with patients, and she can translate therapy-speak into digestible language with a pleasant, conversational tone. However, I agree with previous reviewers that the book seemed to read like an extended journal entry in the second half of the book. I wish there were fewer self-references and more research. While the citations from her "community" were helpful in some contexts, I found them repetitive and added little substance; I would have preferred case presentations/composites from clinical experience rather than quotations from friends or social media followers.
Nevertheless, this book could be helpful for people interested in beginning self-inquiry outside a therapy office. I just wasn't reading much of what I haven't already read or known before.
Similarly to other reviews, I found this book to be generally good but unremarkable. As a therapist, maybe my judgment is unfair, as the intended audience seems to be the average person/someone not in the mental health or psychological fields.
There were a small handful of useful tidbits I may share with patients, and she can translate therapy-speak into digestible language with a pleasant, conversational tone. However, I agree with previous reviewers that the book seemed to read like an extended journal entry in the second half of the book. I wish there were fewer self-references and more research. While the citations from her "community" were helpful in some contexts, I found them repetitive and added little substance; I would have preferred case presentations/composites from clinical experience rather than quotations from friends or social media followers.
Nevertheless, this book could be helpful for people interested in beginning self-inquiry outside a therapy office. I just wasn't reading much of what I haven't already read or known before.
December 30, 2025
If you are dealing with what many others are: feeling stuck, people pleasing, self-sabotaging, numb and anxious this is the book for you. Written by an LMFT (licensed marriage and family therapist) each chapter dives right into the issues we face on a daily basis.
I appreciated the fact that this book was written more as an informative guide than a clinical based read. Each chapter discusses a different scenario that we all need help with but are afraid to ask, or we know we make these mistakes but keep the cycle going until we start to seek help. This book explores the “why” aspect on our behaviors without lecturing. Past trauma, upbringing, wanting to belong, and learning how to let go all resonated with me. Sometimes the only way we can move forward is to understand the big picture of our pasts.
Thank you to NetGalley and Grand Central Publishing for providing an ARC of this book in exchange for my honest feedback.
I appreciated the fact that this book was written more as an informative guide than a clinical based read. Each chapter discusses a different scenario that we all need help with but are afraid to ask, or we know we make these mistakes but keep the cycle going until we start to seek help. This book explores the “why” aspect on our behaviors without lecturing. Past trauma, upbringing, wanting to belong, and learning how to let go all resonated with me. Sometimes the only way we can move forward is to understand the big picture of our pasts.
Thank you to NetGalley and Grand Central Publishing for providing an ARC of this book in exchange for my honest feedback.
December 19, 2025
Boy, do I feel seen. Some great advice in this non-fiction, self-help book written by a licensed marriage and family therapist. The blurb is true to the content, exploring the “common struggle and contradiction with control in ourselves and relationships” and helps to find resolution of each scenario addressed with the important question of “why do I keep doing this?” For instance, how many times do you say “I’m sorry” in a day you really aren’t at fault for anything?!
I was able to toggle back and forth from the ebook and audio, which was narrated by the author. You could hear the passion of the subject matter in her voice, yet remained calm in her pacing for an enjoyable experience.
Thanks to the publisher GCP Balance for the gifted eARC and Hachette Audio for the ALC.
I was able to toggle back and forth from the ebook and audio, which was narrated by the author. You could hear the passion of the subject matter in her voice, yet remained calm in her pacing for an enjoyable experience.
Thanks to the publisher GCP Balance for the gifted eARC and Hachette Audio for the ALC.
October 8, 2025
In "Why Do I Keep Doing This?", Morton takes the reader through 11 reflection exercises to develop greater insight into relatable emotional and relationship challenges, such as 'Fitting In and Feeling Left Out' or 'Perfectionism and Feeling Like You're Not Enough'. Each topic includes a section on 'where does this feeling come from?' that details possible childhood/developmental origins of the pattern, as well as vignettes illustrating how the struggle can look. The section then ends with "why do I keep doing this?", a series of thoughtful reflection questions to identify how the pattern shows up for you.
As a workbook this could be a great tool for someone to do processing either independently or in conjunction with therapy. Keep in mind that the questions hit at sensitive areas e.g. connecting current struggles to aspects of childhood/family dynamics, so the reader will want to emotionally pace themselves.
Thanks to Netgalley and the publisher for the e-ARC.
As a workbook this could be a great tool for someone to do processing either independently or in conjunction with therapy. Keep in mind that the questions hit at sensitive areas e.g. connecting current struggles to aspects of childhood/family dynamics, so the reader will want to emotionally pace themselves.
Thanks to Netgalley and the publisher for the e-ARC.
January 28, 2026
As a self diagnosed control freak, I found a lot of aspects of this book super helpful!
It was interesting to reflect on my childhood and things that have happened in my adult life that have contributed to me wanting a white knuckle grip on everything to do with my life. I definitely thought of my situation in a new light and how I have consciously and unconsciously contributed to how I am now.
I understand that this author is very active on Instagram, but it did start to get old with her mentioning “my community” over and over and over again. I understand that might be a petty grievance, but it did start to grate on my nerves.
It was interesting to reflect on my childhood and things that have happened in my adult life that have contributed to me wanting a white knuckle grip on everything to do with my life. I definitely thought of my situation in a new light and how I have consciously and unconsciously contributed to how I am now.
I understand that this author is very active on Instagram, but it did start to get old with her mentioning “my community” over and over and over again. I understand that might be a petty grievance, but it did start to grate on my nerves.
December 3, 2025
Bought this because I keep buying self-help books about breaking unhelpful patterns, which is itself a pattern Morton would probably have thoughts about.
She's a therapist with a big YouTube following, and it reads like that: warm, accessible, occasionally drifting into that soothing-but-vague register where sentences sound profound until you try to repeat them at dinner. Some genuinely useful stuff about control and people-pleasing. Some sentences that could be cross-stitched onto a pillow.
Did I finish it? Yes. Will I remember it in six months? Ask me in six months.
She's a therapist with a big YouTube following, and it reads like that: warm, accessible, occasionally drifting into that soothing-but-vague register where sentences sound profound until you try to repeat them at dinner. Some genuinely useful stuff about control and people-pleasing. Some sentences that could be cross-stitched onto a pillow.
Did I finish it? Yes. Will I remember it in six months? Ask me in six months.
March 8, 2026
⭐️ 3
if someone had given this to me a year ago, before hell (my internship) forced me to change, it would have helped me a lot. *so to be fair, I already knew most of what’s written in this book by the sheer force of experience.
if someone had given this to me a year ago, before hell (my internship) forced me to change, it would have helped me a lot. *so to be fair, I already knew most of what’s written in this book by the sheer force of experience.
The irony is that, in our attempt to avoid rejection, we’ve rejected ourselves in the process.
"A puffer fish,” she explained. “You’re soft and sensitive on the inside, but whenever someone gets too close, you stick out your spines to protect yourself and keep them at a distance."
December 31, 2025
Therapy in a neat little package! It doesn't matter what it is you're going through or for what reason life has reared its ugly head, again... This is a relatable read for everyone to guide you through...well...you. I listened to the audiobook, read by the author, and found it engaging and funny at times. We're all in the same boat in some form so pick this up. It's cheaper than a therapist and worth your time!
January 19, 2026
Really enjoyable listen, but like many self help books, it didn't knock my socks off or anything. That's probably more about my enjoyment of the this genre of book than anything though. I did enjoy the end of the chapter questions to think about and exercises. I want to go back and write those down at least. I definitely got what I needed and expected out of this book. I'd recommend it to friends. 3.5
January 25, 2026
Came across this audiobook on Spotify and I thought it sounded good for the new year. Something about this book felt so authentic, maybe the fact that the author read it, or maybe it just applied to me a lot, but it felt like a good conversation with a wise friend. I’m currently in my masters to become a therapist, and this book really solidified some goals for me. If you want something that will call you out about control, empathy, isolation, and habits, this is a great read (or listen)
January 31, 2026
This is the book to read if you want to bring your therapist home with you, or if you don’t have access to a therapist. It’s chock full of information and questions that dig beneath the surface to help you understand why you do the things you do. I relate to so much of what Kati writes and feel like she’s a kindred spirit.
February 11, 2026
Blinkist app
Book of the day:
Why Do I Keep Doing This? (2025) explores how childhood survival strategies around control keep adults trapped in toxic cycles of approval-seeking and people-pleasing. It unveils how behaviors that were once protective disconnect people from their authentic selves and block genuine connection, and shows how you can begin to break free from your unconscious patterns.
Book of the day:
Why Do I Keep Doing This? (2025) explores how childhood survival strategies around control keep adults trapped in toxic cycles of approval-seeking and people-pleasing. It unveils how behaviors that were once protective disconnect people from their authentic selves and block genuine connection, and shows how you can begin to break free from your unconscious patterns.
January 9, 2026
Was fine to listen to intermittently at work, but kinda zoned out at times. When I zoned back in I did learn a lesson or two though so not too shabby. Definitely were a few a-ha moments for me and validated my previous experiences.
January 18, 2026
Some really great quotes and things to do to help better myself. Particularly “the fear of jumping is smaller than the pain of staying stuck” and we can chose courage and we can chose comfort but we can’t have both. Not at the same time.” Lots of food for thought!
January 21, 2026
3.75 ⭐️ s from me. A lot of really good nuggets in this book. The author talks a lot about her experiences and journaling. For me the content wasn’t new or earth shattering but a good reminder of ways to grow to start off 2026 on a good note.
February 28, 2026
2.5-3ish stars. This was on a list of books for daughters of a specific type of mother so I figured I’d read it…turns out it’s kind of just a condensed version of like 3 other books I’ve already read so, unfortunately, I didn’t get much new out of it.
Review of advance copy received from Publisher
Test
January 7, 2026
This book is good but not as good as some of her other books. It’s the same sort of style as her other books but it’s all about letting go and why we do the things we do.
January 20, 2026
Kati is a treasure in the world of therapy. She keeps it real and shares her own struggles throughout. This is truly validating as we all work to unlearn unhelpful patterns and get unstuck.
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