Will I Ever Be Free of You? Lib/E: How to Navigate a High-Conflict Divorce from a Narcissist and Heal Your Family

by Karyl McBride (Reader)

Author of the bestseller Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, Dr. Karyl McBride draws on her expertise in treating children and partners damaged by narcissists in this practical new guide to divorce and its aftermath.With more than three decades of experience as a licensed marriage and family therapist, Dr. McBride guides you through the emotional fallout and challenges of being married to and divorcing a narcissist. The court system assumes that both parties in most high-conflict divorces are at fault, but a narcissist can wreak havoc in the divorce process. Dr. McBride shows how to navigate this kind of divorce and how you and your children can heal afterward.Written for those considering or already going through divorce, as well as the professionals working with them, Will I Ever Be Free of You? has three parts: "Recognizing the Problem," "Breaking Free," and "Healing from the Debilitating Impact of Narcissistic Relationships." You begin by learning exactly what narcissism is, how to identify it, and how it affects relationships, then how to begin and carry on through a divorce and make the best decisions for you and your children. Dr. McBride lays out a road map of trauma recovery for the whole family, offering a step-by-step program for recognizing and healing from the particular emotional damage that narcissism causes.This guide offers new therapeutic strategies and practical guidance for protecting yourself and your children through this difficult time.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Divorce, Self Help, Relationships, Parenting, Health

Audio CD

First published February 10, 2015

Reviews

[April · Rating 4 out of 5]

Super helpful. I got to skip the chapters about trying to decide if I should leave my narcissist husband because I already did 6 years ago. But this is really helpful for helping my children and my interactions with him now. Also just general help with defining emotions for kids and just showing them empathy. Which sometimes amid the hustle and bustle of life... happens. The best Christmas present or any present to give my kids is to help us all navigate successfully free of the narcissist in our lives! I feel better prepared and equipped to do it now. Thank you dr mcbride!

[Rachel · Rating 3 out of 5]

Most people probably know some difficult people, but don’t know the concept of personality disorder. Nor are they aware of the combinations of traits that should send up red flags. Personally, I think empathy, consideration, and “theory of mind” (recognizing that other people have valid personalities and viewpoints) should be taught starting in grade school or earlier, and the curriculum should include strategies for dealing with people lacking in those traits.

This book focuses on dealing with a narcissist during and after a divorce. I liked it, but with some reservations. It’s useful to recognize narcissistic behavior in your partner or ex; it puts things into a context that makes sense. However, I don’t think it’s a good idea to see oneself as a victim and to blame all the relationship problems on the other person. For the first two-thirds of this book, I was concerned that it encouraged the reader to do that, and it bothered me. Children are victims. After growing up, an abused or neglected child may, understandably, make a poor choice in a partner—but it is a choice. Being a victim precludes taking responsibility for poor choices. I thought the old standard Women Who Love Too Much did a better job of having the susceptible person focus on his or her own personal development and not on the faults of the personality-disordered one.

In the later chapters of the book, the author offers a lot of good practical advice for dealing with the difficult ex, the children, the court system, and therapists. The biggest focus is on minimizing damage to the children. In this part of the book, she does talk about working on yourself, with ways to approach specific types of situations. She also gives a blueprint for a pilot project that looks like it would help families through the court system.

I’m not big on most of the pop-psychology self-help books, which this definitely is. But I think it could be very helpful for people who find themselves in this situation.

[funda · Rating 3 out of 5]

Yazar narsisistik bir ebeveynle büyümüş ve bu alanda uzmanlaşmış bi psikiyatr. Dolayısıyla bu konuda hem kişisel hem de profesyonel deneyimi mevcut. Özellikle kitabın adından da belli olduğu gibi boşanma aşamasında yaşanabilecek sorunlar üzerinde çok detaylı durmuş. Ve bu sorunlara çözümler de üretmiş. Ancak Amerika hukuk sistemi üzerinden yapılan çözümlemeler bir başka ülkenin okuyucusu için çok da anlam ifade etmeyebiliyor. 3*’ın nedeni tam da bu. Amarika’da her 16 kişiden birinin NKB’den müzdarip olduğunu düşünürsek Narsisistik istismar mağdurlarının sayısı tahmin edeceğimizden çok daha fazla. Bu nedenle farkındalık oluşturması açısından ayrı bir önem kazanıyor bu kitap. Ayrıca kitabın girişinde Narsistik bir ilişki yaşayan kişilerin farkındalığını artıracak çok değerli bilgiler mevcut. Boş Ayna kitabının kısa bir özeti şeklinde. Konuya ilgisi olanların veya bir şekilde bu bireylerle yaşamak zorunda kalanların okuması gerekir diye düşünüyorum.

[Jo Berry ☀️ · Rating 4 out of 5]

A useful book for the right person. The author writes from the perspective of the American divorce system, which seems to involve a lot of lawyers, judges, therapists and other specialists, especially when you’re divorcing a narcissist. I suspect things run a bit differently in other countries however, so the information on navigating the law courts may not be applicable to all readers.

The book also gives quite a bit of space to supporting children through a separation - this is particularly problematic with a narcissistic parent, because they will use the children as pawns in their games. But, if you don’t have children, then these sections are not applicable either. As I said at the start though, for the right person this book has some useful and practical advice. However, if you wanted advice on mentally and emotionally detaching from a narcissistic partner, rather than just navigating the legal system, then I didn’t feel the book covered that very well.

[Μαρία · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Συχνά λέω σε πελάτες μου, που παίρνουν μια απόφαση που θ' αλλάξει τη ζωή τους, την παρακάτω ιστορία: φανταστείτε ότι είστε πάνω σ' έναν μεγάλο κορμό στη μέση ενός ορμητικού ποταμού. Είναι ένα τρομακτικό μέρος για να βρίσκεται κανείς. Αν πηδήσετε προς τη μια μεριά, θα κολυμπήσετε προς τη γνώριμη όχθη, που περιλαμβάνει όλα όσα ξέρετε. Αν πηδήξετε από την άλλη, θα κολυμπήσετε προς ένα μέρος άγνωστο σ' εσάς. Πάντα φοβόμαστε το άγνωστο. Έτσι μένετε λίγο ακόμη πάνω στον κορμό...αλλά αρχίζετε να ζαλίζεστε. Έτσι, πηδάτε κι αρχίζετε να κολυμπάτε προς αυτό το καινούριο και ανοίκειο μέρος και κολυμπάτε σαν δαιμονισμένοι προσπαθώντας να φτάσετε εκεί. Αφού φτάσετε, κοιτάτε προς τα πίσω και λέτε: "Ήταν η σωστή απόφαση!""

[Charlene · Rating 1 out of 5]

The subject matter, having to deal with a narcissist, was great. However, the author contradicts herself fairly often and doesn't seem to notice it. It makes her advice less than optimal. In addition, unlike Martha Stout's Psychopath Next Door, which treated the reader to the full range (or close to it) of psychopathic personalities, McBride has a very limited and rigid view of narcissists. George Simon's In Sheep's Clothing also seemed to understand and convey information better than McBride. But, Sheep's Clothing was about manipulation in general. I was hoping to sink my teeth into an in depth perspective on narcissists. It is clear McBride's views are largely driven by the psych education of the 1960s-80s. She could definitely update her views by taking advantage of all the advancements made in the field. Even with its shortcomings, it was still enjoyable to read. Though, I will keep searching for a definitive book on the subject.

[Marilyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

While I found this book helpful in the clinical observations of a narcissist, and navigating some of the legal issues of divorce, I found it a bit hopeless in the way Dr. McBride lays the path for the children and I simply disagree. I believe when a person divorces a narcissist, and maintains definitive boundaries not just against the abusive ex, but for the children, the children can grow up seeing the differences and understand one parent is warm, loving, and giving and the other is a selfish wreck. That in itself will enable the children to have a better understanding of the extreme selfishness of that narcissistic parent and to also see it is not their fault.

[Courtney · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved this

[Andrea Renfrow · Rating 4 out of 5]

Helpful, but disheartening. It's good to know I have practical things to work on myself and be a proactive parent, disheartening that the author has detailed my experiences so far so accurately and the future in this department looks grim. I'm so glad I know that in addition to the helpful information in this book, the Lord provides and protects. He is our shelter in the storm.

[Sandor Fia Sandor · Rating 5 out of 5]

The author, Karyl McBride, has been practicing psychotherapy services for almost 30 years specializing in dysfunctional family issues. Narcism is one of them. Most psychologists do not even start a deep therapy session with this dysfunctionality. The reason? They do not have disease awareness at all. So it is an almost impossible thing to modify or finetune this personality trait.

It is more than a review. It is a summary of the topic for different people.
(1) The ones who suffer from a narcissistic relationship. There is a way out. Get your courage and strength, ask for help, and start the process. If not for yourself, for your children. It will be hard. But worths it.
(2) The ones who are sought by family members or friends to provide support. Please be empathic and hear them out. Try to understand their situation and support them. It is not an easy process. The victims need encouragement and reinforcement.

The next paragraphs are not about the book but the topic itself. So if you are interested in the book review only, please skip this italic part. Thank you.

So here we are. It is a massive and niche topic. Only those can connect to it who - unfortunately - directly experienced the effects of this dysfunctional daily operation as a spouse or a child. Outsiders can never really understand the effects of it. This egotistic admiration of one's idealized self-image. The grandiose sense of self-importance. The constant need for reassuring their brilliance, beauty, power, etc. Even if someone has a high level of empathy, which attribute - by the way - the narcissistic people lack, those won't see the deep of this hole.

- Why is it a massive topic?
Because everybody has a certain level of narcism, and self-love is a normal feeling. But it has a scale. And there is a level of narcism that is more than unhealthy for the environment. Unfortunately, a high level of narcism can seriously damage one's life and self-image.

- Why is it a niche topic?
It is not effortless to recognize this personality disorder, as they are charming and great manipulators. And it is so easy to fall in love with them. Moreover, the current western society embraces egoism and extraversion, so they can easily fit in.
Side note. It also has some connection with Dale Carnegie's work and his institution that formed a brand new attitude early in the 20th century. It has changed the education system and working methods. Group works, the role of communication, multitasking, extroverts as charismatic leaders, the accepted, expected and rewarded behavioral patterns. Social media also gave a further boost to it. For further details, I recommend the book Quiet by Susan Cain.

- Why outsiders can never really understand it?
Even the sufferers have constant doubts about it. People who show more narcissistic characteristics are genuinely great communicators. They are attractive and pleasing - until they can use you and your energy. Their environment loves and rewards them, and they can easily manipulate people. It is not uncommon to get different feedback from relatives:
"He or she is so adorable. He or she couldn't do it. Even if so, there must be some background reason for it."
"But he or she loves you so much. It must be only a hard day for him or her."
"Every relationship has problems. Deal with it."
"You should stand up for yourself."

- Why do people remain in such a relationship?
On the other side, there are magnificant experiences to live with a person who has a high level of narcissistic attributes. When it is good, it is not just great. It is unbelievably stunning, ecstatic, extraordinary, and wonderful. But it is also a lie.

- Why can't you do relationship therapy?
Narcissistic people do not have disease awareness. They will blame the significant other or the therapist. Or their knowledge. Or the circumstances. Anything but themselves.
So can you experience heaven? Yes. But hell as well. And there will be no balance. Ever.
The harm of living in a relationship comes from different forms. The constant rollercoaster between the best and worst experiences of your relationships. The lack of empathy. The uncertainty of yourself and your attitude. The attacks against the way of your thinking. The constant energy draining.

Book review
I have found it a unique book. It provides a lot of real-life experiences from marriages and divorces. Besides that, the book demonstrates the consequences of this personality. You can find direct tools and advice for identifying the problem, for starting the process of recovery. It also contains tips and tricks about responding to a narcissist to deescalate the situation and stand up for yourself. While the focus is on the marriages, it has direct chapters regarding the affected children. You can learn how to help them to process a divorce from a narcissistic person.

The structure of the book was easy to follow. The content is practical, and I liked the calm and pragmatic style of wording the sentences.

The last chapter is a recommendation on how to change the US juridical system for providing better support for the victims. You can skip it.

[Karen · Rating 3 out of 5]

A helpful book, although of course the sort of thing that no one wants to have to read. Narcissism is a spectrum disorder (p. 6), so there are a range of behaviors that affect relationships in a range of ways; I found McBride's frequent use of real-life stories drawn from her decades of therapeutic practice helpful in that respect. I appreciate that those examples included same-sex as well as opposite-sex couples.

McBride's primary emphasis is really on the effects on children of having a narcissist parent, which shapes the entire book. This emphasis made it less useful to me, going through a divorce without children, but it was easy to just skip or skim those sections.

I wish that I'd read the book much earlier in my own divorce process, especially McBride's conclusion that "A narcissist's perception of reality is that their way is the right way, so they are not usually able to use mediation or to compromise. Mediation with a narcissist is usually difficult and most times not worth the expense" (93). Ah well -- it was a helpful process for me in some ways, so c'est la vie.

"When you are enmeshed inside the narcissistic web, it is more difficult to separate from the strange things that happen. ... Your goal is to get to the place where you are standing outside of the craziness and looking at the narcissist's behaviors more objectively, separating yourself from his or her projections and distorted worldview" (112).

A more helpful book for learning about narcissism and borderline personality disorder, I think, is Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder.

[Katie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Even if you have the good fortune to not be married to or dealing with a narcissistic spouse, this book is still helpful for understanding narcissists in general, and I highly recommend it. The author is very educated and rational and gives many helpful approaches to dealing and engaging with narcissists. Narcissists are very confusing people - especially if they’re good at what they do and “nice” most of the time. This book answered questions for me about narcissists in my life and helped me know how to handle interactions with them, and even protect my children from them, though thankfully I’m not married to a narcissist. It’s still a problem when a family member is a narcissist... Highly recommend! Every attorney should definitely read it to be more aware of narcissism and how it can affect divorce proceedings.

[Yld Slr · Rating 4 out of 5]

Türkçesi SENDEN KURTULUŞ YOK MU? Kitap aslinda eş, sevgili dışında narsistleri tanımaya yönelik bilgileri de içeriyor. Bu anlamda farkındalığımi arttırdı. Yazarın narsistler arasi boşanmalarda çokça görev aldığını düşünerek genellikle mahkeme aşamasında yaşanan sorunlara ağırlık vermiş olduğunu görüyorum ve kitabın sonunda bu konuyla ilgili proje geliştirmiş. Gerçekten araştırılarak özenle hazırlanmış kaynaklar gösterilerek yazılmış emek verdiği anlaşılan bir kitap.

[Kylie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish I had read this book 5 years ago, but it still has helped me immensely. It was very empowering for me. The best part of this book is that it is very compact and gives you everything you need to know and remember about the situation while also providing quick, relatable stories of other people’s situations. Of all the books I’ve read or started reading, this would be my first recommendation to anyone going through this.

[Lenny Husen · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5, rounding up because this is a well-written book and lives up to the title. I am interested in Narcissistic Family dynamics. Divorce and its impact on children is a vital issue and touches the lives of nearly everyone in some way. I have never been divorced and experienced a certain amount of Schadenfreude hearing about some of these stories.
Highly recommend for anyone to whom the title speaks.

[Norah S. · Rating 4 out of 5]

One thing I do like about this book is the "empathy games" that she suggests that everyone should play with their children. For example: show them a picture & let the child guess what the person in the picture is feeling NOT what they are doing. She said our society is becoming increasingly narcissistic. I agree completely !!

[Jessica Wilson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent guide for how to navigate conflict in a divorce, how to protect yourself emotionally and legally, heal yourself and your children from the damage done, and move forward to a whole new life!! Highly recommended for anyone ending a relationship and finding themselves dealing with crazy making behavior.

[Francesca · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this at work because I help quite a few people who have dealt with narcissists in their life.
I really liked this book because she not only talks about ways to deal with a narcissistic ex, but she validates the other spouse/parent who is the victim in the relationship.
If you have ever dealt with a narcissistic ex or know someone who has, give this book a try.

[Kelly · Rating 4 out of 5]

This doesn't pertain to me personally as much as Karyl McBride's first book, but the information here is still valuable. If you have a family member or partner with narcissism, you probably want all of the knowledge you can get your hands on to help yourself and further your understanding of how to deal with this person. She also provides several references and resources that are helpful.

[Jennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

For anyone struggling to get through a high conflict divorce with a narcissist - this book is a must read! Ms McBride uses her 30+ years of experience counseling people and children to provide tips for others on how to manage and cope in this very challenging time. Her tips and strategies are great resources. I highly recommend this book.

[Joanne · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great tips in this for navigating coparenting with a narcissistic ex spouse. I wish there had been more of this. This one is more for those who are beginning to start the divorce process or are in the middle of it. Still, I’d highly recommend this if you’re struggling with a narcissistic partner or think you may be.

[Lisa Butterworth · Rating 3 out of 5]

A Solid book for folks who have already decided they are ready to divorce an abusive or controlling partner. Probably not a book I would recommend to folks who are not yet decided on divorce or who have not yet fully accepted that their partner's behavior is abusive and controlling.

[The Reading Countess · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent resource. If only I’d found this earlier. The concrete examples throughout made this one especially helpful and affirming. The chapters focused on healing the family were my favorite, though many of her examples were for younger children.

[Mark Valentine · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found her chapters on defining and dealing with a narcissist the most beneficial. Some paragraphs or sections did not apply to me so I passed over those but overall, McBride offers solid comfort and aid.

[Jeanne Maloney · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a very good reference to get you through some hard times. I will use this book as a guide and follow a lot of the exercises to help me along the way.

[Dana · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book. Strongly recommend for people who have narcissus in their lives.

[Amy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Unfortunate, cheesy title. Helpful, straightforward book. I really appreciate the healing steps that were outlined.

[Leslie Herbert · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent source for people struggling with Narcissists and how to untangle and escape from them.

[Tara Cignarella · Rating 4 out of 5]

informative and also too wordy in places

[Amelie Van Hess · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very insightful book and lots of new approaches to my current life situation :)