A companion piece.
The garden at the back of my apartment faces south. Yours faces north. But these are opposites that ultimately prove identical. When I first moved in, I put a large, black picture-framed mirror that had once hung in a lounge room of the flat I lived in for a decade up on the fence separating my garden from that of my neighbour to the east. It cast its reflected light onto the dwarf lemon tree I had planted but that has never produced any fruit. Unlike the smaller mirrors you shift every quarter-hour, mine stayed in place. Or, at least, it did, until the builders who were recladding the walls of the apartments to remove the inflammable cladding, moved it and, once they’d finished, I worried the frame might eventually rot and the mirror smash.
I don’t believe in bad luck, but I do believe in rotting and in gravity.
My mother was fond of the idea of candles, more than the reality of them. I have no memory of her ever burning a candle in the house. I guess the hint is in the name - candle-less. But she would talk of how she felt there was something special, something nice in Catholics lighting candles in churches in remembrance. When I was in Paris and then a year later in Tallinn, I went with my partner at the time into churches and in both she bought us candles and told me to make a wish as we lit them together and placed them beside each other. I know the physics of burning candles, and how long they are likely to last, by in my mind's eye each of the four candles continue to burn, even if my wish never come true.
In the dream, a white labrador with a black collar found and followed me on one of my walks. I wasn’t sure what I should do, as its following me was taking it away from wherever it lived and I was worried I might make it lost. But I was in a dream kingdom and more likely to get lost than the dream dog. It bounded happily beside and in front of me. Then my older, intellectually disabled sister shouted out from a window, “Hey, put a lead on the dog”. She could always push my buttons, and I always take the bait. I said to her, “Cathy, you know I don’t have a dog.” But why should she know that? Even in the dream, I couldn’t bring myself to remind her she was dead.
When I moved in, I had two friends over for lunch. It was Greek national day and George is Greek, so I made lamb. As he sat outside in the garden smoking, he suggested I use the metal trellis for green beans. I said nothing, because it seemed too involved to explain there is a possum or a rat that eats plants in my garden as I sleep. It is selective. Certain flowers, sage, the tiny green marbles of lemons, but not rosemary. I’ve planted three rosemary plants, but they must need more sun. They forget to grow.
I can see the Southern Cross and the Pointers when I stand on the wooden deck that is the majority of my garden at night. They are lower in the sky in winter than in summer – which is the opposite of what I might have expected. If you draw a line down the longest part of the cross, and another line perpendicular to the Pointers, the arrowhead where these lines intersect points south. Except, I can never make that work. My phone has a compass that tells me where south is, but I can never make the arrowhead drawn in my mind between the stars align with south on my phone.
Instead of string beans, I planted climbing flowers. The image in my head was of the two plants weaving and spreading out across the mesh and then of their white flowers and green leaves mingling. A patchwork of green leaves and white flowers across the wooden fence. But both raced up the wire and over the fence, only to hang into the kindergarten behind my apartment. I am reminded of my ignorance of plants and their obvious in hindsight ways every time I step into my garden.
I’m taking September and half of October off. I’m hoping to start writing a book. The question it is to skirt around is the way we think we know things, but never quite do, despite our certainty. The curious facts of Nietzsche, Marx and Pascal on atheism, Shakespeare's homosexuality, why science and commonsense are enemies. I don’t expect to ever finish the book, although I’ve made a start at planning what I want to say, the topics I want to cover - if cover is the right word. Even before I start, I wonder what will stand in the way of my finishing it.
I can’t think of a golden thread that binds me to others, alive or dead. It is a metaphor that would never have come to me, even when it came to you as a child. But in reading your book, I couldn’t help thinking of how much time you spend alone and how much time I spend alone and in the strange connection those forms of disconnection make between us.