Affairs: True Stories of Love, Lies, Hope and Desire

by Juliet Rosenfeld

'Hugely thoughtful and stimulating. . . Can't fail to leave us with new insights on our lives.' - Alain de Botton

Working late?
Midnight calls?
Suspicious texts?

One in five of us will have an affair in our lifetimes – but the reasons behind them might not be what you think.

Psychotherapist Juliet Rosenfeld shares the secrets, lies and motivations behind real affairs, through the lens of five very different true stories.

We meet the man who left his wife in the delivery suite to visit his young mistress and the psychologist who put attraction to a patient above career ethics. We hear from the surgeon who risked everything for someone he'd only ever spoken to online and the previously straight woman who cheated on her husband with a female colleague – and changed all of their lives.

In Affairs, this deeply-concealed but exceptionally common aspect of human behaviour is brought out into the light and explored without judgement or shame.

True personal stories, ground-breaking research and expert psychological analysis come together to change everything you have ever thought about infidelity.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Audiobook, Relationships

288 pages, Hardcover

First published March 27, 2025

Reviews

[Meike · Rating 2 out of 5]

Psychoanalytic psychotherapist Rosenfeld wants to change the way we think about affairs, namely by showing that they in fact relate to the Oedipus complex - which she defines differently than I have ever heard before: "The Oedipus complex in ordinary language is how we learn to love, (...)." Well, that's certainly not what Oedipus Rex is all about, and Sigmund Freud's interpretation of the term (Rosenfeld refers to him again and again), which is also very different, has no empirical basis. It's pretty much common knowledge now though that affairs aren't simply a reaction to a relationship on the rocks, so let's check out where Rosenfeld seeks the roots of infidelity.

Inspired by one of her own patients who features anonymized in the introductory part, we get five examples of affairs the author found by posting ads to find willing subjects who would want to, also anonymously, relate their stories. All of these examples come from the English speaking world (UK, USA, Canada), which adds to the factor that cultural aspects (which are central to the question of how a society judges infidelity and why, and what people expect from a relationship) play basically no role. Still, I was fascinated how the author convincingly connected the unspooling of affairs and their dynamics to at first glance rather unrelated life experiences, thus illuminating how people get trapped in behaviors triggered by their subconsciousness and the memories it has assembled and stored. And while even Rosenfeld's own examples show that development does not cease after childhood, that what happens beyond also forms character, the way parents treat their kids does of course impact them their whole lives.

But then there's the pathologizing of sexual preference: Of course, the lay rabbi who is into BDSM is struggling with a "twisted" inclination, and he does so on the internet, which is even worse, because "being online is a place where those suffering from early environmental deficits or trauma go." This sentence informs us that "being online" is in fact a place (???) and that the author is ignorant about the extensive research on the digital space and societal as well as individual media impact conducted in the last 30 years (WTF). You want more proof? There you go: "Like most psychotherapists, I have seen many patients haunted by 'disembodied' and alienating experiences online, who use 'ghosting' as a verb." Well, according to the Cambridge Dictionary and Merriam-Webster, ghosting IS a verb, but usually, experiences don't use any verbs, because they can't speak. But back to the sex, you little perverts: Being a bottom/sub is "a way of reversing trauma by acting it out (rather compulsively." Take note, gay men! I'm obviously kidding: In 2025, there is no excuse to quote Adam Limentani when explaining perversion as a twisting of the truth, "such as the truth of gender transvestism or the truth of generational difference in paedophilia." What I would maintain is really perverted is equaling transpeople to paedophiles. Limentani wrote a famous paper titled "Clinical types of homosexuality", and that's the kind of research Rosenfeld apparently still takes seriously, 50 years later. Strangely, the lesbians included in her book don't get the same treatment.

The author is not a professional writer, but a practitioner of psychotherapy, so she obviously does know a lot about language, but that's not the same as being seasoned in writing long texts - where was the editor, I ask, because the storytelling is sometimes convoluted and feels wooden, and the case descriptions are way longer than the analysis, which consistently feels like an afterthought when it should be the main event: Retelling affairs in a non-literary manner is just gossip, analyzing them to the benefit of the reader is non-fiction. There are more elegant solutions to write these cases.

So overall, there are some interesting thoughts in there, but the project remains underdeveloped, plus I remain unconvinced of the extreme focus on what is here defined as the Oedipus complex as well as the pathology developed around sexuality and media consumption.

[Harsh Prabha Singh · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read an ARC copy of Affairs by Juliet Rosenfeld.

I personally love reading books written by psychotherapists that shine a light on the therapeutic journeys of real people. Some of my favorites so far have been Good Morning, Monster and The Devil You Know. Affairs is a little different—Juliet Rosenfeld isn’t writing about her own clients, but rather about people she interviewed. This creates a more observational and analytical tone, as she dissects these relationships with a certain level of distance rather than through the lens of direct therapy work.

Juliet Rosenfeld is a compelling storyteller, and Affairs feels almost like stepping into a psychological horror story—each real-life account is written with an eerie, immersive quality. She doesn’t just present these stories; she deconstructs them, revealing the hidden psychological patterns that drive people into long-term affairs. The most striking insight comes from the "formulation" sections, where she analyzes how unmet childhood needs—whether for security, validation, or unconditional love—manifest in adulthood as a pull toward secrecy, destructive intimacy, and relationships built on deception. Some affairs in the book come to an end, while others continue, but all take a psychological toll—not just on those involved, but on the people around them. The emotional cost lingers, whether through guilt, secrecy, or irrevocable damage to relationships.

One of the most revealing aspects of Affairs is how it highlights the different types of power imbalances that shape these relationships. I noticed three distinct dynamics: economic and social imbalance, where one person has significantly more financial or social capital than the other; professional hierarchical imbalance, where an affair occurs between a superior and a subordinate at work; and an ethical power imbalance, where a therapist becomes romantically involved with a client. Rosenfeld acts as both storyteller and analyst, making it clear that these relationships don’t exist in a vacuum; they’re shaped by external forces—such as wealth, career dynamics, and psychological vulnerability—that influence not just the course of the affairs but the level of control and dependency within them. This exploration adds depth to each story, showing how these entanglements are rarely as simple as love or desire.

Overall, super fun read that kept me engaged from first page to the last!

[Bebe · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.5

[Shannon · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting listen about a topic that isn’t usually handled so sensitively. I think the most interesting thing for me was observing my own reaction to the different stories - some I found absolutely shocking/disgusting and others I found made complete sense and were justified - despite them all being functionality the same when you strip it down.

I struggle to get on board with the theory of psychoanalysis/psychotherapy sometimes, and that pulled me out of the book a little, but overall I enjoyed this one.

[Sharon den Otter · Rating 4 out of 5]

Proofcopy

[Danielle Anderson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really enjoyed this. So insightful and right up my alley studying human behaviour and the psyche underpinning each of us. Once again displaying that things are not black and white and/or simple!
Thanks for the recommendation Kealy!!!

[Dovilė Stonė · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ko tik aš nejaučiau skaitydama šią knygą... Jaučiau meilę, liūdesį, ilgesį, nuostabą, sumišimą, baimę, pyktį, pasibaisėjimą...

Nagrinėdama penkias išdavystės istorijas, psichoanalitinė psichoterapeutė Juliet Rosenfield bando suprasti, kaip ankstyvosios patirtys gali prisidėti prie tokių destruktyvių pasirinkimų. O tai - dvigubai sunkus bandymas: pirma, autorė ėmėsi nagrinėti labai jautrią išdavystės temą daugiausia iš "kaltininko" perspektyvos; antra, knygą ji adresuoja ne kolegoms, o bendrai publikai, kuri neretai alergiška bet kokiam psichoanalitiniam terminui.

Manau, autorei labai gerai sekėsi susitvarkyti su šiais iššūkiais. Ji puikiai užčiuopia moralinę ambivalenciją tiek pašnekovų pasakojimuose, tiek savose reakcijose. Didelė dovana galėti reflektuoti kartu su autore - kartais rezonuoti, kartais disonuoti, bet niekada neapsimesti neutraliu stebėtoju ar juo labiau teisiu teisuoliu. Psichoanalitines refleksijas lydi paprasti terminų paaiškinimai ir jų įkontekstinimas, tad knyga tikrai tinkama ne specialistams.

Labai vertinu tai, kad užuot pristačiusi savo pacientų istorijas, autorė ėmė ilgus interviu iš žmonių, su kuriais jos nesieja terapinis santykis. Pašnekovai kreipėsi patys - nuo pat pradžių žinodami, kad autorė rašo knygą. Su jais ji nemezgė psichoterapinio ryšio, bet galėjo laisvai naudotis savo psichoanalitiniu žvilgsniu atsirinkdama istorijas, klausydama ir apmąstydama jas.

P. S. Knyga susidomėjau klausydama pokalbio su autore IPA Off the Couch: https://ipaoffthecouch.org/2025/06/29...

“Affairs are often ways out of despair.”

“There are many preconceptions about affairs – above all, a belief that they are always damaging and wrong. This is almost always true, and the harm that they do can cause lifelong suffering to individuals, and especially children caught in their crossfire. But affairs frequently become dirty secrets, almost criminal offences that are rarely referred to and, as a consequence, neither worked through, nor resolved. Very often, they are either never discussed again or used as ammunition to punish someone.”

[Hannah W · Rating 3 out of 5]

Audiobook -listened to this out of sheer nosiness of getting to see "inside" other people's relationships, and to hear what a therapist had to say about it (I should note that the case studies are understandably anonymised and composite-d). Was a little surprised at the amount of Freud referenced and used to explain to almost the point of excusal why people cheated on their partners. Very little consideration given to the trauma the cheated on partners would be facing following the actions of those portrayed here. It focused much more on early childhood as a reason for people cheating rather than current issues in the established relationship they cheated on.

[Ella O’Neill · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book a lot more than I thought. I initially saw a snippet in one of the newspapers we stock in Tesco and just had a little snoop. The fact these are real stories is both fascinating and scary. Particularly the first man who had many affairs but most notably went from the delivery room with his wife to the flat of his mistress 40 mins after she’d given birth!

The way the author analyses what she believes the story to actually mean about the person is really interesting and she takes the time to try and understand why they happened. It really did make me think a little differently about why affairs happen/ how they shouldn’t all be painted with the same brush.

[S Hunt · Rating 2 out of 5]

Written by a psychotherapist in quite immense detail about the lives of 4 couples who have had an affair. Interesting case studies but I would not say these are typical of your average couple! I guess it wouldn’t make interesting reading otherwise…. Some of the ‘characters’ were unbelievable, but maybe I’ve led a sheltered life 😆.
The author tries to give her psychology angle on the reasoning for each of the affairs and this infuriated me. Mummy issues, Freud and all that. Scary how some people think our adult behaviours can be explained away by our childhood experiences!
The book was tragic, infuriating and compelling all at the same time!

[Gavin Heron · Rating 5 out of 5]

challenging, deep and thoughtful exploration of betrayal, grief and love - could not put this down

[Annah Windemuller · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting and intriguing. Was listening as an audiobook and there were a few times it lost me.

[Tallulah Lula · Rating 4 out of 5]

Crazy

[Jasmin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Following the Astronomer CEO and HR head scandal, an influencer Benji who does thought provoking talks on human rights and social justice issues, referenced how non stigmatising language about affairs may ultimately be beneficial in society. He referenced in his video this book Affairs by psychotherapist Juliet Rosenfeld. What he appreciated was her non judgemental and curious approach to affairs.

I was curious and keen to learn a new perspective as I feel there is more I could learn on this topic. I was pretty engrossed in this book and finished it within a few days. By the last story I was a bit tired of a repetitive structure, but the dynamics in the content drew me in.

The story about Kate and Lisa was the main one that made me feel genuinely sad for all the pain their beautiful love was surrounded by. There was so much suffering portryaed through this book.

It was interesting to learn a few new terms and learn more about a psychoanalytic framework through which Juliet was trained and viewed these stories through. I thought it was excellent to explore the childhoods and vulnerabilities of the individuals who were featured, in relation to their actions.

I wonder about her own relationship with affairs - personally, through her community, family and so on, that may have been contributors to the author's interest.

I appreciated Juliet's honesty about her own reactions and feelings and found this fascinating and overall very engaging. I've not read anything like it, nor much about affairs in general in literature personally other than as portrayed fictionally.

Thank you Juliet!

[Jo_Scho_Reads · Rating 4 out of 5]

Affairs is a compelling dissection of a human trait known to us all. Whether you’ve had an affair yourself, had a partner who’s had an affair or simply known someone who has had an affair, you’ll know how common they are (I’m thinking about the Coldplay concert here!) Within these pages author and psychotherapist Juliet Rosenfeld provides five genuine case studies, where it’s possible to see both similarities and differences between all of the protagonists.

This is truly a fascinating book. The author carefully reveals the circumstances of each affair, then delves deeper to try and understand the motivation for each one, often looking back as far as childhood. It’s a riveting read, but what I especially enjoyed here is that it’s written in layman’s terms, making it really accessible and easy to understand. To me it felt like a unique opportunity to glimpse into the world of psychoanalysis.

It’s obviously a tricky subject matter if you’ve been a casualty of an affair. These case studies are from the adulterers not the innocent parties so it can be hard to feel any sympathy for them. But it’s interesting to see how their behaviour is examined and explained. There’s also a fair bit of detail on Freud, his Oedipus complex and childhood trauma. Personally, I’m not altogether convinced about that, but hey I’m not a qualified psychotherapist, what do I know?

All in all this is a thoughtful and accomplished look at an aspect of human nature that is secretive - and often catastrophic. It’s compelling and very candid, yet surprisingly also full of compassion.

[Anggi · Rating 5 out of 5]

I finished listening to this book on BookBeat recently. It left quite an impression on me as it told unflinching yet sensitive stories of five different affairs from the lens of Juliet Rosenfeld who is a brilliant psychoanalytic psychotherapist. Their stories made me shed tears and pushed me to reflect on my own past relationships.

She gave a kind and honest psychological analysis alongside each story of infidelity. You could tell she really cares for each storyteller and wants to give them justice when recounting their stories in her book.

Juliet also mentioned that one of the reasons many people reached out to her to share their infidelity stories was partly to memorialise the affairs that they had. This is because they would rarely get a chance to be open about it with someone who is nonjudgmental to their predicament like her. I wondered why anyone would want to expose their deepest secret to a total stranger when I first saw the book. So this particular fact provided a satisfying answer to my initial question.

This book offers a fresh perspective on what really lies behind people's motivation in having extramarital relationship and its repercussions to their lives.

If you are curious about why people choose to cheat on their partner or you are also a big fan of Esther Perel's book The State of Affairs like me then please do pick up this book next!

[Ruby Warhol · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.8 rounded up

Interesting book I picked up randomly at Hay Festival because the author was there.
I read it in 3-4 sittings because the true stories had me hooked. There's a lot of detail (not sure how anonymous it really is if you know these people irl), and they're sprinkled with psychological explanations of people's behaviour, the mechanisms of the human mind (which I would've liked to go deeper into), and insight into the process of therapy (especially in Eleanor's chapter, you'll find out why).

It takes a psychoanalytical stance throughout which I haven't read much about, and I found it enlightening and thought-provoking.
Some criticism is that I think it could've benefited from more grammatical editing and sometimes felt too forced in one direction. For example, it would've been interesting to explore other causes for affairs that don't lie in the mother-infant relationship.
One client said his childhood was fine and the therapist concludes there must have been trauma and he just doesn't remember.. What if something happened in his youth or adulthood instead, or his brain is just built differently?

Other than that I thought it was a good book, not flinching from a very common relationship problem but addressing it and exploring the causes. The societal taboo doesn't help anyone, and only makes it worse. We should talk about these things!

[Anjali Anil · Rating 4 out of 5]

The title grabbed me first, and the cover sealed the deal. I honestly don’t know why I spent last month picking books I knew would ruin my peace, but I still went ahead with them. This one was no different. It took me almost a month to finish, not because it was slow, but because every chapter felt heavy, raw and real. I had to keep putting it down just to breathe.

Infidelity is something that genuinely irks me to the core. I hate the idea of betrayal, and yet I picked up a book that dives straight into it. But that’s exactly why I kept reading. I wanted to understand the why behind it, the messy layers people never talk about openly. And Juliet Rosenfeld does that without judgement, without sensationalising, without pretending it’s simple.

Each story shocked me in its own way. Some made me angry, some made me sad, and some made me realise how complicated humans really are. Rosenfeld brings together personal stories, psychology and lived experience in a way that makes you uncomfortable but also curious.

This book is heartbreaking, frustrating and honest. And strangely, I’m glad I read it, even if it tested me at every turn.

[Krazyaboutbooks · Rating 5 out of 5]

A very interesting book following the observations of a relationship based psychoanalyst, she hypothesises that people who have a secretive affair (where one partner is unaware) have had some sort of trauma in their childhood/ unresolved issues that make them act in certain ways in romantic relationships. She suggests that the lack of positive parental role model (can be mum / dad), may cause them to seek people like their errant parent in order to punish them in some cases, others do this to feel closer to an absentee parent and others raised without boundaries do not respect other peoples / professional boundaries too. An interesting read and would highly recommend.

Disclaimer: I received this ebook ARC from NetGalley and Pan Macmillan | Bluebird in exchange for a free and honest review

[Abby · Rating 5 out of 5]

It’s disappointing to see a number of reviews that berate the author for writing about the stories of those who choose to have affairs. That’s the whole point of the book? There is a lot of literature out there to support and console the “victims” of affairs but little out there that talks about the “perpetrators.” I found this book fascinating and really insightful. The world isn’t black and white and neither are relationships. I really enjoyed the fact that all the affair stories were different and the links to psychological development were well supported with studies and the writers experience of psychotherapy.

[Joana · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.25

This book is so readable, both for the curiosity of learning about such secret parts of people’s lives and also for the fascinating psychoanalysis that follows which links our early childhood experience to later unforgivable decisions (nothing is mind blowing but it is all interesting).
I read an ARC version that did have some small mistakes that I am sure have been corrected in the final version, but would also be interested to know if anything else changed in the stories by way of updates or further masking.

[Ophelia · Rating 4 out of 5]

At times, this book felt almost voyeuristic. Like peering into the most intimate corners of other people’s lives. Yet that’s precisely what made it so fascinating. Juliet Rosenfeld, both author and therapist, offers not just stories of betrayal and desire, but deep reflections on why people betray those they love.

One of the most intriguing aspects was her frequent reference to the psychology of Oedipus and an understanding in the Freudian sense of unconscious motivations and relational patterns.

[Shishir Chaudhary · Rating 2 out of 5]

I picked it up with an objective to get an in-depth analysis of the psyche of people having affairs outside of their committed relationships. All it ended up saying was people have affairs because of childhood experiences. It was such reductionist an approach that it was borderline condescending to the people whose stories have been told. Plus, the author spends a lot of time explaining the spicy details of the various case-studies she has picked up. A dud.

[Safiya · Rating 4 out of 5]

Was planning to do a chapter a night, but I ate this up. None of the affairs were quite as dramatic as Neil’s in chapter one, but still fascinating and I found the psychological perspective interesting (regardless of whether I felt I agreed with it or not).

Bring on the next season of Couples Therapy now, I am ready for Orna.

[Amanda]

very freudian and narrow exploration of affairs. Found it interesting and made me think more about the unconscious actions we make however does think it often gives those in the book an easy scapegoat for their affairs and seems to unintentionally (?) diminish the harm caused by peoples often conscious actions.

[Andréa T. · Rating 4 out of 5]

interessant, surtout d'avoir la perspective des personnes qui trompent. je pense toutefois que j'aurais davantage aimé le livre s'il traitait des liaisons en considérant davantage l'aspect social et moins l'aspect psychologique/œdipal etc (mais écrit par une psychoanalyste donc c'est normal).
pour simplifier c'est toujours les hommes le problème.. 🚬

[tahia · Rating 4 out of 5]

a really interesting take into a very taboo topic. i enjoyed reading the experiences of the interviewees but what was the most intriguing part was rosenfeld's psychoanalysis after each interview. she presents a pragmatic psychotherapy viewpoint, but in a digestible way so even those of us without psychology degrees can understand her arguments.

[Alice Chau-Ginguene · Rating 4 out of 5]

While it is a very interesting book on a very interesting subject, I personally don’t believe in everything caused by childhood problems. Speaking as a survivor of childhood trauma and been through extensive treatment to get better, I still believe some people’s psychological problems can’t simply be explained by their childhood. Human nature is often more complicated than that.

[Felix95 · Rating 4 out of 5]

A rare insight behind the curtain of an affair. Added a lot more context behind the reasons why people risk affairs. It isn’t always as rudimentary as sex as the primary motivation. Definitely interesting, though it was sometimes hard to distinguish between what was a persons account and the authors views.

[Fleur Currie]

Dangerous. Will prevent people who could really benefit from therapy from accessing it oout of concern they will have to endure hundreds of sessions with a therapist so judgemental, unkind and self-entitled.