Britt

by Alan Hardy

DEGENERATE FLOOSIES…DASTARDLY GERMAN SPIES…DIRTY OLD MEN…SOPWITH CAMELS…AND A VIRGINAL HERO AND HEROINE WHO ARE ENGLAND’S ONLY HOPE…. 1918. England faces defeat. Germany looks set to triumph. Only one man and one woman can save England. Wriggles is the Royal Flying Corps’ greatest ace. Can he prevent a dastardly German spy ring from getting top-secret information out of France? Is he completely out of his depth in a world of devilish scoundrels, and flouncing, unashamed, near-naked scarlet women? Britt, his childhood sweetheart, is working as a nurse at a hospital near Paris. Forever pining for the lost innocence of her childhood, she too has problems. Adrift in a world of dirty old men and dissolute hussies, she is fast approaching mental breakdown. She finds purpose in life as a slayer of German spies. Convinced as she is that German male spies have snakes growing out from between their legs, they are quite easy to identify. Another obsession of hers is to discover what Wriggles has between his legs... As well as twists and turns of plot, exciting aerial combats, and a host of characters, from the suave, bollocks-obsessed Major Mullen to sexy, black-haired, pouting Marianne casting amorous eyes over our virginal hero, there unfolds (in the story of Britt and Wriggles) one of the greatest love-stories ever told. Will it end happily, or will Wriggles end up with a bullet through his head, and Britt strait-jacketed in a mental institution? This is a novel of sexual and martial comedy, with no-holds-barred excitement and thrills, and more. It explores two flawed individuals who, heartbreakingly unable to come to terms with an adult world, begin to draw closer and closer together and discover feelings hitherto unknown to them. It is a sympathetic portrayal of two children trapped in adult bodies, and how one of them, Britt, tries to dig her way out of her schizophrenic nightmare with a courage and determination which deserves to succeed… Will Britt manage to save herself..? And will Britt and Wriggles save England..? Will they find true love? Or does death and madness await them in a world dominated by Germany and its depraved supporters?

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Published April 17, 2025

About the author

I'm a director of an English language school for foreign students. Married, with one daughter. Poetry pamphlets: Wasted Leaves, 1996; I Went With Her, 2007. I've had poems published in such magazines as Orbis, Iota, The Interpreter's House, Poetry Nottingham, Poetry Salzburg Review, Poetry Cornwall, and others. I have now written ten novels. I would describe them as surreal novels with plenty of comedy, satire, humor, romance, sex and adventure. They're shocking, original and respectful of nothing and nobody. You have been warned.
The nine published so far are THE CASE OF THE TATTOOED BUTTOCKS, THE CASE OF THE PINIONED BOSOMS, THE CASE OF THE DISAPPEARING CORPSES, THROUGH THE GATES, VAMPIRE HUNT, JULIA, GOOD QUEEN BETH, BRITT, and GABRIELLA.
THE CASE OF THE TATTOOED BUTTOCKS, subtitled AN INSPECTOR CULLOT MYSTERY, is a cheeky, exciting murder mystery, with plenty of thrills, surprises, witty repartee, suspense and sexy ladies, let alone a couple of gory murders. The story takes place in a country mansion, with an assembled array of suspects (a mixture of the rich, decadent, sophisticated and louche) who are all perhaps not quite what they seem and hiding God knows what secrets... Even the renowned Inspector Cullot, with his occasional fits of dark despair, and now working in a department store's lingerie section, is tormented by ghosts from his past... And does the bumbling, simple-minded PC Blunt, recording another Inspector Cullot case for posterity in an array of note-books, also have skeletons in his cupboard..? And do the unsolved Night-Club Hostess Murders committed two years earlier have a bearing on the case? And what about the strange tattoos on the buttocks of the gorgeous ladies assembled at the mansion? What does it all mean? You'll die laughing trying to find out.
Check out the two follow-up novels in the series, THE CASE OF THE PINIONED BOSOMS and THE CASE OF THE DISAPPEARING CORPSES.... let alone THE CASE OF THE TORN YELLOW SOCKS, soon to appear as the fourth book in this hilarious series...
THROUGH THE GATES is a time-travel novel, with the hero (or anti-hero) Mark travelling back to the days of World War Two. He lives in an old house with a big, mysterious garden where he keeps unearthing and discovering objects which draw him back into the past. He's also obsessed with a beautiful young woman he saw when very young, and his attraction towards the past, and journeys into it, are also an attempt to find her and discover who she was... Not to mention the gold bullion buried somewhere in Mark's garden...
VAMPIRE HUNT tells the story of Dr Joseph Aymon's return to Transylvania in search of Bella, his long-lost first love, and in search of vampires...to kill...
JULIA is a novel dealing with a young man's obsession with his first love, and his pursuit of her over seven years. Is he just a young man hopelessly and helplessly in love, or is it something more delusional...or even dangerous?
GABRIELLA is a cheeky, sexy portrayal of young love played out on the sports field. It's romantic, provocative, unabashed, and unapologetic.
BRITT is set in France during World War One, and is a comic, exciting tale of derring-do, spies, aerial dog-fights...and sexual shenanigans... In contrast to this world of sexual abandon and experience, we have Wriggles of the Royal Flying Corps and Britt, his childhood sweetheart. Both are innocents in a world they don't understand, and can't relate to. With a devilishly cunning German spy ring about to escape with top-secret information that might well bring about England's defeat, they are England's only hope. Will they be able to save England, and find true love...?
GOOD QUEEN BETH is a savage, no-holds-barred critique of the monarchy and present-day society, in a novel which is brutal and provocative, yet exhilarating and wide-ranging in events and relationships.