As Soon as I Fell: A Memoir

by Kay Bruner

What happens when being radical for God brings you to the edge of disaster?

When Kay Bruner and her husband, Andy, took their young family to live on an island in the South Pacific, she found the purposeful, adventurous
life she’d hoped for—along with isolated living, dangerous sea travel, tropical illnesses, and a floundering marriage. As they worked on a Bible translation project with a local language group, Kay sank into burnout and depression while Andy medicated his stress with a pornography addiction.

Stepping back from the brink required a radical reinvention of life, from a ministry and marriage built on high performance and spiritual heroism, to a nourishing daily walk of grace, freedom, and intimate connection.

This is a story about going to extremes for spiritual acceptability and failing dismally, only to find that love and grace transcend failure. For anyone who’s ever asked, “When will I be good enough for love?” This book resoundingly answers: “Right now. You are loved, right this minute, in this mess.” While few of us will live on a tiny island in the South Pacific, many of us will find hope and healing in this story of a painful fall into the arms of love.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Biography, Christian, Christianity, Counselling, Biography Memoir

238 pages, Kindle Edition

First published August 15, 2014

About the author

Kay Bruner was born in Buffalo, New York and grew up in Brazil, Nigeria, and the wilds of Kentucky. She and her husband have raised their four children in Solomon Islands, Papua New Guinea, and the great state of Texas. Kay divides her work days between counseling and writing. She blogs at www.kaybruner.com.

Reviews

[Verone · Rating 5 out of 5]

Kay Bruner writes a story of adventure, of life in far-away places, and of coming back to the states and settling back in to a great llfe. That is like saying that surgery feels good and nothing ever goes wrong. Beginning with the young married years of a couple who felt called to do God's work, Kay's story is fascinating, yet painful to read. The missionary life in the Solomon Islands for nine years was anything but easy and it took it's toll on Kay and her husband, Andy, in diffferent ways. This story is one of survival, and is based in part on actual diaries that Kay kept during these nine years. While reading about the life Kay, Andy and their four kids lived, I know the setting must have been beautiful but on the inside the pain she was feeling at having to be the perfect everything to everybody was unbearable. Isolation and resourcefulness became part of Kay's daily life. This is a book for those who want to know about the life of a missionary family, for those who feel like they must present a persona of perfection, for those struggling with depression, AND for those dealing with the fleshly temptations that we often turn to when we can't find anything else to relieve the pressure and pain. It is not a negative story, no matter that there are some devastating things that occur during this nine years. Read it and be amazed, uplifted and encouraged. Thanks for your bravery and honesty, Kay.

[Christie Hagerman · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a missionary, I identified with the culture shock, the inadequacy, the loneliness, the pressure from without and within, the feeling of being overwhelmed by it all and not seeing how God could possibly make something beautiful out of the mess life on the field turned out to be. I was riveted to this book and thought Kay's story couldn't possibly get worse, when each page seemed to prove me wrong.

I have found that my time on foreign soil has served to help me grow far more than those I came to minister to, and that God has shined light on all sorts of misconceptions and untruths in what was forming the foundation of my beliefs, not only theologically but in who I was at my core. Kay went through a similar journey--maybe we all do--and I found hope in how God patched up those cracks to fix the faulty foundation.

I applaud Kay and her husband for their willingness to share such personal details, not only because I know so many people will find themselves in their story, but also because their happy ending offers hope and encouragement.

[Holley Gerth · Rating 5 out of 5]

A Gift of Grace

Every Christian woman who has ever felt the need to perform or be perfect to earn God's love will find healing in this tender, honest, brave book.

[Aleassa Jarvis · Rating 4 out of 5]

So much of this book really resonated with me. There were so many similarities to my own story that it was almost eerie. I giggled and cried through most of it.

I did feel that something felt off or lacking in the description of her husband’s addiction recovery. It was like there was a disconnect between her pain and devastation and yet also almost a casual attitude about the addiction itself and his recovery. I guess I didn’t find his recovery or treatment of it very convincing, although her growth and recovery was clear.

Thank you to the author for her incredible bravery and vulnerability in sharing such an honest look into her life as a missionary wife, and her journey out of people-pleasing into rest and acceptance.

This is one missionary memoir that I actually find believable, relatable, and safe to share without fear that the reader will be left feeling like they have to do more, be more, and just work harder at being a “good Christian woman” as she describes it.

She described books becoming her safe community after a devastating situation, and I have to say that I would describe this book as being a new friend in my own newly found community of books.

[Krystal · Rating 4 out of 5]

Over the course of the time it took me to realize, I had to think about many things. This book is very thought provoking. I thought about how I would manage if I was in that kind of position where I felt like my job was pleasing people and then finally crashing completely to the ground. Kay this book is so heartwarming and thought provoking. I couldn't help but feel the total emotion in this book. The life of a Missionary is never easy, this much I can see from the book. I was extremely impressed with this book and I'm glad I was chosen as a first reads winner for it.

[R.J. Rodda · Rating 5 out of 5]

An extraordinary book. I thought this would be a typical missionary story. I did not expect such a raw, brutally honest memoir, a dissection of the things we do for God and why. When everything completely falls apart for Kay we get an inside seat on her inner turmoil and the journey she takes to become whole and free. As she says, "As soon as I fell, He caught me".

By the end I did feel Kay was a bit hard on herself and her husband. Because of their willingness to go to live in a remote area in the Solomons, the Arosi New Testament now exists and that is an immeasurable achievement.

[Bec · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have a personal connection to this book as a friend of the authors daughter. I grew up here, the same door that swallowed Kay's friends, swallowed me. Part of this story is my story. I have a hunch however, that part of this story also will become a part of many other people's stories. This is a great gift.

[Becky Spies · Rating 5 out of 5]

Kay Bruner's memoir was exactly what I needed. It was honest, gritty, funny, and poignant. Her story of finding herself is so challenging to me. She had to give up worrying what others would think so that she could become who God always intended her to be. We should all find that place that she enjoys now. Are we willing to live through the pain to get there?

[Joy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Um, there are really no words for this other than if you want to understand a missionary wife or you are a missionary wife, you should read this book. Stunning, real, and messy.

[Abigail Westbrook · Rating 5 out of 5]

This memoir is written simply but is rich with insight as to why people do what they do. The author describes the challenges of missionary life and that feeling of never being quite good enough for anyone, especially God. I appreciated her humility and honesty even in the areas that were very painful. She somehow does not fall into playing victim, yet she is still honest about how others hurt her deeply. What stood out most to me are her thoughts about being so caught up in performance that one loses all sense of self-identity and doesn’t even know who they are. I also was glad that she portrays the healing journey very realistically, with many ups and downs and struggles, yet continuing to trace God’s hand in it all. I’d recommend this book to anyone who has grown up in Christian circles, especially those with a tendency toward legalism.

[Carl]

I didn't rate this book, because it's impossible to rate a person's life on a scale of 1-5. Any rating would fail to honor the story and the storyteller.

Kay's experiences on and then off the mission field are her own, and she has owned them deeply. Kay, thank you for sharing your story.

[Tamara Murphy · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was provoked by Kay Bruner's story of life with her husband Andy and their four children on a remote island in the South Pacific, and by their dedication to translating the Christian Scriptures for the Arosi people in New Guinea. The story of the dogged determination challenged me, both in their courage and also in their realization that much of their energy was fueled by performance-driven fear. I think all ministry leaders need a good reminder of the sort of burn out that can happen, and the sort of wilted and loveless relationships that can result.

In the Bruner's case, their marriage became a sort of ground zero for the implosion of drivenness. Kay discovers porn on Andy's computer which leads, eventually, to his confession to her and to their supporters of his addiction to porn. A subtext to their story is the way ministry leaders provide and request accountability and give care for those caught up in sinful patterns. Unfortunately for the Bruners, the organization sending them did a horrible job, bordering on (in my opinion, engaging in) spiritual abuse.

What made me the most frustrated with the Bruner's courageous storytelling was the slim focus the book actually makes on the fall-out of pornography. I suspect (although I don't actually know) that this part of their story is still unfolding and, perhaps, was a bit too fresh to receive a full treatment in the memoir.

I wrote a bit more about my frustration with the Bruner's conclusions about God and themselves in this post: Anyone want to hear stories about staying married (I'm asking for a friend)

Even so, the Bruner's display a beautiful fortitude in their commitment to each other, to their family, to their marriage vows and to their mission community. I was glad to know their story.

[Vikki · Rating 4 out of 5]

A missionary by choice?

This book is an autobiographical account of the daughter of a missionary who married a missionary. I gave this book a 4 star because of the authors candor. There was next to nothing in the book about working with the native residents other than they were there to translate the New Testament into the language of the tribes. Admittedly this was a hard and challenging road to travel but there was a lot of whining and complaining. Then it is discovered that her missionary husband has a problem that is unthinkable for anyone, especially one in the Lords work. After they returned to the states and became settled both were in some intense therapy. Which was greatly needed.

[Susan Remele · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow, this story and the person (Kay Bruner) who lived it/wrote it is AMAZING. You don't have to be a missionary to relate to this book; it applies to everyone in all walks of life and is incredibly enlightening and eye opening as to what a woman/man/family goes through on the mission field. I couldn't put it down from the very first page and highly recommend it to everyone. Along with Kay, I love her mantra: "Do the right thing and learn to live with a little guilt." Guilt is a lie; You have to listen to LOVE instead! Thank you Kay, for writing this book and sharing it with the world. xoxox

[Kaylee · Rating 5 out of 5]

This books evokes so many emotions in me. It was a blessing to follow her story and see how God used something so hard to bring about a much needed change of heart and belief. It was hard to see how far she had to go before she understood the need to create boundaries. It was heartbreaking to see the driving force behind the agency's "counseling" but also a blessing to see her recognize what she needed and to find out that her story was part of the change later made in the agency's format. As a fellow missionary, I see so many of her thought processes in my own and have had to deal with some similar issues which makes it both hard and so good to read this memoir.

[Katrina · Rating 5 out of 5]

Though not everyone can identify with being a foreign missionary, most women will be able to identify with Kay's quest for belonging and acceptance within her own life and faith. As one of the editors for this book, I remember thinking that it should be a companion piece for those who thought The Poisonwood Biblewas realistic. THIS memoir is transparent and honest, full of breathtaking imagery with hopefulness and humor.

[Mary · Rating 4 out of 5]

A beautifully written memoir by Kay Bruner. I finished it in 2 days. LOVE THE COVER! =)

I have this mythical picture in my head about perfect Missionaries and how they must be SUPER spiritual and totally like ONE with God. Not so. They are human too. I love the honesty of this book. I hope to learn from Kay's experiences so that I don't have to experience the especially painful parts myself.

I too had never heard of the word "self-care" at church or any Bible Study. I love the example of asking the Starbucks barista for what she wanted!

[Amy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is beautifully brave and honest. I wanted to better understand what it is like for our missionaries to serve and the challenges they may face. We read about the heroes of the faith and think they were perfect. However, my guess is many of them had similar struggles, doubts, and points of crises on their journeys as well. I'm so glad Kay Bruner shared her story. As she mentioned in an interview, "I wrote this book because I needed this book and couldn’t find it." http://t.co/J17vq8gEFw

[Regina Chari · Rating 3 out of 5]

This memoir was incredibly vulnerable and I enjoyed learning about life in the Solomon Islands. I enjoyed her personal story from about 2/3 in when she opened up about her families struggles. However the first part of her story was hard for me to get into. It took ages for me to get through the beginning of this book but I am glad that I pushed though!

[Nathan Dunn · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book, and once I started reading it, I didn't want to put it down. Kay's style is so easy and natural, yet real and vulnerable. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I will recommend this book to so many people!

[Tina Zielke · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely loved this book. Kay is real, raw, and vulnerable of her account on the mission field. But anyone who has been caught up in performance equals Gods love and approval will relate, and get a lot out of this book. I would recommend this book to just about anyone!

[Sherri · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of the best autobiographies I ever read by a missionary. The story is real. Full of pain and joy. The book shares the ups and downs of missionary life.

[Peggy Hess Greenawalt · Rating 4 out of 5]

An interesting memoir that takes you into the center of a family and their life of missionary work in difficult places.......the struggles, sacrifices, and rewards.

[Sarah Tummey · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was one of those books I could really get into. Very honest, great writing and I loved how it ended.

[Polly · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read Kay's memoir in one day. It was hard to put down and I'm still thinking about it. Update: I'm changing this to five stars, because so many parts are still with me. :)

[Marti Wade · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing story of brokenness and personal growth.

[Gwenn Mangine · Rating 4 out of 5]

So related to this book. Spurred on my desire to get help for burnout.

[Erin Henry · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really interesting memoir about the pain of perfection; trying to be good; and repressing emotion. The healing she works through at the end is beautiful.

[Cara Meredith · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fascinating for those with a bit of evangelicalism and/or claims to the missionary life under their belts (gulp).

[Yibbie · Rating 1 out of 5]

I had a very hard time writing this review. So much of this book bothered me, but how do I put it into words? How can you critique a book that is so personal? It’s heartbreaking chronicle of a woman trying to please God by her good works.
To be brutally honest, I found it depressing. Even the end didn’t alleviate that feeling. The conclusion was less distressing on one level, but more distressing on many more. I’m glad their marriage is getting healthier. I’m glad she is doing better with her relationships. It certainly would be freeing to know that you can serve Christ with your best and not according to others dictates. That would be the less distressing part, but…
First off, I know that this is written with a Christian audience in mind, but there is no Gospel. She desperately wants to know God loves her, loves each of us, but never once does she mention the fact He died for us. Never once does she explain that God doesn’t ask us to make ourselves good, but rather gives us His Spirit to sanctify, strengthen, and comfort us. I understand her struggle to be perfect in her own strength was impossible. It is for all of us.
Eventually, she sees her good works aren’t what make her loveable to God and that He loves her unconditionally, but rather than turning to the sure Word of God she turns to psychology and the Catholic mystic, Henri Nouwen to figure it out. Perhaps that’s just the way it came across, but Scripture was still missing. That was the second thing. I know she didn’t say what denomination they were, but it always troubles me when I hear of Protestants or Evangelicals reading and following Catholic theologians. In this case, he influenced her greatly.
Then there was the section at the end where she goes back and relives, or grieves again, every hurtful thing that happened over her life. Again there was no Biblical framework for any of it, just a repetition that it was alright to grieve. Certainly, it is, but what about forgiving, and not looking back, but pressing on?
If you are looking for an equally personal story about a missionary struggling with her life, but one that comes to a more Biblical conclusion, I would recommend Confessions of a Transformed Heart by Nancy Sheppard. She too tried to serve God in her own strength, but after she fell, she turned to God and followed his path to strength.