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Armadillo Fists
A weird-as-hell gangster story set in a world where people drive giant mechanical dinosaurs instead of cars. Her name is Psycho June Howard, aka Armadillo Fists, a woman who replaced both of her hands with living armadillos. She was once the most bloodthirsty fighter in the world of illegal underground boxing. But now she is on the run from a group of psychotic gangsters who believe she's responsible for the death of their boss. With the help of a stegosaurus driver named Mr. Fast Awesome--who thinks he is God's gift to women even though he doesn't have any arms or legs--June must do whatever it takes to escape her pursuers, even if she has to kill each and every one of them in the process. Strange, engaging characters, breakneck pacing, and jam-packed with more brilliantly weird concepts than you'll know what to do with--this is cult author Carlton Mellick III at his best.
167 pages, Kindle Edition
First published December 16, 2011
4 people are currently reading
203 people want to read
About the author
Carlton Mellick III
119 books2,168 followersCarlton Mellick III (July 2, 1977, Phoenix, Arizona) is an American author currently residing in Portland, Oregon. He calls his style of writing "avant-punk," and is currently one of the leading authors in the recent 'Bizarro' movement in underground literature[citation needed] with Steve Aylett, Chris Genoa and D. Harlan Wilson.
Mellick's work has been described as a combination of trashy schlock sci-fi/horror and postmodern literary art. His novels explore surreal versions of earth in contemporary society and imagined futures, commonly focusing on social absurdities and satire.
Carlton Mellick III started writing at the age of ten and completed twelve novels by the age of eighteen. Only one of these early novels, "Electric Jesus Corpse", ever made it to print.
He is best known for his first novel Satan Burger and its sequel Punk Land. Satan Burger was translated into Russian and published by Ultra Culture in 2005. It was part of a four book series called Brave New World, which also featured Virtual Light by William Gibson, City Come A Walkin by John Shirley, and Tea from an Empty Cup by Pat Cadigan.
In the late 90's, he formed a collective for offbeat authors which included D. Harlan Wilson, Kevin L. Donihe, Vincent Sakowski, among others, and the publishing company Eraserhead Press. This scene evolved into the Bizarro fiction movement in 2005.
In addition to writing, Mellick is an artist and musician.
Mellick's work has been described as a combination of trashy schlock sci-fi/horror and postmodern literary art. His novels explore surreal versions of earth in contemporary society and imagined futures, commonly focusing on social absurdities and satire.
Carlton Mellick III started writing at the age of ten and completed twelve novels by the age of eighteen. Only one of these early novels, "Electric Jesus Corpse", ever made it to print.
He is best known for his first novel Satan Burger and its sequel Punk Land. Satan Burger was translated into Russian and published by Ultra Culture in 2005. It was part of a four book series called Brave New World, which also featured Virtual Light by William Gibson, City Come A Walkin by John Shirley, and Tea from an Empty Cup by Pat Cadigan.
In the late 90's, he formed a collective for offbeat authors which included D. Harlan Wilson, Kevin L. Donihe, Vincent Sakowski, among others, and the publishing company Eraserhead Press. This scene evolved into the Bizarro fiction movement in 2005.
In addition to writing, Mellick is an artist and musician.
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Displaying 1 - 26 of 26 reviews
December 27, 2025
DNF at 31%. I've read plenty of CM3 over the years. Really bizarre, yet incredibly fun. And this was no exception. Mechanical dinosaurs for transportation and a lead that had armadillos for hands? Yeah, normally I'd be down like a clown in China town. Unfortunately, I was really trying hard to get oriented with the story, but all the nonstop jumping around, combined with the overly detailed and strange characters and situations, just became too much after a bit. I literally could not keep track of what the hell was going on, which was frustrating, because I really did want to experience this story. Maybe it got better, but from the looks of some of the previous reviews, the remainder of the book kept the pace, and was just not a good fit for me. The Cannibals of Candyland remains to be my favorite CM3 joint to date.
February 6, 2017
This was a weird book, even by Mellick standards, which is certainly saying something. It also demanded a bit more from me (as a reader) than his standard fare, as not only is this story told in a nonlinear fashion, but there’s probably a dozen characters, plus a few doppelgangers as well. It could get confusing if you're not paying attention. Luckily, Mellick’s knack for straightforward, economic prose kept the story not only interesting and clear, but fast-paced as well. In the (armadillo-shaped) hands of a lesser writer, all the disparate ideas in here would’ve been a jumbled mess. Instead, this short novel is a weird treat that tastes of 30 different flavors at once.
September 15, 2014
The best bizarro book I've read so far. By far. Highly recommend it.
Easily a 1 night stand, being maybe 150 pages of quick reading.
Easily a 1 night stand, being maybe 150 pages of quick reading.
February 23, 2020
The good - dinosaur cars, multi-dimension conventions
The average - though guys ranked by numbers
The bad - story that keeps jumping ahead and back, weird idea of fist modification, not much of a plot.
The average - though guys ranked by numbers
The bad - story that keeps jumping ahead and back, weird idea of fist modification, not much of a plot.
August 21, 2022
All CM3's books I had read so far focused on exploring human affective relationships one way or another. The target of this one is different. Here we have a mix between action, road story and crime. As usual, the book is easy to read and enjoyable. Short sentences and chapters and a very straightforward and visceral writing. The degree of craziness is not limited to the exaggerated characters, environment and means of transportation, but also affects the structure. The book is nonlinear and we are constantly going backwards and forward. Although this works to cause surprises in some cases, it feels a bit unnecessary in general. Other than that, the story is like a triceratops destroying everything that shows up in front of it.
July 25, 2023
From the perspective of “bizarro” fiction I think this is a great book. Very fast paced and fun to read. The absurd scenarios are convincingly narrated and the characters are distinct and believable.
September 3, 2023
My favorite entry in the robot-dinosaur-as-locomotion-for-quadruple-amputees-working-for-mobsters horror(ish) genre! Oh, yeah! And if Bruce Willis' Butch (from Pulp Fiction) had living armadillos for fists, June Howard would still be able to put him away!
July 22, 2024
Thoroughly enjoyed it. This is my second Mellick novel (after, Sea of Patchwork Cats) and I see no reason to stop here. Highlight: Magic Steve being unable to not make childish Dino noises while driving a mechanical Dino.
August 27, 2021
This was a fun fucking ride all the way through. It's great how Mellick can take such wild ideas and flesh them into something real and definitely worth reading.
October 26, 2021
I liked this heartwarming story very much ❤
July 13, 2022
Definitely insane, but I liked how unique each antagonist was. And they drive machinal dinosaurs as transportation.
May 25, 2025
The king of Bizarro. Carlton Mellick III is a author like no other. Writing bizarre fiction like this one. Dinosaur vehicles, armadillo fists for hands, and my favorite the yo-yo gun.
June 29, 2022
Fun and fast. A psychotic boxer with armadillos as hands, a skilled racer human torso, gangsters, mechanical dinosaurs as vehicles. Unconventional structure, the story jumps back and forth and this gives the narration bits of freshness.
March 20, 2012
(Originally posted @ CSI:Librarian.)
4.5 Stars - First of all, I have to say that I could not have been happier to read that Armadillo Fists was influenced by Tite Kubo and Quentin Tarentino. This isn't to take away from Mellick's own creativity or to suggest that this book isn't entirely its own strange creature. What it does mean is that there was so much about Armadillo Fists that reminded me of my favorite sort of manga and my favorite type of films that I was completely beside myself with glee. I also tried to read the book as slow as possible so I could savor each page.
June Howard is a terrific female character, and just her fictional existence alone makes me feel so much better about being so picky about protagonists. Tony aka Mr. Torso aka Mr. Fast Awesome was really, for lack of a better word, awesome. He was also just as absurdly delightful as he was delightfully absurd. There were so many great lines and so many great ideas, particularly the Dop Convention where people met alternate versions of themselves. The dinosaur transportation was also humorous, but I think Mellick's real strength is, as he even points out in the introduction, his ability to care so much about the world and characters, that it's really not hard to feel a lot of empathy for them in a short span of time. Everyone in this book is on the verge of being incredibly ridiculous in one way or another, but the hell if anyone of them think so.
The villains also really make this book really fascinating particularly Mr. Slick and his yo-yo gun, Mr. Sorry and his black tears, and Mr. Happy who would really like to stop being happy at some point. They are a really bizarre and motley crew that reminded me not just of Tarantino's Resevoir Dogs and Tite Kubo's Espada from Bleach, but also Eiichiro Oda's Baroque Works from One Piece.* Their abilities are pretty far out there, they all are tattooed with numbers that rank their toughness, and they are all really fascinating to the point where I would happily read a prequel about each one of them.
I should point out that Aramdillo Fists timejumps a lot, but I didn't find it distracting so much as a nifty approach to keeping the plot's ultimate conclusion shrouded in mystery. The book also has a fairly strong Noir element, particularly towards the end that also enriched the plot. It also made me a bit sad, but I'm okay with that. The boxing aspect of June's life wasn't always prevalent but it was always relevant. There was a heck of a lot of violence of all kinds connected to boxing as well as virtually everything else before and after June got her armadilloes (named Judy and Jocko). But my one complaint, were I to be forced to have one, would probably be that I wish the book had been longer because it had no business ending. And I'm still a bit miffed that it did.
In conclusion, crazy awesome, touching, sometimes gross, totally action-packed, and occasionally hilarious. Armadillo Fists might not be for everyone, but it's worth checking out.
* June probably would have done well in Luffy's crew considering her armadillos... but that is a daydream for another time.
4.5 Stars - First of all, I have to say that I could not have been happier to read that Armadillo Fists was influenced by Tite Kubo and Quentin Tarentino. This isn't to take away from Mellick's own creativity or to suggest that this book isn't entirely its own strange creature. What it does mean is that there was so much about Armadillo Fists that reminded me of my favorite sort of manga and my favorite type of films that I was completely beside myself with glee. I also tried to read the book as slow as possible so I could savor each page.
June Howard is a terrific female character, and just her fictional existence alone makes me feel so much better about being so picky about protagonists. Tony aka Mr. Torso aka Mr. Fast Awesome was really, for lack of a better word, awesome. He was also just as absurdly delightful as he was delightfully absurd. There were so many great lines and so many great ideas, particularly the Dop Convention where people met alternate versions of themselves. The dinosaur transportation was also humorous, but I think Mellick's real strength is, as he even points out in the introduction, his ability to care so much about the world and characters, that it's really not hard to feel a lot of empathy for them in a short span of time. Everyone in this book is on the verge of being incredibly ridiculous in one way or another, but the hell if anyone of them think so.
The villains also really make this book really fascinating particularly Mr. Slick and his yo-yo gun, Mr. Sorry and his black tears, and Mr. Happy who would really like to stop being happy at some point. They are a really bizarre and motley crew that reminded me not just of Tarantino's Resevoir Dogs and Tite Kubo's Espada from Bleach, but also Eiichiro Oda's Baroque Works from One Piece.* Their abilities are pretty far out there, they all are tattooed with numbers that rank their toughness, and they are all really fascinating to the point where I would happily read a prequel about each one of them.
I should point out that Aramdillo Fists timejumps a lot, but I didn't find it distracting so much as a nifty approach to keeping the plot's ultimate conclusion shrouded in mystery. The book also has a fairly strong Noir element, particularly towards the end that also enriched the plot. It also made me a bit sad, but I'm okay with that. The boxing aspect of June's life wasn't always prevalent but it was always relevant. There was a heck of a lot of violence of all kinds connected to boxing as well as virtually everything else before and after June got her armadilloes (named Judy and Jocko). But my one complaint, were I to be forced to have one, would probably be that I wish the book had been longer because it had no business ending. And I'm still a bit miffed that it did.
In conclusion, crazy awesome, touching, sometimes gross, totally action-packed, and occasionally hilarious. Armadillo Fists might not be for everyone, but it's worth checking out.
* June probably would have done well in Luffy's crew considering her armadillos... but that is a daydream for another time.
January 18, 2012
Armadillo Fists is the story of June Howard, who wants nothing more than to be a boxer. She has her fists replaced with armadillos to make her a better fighter. June is on the run from a group of gangsters, for killing their boss. The gangsters have names like Mr. Sorry and Rape Face and Mr. Marathon. They are all tattooed with the numbers 1-10, rating their rank in the organization. Tony, aka Mr. Fast Awesome, was once the greatest dino-driver in the racing circuit, and now he works for the same organization. He makes it his mission to help June at all costs. Mr. Fast awesome might be one of my favorite Carlton Mellick characters. He reminded me of a limbless Sly Guy Fry from Sausagey Santa.
There are so many amazing ideas in this book that I almost passed out while reading it. It is told in a non-linear fashion that will no doubt have many people relating it to Pulp Fiction. And I can see that, too, to the extent that it is a gangster story told out of order. That is where the similarities end.
This book is exactly the thing I’ve come to expect from Carlton Mellick III. And I think this might be one of his best books yet. It is smart and funny and weird and mind-blowing, and well… you just have to read it. This will obviously be a smash hit among Bizarro fans, but I can also see non-Bizarro fans enjoying it. It is the perfect Bizarro-crime drama. Highly recommended.
There are so many amazing ideas in this book that I almost passed out while reading it. It is told in a non-linear fashion that will no doubt have many people relating it to Pulp Fiction. And I can see that, too, to the extent that it is a gangster story told out of order. That is where the similarities end.
This book is exactly the thing I’ve come to expect from Carlton Mellick III. And I think this might be one of his best books yet. It is smart and funny and weird and mind-blowing, and well… you just have to read it. This will obviously be a smash hit among Bizarro fans, but I can also see non-Bizarro fans enjoying it. It is the perfect Bizarro-crime drama. Highly recommended.
June 22, 2015
This is a weird book but it's quite fun. I stumbled across it while searching for another book and with a title like that I felt complelled to read it.
The story revolves around Psycho June Howard aka Armadillo Fists an underground bare knuckle boxer who has had her fists replaced with living armadillos so she can punch harder sort of the ultimate in brass knuckles.
The book is a chase story where June is on the run from a series of gangsters with odd names like Mr Food, Mr Slick, and Mr Corpse and in some cases even odder special abilities. They believe she killed their boss so are trying to capture and kill her. Luckily she has Mr Torso aka Mr Fast Awesome an ex dinosaur race driver (in this world everyone drives mechanical dinosaurs which is awesome I wish we did that here) who has no arms or legs.
The story jumps back and forth in time showing how June became Armadillo Fists and how she got into this mess and then the chase and it's conclusion. It's fast paced and with lots of action and weird but not outrageously so.
It was a short fun read that I enjoyed and it made for a pleasant change of pace to the usual stuff.
The story revolves around Psycho June Howard aka Armadillo Fists an underground bare knuckle boxer who has had her fists replaced with living armadillos so she can punch harder sort of the ultimate in brass knuckles.
The book is a chase story where June is on the run from a series of gangsters with odd names like Mr Food, Mr Slick, and Mr Corpse and in some cases even odder special abilities. They believe she killed their boss so are trying to capture and kill her. Luckily she has Mr Torso aka Mr Fast Awesome an ex dinosaur race driver (in this world everyone drives mechanical dinosaurs which is awesome I wish we did that here) who has no arms or legs.
The story jumps back and forth in time showing how June became Armadillo Fists and how she got into this mess and then the chase and it's conclusion. It's fast paced and with lots of action and weird but not outrageously so.
It was a short fun read that I enjoyed and it made for a pleasant change of pace to the usual stuff.
July 14, 2012
June, aka Armadillo Fists, is a former boxer, on the run from a group of gangsters for accidentally killing their boss...and yes, she has armadillos for hands. Tony, aka Mr. Fast Awesome, is her loyal companion as he tries to help her escape...and he is missing half of his arms and legs, leaving him with stumps. June and Tony must beat these gangsters one by one and try to stay alive in the process. Oh, and did I mention that everyone drives mechanical dinosaurs instead of cars?
This is Mellick's first book that was written in a non-linear format, and it most definitely works for this story. It helps with the pacing and builds the plot in a more suspenseful and thrilling way. All the characters are great, and the action is intense (full of lots and lots of blood and brain smashing with a bit of sexual deviancy thrown in). CM3 has written another fun, crazy, face-splitting jaunt of a story.
This is Mellick's first book that was written in a non-linear format, and it most definitely works for this story. It helps with the pacing and builds the plot in a more suspenseful and thrilling way. All the characters are great, and the action is intense (full of lots and lots of blood and brain smashing with a bit of sexual deviancy thrown in). CM3 has written another fun, crazy, face-splitting jaunt of a story.
December 22, 2016
Con questo Mellick mi scende un po', non solo la trama risulta interessante proprie per i salti temporali che per altro, visto che i personaggi non sono così interessanti, ma in più mi sembra molto voler richiamare palesemente pulp fiction per l'uso che ne ha fatto. Ma se questo è un sospetto e cosa passabile il plagio dell'organizzazione mi p sembrato fin troppo palese, chi legge manga o guarda l'animazione giapponese conoscerà Bleach, molto famoso nel Sollevante, bè l'idea dei dieci membri più tosti dell'organizzazione con il numero tatuato e ognuno con la sua particolare abilità, fino ad arrivare al numero dieci che è anche un altro numero sono decisamente presi pari pari al suddetto manga. Giunto alla fine sono rimasto un po' perplesso e non mi ha colpito più di tanto, comunque una lettura relativametne piacevole se vi piace la bizarro fiction.
March 28, 2012
ARMADILLO FISTS follows ex-boxer June as she flees from a bizarre set of Gangsters after their boss turns up dead. The characters in this book are phenomenal. Each gangster has their own strange personality with a vague name to match, such as Mr. Food or Mr. Corpse. I was always anxious to find about each one.
The story is told in a non-linear fashion, a la PULP FICTION, while filling in back stories on June and the Gangsters. All of the chapters are strung together very neatly and the non-linear form lends to some interesting plot twists you don't see coming.
Carlton Mellick always surprises me. This book is well thought out, entertaining and just plain awesome!
Highly recommended.
The story is told in a non-linear fashion, a la PULP FICTION, while filling in back stories on June and the Gangsters. All of the chapters are strung together very neatly and the non-linear form lends to some interesting plot twists you don't see coming.
Carlton Mellick always surprises me. This book is well thought out, entertaining and just plain awesome!
Highly recommended.
December 29, 2011
I have read quite a few of Carlton Mellick's books and this one may be my favorite. The story is laid out in a Tarantino-like non-linear way and focuses on June (a boxer with armadillos for fists) and the events leading up to and following the killing of her boss. The other characters are a strange mix of gangsters with a variety of murderous talents who are ranked from 1 to 10 in order of toughness and are hell bent on finding/killing her. This book is fast paced, full of action, and contains all the twisted bizarro goodness you'd expect from Mr. Mellick.
January 17, 2012
Oh CMI III, I adore you! How inconvenient (but adorable) would it be to surgically place armadillos on your wrists to replace your not-nearly-as-cute hands? These armadillos make Psycho June Howard a killing machine in the boxing ring, but once she punches a mob boss (at his request, mind you), things get crazy.
Mellick cuts up his timeline and introduces a new piece of the timeline with each chapter so the reader can construct the exposition like a puzzle as the story proceeds. This is a quick, fun read and will make you want your own robotic dinosaur to drive.
Mellick cuts up his timeline and introduces a new piece of the timeline with each chapter so the reader can construct the exposition like a puzzle as the story proceeds. This is a quick, fun read and will make you want your own robotic dinosaur to drive.
August 15, 2012
This is one of Mellick's best. It's scary how good this book is. Amazing characters, a plot full of insane twists, and robotic dinosaur-mobiles. Great bizarro, at least in this reader's clogged-up cortex, is telling a great story that seamlessly blends in THE WEIRD, which in this case is a beautiful boxer with armadillos for fists. If you're a fan of stylish gangster stories like Pulp Fiction, you'll like this even better.
September 16, 2013
Quite disturbing in some parts, insanely awesome (and awesomely insane) in others. Overall, a pretty good book.
May 21, 2014
Definitely one of Carlton's best books. I absolutely loved it! <3 Carlton Mellick III, you're amazing!
September 25, 2015
Why read it? Fuckin'. Dinosaur. Cars.
Displaying 1 - 26 of 26 reviews