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Get Married: What Women Can Do to Help it Happen
Is it okay to want to be married? Is there anything a woman who has never been married can do to make marriage more likely? Candice Watters gives women permission to want Christian marriage, encourages them to believe it's possible, and supplies the tools to get there despite our post-marriage culture. Get Married includes the author's personal journey from singleness to marriage as well as a biblical perspective on marriage. It shows how living intentionally is the key to marrying well. Get Married is a fresh and hopeful perspective that empowers single women to pray not only for their friends, parents, and churches, but the men who are (or could be) part of their lives.
208 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2008
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157 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 33 reviews
March 7, 2024
I have mixed thoughts about this one. Overall, lots of good advice but I don’t agree with the author on everything.
Big takeaways that I found helpful are that God designed most of us for marriage so spending the twenties figuring out if it’s His will for you to get married is not a great place to camp out. The author makes the point that unless you see yourself to be gifted in fully serving the Lord in an undistracted way without marriage, and unless marriage and family would inhibit your service to God, you are called to marriage. Marriage is something to be intentionally pursued just how we would plan or prepare for a career or certain education path.
The point was made that marriage can assist in devotion to the Lord due to helping avoiding idleness and sexual immortality — didn’t fully agree with this point since it’s fully possible to struggle with these same sins as a married person but I see what she is getting at there. Seeing marriage as not only a good thing but a thing God desires for most of us to have should cause us to live and pray intentionally. The author makes some very good points about living like marriage is plan A instead of letting plan B become plan A and about intentionally seeking out interdependence as a single so that you aren’t being trained in independence. The importance of being in biblical community as both a network and a way to grow and become ready to marry were also stressed. Also had great advice about avoiding situationships (not the term she used since this was written in 2008 🤣) and how women can encourage men to make moves that is so needed today.
I think it’s really important with this topic to avoid swinging the pendulum to one side or the other too strongly. I appreciate the ways that this book highlights the practical steps we can and should be taking to get married that is often missing from the typical Christian advice to wait on the Lord, to avoid making marriage an idol, to expect something to happen when you least expect it etc. But at the same time, He is sovereignly in control of all things and we still do not control our stories and must trust Him.
Big takeaways that I found helpful are that God designed most of us for marriage so spending the twenties figuring out if it’s His will for you to get married is not a great place to camp out. The author makes the point that unless you see yourself to be gifted in fully serving the Lord in an undistracted way without marriage, and unless marriage and family would inhibit your service to God, you are called to marriage. Marriage is something to be intentionally pursued just how we would plan or prepare for a career or certain education path.
The point was made that marriage can assist in devotion to the Lord due to helping avoiding idleness and sexual immortality — didn’t fully agree with this point since it’s fully possible to struggle with these same sins as a married person but I see what she is getting at there. Seeing marriage as not only a good thing but a thing God desires for most of us to have should cause us to live and pray intentionally. The author makes some very good points about living like marriage is plan A instead of letting plan B become plan A and about intentionally seeking out interdependence as a single so that you aren’t being trained in independence. The importance of being in biblical community as both a network and a way to grow and become ready to marry were also stressed. Also had great advice about avoiding situationships (not the term she used since this was written in 2008 🤣) and how women can encourage men to make moves that is so needed today.
I think it’s really important with this topic to avoid swinging the pendulum to one side or the other too strongly. I appreciate the ways that this book highlights the practical steps we can and should be taking to get married that is often missing from the typical Christian advice to wait on the Lord, to avoid making marriage an idol, to expect something to happen when you least expect it etc. But at the same time, He is sovereignly in control of all things and we still do not control our stories and must trust Him.
Read
March 17, 2020According to this book, I’ve “wasted my most marriageable years.” That condescending tone makes it a little hard to take any of this advice seriously. Also, I’m still not certain what the advice is.
This book alternates between telling me that marriage is a good thing that I should strive to achieve at all costs, and reminding me of the importance of marrying well. Am I the only one who considers that to be mixed signals?
Herein lies my problem: I am getting married this year to an amazing man who makes it easy to say yes to forever. I am marrying him because I delayed marriage. Because I refused to chase after relationships with men whom I could have easily settled for. Men I could have married five years ago, thus not wasting my “most fertile years.”
I could have fit myself into the role of marriage and motherhood with a dozen different men. I could have been happy with any of them, probably. But now... with Levi... I can confidently say I will be better off than I ever imagined I could be with any of those other potential husbands. Because while there may be things I have to sacrifice for the good of our marriage, I finally feel like I don’t have to sacrifice my whole self.
William Booth once said, “Do not allow anyone to instill in your daughters the idea that marriage is the chief end of life and, if you do, do not be surprised when they get engaged to the first useless, empty headed fool they come across.”
Is marriage a worthy thing? An admirable thing? A holy thing? Yes. But is marriage the best thing? Not at the expense of your hopes and dreams and goals for your life. If the man is not going the same direction you’re going, let him pass you by. Chase after what makes you come alive and never settle for a mediocre marriage.
This book alternates between telling me that marriage is a good thing that I should strive to achieve at all costs, and reminding me of the importance of marrying well. Am I the only one who considers that to be mixed signals?
Herein lies my problem: I am getting married this year to an amazing man who makes it easy to say yes to forever. I am marrying him because I delayed marriage. Because I refused to chase after relationships with men whom I could have easily settled for. Men I could have married five years ago, thus not wasting my “most fertile years.”
I could have fit myself into the role of marriage and motherhood with a dozen different men. I could have been happy with any of them, probably. But now... with Levi... I can confidently say I will be better off than I ever imagined I could be with any of those other potential husbands. Because while there may be things I have to sacrifice for the good of our marriage, I finally feel like I don’t have to sacrifice my whole self.
William Booth once said, “Do not allow anyone to instill in your daughters the idea that marriage is the chief end of life and, if you do, do not be surprised when they get engaged to the first useless, empty headed fool they come across.”
Is marriage a worthy thing? An admirable thing? A holy thing? Yes. But is marriage the best thing? Not at the expense of your hopes and dreams and goals for your life. If the man is not going the same direction you’re going, let him pass you by. Chase after what makes you come alive and never settle for a mediocre marriage.
May 3, 2019
Marriage is a good gift from God. It's ok to desire it and pray for it and prepare for it just as you would for your education or career. Lots of great advice including a Q&A at the end.
2019 - A book targeted at your gender
2019 - A book targeted at your gender
April 9, 2019
Candice had a refreshing view on singleness and marriage. Directed at women, she made marriage look attainable and made it clear that it was good and right to desire and pray earnestly for a husband. I enjoyed her writing style and stories that she shared. This will be a book I reference back to often.
June 16, 2011
This is not another book on the topic of "just be content in your singleness and patiently wait for God to bring you a husband". Candice Watters explains that there are things you should be doing now if you desire marriage, and it is God's will for most people to be married. This book was very refreshing to read. The "Pray Boldly" chapter really touched me.
March 5, 2023
This book transformed a lot of preconceived ideas I didn't even know I had on dating and marriage all with Biblical basis. I quickly became hooked because it contained truth I'd never heard before and was easy to read. As a single girl, it encouraged me in my desire for marriage rather than making it seem like I needed to find total commitment in singleness. This book helped me realize more than ever that marriage is in fact God's design, a God given desire that we can't make diminish by reading our Bibles more and that I can confidently - not shamefully - be praying for it. Perhaps it's the fact it was the first book I've read on the topic but I have nothing but good things to say about this book.
February 7, 2025
There is much that I found useful in this book, but much that I struggled to apply.
December 16, 2024
[Technically zero stars but GoodReads requires a star rating, so I awarded it one star under duress.]
First, a disclaimer:
1. This is a very long review because there is a lot I wanted to cover so as to present a fair picture of this book's arguments and issues.
2. All opinions are my own, and I acknowledge that opinions are subjective.
3. Don't take my comments to mean I disliked this book for its religious views; and
4. I bring up Watters' name a lot but it's not in a spirit of disrespect - I'm simply attributing her statements to herself as she was the source of them.
So with that out of the way, on with the review!
Get Married ultimately caused me to have more distaste than love towards it as what it advocates both disturbs and angers me. Initially, Watters' thesis is to live like you're going to marry, starting with a Biblical view of marriage, dismissing cliches that erroneously elevate singleness to a higher spiritual state, and encouraging women to live a God-honoring life (granted most of this is not new information). She also points out that some Christian women think they can live any way they want and still expect God to bless them, which is untrue and I concur. Lastly, she indicates that our feminist society has neutered the desire for marriage in many women so a desire for a husband is seen as a mark of weakness, and with this I also agree. Thus, early on, she's fairly on-point with her discussion and observations.
However, what this book eventually advocates is a form of legalism where getting married is all about you and what you do and who you know, and God consumes a fraction of that equation. For starters, Watters is clearly writing for twenty-something women as she makes less-than-flattering remarks towards single ladies in their 30s and beyond. Hence, her thinly-veiled opinion is that women need to marry before age 30 or their chances go nearly kaput. But her claim fails to note that women marry at all ages. Marrying and having children while you're in your 20s doesn't guarantee a long-lasting, God-honoring marriage and/or healthy children. (In fact, research has proven the opposite as one article in the Los Angeles Times observed, "The older couples are when they get married, the more mature and financially secure they are, two factors that translate into a lower risk of divorce" [1].)
Watters states if you're unmarried by age 28, "learning patience should not be your goal," which fails to recognize that sometimes it just takes longer for couples to meet. Her belief, then, is that if you're exiting your 30s and are still unmarried, then: (a). you have been too focused on a career and/or your education, (b). you must have sinned, or (c). you haven't exhausted all of your resources to be around marriageable men.
So let's break down Watters' claims.
First, I doubt being career or education-minded would cause a woman to forever lose the chance of getting married. There is simply no proof, solid paradigms, or logical reasoning to support this. Perhaps a woman wishes to establish a resume for herself or build up her bank account before she feels comfortable getting married. Perhaps she wants to finish her education rather than juggle completing a degree with raising a family. Personally, I think those are wise choices but Watters doesn't entirely embrace them as such.
Second, I agree that God will not honor us living in sin; however, He is capable of forgiving and forgetting our transgressions and encourages us to "go and sin no more." While this isn't an excuse to live in a way that deliberately goes against God's Word, it doesn't eternally doom us if we seek His forgiveness and His help to change. Similarly, we can make bad choices that aren't sins but are less than wise. Can this put our chances of getting married in a bind? Perhaps, but it comes down to the individual, so it's unfair to make general assumptions like what Watters does here. Personally, I don't believe there is a mistake so big that God cannot redeem a life, which is what the Bible shows time and again, but Watters seems to dismiss this concept when it comes to one's chances for marriage.
Third, Watters believes getting married is all up to you; therefore, if you're single by age 30 or beyond, you must not have tried hard enough. But what constitutes as "enough" and how do you know when you've done "enough"? What if you've done "enough" and are still single? Should a woman constantly be moving, changing jobs and churches, registering for online dating sites, globetrotting, and filling up her social calendar? Does that constitute as "enough"? Or what if you do "enough," meet someone, get married, but later divorce? In retrospect, had you not done "enough"? Seeing as Watters never defines where that line of "enough" begins and ends, it's a hazy concept and open to interpretation by default.
But my biggest question is this - where is God in all of this? And this is where Watter's legalism kicks in: we must be "intentional" in our search for marriage and do everything we can to meet someone. To me, this doesn't sound like a joyful search but a torturous quest. Granted, I think most married couples would say the path to marriage was riddled with heartache, disappointment, and frustration, yet the end result was worth the wait, however long it took. What Watters is teaching, though, is that getting married is entirely in our hands and God is a disinterested bystander. But I disagree. Do singles need to venture from their homes once in a while? Yes, yet bloating your social calendar or perpetually globe-trekking is of no real help other than it will wear you down and/or speed up the onset of defeatism that Watters subtly offers to older singles as an odd means of encouragement.
Any happily married couples I know didn't meet after a long, arduous search like that Watters proposes. They met in unexpected, unassuming ways - they didn't travel the world, move to a new city every few years, or go on countless dates with strangers they met online. Yet other folks I've known have tried everything Watters suggests yet remain single. Watters at times likens the search for a spouse to a search for a job; so, in her view, just as you would exhaust all your resources into landing a job, you must do the same to land a spouse. But that's a faulty comparison as, other than the two things being "searches," they share nothing else in common.
As far as why some Christian ladies struggle to meet men, Watters correctly recognizes that some women behave carelessly, intentionally live in sin, or are around toxic people. But what about women who aren't doing these things? Watters doesn't offer much advice to that effect as there is always an undercurrent that your relationship status is somehow your fault. Case in point: she states that claiming the men at your church are not "marriage material" might mean you're too picky. Though she fails to acknowledge that some churchgoing single men are "pew pimps," poor stewards, or just lazy and immature and not ready for marriage now or ever. She almost entirely ignores these issues and, instead, pins blame upon women for being blind to the men around them rather than acknowledge that there can be a poor quality of men - regardless of quantity - in a body of believers.
(Oddly enough, Watters often negates her own advice. On Boundless.org, which Watters founded, she once answered a woman who asked, "Should I change churches for the sake of meeting more singles?" by encouraging her to stay at her current church, claiming God's arm isn't too short to bring her a spouse [2]. Yet Watters' advice in her book is quite the opposite.)
What Watters fails to mention is that delayed marriage isn't always the result of personal choices, sin, or a failure to "get out there." Ironically, the point of her book is to encourage women to marry well. Yet her implied notion is to marry well while you're in your 20s and older singles need to hurry up to "make it happen" before it's "too late." Thus, her thesis is that women should not rush to be wed but need to wed "soon" before they lose their physical attractiveness and/or fertility. Yet logic and common sense dictate that rushing into things is the quickest way to ensure they don't last.
If I could sum up her views, it would be this: if you're 18 to 27 years old, don't rush into things. Pray, follow God, "get out there," marry well, and have children. But if you're 28 or older, forget this waiting on God business: you need to do as much as you can - change jobs, change churches, date online, move, travel, mingle, and hurry up(!) - but still try to marry well.
In continuation with this issue, here is an example of some of the book's "proof" for marrying young: "God designed us to marry and start having children in our 20s. Our biology, fertility, sexuality, energy and beauty all reinforce that fact." Yet Watters never provides specific references (from the Bible, scientific and/or sociological research, case studies, etc.) to support this rather grand claim. Granted, there is a verse in Proverbs about enjoying the wife of one's "youth" but this is a relative statement as no specific age is given as an example of what the writer meant by the word "youth." Rarely does the Bible focus on the specific age of a couple. (Abraham and Sarah are the only exception I can immediately think of along with the Genesis genealogies. Interestingly enough, in the Genesis 11 genealogy, the youngest age listed for one of the fathers is 29.)
Collectively, Watters' logic is unsound because she incorporates generic observations as "facts" rather than concrete proofs to support her arguments. For starters, everyone is different. Biology and energy levels are different. Young couples are not immune to having conception or sexual problems, and dismissing the 30s as all but useless for starting a family is disrespectful. Lastly, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so who says the 20s are the high point of physical attraction? Not me and probably not other people, I'd venture to guess.
Watters similarly misses the mark when it comes to failing to address other topics that come into play regarding a person's marriageability. What about emotional, mental, and spiritual maturity? Do those things culminate in the 20s? What about economic stability? Can a 22-year-old man fresh out of college and without a stable job reasonably be able to support a family better than a 32-year-old or a 42-year-old man who has been working for a decade or longer? These are critical questions, yet Watters disregards them in favor of external/physical reasons why she thinks people should wed young. Granted, she shows no tolerance for lazy, indecisive, immature men, and rightfully so; but her primary concerns seem more wrapped up in external "youth" rather than inner maturity.
Another area of concern for me was Watters' focus on women finding a spiritual mentor. In my opinion, a woman's "life coach" should, first and foremost, be a female family member. Granted, not all women have their families intact and some don't come from Christian homes or have strong family ties; hence, those women need to carefully and prayerfully seek godly female friends. Yet Watters pushes for establishing close ties with an older woman chiefly to try to meet men (she calls this "networking"). Rather than focus on the quality of people you're around, Watters pushes for quantity (provided this quantity is comprised of quality people though).
In my opinion, this whole "life coach" idea, which is in vogue with Christian self-help literature at the moment, should be traversed carefully and cautiously. As someone who was once friends with a person 15 years older than me*, I can speak from experience that close relationships with people older than you (who are not family) can become imbalanced as the relationship may turn into a parent-child dynamic or controlling/manipulative. I'm not talking about being around persons older than you in a group setting as the Bible encourages sharing wisdom and respecting your elders, but it never urges you to pal around one-on-one with someone who is 20+ years older than you.
There is a two-fold danger here that Watters doesn't address. First, anyone you let into your innermost circle must be a mature, responsible, godly person lest you fall prey to a bad influence. Watters discusses this but not thoroughly enough in my opinion. Rather than stress that single ladies need their family as their primary moral supporters, Watters asserts every woman must land herself an older female mentor who can teach her about life and introduce her to men lest the younger woman miss her chance to get married (as if having a mentor is the the only means by which to meet eligible men). Second, these sorts of relationships can turn sour if the younger woman is emotionally blackmailed, mentally abused, or introduced to questionable lifestyles thanks to the older "mentor" leading the younger woman astray. Watters would have done well to warn of this. Instead, her belief is more along the lines of, "You don't have a mentor? Well, go get one!" It's as simple as picking fruit from a tree (but didn't Adam and Eve do that and it didn't bode so well?).
Another sticking point for me was Watters' remarks about outer beauty (including her assumptions about how the 20s are the culmination of attractiveness). I agree with her that women need to care for their bodies in ways that honor God and to avoid obsessive eating or exercise habits. But she states that part of staying attractive means not being "overweight," a term she never defines but tends to associate (intentionally or not) with slovenliness as she emphasizes maintaining a thin, athletic build. Furthermore, her language was off-putting, asserting that some men like a "rounder, more hugable woman." But what did she mean by that?
Was it this?
Or more like "Baby Got Back?"
In either case, the language needed to be revised as it seemed to contradict Watters' previous usage of being "overweight" as unattractive and a sign of laziness. Granted, she concludes by saying men have a wide range of what they consider attractive, which is true, but her choice of words, as well as her logic, could have been vastly improved. Similarly, while not discussed in this book but perpetuated in some of her articles (none of which, unfortunately, I was able to pinpoint), Watters places slight emphasis on physical attractiveness, implying some people simply aren't born "attractive" or have physical/birth defects that prevent them from being "attractive," and such persons will struggle more so than people who are born "attractive," even to the point of facing unwanted lifelong singleness. Again, this is a terrible philosophy to tout and possesses nothing Biblical at its core.
I also thought the chapter on prayer was far too brief. In fact, a major component missing from her overall discussion is trusting God. That was my ultimate issue with this book. So much of the focus is on a legalistic approach where you do 100% of the work (hence the subtitle What Women Can Do to Help it Happen, I suppose). So when you stand at the altar, you can claim in the sight of God and others how you worked so hard and exhausted all of your options to land a husband, how you met your husband through your means, how you orchestrated your circumstances, and how you made all of this possible - but remember to thank God because, you know, you're supposed to (cue "Oh Lord, it's Hard to Be Humble When You're as Great as Me").
This isn't a labor of love but a labor for love, and such an approach lacks a focus on God's role, relegating Him to the backseat of our love lives. Watters drops a ton of Bible verses but uses them to support her points rather than the other way around. For instance, one chapter examines the book of Ruth, but rather than analyze the actual Biblical text, Watters prooftexts it, using it to fit her ideas of how women need to show more aggression in landing a husband. The segments on prayer and trusting God are sparse at best and should have served as the book's core as opposed to being given a barely-there chapter just because.
Thus, what Watters offers is a legalistic approach where the end result of marriage rests entirely on our shoulders, our past and present circumstances cement our fate, our age is our enemy, and God is a mildly interested bystander whose sovereignty the reader is left to question. Granted, she never openly says any of these things, but that's the book's undercurrent and it's the most discouraging and damaging message she sells.
Overall, when you break it down, Get Married is yet another product of the Christian self-help market as it has its share of Bible, prayer, and Jesus references so it moves copies. While Watters' advice to women in their 20s is full of hope and encouragement, her advice to women in their 30s and beyond is more along the lines of "encouraging" you to grit your teeth and accept a state of unwanted lifelong singleness. That's not helpful; instead, it's discouraging, dismissive, and disrespectful.
As I've read recently, "there are two kinds of books being marketed to Christians. There are some whose foundational message is what you need to do and others whose foundational message is what Christ has already done. The first make a model out of the author, the second make a model out of Jesus. The first place the burden for change on personal power while the second place the burden for change on Christ’s power" [3]. Watters' book undoubtedly falls into the first category as it's core message is about what women can do to make marriage "happen" in their own way and on their own timetable and, as such, presents Watters' personal story as the be all-end all paradigm.
In closing, I want to add that Candice Watters' story is exactly that - her story. She married before age 30, so naturally she assumes that should be the norm. But her story doesn't dictate everyone else's life. Thus, this book isn't a road map of how your personal love story will unfold - it's a pitfall that will only condemn you for not doing "enough."
Okay book rant/review over!
Notes:
1. https://tinyurl.com/39zav97r
2. https://tinyurl.com/3pedup24
3. https://tinyurl.com/nrpk5z7w
First, a disclaimer:
1. This is a very long review because there is a lot I wanted to cover so as to present a fair picture of this book's arguments and issues.
2. All opinions are my own, and I acknowledge that opinions are subjective.
3. Don't take my comments to mean I disliked this book for its religious views; and
4. I bring up Watters' name a lot but it's not in a spirit of disrespect - I'm simply attributing her statements to herself as she was the source of them.
So with that out of the way, on with the review!
Get Married ultimately caused me to have more distaste than love towards it as what it advocates both disturbs and angers me. Initially, Watters' thesis is to live like you're going to marry, starting with a Biblical view of marriage, dismissing cliches that erroneously elevate singleness to a higher spiritual state, and encouraging women to live a God-honoring life (granted most of this is not new information). She also points out that some Christian women think they can live any way they want and still expect God to bless them, which is untrue and I concur. Lastly, she indicates that our feminist society has neutered the desire for marriage in many women so a desire for a husband is seen as a mark of weakness, and with this I also agree. Thus, early on, she's fairly on-point with her discussion and observations.
However, what this book eventually advocates is a form of legalism where getting married is all about you and what you do and who you know, and God consumes a fraction of that equation. For starters, Watters is clearly writing for twenty-something women as she makes less-than-flattering remarks towards single ladies in their 30s and beyond. Hence, her thinly-veiled opinion is that women need to marry before age 30 or their chances go nearly kaput. But her claim fails to note that women marry at all ages. Marrying and having children while you're in your 20s doesn't guarantee a long-lasting, God-honoring marriage and/or healthy children. (In fact, research has proven the opposite as one article in the Los Angeles Times observed, "The older couples are when they get married, the more mature and financially secure they are, two factors that translate into a lower risk of divorce" [1].)
Watters states if you're unmarried by age 28, "learning patience should not be your goal," which fails to recognize that sometimes it just takes longer for couples to meet. Her belief, then, is that if you're exiting your 30s and are still unmarried, then: (a). you have been too focused on a career and/or your education, (b). you must have sinned, or (c). you haven't exhausted all of your resources to be around marriageable men.
So let's break down Watters' claims.
First, I doubt being career or education-minded would cause a woman to forever lose the chance of getting married. There is simply no proof, solid paradigms, or logical reasoning to support this. Perhaps a woman wishes to establish a resume for herself or build up her bank account before she feels comfortable getting married. Perhaps she wants to finish her education rather than juggle completing a degree with raising a family. Personally, I think those are wise choices but Watters doesn't entirely embrace them as such.
Second, I agree that God will not honor us living in sin; however, He is capable of forgiving and forgetting our transgressions and encourages us to "go and sin no more." While this isn't an excuse to live in a way that deliberately goes against God's Word, it doesn't eternally doom us if we seek His forgiveness and His help to change. Similarly, we can make bad choices that aren't sins but are less than wise. Can this put our chances of getting married in a bind? Perhaps, but it comes down to the individual, so it's unfair to make general assumptions like what Watters does here. Personally, I don't believe there is a mistake so big that God cannot redeem a life, which is what the Bible shows time and again, but Watters seems to dismiss this concept when it comes to one's chances for marriage.
Third, Watters believes getting married is all up to you; therefore, if you're single by age 30 or beyond, you must not have tried hard enough. But what constitutes as "enough" and how do you know when you've done "enough"? What if you've done "enough" and are still single? Should a woman constantly be moving, changing jobs and churches, registering for online dating sites, globetrotting, and filling up her social calendar? Does that constitute as "enough"? Or what if you do "enough," meet someone, get married, but later divorce? In retrospect, had you not done "enough"? Seeing as Watters never defines where that line of "enough" begins and ends, it's a hazy concept and open to interpretation by default.
But my biggest question is this - where is God in all of this? And this is where Watter's legalism kicks in: we must be "intentional" in our search for marriage and do everything we can to meet someone. To me, this doesn't sound like a joyful search but a torturous quest. Granted, I think most married couples would say the path to marriage was riddled with heartache, disappointment, and frustration, yet the end result was worth the wait, however long it took. What Watters is teaching, though, is that getting married is entirely in our hands and God is a disinterested bystander. But I disagree. Do singles need to venture from their homes once in a while? Yes, yet bloating your social calendar or perpetually globe-trekking is of no real help other than it will wear you down and/or speed up the onset of defeatism that Watters subtly offers to older singles as an odd means of encouragement.
Any happily married couples I know didn't meet after a long, arduous search like that Watters proposes. They met in unexpected, unassuming ways - they didn't travel the world, move to a new city every few years, or go on countless dates with strangers they met online. Yet other folks I've known have tried everything Watters suggests yet remain single. Watters at times likens the search for a spouse to a search for a job; so, in her view, just as you would exhaust all your resources into landing a job, you must do the same to land a spouse. But that's a faulty comparison as, other than the two things being "searches," they share nothing else in common.
As far as why some Christian ladies struggle to meet men, Watters correctly recognizes that some women behave carelessly, intentionally live in sin, or are around toxic people. But what about women who aren't doing these things? Watters doesn't offer much advice to that effect as there is always an undercurrent that your relationship status is somehow your fault. Case in point: she states that claiming the men at your church are not "marriage material" might mean you're too picky. Though she fails to acknowledge that some churchgoing single men are "pew pimps," poor stewards, or just lazy and immature and not ready for marriage now or ever. She almost entirely ignores these issues and, instead, pins blame upon women for being blind to the men around them rather than acknowledge that there can be a poor quality of men - regardless of quantity - in a body of believers.
(Oddly enough, Watters often negates her own advice. On Boundless.org, which Watters founded, she once answered a woman who asked, "Should I change churches for the sake of meeting more singles?" by encouraging her to stay at her current church, claiming God's arm isn't too short to bring her a spouse [2]. Yet Watters' advice in her book is quite the opposite.)
What Watters fails to mention is that delayed marriage isn't always the result of personal choices, sin, or a failure to "get out there." Ironically, the point of her book is to encourage women to marry well. Yet her implied notion is to marry well while you're in your 20s and older singles need to hurry up to "make it happen" before it's "too late." Thus, her thesis is that women should not rush to be wed but need to wed "soon" before they lose their physical attractiveness and/or fertility. Yet logic and common sense dictate that rushing into things is the quickest way to ensure they don't last.
If I could sum up her views, it would be this: if you're 18 to 27 years old, don't rush into things. Pray, follow God, "get out there," marry well, and have children. But if you're 28 or older, forget this waiting on God business: you need to do as much as you can - change jobs, change churches, date online, move, travel, mingle, and hurry up(!) - but still try to marry well.
In continuation with this issue, here is an example of some of the book's "proof" for marrying young: "God designed us to marry and start having children in our 20s. Our biology, fertility, sexuality, energy and beauty all reinforce that fact." Yet Watters never provides specific references (from the Bible, scientific and/or sociological research, case studies, etc.) to support this rather grand claim. Granted, there is a verse in Proverbs about enjoying the wife of one's "youth" but this is a relative statement as no specific age is given as an example of what the writer meant by the word "youth." Rarely does the Bible focus on the specific age of a couple. (Abraham and Sarah are the only exception I can immediately think of along with the Genesis genealogies. Interestingly enough, in the Genesis 11 genealogy, the youngest age listed for one of the fathers is 29.)
Collectively, Watters' logic is unsound because she incorporates generic observations as "facts" rather than concrete proofs to support her arguments. For starters, everyone is different. Biology and energy levels are different. Young couples are not immune to having conception or sexual problems, and dismissing the 30s as all but useless for starting a family is disrespectful. Lastly, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so who says the 20s are the high point of physical attraction? Not me and probably not other people, I'd venture to guess.
Watters similarly misses the mark when it comes to failing to address other topics that come into play regarding a person's marriageability. What about emotional, mental, and spiritual maturity? Do those things culminate in the 20s? What about economic stability? Can a 22-year-old man fresh out of college and without a stable job reasonably be able to support a family better than a 32-year-old or a 42-year-old man who has been working for a decade or longer? These are critical questions, yet Watters disregards them in favor of external/physical reasons why she thinks people should wed young. Granted, she shows no tolerance for lazy, indecisive, immature men, and rightfully so; but her primary concerns seem more wrapped up in external "youth" rather than inner maturity.
Another area of concern for me was Watters' focus on women finding a spiritual mentor. In my opinion, a woman's "life coach" should, first and foremost, be a female family member. Granted, not all women have their families intact and some don't come from Christian homes or have strong family ties; hence, those women need to carefully and prayerfully seek godly female friends. Yet Watters pushes for establishing close ties with an older woman chiefly to try to meet men (she calls this "networking"). Rather than focus on the quality of people you're around, Watters pushes for quantity (provided this quantity is comprised of quality people though).
In my opinion, this whole "life coach" idea, which is in vogue with Christian self-help literature at the moment, should be traversed carefully and cautiously. As someone who was once friends with a person 15 years older than me*, I can speak from experience that close relationships with people older than you (who are not family) can become imbalanced as the relationship may turn into a parent-child dynamic or controlling/manipulative. I'm not talking about being around persons older than you in a group setting as the Bible encourages sharing wisdom and respecting your elders, but it never urges you to pal around one-on-one with someone who is 20+ years older than you.
There is a two-fold danger here that Watters doesn't address. First, anyone you let into your innermost circle must be a mature, responsible, godly person lest you fall prey to a bad influence. Watters discusses this but not thoroughly enough in my opinion. Rather than stress that single ladies need their family as their primary moral supporters, Watters asserts every woman must land herself an older female mentor who can teach her about life and introduce her to men lest the younger woman miss her chance to get married (as if having a mentor is the the only means by which to meet eligible men). Second, these sorts of relationships can turn sour if the younger woman is emotionally blackmailed, mentally abused, or introduced to questionable lifestyles thanks to the older "mentor" leading the younger woman astray. Watters would have done well to warn of this. Instead, her belief is more along the lines of, "You don't have a mentor? Well, go get one!" It's as simple as picking fruit from a tree (but didn't Adam and Eve do that and it didn't bode so well?).
Another sticking point for me was Watters' remarks about outer beauty (including her assumptions about how the 20s are the culmination of attractiveness). I agree with her that women need to care for their bodies in ways that honor God and to avoid obsessive eating or exercise habits. But she states that part of staying attractive means not being "overweight," a term she never defines but tends to associate (intentionally or not) with slovenliness as she emphasizes maintaining a thin, athletic build. Furthermore, her language was off-putting, asserting that some men like a "rounder, more hugable woman." But what did she mean by that?
Was it this?
Or more like "Baby Got Back?"
In either case, the language needed to be revised as it seemed to contradict Watters' previous usage of being "overweight" as unattractive and a sign of laziness. Granted, she concludes by saying men have a wide range of what they consider attractive, which is true, but her choice of words, as well as her logic, could have been vastly improved. Similarly, while not discussed in this book but perpetuated in some of her articles (none of which, unfortunately, I was able to pinpoint), Watters places slight emphasis on physical attractiveness, implying some people simply aren't born "attractive" or have physical/birth defects that prevent them from being "attractive," and such persons will struggle more so than people who are born "attractive," even to the point of facing unwanted lifelong singleness. Again, this is a terrible philosophy to tout and possesses nothing Biblical at its core.
I also thought the chapter on prayer was far too brief. In fact, a major component missing from her overall discussion is trusting God. That was my ultimate issue with this book. So much of the focus is on a legalistic approach where you do 100% of the work (hence the subtitle What Women Can Do to Help it Happen, I suppose). So when you stand at the altar, you can claim in the sight of God and others how you worked so hard and exhausted all of your options to land a husband, how you met your husband through your means, how you orchestrated your circumstances, and how you made all of this possible - but remember to thank God because, you know, you're supposed to (cue "Oh Lord, it's Hard to Be Humble When You're as Great as Me").
This isn't a labor of love but a labor for love, and such an approach lacks a focus on God's role, relegating Him to the backseat of our love lives. Watters drops a ton of Bible verses but uses them to support her points rather than the other way around. For instance, one chapter examines the book of Ruth, but rather than analyze the actual Biblical text, Watters prooftexts it, using it to fit her ideas of how women need to show more aggression in landing a husband. The segments on prayer and trusting God are sparse at best and should have served as the book's core as opposed to being given a barely-there chapter just because.
Thus, what Watters offers is a legalistic approach where the end result of marriage rests entirely on our shoulders, our past and present circumstances cement our fate, our age is our enemy, and God is a mildly interested bystander whose sovereignty the reader is left to question. Granted, she never openly says any of these things, but that's the book's undercurrent and it's the most discouraging and damaging message she sells.
Overall, when you break it down, Get Married is yet another product of the Christian self-help market as it has its share of Bible, prayer, and Jesus references so it moves copies. While Watters' advice to women in their 20s is full of hope and encouragement, her advice to women in their 30s and beyond is more along the lines of "encouraging" you to grit your teeth and accept a state of unwanted lifelong singleness. That's not helpful; instead, it's discouraging, dismissive, and disrespectful.
As I've read recently, "there are two kinds of books being marketed to Christians. There are some whose foundational message is what you need to do and others whose foundational message is what Christ has already done. The first make a model out of the author, the second make a model out of Jesus. The first place the burden for change on personal power while the second place the burden for change on Christ’s power" [3]. Watters' book undoubtedly falls into the first category as it's core message is about what women can do to make marriage "happen" in their own way and on their own timetable and, as such, presents Watters' personal story as the be all-end all paradigm.
In closing, I want to add that Candice Watters' story is exactly that - her story. She married before age 30, so naturally she assumes that should be the norm. But her story doesn't dictate everyone else's life. Thus, this book isn't a road map of how your personal love story will unfold - it's a pitfall that will only condemn you for not doing "enough."
Okay book rant/review over!
Notes:
1. https://tinyurl.com/39zav97r
2. https://tinyurl.com/3pedup24
3. https://tinyurl.com/nrpk5z7w
February 2, 2023
This book aimed at conservative Christian women claims to help women prepare for marriage and work towards finding a spouse.
However, this does not really go into the direction of empowering young women to figure out what they want, being more active and able to voice their own opinion in relationships.
No. This book is about getting married, because getting married (young) should be the norm for adults. The author thinks that marriage is a normal part of growing up and therefore it is your responsibility to make it happen. The benefits of marriage are also somewhat ... limited in her perspective. Because in this book, marriage is mostly about sex, babies and relationship.
One important advice to women is to not give too much physically before the wedding because that will remove the incentive for men to get married. Thus, we can conclude men marry for sex only. To help young women stay pure, the author recommends they live with their parents before marriage, as women are supposed to either live with family or their husbands, not alone. Parents can also enforce curfews and should be involved more in their children's relationships.
It's also not bad to use matchmakers and if your church doesn't have any eligible bachelors, that's not an issue! Just befriend the older ladies who might have godly sons or grandsons they can introduce you to.
And that was basically it. Women are allowed to confront a man about his intentions though if he takes too long just casually getting to know you.
I didn't like this book and I also think women who are involuntarily single will not find it comforting. Basically, if you failed getting married young, you've done things wrong.
However, this does not really go into the direction of empowering young women to figure out what they want, being more active and able to voice their own opinion in relationships.
No. This book is about getting married, because getting married (young) should be the norm for adults. The author thinks that marriage is a normal part of growing up and therefore it is your responsibility to make it happen. The benefits of marriage are also somewhat ... limited in her perspective. Because in this book, marriage is mostly about sex, babies and relationship.
One important advice to women is to not give too much physically before the wedding because that will remove the incentive for men to get married. Thus, we can conclude men marry for sex only. To help young women stay pure, the author recommends they live with their parents before marriage, as women are supposed to either live with family or their husbands, not alone. Parents can also enforce curfews and should be involved more in their children's relationships.
It's also not bad to use matchmakers and if your church doesn't have any eligible bachelors, that's not an issue! Just befriend the older ladies who might have godly sons or grandsons they can introduce you to.
And that was basically it. Women are allowed to confront a man about his intentions though if he takes too long just casually getting to know you.
I didn't like this book and I also think women who are involuntarily single will not find it comforting. Basically, if you failed getting married young, you've done things wrong.
April 22, 2008
Not too provoking.
June 21, 2010
Some good points, but not sure I buy all of what she's selling. It's easy for the intentional to become manipulative and the purposeful obsessive. Worth reading, though.
December 7, 2019
Interesting, thought-provoking.
March 12, 2023
It was a pleasant read, at least most of the parts. Agree with most of the principals… but not sure about some things. :)
February 28, 2023
While an informative read, it told me (and presumably most single readers) what we already knew. This book is not comforting for the "romantic late bloomers", the women who just got out of a relationship and don't know how to proceed, and the women who find themselves in unfortunate circumstances. It wasn't awful, but can't say that I enjoyed this book either.
February 17, 2011
Most single girls that I know deeply desire marriage – and many feel “stuck” in a prolonged season of singleness. We often lament, “Where are the men? It’s not like there’s anything I can do about my single state. After all, I’m a woman, and the men are supposed to initiate, right?” What’s a girl to do? Enter Candice Watters’ outstanding new book Get Married: What Women Can Do To Help It Happen. As the founder, former editor, and advice columnist for Boundless webzine, Candice understands the issues single women face. She writes with warmth and encouragement, taking a no-nonsense approach to a woman’s place and responsibility in pursuing marriage. To quote from the back cover: “Marriage. It’s good and natural to want—and it’s something most of us are called to. But if that’s true, why are so many women single beyond their expectations? And what, if anything, can they do about it? Plenty! . . . You can be content with where you are today and still desire marriage in a way that honors God. And there are things you can do to help it happen.”
Sound good? It is! No more self-pitying refrains of “. . . but there’s nothing I can do.” This book will give you fresh hope and encouragement, no matter how long you’ve been single. And you’ll find plenty of Scripture to help deepen your understanding about relationships.
Please note: This is not a feminist, “girl-power” book. “[It] isn’t a book about desperation or the hyperactivity of joining every dating service and singles group. You won’t find a list of a hundred tips for meeting a hot man or five things you can do today to help you get married tomorrow.” If that’s what you want, keep looking. But if you want to examine your mindset, understand more about God’s plan and reason for marriage, and learn to live like you’re planning (not just hoping) to marry, this is the book for you.
Sound good? It is! No more self-pitying refrains of “. . . but there’s nothing I can do.” This book will give you fresh hope and encouragement, no matter how long you’ve been single. And you’ll find plenty of Scripture to help deepen your understanding about relationships.
Please note: This is not a feminist, “girl-power” book. “[It] isn’t a book about desperation or the hyperactivity of joining every dating service and singles group. You won’t find a list of a hundred tips for meeting a hot man or five things you can do today to help you get married tomorrow.” If that’s what you want, keep looking. But if you want to examine your mindset, understand more about God’s plan and reason for marriage, and learn to live like you’re planning (not just hoping) to marry, this is the book for you.
September 9, 2008
I actually need to read this one again. I read it so fast today,I don't really remember what all it said.
But basically, this book is against all the "sit, wait, and hope God will drop a husband in your lap" mindset most of us sheltered, non-dating type girls have come to accept. Candice Watters argues that there is, indeed, something we can, and should, be doing to help. And from a Biblical standpoint, too! hooray!
Mrs. Watters encourages young women to not be ashamed of the desire to get married. The Bible teaches it is a holy, honorable, and worthwhile pursuit, created for God's glory, as a picture of Christ and his bride, and intended to bring individuals together for the furtherance of God's kindgdom.
And then there's the point about how it really is God's plan for most people to get married, so girls need to quit wasting the best part of their lives sitting there saying "if, if, if." If you want to get married, you obviously WEREN'T called to be single, so have a little faith, and "Live Like You're Planning to Marry." (the name of one of the chapters
There's also a nice chapter called "Men Aren't Jerks, They're Fallen (Like You)", which I appreciated as an avid hater of the "let's bash all men" trend that seems to be going on.
Okay, I must have paid more attention that I thought. I'd better just stop writing, or this thing will be an essay -and I don't have time to write one of those right now.
But basically, this book is against all the "sit, wait, and hope God will drop a husband in your lap" mindset most of us sheltered, non-dating type girls have come to accept. Candice Watters argues that there is, indeed, something we can, and should, be doing to help. And from a Biblical standpoint, too! hooray!
Mrs. Watters encourages young women to not be ashamed of the desire to get married. The Bible teaches it is a holy, honorable, and worthwhile pursuit, created for God's glory, as a picture of Christ and his bride, and intended to bring individuals together for the furtherance of God's kindgdom.
And then there's the point about how it really is God's plan for most people to get married, so girls need to quit wasting the best part of their lives sitting there saying "if, if, if." If you want to get married, you obviously WEREN'T called to be single, so have a little faith, and "Live Like You're Planning to Marry." (the name of one of the chapters
There's also a nice chapter called "Men Aren't Jerks, They're Fallen (Like You)", which I appreciated as an avid hater of the "let's bash all men" trend that seems to be going on.
Okay, I must have paid more attention that I thought. I'd better just stop writing, or this thing will be an essay -and I don't have time to write one of those right now.
April 1, 2009
"(Foreward by R. Albert Mohler, Jr.) - What Women Can Do To Help It Happen- Unique among books for single Christian women, Candice's story, along with her discussion of Biblical principles for marrying well, will encourage never-married women, whatever their age and prospects. You can be content with where you are today and still desire marriage in a way that honors God. And there are things you can do to help it happen! I loved this book. It was very well written and persuasive. :) Full of practical advice too. I especially identified with Chapter 9- "Pray Boldly". I love how this book is solidly based on a foundation of Biblical Truth. It carries such a hopeful message and yet also encourages us to to be content where we are today while reaching for something more. And perhaps it might not be a bad idea to for mature young men to go ahead and read this book too? (It might help give them some insight esp. if they are seeking to begin a relationship with a Godly young woman) That being said, I wouldn't hesitate to recommend this book to any woman of marriable age. It certainly was a Blessing in my life.
May 1, 2009
If marriage is something that you desire, then you really need to read this book! Marriage is a gift from God, something that He does want to bless most people with. But with today’s breakdown of the family, the lines between masculinity and femininity blurred and a career driven confused culture....there is becoming less and less people entering into the holy marriage covenant, and those who are, are doing so later in life. This book is what women can do to help make marriage happen. And we’re not talking about popping the question to the opposite sex or doing anything scandalous. Candice offers biblically based concepts including believing that marriage is a worthwhile and holy pursuit, that God can make a good match, how to get behind the men you know to encourage them towards spiritual maturity, to live like your planning to marry and how to pray boldly.
April 14, 2012
I read this book with an open mind, and in the end I was not impressed. Actually I was a little angry with some 'suggestions'. It is one thing to take care of yourself (eat well, exercise regularly, etc) but Candace seemed to emphasize being THIN. (She uses an example of a young man in college who didn't seem to notice her until after she lost weight) I feel that she put too much emphasis on physical beauty, that we as single women need to be thin, always style hair, etc. In the final chapter she even goes as far as equating being overweight with being messy and unkempt. Was not impressed with this book at all, donated it as soon as I was finished.
February 12, 2008
This is a topical look at marriage from a biblical perspective. You can't get into too much detail in only 186 pages. Though, I'd say that this length is perfect for what I perceive to be her intended audience, young singles...twenty-somethings. Watters attempts to show the reader how to live like you're planning to get married. She gives advice and shares her own experiences. She does have many good points worth considering, and her list of recommended titles at the end of the book guide you to resources of more in-depth reading.
July 4, 2010
I borrowed this book from the library. Not necessarily ground breaking for boundless readers. I didn't learn anything particularly new other than gain more insight into Candice's personal life and stories :P. A good wrap up of her work, and with supportive biblical advice. I better read this again another time. Something I left with is a desire to share this message with other young women like myself and start praying boldly and encourage positive discussion on the topic of marriage, something by God's design is very good.
December 25, 2012
This marriage book was quite refreshing because it is written for single ladies and is advises women not to merely "wait on the Lord" and sit around doing nothing. Instead, the Watters writes on ways women may be preparing for marriage even as a single. She shares her own love story and reminds women that they, too, have a role to play before they meet their future husbands. The only issue with this book was its overemphasis on marriage (placing it on a pedestal). At times, I felt as if marriage was the only option for women.
July 28, 2011
Get Married was a refreshing challenge to embrace the call of marriage in today's anti-marriage culture. Refuting the myth that contentment is the answer to our longings, Candice Watters encourages her readers to live like they're planning to marry and to pray boldly. Complacency about marriage isn't helping our culture; purpose and the reformation of our thinking will. This was both inspiring, convicting.
February 3, 2010
This is a good book with practical advice to women on improving your odds for marriage. She tells some of her personal story in there along with her husband writing a chapter on how the two of them met and got married. She does answer questions at the end of the book about getting married since the writer is a columnist for Boundless an ezine from Focus on the Family for singles.
December 21, 2011
Good solid advice from solid Bible reading. The chapter on praying boldly was particularly helpful. Candice doesn't give new advice, but it was good to have it all in one place. I also found Candice and Steve's meet-up story encouraging as I tend to assume that a guy wants a petite adoring little blondie.
Currently reading
May 16, 2009I started this book, and im proud that i am reading it, so you can all know that yes, im reading a book to find out not what i can do to make it happen...but how i can HELP it happen. :) ill give it to you next, Celeste.
July 31, 2012
Candice is trying to make a point, but is a bit over the top. Worth reading though. Had some ideas of how to think toward marriage. Best idea: get a mentor who will challenge your spiritually. Nothing really new, but probably because I've heard her over at Boundless.org.
April 9, 2012
I'm usually not a big fan of books for singles written by married folks, but this one successfully avoided the "it worked for me...it will work for you, too!" platitudes while remaining credible. Solid scriptural backup.
April 1, 2015
I really hated this book when I first tried to read it in my early twenties. It clearly wasn't the right time for me to pick it up, and I think I also misconstrued some of her arguments.
4 stars for now, maybe 5 stars later. I need to think about it some more first.
4 stars for now, maybe 5 stars later. I need to think about it some more first.
August 7, 2015
enjoyed the refreshing perspective of this author, who pointed something out that i'd never read before - it's ok that we as women want to get married! be proud but not weird about it, and here's some applicable ways to do that. great and clear writing.
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