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A Kiss With Teeth
From the award-winning author Max Gladstone comes a dark fantasy tale, "A Kiss with Teeth, a Tor.com Original short story
Vlad has grown distant from his wife. His son has trouble at school. And he has to keep his sharp teeth hidden.
At the Publisher's request, this title is being sold without Digital Rights Management Software (DRM) applied.
Vlad has grown distant from his wife. His son has trouble at school. And he has to keep his sharp teeth hidden.
At the Publisher's request, this title is being sold without Digital Rights Management Software (DRM) applied.
24 pages, Kindle Edition
First published October 29, 2014
11 people are currently reading
899 people want to read
About the author
Max Gladstone
120 books2,527 followersMax Gladstone is the author of the Craft Sequence: THREE PARTS DEAD, TWO SERPENTS RISE, FULL FATHOM FIVE, and most recently, LAST FIRST SNOW. He's been twice nominated for the John W Campbell Best New Writer award, and nominated for the XYZZY and Lambda Awards.
Max has taught in southern Anhui, wrecked a bicycle in Angkor Wat, and been thrown from a horse in Mongolia. Max graduated from Yale University, where he studied Chinese.
Max has taught in southern Anhui, wrecked a bicycle in Angkor Wat, and been thrown from a horse in Mongolia. Max graduated from Yale University, where he studied Chinese.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 199 reviews
October 13, 2017
I'm upping my rating from 4.5 stars to 5 stars on rereading this Tor.com online freebie. I love this story! Vlad the vampire is married to a human (in fact, the woman who was originally hunting him down!). They have a young son, and Vlad tries to live like a regular human, denying his darker self and powers. It all starts to break down when his son starts having problems at school, and when Vlad starts meeting regularly with his son’s teacher … who starts looking incredibly appealing as a victim.
Being a good spouse and parent is rough ... especially when you're a vampire trying to pass in human society.
Being a good spouse and parent is rough ... especially when you're a vampire trying to pass in human society.
“Might as well kill me now.”Or the vampire's wife, who was hunting him down to kill him when they met.
“I won’t.”
“I’m a monster.”
“You’re just more literal than most.”
“I miss.” Those two words sound naked. He struggles to finish the sentence. “I miss when we could be dangerous to one another.”Even if you're a vampire -- or a vampire's wife, or his kid -- there's a lot to be said for being yourself. "A Kiss with Teeth" does a great job of mixing wry humor with creepy horror.
“You think you’re the only one who does? You think the PTA meetings and the ask your mothers and the how’s your families at work, you think that stuff doesn’t get to me? Think I don’t wonder how I became this person?”
October 12, 2021
Shocker. Another one I read with a deleted review. Found thanks to Amrita. Nice twist.
https://www.tor.com/2014/10/29/a-kiss...
https://www.tor.com/2014/10/29/a-kiss...
September 23, 2017
Vlad wants to teach Paul to sharpen his pencils with a knife, but sharpening pencils with a knife is not common these days, and anyway they’d have to collect the shaved bits of wood and graphite afterward. The old ways were harder to clean up.
review to come.
read it for yourself here:
https://www.tor.com/2014/10/29/a-kiss...
February 24, 2018
A delightful little story that goes well with this time of year. Only downside is it's too short. I hope Max Gladstone decides to expand on it because there are enough ideas here for a delightful full-length novel.
So. Ever wonder what Vlad the Impaler would be like as a family man going through a mid-life crisis? OF COURSE--that was how this story got me.
After hundreds of years as a vampire, Vlad falls for a human woman and decides to settle down and build a home with her. Together they have a son who is now 7 years old and has been having problems in school. Other than that, the family seems very happy, if only on the surface.
The story opens with Vlad bored out of his mind with domesticity. He misses his old life--blood, gore, and all, especially the blood--and reminisces constantly throughout the day. Pretending to be human used to be fun, because it was a game to him, but now after ten years, it's a life (that often feels like a life sentence). The novelty has worn off some time ago, and Vlad begins to feel his old self trying to come back. He doesn't let it though; he's got too much to lose. There is, however, one bright spot in his dull existence, and that's his son's teacher. He meets with her every week to discuss the boy's schoolwork, and the more time he spends with her, the more he feels his old urges returning.
This story did not go where I thought it would go, which was a nice surprise. It makes me like it all the more for breaking out of the tired old urban-vampire trope. What I enjoyed most about this story, even more so than Vlad, is the prose. There's a natural flow to it that's pleasant to read, but at the same time, it's got a bite to it, not unlike Vlad's real teeth. There's a sharpness and crispness to the structure that appeals to me.
[...]
[...]
[...]
Other than Vlad's false teeth, nothing is conventional about the domesticity in this story.
Instead of accountant, Vlad should have been a dentist. I mean, come on, huge missed opportunity there.
Read this story for free at Tor.com http://www.tor.com/2014/10/29/a-kiss-...
Review originally posted at https://covers2covers.wordpress.com/2...
So. Ever wonder what Vlad the Impaler would be like as a family man going through a mid-life crisis? OF COURSE--that was how this story got me.
After hundreds of years as a vampire, Vlad falls for a human woman and decides to settle down and build a home with her. Together they have a son who is now 7 years old and has been having problems in school. Other than that, the family seems very happy, if only on the surface.
The story opens with Vlad bored out of his mind with domesticity. He misses his old life--blood, gore, and all, especially the blood--and reminisces constantly throughout the day. Pretending to be human used to be fun, because it was a game to him, but now after ten years, it's a life (that often feels like a life sentence). The novelty has worn off some time ago, and Vlad begins to feel his old self trying to come back. He doesn't let it though; he's got too much to lose. There is, however, one bright spot in his dull existence, and that's his son's teacher. He meets with her every week to discuss the boy's schoolwork, and the more time he spends with her, the more he feels his old urges returning.
This story did not go where I thought it would go, which was a nice surprise. It makes me like it all the more for breaking out of the tired old urban-vampire trope. What I enjoyed most about this story, even more so than Vlad, is the prose. There's a natural flow to it that's pleasant to read, but at the same time, it's got a bite to it, not unlike Vlad's real teeth. There's a sharpness and crispness to the structure that appeals to me.
Vlad no longer shows his wife his sharp teeth. He keeps them secret in his gums, waiting for the quickened skip of hunger, for the blood-rush he almost never feels these days.
The teeth he wears instead are blunt as shovels. He coffee-stains them carefully, soaks them every night in a mug with ‘World’s Best Dad’ written on the side. After eight years of staining, Vlad’s blunt teeth are the burnished yellow of the keys of an old unplayed piano. If not for the stain they would be whiter than porcelain. Much, much whiter than bone.
[...]
A game, he tells himself. Humans hunt these days, in the woods, in the back country, and they do not eat the meat they kill. Fisherman catch fish to throw them back. And this night run is no more dangerous to him than fishing to an angler. He leaves his oxfords on the schoolhouse rooftop and runs barefoot over buildings and along bridge wires, swift and soft. Even if someone beneath looked up, what is he? Wisp of cloud, shiver of a remembered nightmare, bird spreading wings for flight. A shadow among shadows.
[...]
He can’t go on like this. Woken, power suffuses him. He slips into old paths of being, into ways he trained himself to forget. One evening on his home commute he catches crows flocking above him on brownstone rooftops. Black beady eyes wait for his command.
This is no way to be a father. No way to be a man.
But Vlad was a monster before he was a man.
[...]
“Might as well kill me now.”
“I won’t.”
“I’m a monster.”
“You’re just more literal than most.”
Other than Vlad's false teeth, nothing is conventional about the domesticity in this story.
Instead of accountant, Vlad should have been a dentist. I mean, come on, huge missed opportunity there.
Read this story for free at Tor.com http://www.tor.com/2014/10/29/a-kiss-...
Review originally posted at https://covers2covers.wordpress.com/2...
February 27, 2021
Vlad the vampire has settled into domestic life with a wife and young son Paul. However, Paul's teacher might just be his undoing.
I thought this was really fun, and an interesting take on what Dracula might be up to in the modern world. It's almost as though he got bored of living in that drafty castle one day so thought he'd get married and get a 9-5 job. The addition of son Paul also brings a bit more humanity to the character too. Vlad has a heart.
I thought this was really fun, and an interesting take on what Dracula might be up to in the modern world. It's almost as though he got bored of living in that drafty castle one day so thought he'd get married and get a 9-5 job. The addition of son Paul also brings a bit more humanity to the character too. Vlad has a heart.
June 20, 2021
Even if someone beneath looked up, what is he? Wisp of cloud, shiver of a remembered nightmare, bird spreading wings for flight. A shadow among shadows.
Vlad is a vampire and he is married to a human (who was hunting him ten years ago) and they have a son together, Paul. Vlad has been trying to fit among humans but barely. When they receive a letter from Paul's school indicating that Paul isn't doing well at school, Vlad sets up a meeting with Paul's teacher to discuss how can the situation be improved and things take a drastic turn from there.
“On what topic should we converse,” he asks. He can never end sentences with prepositions. He learned English in a proper age.
Vlad does rehearse. He has practiced thousands of times in the last decade. It took him a year to slow down so a human eye could see him shift from one posture to the next.
When he sees her, Vlad knows he should turn and leave. No good can come of this meeting. They are doomed, both of them.
He wants to be her monster. To transform her life in its ending.
When I started reading this, I thought what a baseless story just going on and on about Vlad being a centuries old vampire and how he's been training himself to move and talk and behave like a human but then he meets Paul's teacher and things get creepy and interesting and my heart was hammering like crazy. I was trying to guess what would happen. Would Vlad hunt her down or fall in love with her or would she kill him or is there something else? A wonderful, creepy, apprehensive story about day to day affairs of being a parent and a vampire as well as trying to fit in when you don't fit in. The writing was brilliant. But that ending felt a bit unsatisfactory.
4 stars
Vlad is a vampire and he is married to a human (who was hunting him ten years ago) and they have a son together, Paul. Vlad has been trying to fit among humans but barely. When they receive a letter from Paul's school indicating that Paul isn't doing well at school, Vlad sets up a meeting with Paul's teacher to discuss how can the situation be improved and things take a drastic turn from there.
“On what topic should we converse,” he asks. He can never end sentences with prepositions. He learned English in a proper age.
Vlad does rehearse. He has practiced thousands of times in the last decade. It took him a year to slow down so a human eye could see him shift from one posture to the next.
When he sees her, Vlad knows he should turn and leave. No good can come of this meeting. They are doomed, both of them.
He wants to be her monster. To transform her life in its ending.
When I started reading this, I thought what a baseless story just going on and on about Vlad being a centuries old vampire and how he's been training himself to move and talk and behave like a human but then he meets Paul's teacher and things get creepy and interesting and my heart was hammering like crazy. I was trying to guess what would happen. Would Vlad hunt her down or fall in love with her or would she kill him or is there something else? A wonderful, creepy, apprehensive story about day to day affairs of being a parent and a vampire as well as trying to fit in when you don't fit in. The writing was brilliant. But that ending felt a bit unsatisfactory.
4 stars
January 17, 2016
Awwww!
Rating, 4.5
I had this one bookmarked since I've read Three Parts Dead, from the Craft Sequence series. One time can be considered a lucky break, but with this short Max Gladstone hits home again.
Vlad is a centuries old vampire, a hunter by nature. Ten years back he'd been "caught" by a woman whose life (strangely) he didn't want to end. Unexpectedly becoming a father, he decided to adapt, change, slow down ... to fight and suppress his urges, to leave his past, and his "monster-self" behind. He's put his vampire teeth on a "shelf" ... well, buried deep in his gums, to be precise, and now he goes through life with artificial teeth carefully stained ... as to appear real.
In short, a delightful, sharp to a tooth point, BE YOURSELF-story.
You can read it for free here on tor.com
P.S.
And let's not forget how kick-ass his wife was. I really don care for the usual Mary Sue types we find in so many vampire related stories.
Rating, 4.5
I had this one bookmarked since I've read Three Parts Dead, from the Craft Sequence series. One time can be considered a lucky break, but with this short Max Gladstone hits home again.
Vlad is a centuries old vampire, a hunter by nature. Ten years back he'd been "caught" by a woman whose life (strangely) he didn't want to end. Unexpectedly becoming a father, he decided to adapt, change, slow down ... to fight and suppress his urges, to leave his past, and his "monster-self" behind. He's put his vampire teeth on a "shelf" ... well, buried deep in his gums, to be precise, and now he goes through life with artificial teeth carefully stained ... as to appear real.
In short, a delightful, sharp to a tooth point, BE YOURSELF-story.
You can read it for free here on tor.com
P.S.
And let's not forget how kick-ass his wife was. I really don care for the usual Mary Sue types we find in so many vampire related stories.
April 3, 2020
Really liked the mixing of mundane parenthood with the vampire mythos, and teaching our children to truly be who they are, even if it is different than everyone else.
May 21, 2015
g is for Gladstone
3.5 stars
This was an enjoyable and new piece of vampire lore. Vlad (minus half a star for the cliche name) is really struggling with keeping his true self a secret. Though the term "vampire" is never mentioned, he mentions his real teeth (very white and sharp), his Eastern European accent, his uncanny strength, superhuman speed, and sharper than sharp instincts and reflexes, all of which he has to suppress every day in order to fit in with humans. He also alludes to the fact that his wife is also like him, though she has a much easier time trying to be human. She keeps a rifle loaded with silver bullets close by in case Vlad's hesitation turns into defiance.
Vlad's son Paul is having trouble in school and so Vlad goes to meet with Paul's teacher, a pretty young blonde that Vlad becomes a little infatuated with. He soon begins following her and fantasizing about showing her his true nature, possibly turning her into what he is.
The story is told from Vlad's own voice and is very creatively written in a choppy sentence structure with short paragraphs. It is a very effective storytelling device. I was completely caught up in Vlad's inner conflict, and I thought the themes of conformity vs true self were very evident and well-rendered. Where this story lost some oomph for me was that the everyday routines got a little bit tedious, and it took a while to get to the meat of the story. But once I got there it was very satisfying. A very interesting way to tell a vampire story doubling as an essay on human nature and not being afraid to be who you are. Read it for FREE here:
http://www.tor.com/2014/10/29/a-kiss-...
January 3, 2023
Short, sharp and sweet
January 9, 2015
I thought I'd hate this story when it took a turn towards something that was really close to cheating. It's just something that can mess up my reading even when it doesn't have anything to do with the story.
Vlad is married and has a son. He is hiding his true nature from the world, and the façade is starting to crack. For someone like him, ordinary life is beyond boring. The cracks start appearing when he meets his son's teacher. The question is will she make him show his true nature. After all, it's been a while since he hunted.
Weird short take on Dracula trying to live as an ordinary man.
Vlad is married and has a son. He is hiding his true nature from the world, and the façade is starting to crack. For someone like him, ordinary life is beyond boring. The cracks start appearing when he meets his son's teacher. The question is will she make him show his true nature. After all, it's been a while since he hunted.
Weird short take on Dracula trying to live as an ordinary man.
January 21, 2016
Now this was fun. Bat also somehow surreal, almost like everything is happening in a dream. And for Vlad i guess it is, by trying to be something he is not his life is't real.
In the end it's a nice story about accepting one self.
In the end it's a nice story about accepting one self.
April 3, 2020
Wonderfully touching story of a vampire who's spent the last ten years of his life really trying his best to become an ordinary human, an everyday husband and father with an office job, etc. He's going through a kind of midlife crisis, questioning his ability and desire to go on suppressing his true nature, and ultimately hopes to rekindle his love and connection with his family. Beautifully told, with rich imagery and a somber mood. Levar Burton does an amazing job with the audio narration. Also free on Tor.com
February 23, 2018
This is no way to be a father. No way to be a man.
But Vlad was a monster before he was a man.
There's a time in everyone's life where the wild thing you once were feels itself tamed; perhaps it chafes at the binding, or maybe it welcomes the rest and feels that it's finally come home to where it can end it's roaming for good. In either case there's likely to be at least some sadness - some sense of mourning the beauty of that wildness you used to possess. And in this story it's taken to a more literal place, but the melancholy is offset with a touch of sweetness in the ending that took me by surprise.
Available free from Tor here: https://www.tor.com/2014/10/29/a-kiss...
But Vlad was a monster before he was a man.
There's a time in everyone's life where the wild thing you once were feels itself tamed; perhaps it chafes at the binding, or maybe it welcomes the rest and feels that it's finally come home to where it can end it's roaming for good. In either case there's likely to be at least some sadness - some sense of mourning the beauty of that wildness you used to possess. And in this story it's taken to a more literal place, but the melancholy is offset with a touch of sweetness in the ending that took me by surprise.
Available free from Tor here: https://www.tor.com/2014/10/29/a-kiss...
July 24, 2016
Vlad the Impaler as a modern day American. Quite enjoyable. The story and the writing as well. Definitely going to try me some more of Max Gladstone.
January 23, 2020
I thought I'd read pretty much every take on Vlad, but this is unique.
Free on Tor: https://www.tor.com/2014/10/29/a-kiss...
Free on Tor: https://www.tor.com/2014/10/29/a-kiss...
December 25, 2020
6/15: i did not expect to love this so much but here we are
December 11, 2021
Excellent. Vlad Dracula has a family. Is trying to act human for his human wife and son. He is tempted to return to his dark ways. His wife has other ideas. Well worth a read for it's unique perspective and wry humor.
Read it at https://www.tor.com/2014/10/29/a-kiss...
At work Vlad pretends to be an accountant. He pretends to use spreadsheets and formulas to deliver pretend assurances to a client who pretends to follow the law.It contains one line I particularly like:
His wife Sarah has not tried to kill him since they married. She stores her holy water in a kitchen cabinet behind the spice rack, the silver bullets in a safe with her gun.
I miss when we could be dangerous to one another.Different context here but I think also a apt description of what love at its most passionate feels like: dangerous, like it will swallow you whole.
Read it at https://www.tor.com/2014/10/29/a-kiss...
November 22, 2014
Max Gladstone is one of the best speculative fictions writers I have come across, and every time I read something he has written I fall in love with it. Not only is his prose smart, sharp, and beautiful, but I love how he uses supernatural elements to highlight and explore real everyday issues. I would definitely recommend this story to both fans of Gladstone's and readers who have been on the fence about reading his novels. It is a great example of the tone and uniqueness of his writing, but keep in mind his novels are even better because of the incredible world building.
July 12, 2017
This was a pretty good short story about a man named Vlad who is a Vampire but tries to be a normal person. Can he hide who he truly is though? Read on to find out for yourself.
If you like Vampire stories, definitely go read this story here: http://www.tor.com/2014/10/29/a-kiss-...
If you like Vampire stories, definitely go read this story here: http://www.tor.com/2014/10/29/a-kiss-...
December 22, 2017
3.5★ rounded up for the writing style
December 5, 2019
Review for “A Kiss with Teeth” by Max Gladstone.
This. Was. AWESOME!! Wow, that was so much better than I expected. 5, that was just about perfect, stars! Highly recommended.
This. Was. AWESOME!! Wow, that was so much better than I expected. 5, that was just about perfect, stars! Highly recommended.
May 17, 2020
Oh no I loved this!
I thought the concept of "ancient vampire tries to act like a human being in our modern world" was interesting but would make for nothing more than an enjoyable read, maybe even a funny one, but this went weirdly deep and got me more emotional than I thought it would? And while that's not the point and it would fall under "the bare minimum" I also was very touched that the protagonist wondered if his son's teacher "has a boyfriend, or a girlfriend" and it was not a big deal, just wondering and not making heternormativity the norm.
This is ultimately a short but very impactful story about not suppressing who you are and the simple joys life can give you when you embrace everything about yourself.
I thought the concept of "ancient vampire tries to act like a human being in our modern world" was interesting but would make for nothing more than an enjoyable read, maybe even a funny one, but this went weirdly deep and got me more emotional than I thought it would? And while that's not the point and it would fall under "the bare minimum" I also was very touched that the protagonist wondered if his son's teacher "has a boyfriend, or a girlfriend" and it was not a big deal, just wondering and not making heternormativity the norm.
This is ultimately a short but very impactful story about not suppressing who you are and the simple joys life can give you when you embrace everything about yourself.
January 6, 2015
Gladstone is an author who's been getting a lot of good press recently, and I've been on the fence about reading him. The problem is that I'm not much into (read: really can't see the attraction of) paranormal fantasy. And "A Kiss with Teeth"? I was over vampires thirty years ago...
Then I read Amal El-Mohtar's review: Rich and Strange: “A Kiss With Teeth” by Max Gladstone and I was hooked.
What do you get when Dracula meets Buffy and they fall in love? Well, in Gladstone's story, you get a half-vampire child with problems in school, and a couple whose marriage is as predictably hum-drum as any in history. Can you imagine Dracula as an accountant, and Buffy as a housewife? No, unless you're Max Gladstone reading this review, or you've already read A Kiss with Teeth, I don't believe you can. Fortunately Gladstone did.
The story is told from Vlad's viewpoint. Vlad makes a great deal of the fact that he's had to slow his life to a snail's pace to fit in as a normal human father, but it clearly never occurs to him that acting as a normal wife and mother is no easier for the vampire hunter. And, while he hints that he doesn't expect his child is quite normal (his teacher suggests having Paul tested for ADHD, and Vlad doesn't refuse but he obviously thinks that it might raise more questions than it answers), Vlad neither does anything to verify it nor does it occur to him that being a "normal" seven-year old boy is as hard for Paul as being normal is for his parents.
As the best vampire stories have always been, this is a story about interpersonal relationships, not vampires.
December 23, 2022
Good story, wish it was longer
Read
September 24, 2021He wants to be her monster.
I really liked the way this story played out.
I really liked the way this story played out.
October 15, 2018
Max Gladstone's
A Kiss With Teeth
is a heartfelt short story about a vampire named Vlad who's married to Sarah, a vampire hunter. It is beautifully written and very interesting and sweet. It's a must-read!
January 27, 2025
Uneventful.
February 13, 2022
A short story about 'be yourself'— vampire style.
https://www.tor.com/2014/10/29/a-kiss...
https://www.tor.com/2014/10/29/a-kiss...
October 12, 2021
4.5 stars
I think this story would speak to anyone who has ever been ensconced in the daily ennui of mundane routines. Falling into the ways of domesticity and familiarity can feel a little like sinking into a soft, clinging bed, and that feeling was captured perfectly by this story. It's definitely worth reading, in my opinion.
A Kiss With Teeth is free to read online:
https://www.tor.com/2014/10/29/a-kiss...
I think this story would speak to anyone who has ever been ensconced in the daily ennui of mundane routines. Falling into the ways of domesticity and familiarity can feel a little like sinking into a soft, clinging bed, and that feeling was captured perfectly by this story. It's definitely worth reading, in my opinion.
A Kiss With Teeth is free to read online:
https://www.tor.com/2014/10/29/a-kiss...
Displaying 1 - 30 of 199 reviews