Unclench Me Softly

by Gwendoline Rose

“It’s like Eat, Pray, Love—but with group sponge baths and better orgasms.” —A woman who left her husband for a man she met during Rage Yoga™
“Hot, hilarious, and suspiciously accurate about men and emotions. I highlighted every filthily sacred line. My Kindle is pregnant.” —@SmudgedandSatisfied on BookTok

A spiritually chaotic, accidentally sexy Reverse Harem romantic comedy with rituals, robes, and more emotional healing than I legally intended.

Hi. I’m Bliss.
Yes, that’s my real name.
No, I don’t want to talk about it.
Here’s what you need to
I inherited a crumbling “spiritual wellness retreat” in the woods.
It came with back taxes, a clamshell-shaped steam dome, and a vulva pond.
To save it from demolition, I launched a fake men’s retreat called The Five Pillars of Divine Masculine Surrender™.
Then five emotionally constipated, spiritually smoldering men actually signed up.
And showed up.
With abs.
Now I’m running group howling circles, designing bullshit rituals on the fly, and trying not to spiritually marry all five of them just because they finally unclenched during Rage Yoga and learned how to hold space.
It was supposed to be a scam.
It might be a cult now.
And I might be in love with every single man here.
Including the one who’s probably investigating me. And the one who blindfolded me with my own robe belt and called it emotional realignment. And the one who brings snacks.
It’s fine.
Everything is fine.
We have a bonfire ceremony planned. There’s a newsletter. We’re soft now.

Genres: Why Choose, Romance, Contemporary, Contemporary Romance, Humor

262 pages, Kindle Edition

Published April 28, 2025

About the author

Gwendoline Rose admits she’s not quite right. But who the hell wants to be? Maybe it was the steady diet of fairy tales spiked with horror. Maybe it was the cream cookies and undiagnosed autism.

Either way, she’s always rooted for the villain, questioned the happy endings, and wondered why the hell the princess would ever settle for Prince Beige.

Now she writes emotionally raw, hilariously unhinged romance for the beautifully broken, the chronically overstimulated, the neurodivergents, the survivors, the ones who feel too much and love even harder.

Diagnosed late with autism, cPTSD, and enough rare disorders to fill a bingo card, she now channels the chaos into characters who crave connection but have absolutely no idea how to do it “right.”

Her heroines are feral. Her men are emotionally constipated. And her stories don’t fade to black, they set it on fire.

If you’ve ever been told you’re too intense, too sensitive, too much… welcome home.

Reviews

[LolaLovesRH · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book made me unclench fr

Author I need you to write at least 20 more of these because I loved this story so much. It’s been a while since a book made me sob with laughter and omg this was everything I needed to “unclench.” And distress. I loved the fmc so much and I really think the author should write a short story from the men’s pov because I’m unaliving to see the fmc’s from their perspective.

I love her so much she’s unhinged but aware of it and it’s the best combination. Like girly is just trying to keep the strange resort she inherited.

The men were sexy and hilarious, and like this could have been 6 books series and I would have happily read them all. Read this if you need to unclench, and distress people. You won’t be disappointed

[Leslie R · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was actually pretty funny, although you might have to be chronically online to find it so 🤷‍♀️

I like the parallelism of a different guy going down on her each day 😂

[Deborah · Rating 5 out of 5]

laughed so much

Brilliant, I haven’t laughed so much in ages, all while clenching my thighs, ‘with intent’!
Fab characters, Bliss may be my favourite fmc this year. And the guys, holy goddess, wow! Especially sweet sweet Asher, growling Jax, silent Seb, Miles whose buttoned up self unclenched so beautifully and Jonah, as hot as they come!

[Rose · Rating 3 out of 5]

I wanted something different and this was def different. I didn’t dislike it but there was just too much wellness, touchy feely, retreat stuff for me. There is nothing else happening. Some of the scenes were funny, some were surprisingly intimate and touching but overall it was just too much. I felt stuck in a loop and got bored around 60%.

[Steevie Lindsey · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's going to take a long time to recover from this...

I barely know where to start! I want to immediately reread it because I am not ready for it to be over! This book was everything I didn't know I needed. It was beautiful chaotic perfection, and I need more!!!

[ᴊᴇꜱꜱᴛʜᴇʙᴏᴏᴋᴅᴇᴍᴏɴ ☾ ✧˚ · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5⭐️

this book had me laughing so much. it is so millennial coded and perfect for anyone who knows and understands their
big 3 and manifesting good things in their life.

[Marge Dugaduga · Rating 5 out of 5]

Eat Pray Love but make it comedy. Constantly laughing at the first half

[Megan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Funny and adorable!

This book had me laughing out loud several times! It was an adorable romance and I loved all the character dynamics! I need like 3 more books with this group!

[Chelsie Lucas · Rating 3 out of 5]

I laughed a lot while reading this but also rolled my eyes so hard I could see my brain. So. There’s that.

They IN ZERO WAY have a romantic relationship. You don’t get to know ANYONE. Not even a little bit. You don’t know last names or jobs - not really- nothing.
The spice is solid and the humor is great.
The plot is nonexistent.
So. Yeah. It was a solid three stars but just for the vibes and Asher.

[Desiree🦇 · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think this was the most hilarious thing I’ve read all year 😂. MFMMMM. No virgins, no details on histories. Surprisingly sweet while being absolutely hilarious. Wish we would’ve gotten to read Jonah’s letter.

[K · Rating 5 out of 5]

shit was mad funny. other reviews said the humor was millennial, and as a youth, I kinda agree, but I also had a chuckle or two, so it's expandable. bliss (mc) was raised in a cult, and now she has inherited the cult location and has to make big bucks to keep it. so obvi, she starts scamming men. there's 5 dudes - Jax (angry biker), Asher (beta male), Sebastian (woodland spirit), Miles (repressed male), Jonah (the messiah). the plot takes course over 5 days, and they all wanna goon w Bliss. and they do. but ykw? she spent hella time w all of them, so it makes sense that they fall for her, especially cuz she doesn't judge any of em for not being alpha males. they all kinda know she's a scammer, but they're still down w it, which is hot.

[ReadsBetweenKatNaps · Rating 5 out of 5]

STOP! You had me at Gremlin Coven 4Ever!

Where do I sign up? And how is that Toad single? Haha! Loved this book! You always have a way of leaving me wanting to know more, but being ok with the how it all went down. I suppose it is the simplicity in the characters that allow you to just roll with it. Strap in folks this one is a wildly hilarious rollercoaster of finding your cubs, spiritual hijinks and finding your pancake soulmates…and who knew ash could be that sexy?! Or Pancakes?! I even found myself reading parts of it to my husband. Won’t you join me in reading this amazing journey is self discovery RH style?

[~*~Brooke's Stripped Down Reviews~*~ · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 Blissful Stars!

What a quirky, unexpectedly fun & sexy read!

Five unhinged, complicated men searching for life's answers from an equally emotionally unstable woman faking a spiritual retreat. It's a recipe for disaster...or accidental healing, when you weren't aware you needed it.

"Let them praise you like a prayer and break you like a commandment."

I want to be Bliss when I grow up ;)

Don't judge a book by its cover, definitely give this one a try.

[Zoe McCormick · Rating 2 out of 5]

i had to DNF at like 70% through. i feel like i just read a word salad instead of a book. key ingredients: "sacred" "chaos" "arousal" "womb/uterus" "i love that for you" "ritual" featuring too many similes back to back using the same 20 words... ironically without "intention" (another part of the word salad)
i give it some points for being kind of a funny premise, and a few of the MMCs are fun/cute (seb and asher mostly) but like... that's kinda all it's got

[Jackie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved it!

This story is different. We are not in a world where there is drama or talking about past traumas. Working life, etc. It's all in the now. There are times where I actually laughed out loud and had my husband staring at me like im a lunatic. She crap she comes up with ok the fly is halarious. Def give this book a chance if you want to laugh

[Alicia Clark · Rating 5 out of 5]

The greatest

This was the greatest book I've read in a long time. It was laugh out loud hilarious, sweet, tender, nonsensical, still funny, and just such a fun, well done romp. Could not put it down. Will be buying a copy soon. Borrowed with ku. So look fun and funny and absolutely perfect.

[Celeste Anderson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Truly Unhinged and Hysterical

As a former retreat facilitator, spiritual director and eternal spiritual seeker who also loves reading spicy reverse harem books, I loved this book! The author does a great job of poking fun at New Age spirituality and pop psychology while also honoring the human need for soul-connection.I highly recommend this book
.

[Sarah · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was bored most of the book her inner tangents got annoying fast and she has like no actual plans. She just says whatever and hopes they believe it. She just was not smart in any way she just seemed dumb and luckily the guys thought she was hot otherwise they would have left and she would have been up a creek.

I expected more after her stalker books that were hilarious and very smart heroines.

[KimberlyEmm · Rating 1 out of 5]

DND…it just wasn’t for me

This one came up in a readers group and it mentioned how funny it was. The reviews seem to agree. I got about 30% in and just finally said enough, this isn’t for me.

[Stephanie Cordner · Rating 5 out of 5]

Shipping with Chaos

I laughed reading this whole freaking book. Bliss is living out my crystal living dream and I'm trying to talk my husband into aligning or chakras. Seriously worth the read.

[Raychael · Rating 5 out of 5]

Lmfao

I was in love
Bliss is great and such a fun, fluffy story.
The men.. wooo, I loved them all and how it ended, but I will say my favorite is Asher.... always the quiet ones you gotta watch

[Kalexreads · Rating 4 out of 5]

Funny, sweet, silly, and spicy. Bliss needs money, so she sets up a “spiritual wellness retreat” for men. She got more than she bargained for when Jax, Asher, Seb, Miles, and Jonah arrived, but she’s here for it!

[Mikayla Graves · Rating 4 out of 5]

Enjoyable

I feel like there's still some secret Jonah hasn't shared. Did I miss what was in the letter? Either way, it was nice. Definitely some swishy lack of detail. I liked it. I wouldn't co-sign, tho. Iykwim.

[Heather · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was exactly what I needed it to be funny, light, spicy and a little ridiculous! It was such an enjoyable read even though it wasn't serious I thoroughly enjoyed the experience.

[Abigail Lightfoot · Rating 5 out of 5]

laughed so hard my chakras realigned

Loved loved loved. 🥰 Did not expect this book to merge so seamlessly with my internal monologue. This author is going to the top of my list!

[Sabrina Phillip · Rating 5 out of 5]

A MUST read

I laughed , I felt sorrow, I felt happiness , I felt like I was there. This was a good one and I wished there was a part 2

[Tayreid · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was hilarious. So unhinged in the best way. I would have loved a second book honestly. So silly and cute

[Sara Jamila · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was beautiful.

[Ivy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a fun, light read. One of the books where you can’t take it too seriously and just enjoy the ride(s). Bliss certainly did.

[Brianna · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hilarious, had me kicking my feet and giggling into my pillow.
Cute, fluffy, strangely profound as well.