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First, Kill All the Marriage Counselors: Modern-Day Secrets to Being Desired, Cherished, and Adored for Life
If you want to repair your marriage or build an enduring, fulfilling relationship, step away from the therapist, put down the magazine, and pick up this book.
Laura Doyle’s marriage was in trouble. After five years, her husband had become distant and seemed checked out of their relationship, preferring watching TV to making love. There were frequent fights that ended with tense silences. Marriage counseling made their problems worse—each session seemed to reinforce the feeling that she and her husband were just too far apart.
Desperate to avoid divorcing the man she loved, Laura tried something different: she started talking to happily married women, some for more than 15 years. What she discovered shocked her.
Everything she had heard in marriage counseling was wrong. Laura realized there are basic truths that can help women maintain loving, intimate marriages, such as:
The happiness of your relationship is up to you!
What men want most of all is to be treated with respect. Treat your man with respect (even if you aren’t feeling it), and he will treat you with love and care.
Your man wants to know he has your trust. Give it to him, and he’ll realize you are special . . . because you will be!
After seeing her own marriage transform, Laura set out to help other women do the same. In First, Kill All the Marriage Counselors, you’ll learn Laura’s “Six Intimacy Skills,” which have been used by over 150,000 women who have turned their unhappy marriages into blissful unions.
First, Kill All the Marriage Counselors will put you on the path to having the sweet, satisfying marriage you want with the man you love!
Laura Doyle’s marriage was in trouble. After five years, her husband had become distant and seemed checked out of their relationship, preferring watching TV to making love. There were frequent fights that ended with tense silences. Marriage counseling made their problems worse—each session seemed to reinforce the feeling that she and her husband were just too far apart.
Desperate to avoid divorcing the man she loved, Laura tried something different: she started talking to happily married women, some for more than 15 years. What she discovered shocked her.
Everything she had heard in marriage counseling was wrong. Laura realized there are basic truths that can help women maintain loving, intimate marriages, such as:
The happiness of your relationship is up to you!
What men want most of all is to be treated with respect. Treat your man with respect (even if you aren’t feeling it), and he will treat you with love and care.
Your man wants to know he has your trust. Give it to him, and he’ll realize you are special . . . because you will be!
After seeing her own marriage transform, Laura set out to help other women do the same. In First, Kill All the Marriage Counselors, you’ll learn Laura’s “Six Intimacy Skills,” which have been used by over 150,000 women who have turned their unhappy marriages into blissful unions.
First, Kill All the Marriage Counselors will put you on the path to having the sweet, satisfying marriage you want with the man you love!
248 pages, Paperback
First published June 2, 2015
48 people are currently reading
1037 people want to read
About the author
Laura Doyle
11 books99 followersLaura Doyle is the author of the book The Surrendered Wife: A Practical Guide to Finding Intimacy, Passion and Peace with a Man (Simon & Schuster 2001), The Surrendered Single: A Practical Guide to Attracting and Marrying the Man Who's Right for You (Simon & Schuster 2002), and Things Will Get as Good as you Can Stand (Simon & Schuster 2004) She leads workshops and seminars that have helped thousands of women find the intimacy they crave.
Doyle's book caught the attention of major media the world over, including Dateline NBC, The Today Show, The View, Montel Williams Show, Politically Incorrect, The New York Times, Marie Claire UK, The London Telegraph and many others. The Los Angeles Times calls Doyle part of a new trend and writes that "members of her group...swear by its effectiveness in relieving marital discord and their inability to cope with the pressures of trying to be superwomen."
In her books, lectures and seminars, Doyle reveals her own experiences from her fifteen-year marriage, as well as practical, simple techniques that women can use to attract and revitalize intimacy immediately.
Prior to writing The Surrendered Wife, Doyle enjoyed a successful career as a marketing copywriter. She is a graduate with honors from San Jose State University's journalism department.
Doyle's book caught the attention of major media the world over, including Dateline NBC, The Today Show, The View, Montel Williams Show, Politically Incorrect, The New York Times, Marie Claire UK, The London Telegraph and many others. The Los Angeles Times calls Doyle part of a new trend and writes that "members of her group...swear by its effectiveness in relieving marital discord and their inability to cope with the pressures of trying to be superwomen."
In her books, lectures and seminars, Doyle reveals her own experiences from her fifteen-year marriage, as well as practical, simple techniques that women can use to attract and revitalize intimacy immediately.
Prior to writing The Surrendered Wife, Doyle enjoyed a successful career as a marketing copywriter. She is a graduate with honors from San Jose State University's journalism department.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 72 reviews
October 5, 2019
Good ideas about self care but she totally lost me when she said turn over the control of the money to your husband. I helped too many widows as a banker to know that is the WRONG advice.
September 4, 2015
Okay. Hmmm. I had a bias about this book before I even picked it up but was hoping for the best. I'm a counselor. With two Masters and a PhD dissertation underway. Laura has a good marriage. And is a best seller novelist. And a life coach. GROAN. I have researched her and cannot find her credentials anywhere. Thus, I can only assume she is an expert in her own mind, not in science, in academia, in evidence based practices. She has tips to be "adored for life." I call bullshit. So much bullshit. She has a list of fallacies that marriage counselors supposedly propose during sessions at the beginning of each chapter of what a counselor "might do" and how it is probably wrong and then she debunks this fake improbable technique she has made up that counselors "might" do. I don't know where she is getting her information or what she thinks she's pulling, but anyone who has any understanding of psychology and science should take a step back. What a fricking racket. Now granted, there are a few good tips here if you want to go back to the 1950s and become a Stepford wife. But the fact that she believes she has some sort of skills that counselors do not spend years of their lives honing or are not capable of? That just pisses me off. You have confirmed for me what life coaches do, Ms. Doyle with no credentials: they simply spout gibberish.
June 2, 2015
I so appreciate the way this book helps me work WITH my partner and respect that he is very different from me, being a man. I have had much experience with couples therapy,and found it to be satisfying to me, but my ex-husband was just enduring it to keep the relationship. He would be great in the sessions, and revert back when we got home. Now that I am divorced and in a new relationship, ways i would have responded in the past, i am replacing as i keep learning and applying the skills Laura is teaching here. My partner is very responsive to this...just like she predicts!
January 29, 2021
I’d give this book -2 stars if I could. Anyone who feels the need to use chronic criticism of other professionals or entire fields of sociology, psychology, and anthropology in order to build their own brand in which they make false promises, would hopefully raise some red flags. Not only is Doyle uneducated in her field, but she is using extremely biased narratives to reinforce a lot of misogynistic narratives by obtaining data from one side of heterosexual relationships, leaving out narratives from the entire other half (and gender). Doyle essentially interviewed women who have been married for more than 6 years and is using this as her evidence for why being a submissive, enabling, and (potentially) emotionally battered wife is justifiable. She also makes claims that readers have the power to change their husbands, and that change comes by relinquishing both power and respect in an effort to stroke a man’s ego, validate him (even if his behavior is harmful), and ultimately enable dysfunctional emotional and relational dynamics. I was horrified when she gave the example of a wife minimizing a husband’s verbal abuse and the couple’s child spoke up, reminding the mother that “dad always gets angry.”
I am not as offended that a “relationship coach” has an opinion. But, to build a brand of coaching by stomping on and demeaning other people who have historically shown evidence of helping and supporting people emotionally and relationally, was beyond offensive.
Her 6 core skills to changing yer man are simply cognitive and behavioral interventions. Nothing new or shocking here. The research and science has been proven for years and years that those CBT techniques and interventions can produce emotional and relational change. Overall, this is a highly offensive book. I am left feeling concerned for all the women out there who are eating this up. I also am baffled that this book was written in 2015. How? How are we still this far behind?
Hyper misogynistic
Makes false claims
Makes false promises
Enables domestic abuse
Engenders power imbalances
Unethical practices
One-dimensional
Biased collection of evidence
I am not as offended that a “relationship coach” has an opinion. But, to build a brand of coaching by stomping on and demeaning other people who have historically shown evidence of helping and supporting people emotionally and relationally, was beyond offensive.
Her 6 core skills to changing yer man are simply cognitive and behavioral interventions. Nothing new or shocking here. The research and science has been proven for years and years that those CBT techniques and interventions can produce emotional and relational change. Overall, this is a highly offensive book. I am left feeling concerned for all the women out there who are eating this up. I also am baffled that this book was written in 2015. How? How are we still this far behind?
Hyper misogynistic
Makes false claims
Makes false promises
Enables domestic abuse
Engenders power imbalances
Unethical practices
One-dimensional
Biased collection of evidence
June 3, 2019
Thanks to the author and publisher for the Goodreads giveaway copy, provided in the exchange for an honest review.
This reminded me of the book Real Love by Greg Baer which changed my life in 2004. Several pages in, I seriously contemplated setting it on fire. As I’m a lover of books, I couldn’t do that so I shoved in a drawer and slammed it shut. (There may or may not have been multiple expletives, rude gestures and snarling. Okay, definitely, there definitely were.) Then I got over myself.
How this book differs is the sole focus on the wife, creating a unique feminine twist instead of the more general approach. Sure, you may roll your eyes and require an abacus to list all of the ways your husband—not you, never you—needs to improve. Be prepared for an ass whoopin’. (Buy it anyway, even if it sits in the recycle bin for a month after you accidentally, totally on purpose—because this book is the stupidest-piece-of-fiction-encrusted-hogwash-in-the-history-of-humankind—slam-dunked it there.)
Six steps will be listed. All will be hard. Some you may even do. Or think you do. Or try to do. Only you don’t. At least not all the way. It’s funny that way. Only not so much.
First up, Self-Care. Oh yeah, first one is a doozy. Told ya. And guess what? Not only do you have to figure out what you want, you have to actually do something about it. Every. Day. (Now’s a good time to have a glass of wine. Or a shot. Binge-watching anyone?)
Next we encounter Restore Respect. Not for you. For him. (Yep, right now. Don’t curl your face that way.) My takeaway from this was on page 80: “My husband is smart enough to notice me trying to control him like I’m his boss or his mother—instead of his lover—no matter how clever my wording.”
Third up, Relinquish Control. (Thought that was covered in Step Two, right? Snort.) “Stay On Your Own Paper” is the first chapter under this step. It’s a good analogy. And it’s harder than you think. I’d previously been enlightened that my husband can eat what he wants and folding the towels not-my-way is perfectly okay. Turns out, what lane he chooses on the highway and how often he hydrates is his choice too.
Step Four: Receive. Sounds innocuous, right? The least amount of pages belongs to this step. A mere one chapter. Yet it’s the one. The one that KTFO’d me. Why? Page 155: “Receiving is the ultimate act of giving up control.” Ummm, WT—actual—F!? And then you keep reading. And it makes sense. And holy crap, all the I can do it, I’ve got it, No let me’s suddenly seem toxic. Detrimental. And on my list of nix-it-from-your-vocabulary-for-all-time list.
Then there’s Vulnerability. It’s scary and the antithesis of our instincts. Do it anyway. I’m going to try the “Ouch” technique. It’s the more soul-baring version of “That hurt my feelings” which many of us have been taught to say.
Last, Refocus with Gratitude. I know, I know, it sounds woo-woo. Once upon a time I would have agreed with you. That was the old me. Nevertheless, I’m going to divert additional energy into this practice. It’s a reminder. An equalizer. An eye-opener. And a “spouse-fulfilling prophecy?” Oh, the possibilities.
By the way, I threatened to “return to sender” if I saw the not-so-subtle accompanying website listed/advertised/mentioned one more time. So be warned. Phrases are repeated. The website, which I checked out just in case wasn’t much at this point (and I was frustrated that I had to sign up before I’d even seen a damn thing). I found more content on the author’s website and would have preferred—and been much more receptive—to going there, browsing, and then being introduced to a secondary site specifically for like-minded women.
And, as with all self-improvement books, you may not be ready. I give Baer’s book as wedding presents. Never have I received commentary. I’ve given it to married friends who wanted help with their struggling relationships. I don’t think any finished it. As I stated previously, my own copy huddled inside a dark drawer for weeks (okay, months) until the sprouting seeds began to nudge my pride. Being miserable always seems like the only thing . . . until you discover—to your absolute horror for all the time wasted—that is isn’t.
Sexy reading,
Marsha
Take a chance because of the title, then on yourself.
This reminded me of the book Real Love by Greg Baer which changed my life in 2004. Several pages in, I seriously contemplated setting it on fire. As I’m a lover of books, I couldn’t do that so I shoved in a drawer and slammed it shut. (There may or may not have been multiple expletives, rude gestures and snarling. Okay, definitely, there definitely were.) Then I got over myself.
How this book differs is the sole focus on the wife, creating a unique feminine twist instead of the more general approach. Sure, you may roll your eyes and require an abacus to list all of the ways your husband—not you, never you—needs to improve. Be prepared for an ass whoopin’. (Buy it anyway, even if it sits in the recycle bin for a month after you accidentally, totally on purpose—because this book is the stupidest-piece-of-fiction-encrusted-hogwash-in-the-history-of-humankind—slam-dunked it there.)
Quick disclaimer: I changed my marriage in 2004 by changing myself because of Baer’s book and the agonizing work that followed. I’m in love with my husband. We laugh and talk and get those looks from people. Yet I found myself thinking uh-oh again and again throughout this book. Because as women we think differently, and it turns out some of my help isn’t much help at all.
Six steps will be listed. All will be hard. Some you may even do. Or think you do. Or try to do. Only you don’t. At least not all the way. It’s funny that way. Only not so much.
First up, Self-Care. Oh yeah, first one is a doozy. Told ya. And guess what? Not only do you have to figure out what you want, you have to actually do something about it. Every. Day. (Now’s a good time to have a glass of wine. Or a shot. Binge-watching anyone?)
Next we encounter Restore Respect. Not for you. For him. (Yep, right now. Don’t curl your face that way.) My takeaway from this was on page 80: “My husband is smart enough to notice me trying to control him like I’m his boss or his mother—instead of his lover—no matter how clever my wording.”
Third up, Relinquish Control. (Thought that was covered in Step Two, right? Snort.) “Stay On Your Own Paper” is the first chapter under this step. It’s a good analogy. And it’s harder than you think. I’d previously been enlightened that my husband can eat what he wants and folding the towels not-my-way is perfectly okay. Turns out, what lane he chooses on the highway and how often he hydrates is his choice too.
Step Four: Receive. Sounds innocuous, right? The least amount of pages belongs to this step. A mere one chapter. Yet it’s the one. The one that KTFO’d me. Why? Page 155: “Receiving is the ultimate act of giving up control.” Ummm, WT—actual—F!? And then you keep reading. And it makes sense. And holy crap, all the I can do it, I’ve got it, No let me’s suddenly seem toxic. Detrimental. And on my list of nix-it-from-your-vocabulary-for-all-time list.
Then there’s Vulnerability. It’s scary and the antithesis of our instincts. Do it anyway. I’m going to try the “Ouch” technique. It’s the more soul-baring version of “That hurt my feelings” which many of us have been taught to say.
Last, Refocus with Gratitude. I know, I know, it sounds woo-woo. Once upon a time I would have agreed with you. That was the old me. Nevertheless, I’m going to divert additional energy into this practice. It’s a reminder. An equalizer. An eye-opener. And a “spouse-fulfilling prophecy?” Oh, the possibilities.
By the way, I threatened to “return to sender” if I saw the not-so-subtle accompanying website listed/advertised/mentioned one more time. So be warned. Phrases are repeated. The website, which I checked out just in case wasn’t much at this point (and I was frustrated that I had to sign up before I’d even seen a damn thing). I found more content on the author’s website and would have preferred—and been much more receptive—to going there, browsing, and then being introduced to a secondary site specifically for like-minded women.
And, as with all self-improvement books, you may not be ready. I give Baer’s book as wedding presents. Never have I received commentary. I’ve given it to married friends who wanted help with their struggling relationships. I don’t think any finished it. As I stated previously, my own copy huddled inside a dark drawer for weeks (okay, months) until the sprouting seeds began to nudge my pride. Being miserable always seems like the only thing . . . until you discover—to your absolute horror for all the time wasted—that is isn’t.
Sexy reading,
Marsha
June 4, 2015
These ideas about marriage of Laura Doyle are so new for a modern woman like me. It was a really huge step for me to look at the mirror, like Laura challenges to do. Now I feel I'm womanizing me to be the woman I'm supposed to be with the greatest wisdom I could imagine. My whole family enjoys fruits of this book. Love it!!
June 16, 2015
I really enjoyed reading this book.
It made a lot of sense and brought up several key points.
I like this author, her themes in her other two books are very similar and definitely worth the read.
I would recommend this book to any female who is married for any length of time however I think it is written for the woman who has come upon the "7 year itch" in her marriage and is looking for answers on how to make things better.
It made a lot of sense and brought up several key points.
I like this author, her themes in her other two books are very similar and definitely worth the read.
I would recommend this book to any female who is married for any length of time however I think it is written for the woman who has come upon the "7 year itch" in her marriage and is looking for answers on how to make things better.
September 21, 2015
I would never want to kill my friend Lisa French who is excellent at her profession! I do think the author had some interesting ideas. Some really resonated, some have been said before so I don't think she can take credit for them, like respecting husbands and showing gratitude. Some of her premises have a motivation of selfishness and seem manipulative. Yes, it is ok for women to receive, receive, receive. Isn't it imperative that we also give of ourselves too? The principle of sacrifice is never once even alluded to. So I will take some of her ideas but keep my own definition of interdependence and marital love as ascribed by Jesus Christ as the better model.
September 21, 2016
An anitiquated view of marriage roles and responsibilities. Terrible.
April 18, 2019
Great book on marriage, relationships, and the differences between men and women. It's an excellent resource for women to learn how to negotiate win-win solutions, accept help, and take personal responsibility. It also has includes great advice on emotions, sex, and vulnerability. I especially liked the section on transforming complaints into desires. The book is marketed to women in troubled marriages, but it's also helpful to those of us who have wonderful marriages. Highly recommend.
August 11, 2021
Trite, superficial advice on how to survive in a marriage if either your or your partner want to remain emotionally stunted. This is not a transformative book. While it does have some practical ideas for how to be happy while married to a selfish person, it's not what I would recommend. I highly recommend marriage books by Gottman, one of the people this author bashes. Gottman's work is based on sound research. This book isn't.
August 27, 2015
راح أكتب ريفيو عربي إن شاء الله حتى لو لسه ما اترجم
I am extremely biased here! I love everything by Laura Doyle mainly because he advice actually work! she is truly really EMPOWERING! I am glad Laura chose a more appealing title this time! The Surrendered Wife: A Practical Guide To Finding Intimacy, Passion and Peace was a great book, but some women couldn't look beyond the title, unfortunately!
Nothing is as debilitating and soul crushing as being in a mediocre marriage! Empowering women doesn't mean acting like marriage is not important and that you can do without it! No,real empowerment is honoring this desire in every woman and equip them with the skills to create loving and intimate relationships!
I do not care how bad you think your situation is, I am here to tell you YOU CAN CHANGE IT AND ENJOY THE TRANSFORMATION TOO! pick up this book and take care of yourself
I am extremely biased here! I love everything by Laura Doyle mainly because he advice actually work! she is truly really EMPOWERING! I am glad Laura chose a more appealing title this time! The Surrendered Wife: A Practical Guide To Finding Intimacy, Passion and Peace was a great book, but some women couldn't look beyond the title, unfortunately!
Nothing is as debilitating and soul crushing as being in a mediocre marriage! Empowering women doesn't mean acting like marriage is not important and that you can do without it! No,real empowerment is honoring this desire in every woman and equip them with the skills to create loving and intimate relationships!
I do not care how bad you think your situation is, I am here to tell you YOU CAN CHANGE IT AND ENJOY THE TRANSFORMATION TOO! pick up this book and take care of yourself
September 29, 2015
Excellent advice on how to have a great relationship. Shows me where I had made mistakes in the past that hopefully I won't in the future.
July 7, 2019
So, there’s reason behind the title. It’s a pretty unfortunate title pick, for readers like me. First of all—I love therapy, and have benefitted immensely from it. I’ve never been to couples therapy, but I don’t really like the implication that marriage and family therapists are all bad at their jobs. Secondly, this is the same women who wrote The Surrendered Wife, and any feminist might be tempted to boycott the book just because of the title.
There are some questionable concepts in this book that seem kind of dated. Also, this discussion is ONLY about a male-female marriage. I think it has potential, if she were to instead say “yin” and “yang” throughout the book, rather than “husband” and “wife.” I don’t know if all relationships have that much of a clearcut dynamic, of course. But this book would be great for the person who wanted to learn to be a better yin, if their partner didn’t want to let go of being the yang.
Without getting too much into the specifics, let me just say that no one ever modeled a supremely healthy marriage communication style for me. I haven’t seen it much in books (I read mostly Young Adult, though, so I don’t know how much exposure I’ve had to married couples beyond all the Outlander books). I haven’t seen it much in the real world, since every couple out there tends to develop an individual style that works for them. Everyone has different pet peeves, everyone has different types of joy and support they get from their partners. Suffice it to say I hadn’t learned a good style for myself and my husband by observing any other couple.
I think there’s a real struggle sometimes for a woman like me, who works in the field of technology with mostly male coworkers, to take off my “work” hat and put on my “partner” hat when I get home. The parent one is easy—it isn’t so different being a self-starting responsible employee to being an authoritative yet loving parent. The wife/partner role, however, feels like it differs a lot. I don’t want to be authoritative to my husband. We’re both adults, and he already has a mom. He doesn’t need me micromanaging his life, or trying to exert control over how everything’s done.
The author, Laura Doyle, makes an interesting (and somewhat understated) point that at some time in our life, we may have learned from experiences that things only ever turn out the way we want them to when we are in control of a situation. It can be really tough for a woman who faces microaggressions EVERY DAY (real talk: this is all women, all the time) to soften up that defensive shell and be vulnerable with her partner. And that’s what it takes to release control—the courage to be vulnerable. To say, figuratively, “I trust you to handle things, and have my best interests at heart.” How many times have I “suggested” a better way (my way) to do something, in the seven years I’ve been with my husband? I think I’m being helpful. I love him, and want him to achieve greater efficiency and all that good stuff. I never wanted to admit before now that there might be a constant, implied, “Because the way you’re doing it right now is wrong” in every one of those suggestions. That’s criticism. And no one really wants to face criticism coated in helpful suggestion every damn day of their life. Constructive criticism is for your writing circles and real-talk time with your best girlfriends. It feels kind of cruel to do it to your partner all the time.
(Big Aside: An exception to this would be calling out sexism and microaggressions. As a feminist, I think it’s super important for me to call to task those around me, when I recognize sexist remarks, or thoughtless microaggressions. How else are we going to bring the rest of the world around to exercising true equality?)
Doyle explains her Six Intimacy Skills, and I have to be honest that I don’t even remember what the six skills are, even though I just finished reading the book last night. What I learned from most were the examples given in all the little sections of each chapter. Potentially real scenarios, contrasting the way you might be tempted to communicate with your partner, with the way that you could respectfully communicate with them. Honestly, who doesn’t want to treat their partner with respect? That sounds like an awesome goal.
For me, this book came along at the right time, and seemed to fit well with the type of joy I want to get out of my marriage. I have a forceful personality, as an Aries woman, and my husband has a strong personality as well, as a Taurus male. We butt heads a lot. It’s nice to get this reminder that I can soften up, be vulnerable with him in a way that I’m not with a lot of other people. There’s also an interesting chapter on receiving help/compliments/gifts more graciously, which is something I’m going to need a lot of practice with to get good at. It’s too easy to brush compliments aside if I don’t agree with them. Which is just another way to keep myself from celebrating myself when I deserve it. As if I’m not allowed to let myself be happy and confident. :/
I think this book would be great for a partner who finds themselves complaining a lot about the small things. The division of chores, managing money, gift giving, even driving styles. There’s a lot of useful, helpful information in here on how to craft a better approach to communication with a partner. If you can look past some of the more binary aspects of her discourse, and take the concepts that seem outdated with a grain of salt, you might just get exactly what you need.
True story: I’m pretty darn frustrated at this book for fixing problems in my relationship in just a few weeks that I’ve been trying to fix myself for SEVEN YEARS. It’s hard to acknowledge that I might have been part of the problem for so long. I’m good at not backing down from my position of strength and control. That hasn’t done much to really encourage equality and joy between me and my husband. We’ve gotten by just fine, of course—but things are even better now.
This and other reviews by me can be found at www.annaimber.com
There are some questionable concepts in this book that seem kind of dated. Also, this discussion is ONLY about a male-female marriage. I think it has potential, if she were to instead say “yin” and “yang” throughout the book, rather than “husband” and “wife.” I don’t know if all relationships have that much of a clearcut dynamic, of course. But this book would be great for the person who wanted to learn to be a better yin, if their partner didn’t want to let go of being the yang.
Without getting too much into the specifics, let me just say that no one ever modeled a supremely healthy marriage communication style for me. I haven’t seen it much in books (I read mostly Young Adult, though, so I don’t know how much exposure I’ve had to married couples beyond all the Outlander books). I haven’t seen it much in the real world, since every couple out there tends to develop an individual style that works for them. Everyone has different pet peeves, everyone has different types of joy and support they get from their partners. Suffice it to say I hadn’t learned a good style for myself and my husband by observing any other couple.
I think there’s a real struggle sometimes for a woman like me, who works in the field of technology with mostly male coworkers, to take off my “work” hat and put on my “partner” hat when I get home. The parent one is easy—it isn’t so different being a self-starting responsible employee to being an authoritative yet loving parent. The wife/partner role, however, feels like it differs a lot. I don’t want to be authoritative to my husband. We’re both adults, and he already has a mom. He doesn’t need me micromanaging his life, or trying to exert control over how everything’s done.
The author, Laura Doyle, makes an interesting (and somewhat understated) point that at some time in our life, we may have learned from experiences that things only ever turn out the way we want them to when we are in control of a situation. It can be really tough for a woman who faces microaggressions EVERY DAY (real talk: this is all women, all the time) to soften up that defensive shell and be vulnerable with her partner. And that’s what it takes to release control—the courage to be vulnerable. To say, figuratively, “I trust you to handle things, and have my best interests at heart.” How many times have I “suggested” a better way (my way) to do something, in the seven years I’ve been with my husband? I think I’m being helpful. I love him, and want him to achieve greater efficiency and all that good stuff. I never wanted to admit before now that there might be a constant, implied, “Because the way you’re doing it right now is wrong” in every one of those suggestions. That’s criticism. And no one really wants to face criticism coated in helpful suggestion every damn day of their life. Constructive criticism is for your writing circles and real-talk time with your best girlfriends. It feels kind of cruel to do it to your partner all the time.
(Big Aside: An exception to this would be calling out sexism and microaggressions. As a feminist, I think it’s super important for me to call to task those around me, when I recognize sexist remarks, or thoughtless microaggressions. How else are we going to bring the rest of the world around to exercising true equality?)
Doyle explains her Six Intimacy Skills, and I have to be honest that I don’t even remember what the six skills are, even though I just finished reading the book last night. What I learned from most were the examples given in all the little sections of each chapter. Potentially real scenarios, contrasting the way you might be tempted to communicate with your partner, with the way that you could respectfully communicate with them. Honestly, who doesn’t want to treat their partner with respect? That sounds like an awesome goal.
For me, this book came along at the right time, and seemed to fit well with the type of joy I want to get out of my marriage. I have a forceful personality, as an Aries woman, and my husband has a strong personality as well, as a Taurus male. We butt heads a lot. It’s nice to get this reminder that I can soften up, be vulnerable with him in a way that I’m not with a lot of other people. There’s also an interesting chapter on receiving help/compliments/gifts more graciously, which is something I’m going to need a lot of practice with to get good at. It’s too easy to brush compliments aside if I don’t agree with them. Which is just another way to keep myself from celebrating myself when I deserve it. As if I’m not allowed to let myself be happy and confident. :/
I think this book would be great for a partner who finds themselves complaining a lot about the small things. The division of chores, managing money, gift giving, even driving styles. There’s a lot of useful, helpful information in here on how to craft a better approach to communication with a partner. If you can look past some of the more binary aspects of her discourse, and take the concepts that seem outdated with a grain of salt, you might just get exactly what you need.
True story: I’m pretty darn frustrated at this book for fixing problems in my relationship in just a few weeks that I’ve been trying to fix myself for SEVEN YEARS. It’s hard to acknowledge that I might have been part of the problem for so long. I’m good at not backing down from my position of strength and control. That hasn’t done much to really encourage equality and joy between me and my husband. We’ve gotten by just fine, of course—but things are even better now.
This and other reviews by me can be found at www.annaimber.com
April 4, 2018
Wow. I read this book as part of a reading challenge in which one of the books I had to read was "a book targeted at the other gender". This book is aimed at women seeking a fulfilling marriage relationship. The author describes the dynamics of the husband-wife relationship in marriage very well and her insights and advice must be regarded as radical in today's society. As a man and husband, I found that she understands how men feel and react when their wives treat them in different ways. Laura Doyle has found the key to "unlocking" the best behaviour and affections in husbands. Although Laura Doyle does not identify herself as a Christian and some comments in her book are definitely not Christian, the main arguments and advice in her book are very biblical. An extremely important and helpful book that I would recommend to any wife. As a husband, I would love to read a book on marriage by Laura Doyle's husband John.
May 8, 2017
it took me a long time to get through this book. i did put the practices into play, but honestly didn't see a true assist. i felt as though the book was too unclear. no instructions on how to implement this in daily life, no clear path. just a lot off go to the website bs to try and suck you into spending more money on instructor or mentor or whatever. stone off the things did work but to keep them working is damn near impossible. the otger half needs to make their own changes, this i felt sent a message of change howa yippy do things and a happy marriage will follow. however this is not the case. i guess if it works for you great. for me it was stifling and anxiety ridden. no thank you
June 19, 2017
Very much enjoyed this and found it very helpful and useful. It is amazing how powerful I am as a woman and how many years I did nothing with my power. This taught me how to care for myself and meet my needs and how to let go of everything else. I have no power to change my partner. And yet these changes i made in myself was enough that it completely changed how my spouse interacted with me. Highly recommend.
April 13, 2016
This book is very similar to her previous book, The Surrendered Wife. Although she does phrase things in new terminology (not sure why). New stories of woman she has helped are included. If I hadn't her first book so recently I may not have noticed that this book is more like an update than an
original work. It is an encouraging read.
original work. It is an encouraging read.
December 22, 2016
There were some pieces of good advice in this book, and for that it was a worthwhile read. (Self-care and affirmations) But there were also a number of things that just didn't apply to my marriage or seemed like no-brainers that we were already doing. And there were a few things that totally rubbed me the wrong way or that I flat-out disagreed with. And the repetitiveness got annoying.
May 18, 2021
This was an interesting book to read. I have to say that I haven't read a lot of these sorts of marital advice books in my life, and this was targeted at women. Even still, this was an excellent read, and made me understand how women perceive men.
Overall, I can say that Laura Doyle seems to have a good understanding of how men work.
Overall, I can say that Laura Doyle seems to have a good understanding of how men work.
September 7, 2015
Some good points but some things that really irritated me! I thought by the end the author would have me wiping my husbands ass!!!
September 25, 2017
The book was alright until the author suggested giving husbands control of all the money in the relationship. I lost interest after this.
January 20, 2024
Great book but her empowered wives is my favorite!
November 12, 2021
If you read this book, do so with a giant block of salt. The author unnecessarily bashes the marriage therapy industry and more. Her six skills seem helpful and promising, but they are tainted by her attitude toward counseling and relationship skill-building. I had hoped she would teach skills in tandem with science backed methods such as Gottman, but it was sadly not the case.
September 14, 2018
I would have gone with 2.5 if half stars were an option. While I really liked the premise of the book & found there were some great takeaways for not just my marriage, but life in general (e.g. trying to control things because we have a fear that we can’t control), there were some aspects I strongly disagreed with and/or strongly disliked.
I found some of the examples weak and especially didn’t like the rationale for some (particularly the ones that involved parenting). I didn’t like that it felt like a constant plug for her website and coaching. I didn’t like that she lumps all marriage counselors into sending you towards divorce (with no factual evidence). Even my husband who is a coach says that there is time for counseling.
I think my overall dislike of the book stems from a difference of viewpoint. I believe that our spouses are intended to help us on our journey to get to heaven. Therefore, there are some moral issues that are on our “page” as the wife (e.g. pornography). And as a parent, you need to be on the same “page” about things so you present a united front. However, I think you can take skills from the rest of the book to learn how to appropriately do that.
On the other hand, however, my husband and I are in a great spot in our marriage, and a few of these things we already do, so I do think there is some value in the book for those who are struggling.
I found some of the examples weak and especially didn’t like the rationale for some (particularly the ones that involved parenting). I didn’t like that it felt like a constant plug for her website and coaching. I didn’t like that she lumps all marriage counselors into sending you towards divorce (with no factual evidence). Even my husband who is a coach says that there is time for counseling.
I think my overall dislike of the book stems from a difference of viewpoint. I believe that our spouses are intended to help us on our journey to get to heaven. Therefore, there are some moral issues that are on our “page” as the wife (e.g. pornography). And as a parent, you need to be on the same “page” about things so you present a united front. However, I think you can take skills from the rest of the book to learn how to appropriately do that.
On the other hand, however, my husband and I are in a great spot in our marriage, and a few of these things we already do, so I do think there is some value in the book for those who are struggling.
August 31, 2018
I listened to this book on audible and I felt this was a book that would have benefited from a narrator that was not the author. It also took a long time to actually begin talking about and identifying the six intimacy skills. I am happily married and always enjoy reading books that help strengthen my marriage even further. There were several thought provoking ideas that I felt I could integrate right away. But other principles in the book seemed a little basic...... stop treating your spouse like he is a naughty child and you are his mother. But the part that really lowered my star rating, was when she starts talking about verbal and emotional abuse and the role the woman may be playing in that issue. While I agree that spousal arguments can become ugly and less than fair at times, and her points can be well-taken in those types of occasional arguments, the idea that a woman is doing something to trigger her spouse and that she is complicit in her own abuse is something I cannot agree with. Perhaps I am extra sensitive right now because my last read was specifically about abusive marriages and how women can escape that situation, but I feel like it is criminal to make a woman feel, even more than she might already feel, that her abuse is her own fault.
May 2, 2020
Not married, but newly engaged and wanting to build a strong marriage from the start. I think the 6 intimacy skills the author touts are definitely something I needed to learn. As a strong, independent woman, I needed to hear how this may have also bled into my relationship and I might be controlling instead of being a partner. I’m happy I read this and I plan to implement these new skills into our relationship. I gave the book 4 stars because there are a few points I whole heartedly disagree with the author, to the point of disgust. The author makes a statement about millennials accepting transgender people and how this is harmful. Uncalled for. And then goes on to claim only men can raise boys to be men. There are plenty of single women raising boys to be fantastic men. And the whole part about men have their own culture and we women need to accept it... that’s what leads to rape culture, that’s what leads to little boys harming little girls when they have a crush.
It’s only one chapter I had a problem with, the rest of the book is a gem.
It’s only one chapter I had a problem with, the rest of the book is a gem.
December 7, 2017
This book saved my 10 years marriage that was about to end. I recommend it to every woman who is married, divorced or thinking of getting married. I wish I had known the six intimacy skills before I got married, it would have saved us 10 years of strife and disharmony. My marriage has completely broken down and the lessons I have learnt and am applying from this book is slowly piecing my marriage back together.
Laura Doyle is on a mission to end world divorce and she will if every wife applied these principles.
Recommended for sexless marriages and marriages where women feel like they are doing everything or married the wrong guy or who feel their husbands are losers. It's never to late to make him fall head over heels with you again and become the man you want him to be- to ignite his hero gene
Laura Doyle is on a mission to end world divorce and she will if every wife applied these principles.
Recommended for sexless marriages and marriages where women feel like they are doing everything or married the wrong guy or who feel their husbands are losers. It's never to late to make him fall head over heels with you again and become the man you want him to be- to ignite his hero gene
June 19, 2019
Positives: Two positive messages: (1) You can make yourself happy, and you should focus on how you can do so instead of hoping your partner (or anyone else) will make you happy, and (2) Coaching - focusing on the positives and emphasizing/expanding these in your relationship is more helpful than counseling - focusing on the negatives and working through these.
However, almost half the book focused on plugging her website and programs, another quarter of it was on exaggerated case studies that were basically fear mongering, and then a smaller portion of the book was actually productive.
However, almost half the book focused on plugging her website and programs, another quarter of it was on exaggerated case studies that were basically fear mongering, and then a smaller portion of the book was actually productive.
June 20, 2016
Great book
Loved it, principals that work from day 1.. I've recommended to everyone. Married happily or not engaged, dating or you just want to better any relationship this is the book to help get it done..
Loved it, principals that work from day 1.. I've recommended to everyone. Married happily or not engaged, dating or you just want to better any relationship this is the book to help get it done..
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