The Cost of Quiet: How to Have the Hard Conversations That Create Secure, Lasting Love

by Colette Jane Fehr

An empowering, healing guide that reveals the true cost of avoidant behavior in a relationship—disconnection, disengagement, and divorce—and shows how we can instead learn to speak up and start connecting with the ones we love most.

“I wish I had spoken up sooner."

People think relationships fail because of deal breakers like infidelity, finances, or parenting problems. But the real culprit is often much less emotional disconnection after years of staying silent and avoiding conflict. We’re afraid to say what we need because we worry about what will come next.

Avoidant behavior—the need to “keep the peace” rather than dealing with conflict head on—isn’t our fault. Our ingrained attachment wiring urges us to sidestep day-to-day disputes and brush lingering problems under the rug. But silence is a losing proposition in the long term, leading us to self-abandon and essentially “quiet quit” our relationships.

We can make another choice. In The Cost of Quiet, licensed marriage and family therapist Colette Jane Fehr shines a light on the epidemic of avoidant behavior and how to overcome it. Drawing from the latest attachment science and evidence-based therapies she’s used to repair the bond between hundreds of couples, Fehr gives us the tools to approach those we love with openness, honesty, and vulnerability. The ultimate a securely attached relationship that engages with conflict productively, and the confidence that comes from speaking up and being heard—because a good relationship is worth fighting for.

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Parenting

272 pages, Hardcover

Expected publication February 3, 2026

About the author

LMFT LMHC

Reviews

[Dena Pistor · Rating 5 out of 5]

From the very beginning of The Cost of Quiet, I felt deeply connected to Colette Carlson’s words, especially when she wrote about how many of us are terrified of conflict. That opening truth immediately resonated with me. I’ve often struggled with avoiding confrontation, thinking silence would keep the peace, but this book helped me see the hidden cost of that quiet.
Colette offers practical, compassionate strategies that have truly made a difference in how I approach difficult conversations. Her insights have allowed me to lean into discomfort and communicate with more confidence. The questions and reflections at the end of each chapter are thought-provoking and powerful. I found myself ending many nights journaling my answers to those prompts, which often led to moments of self-discovery.
The section that impacted me most was about being triggered. Colette’s guidance helped me recognize my own patterns and how quickly I can react when I feel misunderstood or challenged. Through her exercises, I learned to pause, reflect, and respond with greater awareness. That shift alone has improved both my personal and professional relationships, although it hasn't been easy.
Overall, The Cost of Quiet opened my eyes to the many consequences of staying silent. It reminded me that avoiding conflict often creates more harm than good. This book has not only helped me strengthen communication within my marriage, but it’s also given me valuable tools to use in my daily work with clients.
Colette’s words are both challenging and encouraging, and I would recommend this book to anyone ready to find their voice and embrace honest, healthy communication.

[Dorian · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Cost of Quiet is a deeply insightful and well written guide that addresses the idea that silence and avoidance are the biggest culprits in the demise of many long-term relationships. The book discusses patterns of behavior that function to temporarily “keep the peace” and the damage these choices have on the inner workings of an intimate relationship over time, eroding emotional closeness. This book not only names these detrimental patterns, but also provides actionable steps toward overcoming them and thus attaining more secure connection, more emotional safety and a greater chance for deeper intimacy within close relationships. What a valuable resource in these harried days of so much avoidance and disconnection. Bravo to this passionate and well informed couple's therapist sharing her wisdom!

[Leah Beck · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Cost of Quiet is a MUST read— tender, honest, and full of insight. Knowing Colette, I’m not surprised by how much heart and truth she poured into these pages. A beautiful reflection on the power (and cost) of finding your voice.

[Arielle Joy]

📝 heard about this book from the author’s Substack page Secrets of a Therapist and it sounds like such an interesting read

[Laura Elizabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

Colette Fehr has an uncanny way of naming the quiet patterns that slowly unravel relationships — the avoidance, the silence, the pretending everything’s fine when it’s not. The Cost of Quiet is both a mirror and a roadmap. With clarity, compassion, and zero fluff, she helps women find their voice, speak up before resentment builds, and break free from the avoidance that kills connection. It’s part therapy session, part wake-up call, and all truth. Every couple should read this — especially every woman who’s ever swallowed her needs to keep the peace.

[Holly Stoner · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was wonderful! The concepts were very practical and helpful. I used some of the language in my relationship and was amazed at how well it worked! The book is insightful but also fun to read. It’s easy to follow and has really helped me in so many ways. I highly recommend it!

[Olivia Ambs · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a must read for anyone in a relationship of any kind. As a mother of three young children, I’ve often chosen to be quiet versus to be honest—telling myself it’s “not the right time,” or that peace is better than conflict. But as Colette says, the quiet can become an avoidance trap and can make our cave of resentment darker and darker every day.

My cave was growing very dark and then, The Cost of Quiet found me. Within a few pages, I felt profoundly seen. Colette captures the unspoken struggles of so many couples with empathy, vulnerability, and her own hard-earned wisdom. Reading this book felt like having a compassionate friend sitting beside me—someone who both understood my pain and handed me the tools to heal it.

Through the practice of “Self-Connected Communication,” I’ve shifted from wanting to scream or shut down to finding clarity, calm, and connection. I’m not just understanding my feelings—I’m finally able to express them in ways that deepen my relationship with my husband and others that are important to me in my life.

This book isn’t just for couples in crisis. It’s for anyone who’s ever felt unheard, misunderstood, or disconnected—from their partner, themselves, or other significant relationships. In my fifteen years as a therapist, I’ve never encountered guidance this practical and transformative. I know I’ll return to its lessons again and again—not only for my marriage, but for every meaningful relationship in my life. Thank you to the author for this gift.

[Jacqueline Hirsch · Rating 5 out of 5]

Tactical, yet digestible and actionable steps for supreme relationship communication. Colette Fehr's
Description and methods are easy to understand and follow with relatable examples. This book is directed towards couples, but it is clear how these same concepts can be used in the workplace, in as well as family and friend relationships. Colette Fehr shows how to thwart and resolve conflict with a few steps and of course taking the step of not losing your mind. Approaching a situation calmly when working to maintain, heal, or repair a relationship is often the hardest part for most people.

This book should really be a "how to" manual which sounds boring. However, it's a great read because of the relationship examples. You realize how crazy people's lives can be. It's clear that Collete Fehr is an expert on trauma with a specialty of repairing that trauma through open communication. Open communication isn't always artful, or beautiful. However, with the specific steps, I could see how a difficult conversation could go much better with her process.

And let's be real, we all want a little bit more inner peace in a chaotic world. Her message is, reach out with your words, and you might get what you want after all.

[Kathy Edwards · Rating 5 out of 5]

I received an advance copy of this book in exchange for my honest review. I’m not normally into the self help genre, but the Title of this book really intrigued me. By all accounts I’m a “wordy girl” who’s never been accused of not confronting any situation head on. Still I knew I needed to read it. First off, I can say that this is the first book of this type I have ever read that in someways reads more ike a novel. I find that really made it seem genuine and enjoyably readable.
Learning how to listen differently, so I can be more effective has been a benefit of reading this and it’s not just applicable for romantic relationships. I feel it has helped me to communicate more effectively with my own mother. Feeling more secure in my own relationships because I know I learned better more healthy communication behaviors. Colette brilliantly weaves between sharing the tools and sharing real life stories. The Best Part was realizing that “just like Dorothy in the WIZARD OF OZ, we already have everything we need inside of us. We’ve had the power all along! “With the little push from The Cost of Quiet, I’ll be tapping into my internal resources ( clicking my sparkly red heels together…) for all my hard conversations from now on.
Kathy

[Heather Sweeney · Rating 5 out of 5]

Colette Jane Fehr’s The Cost of Quiet is a must read for anyone in a relationship. Fehr offers clear tools to take actionable steps to improve communication with your partner in this well-written and easy to read guide. The vignettes she includes provide authentic and helpful examples to illustrate the many nuances of communication issues and how to work through them. I love her Questions for Reflection, which allows readers to dig deep into their own thoughts and behaviors in order to analyze their communication patterns with their partners before applying her advice.

I also love that the author shares about her own personal experiences throughout the book to show us that she’s both relatable as a human being and an expert as a licensed marriage and family therapist. I wish I had this book as a resource to learn how to communicate better in my marriage before my divorce, but I’m so glad I can benefit from Fehr’s wisdom now. I highly recommend The Cost of Quiet!

[Kelly Lafferman · Rating 5 out of 5]

As an individual and couples therapist, I intend to use this book as an instructive guide. Not only is the author's writing easy to read and relatable, it is full of practical tools to help the reader through difficult growth. She normalizes the reader; helping them to feel less alone. We collectively struggle with communication in our relationships. Honestly, it's often not our fault that we are so unskilled. But, she holds us accountable to accept that we are not good at hard conversations, and that we CAN get better. And we can even thrive once we find familiarity in a new way of communicating. I'm not saying she makes this sound easy. What I'm saying is that she helps the reader know that it's not only doable, it's vital to their overall wellbeing. I can't wait to share this book with colleagues, friends, and most of all my clients.

[Reader · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Cost of Quiet provides the impetus needed to trust and listen to your inner voice to harness your need for emotional connection. Shifting from focusing on what you don't like about your partner's behavior to what you need from your partner empowers the reader to speak their truth. Ms. Fehr's conceptualization that hyper-independence and over-functioning in a relationship is self-sabotaging made a profound impact on me. I learned that fighting for long-term connection over short-term comfort is vital to my happiness and contentment and being attuned to the fact that our instinctual fight or flight responses can destroy connection. This book is inspirational and thought-provoking and is a valuable resource for both mental health professionals and individuals yearning for more emotional intimacy in their relationships.

[Jill Hamilton · Rating 5 out of 5]

I can’t recommend this book highly enough. Colette is not only a great couple’s therapist, but she is an excellent writer and story-teller, bringing you into some of her couple’s sessions (of course names/details are changed). You’ll no doubt see yourself in these scenarios and gain insights and actionable strategies to enhance and/or repair your relationship(s). Or at least you’ll have the information you need to make critical decisions. As a therapist, I will be recommending this book to my clients, friends – to all!

[Karmen Coates · Rating 5 out of 5]

I cannot recommend this book enough. I enjoyed it so much that I bought a copy for my closest friends. Colette did a wonderful job grabbing my attention right from the start. The book was incredibly easy to read, fun, relatable, and thought provoking. I have been married for just shy of 25 years and still struggle at times with openly expressing my thoughts and feelings to my husband. After reading this book, I have made a concerted effort to not be “quiet.” And guess what, it has gone well. I will forever use the tools she has provided in her book!!!

[Brandi Nickerson · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Cost of Quiet really struck a chord with me. Colette Fehr has such a warm, thoughtful way of helping readers see themselves in her stories and reflections. Even before finishing the book, I found myself thinking differently about how I communicate — and how often I stay quiet to “keep the peace.” It’s insightful, real, and full of gentle reminders that using your voice can change everything. A wonderful, encouraging read.

[Tracy H. · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Cost Of Quiet is a powerful exploration of communication and truly a must-read for every couple. Through countless relatable real-life examples and her own personal story, Fehr demonstrates constructive ways to approach your partner, and provides meaningful ways to express your thoughts and feelings. She explains what effective communication looks like and how to break old habits and patterns in order to achieve it. I believe everyone would benefit from reading this important book.

[Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

Eye-opening! The Cost of Quiet is a roadmap for navigating marriage and relationships in order to achieve a more fulfilling partnership. I was overcome by how relatable these communication issues are with so many couples. It gives you hope and more importantly the tools to take the steps towards bonding with your partner at a deeper level. Thank you Colette Fehr for writing this book and sharing your personal experiences and expertise!

[Catherine Ellspermann · Rating 5 out of 5]

I learned so much from this book. I love how the author writes about her experience as a marriage counselor, while also weaving in stories about her own relationships, along with research and helpful action steps and tools - big takeaways! Colette’s authentic voice jumps off the page. She cares so much about helping people communicate better. Her passion shines in this book. I highly recommend it.

[Jacqueline Hughes · Rating 5 out of 5]

Colette masters this topic! She’s so descriptive in her writing you feel as though you’re present in the room. She keeps you on the edge of your seat as she navigates the complex topics of communication, conflict, resentment, and reconciliation in an entertaining approach. She dives deep into the cost of not asserting your needs as many have been programmed by culture to abandon ourselves for the sake of our children, spouses, etc. to be seen as acceptable. 5 star read!

[V Led · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed The Cost of Quiet. Colette writes in a way that feels relatable and grounded, like you’re talking with a trusted friend who also happens to know what she’s doing. The insights are practical without being overwhelming, and the tone is compassionate rather than preachy. If you care about your relationships and want to communicate more clearly and confidently, this book is well worth the read.

[Patti Oates · Rating 5 out of 5]

I picked this up expecting a typical communication book and was pleasantly surprised! I really appreciated how practical and usable it is. This isn’t just another book on communication—it offers real, actionable guidance you can apply in day-to-day life, whether in a marriage, friendship, or any close relationship. A thoughtful read with lasting takeaways.

[Reader · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was genuinely excited to read this book, and it did not disappoint. Its message resonated with me right away, and I felt a deep personal connection throughout. The book provides powerful insight and practical tools to help improve not only your relationships with others, but also the one you have with yourself.

[Lisa Dullmeyer · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was so excited to read this book, and it did not disappoint. From the very beginning, its message resonated deeply with me, creating an immediate personal connection. The book offers meaningful insight and practical tools not only to strengthen relationships with others, but also to improve your relationship with yourself. It is truly a must-read.

[Donna Oh · Rating 5 out of 5]

I highly recommended this book as a resource for all types of relationships. Colette offers insightful and wise advice on communicating needs and feelings in a safe and loving manner. This book is so helpful in understanding a negative communication cycle and how to exit it to a more healthy relationship. She is a talented therapist and a must-read author.

[Meredith Gibbs · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a necessary book. I started this and have been reading a few pages with my 18 year old twins and husband. Then we discuss. Difficult conversations have to be had and they have to be taught to do them without causing more harm than good. Communication skills have to be homed and learned.

[Reader · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such an amazing book written by a wonderful author. Colette clearly is passionate about teaching others through her life experiences!
Her passion for others is shown throughout the book!
I highly recommend reading The Cost of Quiet!

[Tango Temptress · Rating 5 out of 5]

Incredible book. Well written; easy to read. Has wonderful examples. Draws you in and keeps you turning pages. This is a must read. The information in it is incredibly valuable.

[Sara · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a practical book for everyone. It gets straight to the point about why we stay silent and how that 'quiet' eventually becomes a wall between us and the people we love. A "must read".