Romance Is Like That

by Liian Varus

Caroline loves Dave. Dave loves Caroline. They're Caucasian, and there's a problem... No, not them being Caucasian, something else. Dave also loves business. Caroline wants nothing more than for Dave to see what she looks like below her navel, but Dave never gives her enough allotted time for that to happen. He's always so busy with business. Dave has to be careful, because Caroline has this stupid friend, Brenda, that I really hate and she wants Caroline to herself. She wants Dave super dead and out of the picture for good. Wait. There's more. Business hates Caroline, because she keeps trying to get Dave to miss important deadlines, so they can have sexy fun times together. Dave and Caroline seriously need to get their act together before Brenda and Business destroy their love. That would be bad. Why? Because romance isn't like that. Luckily for our lovebirds, they have a secret weapon - Mortimer, a crafty goldfish who is amazing at coming up with brilliant plans. But can his plans save the lovers from turmoil and chaos, or will Brenda and Business succeed in obliterating the potential for the greatest love story ever to be told?

There's also a cat named Cheddar in the story. He's great.

Genres: Romance, Humor

105 pages, Paperback

Published May 1, 2025

Reviews

[Keri · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Velocipastor of Romance Novels

This is disturbingly brilliant. It took me an entire day to finish the first chapter because I had to stop after each paragraph to alternately laugh and question every decision I ever made that led me to reading this book. By the time I reached the end, I had sore muscles everywhere from laughing so hard. I had tears running down my face. And then, the very last line had me barely able to breathe. Well done, author.

[Renée - ChaoticBookVibes · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think I died a few times of laughter. My husband also liked it. Not that he had a choice. I just kept reading out loud and forcing him to listen. He laughed so it’s all good.

[Rachel · Rating 4 out of 5]

"Fuck your selfish need for precise storytelling" - Liian Varus, Romance is Like That

this is peek top tier romance comedy. who needs therapy when you can defeat Business and discover what Caroline looks like below her navel.

no judgements. because romance is like that.

also someone please check on Brenda.

[Laura · Rating 4 out of 5]

This made me laugh out loud so many times. I wish more books were written like this.

[CeeCee Elaine · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a hilarious reminder that, yes, romance is, in fact, like that.
I felt like I was having a horrifying but sexy fever dream after taking too many walmart melatonin—scared and weirdly turned on at the same time. If you like Rollercoasters, irony, and people shoving down their emotions with comedy, this book is probably for you! And if you don't buy it, you probably just don't like fun. *cough,BRENDA,cough*

[E.K.Moore · Rating 5 out of 5]

Comedy GOLD

I don't even know where to start. This book was a lot. Like A LOT a lot.

The misogyny gets old quickly, but you're swiftly distracted by some other f*cked up sh*t that comes totally out of left field.

I cannot lie, I about DIED at the very last sentence of this book because... Wtaf???

[Phrique · Rating 5 out of 5]

It’s good to expand your horizons. To take the road less traveled sometimes, right? All I legitimately read is horror & write it as well. My writing journey has led me to write some of the most depraved/harrowing/traumatizing scenes I could imagine. Yet, I know deep down inside—past the gore-hound/phobophile—rests a powerful creature at the very core of my being: a silly goose.🪿 Which is who got his fill reading Romance is Like That by Liian Varus, in abundance! To the point, he gorged on the absurdity & the WTF-ness; but he prevailed & finished one hell of a book. (Didn’t think I was gunna nail that segue did ya? Oh ye of little faith.)

Quick Synopsis:
Go read the actual synopsis, I legit can’t compete with that.

I will go out on a limb to say that this is horror-adjacent, if you must classify such a work of pure extraordinary comedy. The descriptions are on par with some of the finest body horror scenes I’ve witnessed & then some. This book was without a doubt the most insane, absurd, unhinged book I have ever read & I LOL’d far too often. At least once a page. I want take the time out now to apologize to my friends who didn’t block me (the rest can choke) while I read this, because I was sending screenshots the whole time. I legit highlighted half of the book. I first heard about it making romance book clubs rage & crash out, so I said GIMME GIMME & I thoroughly enjoyed my time with it. Is this for everyone? No. Is this for most? Also no. Is this for fucked up silly gooses? HONK. Double honk actually. While we are back on the driving metaphor: reading “speed bumps” are not usually a good thing. They’re those weird mental record scratch moments you encounter in a story that make your brain grab for the “oh shit” handles b/c that makes no sense?? Well, I encountered about 14 of those in the 1st page. Which made for a bumpy ride. My shocks are fucked. Yet I have no regrets & highly recommend it…to people who laugh at farts & people falling down, basically. GO READ IT!

P.s. FUCKING BRENDA.

[Ari · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the funniest book I’ve ever read in my life. It was disturbing, it was hilarious, the writing was so funny.

[Nichole Johnson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Unhinged in the BEST and Most Hilarious Way

I sat staring at the black box in the “Before You Go” section of my Kindle app for hours, trying to figure out how to begin reviewing the fever dream I had just witnessed, like some voyeur outside the bathroom glory hole. Well, not really. I had a Cadbury and took a nap. But I thought about it. And continued thinking about it.

In this story, every character thinks they are the main character, including the author himself, but at its beautiful little core, it is a love story between two best friends who can't seem to get things right as life, business, and a birch named Brenda keeps getting in the way.

Having connected with this author through his brutal and heart-destroying poetry, I was not expecting this level of satirical, silly, and downright hilarious prose. And hot dang if it isn’t romantic and quite a bit spicy.

It is short but doesn’t seem rushed. You feel like you get a full and complete arc. If you love satire and irreverent humor, I recommend you discover what romance is like in the world of Dave and Caroline, two crazy kids who know they are meant to be.

[Dan Anderson]

This book is bound ok, no pages fell out during my read.
It has helpful advice on the cover.

This is likely the most quotable book I own.

I enjoyed it so much that I will likely inflict it upon others.
Errr... I meant, "share with."
Perhaps so that they will enjoy it also.
Perhaps so that they will learn to supervise their bookshelves more closely in the future.

This book should be made into a movie, as the author suggests.
Film festivals love this sort of story.
We should not disappoint them.
Film festivals are a lot of work.

Edited to add: This is even better read aloud.

[McKayla Balliet · Rating 4 out of 5]

i don't typically write reviews, however, this was comedy gold. I was alternating between laughing out loud and cringing at the same time 😂😂😂. I'm trying to think of a way to compare it and the closest I can come is this is like Spaceballs and Scary Movie of romantic satire, just in word form. Cheddar and Mortimer were my favorite. If your looking for a quick read thats guaranteed to make your day this is the Novella for you.

[Erica · Rating 3 out of 5]

I honestly don't know how to rate this book. Did I read it from cover to cover in 24 hours? Yes. Did I giggle out loud from the ridiculous adult themed humor? Absolutely. Can I give high marks to a stream of writing that seems like a high end middle schooler with waaay too much knowledge of hormones wrote it? I don't know. Funny. Ridiculous. Low-brow. Yet enjoyable. 3.5 stars?

[Brittany (booksandbottles) · Rating 1 out of 5]

I wanted to DNF this book so bad. I took one for the team for our book group so no one else had to read this. I just can’t even. It started out stupid funny, and then by 25% I was just over it. Half the time you don’t even know what you’re reading.

Yeah, I understand it’s supposed to be satire, but it’s not. It’s just dumb.

[Laura B · Rating 3 out of 5]

I... have no words. this feels like nightvales very unhinged, very horny cousin. Throughout a big chunk of this, I didn't even know what was going on but it was great. in a terrible way. but great.

[Donna · Rating 4 out of 5]

crazy and funny.

[Carolynne aka Saucy Chicken · Rating 5 out of 5]

What did I just read?!
This was like a fever dream....in the absolute best way possible! I laughed almost the entire way through this book. It was freaking incredible.

Listen, this is not a literary masterpiece. It is, however, the best satire I have ever read. And in that regard, it is an absolute masterpiece!!

Character development? Not even a little. World building? Who needs it! Logical plot development? What plot!

Breaking through the fourth wall? The fourth wall doesn't exist in this book!!

Go into this book knowing it's not that serious. Nothing is that serious. If you're not up for stupid sh!t, don't read it. You're a snob, and no one likes you anyway. But if you love outlandish, ridiculous, makes absolutely no sense at all, kind of books, we can be friends.

I whole-heartedly support this book.

[Kez · Rating 5 out of 5]

10/10 – no notes. This was a masterpiece. I regret nothing.

I had absolutely no idea what I was getting myself into when I started this book, but it ended up being so much better than I ever could have imagined. I laughed out loud more times than I can count, and my poor family and friends were regularly subjected to overly enthusiastic retellings of the scenes that really got me.

This was unlike anything I’ve read before and ended up being the perfect palate cleanser between heavier books.

We’re introduced to Dave and Caroline and their much-needed “below the navel” adventure that simply is not happening thanks to Brenda and Business (it makes sense in the book, I promise). Oh, and there’s also a cat and a fish who plot, scheme, and generally engage in absolute debauchery.

So worth the read. Do yourself a favour and get to it.

[Lavvy Jean · Rating 5 out of 5]

This novella offered me invaluable comfort, inspiration, and insight during a dark time in my life. The author adeptly experiments with language, conjuring vivid and novel images inside of my brain-flaps. I've never read anything so harrowing.

I want to add quotes, but I'd just end up pasting the entire book. Thank you Liian for making me smile, it was like reading a cartoon. Also Brenda was written with such morbid detail and vitriol I wonder if the author was channeling real life frustrations through this character. At one point she was randomly described as having hoofs which was so fucking funny. I think my favorite character was Cheddar the Cat. Thank you again for writing the actual funniest shit I've ever read. It's brilliant

[W. Chan · Rating 4 out of 5]

A blue-as-fuck indie trainwreck that no self-respecting publisher would ever touch without bursting its fragile little blubble. The whole thing is served raw, which is fine for fish but more often than not, RILT more closely resembles chicken.

A good thing it happens to be blisteringly funny. Don't try to read or understand this madness; just fucking experience it.

Complete disassembly of Varus' lovely mess here.

[Holly Burger]

As fellow reviewer Keri accurately said- this is the VelociPastor of ‘romance’ novels 😂
I knew going into this it wouldn’t be good but I just couldn’t help myself from checking it out. A few times I questioned myself why I continued to read this silly and sometimes disturbing novella but with as short as it is I decided I needed to know how it ended, and man, plot twist I did not expect. Over all it gave the husband and I a couple of laughs, would I read it again? No.

[Amy Weaver · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you pretend this is a real romance story - 1 Star
What the hell did I just read factor- 5 Stars

This tiny book has more weirdness in its first chapter than most books could ever dream of.
But who am I to try and convey what this story truly is? Mortimer is here to do that, go on little buddy let the people know what they are getting themselves into.

M- Blub, blub blub blub blub blub, blub blub blub.....BLUB!

I could not have summed it up better myself.

[Jukebox · Rating 5 out of 5]

I saw someone on here call this book the “velocipastor of romance novels” and as an unironic lover of that movie I had to read this book. So if you are in to fourth wall breaks, reading a book that makes the word business meaningless from how much you will read the word. (Comes second only to the word blub. But Mortimer is amazing don’t tell me otherwise.) Turn the book into a game… take a shot (or a gummy) anytime you read the title of the book in the book. Don’t die. Be safe.

[Amanda Watkins · Rating 5 out of 5]

I follow the author on Facebook and I bought a copy of this book to show my support. There is crude humor. The author will also chime in with his own thoughts, but I honestly expected this to be a thing.

This book is a hot mess of craziness. I frequently found myself laughing at all of the absurdity. I loved this book, it is so unhinged. I can't wait for the next one to come out.

[Lesley Woodral · Rating 5 out of 5]

Delightfully chaotic!

I rarely review, but I felt the need on this one. ROMANCE IS LIKE THAT is a fever dream of an erotic tale, crafted in a way that brings to mind writers like Hunter Thompson or Joseph Heller. I laughed out loud in all the wrong places and had a grand time doing it! They might have to create a new genre for this one!

[Rebecca Richards · Rating 1 out of 5]

I pushed through to finish this but a book under 200 pages took me a week when it takes me that long for 500 plus( I have kids so don’t get much reading time). The writing was annoying to me, my personal opinion, and I just hoped it was going to get better and never did.
Again just my personal opinion. But I’ll never read this again.

[Roseen Faragher · Rating 3 out of 5]

Having read some of his poetry books, I was excited to read this spoof romance novel. He's funny and some of the jokes are brilliant, but after a while it becomes too much. It rather feels like being bashed over the head with the same set of jokes over and over again. He's a brilliant poet, and the first few chapters of the book had me in stitches. It just became repetitive after a while.

[NickMohr · Rating 4 out of 5]

A genuinely unhinged satire of romance novels. A few of the running gags might make too many laps, but it never once bored me or lost my attention.

Short commitment, only 100 pages. I finished it in 3 days, but probably could have done it in 2 if I hadn’t put the book down so many times from incredulous laughter.

[Nif · Rating 5 out of 5]

How does one review a book as thoroughly unhinged as this? I laughed, not only from the humor, but also confusion and varying levels of shame for reading something I couldn't - in my wildest alcohol or drug fueled mania - write myself.
What is happening in this book? I'll never be able to explain it.
It's hilarious.
You should read it.
I have no bloody idea how this book was published.

[Krista Delperdang · Rating 4 out of 5]

I laughed so hard at how unhinged this novella is. I never knew how much I needed a satirical romance in my life. Cheddar might be my favorite character. If you can appreciate a depraved, self-loathing, descriptive, romance story... this is probably for you because reading is like that.

[Kryssi D'Eredita · Rating 3 out of 5]

That was a horrible, yet amazing mess of contradictions. Did I love it? Did I hate it? Yes, no.. maybe? So I’m giving it a 3, right down the middle.
Just OMG. And the last line was just the icing on the proverbial cake.