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My Body Is Yours: A Memoir
Lambda Literary Award finalist
Michael V. Smith is a multi-talented force of nature: a novelist, poet, improv comic, filmmaker, drag queen, performance artist, and occasional clown. In this, his first work of nonfiction, Michael traces his early years as an inadequate male—a fey kid growing up in a small town amid a blue-collar family; a sissy; an insecure teenager desperate to disappear; and an obsessive writer-performer, drawn to compulsions of alcohol, sex, reading, spending, work, and art as many means to cope and heal.
Drawing on his work as an artist whose work focuses on our preconceived notions about the body, this disarming and intriguing memoir questions what it means to be human. Michael asks: How can we know what a man is? How might understanding gender as metaphor be a tool for a deeper understanding of identity? In coming to terms with his past failures at masculinity, Michael offers a new way of thinking about breaking out of gender norms, and breaking free of a hurtful past.
Michael V. Smith won the inaugural Dayne Ogilvie Prize for Emerging LGBT Writers from the Writers Trust of Canada for his first novel, Cumberland. He's since published two poetry books and a second novel, Progress. He teaches creative writing in the faculty of creative and critical studies at University of British Columbia's Okanagan campus.
Michael V. Smith is a multi-talented force of nature: a novelist, poet, improv comic, filmmaker, drag queen, performance artist, and occasional clown. In this, his first work of nonfiction, Michael traces his early years as an inadequate male—a fey kid growing up in a small town amid a blue-collar family; a sissy; an insecure teenager desperate to disappear; and an obsessive writer-performer, drawn to compulsions of alcohol, sex, reading, spending, work, and art as many means to cope and heal.
Drawing on his work as an artist whose work focuses on our preconceived notions about the body, this disarming and intriguing memoir questions what it means to be human. Michael asks: How can we know what a man is? How might understanding gender as metaphor be a tool for a deeper understanding of identity? In coming to terms with his past failures at masculinity, Michael offers a new way of thinking about breaking out of gender norms, and breaking free of a hurtful past.
Michael V. Smith won the inaugural Dayne Ogilvie Prize for Emerging LGBT Writers from the Writers Trust of Canada for his first novel, Cumberland. He's since published two poetry books and a second novel, Progress. He teaches creative writing in the faculty of creative and critical studies at University of British Columbia's Okanagan campus.
240 pages, Paperback
First published April 8, 2015
6 people are currently reading
321 people want to read
About the author
Michael V. Smith
10 books26 followersMichael V. Smith is a writer, comedian, filmmaker, performance artist and occasional clown.
He also is professor creative writing at the University of British Columbia.
He also is professor creative writing at the University of British Columbia.
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Displaying 1 - 27 of 27 reviews
May 27, 2015
This book is like a vodka laced water slide. I could not put it down or stop. A harrowing, stumbling journey down a hall of mirrors that thanks to MV Smith's bare honesty and clarion words offers the chance for recognition, acceptance and transformation. I walked out the other side of this book uncomfortable, comforted, and wanting to be a more vulnerable human being.
July 12, 2015
I've met Michael a few times and I've seen the dress one of my cousin's daughters is wearing to his wedding next month; I was predisposed to like this book. But I'm pretty sure it would have been just as excellent even without that personal connection, even without the geographical connections to Vancouver and Kelowna. Early on, after telling one of his father's stories about an undertaker drinking buddy trying to help Smith's father replace his broken dentures, he writes:
"At first, when your father tells you a story like this, it's amusing and shocking -- you're thinking you can't wait to get home to tell someone. Then a landslide of questions presents itself, all the things you can't possibly ask but are dying to know: Just how drunk were they? Maybe the undertaker wasn't drunk? How drunk would you have to be to pull a set of dentures from a bucket in an undertaker's basement and slide them into your own mouth? What did that taste like? Did they pile them up on a table as they went through the bucket? How many did he try on? Did he go through the whole bucket? How were they sorted? Were there elastic bands around each set? Were they in sandwich baggies? Had the teeth been sterilized? How long had it been since they'd been washed? Why weren't they buried with the corpses?"
In this memoir, Smith answers the landslide of questions you can't possibly ask and might not have realized you were dying to know about (among other things)
-growing up gay in a small town
-loving an alcoholic dad
-cruising in parks and bathrooms and online
-how fisting relates to haptic perception, Helen Keller, the lack of emotional range in porn, the colour of sex toys, and Susan Sontag,
-grappling with gender, and
-coping with compulstion
with candour and wit. His vulnerability and self-dissection make for a compelling and emotional read: I both laughed and cried, and now want to be more vulnerable and work on my own compulsions.
"At first, when your father tells you a story like this, it's amusing and shocking -- you're thinking you can't wait to get home to tell someone. Then a landslide of questions presents itself, all the things you can't possibly ask but are dying to know: Just how drunk were they? Maybe the undertaker wasn't drunk? How drunk would you have to be to pull a set of dentures from a bucket in an undertaker's basement and slide them into your own mouth? What did that taste like? Did they pile them up on a table as they went through the bucket? How many did he try on? Did he go through the whole bucket? How were they sorted? Were there elastic bands around each set? Were they in sandwich baggies? Had the teeth been sterilized? How long had it been since they'd been washed? Why weren't they buried with the corpses?"
In this memoir, Smith answers the landslide of questions you can't possibly ask and might not have realized you were dying to know about (among other things)
-growing up gay in a small town
-loving an alcoholic dad
-cruising in parks and bathrooms and online
-how fisting relates to haptic perception, Helen Keller, the lack of emotional range in porn, the colour of sex toys, and Susan Sontag,
-grappling with gender, and
-coping with compulstion
with candour and wit. His vulnerability and self-dissection make for a compelling and emotional read: I both laughed and cried, and now want to be more vulnerable and work on my own compulsions.
April 20, 2015
Ow, my heart!
May 24, 2016
Heavy-- good read
May 9, 2022
Whew, what a ride...open, honest, soul-bearing, relatable, and a read that had me staying up late, and getting up early to finish it! Engaging.
February 12, 2017
I picked this up as a random find in the local library. The blurb sounded interesting, but it wasn’t long before I realised this wasn’t for me. I found the style of writing awkward.
After I read that the author had had sex with “more than a couple of thousand men” (he stopped counting when he reached around 1500), I wasn’t all that interested in reading much more about him. I flipped through, and read some random paragraphs, and finally read the last few chapters about his father’s death. I didn’t find anything I could possibly relate to in the earlier chapters; I had no empathy with the author at all.
I understand that I'm probably not the target audience, so others may have a different experience.
After I read that the author had had sex with “more than a couple of thousand men” (he stopped counting when he reached around 1500), I wasn’t all that interested in reading much more about him. I flipped through, and read some random paragraphs, and finally read the last few chapters about his father’s death. I didn’t find anything I could possibly relate to in the earlier chapters; I had no empathy with the author at all.
I understand that I'm probably not the target audience, so others may have a different experience.
October 12, 2015
So brave! I couldn't put this book down. His voice is magnetic and honest, and so many of the things he shared hit me right in the heart. I'm going to hear him speak at the Vancouver Writer's fest, and I can't wait!
April 26, 2021
It feels like the book started with one story and ended with another, though the author tried to link his sexual adventures to the story of his dying alcoholic father (masculinity and addiction).
August 18, 2019
After hearing Michael V. Smith read at AWP and speaking to him briefly, I went and picked up his book at the press table. He has a striking presence in person so I bought his memoir because I wanted to hear more and deeper, and his book goes very deep. What is it to be a male gender in our society, he is a courageous soul exploring his sexuality and his gender. In his memoir he opens wide about his sex life, the Radical Faeries, and his relationship with his father up to his death and with his therapist that he has worked with intensely for awhile, stopped and went back to when his father was dying.
When I posted I was going to read this book a good friend, also a Radical Faery, said it was one of his favorites. We have writer friends in common, psyched already, once I picked it up I could not stop reading. Great writing that comes out of years of writing his confessional sex column. Intense material. Secret information openly explored (inside a Radical Faeries weekend at Breitenbush Hot Springs, for one). And near the end the concept that every book has its shadow book, that was not written. Much to feed on from his work. I wish more people would read this, it opens doors never cracked.
Some quotes:
"I somehow understood that hope put into practice was hope granted. Hope was work."
"The things that we longed for in our first moments of sexual awakening and practice are those that we fumble toward in our own adult lives. It was not an event that was a root cause of any pattern in my behaviour, but the desire behind it. Pursuing longing—an unanswerable need—is always about chasing the future. It always has consequences."
And after a role playing sex: "This man-boy had invited me into a very graphic exercise, demonstrating how my own sense of self had created a set of limitations that I hadn't seen were there."
"If you can't talk about it, you shouldn't be doing it. The inverse also became clear, of course, though it took many years of fucking up to see it: that just because I can talk about it doesn't mean it's wise to do."
"Courage doesn't call us to action. Conviction does."
"Compulsion is not sustained by novelty but by its ability to turn off our conscious mind, to distract us. The less we have to think about, the more automatic and easy it is to disengage from the present. "
"...friends only become better friends when you trust them."
When I posted I was going to read this book a good friend, also a Radical Faery, said it was one of his favorites. We have writer friends in common, psyched already, once I picked it up I could not stop reading. Great writing that comes out of years of writing his confessional sex column. Intense material. Secret information openly explored (inside a Radical Faeries weekend at Breitenbush Hot Springs, for one). And near the end the concept that every book has its shadow book, that was not written. Much to feed on from his work. I wish more people would read this, it opens doors never cracked.
Some quotes:
"I somehow understood that hope put into practice was hope granted. Hope was work."
"The things that we longed for in our first moments of sexual awakening and practice are those that we fumble toward in our own adult lives. It was not an event that was a root cause of any pattern in my behaviour, but the desire behind it. Pursuing longing—an unanswerable need—is always about chasing the future. It always has consequences."
And after a role playing sex: "This man-boy had invited me into a very graphic exercise, demonstrating how my own sense of self had created a set of limitations that I hadn't seen were there."
"If you can't talk about it, you shouldn't be doing it. The inverse also became clear, of course, though it took many years of fucking up to see it: that just because I can talk about it doesn't mean it's wise to do."
"Courage doesn't call us to action. Conviction does."
"Compulsion is not sustained by novelty but by its ability to turn off our conscious mind, to distract us. The less we have to think about, the more automatic and easy it is to disengage from the present. "
"...friends only become better friends when you trust them."
August 14, 2020
Forthright and touching. The author's account of his father's addiction and life and it's impact on the author as well as the author's addictions first to alcohol which he has recovered from and then to sex. It seems the search for one's identity can also act as an addiction. Easy to read and well-written.
January 28, 2020
A beautifully written memoir about challenging topics.
September 5, 2023
Eye opening memoir.
February 27, 2020
Abandon au tiers.
Je ne sais pas trop à quoi je m'attendais en lisant ce livre, mais certainement pas à me faire décrire une scène de fisting après quelques pages seulement.
J'ai lu Je suis Gabrielle: confessions d'une trans comblée il n'y a pas longtemps et j'avais trouvé intéressant qu'une personne trans me parle de sa vie avant, pendant et après sa transition. Comment elle se sentait, comment son entourage avait vécu l'événement, etc.
Ici, c'est plutôt l'énumération d'une série de conquêtes qu'a vécues l'auteur, avec des détails beaucoup trop personnels, que j'aurais préféré ne pas connaitre. Ne vous méprenez pas : je ne suis pas prude, ni offensée par ce que j'ai lu. Chacun vit sa vie comme il l'entend, dans le respect des autres. Mais était-ce vraiment nécessaire d'en mettre autant ? Souvent, au cours de ma lecture, je me demandais : "Mais où veut-il en venir ? Pourquoi il nous raconte tout ça ?"
Peut-être que la réponse venait plus loin, mais arrivée à un certain point, j'étais saturée et j'ai préféré arrêter.
Je ne sais pas trop à quoi je m'attendais en lisant ce livre, mais certainement pas à me faire décrire une scène de fisting après quelques pages seulement.
J'ai lu Je suis Gabrielle: confessions d'une trans comblée il n'y a pas longtemps et j'avais trouvé intéressant qu'une personne trans me parle de sa vie avant, pendant et après sa transition. Comment elle se sentait, comment son entourage avait vécu l'événement, etc.
Ici, c'est plutôt l'énumération d'une série de conquêtes qu'a vécues l'auteur, avec des détails beaucoup trop personnels, que j'aurais préféré ne pas connaitre. Ne vous méprenez pas : je ne suis pas prude, ni offensée par ce que j'ai lu. Chacun vit sa vie comme il l'entend, dans le respect des autres. Mais était-ce vraiment nécessaire d'en mettre autant ? Souvent, au cours de ma lecture, je me demandais : "Mais où veut-il en venir ? Pourquoi il nous raconte tout ça ?"
Peut-être que la réponse venait plus loin, mais arrivée à un certain point, j'étais saturée et j'ai préféré arrêter.
April 4, 2016
I would recommend this memoir for anyone thinking about masculinity. Genderqueer, trans, cis man, I think there is something anyone can get out of this novel. The author brings us along his journey shamelessly, brave, and honest in both triumphs and failures. Coming from a DIY and zine background, Smith talks about art and writing as powerful tools of self expression. PLUS Any book that lovingly and gently talks about the joys of anal fisting (within the first few chapters!) is A+ as far as I'm concerned!
So often queer books don't talk about sex, or cruising, or casual hook-ups. This is probably because so often queer sex automatically equals pornographic in societies (and publishers) eyes. But in My Body Is Yours, Smith breaks down the shame and secrecy of hooking up in parks and bathrooms. It really is only as dirty as you make it.
Smith talks about his sex addiction, a topic I've never heard discussed in queer circles. I found myself fascinated, not because it was so strange, but because it felt so familiar (not the addiction part, but definitely aspects of it).
I'm going to just go ahead and say this is one of the most unappreciated books of last year.
So often queer books don't talk about sex, or cruising, or casual hook-ups. This is probably because so often queer sex automatically equals pornographic in societies (and publishers) eyes. But in My Body Is Yours, Smith breaks down the shame and secrecy of hooking up in parks and bathrooms. It really is only as dirty as you make it.
Smith talks about his sex addiction, a topic I've never heard discussed in queer circles. I found myself fascinated, not because it was so strange, but because it felt so familiar (not the addiction part, but definitely aspects of it).
I'm going to just go ahead and say this is one of the most unappreciated books of last year.
October 12, 2015
born in Cornwall Ontario, an insecure teen, coping with his parents alcoholism and marital separation twice, he fought back with drag and out of the ordinary dress trying to discover who he was and to be unique. He moved to Toronto then Vancouver and ultimately Kelowna, and tells with brutal honesty his life and additions first to alcohol replacing that with sex. He estimates having had sex with over 2,000 men and somehow remained HIV negative.
He decides to write his story after his father’s death, still confused and hurt by his father’s lack of emotion. In the process he and his sister interview 5 uncles, one of whom reveals that his father had been sexually abused at about 12 years of age by a 15 year old and suddenly it all falls into place and Michael can understand his father’s unwillingness to show emotion and risk being hurt.
Well written and exhibiting clear understanding of the reasons behind his lifestyle. A graphic and insightful memoir that should at the very least be read by all gay men.
He decides to write his story after his father’s death, still confused and hurt by his father’s lack of emotion. In the process he and his sister interview 5 uncles, one of whom reveals that his father had been sexually abused at about 12 years of age by a 15 year old and suddenly it all falls into place and Michael can understand his father’s unwillingness to show emotion and risk being hurt.
Well written and exhibiting clear understanding of the reasons behind his lifestyle. A graphic and insightful memoir that should at the very least be read by all gay men.
December 22, 2015
Framed as a memoir (indeed, it's subtitled as such) this book could just as easily be shelved in the gender studies section of your library. Here, Smith is painfully honest about his compulsions and addictions, as well as his family dysfunctions - but more is going on for the reader than cathartic voyeurism. His sexual explorations and exploits, his gender-bending clothing choices, all are served up in such a way as to make the reader think about sexual identity, both in the orientation and general senses. In addition, the book ends with a rather beautiful illustration of therapeutic reframing, which, as a conclusion, really works.
July 7, 2018
This is a tough review because I knew Michael in kelowna and considered him a friend until my ex and I broke up and he shunned me at her demand! So I have seen both sides of him! He is a brilliant writer and the book is amazing albeit so graphic it made my johnnie boy hurt at times !
Such a tortured and hurt soul and it must have near killed him to write this book! Michel could have been so much more in so many senses if he could stand up for himself! Read it and make your own call!
Such a tortured and hurt soul and it must have near killed him to write this book! Michel could have been so much more in so many senses if he could stand up for himself! Read it and make your own call!
May 13, 2015
there are a lot of people who feel alone out there. this book would help them. (us). those who don't fit in. there are many ways in which this book resonates for me: alienation from parent; sex as a panacea for emotional insecurities; the concept of gender being fluid. thanks to Michael for his candour & willingness to share his journey. we need more books that do this.
July 21, 2015
Moving, exciting, and filled to the brim with tragicomic anecdotes. Glad I took a chance on this one. Smith talks about his uncertain place in the world of gender, the struggles of addiction, and the changing landscape of gay male cruising culture with funny, touching frankness.
January 18, 2016
Smith reflects on gender, sexuality, masculinity, family relationships, drinking, and anxiety in this rich and gripping memoir. A thoughtful book that encourages not just accepting, but embracing, vulnerability.
July 12, 2015
Excellent. I was sorely tempted to rate it 5 stars.
July 5, 2015
I blushed. But I really connected with book and appreciated the openess!
December 15, 2015
My Body Is Yours by Michael V. Smith: http://reviews-and-ramblings.dreamwid... 2015 Rainbow Awards Honorable Mention (5* from at least 1 judge)
March 3, 2023
I laughed, I cried, I was challenged and made uncomfortable. In the end my brain and my heart got a little bit bigger because of this book.
July 21, 2015
Some interesting points
August 29, 2016
fascinating exploration of gay masculinity and fathers.
March 10, 2016
Could not put this down!
Displaying 1 - 27 of 27 reviews