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Biff: Quick Responses to High-Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Em
We live in an age of rapid change and instant communication. We also live in a Culture of Blame and Disrespect…
Has anyone ever told
“It’s all YOUR fault!”
“You should be ashamed of yourself!”
“You’re a disgrace to your _________________!”
[family][community][country][team][profession][party][you fill in the blank]
“What’s the matter with you? Are you crazy? Stupid? Immoral? Unethical? Evil?”
And then were you told everything that’s “wrong” with you and how you should behave?
It’s Not About You!
Let’s face it. Most of us have said something like this when we “lost it” – hopefully not too often. But some people communicate this way a lot! It’s helpful to know that their personal attacks are not about you. They are about the blamer’s inability to control himself and solve problems.
When people repeatedly use personal attacks, I think of them as “high-conflict people” (HCPs), because they lack skills for dealing well with conflict. Instead of sharing responsibility for solving problems, they repeatedly lose it and increase conflict by making it intensely personal and taking no responsibility. They are the most difficult people, because they are preoccupied with blaming others – what I call their “targets of blame” – which may include you! They speak Attack, defend – and attack again.
I wrote this book to help you respond to anyone who tries to engage you with hostile emails, texts, Facebook postings, vicious rumors or just plain difficult behavior. But before I explain how to write a BIFF response, I want to give you a brief understanding of how HCPs think. To deal with them successfully requires a shift in how you think about them - so that you know what not to do, as well as what to do. Your BIFF responses will be better if you know this.
HCPs have a repeated pattern of aggressive behavior that increases conflict rather than reducing or resolving it. It may be part of their personalities – how they automatically and unconsciously think, feel and behave – and they carry this pattern with them. They tend to have a lot
- All-or-nothing thinking (one person is all good, another is all bad)
- Unmanaged emotions (exaggerated anger, fear, sadness – out of proportion to events)
- Extreme behavior (yelling, hitting, lying, spreading rumors, impulsive actions, etc.)
- Preoccupation with blaming others (people close to them or people in authority)
To HCPs, it seems normal and necessary to intensely blame others. They can’t restrain themselves, even though their blaming may harm themselves as well.
When problems and conflicts arise, instead of looking for solutions, HCPs look for someone to blame. They think that it must be all your fault or else it might appear to be all their fault – and they can’t cope with that possibility for psychological reasons. They become preoccupied with blaming others in order to escape being blamed themselves. But you can’t point this out to them, because they become even more defensive.
To HCPs, conflict often feels like a life or death struggle. They feel that their survival is at stake, so that they often show unmanaged emotions and extreme behaviors – even in routine conflicts or under normal pressures.
You don’t need to figure out whether someone is a high-conflict person. If you suspect someone is an HCP, just respond more carefully and understand that the person may have less self-control than you do. BIFF responses are a good method for coping with HCPs – and you can use them with anyone!
Has anyone ever told
“It’s all YOUR fault!”
“You should be ashamed of yourself!”
“You’re a disgrace to your _________________!”
[family][community][country][team][profession][party][you fill in the blank]
“What’s the matter with you? Are you crazy? Stupid? Immoral? Unethical? Evil?”
And then were you told everything that’s “wrong” with you and how you should behave?
It’s Not About You!
Let’s face it. Most of us have said something like this when we “lost it” – hopefully not too often. But some people communicate this way a lot! It’s helpful to know that their personal attacks are not about you. They are about the blamer’s inability to control himself and solve problems.
When people repeatedly use personal attacks, I think of them as “high-conflict people” (HCPs), because they lack skills for dealing well with conflict. Instead of sharing responsibility for solving problems, they repeatedly lose it and increase conflict by making it intensely personal and taking no responsibility. They are the most difficult people, because they are preoccupied with blaming others – what I call their “targets of blame” – which may include you! They speak Attack, defend – and attack again.
I wrote this book to help you respond to anyone who tries to engage you with hostile emails, texts, Facebook postings, vicious rumors or just plain difficult behavior. But before I explain how to write a BIFF response, I want to give you a brief understanding of how HCPs think. To deal with them successfully requires a shift in how you think about them - so that you know what not to do, as well as what to do. Your BIFF responses will be better if you know this.
HCPs have a repeated pattern of aggressive behavior that increases conflict rather than reducing or resolving it. It may be part of their personalities – how they automatically and unconsciously think, feel and behave – and they carry this pattern with them. They tend to have a lot
- All-or-nothing thinking (one person is all good, another is all bad)
- Unmanaged emotions (exaggerated anger, fear, sadness – out of proportion to events)
- Extreme behavior (yelling, hitting, lying, spreading rumors, impulsive actions, etc.)
- Preoccupation with blaming others (people close to them or people in authority)
To HCPs, it seems normal and necessary to intensely blame others. They can’t restrain themselves, even though their blaming may harm themselves as well.
When problems and conflicts arise, instead of looking for solutions, HCPs look for someone to blame. They think that it must be all your fault or else it might appear to be all their fault – and they can’t cope with that possibility for psychological reasons. They become preoccupied with blaming others in order to escape being blamed themselves. But you can’t point this out to them, because they become even more defensive.
To HCPs, conflict often feels like a life or death struggle. They feel that their survival is at stake, so that they often show unmanaged emotions and extreme behaviors – even in routine conflicts or under normal pressures.
You don’t need to figure out whether someone is a high-conflict person. If you suspect someone is an HCP, just respond more carefully and understand that the person may have less self-control than you do. BIFF responses are a good method for coping with HCPs – and you can use them with anyone!
113 pages, Kindle Edition
First published May 1, 2011
299 people are currently reading
957 people want to read
About the author
Bill Eddy
48 books152 followersBill Eddy is a lawyer, therapist, mediator and the President of High Conflict Institute. He developed the "High Conflict Personality" theory (HCP Theory) and has become an international expert on managing disputes involving high conflict personalities and personality disorders. He provides training on this subject to lawyers, judges, mediators, managers, human resource professionals, businesspersons, healthcare administrators, college administrators, homeowners’ association managers, ombudspersons, law enforcement, therapists and others. He has been a speaker and trainer in over 25 states, several provinces in Canada, Australia, France and Sweden.
As an attorney, Bill is a Certified Family Law Specialist in California and the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center in San Diego. Prior to becoming an attorney in 1992, he was a Licensed Clinical Social worker with twelve years’ experience providing therapy to children, adults, couples and families in psychiatric hospitals and outpatient clinics. He has taught Negotiation and Mediation at the University of San Diego School of Law for six years and he is on the part-time faculty of the Straus Institute for Dispute Resolution at the Pepperdine University School of Law and the National Judicial College. He is the author of numerous articles and several books, including:
High Conflict People in Legal Disputes
It’s All YOUR Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything
SPLITTING: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder
BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email and Social Media Meltdowns
He is also the developer of the “New Ways for Families” method of managing potentially high conflict families in and out of family court. He is currently developing a method for managing potentially high conflict employees titled “New Ways for Work.”
As an attorney, Bill is a Certified Family Law Specialist in California and the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center in San Diego. Prior to becoming an attorney in 1992, he was a Licensed Clinical Social worker with twelve years’ experience providing therapy to children, adults, couples and families in psychiatric hospitals and outpatient clinics. He has taught Negotiation and Mediation at the University of San Diego School of Law for six years and he is on the part-time faculty of the Straus Institute for Dispute Resolution at the Pepperdine University School of Law and the National Judicial College. He is the author of numerous articles and several books, including:
High Conflict People in Legal Disputes
It’s All YOUR Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything
SPLITTING: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder
BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email and Social Media Meltdowns
He is also the developer of the “New Ways for Families” method of managing potentially high conflict families in and out of family court. He is currently developing a method for managing potentially high conflict employees titled “New Ways for Work.”
Ratings & Reviews
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 40 reviews
November 16, 2016
This book was recommended to me by a colleague who is a lawyer and an academic. I have been working on "bureaucrat" speak for some time and finding that people respond better to it. I do this because when I put my heart and soul into a response with a genuine attempt to provide learning opportunities for students, for example, the message is rarely received the way it was intended. As Eddy suggests, the proportion of high conflict personalities (HCPs) is on the increase, and my experience supports the notion. The BIFF approach works and works well. While the approach is similar the bureaucrat patter I have developed, the BIFF approach gives one a definite framework in how to structure responses to high conflict people and "blame-stormers". With BIFF on my mind when responding to HCPs, I am reducing the number of my unnecessarily emotive responses to inappropriate or rude emails. The approach works. I am not a fan of this genre, but I would be lying if I said it wasn't helpful. If you correspond with large numbers of people, get this book and read it. It will save you time and energy and reduce the unnecessary stress created by HCPs.
December 21, 2017
This is very good information and helpful for anyone dealing with a high-conflict person in pretty much any context. Putting this technique into practice will require a LOT of practice and it would be very helpful, as the author notes, to have someone review written responses to help you fine-tune them. Honestly, I don't think I could keep my cool in a face-to-face situation well enough to use this formula, but in written formats, it's definitely well worth practicing.
January 13, 2021
This is a great book for coming up with responses for High Conflict People (HCP). The response technique for an HCP is Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm (BIFF). I really enjoyed the examples, and the specifics to managing an HCP attack. I appreciate how the BIFF response is meant to get a person from survival mode into a more logical mind. This book applies to anyone involved in any sort of a dispute, including family, neighbors, business associates, politicians, relationships, association boards, organizations, etc.
The book was recently published in 2011, but even then foretold how there would be more HCP people in the future. I would suggest this book to anyone who wants to be a leader, take control of themselves, be respectable, mindful, and community oriented.
The book was recently published in 2011, but even then foretold how there would be more HCP people in the future. I would suggest this book to anyone who wants to be a leader, take control of themselves, be respectable, mindful, and community oriented.
April 2, 2018
Simple short book with a very simple concept, the way to reduce conflict is to change your response to high conflict people. Lots of good examples from work and personal situations. The author's strategy: BIFF (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm).
October 7, 2013
This was very helpful to me. I'm trying to learn how to deal with my husband's ex-wife who is very hostile in person and email. This book opened my eyes to things I didn't realize.
July 15, 2020
Practical advice, similar to what public schools are now using for email and social media etiquette "THINK" - Thoughtful, helpful, important, necessary, kind"...and I like to add 'call'
May 1, 2025
Bill Eddy is a lawyer and conflict mediator; I previously read his 2021 book BIFF at Work: Your Guide to Difficult Workplace Communication (see my review here) which is a practical guide to BIFF (brief, informative, friendly, and firm) communications in professional settings that I found to be quite helpful. Eddy's 2011 book BIFF appears to be the first book in his series (which also includes books like BIFF for CoParent Communication: Your Guide to Difficult Texts, Emails, and Social Media Posts and BIFF for Lawyers and Law Offices: Your Guide to Respectful, Written Communication). This was a quick read that's relatively light on practical examples -- the feature that I found so helpful in BIFF at Work, hence my lower rating here.
I will say there is quite a social media niche of advice gurus who specialize in exploring people with narcissism and the other DSM cluster B personality disorders (antisocial, borderline, and histrionic) -- how to recognize them, how to manage and/or cope with them, how to cut them out of your life, etc., that this book and several of Eddy's other books lean heavily into, with the framing of BIFF as a strategy for "high conflict people". I'm not a proponent of armchair diagnoses so I don't find this angle particularly helpful, but I do think BIFF at its core is a good tactic to effectively deal with high conflict situations.
My statistics:
Book 134 for 2025
Book 2060 cumulatively
I will say there is quite a social media niche of advice gurus who specialize in exploring people with narcissism and the other DSM cluster B personality disorders (antisocial, borderline, and histrionic) -- how to recognize them, how to manage and/or cope with them, how to cut them out of your life, etc., that this book and several of Eddy's other books lean heavily into, with the framing of BIFF as a strategy for "high conflict people". I'm not a proponent of armchair diagnoses so I don't find this angle particularly helpful, but I do think BIFF at its core is a good tactic to effectively deal with high conflict situations.
My statistics:
Book 134 for 2025
Book 2060 cumulatively
November 8, 2018
You’re going to encounter high-conflict people sooner or later. They’re the ones who who seem to thrive on fights and arguments, who blame others, and frame themselves as innocent victims. Getting into a tangle with a high-conflict person wastes time and energy, and it can damage your professional and personal relationships. You need to be ready. Bill Eddy’s short book is full of practical tips and strategies on how to deal with such people, and not let the conflict spiral out of control.
BIFF stands for brief, informative, friendly, and firm. In Bill Eddy’s view, that’s the essence of any response to a high-conflict person, and you can tell he knows what he’s talking about.
Bill Eddy does not spend much time analyzing the difference between various personality disorders such as narcissistic, borderline, histrionic, paranoid, anti-social, etc. He uses just one catch-all concept: High Conflict People, or HCPs for short. This is brilliant, because when you’re faced with, say, a hostile co-worker who is sending nasty emails about you to the entire workplace, it doesn’t matter what her actual personality problem is. She’s high-conflict, and the strategies you’ll need to diffuse the situation are the same no matter the exact diagnosis.
But there is more to this book than BIFF. For example, in Chapter 3, he goes into detail about why it’s important to avoid the three A’s: Admonishments, Advice and Apologies. This is going to be hard for some readers, especially if you’re a fixer who has learned to solve other people’s problems by giving advice. Or you might be the kind who apologizes at the drop of a hat, even when it’s not your fault, just to smooth things over and escape the tension of the moment. Bill Eddy talks about why the three A’s make things worse in the long run, not better.
One of the most valuable parts of the book (which alone makes it worth the price) is how to deal with suicide threats. We’ve all been taught to treat every single suicide threat as an emergency in which you drop everything and run to the rescue. But what if the same individual has made the same threat repeatedly? How do you walk the line between taking the threat seriously, and not burning yourself out by rescuing them all the time? On pp. 64-66, Bill Eddy outlines some of the most common-sense advice on this topic I’ve seen so far.
Another useful point he makes is that emotions are contagious, and intense emotions are intensely contagious. Knowing this fact can help you stay clear-headed, especially if you have to deal with highly emotional people who want to off-load their negative emotions onto you so that they feel better.
I highly recommend this book. It’ll give you conflict-resolution skills that could save you a lot of grief and trouble.
BIFF stands for brief, informative, friendly, and firm. In Bill Eddy’s view, that’s the essence of any response to a high-conflict person, and you can tell he knows what he’s talking about.
Bill Eddy does not spend much time analyzing the difference between various personality disorders such as narcissistic, borderline, histrionic, paranoid, anti-social, etc. He uses just one catch-all concept: High Conflict People, or HCPs for short. This is brilliant, because when you’re faced with, say, a hostile co-worker who is sending nasty emails about you to the entire workplace, it doesn’t matter what her actual personality problem is. She’s high-conflict, and the strategies you’ll need to diffuse the situation are the same no matter the exact diagnosis.
But there is more to this book than BIFF. For example, in Chapter 3, he goes into detail about why it’s important to avoid the three A’s: Admonishments, Advice and Apologies. This is going to be hard for some readers, especially if you’re a fixer who has learned to solve other people’s problems by giving advice. Or you might be the kind who apologizes at the drop of a hat, even when it’s not your fault, just to smooth things over and escape the tension of the moment. Bill Eddy talks about why the three A’s make things worse in the long run, not better.
One of the most valuable parts of the book (which alone makes it worth the price) is how to deal with suicide threats. We’ve all been taught to treat every single suicide threat as an emergency in which you drop everything and run to the rescue. But what if the same individual has made the same threat repeatedly? How do you walk the line between taking the threat seriously, and not burning yourself out by rescuing them all the time? On pp. 64-66, Bill Eddy outlines some of the most common-sense advice on this topic I’ve seen so far.
Another useful point he makes is that emotions are contagious, and intense emotions are intensely contagious. Knowing this fact can help you stay clear-headed, especially if you have to deal with highly emotional people who want to off-load their negative emotions onto you so that they feel better.
I highly recommend this book. It’ll give you conflict-resolution skills that could save you a lot of grief and trouble.
December 7, 2024
Wow this is an interesting and informative book that provides guidance on how to communicate effectively with difficult people, particularly those with high-conflict personalities (HCPs). The concept of BIFF stands for *Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm* responses.
The key important of this book focuses on teaching readers how to respond to hostile or abusive emails, texts, and social media posts in a way that maintains their dignity and doesn't escalate the situation. The author provides numerous examples of BIFF responses to help readers understand how to apply this concept in real-life situations.
The key takeaway from "BIFF" is that by being brief, informative, friendly, and firm in your responses, you can de-escalate conflicts and improve communication with difficult people. This approach can be applied in various contexts, including personal and professional relationships.
It's worth noting that there are different versions of the "BIFF" book, including one specifically focused on co-parenting communication.
The key important of this book focuses on teaching readers how to respond to hostile or abusive emails, texts, and social media posts in a way that maintains their dignity and doesn't escalate the situation. The author provides numerous examples of BIFF responses to help readers understand how to apply this concept in real-life situations.
The key takeaway from "BIFF" is that by being brief, informative, friendly, and firm in your responses, you can de-escalate conflicts and improve communication with difficult people. This approach can be applied in various contexts, including personal and professional relationships.
It's worth noting that there are different versions of the "BIFF" book, including one specifically focused on co-parenting communication.
October 28, 2021
Best book for dealing with high conflict people
The best responses are brief informative friendly and firm. As an attorney, and to deal with challenging folks occasionally and this little book has changed my responses for the better. I have sometimes struggled to respond to people who seem to just love conflict for the sake of it (not just having a different point of view that we can discuss logically). I don’t want to get down in the mud with them (unpleasant and unproductive) and yet I need to advocate for my client or myself (I can’t just ignore them). BIFF is a very practical system and it seems to be working to resolve issues with high conflict people.
The best responses are brief informative friendly and firm. As an attorney, and to deal with challenging folks occasionally and this little book has changed my responses for the better. I have sometimes struggled to respond to people who seem to just love conflict for the sake of it (not just having a different point of view that we can discuss logically). I don’t want to get down in the mud with them (unpleasant and unproductive) and yet I need to advocate for my client or myself (I can’t just ignore them). BIFF is a very practical system and it seems to be working to resolve issues with high conflict people.
September 20, 2020
An extremely accessible overview of how to deal with high-conflict people, with lots of specific examples that can potentially be used as scripts and adapted for different topics and/or audiences. Much of this is intuitive, and perhaps something one develops an instinct for over time and with experience. This book would likely build almost anyone's skills and confidence.
March 23, 2021
A very interesting method of dealing with and responding to conflicts with people in a variety of situations. Agree with a lot of the thoughts and concepts, there are a few things that are a bit more complicated, such as not apologizing, but there is some logic behind his reasoning. Will be trying yo use this approach in some of my personal and professional life.
April 20, 2025
I’m a fan!
This book helped me tremendously. It helped me realise that I used email communication in highly conflictual situations in a suboptimal manner.
I shared with my husband and ended up buying many other titles of Bill Eddy’s.
You get real advice with examples that are readily implementable.
Indispensable in anyone’s library.
This book helped me tremendously. It helped me realise that I used email communication in highly conflictual situations in a suboptimal manner.
I shared with my husband and ended up buying many other titles of Bill Eddy’s.
You get real advice with examples that are readily implementable.
Indispensable in anyone’s library.
May 9, 2020
EXCELLENT, easy read on guidelines for communicating with “high conflict people,” with examples running from business to political to personal. Highly recommended for someone with a dramatic person in their life, or someone who deals with many people. 👍🏼👍🏼
December 18, 2020
This has some useful strategies for dealing with high conflict people, i.e. people who seem to make every issue a referendum on *them*. Not that there are any people we know of who are like that, haha. It covers a broad variety of relationships, from marriage to chance encounters to the workplace. There is bound to be some situations that resonate for you, while others will not.
It was useful, but I am still looking for a book that both describes skillful means for dealing with narcissists, borderlines, and rageaholics and helps the reader develop a greater sense of self esteem to be comfortable doing so. Maybe that's what therapy is for...
It was useful, but I am still looking for a book that both describes skillful means for dealing with narcissists, borderlines, and rageaholics and helps the reader develop a greater sense of self esteem to be comfortable doing so. Maybe that's what therapy is for...
August 14, 2021
Goes on too long with some of the examples (I get it already), but the content is aces. Highly recommended for better and briefed communication with anyone. But particularly with people you're having trouble getting along with, for whatever reason.
January 1, 2024
Basically the author found his "Love Languages" formula and processes short books on how to write passive/aggressive emails. I found this very useful for dealing with a few difficult people YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
September 22, 2024
I discovered Bill Eddy on a podcast, and have gone on to listen to many podcasts on his channel, and most recently I listened to this book! It was brief and clearly written. I found it extremely helpful and have already used it in a few texts. 🙂
June 19, 2017
Highly recommend this book for anyone in the service industry who has to deal with angry, irrational people on a regular basis.
April 6, 2018
Great strategies for the high conflict people in life.
November 17, 2018
Good information.
January 27, 2019
BIFF
I found this book very useful in determining how to respond to high conflict people. This is now being used in both my professional and personal life.
I found this book very useful in determining how to respond to high conflict people. This is now being used in both my professional and personal life.
August 19, 2019
Good but a bit repetitive
I liked the method and will put it in practice. Found it a bit repetitive and long, but all are good examples.
I liked the method and will put it in practice. Found it a bit repetitive and long, but all are good examples.
October 27, 2019
excellent, practical advice. Thought provoking.
November 23, 2020
Highly recommend. This is a fairly quick and easy read. The BIFF acronym is simple to remember, and has already improved my communication with high-conflict people. 👍🏻
October 25, 2021
Made me think about office communications
May 9, 2022
This book changed my life.
May 27, 2022
I wish I had found this book years ago. Very helpful and practical.
June 4, 2022
the mindful way to communicate
BIFF
Wonderfully easy concepts to practice and boost not only my self esteem but HCP as well
Encouraging methods for calm controlled communication
BIFF
Wonderfully easy concepts to practice and boost not only my self esteem but HCP as well
Encouraging methods for calm controlled communication
January 6, 2025
Easy and useful information to take it. I liked the fact they went over a large number of examples to get it into my head the considerations for the use of the biff responses.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 40 reviews