Having to witness situations where your husband has to ask you exactly where we are going for coffee, how busy it might be and how long we are staying, is something most people would find rather unusual. I’m ashamed to say it used to embarrass me, especially when he would cancel on me and my friends last minute. The excuses I gave for him were wearing thin, but I never gave them the real reason; partly because they wouldn’t understand and also because - at the time - I didn’t really either. A few years ago, I was shrugging it off, putting it down to just having an unsociable husband, but if you could see the pallor of his skin, the sweating, and the shaking hand that would clench at his stomach to ease the nausea at the shear thought of catching a train; this is the sort of behaviour that you wouldn't turn a blind eye to.
Particular examples aside, research is the resounding word to use when opening up your mind to the definition of anxiety; which lead me to this magnificent book, Making Friends with Anxiety. As a wife who experiences the crushing affects anxiety can have on her husband, and seeing no improvement, I realised from the onset that reading up on the subject would give me the upper hand to reach a healthier life. Examples of how to deal with anxiety are very clearly laid out in Making Friends with Anxiety, making it clear in some cases that fighting anxiety is more likely to cause more harm than good.
The term ‘Mental illness’, however unsavoury is given to a person who suffers from anxiety or depression, and the book tells you a bit on the physiological aspects. But bear in mind, that doesn’t mean to say that Sarah Rayner is throwing this notion around light-heartedly, in fact, she intends for this book to help people come to terms with what you have and to learn some avoidance strategies.
It goes on to explain how closely anxiety is linked to depression which is surprising for someone to learn of, but at the same time makes perfect sense; the anxiety becomes too much to bear, you feel like you can’t do anything about it, which leaves you depressed. It can work the other way round too; depression leads to anxiety, or they can both be isolated.
I was initially dubious about the choice of title; it gives off an foolishly idealistic message and almost undermines the seriousness of the content. Considering what my husband and many others are going through, the notion of making friends with anxiety is not something anyone would willingly embrace in a hurry.
However, reading on, it tells of instances where you may not be able to alleviate all the symptoms, but rather control it. Rayner, a sufferer of anxiety herself takes into account how little people know of this illness and explains in a most un-condescending way, that ‘anxiety is [one of] the most common forms of mental ill-health in the world, so if you suffer from it, you’re not alone'. It’s one thing for a doctor to spew facts about this and that, but the fact that Rayner has exhibited snippets of her own hell, it feels a lot more personal.
Rayner is also mindful of peoples' specific needs and symptoms. Where anxiety sufferers tend not to be able to concentrate on the same tasks for long periods, she has therefore written in ‘bite-sized chunks’. Additionally, there are pages just dedicated to calming pictures, possibly to aim for calming the person even as they read. Undoubtedly reading this would dredge up some experiences and make sufferers feel some anxiety!
It is difficult to aim this book at a wider audience as the subject matter is so niche, however, people should give this book a chance if they are in any doubt about what they are suffering from, or do what I have done, and get swatting up on how to help
If there is any advice I could give to anyone – other than to read this this book – I would say be honest about how you feel and allow your family and friends to help. Don't do the tough-love act as it is not something an individual can merely snap out of; think of anxiety as having deep-set roots which still needs a lot of care and attention.
Anxiety doesn't make you any less of a human being, or a man in my husband's case. He copes better with many other things which I find particularly stressful. Anxiety sufferers are not a lost cause; you invest a little more of your time, but it's worth it.
RRP £4.99, (ebook £1.99), or go to Amazon