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229 pages, Kindle Edition
First published October 30, 2015
I know it’s crazy, but it feels right. I can’t explain how after only spending a few hours with her I feel like I’ve know her forever instead of just fantasizing about her for two years from a distance.
“Does your family ever do anything normal?”
“Normal is overrated.”
“Even if you plan it all out and follow everything to a T, life will fuck you right up the ass. Without lube.”
“Did I say experts? I meant mental patients.”
“I almost smothered the three of you when you were toddlers and couldn’t get along. Then, I tried to sell you on eBay when all three of you had your periods at the same time and almost killed each other.”
“There’s nothing quite like the love between two sisters.”
“Jesus Christ. They hit people with cancer? I’m a dead man.”
“I’ll have you know I got carded buying win the other day. The cashier told me he thought for sure I was only twenty.”
Claire snorts. “Yeah, maybe in dog years.”
“This is really the end. Hug it out Bitches.”

That HURT, you dick nose slut-box! I HAD CANCER!" Aunt Claire responds.
"Oh fuck right off! You HAD cancer, you don't have it anymore and you should be able to take a punch, you pussy!" my mother shouts back.
Now she's going to smell like cinnamon, apples and somebody else's sperm. I don't know who this loser is, but I'm sure his spunk tastes like toxic waste. I shouldn't have waited so long to make my move."
Does your family ever do anything normal?"...
"Dammit, Tom Brady! Not in the mashed potatoes!" Uncle Drew shouts from the kitchen...
"Normal is overrated. They're bat shit crazy every day of their lives..."
It's hard to be irritated when my penis is happy after hearing Molly call me her boyfriend. It's too conflicting and it's always best to go with whatever emotion my penis wants, and my penis wants me to be happy, dammit."
You hairy-hairy-ball-sack-whore-of-a-whale's-dick"
"Oh, pipe down you smelly-ass-giant-vagina-scrotum-licker!"

Here...so now you have NO EXCUSE.


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