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Spiritual Friendship: Finding Love in the Church as a Celibate Gay Christian
Friendship is a relationship like no other. Unlike the relationships we are born into, we choose our friends. It is also tenuous—we can end a friendship at any time. But should friendship be so free and unconstrained? Although our culture tends to pay more attention to romantic love, marriage, family, and other forms of community, friendship is a genuine love in its own right. This eloquent book reminds us that Scripture and tradition have a high view of friendship. Single Christians, particularly those who are gay and celibate, may find it is a form of love to which they are especially called.
Writing with deep empathy and with fidelity to historic Christian teaching, Wesley Hill retrieves a rich understanding of friendship as a spiritual vocation and explains how the church can foster friendship as a basic component of Christian discipleship. He helps us reimagine friendship as a robust form of love that is worthy of honor and attention in communities of faith. This book sets forth a positive calling for celibate gay Christians and suggests practical ways for all Christians to cultivate stronger friendships.
160 pages, Paperback
First published April 14, 2015
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About the author
Wesley Hill
29 books100 followersWesley Hill (PhD, University of Durham) is assistant professor of biblical studies at Trinity School for Ministry in Ambridge, Pennsylvania, and author of the much-discussed book Washed and Waiting: Reflections on Christian Faithfulness and Homosexuality. He is on the editorial board of and is a columnist for Christianity Today. He also contributes to Books & Culture and First Things.
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June 2, 2018
Really sad. Wesley Hill is drowning in a sea of false assumptions.
May 20, 2015
Wesley Hill self identifies as a gay, celibate Christian. That is, he is same-sex attracted but his theological convictions preclude him from joining in a romantic, sexual partnership with another man. His early book, Washed and Waiting (Zondervan, 2010) tells of his journey of seeking to follow God with his Christian faith and sexual orientation in tension. In his new book, Spiritual Friendship: Finding Love in the Church as a Celibate Gay Christian, he explores the importance of friendship in the Christian life, especially for those in the LGBT community. Hill is bookish and thoughtful. He is also vulnerable about his struggles to form deep non-sexual friendships with other men. Despite the heartache he feels in pursuing the ideal of Christian friendship, he sees it as a gift to gay Christians. And us all.
This is a short book, consisting of six chapters, divided into two parts. In part one, 'Reading Friendship', Hill explores the necessity of friendship in the Christian life. Chapter one explores some of the ways that friendship has been marginalized and eclipsed in contemporary culture (6). Hill weaves together a narrative of himself naming his need of friends (on the eve of his confirmation) with theological reflections from Benjamin Myers, C.S. Lewis and seveal literary references. As a gay Christian, he feels the need for friendships acutely but the lack of cultural space for friendships impoverishes everyone.
Chapter two explores deeper the special dispensation of friendship and the cultural history of it. Hill points to Bethge and Bonhoeffer's friendship and how they saw how fragile friendship was and the ways it was not recognized by others (25). A later readings of Bethge and Bonhoeffer's relationship claim that it was 'really a homosexual partnership'. Whatever the nature of that relationship (text and subtext), it does speak volumes that later audiences can't conceive of such a close, male friendship without speculating about their sexuality (25,26). Hill delves into the Christian tradition, exploring the insights on Spiritual Friendship in the writings of twelfth century Cistercian, Aelred of Rievaulx. Aelred wrote On Spiritual Friendship (which this book's title alludes to) and described the value and same-sex, celibate friendships with the context of monastic life. And of course C.S. Lewis's reflections on love, friendship (and homosexuality) are woven through these chapters. Chapter three explores the language of friendship (and family) in the New Testament.
Part two explores the practical side of 'living friendship.' Chapter four describes some of the challenges to developing friendships (especially the challenges to those who are same-sex attracted). Chapter five discusses suffering in love and relates a particular difficult loss of a friendship for Hill (when a heterosexual friend got engaged). Chapter six gives six concrete suggestions for recovering friendship as a Christian discipline:
1. Admit our need for friends.
2. Start renewing the practice of friendship with the friends we have (not the idealized friendships we want).
3. Remind ourselves that friendship flourishes best in community.
4. Realize that friendships strengthen communities.
5. Imagine specific ways friendships are doorways to the practice of hospitality and welcoming the stranger.
6. Look for ways to avoid the lure of mobility--staying put and investing in relationships with people where you are.
It should be evident from this list that Hill sees the importance of friendship for everyone. It would be impossible to read this book and not feel the call to deeper friendships. Hill is realistic on both the joys and sorrow, blessings and difficulties involved in cultivating friendships. Hill is in tune with how his sexual orientation informs his call to friendship, "I want to explore the way my same-sex attractions are inescapably bound with my gift and calling to friendship. My question, at root, is how I can steward and sanctify my homosexual orientation in such a way that it can be a doorway to blessing and grace"(79). He also writes, "My being gay and saying no to gay sex may lead me to more of a friend, not less"(81).
This is a great book for the way it roots the challenges and blessings of friendship in Hill's own experience as a gay Christian. Too often sex is seen as the ultimate expression of human love, leaving those who are celibate (by choice or circumstance) feeling less than human. I think many traditional Christian apologetic of marriage and heterosexual love are pastorally insensitive on this point, describing the virtues of marital love as God's design but declaring it off-limits to gay people. Hill presents a vision of friendship that is not 'second best' but considers orientation, vocation and love together. This commendation to friendship is not a 'less-than' proposition but is every bit as life-giving and challenging as marital vows. Those of us who hold to a more traditional stance on marriage need to have this sort of compelling alternative to offer to those who don't have that option.
But this is not a book about gay friendships as the subtitle implies. This is a book about friendship. Hill thinks through the implications from his own perspective as a gay and celibate Christian, but friendship is necessary for us all to thrive in our Christian life whether we be single, married, gay or straight. There is so much here! I give this book five stars. ★★★★★
Notice of material connection: I received this book from Brazos Press in exchange for my honest review.
This is a short book, consisting of six chapters, divided into two parts. In part one, 'Reading Friendship', Hill explores the necessity of friendship in the Christian life. Chapter one explores some of the ways that friendship has been marginalized and eclipsed in contemporary culture (6). Hill weaves together a narrative of himself naming his need of friends (on the eve of his confirmation) with theological reflections from Benjamin Myers, C.S. Lewis and seveal literary references. As a gay Christian, he feels the need for friendships acutely but the lack of cultural space for friendships impoverishes everyone.
Chapter two explores deeper the special dispensation of friendship and the cultural history of it. Hill points to Bethge and Bonhoeffer's friendship and how they saw how fragile friendship was and the ways it was not recognized by others (25). A later readings of Bethge and Bonhoeffer's relationship claim that it was 'really a homosexual partnership'. Whatever the nature of that relationship (text and subtext), it does speak volumes that later audiences can't conceive of such a close, male friendship without speculating about their sexuality (25,26). Hill delves into the Christian tradition, exploring the insights on Spiritual Friendship in the writings of twelfth century Cistercian, Aelred of Rievaulx. Aelred wrote On Spiritual Friendship (which this book's title alludes to) and described the value and same-sex, celibate friendships with the context of monastic life. And of course C.S. Lewis's reflections on love, friendship (and homosexuality) are woven through these chapters. Chapter three explores the language of friendship (and family) in the New Testament.
Part two explores the practical side of 'living friendship.' Chapter four describes some of the challenges to developing friendships (especially the challenges to those who are same-sex attracted). Chapter five discusses suffering in love and relates a particular difficult loss of a friendship for Hill (when a heterosexual friend got engaged). Chapter six gives six concrete suggestions for recovering friendship as a Christian discipline:
1. Admit our need for friends.
2. Start renewing the practice of friendship with the friends we have (not the idealized friendships we want).
3. Remind ourselves that friendship flourishes best in community.
4. Realize that friendships strengthen communities.
5. Imagine specific ways friendships are doorways to the practice of hospitality and welcoming the stranger.
6. Look for ways to avoid the lure of mobility--staying put and investing in relationships with people where you are.
It should be evident from this list that Hill sees the importance of friendship for everyone. It would be impossible to read this book and not feel the call to deeper friendships. Hill is realistic on both the joys and sorrow, blessings and difficulties involved in cultivating friendships. Hill is in tune with how his sexual orientation informs his call to friendship, "I want to explore the way my same-sex attractions are inescapably bound with my gift and calling to friendship. My question, at root, is how I can steward and sanctify my homosexual orientation in such a way that it can be a doorway to blessing and grace"(79). He also writes, "My being gay and saying no to gay sex may lead me to more of a friend, not less"(81).
This is a great book for the way it roots the challenges and blessings of friendship in Hill's own experience as a gay Christian. Too often sex is seen as the ultimate expression of human love, leaving those who are celibate (by choice or circumstance) feeling less than human. I think many traditional Christian apologetic of marriage and heterosexual love are pastorally insensitive on this point, describing the virtues of marital love as God's design but declaring it off-limits to gay people. Hill presents a vision of friendship that is not 'second best' but considers orientation, vocation and love together. This commendation to friendship is not a 'less-than' proposition but is every bit as life-giving and challenging as marital vows. Those of us who hold to a more traditional stance on marriage need to have this sort of compelling alternative to offer to those who don't have that option.
But this is not a book about gay friendships as the subtitle implies. This is a book about friendship. Hill thinks through the implications from his own perspective as a gay and celibate Christian, but friendship is necessary for us all to thrive in our Christian life whether we be single, married, gay or straight. There is so much here! I give this book five stars. ★★★★★
Notice of material connection: I received this book from Brazos Press in exchange for my honest review.
September 22, 2015
I am coming to dislike the twenties. One of the main reasons for this is that friendships seem so fluid; they fluctuate as friends enter different stages of life. Some of us enter careers, some remain in school. Some enter relationships or get married while others remain single. Some move away and some remain where we have been.
Wesley Hill has written a poignant and vulnerable book on spiritual friendship. "Spiritual Friendship: Finding Love in the Church as a Celibate Gay Christian" is divided into two sections. Although Hill's own reflections are present throughout, the first half is largely historical, as the author traces the trajectory of friendship through the ages. He demonstrates that close-knit, same-sex friendships were present in the Greco-Roman world as well as in England beginning in the medieval period.
The second half of the book is more of a memoir. Hill reflects on the intense friendship he had with a male friend of his who ultimately entered into a relationship with a woman. The loss of that friendship was devastating for Hill and he shares how he dealt with that experience. He closes the book by offering some possible ways in which the Church can better live out the "patterns of the possible" when it comes to spiritual friendship.
Hill relies on history, Orthodox spirituality, literature and art in his eloquent reflections on friendship, drawing particularly on Alan Bray's "The Friend" and the lives and works of Aelred of Rievaulx, Pavel Florensky, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, C.S. Lewis and Henri Nouwen (the latter who was himself a celibate, though same-sex attracted priest). Although Hill is himself Anglican, he finds much merit in the ancient Christian rite of adelphopoiesis.
One of the central themes of spiritual friendship is hospitality and community (which itself is either the product of, or engine of, friendship). Hill has been able to find community among friends with whom he can share, receive and give love (such as going to vacation with married couples). The book closes with Hill's discussion of living with a married couple in the same house; this points to the possibility of living as the "new family" of the Church although it remains to be seen how common this practice becomes (many Christians will still cling to the mythic notion of the nuclear family - or at least extended family, rather than viewing their brothers and sisters in Christ as just as truly family as blood relatives). While writing about the need for close same-sex friendships, Hill also notes both the potential dangers of a homosexual friend getting a "crush" on a same-sex friend as well as the need for heterosexual friends to be able to accept and deal with these as they arise without responding in rejection of their friendship towards their friend. Especially in the first half, Hill offers a strong case for recovering close same-sex friendships (he observes Hollywood's narrow-minded narrative of close male friendships that inevitably become awkward and ridiculed when two male characters develop deep bonds of friendship).
The book did leave me with some questions though. Partly it could be merely because the book is fairly short. Hill has spent a long time thinking about how to live out his life as a faithful Christian while being celibate and acknowledging his homosexuality (he indicates how it affects his way in the world on p. 80-1) and offers an important perspective, but I wonder if some of the more "tricky" aspects of same-sex friendships are left out? One of the questions I've recently been scratching my head about is when two same-sex friends are attracted to each other and opt to live together while remaining celibate (i.e. A Queer Calling). I would have liked to have heard Hill's thoughts on such setups in relationships. Along the same lines, I would have liked to have seen Hill further explore an intense same-sex friendship like that between John Henry Newman and Ambrose St. John. Also, I wonder if same-sex attracted women would offer different/unique insights into spiritual friendship than Hill can as a man (after all, the true stereotype is that women are more open towards each other than men are; at my university campus ministry retreat, the men prayed for each other in half an hour while it took the women at least three times that long to pray for one another). As well, while Hill is right in rebuking conservative Christians for falling for the myth of ultimate fulfillment through marriage and family (p. 11-13), I'm beginning to wonder if such a criticism appreciates how such a myth may have arisen (as the mainstream culture delays marriage while opting for non-committal one-night stands and sex outside of marriage, perhaps Christians responded by championing these things while accidentally turning them into idols or oppressive norms?). In general when it comes to friendships discussed here, it typically centres on friendships between two people but for a book that cites C.S. Lewis so much, I'm surprised there's no mention of the famous passage in which Lewis discusses how certain friends bring out qualities in their friends that another simply cannot. Lastly, and this perhaps stands out because we're becoming so sensitive to language; in an age where folks like Jenell Williams Paris call for an "end of sexual identity," I do wonder how useful it is to identify as "gay" when this unavoidable ties identity to sexual attraction.
This is a wonderful book by an important voice in the Church today. God bless Wesley Hill and his collaborators at Spiritual Friendship. Despite some criticisms I have, this book is a powerful one. The first half deals with the concept of friendship in general while the second offers us ways we can reach out to others - especially those lonely and who do not easily fit into a heteronormative scheme - in love and friendship.
Wesley Hill has written a poignant and vulnerable book on spiritual friendship. "Spiritual Friendship: Finding Love in the Church as a Celibate Gay Christian" is divided into two sections. Although Hill's own reflections are present throughout, the first half is largely historical, as the author traces the trajectory of friendship through the ages. He demonstrates that close-knit, same-sex friendships were present in the Greco-Roman world as well as in England beginning in the medieval period.
The second half of the book is more of a memoir. Hill reflects on the intense friendship he had with a male friend of his who ultimately entered into a relationship with a woman. The loss of that friendship was devastating for Hill and he shares how he dealt with that experience. He closes the book by offering some possible ways in which the Church can better live out the "patterns of the possible" when it comes to spiritual friendship.
Hill relies on history, Orthodox spirituality, literature and art in his eloquent reflections on friendship, drawing particularly on Alan Bray's "The Friend" and the lives and works of Aelred of Rievaulx, Pavel Florensky, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, C.S. Lewis and Henri Nouwen (the latter who was himself a celibate, though same-sex attracted priest). Although Hill is himself Anglican, he finds much merit in the ancient Christian rite of adelphopoiesis.
One of the central themes of spiritual friendship is hospitality and community (which itself is either the product of, or engine of, friendship). Hill has been able to find community among friends with whom he can share, receive and give love (such as going to vacation with married couples). The book closes with Hill's discussion of living with a married couple in the same house; this points to the possibility of living as the "new family" of the Church although it remains to be seen how common this practice becomes (many Christians will still cling to the mythic notion of the nuclear family - or at least extended family, rather than viewing their brothers and sisters in Christ as just as truly family as blood relatives). While writing about the need for close same-sex friendships, Hill also notes both the potential dangers of a homosexual friend getting a "crush" on a same-sex friend as well as the need for heterosexual friends to be able to accept and deal with these as they arise without responding in rejection of their friendship towards their friend. Especially in the first half, Hill offers a strong case for recovering close same-sex friendships (he observes Hollywood's narrow-minded narrative of close male friendships that inevitably become awkward and ridiculed when two male characters develop deep bonds of friendship).
The book did leave me with some questions though. Partly it could be merely because the book is fairly short. Hill has spent a long time thinking about how to live out his life as a faithful Christian while being celibate and acknowledging his homosexuality (he indicates how it affects his way in the world on p. 80-1) and offers an important perspective, but I wonder if some of the more "tricky" aspects of same-sex friendships are left out? One of the questions I've recently been scratching my head about is when two same-sex friends are attracted to each other and opt to live together while remaining celibate (i.e. A Queer Calling). I would have liked to have heard Hill's thoughts on such setups in relationships. Along the same lines, I would have liked to have seen Hill further explore an intense same-sex friendship like that between John Henry Newman and Ambrose St. John. Also, I wonder if same-sex attracted women would offer different/unique insights into spiritual friendship than Hill can as a man (after all, the true stereotype is that women are more open towards each other than men are; at my university campus ministry retreat, the men prayed for each other in half an hour while it took the women at least three times that long to pray for one another). As well, while Hill is right in rebuking conservative Christians for falling for the myth of ultimate fulfillment through marriage and family (p. 11-13), I'm beginning to wonder if such a criticism appreciates how such a myth may have arisen (as the mainstream culture delays marriage while opting for non-committal one-night stands and sex outside of marriage, perhaps Christians responded by championing these things while accidentally turning them into idols or oppressive norms?). In general when it comes to friendships discussed here, it typically centres on friendships between two people but for a book that cites C.S. Lewis so much, I'm surprised there's no mention of the famous passage in which Lewis discusses how certain friends bring out qualities in their friends that another simply cannot. Lastly, and this perhaps stands out because we're becoming so sensitive to language; in an age where folks like Jenell Williams Paris call for an "end of sexual identity," I do wonder how useful it is to identify as "gay" when this unavoidable ties identity to sexual attraction.
This is a wonderful book by an important voice in the Church today. God bless Wesley Hill and his collaborators at Spiritual Friendship. Despite some criticisms I have, this book is a powerful one. The first half deals with the concept of friendship in general while the second offers us ways we can reach out to others - especially those lonely and who do not easily fit into a heteronormative scheme - in love and friendship.
June 9, 2015
Spiritual Friendship by Wesley Hill. Grand Rapids: Brazos Press, 2015.
Summary: This is an exploration of the place of friendship in the life of the Christian, particularly its importance for those who chose, either because of sexual orientation, or other reasons to live celibate, chaste lives.
The idea of a celibate, chaste, single life is scorned today not only because of the myth that one can only live a fulfilled, fully human life within the context of a sexually intimate relationship. Perhaps more fundamentally, if less openly acknowledged, this seems a terrible choice for those who are single, gay or straight, because it is a call to loneliness. Wesley Hill, a celibate gay Christian contends that the greatest gift the church could give to those like himself, and indeed to all of its members, is a renewal of the idea of friendship--of voluntary, non-sexual relationships of deeply knowing and being known by another.
Given this premise, this book is bound to be controversial or even challenging to many. It will be challenging to all, gay or straight, who disagree with Hill's contention that:
"There is a divine 'Yes' to marriage and sexual intimacy between a man and a woman, premised on their bodily difference that seemed to gesture toward (albeit faintly) the transcendent difference of Creator from creature. But that 'Yes' also seemed to disclose a corresponding 'No' to sexual intimacy in any other context." (p. 18)
But equally it is challenging to a church that focuses so heavily on the nuclear family that those outside one are left with shallow interactions and a profound sense of loneliness and alienation even while supposedly affirming the "communion of the saints."
Hill's book is divided into two parts, the first laying out the historical and theological basis for the idea of friendship, and the second talking very honestly about the lived experience of friendship. The first part begins by talking about the eclipse of the idea of friendship in a sexualized culture.where any deeply affectionate and caring relationship between human beings is concluded to be sexual, something especially difficult for the gay celibate Christian for whom a deep non-sexual friendship may be a lifeline. Hill argues that it was not always this way, citing the examples of Dietrich Bonhoeffer and Eberhard Bethge and Aelred of Rievaulx Abbey and the idea of "vowed friendships", friendships bound by vows similar to that of marriage but non-sexual in their expression of love.Christians have had a complicated relationship with the idea of friendship throughout history, believing that the gospel call to agape love that loves even one's enemies relegates friendship to a lesser category. Yet Hill points to the relationship of David and Jonathan, Ruth and Naomi, and ultimately Jesus and his disciples who he call "friends" as counter examples and that what the gospel does is transform friendship from 'we two' to 'we two who welcome a third and fourth' in an outward looking community of love.
The second part is more personal. He begins by discussing an issue I've wondered about; can friendship and romance be sealed off from each other, particularly when friendship is with a person whose gender one is attracted to. Hill contends that it is not, but that our sexual orientation, even if gay, is in fact a gift in relationships if offered up to God, a gift that brings unique sensitivities and blessing to another, if there are others willing to receive and enter in. The next chapter is the most vulnerable in the book where Hill speaks of what it is to love and lose in friendship. He describes a relationship with a male friend who subsequently enters into a romantic relationship with a woman and the deep sense of loss and hurt this meant for Wes. Friendships end. Sometimes friends die. To love deeply is to be willing to suffer, which is perhaps why we hang back from such love, knowing what it will cost. However he does not end here but rather in a chapter on the ways a church might begin to recover friendship and what it could mean not only to individuals but to the quality of community. Among his challenges is one to mobility. This probably touches me most, because I know of those I've bonded deeply with at various points in life, who moved away. There are times when moves are right, and we've moved ourselves on two occasions. Do we ever consider that refraining from moving for the sake of friendship and community may sometimes be right?
I would have liked Hill to address the differences between healthy, deep relationships and unhealthy, co-dependent or manipulative relationships. I also wonder about how these deep friendships work out in the context of relationships with a person who is also married and is in that vowed relationship. It is apparent that he has enjoyed relationships with couples and it would be interesting to tease out these dynamics further.
I will be thinking about this book for some time. I find deeply compelling, for Christ-followers, the idea that our sexuality is not ultimately something to be fixed or satisfied, gay or straight, but offered to God. Hill's vulnerability challenges me with my own self-protectiveness that does not want to suffer, but in the end settles for the superficial. Might this not be the same challenge we face in the church?
_____________________________________
Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”
Summary: This is an exploration of the place of friendship in the life of the Christian, particularly its importance for those who chose, either because of sexual orientation, or other reasons to live celibate, chaste lives.
The idea of a celibate, chaste, single life is scorned today not only because of the myth that one can only live a fulfilled, fully human life within the context of a sexually intimate relationship. Perhaps more fundamentally, if less openly acknowledged, this seems a terrible choice for those who are single, gay or straight, because it is a call to loneliness. Wesley Hill, a celibate gay Christian contends that the greatest gift the church could give to those like himself, and indeed to all of its members, is a renewal of the idea of friendship--of voluntary, non-sexual relationships of deeply knowing and being known by another.
Given this premise, this book is bound to be controversial or even challenging to many. It will be challenging to all, gay or straight, who disagree with Hill's contention that:
"There is a divine 'Yes' to marriage and sexual intimacy between a man and a woman, premised on their bodily difference that seemed to gesture toward (albeit faintly) the transcendent difference of Creator from creature. But that 'Yes' also seemed to disclose a corresponding 'No' to sexual intimacy in any other context." (p. 18)
But equally it is challenging to a church that focuses so heavily on the nuclear family that those outside one are left with shallow interactions and a profound sense of loneliness and alienation even while supposedly affirming the "communion of the saints."
Hill's book is divided into two parts, the first laying out the historical and theological basis for the idea of friendship, and the second talking very honestly about the lived experience of friendship. The first part begins by talking about the eclipse of the idea of friendship in a sexualized culture.where any deeply affectionate and caring relationship between human beings is concluded to be sexual, something especially difficult for the gay celibate Christian for whom a deep non-sexual friendship may be a lifeline. Hill argues that it was not always this way, citing the examples of Dietrich Bonhoeffer and Eberhard Bethge and Aelred of Rievaulx Abbey and the idea of "vowed friendships", friendships bound by vows similar to that of marriage but non-sexual in their expression of love.Christians have had a complicated relationship with the idea of friendship throughout history, believing that the gospel call to agape love that loves even one's enemies relegates friendship to a lesser category. Yet Hill points to the relationship of David and Jonathan, Ruth and Naomi, and ultimately Jesus and his disciples who he call "friends" as counter examples and that what the gospel does is transform friendship from 'we two' to 'we two who welcome a third and fourth' in an outward looking community of love.
The second part is more personal. He begins by discussing an issue I've wondered about; can friendship and romance be sealed off from each other, particularly when friendship is with a person whose gender one is attracted to. Hill contends that it is not, but that our sexual orientation, even if gay, is in fact a gift in relationships if offered up to God, a gift that brings unique sensitivities and blessing to another, if there are others willing to receive and enter in. The next chapter is the most vulnerable in the book where Hill speaks of what it is to love and lose in friendship. He describes a relationship with a male friend who subsequently enters into a romantic relationship with a woman and the deep sense of loss and hurt this meant for Wes. Friendships end. Sometimes friends die. To love deeply is to be willing to suffer, which is perhaps why we hang back from such love, knowing what it will cost. However he does not end here but rather in a chapter on the ways a church might begin to recover friendship and what it could mean not only to individuals but to the quality of community. Among his challenges is one to mobility. This probably touches me most, because I know of those I've bonded deeply with at various points in life, who moved away. There are times when moves are right, and we've moved ourselves on two occasions. Do we ever consider that refraining from moving for the sake of friendship and community may sometimes be right?
I would have liked Hill to address the differences between healthy, deep relationships and unhealthy, co-dependent or manipulative relationships. I also wonder about how these deep friendships work out in the context of relationships with a person who is also married and is in that vowed relationship. It is apparent that he has enjoyed relationships with couples and it would be interesting to tease out these dynamics further.
I will be thinking about this book for some time. I find deeply compelling, for Christ-followers, the idea that our sexuality is not ultimately something to be fixed or satisfied, gay or straight, but offered to God. Hill's vulnerability challenges me with my own self-protectiveness that does not want to suffer, but in the end settles for the superficial. Might this not be the same challenge we face in the church?
_____________________________________
Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”
November 28, 2022
Wesley Hill wants to reintroduce the modern Christian to a stronger thicker understanding of friendship. As a celibate gay Christian, Hill has much at stake in this question. He has felt the loneliness and alienation of a world where social connections are severed quickly and people are viewed as consumable.
Hill wonders what it would look like to have stronger bonds of commitment in marriage. Should we "consider friendship more along the lines of how we think of marriage? Should we begin to imagine friendship as more stable, permanent, and binding than we often do?"
Hill challenges our value of freedom without limits. That is, "the myth that the less encumbered and entangled I am, or the less accountable and anchored I am to a particular relationship, the better I am able to find my truest self and secure real happiness.
Hill mines resources on friendship (including the likes of Kierkegaard, CS Lewis, Henri Nouwen) particularly from the medieval monk, Aelred of Rievaulx. Hill is particularly concerned about the way that the sexualization of relationships has shrunk the ability for us to appreciate same-sex friendship. In contrast, Hill wants to entrust all of himself to God, "My question, at root, is how I can steward and sanctify my homosexual orientation in such a way that it can be a doorway to blessing and grace."
The power of Christianity is that friendships are no longer established around what the other person can give us or what interests or similarities we share but are established upon the sacrificial love of Jesus Christ. "The good news of God in Christ took friendships based on preference and a pursuit of social status and made them about self-giving love."
Hill invites us to risk the hurt of friendship for the treasure of what it can be. He compares it to clutching onto a shard of ice. "Like a wedge of cold, brilliant crystal, the love you grasp will sear your skin. You'll want to escape the pain. And before you know it, you'll be staring at a hand shiny with moistness, but the ice will be nowhere in sight. First pain, then futility."
We have a Savior who invites us not just into salvation or religion, but into friendship. Jesus says, "No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you" (John 15:15). Jesus gave us friendship with himself and then invites us into deep friendships with one another. What a loving and kind God we have that he invites us into community.
Wesley Hill's personal and wise book "Spiritual Friendship" is important for the contemporary church. I hope that many read and are blessed by it. Moreso, I hope that the church becomes a place of deep and transformative friendships.
For more reviews see thebeehive.live.
Hill wonders what it would look like to have stronger bonds of commitment in marriage. Should we "consider friendship more along the lines of how we think of marriage? Should we begin to imagine friendship as more stable, permanent, and binding than we often do?"
Hill challenges our value of freedom without limits. That is, "the myth that the less encumbered and entangled I am, or the less accountable and anchored I am to a particular relationship, the better I am able to find my truest self and secure real happiness.
Hill mines resources on friendship (including the likes of Kierkegaard, CS Lewis, Henri Nouwen) particularly from the medieval monk, Aelred of Rievaulx. Hill is particularly concerned about the way that the sexualization of relationships has shrunk the ability for us to appreciate same-sex friendship. In contrast, Hill wants to entrust all of himself to God, "My question, at root, is how I can steward and sanctify my homosexual orientation in such a way that it can be a doorway to blessing and grace."
The power of Christianity is that friendships are no longer established around what the other person can give us or what interests or similarities we share but are established upon the sacrificial love of Jesus Christ. "The good news of God in Christ took friendships based on preference and a pursuit of social status and made them about self-giving love."
Hill invites us to risk the hurt of friendship for the treasure of what it can be. He compares it to clutching onto a shard of ice. "Like a wedge of cold, brilliant crystal, the love you grasp will sear your skin. You'll want to escape the pain. And before you know it, you'll be staring at a hand shiny with moistness, but the ice will be nowhere in sight. First pain, then futility."
We have a Savior who invites us not just into salvation or religion, but into friendship. Jesus says, "No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you" (John 15:15). Jesus gave us friendship with himself and then invites us into deep friendships with one another. What a loving and kind God we have that he invites us into community.
Wesley Hill's personal and wise book "Spiritual Friendship" is important for the contemporary church. I hope that many read and are blessed by it. Moreso, I hope that the church becomes a place of deep and transformative friendships.
For more reviews see thebeehive.live.
August 26, 2018
Beautifully written, both scholarly and personal, Hill addresses the existential loneliness of the human experience. Everyone, I think, is this lonely but few are this honest about it. And Hill and his gay friends live with a deeper level of loneliness because while I'm celebate now but have hope of marriage, they don't have this hope and must live with that chasm of loss. Still, I found myself wondering if Hill and his friends expect more from friendship and love than any covenanted relationship is ever capable of providing.
Hill suggests ways to live with loneliness within a church and most of them aren't new to me because he describes my own experience. This was affirming to me and also highlighted the treasure of committed friendships I enjoy. His call to love as Christ with sacrifice and service is true and sound. I also loved Hill's references to art and literature, and feel inspired to pursue some of them. In all, I found this a sensitive, poignant, winsome invitation to love well.
Hill suggests ways to live with loneliness within a church and most of them aren't new to me because he describes my own experience. This was affirming to me and also highlighted the treasure of committed friendships I enjoy. His call to love as Christ with sacrifice and service is true and sound. I also loved Hill's references to art and literature, and feel inspired to pursue some of them. In all, I found this a sensitive, poignant, winsome invitation to love well.
March 20, 2019
Wesley thinks physical homosexual acts are sinful, but everything that leads up to those acts are assumed, endorsed, embraced, and insisted on in this book. What's just as appalling is the lack of love and courage of those around him to tell him the truth. This truth would be the thing that would set him free.
August 9, 2023
I love Wesley Hill. I think he’s written a compelling and corrective word to the Church about the state of friendship. If we were to engage friendship in this deeper way, we would be transformed.
This book also had me very emotional. Reading about the experience of gay Christians who are attempting to live celibate is important for developing empathy.
This book also had me very emotional. Reading about the experience of gay Christians who are attempting to live celibate is important for developing empathy.
June 27, 2023
A notable book, for any Christian, not just singles. One of the last books I read posited that of all the things women wish for advice on, it's friendship--how to make and keep friends.
This book is about friendship, in all its messy glory. Thoughtfully told, sometimes almost painfully honest, full of real stories and hopeful relationships.
I own a copy of this book while writing this, but will probably be giving it to a friend.
This book is about friendship, in all its messy glory. Thoughtfully told, sometimes almost painfully honest, full of real stories and hopeful relationships.
I own a copy of this book while writing this, but will probably be giving it to a friend.
July 14, 2025
Really good! 4 stars because it at times felt unachievable and vague😔 Specifically, Hill doesn’t provide a clear stance or solution to the overlap friendships and romance can have (but he does say they can/do often overlap, which I appreciated) OR how to deal with it well when it inevitably happens (which I also greatly appreciated his view on). Ultimately, I was hoping to feel a little more settled on this tension after reading, but I’m aware it’s individualistic and complex.
Overall, gave me hope, but also made me sad because the church often does not operate this way. Wesley Hill’s story is so touching and I’m so thankful for his vulnerability <3 he has such lovely friends and I pray I too get to make a form of an actual covenant friendship with friends in the future ♥️
Overall, gave me hope, but also made me sad because the church often does not operate this way. Wesley Hill’s story is so touching and I’m so thankful for his vulnerability <3 he has such lovely friends and I pray I too get to make a form of an actual covenant friendship with friends in the future ♥️
April 23, 2016
I heard so many rave reviews of Wesley Hill's presentations at the Festival of Faith and Writing I decided to go ahead and read this book that, on first glance, doesn't seem like something I would pick up. I'm part of a Christian tradition that affirms same sex marriage, so Hill's commitment to celibacy as a gay man is foreign to me. I didn't agree with all of his theological and biblical interpretations, but this was nevertheless a beautifully crafted and emotionally stirring take on friendship. I'm very glad I read it, and I recommend it very highly.
July 9, 2015
Beautifully written, poignant and honest. But the view of "wedded friendship" (or vowed friendship), particularly in this context of same-sex attraction, I think muddies the waters at best and opens up temptation at worst (esp. if it's two friends with SSA).
December 23, 2019
A remarkable and sorely-needed book. A must-read on the beauties and challenges of friendship for anyone regardless of age, gender, relationship status, etc.
April 28, 2015
An eclipse of friendship. That is what author, theologian, and gay Christian Wesley Hill says has happened to friendship in our modern era. “Friendship is the freest, the least constrained, the least fixed and determined, of all human loves.” (xiii) You can never stop being a parent. You can never stop being the offspring of your parent. You can divorce your spouse, but you will always be an ex. But friendship is entirely voluntary and un-coerced. Some would even say that it is the least necessary relationship. The fact that friendship has been eclipsed completely by other relationships poses a problem for those in the church who are gay but have decided to live a life of celibacy because they desire to be faithful to scripture and the historic teachings of the church. Other people have a place to find meaningful, permanent, deep relationships, but with the devaluing of friendship celibate gay Christians miss out on the depth of love many others can experience. The main point of this book is to aid in the recovery of deeper spiritual friendship. It is supposed to apply to all sorts of Christians, not just the celibate-gay Christians addressed in the subtitle of the book.
Hill begins by describing why he thinks friendship is a relatively weak bond in our western cultures. He then goes on to argue that friendship can, and should, be understood (at times) as a vowed and committed relationship, much like a marriage or kinship bond. Having argued for this, he takes a look at what Scripture has to say about friendship. Having spent the first three chapters focusing on the cultural background of friendship, he then turns to the lived experience of friendship. He covers erotic bonds and friendships, what it means to cultivate friendships, and he offers some concrete ways to strengthen friendships in the church.
There is a lot to appreciate about this book – especially his discussion of Scripture and his suggestions for how we might strengthen friendships in the church. I also really appreciated his cultural study of friendships across time. But most of all – I appreciated his candidness when it came to describing his own struggles as a celibate-gay Christian. People need to hear about how Christians who have same sex attractions and desire deep, permanent relationships will feel knowing that they don’t have the possibility of marriage – the relationship which society today says is the ultimate expression of love. Now it should be noted – though Hill doesn’t do this – that its not only those who have same sex attractions that find themselves desiring deeper more permanent relationships. Other believers who choose to be celibate – or find themselves living a life of celibacy without choosing celibacy – will find themselves desiring these same things as well. Also, I can appreciate how he “de-sexualizes” meaningful friendships. How often have we heard that a guy and girl can’t really be friends without ulterior motives. As a society we are quick to sexualize most things, friendship included.
Nevertheless, I have some questions about some of what Hill has to say. For instance, he advocates for some sort of vow or commitment in friendships – similar to marriage. But what happens when one of these people get married? Should this relationship change, even just a little? Now imagine that a guy and a girl make this sort of de-sexualized friendship vow. What if the guy gets married to another girl. Now he has two permanent vows to two women. How will his wife feel about this? Or – looking at his discussion of these friendship vows in friendships where one person has a same sex attraction and the other does not. What should happen if one friend begins to fall in love with the other? This is not unreasonable, for love often occurs as we begin to share our hearts with one another (a very reasonable thing for a friendship). Is it healthy to keep diving deeper into this friendship if it become harder and harder for one friend not to be attracted to the other? There are no easy answers to these questions, but this book forces us to ask them, and at the very least begin to address them.
Overall this book is complicated. Not because it’s a “hard” read – rather because Wesley presents a vision of Christian friendship that will certainly seem foreign to us. Almost undoubtedly, you will experience some amount of internal tension while reading this book – regardless of where you stand on these issues. This book is challenging – it will challenge you regardless of what you think you know about love, friendship, and celibacy. Reading this book will force you to ask some questions you might have never thought of. This book will certainly act as a conversation starter for many thinking through these sort of tough issues.
Hill begins by describing why he thinks friendship is a relatively weak bond in our western cultures. He then goes on to argue that friendship can, and should, be understood (at times) as a vowed and committed relationship, much like a marriage or kinship bond. Having argued for this, he takes a look at what Scripture has to say about friendship. Having spent the first three chapters focusing on the cultural background of friendship, he then turns to the lived experience of friendship. He covers erotic bonds and friendships, what it means to cultivate friendships, and he offers some concrete ways to strengthen friendships in the church.
There is a lot to appreciate about this book – especially his discussion of Scripture and his suggestions for how we might strengthen friendships in the church. I also really appreciated his cultural study of friendships across time. But most of all – I appreciated his candidness when it came to describing his own struggles as a celibate-gay Christian. People need to hear about how Christians who have same sex attractions and desire deep, permanent relationships will feel knowing that they don’t have the possibility of marriage – the relationship which society today says is the ultimate expression of love. Now it should be noted – though Hill doesn’t do this – that its not only those who have same sex attractions that find themselves desiring deeper more permanent relationships. Other believers who choose to be celibate – or find themselves living a life of celibacy without choosing celibacy – will find themselves desiring these same things as well. Also, I can appreciate how he “de-sexualizes” meaningful friendships. How often have we heard that a guy and girl can’t really be friends without ulterior motives. As a society we are quick to sexualize most things, friendship included.
Nevertheless, I have some questions about some of what Hill has to say. For instance, he advocates for some sort of vow or commitment in friendships – similar to marriage. But what happens when one of these people get married? Should this relationship change, even just a little? Now imagine that a guy and a girl make this sort of de-sexualized friendship vow. What if the guy gets married to another girl. Now he has two permanent vows to two women. How will his wife feel about this? Or – looking at his discussion of these friendship vows in friendships where one person has a same sex attraction and the other does not. What should happen if one friend begins to fall in love with the other? This is not unreasonable, for love often occurs as we begin to share our hearts with one another (a very reasonable thing for a friendship). Is it healthy to keep diving deeper into this friendship if it become harder and harder for one friend not to be attracted to the other? There are no easy answers to these questions, but this book forces us to ask them, and at the very least begin to address them.
Overall this book is complicated. Not because it’s a “hard” read – rather because Wesley presents a vision of Christian friendship that will certainly seem foreign to us. Almost undoubtedly, you will experience some amount of internal tension while reading this book – regardless of where you stand on these issues. This book is challenging – it will challenge you regardless of what you think you know about love, friendship, and celibacy. Reading this book will force you to ask some questions you might have never thought of. This book will certainly act as a conversation starter for many thinking through these sort of tough issues.
February 16, 2019
This weak, thin book is a very inadequate discussion of what could be a substantive topic. However, Wesley Hill seems to have tossed it together with random thoughts and lack of order, never truly dealing with the subject until he gives a few simplistic practical tips in the final chapter.
It's actually rather confusing. At first the emphasizes that this is an exploration of "the theology of friendship," as if there is such a thing. He tries to pull together a few Bible verses, along with writings (mostly C.S. Lewis), that back up his idea that there is a strong message of friendship boundaries in scripture.
Then he slowly adds to that his personal story of being a celibate gay man. The book leaves the overall concept of friendship and spends most of its pages with him pining over men or examples of other Christian males wanting me, even halfway outing or questioning some Christian authors. We should be thankful for him not going the typical way of gay Christians distorting scripture, because he stands up to those who misuse the Bible, saying that it's clear sex is supposed to be between a married man and woman, therefore even if he is gay he can't consummate his sensual desires.
The problem that places him in is that he attaches himself to dozens of people, male and female, to fill the need for intimacy. But he never seems happy or fulfilled because he will never achieve it. So he spends the rest of the very short booklet trying to pull together what it means to be true friends without getting sexual.
He doesn't do a good job of it. He jumps all over the place, mixing his emotions with stories of falling in love with men, moving away from true friends, and never really clearly defining what the heck he is talking about. When he gets to the last chapter, his advice is so basic (1. Admit you need friends; 2. Look for friends around you; 3. Friendship flourishes in community; 4. Friendships strengthen community; 5. Friendships welcome strangers; 6. Choose to stay--physically or emotionally--even if it causes pain) that you realize this whole thing could have been a pamphlet or magazine article. And that he hasn't really learned much of anything about friendship.
Hill seems very sad and lonely, refusing to deal with some of his issues as a Biblical Christian living in the evangelical church by proudly proclaiming himself celibate gay. Somehow he thinks the louder he shouts about it and the more often he proclaims it, the less emptiness he'll feel inside. But the ache and longing is constantly there, even when he's surrounded by people.
He reminds me of a man working and living in a winery who has convinced himself he's an alcoholic because he longs so much for the product, boasting to visitors that he has never touched a drink, yet he is always in great thirst, trying every other possible liquid to quench him but none satisfy. His problem is solved by either getting out of the winery or not pretending and just drinking the alcohol.
Hill is refusing to leave his concept of faith-based sexuality or his desire to love men sensually, so he'll always be stuck in a corner feeling like he doesn't have enough intimate friends. That's not really spiritual friendship.
It's actually rather confusing. At first the emphasizes that this is an exploration of "the theology of friendship," as if there is such a thing. He tries to pull together a few Bible verses, along with writings (mostly C.S. Lewis), that back up his idea that there is a strong message of friendship boundaries in scripture.
Then he slowly adds to that his personal story of being a celibate gay man. The book leaves the overall concept of friendship and spends most of its pages with him pining over men or examples of other Christian males wanting me, even halfway outing or questioning some Christian authors. We should be thankful for him not going the typical way of gay Christians distorting scripture, because he stands up to those who misuse the Bible, saying that it's clear sex is supposed to be between a married man and woman, therefore even if he is gay he can't consummate his sensual desires.
The problem that places him in is that he attaches himself to dozens of people, male and female, to fill the need for intimacy. But he never seems happy or fulfilled because he will never achieve it. So he spends the rest of the very short booklet trying to pull together what it means to be true friends without getting sexual.
He doesn't do a good job of it. He jumps all over the place, mixing his emotions with stories of falling in love with men, moving away from true friends, and never really clearly defining what the heck he is talking about. When he gets to the last chapter, his advice is so basic (1. Admit you need friends; 2. Look for friends around you; 3. Friendship flourishes in community; 4. Friendships strengthen community; 5. Friendships welcome strangers; 6. Choose to stay--physically or emotionally--even if it causes pain) that you realize this whole thing could have been a pamphlet or magazine article. And that he hasn't really learned much of anything about friendship.
Hill seems very sad and lonely, refusing to deal with some of his issues as a Biblical Christian living in the evangelical church by proudly proclaiming himself celibate gay. Somehow he thinks the louder he shouts about it and the more often he proclaims it, the less emptiness he'll feel inside. But the ache and longing is constantly there, even when he's surrounded by people.
He reminds me of a man working and living in a winery who has convinced himself he's an alcoholic because he longs so much for the product, boasting to visitors that he has never touched a drink, yet he is always in great thirst, trying every other possible liquid to quench him but none satisfy. His problem is solved by either getting out of the winery or not pretending and just drinking the alcohol.
Hill is refusing to leave his concept of faith-based sexuality or his desire to love men sensually, so he'll always be stuck in a corner feeling like he doesn't have enough intimate friends. That's not really spiritual friendship.
February 25, 2025
This will be my shortest review yet for several reasons, but overall, I’m still chewing on this book. I believe this book contains some important truths that are helpful for the 21st century church. The value of friendship in our modern Western world has decreased. To the same end, the value of marriage in our modern Western world has also decreased. We’ve pushed to reaffirm the sanctity of marriage. How can we reclaim friendship in a healthy way in a world that prizes individualism and experiences a pervasive epidemic of loneliness? Lord, help us in this.
Nonetheless, I love Wes’s vulnerability and his willingness to share both his experiences and encouragement.
Nonetheless, I love Wes’s vulnerability and his willingness to share both his experiences and encouragement.
January 8, 2021
Sad story of someone reinterprets Scripture to fit his reality. Two major problems are 1) Hill downplays the uniqueness of the family in Scripture, and 2) He reinterprets celibacy for those who "burn" in their lusts as a noble and courageous self-sacrifice, contrary to Paul's inspired writing in 1 Corinthians 7 that allows for celibacy only those with the gift of continence. While we live in a fallen world that sometimes leaves people single, it remains true "it is not good for man to be alone," and that is why God made woman.
August 4, 2017
I don't know if I have been as encouraged by a book in the last few years as I have with this one. As a straight, single man in his thirties I have felt the pangs of loneliness and despondency (although not as thoroughly as the author has), and this book validated my feeling that friendship can and perhaps should be embued with more significance than our current culture sells to us.
Everyone should read this, and I say that about very few books.
Everyone should read this, and I say that about very few books.
February 1, 2018
I have so much respect for Wesley Hill. I see this book as beginning a conversation on friendships rather than practical how to.
February 16, 2020
Starts with the wrong foundations which leads him to grossly unbiblical principles of friendship. Absolutely atrocious.
January 7, 2021
Wow; what a poignant, beautiful, powerful read. Originally lent to me by a friend after I complained about people always thinking any close and deeply committed friendship had to be a sexual affair (“it’s like no one thinks you can love someone as much as Jonathan loved David, without there having to be sex involved”), I ended up buying it from him for the fact that it spoke to some more important frustrations in my life.
Through personal anecdotes, historical accounts and opinions, and his own prose, Hill writes a treatise on friendship that argues for its necessity, warns of its pitfalls, and casts a vision of its beauty. The book leaves one with a deep desire to seek out friends themselves, and also (at least for me), a desire to meet and maybe befriend the sweet, thoughtful and honest author himself.
Although Hill’s writing does seem like a powerful resource for LGBTQ+ Christians seeking intimacy in celibacy, I cannot really speak to that aspect, as I am about as heterosexual as they come. It did give me great empathy, though, for what people go through who have homosexual attraction but choose to remain celibate. I think the whole book could be alternatively subtitled “an ode to friendship” or “a homily on friendship: its benefits, potential pitfalls and pains, but ultimate Christian necessity and life-giving beauty,” but I can see why he went with the subtitle he did instead. ;P
Through personal anecdotes, historical accounts and opinions, and his own prose, Hill writes a treatise on friendship that argues for its necessity, warns of its pitfalls, and casts a vision of its beauty. The book leaves one with a deep desire to seek out friends themselves, and also (at least for me), a desire to meet and maybe befriend the sweet, thoughtful and honest author himself.
Although Hill’s writing does seem like a powerful resource for LGBTQ+ Christians seeking intimacy in celibacy, I cannot really speak to that aspect, as I am about as heterosexual as they come. It did give me great empathy, though, for what people go through who have homosexual attraction but choose to remain celibate. I think the whole book could be alternatively subtitled “an ode to friendship” or “a homily on friendship: its benefits, potential pitfalls and pains, but ultimate Christian necessity and life-giving beauty,” but I can see why he went with the subtitle he did instead. ;P
May 23, 2022
Wesley Hill casts a compelling vision for more committed, devoted friendships, which are able to escape the spirit of the age, of coming-and-going as we please, of being radically-free from our bonds to others. Friendship can heal us of this, as well as its narcissistic, exclusive counterpart. Although he didn’t spend time talking about either specifically, I also appreciated the many poignant examples of both male friendships and opposite-sex friendships.
The chapter on the sorrows of lost friendship was a timely and meaningful section for me. It’s scary, and sobering, how easily selfishness can blind us and poison the most beautiful things, and relationships. And yet it is good to remember that certain pain is wrapped up in the call of friendship itself, as love is for Christians a call to lay down ones life for ones friends. In friendship we are not freed from the possibility of loss, but we are free to give ourselves wholeheartedly to others, free to give ourselves to the joy and the pain, co-mingled as they ever are in this life.
The chapter on the sorrows of lost friendship was a timely and meaningful section for me. It’s scary, and sobering, how easily selfishness can blind us and poison the most beautiful things, and relationships. And yet it is good to remember that certain pain is wrapped up in the call of friendship itself, as love is for Christians a call to lay down ones life for ones friends. In friendship we are not freed from the possibility of loss, but we are free to give ourselves wholeheartedly to others, free to give ourselves to the joy and the pain, co-mingled as they ever are in this life.
July 17, 2023
This book is less of a theological break down of sexuality and more so a historical analysis of friendship + why we suck at it. Also, this book hurt, a lot. Wes is brutally honest in his recounting of lost relationships and the acknowledgment of friendship as something full of hard work and suffering. Our understanding of friendship has freedom - in that one can enter/exit without feeling bad about it so long as it’s their own choice (which is a pretty ugly power dynamic if you think about it). It brought up a lot of my l cynicism I have towards relationships in general.
Wes provides a historical analysis of friendship and how Western culture as over-sexualized intimacy whether it’s same-sex, queer, or opposite-sex. I’d add how hyper-individualism has caused us to diminish our own needs and avoid closeness with others. All relationships require an element of platonic friendship in order to remain selfless and mutually satisfying (if the latter is to even be sought after). All people need friendships.
Anyways, I’m gonna go relish in the past and put off re-reading Nic Ethics.
Wes provides a historical analysis of friendship and how Western culture as over-sexualized intimacy whether it’s same-sex, queer, or opposite-sex. I’d add how hyper-individualism has caused us to diminish our own needs and avoid closeness with others. All relationships require an element of platonic friendship in order to remain selfless and mutually satisfying (if the latter is to even be sought after). All people need friendships.
Anyways, I’m gonna go relish in the past and put off re-reading Nic Ethics.
Read
May 7, 2023Hill addresses a crucial feature of the nascent Church in need of recovery, living friendships to a heightened degree, invigorated and transfused by a common love for Christ as seen in Acts 2. I think he has expressed something incredibly valuable in his assertion that Christians who experience same-sex attraction can, in a vocational capacity, make the cultivation of such friendships a central mission of their lives. His many references to C.S. Lewis’s “The Four Loves” were hypercritical in my estimation.
May 8, 2020
Simply put: incredible. A sense of deeper, intimate friendship is something I have always seen in Scripture, but have rarely seen drawn out like Wesley does here. I fear that many cultural, American Christians will view this as an attack on their beliefs, but I think it truly goes hand-in-hand with marriage.
February 5, 2020
What an incredible read. I appreciate Hill’s depth of research. He unapologetically places before us the reality of disappointment but paints for us a wonderful picture of what friendship can be which is profoundly hopeful.
July 27, 2023
This gives a beautiful picture of what friendship can look like in the church for anyone. Lots to reflect on in this.
October 22, 2019
This book has given me a new perspective of friendship.
September 9, 2021
Though this book is primarily intended for casting vision for deep friendships for celibate gay Christians, I found it generally challenging my understanding of what friendship itself is. Drawing heavily from St. Aelred and his own life, Hill creates a more robust definition and practice of spiritual friendship than the flimsy modern friendships that have virtually no commitment to one another.
One major worldview change is to consider the cultural narrative, "You're mine because I love you," i.e. we're friends because I like you now and as soon as I don't like you, we're not friends. He suggests Christian friendships deserve deeper commitment, "I love you because you're mine," e.g. "we're friends because we've been given to one another as friends, and I commit to loving you when I like you and when I don't."
Given I've not heard a sermon on friendship and I've heard plenty on dating and relationships, it's high time churches consider how to build intimate bonds in their church communities beyond just marital bonds.
One major worldview change is to consider the cultural narrative, "You're mine because I love you," i.e. we're friends because I like you now and as soon as I don't like you, we're not friends. He suggests Christian friendships deserve deeper commitment, "I love you because you're mine," e.g. "we're friends because we've been given to one another as friends, and I commit to loving you when I like you and when I don't."
Given I've not heard a sermon on friendship and I've heard plenty on dating and relationships, it's high time churches consider how to build intimate bonds in their church communities beyond just marital bonds.
April 21, 2015
We had a saying about family when I was growing up: “You can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your relatives.” While this saying is meant to indicate the value and permanence of family, it also captures our culture’s understanding of friendship. Friendship is the freest of all relationships. Unfettered by obligation, it exists only for the mutual benefit and pleasure of its participants. However, the ‘free’ nature of friendship also means it can be fragile and often under-valued.
In his short volume, Spiritual Friendship, Wesley Hill seeks to reclaim friendship as a committed, long-term relationship. He laments how friendship has changed and been weakened in modern times. Hill, a celibate gay Christian and author of Washed and Waiting, notes that his initial interest in a reexamination of friendship came as he sought community and intimacy outside of sexual relationships. The traditional place for intimacy – marriage – is not a faithful option for him, but he does not believe this relegates him to a life without true intimacy. Instead, he argues that all of us – married or single, gay or straight – need the kind of intimacy we find in friendship. However, he perceives that friendship has been weakened in our culture as intimacy has been reduced to sexual intimacy.
In the first section of the book, Hill traces the history of friendship and its eclipse in modern western culture. He then points to historical resources in the culture and in Christian tradition that advocate strong, intimate, yet platonic, friendships. Finally, drawing on the stories of Ruth and Naomi, David and Jonathan, as well as the words of Jesus, Hill demonstrates the biblical foundations and shape of friendship.
The second half of the book explores some of the more practical challenges of friendship. Hill speaks of the constant desire for greater intimacy that we all have, and of how that can be complicated and painful for gay Christians. He repeatedly speaks hopefully about the joys and benefits that come with intimate friendships, but, in a sobering chapter, also recognizes that friends are called to suffer for one another. He concludes by outlining some practical steps to strengthen and encourage friendship.
I have been anticipating a book like this for a long time. I was hopeful that Hill would be able to articulate a powerful and biblical vision for friendship to a culture starved for meaningful relationships. Spiritual Friendship delivers on this promise. With accuracy and artistry, Hill’s work echoes many of my own concerns about the state of intimate, yet non-sexual, friendship, and my hopes for its recovery. The church needs to recover and reestablish ways of speaking about non-sexual relationships, particularly as we are brothers and sisters to people for whom sexual intimacy is not a present reality. Even for those who are married, non-sexual relationships are vital for being part of the body of Christ. Spiritual Friendship pushes this vision even further as it challenges the church to see friendships as a commitment equal to, but different than, marriage.
While Hill speaks with hope and joy about friendship, he is also refreshingly honest about its challenges. It won't not fix all our insecurities nor will it ease all our fears. We will still live with longing until Christ returns. Even our friendships will be marked by sacrifice as we await Christ’s coming. Jesus himself said that the greatest love is expressed in laying down your life for your friends (John 15:13). Sacrifice and suffering are part of friendship this side of Christ’s return.
Spiritual Friendship is a book for all of us who long for deeper friendships. It speaks wisely, accessibly, and hopefully about the possibilities of friendship. In a world where you can make ‘Friends’ with the click of a button, we all need more of Hill’s vision for a renewed commitment to life-long Christian friendships.
In his short volume, Spiritual Friendship, Wesley Hill seeks to reclaim friendship as a committed, long-term relationship. He laments how friendship has changed and been weakened in modern times. Hill, a celibate gay Christian and author of Washed and Waiting, notes that his initial interest in a reexamination of friendship came as he sought community and intimacy outside of sexual relationships. The traditional place for intimacy – marriage – is not a faithful option for him, but he does not believe this relegates him to a life without true intimacy. Instead, he argues that all of us – married or single, gay or straight – need the kind of intimacy we find in friendship. However, he perceives that friendship has been weakened in our culture as intimacy has been reduced to sexual intimacy.
In the first section of the book, Hill traces the history of friendship and its eclipse in modern western culture. He then points to historical resources in the culture and in Christian tradition that advocate strong, intimate, yet platonic, friendships. Finally, drawing on the stories of Ruth and Naomi, David and Jonathan, as well as the words of Jesus, Hill demonstrates the biblical foundations and shape of friendship.
The second half of the book explores some of the more practical challenges of friendship. Hill speaks of the constant desire for greater intimacy that we all have, and of how that can be complicated and painful for gay Christians. He repeatedly speaks hopefully about the joys and benefits that come with intimate friendships, but, in a sobering chapter, also recognizes that friends are called to suffer for one another. He concludes by outlining some practical steps to strengthen and encourage friendship.
I have been anticipating a book like this for a long time. I was hopeful that Hill would be able to articulate a powerful and biblical vision for friendship to a culture starved for meaningful relationships. Spiritual Friendship delivers on this promise. With accuracy and artistry, Hill’s work echoes many of my own concerns about the state of intimate, yet non-sexual, friendship, and my hopes for its recovery. The church needs to recover and reestablish ways of speaking about non-sexual relationships, particularly as we are brothers and sisters to people for whom sexual intimacy is not a present reality. Even for those who are married, non-sexual relationships are vital for being part of the body of Christ. Spiritual Friendship pushes this vision even further as it challenges the church to see friendships as a commitment equal to, but different than, marriage.
While Hill speaks with hope and joy about friendship, he is also refreshingly honest about its challenges. It won't not fix all our insecurities nor will it ease all our fears. We will still live with longing until Christ returns. Even our friendships will be marked by sacrifice as we await Christ’s coming. Jesus himself said that the greatest love is expressed in laying down your life for your friends (John 15:13). Sacrifice and suffering are part of friendship this side of Christ’s return.
Spiritual Friendship is a book for all of us who long for deeper friendships. It speaks wisely, accessibly, and hopefully about the possibilities of friendship. In a world where you can make ‘Friends’ with the click of a button, we all need more of Hill’s vision for a renewed commitment to life-long Christian friendships.
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