Abandoned Parents: The Devil's Dilemma: The Causes and Consequences of the Abandonment of Parents by Adult Children

by Sharon A. Wildey

Adult children who abandon their parents are becoming an issue around the globe. This book is about the causes and consequences of this abandonment and abuse.

101 pages, Kindle Edition

First published September 1, 2014

Reviews

[Linda · Rating 1 out of 5]

It's hard to believe that someone capable of earning a law degree could write such an incoherent book. This book brings very little light or understanding to the issue of family estrangement, but it provides false comfort to parents who want to believe that they are blameless victims of their estranged children, who are inveterate sinners bound for hell. It is lopsided and offers little real insight or practical advice to parents.

They say you get what you pay for--I guess that's why this book is free online.

[Kat Palmateer · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is hilarious. It read like the diary of a narcissist.

Look, good parents don't get abandoned- they encourage autonomy.

Parents make a choice to have kids- kids don't get to choose. Adult children get to choose.

If you don't want to be disposable- stop acting like garbage.

🤷

[Issendai · Rating 1 out of 5]

An incoherent mess whose central idea is that estrangement is a violent hate crime, and that people who cut off their parents are trying to emotionally, spiritually, or even physically murder them. The author is so wrapped up in her own perspective that even when she addresses estranged adult children directly, most of her examples of how estrangement is affecting the adult children's lives are actually examples of how their parents are affected. She truly can't see beyond her own pain and its world-swallowing importance.

Her advice is beyond awful. For example, she believes that if someone is an alcoholic or a drug addict, they need their family's help and support, and it's cruel to cut them off. She recommends that children of addicts go to Al-Anon to learn how to resume a relationship with their parents with appropriate boundaries. (Fortunately, Al-Anon understands ideas like "let the addict hit bottom" and "put your own oxygen mask on first.") When a parent can't get through to their married child, she recommends getting the child's spouse's parents and siblings involved. What she recommends is a list of the kinds of behaviors that get parents cut off.

Interestingly, the author is the subject of quite a few legal studies. In 1993, after a two-month courtship and a seven-week engagement, her fiance, Richard Springs, broke up with her... and she sued him for breach of promise to the tune of $178,000. The case was eventually thrown out, and Wildey sued a personal friend who gave her legal counsel, claiming the friend's bad advice amounted to malpractice and caused Wildey to lose the case. Both cases were shot through with badly written briefs, opportunistically reinterpreted evidence, and interpretations of the law that went beyond incompetent and into delusional. The legal analyses of the cases are fascinating reading, and shed light on the teen years of the children who are now estranged from Wildey.

Quite a few estranged parents do find comfort in this book, but mainly because it reflects their own grief and pain. It makes them feel less alone. That's a worthy goal. But what the book doesn't do is contain insight into estrangement or effective advice for reconciling.

[Kellie Duncan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Horribly missed the mark

This book does not consider adult children that choose not to have a relationship with a parent due to abuse and narcissism from the parent. There is no exception for kids that are estranged for self protection. The book is totally one sided and groups all situations into the same. Adult children don't usually abandon a parent on a whim and there is usually a reason as to why they do.

[Theoderik Trajanson · Rating 1 out of 5]

This is the book I would expect Rick Santorum to write for his gay son.

[Linda Martin · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am surprised by the negative reviews this book got and am guessing these reviews could have been left by adult children who abandoned their parents and who don't want abandoned parents to pick up a book that would help them.

This book is very edifying and helpful for a parent who is dealing with the trauma of having been abandoned by an adult child. I wish this book had existed twenty years ago when my daughter abandoned me. By this time I've worked through most of the trauma but back then I would have loved knowing more about the issues and ... I would have loved knowing I was not the only one.

This book definitely is not just a rant. Not at all. It is full of analysis and helpful advice. There are only two things that bothered me about the book... well, three, really.

1. It was priced way too high for a paperback of about 100 pages.

2. The author is both a pastor and an attorney. I was hoping for more information from a Christian point of view, but instead she wrote more from the point of view of someone who experienced this trauma, and analyzed it.

3. There are some typos. I can't understand why anyone would let a book be published that hasn't thoroughly been edited. I found exactly 13 typos - it wasn't every page; most pages were just fine. I marked all the typos in pink and can easily tell the author where they are if she wants to contact me for that information.

It is because of the typos that I've given this book four stars instead of five. The information in the book was very helpful and well-presented. It is not overly scholarly.

Even despite all these errors and issues I very much recommend this book to anyone who is suffering from being abandoned by an adult child. We all need the comfort of knowing there are others who have experienced this treachery and survived.

As for my situation - my daughter has stubbornly refused to reconcile with me and has never told me why she won't talk to me. She was taken from me by her father, with his female friend as support in that endeavor. In court he told lies about me in the court papers and I was unable to defend myself from them. He had an attorney and I could not afford to hire one. I figured that if he was willing to lie to the court there were surely times my daughter was lied to about me as well. He once told me, "All's fair in love and war," and that apparently was his excuse for devious behavior that hurt me and damaged my relationship with my daughters.

It is a tragedy - but twenty years have gone by since she became 18 and she's had plenty of time to figure this out on her own and she hasn't ever given me a chance to tell my side of the story, or to correct inaccuracies in what she thinks she knows about me. By this time I've gone through all the stages of grieving and have emerged a strong and happy person who has converted to Christianity and who finds great comfort in knowing the love of the Lord. If Jesus loves me (and He does, very much) do I really care what other people think? Not really!

I pray for my daughter and her family, and hope someday she will recognize the truth... but I no longer yearn to have her in my life. The relationship is damaged and it would take time and effort to try to get it back on track. To be honest, at some point I stopped caring so much. As her mother of course I still love and pray for her, but if she wants to hold herself apart, it is okay with me. I don't spend my life wanting to be with people who don't want to be with me.

[Nina Hundley · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the best book I have read on this subject.
It is real and honest; sometimes brutally honest. But it was the kick in the pants I needed at the time to help me continue to move forward. Any one who has become an abandoned parent the pain is so horrific and you keep asking yourself why. This book helps answer some of those questions.

[Rhi Spawn · Rating 1 out of 5]

Sharon wanted to be able to sleep at night with all the poor choices she'd made throughout her life, including those that lead her children to no longer desiring a relationship with her.

This is perhaps the best example I've ever seen of shrugging ANY personal responsibility. It reads like a rambling diary entry (featuring all her grammatical and spelling errors). Sharon argues that adult children "abandoning" their parents is abusive, but neglects to explore any abusive behaviour from the parents themselves that these kids are (rightly) trying to escape from.

You do not owe your abusers anything. Not time, contact, a relationship, anything. Even if they are your parents, especially if they are your parents. You deserve respect and love and you deserve space and time away from those who don't give them to you.

Own up to your mistakes Sharon, this book is pathetic.

[Iris · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is so strange. It doesn't read like a book, but like an angry, incoherent letter. The author contradicts herself, repeats herself, and there was a lack of copy editing so the voice is inconsistent and there are some grammar issues and typos.
It also paints a view of the world that just doesn't make sense, and there's only anecdotal evidence from the author's friends' lives to back it up.
The intended audience seems to be other estranged parents, but the author gives wildly inappropriate advice that would enhance a parent's pain and even get them in trouble.
I really can't recommend that anyone read this book, and an estranged parent who needs comfort and support should look elsewhere.

[Saskia Amaro · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is interesting, at first is so much anger presented by the author... an abandoned parent herself, and then it becomes more thoughtful and productive in its nature. I was so ready to be angry when I opened this book! After years of doubt and confusion, I was ready for someone to help me declare that my son is just a thoughtless, selfish jerk. However, I also appreciated that we all have to acknowledge that this is a process that is best taken with heart. So, again I trudge the bumpy road to come to accept my new reality.

[G Conlon · Rating 5 out of 5]

A Wonderful Book

This is a very important book that speaks to the "silent epidemic" in our midst. This is the only book I have read that lays it all out in all of it's horror, but also helps one navigate the troubled waters.

[Roberta Thomas · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an analytical book. If you don't want real understanding, real healing, and clear insight, then this is not the book for you. As a severely emotionally abused parent who spent most of her life asking "why, why" and ruminating over and over, "What have I done wrong. How can I make this relationship work?" .....and more "why? why?"... this was what my soul needed. It was an eye-opener, as painful as it was. And it helped me so much. Yes, I cried for about 3 days or more, grieving the loss I knew I had to accept because first of all, I had done nothing wrong. And the harder I tried, I was "gas lighted" by my child. Meanwhile, my child, now adult child, continued to lie, steal, fabricate, distort, gaslight, bully, lay blame, accuse, push buttons, ad inf... It just never, ever stopped. As a mother, our instinct is to "try to make things right, to try to save our child." Sometimes, however, it is time to face reality. Our children are now adults. It's time to let go. Leave the parental abuse behind. Close the door and keep moving. Accept a new life and new future without shame or guilt. If your adult child does not appreciate your love, devotion, and care, perhaps it is time to let go. Yes. it is indeed abusive and it hurts. But a parent needs to stop ruminating about the past. Stop questioning "Where things went wrong" as it is a toxic relationship. Start accepting a new present. Leave the abuse and blame and gas lighting and hurt behind. Love yourself. Accept yourself. I very much recommend this book.

[Dorie LaRue · Rating 5 out of 5]

Telling like it is...

This book is invaluable to everyone in our culture. Though these circumstances may not reflect half the population the words in this book revealed a dark wormy underside that ultimately affects us all. The assertions in this book aptly capture the phenomenon of parent abandonment and sums up with no sugar coating exactly what many face up close. Spelled out facts become a door for understanding. The book also offers suggestions for coping and points to a plethora of other helpful places. Invaluable. Should be on the Times best seller list. The author speaks the truth.

[Oel Wingo · Rating 4 out of 5]

Understanding abandonment

I am very interested in the why of behavior. This book gives some solid insight into a growing phenomenon. Differentiating between estrangement and abandonment was a particular eye opener for me. Many parents are estranged from their children, but may not recognize it. When they are ultimately abandoned the prior symptoms of estrangement,nets are obvious. I agree with the theory that the baby boomer generation raised a very narcissistic generation. Recommended reading if you wish to better understand.

[Nicola Cataldo · Rating 3 out of 5]

The book is a rant. Sometimes incoherent, sometimes tragically sad and often angry. But despite the ham-handed presentation there is real content. There is indeed an epidemic of parent-blaming and a new wave notion that any relationship that isn't flawless should be blown to smithereens because no one should have to hear anything that doesn't sound like praise and adoration. Even if its your own parents. But that standard doesn't apply the other way around.

This reads like a first draft but there is so much passion and pain, I wonder if it's an indication of the amount of pain she's in.

[Nicola Cataldo · Rating 4 out of 5]

Contains some good insights; maybe great insights but it's puzzling that the author couldn't find an editor to eliminate some of the errors that made it hard to read. It's a bit of an angry rant in places, which detracts from the overall important content.

[Joy · Rating 1 out of 5]

If your adult child is no longer speaking to you, it is your fault.

[Pam Grossman · Rating 5 out of 5]

No you are not crazy and no you are not alone.

My two sons are and always have been the greatest of rivals and as they grew into adulthood their dislike and disrespect of each other grew as well. Then when both started having issues in their relationships somehow I caught the wrath of their frustration and anger. Somewhere along the way, I started being alienated and shunned - particularly when it came to giving the other one support when needed. Disrespectful comments towards me soon followed as well as periods of abandonment and not being a family in any sense of the word. Thankfully, my adult daughter, has kept me from slipping over the edge during particularly difficult times. This book surprisingly popped up as an Amazon suggestion while looking for household items to purchase. Maybe it was a godsend as my reading of it made me feel like I hadn’t created this situation and that my depression and suicidal ideation was not extraordinary and maybe I should stop trying to repair or fix a situation that I have no idea of how it occurred in the first place. It simply is.

[Becky · Rating 5 out of 5]

Based off her research of parents who have been abandoned by their adult children the author lays out a short but powerful plan on how to live with this grief. There are many ideas in the book, but the sentence that got me tells that most of the time complete healing is impossible. It is a grief that has no closure. That struck me as true--and it was sobering. The book did give strategies for living with and attempting to heal from this parental abuse. Activities such as prayer, meditation, yoga, sitting in nature and others are all mentioned as ways to attempt to heal from the awful abuse these adult children uncaringly measure out.

[Cyndie Tozzo · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good information. Mainly for good parents that were cruelly abandoned by thier children. I was looking for healing and coping info. I gave my child good reason to estrange me. Years ago when I wasn't parent material. I have done major work on myself and am very different. I am not the person I was. I don't expect anything. I just want to learn to cope with the crushing pain of not being in my child's and their children's lives. I am a ghost and a shadow. I cannot even watch from afar on social media. It triggers depression. This book was helpful in learning to cope with that pain.

[Nancy · Rating 5 out of 5]

A Must Read

If you are going through the unthinkable abandonment from your child, this book is a must read to help you get your sanity back. Sharon doesn’t beat around the bush as she describes how destructive this abuse by our grown children is on us and how we must find ways to move on from the trauma in order to save ourselves.
Difficult to read but more difficult to not.

[Christy collins · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great job to start the healing process of ostracism. I agree with the words. The most painful thing experienced by a parent is ostracism and I say this from the perspective of a parent who has also buried a child. This feeling is MUCH more grievous.

[J.J. Valdez · Rating 1 out of 5]

What self-obsessed drivel.

[Kim Schuffert · Rating 1 out of 5]

Seemed like an angry woman to me. No real insight of problems. With her education and background. I expected better.

[Kristina C. Floyd · Rating 5 out of 5]

So insightful

The knowledge and good feelings I got from this book is almost overwhelming. Everything I have read about abandoned parents dwells on the parents with the guilt and the shame. I was so tired of those false hateful feelings, I was a good mother. My daughter made her life with someone that never liked us and convinced her to hate us. Please if you are in this situation please read this truthful, honest and helpful book. You won’t regret it.

[Cynthia White · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book to help parents come to terms with abandonment.
It's difficult, but wise to advise parents to stop beating themselves up, stop agonizing, and live their lives well despite the loss.

[Christy collins · Rating 5 out of 5]

So much help in the process of healing.