Breeding in Captivity: One Woman's Unusual Path to Motherhood

by Stacy Bolt

Breeding in Captivity takes us on Stacy Bolt’s journey to have a child at "advanced maternal age," first with the help of a Really Expensive fertility specialist, and then ultimately through a local adoption agency. But this isn’t your typical serious memoir about struggling with infertility; it’s an entertaining, witty read that perfectly balances humor with its more poignant moments.  Breeding in Captivity is about a quirky, lovable couple that you root for through their fertility struggles and adoption adventures. It's about the hundreds of Internet message boards where annoyingly perky women from Kappa Alpha Fruitcake refer to sex as "babydancing" and sprinkle virtual "baby dust" on each other. It’s about meeting birthmothers and deciding on open adoptions. It’s about being chosen and then having a birthmother change her mind. But ultimately, it’s about hope, how life can surprise you, and laughing through the insanity.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Adoption, Parenting, Humor, Biography Memoir, Biography

197 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 2013

Reviews

[Summer · Rating 5 out of 5]

I want to be friends with Stacy Bolt! I saw her do a talk about her book at Powells Bookstore and her humor sucked me into buying this book. She spoke with such wit on such a hard topic--infertility. The book was every bit as biting and funny as her talk was....and the end of the book had me bawling. My hats off to this lady and what all she went through to become a mom. She's a warrior...and a smartass.

[Emily · Rating 5 out of 5]

Highly recommend this book. I got it in the mail yesterday and inhaled it. Full transparency: I'm lucky enough to know and work with Stacy, and I think she's a super talented writer. She's smart and hilarious.

This book is the story of her long, rocky road to motherhood. It's laugh out loud funny and so incredibly painful at the same time. For anyone that has gone through infertility and IUI and the manic highs and lows that brings, Stacy is that friend you wish you had when you were going through it. She puts into words exactly how it feels. Exactly.

Her story is also a wonderful snapshot of a great marriage. It makes you so happy that she and her husband become parents in the end. Because they were tested and tested and tested, and then tested some more, and they stayed strong and got each other through it...despite not so sexy sex, despite flakey birthmothers, and despite an iguana named Elvis.

READ. THIS. BOOK.

[Jane · Rating 3 out of 5]

I won this book through the GoodReads First Reads program.

Lately I've been reading a lot of nonfiction memoir which seem to have forgotten that even though a memoir is meant to relate a personal and mostly-true story from your life, it is still a constructed piece of writing -- which means you can, and should, edit your words just as carefully as you would something you had completely made up.

Stacy Bolt's "Breeding in Captivity" is one of those memoirs which remembers that it is perfectly okay to edit. At under 200 pages in the Advance Reading Copy, "Breeding in Captivity" was a quick and enjoyable read, and I wished it had been longer. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I would much rather have a short, well-constructed book with a beginning, middle, and end, than a longer, confusing, rambling account of something that was no doubt of huge importance to the author but merely put me to sleep.

This book is extremely focused. You don't hear much about her relationship with her husband before they got married. You don't hear much about her relationship with her husband after they get married. And some tantalizing information (her husband creates halloween scenes?) could use some fleshing out. But this focus pays off, in a way, because it left me wanting more.

I'd buy the author's next book, if only to hear about what happens next in her life.

This ARC, by the way, was really well-done. It has a really cute cover, is a pleasing size for your hand, and a blurb from Cheryl Strayed (another memoirist who understands the power of the edit). The first page explains clearly that there will be changes in the final version and that you might find typos. And I didn't notice a single typo.

[HEichEL · Rating 5 out of 5]

I had to wait behind at least 10 people at the Library for this book. When it arrived I was working, & I kept sneaking a read whenever it was slow. Once I got home I devoured it all in one sitting. It is an easy, entertaining read. Because it takes place where I live & because I've already experienced similar things I really related to the stories she told. It was so brilliant that I off-handedly told my husband he should read it, not really expecting that he would, & now he's most of the way through it.

[Jenn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Bolt's book is a quick read that is very relatable and filled with my kind of sarcastic, self-deprecating humor in the midst of a situation that is far from funny. The book tracks her (and husband's) journey through unsuccessful infertility treatments and then subsequent pitfalls navigating through the adoption world.

I loved the chapter on the 120 questions for those who want to adopt. I also wish she would have included more in the infertility section about the Clomid. Most women I know, myself included, who have taken it call it "hell month" and remark about how crazy we were/felt/etc. My absolute favorite part is my favorite part of any adoption story: the moment. The moment they get the news and that they meet their children. The moment you never forget, no matter how much time has passed. "What took you so long?" she asks her newborn son Xander.

I can't imagine what it must have been like to have 3, well 4, adoption possibilities that didn't turn out. We specifically chose to go with a different agency than friends based on the fact that ours won't call until it is a sure thing. Our friends knew 3 weeks in advance and were picked quickly, almost out of the shoot, but the birthfather was wishy-washy the whole time. Another couple had at least one not work out as well. I was much happier with our 18 month wait and a surprise phone call. I could not have dealt with the guess-what, maybe-not.

This is a great book that I will share with friends and family who are currently or have previously traveled the secretive and treacherous terrains of infertility and adoption. As hush-hush and scary as it all is, it is amazing how many people had been through it. I think the reluctance to talk is based on several factors: fear of the unknown, thinking you are broken, and wanting to hold people's judgement and unsolicited comments and advice at bay. While people I'm sure mean the best, they can often say the wrong thing or relate the horror stories. (Recent favorites discussed with a newly discovered adopting mom include "Now that you've adopted, I bet you'll get pregnant" [answer: "sorry, that would be nice but not physically possible"] and "So what about his 'real' mom?" [answer: "Yep that would be me. I am the one who he calls mom, who wakes up with him, who changed diapers, etc. We do know his birthmom but I'm the real one.]

******
I was so excited to win this from First Reads and checked the mail daily. Best part of the rainy weekend is hopefully I can dig straight in.

I received the book for free through Goodreads First Reads.

[Liza · Rating 2 out of 5]

You lose a star for using the R-word in the book. There's absolutely no reason for writing and publishing that word. Especially in a book about adoption!

Other than that I really enjoyed the author's voice as it came off the pages. It was authentic, raw, and often very funny. The infertility section of the book was very relatable in my opinion.

My main complaints are about the adoption process as portrayed in this book. I'm just wondering about the agency that the couple used. They didn't seem to do a good job about education. Every agency I have heard of emphasizes that adoptions often fall through or are disrupted. To gloss over that is unethical. And the couple didn't seem to understand why openness in adoption is good. That kid you adopt has a family of origin, and one day he might want to know more about them! Sure it makes life more complicated for you, but this is about the kid, right? Lastly, the agency seemed to do a HORRIBLE job with counseling expectant families. I mean, yikes. Oh and lastly lastly, I don't think anyone should be criticized for choosing to parent. That is their right. You are not owed anything when it comes to adoption, especially a child! I can't stand negative talk about birth mothers.

Anyways I hope that the author and her family are doing well now. I still insist that there is only one memoir about domestic infant adoption that I relate to, and it is one written by Dan Savage. Go figure.

[Shelia Rudesill · Rating 5 out of 5]

This memoir touched my heart and I went through a whole box of tissues identifying with Stacy’s deep desire for a child to call her own. BREEDING IN CAPTIVITY is a lovely story written with more humor than anguish, but then it’s said that we forget the bad and remember the good as time moves on. I identified with many (okay, all) of Stacy’s emotions. Not because I was infertile but because I am childless.

Many memoirs tend to be overly sentimental and wallowing in pity but not this one. Stacey Bolt tells it just like it is and she tells it beautifully.

BTW I’m not related to Stacey but share this piece of wisdom from chapter eight in my family, too: “I think the world would probably be fine without another passive-aggressive Bolt.”

[Susan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have had this book on my bedside shelf for years-- have been in a bit of a reading slump the past month or two, and decided to pick it up because it was short. I loved the story about a 30-something couple who married later in life and their journey to try to have a family. Bolt describes the agonies and highs of infertility and adoption with a keen sense of humor, but also tons of heart. Her writing is fantastic, and I'm so glad I decided to dive into this book on Mother's Day. Recommended to people who enjoy memoir and women who've been through infertility. Five stars.

[Kelly Young · Rating 5 out of 5]

My all time favorite infertility book! A must read for anyone struggling with infertility. This is a feel good story and I connected so much to the author. I needed something to lift my spirits and give me hope during the darkness. This absolutely achieved that. I already want to read it again!

[Mariko · Rating 5 out of 5]

I needed this book! A humorous look at an infertility journey, which is refreshing since the rest are (understandably) downers. I related to the author a lot and enjoyed her voice, especially since we're both from Portland. Highly recommend for anyone struggling with infertility.

[Jennifer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Hilarious memoir. The author (Stacey) is an advertising exec and brings a witty, relatable humor to her story. Stacey and her husband have you rooting for them all the way.

[Barbara Moher · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this one in 2 days... I am still teary over the ending.... I laughed, I cried.... it was great! No connection to me at this grandmother time of my life.. but I really loved this book!

[Katherine (DirectorKat) · Rating 4 out of 5]

Breeding in Captivity: One Woman's Unusual Path to Motherhood

Stacy Bolt’s story of how she becomes a mother in our modern world is witty and funny. She tells the story of how her and her husband deal with infertility and finally adoption on their pathway to becoming parents. We travel with her as she makes the decision to marry, then to become a mom. We learn how her “advanced maternal age” affects the ability to conceive and then finally we go through the ups and downs of adoption. Each step of the way we get a glimpse of the decision making process. We are told about how her and her husband feel about the next steps and what the many options are.

As a women who is currently dealing with some of these issues I was drawn to this book in hopes that the writer would help answer some questions and talk about the fears I was facing in my life. This book did address the thoughts that every one in the predicament of being an older mother share but not in a way that makes you feel sorry for the writer. She states her fears, i.e. an adoptive parent taking back the child, or being austraized for expressing a preference while adopting, with a gentle voice and quickly keeps going.

While I liked the fact that the author talks about subjects that are often not discussed in public, I think that she was holding back. The feelings are mentioned almost second handedly and don’t seem to be given as much strength as they had to be effecting them. The tough parts are talked about fast and quickly in an effort to get to the next witty or funny antidote. When the two of them slide from infertility treatments to adoption the event is just the next step and never addresses the loss that the author felt at not being able to have a child, with the exception of a off handed remark about how she doesn’t feel like a women because she can’t get pregnant. While this book is great for an introduction to the idea of what the modern society puts “older moms” through to have a family for anyone who has been there even just a little bit the story lacks depth.

I would also like to add that this story may seem unusual to some but it is becoming common in modern life. More and more couples are dealing with these issues and as a society we need to be more open and more supportive of these couples.

Over all I think this is a great light read that had me reading way past my bedtime because I wanted to know what was next for the couple. Often I wondered if this story was when they would become a family and kept reading. Stacy Bolt is entertaining and fun to read. This book would be great for anyone who wants to read a light audio biography or wants to take baby steps into learning about the modern world of becoming parents when the wife is over 35 or the couple has been trying over a year. It was a good read and I might visit it again someday.

[Heidi | Paper Safari Book Blog · Rating 4 out of 5]

I feel I should start off by saying I am one of those annoying women who you just look at and I seem to get pregnant. Although my GYN told me I may have trouble conceiving due to some complications I had as a teenager, they were wrong, very very wrong. So although I can not first hand understand all the feelings, emotions and gut wrenching moments that Stacy went through during her journey to parenthood I can empathize with her since I spend my days helping women like her to adopt.

This book has to be one of the most funny yet honest looks at a woman's journey to parenthood. I have had friends go through these different steps and I have witnessed it first hand in my work and its hard. Stacy has a way of telling her tale with a light touch and a wit that will keep you laughing and smiling but you can also feel the pain, the desperation and finally the relief when her journey finally ends with her adopting.

Her journey through the adoption process is spot on. The hoops she jumps through the feelings of euphoria and then the disappointment of a failed adoption. The anger that she has to fill out 120 questions and have someone "judge" her when women on meth and crack are having babies all the time with no issues. This book is honest and spot on while also being light hearted. This is a great book for those experiencing the pain of fertility struggles to know you are not alone and for those entering into adoption to read first hand some of the ups and downs that go along with that process as well. All paths to parenthood are a roller coaster, but each is a little different.

[Teji · Rating 3 out of 5]

Centennial Book Club: 9/15/15: Susan
Ebook version

This is a short, very focused, and well-constructed memoir that explores one couples attempt to have a child and all of the barriers and heartbreak that means when the wife learns she is infertile. I think Bolt captures the emotion well. It is meant to be funny but is mostly sardonic.

Quotes
“Q: How could a child most easily upset you and how will you handle it?
A: There is nothing my child could ever do to upset me, because I plan to be on Valium for the duration of his or her childhood. Hey, if it’s good enough for my mom, it’s god enough for me.” Ch11

“Q: What kinds of activities do you enjoy separately from your partner?
A: Getting drunk with my girlfriends and complaining about my partner.”

“Q: What is your relationship with religion?
A: We are no longer on speaking terms.”

“Q: How will you discuss adoption with your child?
A: We will tell our child that she was purchased from the police, and if she misbehaves we can return her for a better child.”

“After the seminar came the actual home visit by a clinician from the agency…'Hi! I’m Cindy, and I’m here to judge you," she said as she stood smiling on our front porch." We liked Cindy.” Ch12

“When I was little, and the TV show Candid Camera was popular, I became obsessed with the idea that I was secretly being filmed. I lived in constant fear that every embarrassing moment of my life would be broadcast on television…” Ch12

[Karin · Rating 5 out of 5]

DISCLAIMER: I have known Stacy since the alphabetical seating chart model made us neighbors in middle school. We were friends through high school, when college and life caused our paths to part. During our time in school, I had the opportunity to read quite a few of Stacy's essays as we passed our work to a neighbor to review before turning it in. I have always enjoyed her wit and humor. This was no exception.


Given the subject matter, you wouldn't expect to be laughing out loud as you read this book, but I was; in Les Schwab. Perhaps it was the fact that, as previously mentioned, I know the author, at least I did in our teen years, and I could envision her in the midst of these situations and conversations.

While my heart ached for her and the struggle she and her husband were going through, that quick wit and humor that is at her core never left her. I admire the way she was able to put this story down on paper and I would recommend it to anyone; not only as a story about a "woman's unusual path to motherhood," but as a story about the bonds of love and friendship and the strength and determination of the human spirit.

[Mary · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this based on a friend's review. I do have to say the bit on endometriosis was, imho, simplified. "Treatment" doesn't merely consist of being "vacuumed" out. in fact, pregnancy, although difficult with endo, is one of the the most effective treatment.

Her section on adoption, however, had me in tears. A lot. I was one of those instant parents, and it was terrifying, but amazing! When she described how she was angry or judgmental (if that's the word I want), I admit I would feel that, too. I have also had those thoughts of how is it fair that I have to prove I'm fit to be a parent when so many don't. The feelings don't last long, but they happen.

As I said I was often in tears. My adoption story was much easier, easier than most. Still, I'm always reminded how adoptive families are so relatable. No one knows what you're going through like another adoptive parent. I could relate despite our stories being so different (though not much different in the very end!)

So glad Cory's review inspired me to read it!

[Deb Stone · Rating 5 out of 5]

This sometimes tender, sometimes hilarious memoir is occasionally irreverent but always shows heart. The early chapters about infertility established the narrator and her husband's goal for parenting and the barriers that prevented it. Later in the book (as they turned to adoption) I felt torn because I empathized with the couple but also with the babies and birth parents. I didn't root for the narrator as much as I could have/ should hAve because I felt the tug the birth parents would likely feel. That's a function of my personal experience on various sides of the adoption triangle and not because Stacy didn't write a compelling book. She did. I recommend this to anyone wanting to better understand the struggle of those who want to parent whether through fertility treatments or adoption. (It's not necessarily a book for those wanting to explore the nuances or ethics of adoption. That's not this story.) The story of this couple's desire and action plan to add a child is interesting and entertaining, and ultimately an emotional satisfying memoir to read.

[Karen Zacharias · Rating 5 out of 5]

As the mother of a daughter who has struggled with infertility I have looked for a book that would help me understand the turmoil & grief that my daughter endures. Stacy Bolt's "Breeding in Captivity" invited me into a world I know little to nothing about. Bolt's voice is clear. Her message conveyed with wisdom, wit, humor and relentless hope. I wish pastors, counselors, medical professionals and anyone who deals with someone struggling with infertility would read this book. Stacy Bolt teaches those of us on the outside what to say and most importantly what not to say to those who are struggling. This is an important work. If nothing else, everyone ought to read this book simply for the Christmas letter Dave sends out when he and Stacy are met once again with the news of no baby for them. That letter contains an important message for everyone. A dazzling book that will move you deeply. A testament of the relentless hope of humanity in the face of overwhelming despair.

[Alisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Being someone who is not at all involved in the fertility/adoption/baby world at all, this book really pulled me in. I felt that I was experiencing the roller coaster that is infertility and adoption despite never having broached the subject before this book. I felt Stacy's emotions, I felt Dave's stoicism and support. I felt the doctor's hand and I experienced the meetings with the birth mothers. I loved the book so much that I read it all in one sitting... I just couldn't put it down. And *spoiler alter* when they finally become parents, I found myself cheering them on, knowing that they'd be the best parents! The book is well-written and exciting enough to be believable and feel real to the reader. I received the book for free through Goodreads First Reads and I'm really looking forward to Stacy Bolt's next book!

[Heather Holden · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Breeding in Captivity" had me alternately laughing out loud and wiping heartfelt tears. After eight years of suffering through the labyrinth of infertility and now finding myself two years into the waiting game of foreign adoption, this book was an incredible gift to me- validation of the myriad of conflicting feelings I process through but am often at a loss to express. I love how Stacy Bolt finds the humor in so many of the humiliations my husband and I have endured! I can so relate to what she experienced and her verbalization of the accompanying emotions. It really is comforting to know I'm not alone in this treacherous climb to parenthood and it feels good to laugh about all the stumbles and falls. I read it in one afternoon- couldn't put it down. Humorous but emotionally honest and poignant, this is a great memoir.

[Ruth · Rating 5 out of 5]

Told with humor this is the story of a infertile couple's path to parenthood. Stacy and David weren't sure about parenthood so they have arrived "late to the dance" and discovered that although still in her 30's Stacy is at an "advanced maternal age." This is the beginning of years of struggle, Stacy explains every up and down they went through on this journey. After failing so many times they finally decide to take a sure course and opt for adoption only to find that even adoption is not as sure as they thought. Anyone who has had some difficulty on the path to parenthood, wether it is through problems conceiving, still births problems retaining pregnancies etc. will find something in this story that they can relate to on some level. Heart wrenching and happy this memoir has it all. Fantastic job, Stacy. Who would ever guess that this was your first book?I

[Ciara · Rating 4 out of 5]

a fairly brief but well-written memoir about one woman's struggle to become a mother. the first half recounts her attempts at getting pregnant via IUI (intra-uterine insemination). when that doesn't work & her fertility specialist suggests moving on to IVF, she & her husband decide to pursue adoption instead. the second half of the book is about their struggles to adopt.

bolt & her husband had a lot of bum luck along the way, but, if this book is any indication, they did an admirable job maintaining their senses of humor. clocking in at under 200 pages, the book moves at a speedy clip, & bolt is very relate-able & likable. i only wish this book had been longer! i would have enjoyed a memoir twice as long from such a self-aware & talented writer!

[LITina Erica Bernal · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dealing with infertility is hard; Stacy bolts book is a very true to life memoir that details various phases of the process, in addition to the torment and heartache associated with it. It is also something that u less you have ever gone through it, could NEVER understand. Yet, ironically, reading this book made me laugh. I felt like I was at dinner drinking wine and hearing a best friend tell me her journey, while simultaneously putting into words Exactly HOW I FELT! You know that moment someone says something and you're like "yes! THATS how it feels!!!" I must have highlighted half the book! It is a quick read, I would reccome d it for anyone in the wonderful world of TTC or if you have a friend going through it.

[Kate · Rating 4 out of 5]

Quick read. While I'm not infertile, the first half of the book will really ring true for anyone who has had any struggles conceiving or staying pregnant. While i didn't learn anything in this half, Sometimes it's just nice to have someone echo your thoughts and know that you're not so alone. Even though I'm currently pregnant with a baby due soon, I remember all too well the feelings of the TTC process, and still haven't completely put them behind me. The second half dealt with adoption, and was pretty interesting since I never seriously got to that point. Stacy and her husband really went through alot... So happy things worked out in the end.

[Karenbike Patterson · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this book in one day as I was waiting to see if I would be picked for jury duty. (I didn't)I got it off BookBud and this was a decent selection for $1.99.
Anyone who has been through, or knows someone who has been through, the experience of having difficulty getting pregnant and going to a fertility doctor will identify with this book. More heartbreaking, however, was when the couple decided to give up on that method and switch to adoption. The birth mothers changed their minds THREE times after the birth of their babies. It wasn't until the fifth time, and after 4 years of lots of money and emotional turmoil that these two became parents.

[Kimberly · Rating 5 out of 5]

I picked this book up one afternoon intending to read the first chapter. Instead I read the whole book. I laughed. I cried. The author choose to tell a story that is tough for many woman to talk about. She did it in an amazing way. I am so glad that she took the opportunity to talk about her struggles with infertility in hopes that it helps more woman realize that they are not alone.

A really amazing read that I highly recommend.

* I received a copy of this book from the goodreads giveaway program.

[Beth · Rating 4 out of 5]

I received this book as a Goodreads First Read and I'm so glad I did! I absolutely loved this book! It was so well written; her quick wit and sarcastic comments make you laugh out loud and totally relate. I loved its compact size, and her attention to detail but over loading you with terminology. She was real and to the point, and I felt like I was sitting down and having a drink with her while she was telling me her story. It's nice to be reminded that while your kid can be a pain sometimes, they are always worth it.

[Sariah · Rating 3 out of 5]

First, my disclaimer: I'm one of "those" people who still feels appropriate language should be used in public settings, and publishing a book would be considered a public forum in my opinion. I appreciate the bitter anger that comes with infertility, but I don't feel using the f-word so much is at all necessary.

So on that note, I generally enjoyed the book. Having been on both sides of the fertility fence, I related well to a lot of it. I enjoyed the openness to the emotional side of the story, making it easy to ride the roller coaster with them.

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great story of Stacy and David's journey to parenthood. I love everything baby and reading this was just a lot of fun. The author did a fabulous job of making light of some pretty stressful situations. I never found the book to be depressing, even though there were a lot of trials and tribulations. I could have done without a couple of odd-placed political jabs, but otherwise would recommend the book. I really don't care what an author thinks of a past or current president and really don't see how that sort of thing is relevant to a book on having a baby.