The Whole Parent : How to Become a Terrific Parent Even If You Didn't Have One

by Debra Wesselmann

In The Whole Parent, parents are taken on a compelling, in-depth journey of discovery and healing that can help them improve their lives and the lives of their children. Wesselmann, an expert in parent-child counseling, contends that contrary to what most people believe, parental instincts are not born to us. Despite the best intentions and genuine love for their children, parents who grew up with inadequate nurturing find themselves trapped in a generational cycle of problematic parent-child relationships. The author shows how moms and dads struggle with shame and frustration as parental ghosts of the past affect their relationships with their children.This is an invaluable guidebook for parents who want to give their children a more solid emotional foundation than the one they received from their own parents. As the author asserts, there is nothing parents can do that will have more impact on their own lives, the lives of their children, and even the lives of their grandchildren than to break unhealthy patterns of relating. The Whole Parent courageously shows parents how to create a new, complete family legacy that will be passed down for generations.

Genres: Parenting

325 pages, Hardcover

First published August 21, 1998

Reviews

[Heather · Rating 4 out of 5]

At the beginning I worried that I didn't relate to the examples which were predominantly of sexual and physical abuse. I think it's easier to say, "I was beat as a child" than to talk about emotional abuse and manipulation because there's the guilt factor of "I let what they said get to me."

Anyway- I kept persevering and I really enjoyed it. The beginning was focused on the psychology and how the child's brain works- and how that carries on into adulthood and how abuse is cycled. At that point in the book, the material was fairly dense, but not too dense that it was impossible to get through. In fact, I found it very intellectually stimulating and enjoyed working through the material.

The middle of the book was focused on changing yourself. It's really like therapy in a book. The exercises were intriguing- the unlivable contract, recognizing the false beliefs we create about children, etc., were helpful and interesting.

At the end it talks more about what you can do with your child to encourage attachment and that was nice. I liked the point that parents don't give teenage children enough touch because we see them as big people who don't need it like babies obviously do. The examples of how you can encourage that in safe ways (like letting a daughter do your hair) was a nice addition. Of course you wouldn't want touch to cross inappropriate boundaries, so having examples like that was helpful.

I think I'm lucky in that most of my issues are directed at my childhood family and not my current one. Visiting them for Christmas was utterly miserable- the close proximity, the sexism (I was never good enough because I happen to have a vagina instead of a penis), and even touch was just too much. I actually physically recoiled and lashed out at my 12 year old brother for giving me hug- something that I immediately knew was out of character for me- except that it was my immediate and natural response. I've never done that to McKay or Margaret, so I am grateful for that. Even though my current family life is full of attachment, I do feel like I can relate to the sentiment in the book, "Sometimes it feels embarrassing to me that I have had to work so hard to learn how to do the things that most do intuitively," when it comes to other relationships like friendships and professional relationships. I do feel cheated out of those interpersonal relationship techniques that should have been taught to me in my youth.

Anyway- It was a very good book. Lengthy, but I did enjoy reading it and there were gems throughout. I'm glad I read Toxic Parents before this- I think that helped me get started in become a whole person and this was wonderful enforcement.

[Jenne · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book very helpful in making sense of people's responses to how they were patented. Commonly, a situation will arise with my children where I recall a similar situation when I was the child. Positive interactions provide me with a reliable map to guide my course and I feel calm and able to draw on my parents examples to help me feel confident that I can parent my children well. But then there are the negative interactions and my memories can feel like a trauma being triggered which makes it hard to sort through my feelings in the moment and respond appropriately. Weisselmann calls these triggers "the ghosts in the nursery" an apt term to describe the feeling.

I believe this book has some important implications in family policy and how society deals with child abuse. I would like to see this theory applied to government efforts to prevent and reduce child abuse and neglect so that parents, rather than be vilified, can be offered a way to heal and find a parenting map they can rely on.

[Maggie K · Rating 3 out of 5]

There are some lovely metaphors and insight around how parents develop their assumptions, beliefs, and choices in parenting. There is a lot of information and case study in this book, which could be overwhelming for parents (who already have so little time on their hands), but each chapter has useful knowledge in it, and it could be something that is read over time. For those working with parents, this book could provide you with useful language around how to help parents think about how they were parented and the impact this has on how they parent now. A useful tool for any professional in parent education or family therapy.

[Kasey · Rating 5 out of 5]

Well written, making easy sense out of how our own histories affect us as parents. Practical and helpful tools for working through issues. Thorough, holistic, compassionate, helpful.