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Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner
Jeb Kinnison’s previous book on finding a good partner by understanding attachment types (Bad Boyfriends: Using Attachment Theory to Avoid Mr. (or Ms.) Wrong and Make You a Better Partner) brought lots of readers to JebKinnison.com, where the most asked-about topic was dealing with avoidant lovers and spouses. There are many readers in troubled marriages now who are looking for help, as well as people already invested in a relationship short of marriage who’d like help deciding if they should stick with it.
The reason why there is so much interest is the large number of people in relationships with Avoidants who struggle with their lack of responsiveness and inability to tolerate real intimacy. Relationships between an Avoidant and a partner of another attachment type are the largest group of unhappy relationships, and people who love their partners and who may have started families and had children with an Avoidant will work very hard to try to make their relationships work better, out of love for their partner and children as well as their own happiness. And it’s also true that the Avoidants in these relationships are more than likely unhappy with the situation as well—retreating into their shells and feeling harassed for being asked to respond with positive feeling when they have little to give.
The other reason why so many people are looking for help on this topic is that it is an almost impossible problem. Couples counsellors rarely have the time or knowledge to work with an Avoidant and will often advise the spouse to give up on a Dismissive, especially, whose lack of responsiveness looks like cruelty or contempt (and sometimes it is!) Yet there is some hope—though it may take years and require educating the Avoidant on the patterns of good couples communication, if both partners want to change their patterns toward more secure and satisfying models, it can be done.
How can you tell if your partner is avoidant? Does your partner:
• Seem not to care how you feel?
• Frequently fail to respond to direct questions or text messages?
• Accuse you of being too needy or codependent?
• Talk of some past lover as ideal and compare you to them?
• Act coldly toward your children and the needy?
• Remind you that he or she would be fine without you?
• Withhold sex or affection as punishment?
If that sounds familiar, then your partner is likely avoidant. At about 25% of the population, Avoidants have shorter, more troubled relationships, and tend to divorce more frequently and divorce again if remarried.
What can be done? Individual therapy for the motivated Avoidant can move their default attachment style toward security, and to the extent that problems have been made worse by an overly clingy and demanding anxious-preoccupied partner, therapy can help there, as well. Insecure partners who read and absorb the lessons of these books will have a head start on noticing and restraining themselves when they are slipping into an unsatisfying communications pattern, and an intellectual understanding of the bad patterns is a step toward unlearning them.
Not all difficult Avoidants can be reformed; that depends on both partners, the depth of their problems, and their motivation and ability to change over time. But many troubled marriages and relationships can be greatly improved, and the people in them can learn to be happier, with even modest improvements in understanding how they can best communicate support for each other.
For those reading who have not read Bad Boyfriends or are less familiar with attachment types, a beefed-up section on attachment theory and attachment types from Bad Boyfriends is included. Regular readers of JebKinnison.com will find edited versions of some relevant material previously posted there.
The reason why there is so much interest is the large number of people in relationships with Avoidants who struggle with their lack of responsiveness and inability to tolerate real intimacy. Relationships between an Avoidant and a partner of another attachment type are the largest group of unhappy relationships, and people who love their partners and who may have started families and had children with an Avoidant will work very hard to try to make their relationships work better, out of love for their partner and children as well as their own happiness. And it’s also true that the Avoidants in these relationships are more than likely unhappy with the situation as well—retreating into their shells and feeling harassed for being asked to respond with positive feeling when they have little to give.
The other reason why so many people are looking for help on this topic is that it is an almost impossible problem. Couples counsellors rarely have the time or knowledge to work with an Avoidant and will often advise the spouse to give up on a Dismissive, especially, whose lack of responsiveness looks like cruelty or contempt (and sometimes it is!) Yet there is some hope—though it may take years and require educating the Avoidant on the patterns of good couples communication, if both partners want to change their patterns toward more secure and satisfying models, it can be done.
How can you tell if your partner is avoidant? Does your partner:
• Seem not to care how you feel?
• Frequently fail to respond to direct questions or text messages?
• Accuse you of being too needy or codependent?
• Talk of some past lover as ideal and compare you to them?
• Act coldly toward your children and the needy?
• Remind you that he or she would be fine without you?
• Withhold sex or affection as punishment?
If that sounds familiar, then your partner is likely avoidant. At about 25% of the population, Avoidants have shorter, more troubled relationships, and tend to divorce more frequently and divorce again if remarried.
What can be done? Individual therapy for the motivated Avoidant can move their default attachment style toward security, and to the extent that problems have been made worse by an overly clingy and demanding anxious-preoccupied partner, therapy can help there, as well. Insecure partners who read and absorb the lessons of these books will have a head start on noticing and restraining themselves when they are slipping into an unsatisfying communications pattern, and an intellectual understanding of the bad patterns is a step toward unlearning them.
Not all difficult Avoidants can be reformed; that depends on both partners, the depth of their problems, and their motivation and ability to change over time. But many troubled marriages and relationships can be greatly improved, and the people in them can learn to be happier, with even modest improvements in understanding how they can best communicate support for each other.
For those reading who have not read Bad Boyfriends or are less familiar with attachment types, a beefed-up section on attachment theory and attachment types from Bad Boyfriends is included. Regular readers of JebKinnison.com will find edited versions of some relevant material previously posted there.
229 pages, Kindle Edition
First published October 2, 2014
582 people are currently reading
881 people want to read
About the author
Jeb Kinnison
10 books20 followersJeb Kinnison grew up in the Midwest, studied computer and cognitive science at MIT, and wrote programs modeling the behavior of simulated stock traders and the population dynamics of economic agents. He went on to do supercomputer research at a think tank that developed parts of the early Internet (where the engineer who decided on ‘@‘ as the separator for email addresses worked down the hall.) Since then he has had several careers—real estate, financial advising, and counselling.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 61 reviews
February 1, 2016
This book focuses on relationships with a dismissive partner - mostly romantic relationships, but it also looks at people with dismissive attachment style as parents for example. It´s an interesting read, but I have three reasons to only give it a two-star-rating:
1) I think with this book you have to be able to translate the information you get into your subjective situation. The content of the book is well researched, but at the same time, it focuses only on people who have a very extreme and firmly cemented style of dismissive-avoidant attachment. There is barely any room for nuances. For example, an aquaintance of mine definitely fits into the firm dismissive-avoidant category, but I personally read the book because my partner is of the fearful-avoidant style, but at the same time a reasonably good communicator, conscious of the fact that he has a problematic attachment-style, discusses it openly and works on changing some harmful patterns. This may not be the norm, but even though I think clichés exist for a reason, every person is unique and I would have wished that the presentation of the avoidant style would have been a bit more diverse in the book, ranging from "mild" to severe, so to speak. As it is, the descriptions of the people with avoidant attachment styles really just sounds like a bunch of a**holes, and relationships with them like a kind of hell on earth (which may be the case for some, but not all), and the reader constantly has to check how much of it applies to his/her own situation.
2) The book is dominated by research about the dismissive-avoidant attachment style. It mentions the fearful-avoidant style regularly, but I had hoped to find the fearful-avoidant style to be represented just as detailed, which was not the case.
3) The last part of the book contains mostly general relationship advice about good communication, gratitude, compromise etc. which has nothing to do anymore with the specific situation of living with an avoidant. I suspect that a lot of it is taken from the previous book of the author, "Bad Boyfriends", but I´m not completely sure.
I personally found the book very interesting and in parts helpful, but I won´t give it to my partner because I think the avoidants are described in such dark colors that he would end up in despair, believing he is a terrible person who really shouldn´t even think about having kids. That somehow can´t be the point.
1) I think with this book you have to be able to translate the information you get into your subjective situation. The content of the book is well researched, but at the same time, it focuses only on people who have a very extreme and firmly cemented style of dismissive-avoidant attachment. There is barely any room for nuances. For example, an aquaintance of mine definitely fits into the firm dismissive-avoidant category, but I personally read the book because my partner is of the fearful-avoidant style, but at the same time a reasonably good communicator, conscious of the fact that he has a problematic attachment-style, discusses it openly and works on changing some harmful patterns. This may not be the norm, but even though I think clichés exist for a reason, every person is unique and I would have wished that the presentation of the avoidant style would have been a bit more diverse in the book, ranging from "mild" to severe, so to speak. As it is, the descriptions of the people with avoidant attachment styles really just sounds like a bunch of a**holes, and relationships with them like a kind of hell on earth (which may be the case for some, but not all), and the reader constantly has to check how much of it applies to his/her own situation.
2) The book is dominated by research about the dismissive-avoidant attachment style. It mentions the fearful-avoidant style regularly, but I had hoped to find the fearful-avoidant style to be represented just as detailed, which was not the case.
3) The last part of the book contains mostly general relationship advice about good communication, gratitude, compromise etc. which has nothing to do anymore with the specific situation of living with an avoidant. I suspect that a lot of it is taken from the previous book of the author, "Bad Boyfriends", but I´m not completely sure.
I personally found the book very interesting and in parts helpful, but I won´t give it to my partner because I think the avoidants are described in such dark colors that he would end up in despair, believing he is a terrible person who really shouldn´t even think about having kids. That somehow can´t be the point.
June 23, 2016
Okay, so: there is some really useful information about attachment type theory here. Ironically, the best part of this book is that the author doesn't follow academic writing conventions and just blockquotes huge sections of academic research, which means you're getting a lot of summary of scholarly work. When it comes to his own perspectives, he has some pretty terrible ideas -- the chapter on domestic violence, in particular, reveals some really tired, apologist ideas about how spouses almost share responsibility for abuse. That said, if you can ignore those parts it's a pretty good primer and has some concrete tips on dealing with your own attachment issues in a constructive way.
December 28, 2015
There was a shocking amount dismissing of Dismissives. So you have a dismissive partner, they should read this book. and you are a Dismissive partner reading this book? Hey you, you suck, and your partners should leave you because you a helpless case.
February 10, 2017
Us anxious types need all the help we can get and this is the definitive handbook to figuring out insecurities and doing away with them. Not many books have changed my life but this one did for the better 10/10
I would also credit this book for helping stabilise and understand my relationship better. If you're just *thinking* of giving this a read, I'd say go for it!
I would also credit this book for helping stabilise and understand my relationship better. If you're just *thinking* of giving this a read, I'd say go for it!
October 18, 2023
This was too harsh for my tastes and feels a bit fatalistic. I like to believe in the possibility for change when awareness meets willingness to work. But the research stated and overview of avoidant attachment attitude was spot on in many ways and gave some good food for thought.
April 2, 2024
I had very high expectations for the book, but to be sincere it just confused me even more. First, in the book it’s mainly talking only about dismissive avoidants, and not about fearful avoidants. Second, in the first half of book the avoidants are presented like villains, while in the part where it’s talked about phisical abuse in relationships avoidants are almost portrayed as victims ( like they dont want to abuse but were made to). the author says that most of the men are avoidants and most of their partner- women are anxious, and because avoidant can’t deal with conflict,the author assumes men freeze and d the anxious ( women) are actually those who initiate or make the avoidants( the men) abuse them physically. That was the most non sense, misogynistic thing I ever read in a book. As well in this chapter withaut zero context, the author says that men are abused physically by women as much as woman by men( stats say different tho). To be sincere I’ve learned more truthful information about avoidants on YouTube , and it actually made me empathize with them comparing to this book that villainies them but excuses their physical abuse if they are men)
February 3, 2017
I was engrossed in this book. I couldn't put it down and finished it in 3 days. There is a lot of new and interesting information. My biggest disappointment with the book was how many LONG paragraphs are copied in from other authors - many, many pages worth. I've already read John Gottman's books and referencing his work in passing is fine, but such frequent lengthy quotes, taken directly from Gottman's book and several others' books, makes this book nearly twice as long as it would be otherwise. I think there's too much of that.
Other than that I liked the book and learned some new things and new ways of looking at things. There were some helpful suggestions for both the avoidant and the one who loves the avoidant.
I liked his focus on not "blaming" either the avoidant or the non-avoidant for being the way that they are, but rather providing helpful suggestions for BOTH parties to respect each other's way of being in the world due to each partner's attachment type.
I also liked it that he recognized that every individual situation is different. The author recognizes that some avoidants can change and others cannot or will not. He gives helpful techniques for evaluating your situation.
Thought-provoking book.
Other than that I liked the book and learned some new things and new ways of looking at things. There were some helpful suggestions for both the avoidant and the one who loves the avoidant.
I liked his focus on not "blaming" either the avoidant or the non-avoidant for being the way that they are, but rather providing helpful suggestions for BOTH parties to respect each other's way of being in the world due to each partner's attachment type.
I also liked it that he recognized that every individual situation is different. The author recognizes that some avoidants can change and others cannot or will not. He gives helpful techniques for evaluating your situation.
Thought-provoking book.
September 21, 2016
Useful info, but as someone who's been pegged as an avoidant by a former partner, who encouraged me to read this (as the book itself instructs you, the anxious person, to do), this came off as *very* condescending and, well, dismissive of avoidant people.
Maybe this book works/makes sense for people in relationships with avoidant people, but if you're going to encourage avoidant partners to read something, maybe make it something that isn't outright insulting to them several times throughout the book? I think you could provide the same info without that.
Same issue I have with The God Delusion: aimed a Christians, trying to get them to see the error of their ways, but super condescending to actual Christians (while being a good source of info, and a pretty good read for atheists, except for the parts where he tries to "prove" stuff in ways that are not logically sound. er, what book am I reviewing again? ahem.).
Maybe this book works/makes sense for people in relationships with avoidant people, but if you're going to encourage avoidant partners to read something, maybe make it something that isn't outright insulting to them several times throughout the book? I think you could provide the same info without that.
Same issue I have with The God Delusion: aimed a Christians, trying to get them to see the error of their ways, but super condescending to actual Christians (while being a good source of info, and a pretty good read for atheists, except for the parts where he tries to "prove" stuff in ways that are not logically sound. er, what book am I reviewing again? ahem.).
July 1, 2016
Overall this book is very eye opening. The title seems a little damming, but it is actually a book that explores all facets of attachment.
There are several outdated and misogynistic thinking portions in the book, and that really takes away from the clear ideas otherwise presented.
There are several outdated and misogynistic thinking portions in the book, and that really takes away from the clear ideas otherwise presented.
January 7, 2020
Not worth the read. I would give it no stars if that was an option. It condemns avoidant attachment style people. It’s another “opinion” based dating book, which I should have realized by the name. I thought it would give more constructive insight to the underlying wounds which produce the avoidant attachment types and understanding of triggers for this attachment style. It’s very narrow minded and shames anyone with this attachment style. The author never guided his subjects to working with their own insecurities and understanding that any attachment dynamic is a result of their own inner needs of attachment that of which stem from the developmental stages in early childhood. He essentially said avoidant style people are hopeless and abusive. Which is in fact not a fact or truth at all. My opinion is you can chalk this one up to another bad advice book that is not based in any actual research or fact and dangerously compartmentalizes humans into a this or that category while damning them to a negative life sentence behavior.
May 29, 2018
Should have read earlier
Very informative. I feel like if I'd read this book 9 years ago, it would have saved a lot of time, energy, and emotions.
Very informative. I feel like if I'd read this book 9 years ago, it would have saved a lot of time, energy, and emotions.
February 6, 2023
Am o problemă cu traducerile din domeniul psihologiei; la fel ca în cazul de față, se întâmplă uneori ca traducătorul să nu aibă și ceva cunoștințe minime de psihologie (am presupus din rezultatul traducerii, n-am de unde ști cum stau lucrurile, recunosc), așa că nu-i rămâne decât să treacă din engleză în română pe drumul ce-l mai scurt; că se ajung la fraze care nu au sens în limba noastră, pare că nu-i treaba lui, că e chestie de finețe și fac eu prea multe mofturi.
Un alt aspect e faptul că autorul nu e psiholog; nu e un dezavantaj neapărat, tipul vine cu cercetări și își aduce argumente științifice pentru ideile expuse. Totuși, n-am putut trece ușor peste anumite prejudecăți inutile pe care le manifestă și ar fi fost preferabilă o mai mare grijă pentru unele formulări. Am rămas și cu o insatisfacție (dar și dorința de a căuta mai multe, mai departe), însă e legată strict de așteptarea pe care o aveam de a aprofunda mai mult subiectul.
Dincolo de toate acestea, cartea aduce informații valoroase, fie că e prima pe care o citești despre atașament sau a șaptea, sigur îți deschide ochii puțin și te face să privești din altă perspectivă ce ai trăit sau ai observat, să înțelegi ceva mai mult decât o făceai înainte să parcurgi paginile.
Un alt aspect e faptul că autorul nu e psiholog; nu e un dezavantaj neapărat, tipul vine cu cercetări și își aduce argumente științifice pentru ideile expuse. Totuși, n-am putut trece ușor peste anumite prejudecăți inutile pe care le manifestă și ar fi fost preferabilă o mai mare grijă pentru unele formulări. Am rămas și cu o insatisfacție (dar și dorința de a căuta mai multe, mai departe), însă e legată strict de așteptarea pe care o aveam de a aprofunda mai mult subiectul.
Dincolo de toate acestea, cartea aduce informații valoroase, fie că e prima pe care o citești despre atașament sau a șaptea, sigur îți deschide ochii puțin și te face să privești din altă perspectivă ce ai trăit sau ai observat, să înțelegi ceva mai mult decât o făceai înainte să parcurgi paginile.
March 3, 2018
Dismissive-avoidant approves
I am Dismissive-Avoidant, with a Fearful-Avoidant partner. Apparently a rare pairing and I could understand why. Our communication has been terrible.
I found this book an illuminating, objective overview of the issues we face and how they might be resolved. Thank you for writing this book.
(Not 5 stars because there were typos and some shoddy presentation of arguments.)
I am Dismissive-Avoidant, with a Fearful-Avoidant partner. Apparently a rare pairing and I could understand why. Our communication has been terrible.
I found this book an illuminating, objective overview of the issues we face and how they might be resolved. Thank you for writing this book.
(Not 5 stars because there were typos and some shoddy presentation of arguments.)
March 6, 2023
I love it. I found quite interesting that this book is specific about the avoidant attachment style. Since I am anxious type person it’s not a surprise that i am in captive relationship with an avoidant partner. I don’t think that this book talk about this attachment in a wrong way, actually now I understand pretty well my participation in a fight and how the anxious can be also a part of the conflict, in all cases, the avoidant was blamed for the the atittude . Also, i don’t mind that some parts were quoted from another books, the author put the list with all the books and even recommendations for anxious type. The next book I will read is suggested by the author.
August 2, 2023
Amazing insight - it enabled me to leave an avoidant partner
This book was so incredibly helpful giving me the insight into what was happening in my on-again off-again fearful avoidant ex-partner’s head and body. Now I understand why he treated me the way he did and ultimately what triggered the one incident where he physically lashed out at me to the degree I had to report it to police. I just wish I had known what I was dealing with h much earlier in the relationship because I a, doubtful I would have let it continue for so long. I have empathy now for the pain that he was in mentally/physically, but also accept now that he is unlikely to ever have the self-awareness of his attachment style, nor will he have the desire to do the hard work to repair his childhood trauma. This book made me realise the fruitlessness in trying to save our relationship. It will make it so much easier to say ‘no’ in the future if he ever attempts to reconnect. I feel sorry for the next person that he starts a relationship with, but more importantly, I feel like it has given me the strength to move on with the help of a great therapist.
This book was so incredibly helpful giving me the insight into what was happening in my on-again off-again fearful avoidant ex-partner’s head and body. Now I understand why he treated me the way he did and ultimately what triggered the one incident where he physically lashed out at me to the degree I had to report it to police. I just wish I had known what I was dealing with h much earlier in the relationship because I a, doubtful I would have let it continue for so long. I have empathy now for the pain that he was in mentally/physically, but also accept now that he is unlikely to ever have the self-awareness of his attachment style, nor will he have the desire to do the hard work to repair his childhood trauma. This book made me realise the fruitlessness in trying to save our relationship. It will make it so much easier to say ‘no’ in the future if he ever attempts to reconnect. I feel sorry for the next person that he starts a relationship with, but more importantly, I feel like it has given me the strength to move on with the help of a great therapist.
December 1, 2021
I made it to page 124 out of 220. The book started out well enough, discussing attachment styles in a direct, simple manner. However, right off it became clear that this book is of poor quality. There are many spelling errors, and the author uses paragraph after paragraph of direct quotes and excerpt’s from blogs, research papers, and articles. The author is not a good writer at all. I don’t believe he has adequate training and credentials either, and he certainly is not a counselor. Some of his examples appear tangential and feel a bit forced. What made me stop just over halfway though was the fact that he inserted some back and forth letters between a woman(his client? Reader of a blog? Who knows?) and himself in which he repeatedly tells her what she should do and feel. She didn’t even ask for advice, but he just acted like the expert when clearly he is merely spouting whatever collection of information on the topic he has gathered along the way. Not great. Would not recommend.
February 12, 2018
I liked this book and how he emphasized the important things from other well known books. It helped me further understand my avoidant husband and that he’s actually fearfully avoidant as opposed to dismissive avoidant. It made me empathize with his situation and have a better conversation regarding our attachment styles and what we might be able to overcome.
And would you know it, he’s started to open up and move towards me! True love is understanding and empathy!!
And would you know it, he’s started to open up and move towards me! True love is understanding and empathy!!
February 26, 2017
Attachment styles are really valuable to understand yourself more. Also to understand others.
Pretty good although I did the audio book and really wish I had a chart to keep track the different details covered.
Pretty good although I did the audio book and really wish I had a chart to keep track the different details covered.
July 31, 2021
The first parts are good for understanding the attachment types but the book doesn't deliver on what it promised. The advices are very poorly explained so if you are looking for the practical part, this is not a good place
November 24, 2016
Very detailed but easy to understand. Presented information that is extremely helpful in understanding attachment theory and kind of attachment.
January 12, 2025
I started reading this book because I had a fair share of failed long-term relationships and talking stages that I thought it might help reading about attachment theory, along with therapy of course.
I’m not giving 5⭐️ cause it was mainly focused on dismissive avoidant and it’s mainly on the readers’ ability to translate it to their specific situation.
This book is highly researched and written with simple words, so it’s easy to understand despite the complexity of the arguments (especially if the reader doesn’t speak English as mother tongue). I think I have an anxious-preoccupied attachment style and I think all my exes have avoidant tendencies, so this book helped me see the things from the other perspective and I loved the chapter on the communication styles that I saw in all my relationships.
I want to end this review with a quote from the book that I liked: Love is great, but it’s actually empathy that makes the world go round. Understanding other peoples’ viewpoints is so essential to human functioning that psychologists sometimes refer to empathy as “social glue, binding people together and creating harmonious relationships”.
I’ve always valued empathy and kindness, but I’m attracted to people who dismiss my feelings and are cruel and rude, especially at the end of the relationship, and for long time I believed that this was on me, but it’s not. Thanks to this book and therapy, I know now when it’s time to let go of a relationship that is only hurting me.
I’m not giving 5⭐️ cause it was mainly focused on dismissive avoidant and it’s mainly on the readers’ ability to translate it to their specific situation.
This book is highly researched and written with simple words, so it’s easy to understand despite the complexity of the arguments (especially if the reader doesn’t speak English as mother tongue). I think I have an anxious-preoccupied attachment style and I think all my exes have avoidant tendencies, so this book helped me see the things from the other perspective and I loved the chapter on the communication styles that I saw in all my relationships.
I want to end this review with a quote from the book that I liked: Love is great, but it’s actually empathy that makes the world go round. Understanding other peoples’ viewpoints is so essential to human functioning that psychologists sometimes refer to empathy as “social glue, binding people together and creating harmonious relationships”.
I’ve always valued empathy and kindness, but I’m attracted to people who dismiss my feelings and are cruel and rude, especially at the end of the relationship, and for long time I believed that this was on me, but it’s not. Thanks to this book and therapy, I know now when it’s time to let go of a relationship that is only hurting me.
September 5, 2020
This book wasn't as useful as Attached. It was clumsily structured and difficult to follow. I hoped it would share more about how to LOVE avoidants, however the book shares little help on this and how to function well as a partnership.
Notes: Distinguishes between dismissive and fearful avoidants. Both fear intimacy but fearful avoidants still crave it but panic when it arises. Fearful avoidants are labelled as the avoidant that hasn't given up yet. Fearful avoidant are more likely to have relationships with secure and anxious types. However due to their fear they can still end these relationships due to fears of intimacy that come up as the relationship intensifies. They rationalise this by blaming it on their partners being flawed in some way. Individuals need to act and respond in a way that considers both their's and their partner's attachment style. Avoidants need to train their brain to view their partner positively and challenge their conscious fears to get to their subconscious desire for the intimacy. It can be useful to agree times whereby partners share intimacy with one another and set expectations and boundaries around these e.g. every evening, when your partner is feeling ___. Discusses health risks of constant stress and conflict in a relationship.
Notes: Distinguishes between dismissive and fearful avoidants. Both fear intimacy but fearful avoidants still crave it but panic when it arises. Fearful avoidants are labelled as the avoidant that hasn't given up yet. Fearful avoidant are more likely to have relationships with secure and anxious types. However due to their fear they can still end these relationships due to fears of intimacy that come up as the relationship intensifies. They rationalise this by blaming it on their partners being flawed in some way. Individuals need to act and respond in a way that considers both their's and their partner's attachment style. Avoidants need to train their brain to view their partner positively and challenge their conscious fears to get to their subconscious desire for the intimacy. It can be useful to agree times whereby partners share intimacy with one another and set expectations and boundaries around these e.g. every evening, when your partner is feeling ___. Discusses health risks of constant stress and conflict in a relationship.
November 1, 2023
Jeb Kinnison's "Avoidant" delves deep into dismissive avoidant attachment, offering a less gentle perspective than other books on the topic. Kinnison shies away from sugarcoating, suggesting that being dismissive might border on a mild form of narcissism. This candidness extends to recognizing the stress, anger, and frustration it can cause in partners.
While many titles, like "Attached" by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, hint at an idealized pairing, Kinnison highlights the common reality: individuals with complementary attachment deficits often find themselves together. This isn't necessarily problematic; it's a reflection of the complex dance of human connection.
The book's bite-sized chapters make it accessible without sacrificing depth. With a realistic take on attachment styles and relationships, "Avoidant" is a must-read for those seeking an unfiltered view of human relationships.
While many titles, like "Attached" by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, hint at an idealized pairing, Kinnison highlights the common reality: individuals with complementary attachment deficits often find themselves together. This isn't necessarily problematic; it's a reflection of the complex dance of human connection.
The book's bite-sized chapters make it accessible without sacrificing depth. With a realistic take on attachment styles and relationships, "Avoidant" is a must-read for those seeking an unfiltered view of human relationships.
February 27, 2024
simplistic view
The author is not a therapist, and doesn’t present much scientific research psychology on the topics that are touched in the book. Most of the information presented here in simplistic, down to earth, hope giving, encouraging not to give up. The author presents a perspective of not dismissing our partners, friends, family or coworkers who are challenging, and give simple ways of dealing with them on the basis of their communication style.
There were some things I did not agree. Some were obvious that the author has limited understanding of some areas of psychology. Never the less, it was a good reed for me. I gained a new and refreshed perspective on attachment styles, which drive our communication within relationships.
The author is not a therapist, and doesn’t present much scientific research psychology on the topics that are touched in the book. Most of the information presented here in simplistic, down to earth, hope giving, encouraging not to give up. The author presents a perspective of not dismissing our partners, friends, family or coworkers who are challenging, and give simple ways of dealing with them on the basis of their communication style.
There were some things I did not agree. Some were obvious that the author has limited understanding of some areas of psychology. Never the less, it was a good reed for me. I gained a new and refreshed perspective on attachment styles, which drive our communication within relationships.
July 6, 2024
Some good points, and made me think of my own reactions to situations with my partner.
However much of this book is very negative and doesn’t dig deep into why an avoidant may have a reaction.
Some blame game going on here.
The part in domestic violence is really out of touch. Actually feels like he’s putting blame on the victim at times by instigating the violence.
And sorry, but the football player who full force punches his girlfriend, is worse than her hitting him.
One of these people can leave a bruise with their fist, the other could cause death.
It’s not the same thing.
I understand that it’s the principle of not laying hands on each other. But if you have that much force that you can’t control when you are enraged, then you are the dangerous one.
However much of this book is very negative and doesn’t dig deep into why an avoidant may have a reaction.
Some blame game going on here.
The part in domestic violence is really out of touch. Actually feels like he’s putting blame on the victim at times by instigating the violence.
And sorry, but the football player who full force punches his girlfriend, is worse than her hitting him.
One of these people can leave a bruise with their fist, the other could cause death.
It’s not the same thing.
I understand that it’s the principle of not laying hands on each other. But if you have that much force that you can’t control when you are enraged, then you are the dangerous one.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
March 31, 2019
Great explanation of avoidant types
Author does a good job explaining the basic attachment styles and the compromise needed to be made by each type to maintain a sustained relationship. The author provides a helpful summary of the interaction patterns to be expected of the various attachment styles in relationships with each other. Inaccurate data and portrayal of the central issues faced in domestic violence. That information should be revised or removed from the book entirely as it is misleading if not harmful.
Author does a good job explaining the basic attachment styles and the compromise needed to be made by each type to maintain a sustained relationship. The author provides a helpful summary of the interaction patterns to be expected of the various attachment styles in relationships with each other. Inaccurate data and portrayal of the central issues faced in domestic violence. That information should be revised or removed from the book entirely as it is misleading if not harmful.
March 12, 2020
I love how the author explains the problem in detail. However I did not really get a good sense of what someone can actually do if they are in a relationship with one and would like to save their relationship. This book is more about making the ultimate decision of staying or moving on from such a relationship. If you decide to move on, and if it is worth it, then the problem is solved but if you decide to stay and make things work, it does not really go into detail about the kind of obstacles that will be encountered and what to do about them.
July 21, 2024
While many books on attachment theory focus primarily on Anxious attachment styles—likely because it's often seen as easier to address—this book was recommended to me by a friend, so I decided to give it a try.
The book does contain some well-researched and useful information. However, I found the portrayal of Avoidant attachment styles troubling. The author presents them in a rather negative light, which felt overly harsh and unbalanced. I wouldn’t recommend this book, and unfortunately, now I've lost a "friend".
The book does contain some well-researched and useful information. However, I found the portrayal of Avoidant attachment styles troubling. The author presents them in a rather negative light, which felt overly harsh and unbalanced. I wouldn’t recommend this book, and unfortunately, now I've lost a "friend".
April 29, 2018
“The avoidants’ defensive self-perception that they are strong and independent is confirmed, as is the belief that others want to pull them into more closeness than they are comfortable with. The anxious types find that their perception of wanting more intimacy than their partner can provide is confirmed, as is their anticipation of ultimately being let down by significant others. So, in a way, each style is drawn to reenact a familiar script over and over again.” - Avoidant by Jeb Kinnison
January 23, 2025
Written in a practical and direct style, the book provides straightforward explanations of its attachment styles and practical ways to better yourself and your relationship. I side-eyed some parts of the book but not those dealing directly with the subject matter. Insightful in terms of my personal relationship history, upbringing, and how simple and repetitious our relationship patterns really are.
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