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How to Feel Loved: The Five Mindsets That Get You More of What Matters Most
416 pages, Hardcover
Published February 10, 2026
36 people are currently reading
4169 people want to read
About the author
Sonja Lyubomirsky
15 books248 followersThe majority of my research career has been devoted to studying human happiness. Why is the scientific study of happiness important? In short, because most people believe that happiness is meaningful, desirable, and an important, worthy goal, because happiness is one of the most salient and significant dimensions of human experience and emotional life, because happiness yields numerous rewards for the individual, and because it makes for a better, healthier, stronger society. Along these lines, my current research addresses three critical questions: 1) What makes people happy?; 2) Is happiness a good thing?; and 3) How and why can people learn to lead happier and more flourishing lives?
Why Are Some People Happier Than Others?
I have always been struck by the capacity of some individuals to be remarkably happy, even in the face of stress, trauma, or adversity. Thus, my earlier research efforts had been focused on trying to understand why some people are happier than others (for a review and theoretical framework, see Lyubomirsky, 2001). To this end, my approach had been to explore the cognitive and motivational processes that distinguish individuals who show exceptionally high and low levels of happiness. These processes include social comparison (how people compare themselves to peers), dissonance reduction (how people justify both trivial and important choices in their lives), self-evaluation (how people judge themselves), and person perception (how people think about others). All of these processes, it turns out, have hedonic implications – that is, positive or negative consequences for happiness and self-regard – and thus are relevant to elucidating individual differences in enduring well-being. My students and I have found that truly happy individuals construe life events and daily situations in ways that seem to maintain their happiness, while unhappy individuals construe experiences in ways that seem to reinforce unhappiness. In essence, our research shows that happy individuals experience and react to events and circumstances in relatively more positive and more adaptive ways. For a recent example, we found that happy individuals are relatively more likely than their less happy peers to “endow” positive memories (i.e., store them in their emotional “bank ACCOUNTS”) but to “contrast” negative memories (i.e., “life is so much better now”) (Liberman, Boehm, Lyubomirsky, & Ross, 2011).
On-going studies in my laboratory are exploring additional cognitive and motivational processes that support the differing worlds of enduring happiness versus chronic unhappiness. For example, several investigations have revealed that unhappy individuals are more likely than happy ones to dwell on negative or ambiguous events (Lyubomirsky, Boehm, Kasri, & Zehm, 2011). Such “dwelling” or rumination may drain cognitive resources and thus bring to bear a variety of negative consequences, which could further reinforce unhappiness. These findings demonstrate some of the maladaptive by-products of self-reflection, suggesting that not only is the “unexamined life” worth living, but it is potentially full of happiness and joy.
To cast our work on happiness in a broader framework, we have also been exploring the meaning, expression, and pursuit of happiness across cultures, subcultures, and age groups (e.g., Boehm, Lyubomirsky, & Sheldon, 2011). For example, despite media reports, we have found that parents actually experience more happiness and meaning than do non-parents–both when evaluating their lives as a whole, when going about their days, and when caring for their children (versus doing other ACTIVITIES; Nelson, Kushlev, English, Dunn, & Lyubomirsky, 2013). Of course, parents’ happiness is impacted by myriad factors, including their age and SES and their children’s ages and temperaments (Nelson, Kushlev, & Lyubomirsky, in press). Furthermore, we are currently carrying out happiness-increasing interventions among Japanese engineers,
Why Are Some People Happier Than Others?
I have always been struck by the capacity of some individuals to be remarkably happy, even in the face of stress, trauma, or adversity. Thus, my earlier research efforts had been focused on trying to understand why some people are happier than others (for a review and theoretical framework, see Lyubomirsky, 2001). To this end, my approach had been to explore the cognitive and motivational processes that distinguish individuals who show exceptionally high and low levels of happiness. These processes include social comparison (how people compare themselves to peers), dissonance reduction (how people justify both trivial and important choices in their lives), self-evaluation (how people judge themselves), and person perception (how people think about others). All of these processes, it turns out, have hedonic implications – that is, positive or negative consequences for happiness and self-regard – and thus are relevant to elucidating individual differences in enduring well-being. My students and I have found that truly happy individuals construe life events and daily situations in ways that seem to maintain their happiness, while unhappy individuals construe experiences in ways that seem to reinforce unhappiness. In essence, our research shows that happy individuals experience and react to events and circumstances in relatively more positive and more adaptive ways. For a recent example, we found that happy individuals are relatively more likely than their less happy peers to “endow” positive memories (i.e., store them in their emotional “bank ACCOUNTS”) but to “contrast” negative memories (i.e., “life is so much better now”) (Liberman, Boehm, Lyubomirsky, & Ross, 2011).
On-going studies in my laboratory are exploring additional cognitive and motivational processes that support the differing worlds of enduring happiness versus chronic unhappiness. For example, several investigations have revealed that unhappy individuals are more likely than happy ones to dwell on negative or ambiguous events (Lyubomirsky, Boehm, Kasri, & Zehm, 2011). Such “dwelling” or rumination may drain cognitive resources and thus bring to bear a variety of negative consequences, which could further reinforce unhappiness. These findings demonstrate some of the maladaptive by-products of self-reflection, suggesting that not only is the “unexamined life” worth living, but it is potentially full of happiness and joy.
To cast our work on happiness in a broader framework, we have also been exploring the meaning, expression, and pursuit of happiness across cultures, subcultures, and age groups (e.g., Boehm, Lyubomirsky, & Sheldon, 2011). For example, despite media reports, we have found that parents actually experience more happiness and meaning than do non-parents–both when evaluating their lives as a whole, when going about their days, and when caring for their children (versus doing other ACTIVITIES; Nelson, Kushlev, English, Dunn, & Lyubomirsky, 2013). Of course, parents’ happiness is impacted by myriad factors, including their age and SES and their children’s ages and temperaments (Nelson, Kushlev, & Lyubomirsky, in press). Furthermore, we are currently carrying out happiness-increasing interventions among Japanese engineers,
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February 9, 2026As heard on The Happiness Lab with Dr. Laurie Santos (How to Feel Truly Loved (with Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky and Dr. Harry Reis))
https://omny.fm/shows/the-happiness-l...
Most of us have people in our lives who love us — partners, friends, family — yet many of us still don’t feel as loved as we want to. Why is there such a gap between being loved and feeling loved? And what can we actually do about it?
Dr. Laurie sits down with social psychologists Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky and Dr. Harry Reis, co-authors of How to Feel Loved, to unpack the science behind this disconnect. They explain why feeling loved so often eludes us — even in close relationships — and share research-backed insights that can help us change the conversation, strengthen our connections, and feel more loved both now and in the relationships we build in the future.
Resources mentioned in this episode:
How to Feel Loved: The Five Mindsets That Get You More of What Matters Most
"Social Ties and Susceptibility to the Common Cold"
"Toward Understanding Understanding: The Importance of Feeling Understood in Relationships"
How to Win Friends and Influence People
How to Win Friends and Influence People for Teen Girls
"Self-Expansion Theory: Origins, Current Evidence, and Future Horizons"
"Everyday Prosociality in the Workplace: The Reinforcing Benefits of Giving, Getting, and Glimpsing"
"The Genomic Impact of Kindness to Self vs. Others: A Randomized Controlled Trial:
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
https://omny.fm/shows/the-happiness-l...
November 22, 2025
Feeling loved starts with making the other person feel love and understood ...
April 9, 2026
The narrative is credible, well researched, and every reader will find a related point of view when it comes to love…. You have nothing to lose by reading this book, and you very likely be surprised to learn. Yes, love is the answer. I am not partial to the book’s title, but maybe it is a matter of style…..
March 7, 2026
This is a great book. The authors have a reputation as solid researchers in psychology. The suggestions they make are practical and simple.
Review of advance copy received from Goodreads Giveaways
Thank you to Harper Collins for this ARC of How to Feel Loved: The Five Mindsets That Get You More of What Matters Most by Lyubomirsky, Sonja and Harry Reis.
Whether you are struggling to allow yourself to actually feel loved by others or you are trying to break through to others and make them feel loved, you should pick up this book. It is not limited to romantic relationships. Instead, it emphasizes the human experience of finding love in your everyday interactions with strangers in passing, colleagues, friends, family, etc.
It is a manual to finding joy in the small things by remaining curious and deliberate in your relationships. I found it a humbling, self-awareness provoking read and hope it does wonders for you all the same. May love find you and yours.
Whether you are struggling to allow yourself to actually feel loved by others or you are trying to break through to others and make them feel loved, you should pick up this book. It is not limited to romantic relationships. Instead, it emphasizes the human experience of finding love in your everyday interactions with strangers in passing, colleagues, friends, family, etc.
It is a manual to finding joy in the small things by remaining curious and deliberate in your relationships. I found it a humbling, self-awareness provoking read and hope it does wonders for you all the same. May love find you and yours.
April 27, 2026
Sometimes it can be difficult for people to feel loved. We may know we probably are, but what can we do to feel that?
The authors break it down to five different mindsets. Throughout the book, they share the research base for these mindsets, as well as sharing stories. Humans are wired for story, and these create concrete examples that people can learn from and remember the concepts more clearly. Plus, they can also help the reader relate to something said and/or see better how to apply it to their own lives.
In a few places, the books becomes redundant, but it's still interesting. And repetition can help the reader remember the concepts.
Thank you to Edelweiss and the publisher for an ARC!
The authors break it down to five different mindsets. Throughout the book, they share the research base for these mindsets, as well as sharing stories. Humans are wired for story, and these create concrete examples that people can learn from and remember the concepts more clearly. Plus, they can also help the reader relate to something said and/or see better how to apply it to their own lives.
In a few places, the books becomes redundant, but it's still interesting. And repetition can help the reader remember the concepts.
Thank you to Edelweiss and the publisher for an ARC!
May 4, 2026
A lot of good information in here, truly. But it’s a bit of a slog to get through it. It’s almost sometimes like it’s written for fourth graders. I mean it’s based on science and like I said there’s a lot of good information, but to anybody who already has a heart or a clue, a lot of it induces out loud comments like, “Duh!”
And the relationship seesaw metaphor is a bit weak. And truly the people who could benefit from knowing some of these things are not gonna read this book.
I almost abandoned it 10 different times because truly so much of it just seemed stupid. But I pushed through and read the whole damn thing. Lucky me.
And the relationship seesaw metaphor is a bit weak. And truly the people who could benefit from knowing some of these things are not gonna read this book.
I almost abandoned it 10 different times because truly so much of it just seemed stupid. But I pushed through and read the whole damn thing. Lucky me.
March 9, 2026
Thanks to the authors, publisher, and Goodreads for my free print copy of this book (and not even an ARC! a finished copy). I learned a lot and think I can apply the 5 mindsets to my relationships to improve them. As a late diagnosed autistic/adhd-er I have a tough time socially and maintaining friendships so I need the help in understanding how to feel more loved.
March 9, 2026
Earlier chapter was quite nice but as the book went through, I feel this is a more Western Approach on relationship. I was expecting more.
March 29, 2026
Good book on how to find self love
April 14, 2026
As somebody that has been pretty dedicated to self-loating since he was 11 years old and as a result, is grateful for the amazing family and friends he has in this life but will never feel deserving, you could say seeking this book out and taking it all in was destiny and much-needed. In real practicality however, it was an interview conducted by Dr. Todd Kashdan with Ms. Lyubomirsky that grabbed my interest here. What a delight the book was in terms of all facets of love being covered (Intimate, Friendship, etc) and how love is shown and the dynamic nature of it all. One of my favorite insights from the read is "The more you believe in your partner, the more they will believe in you". It seems simple but relationships aren't easy and you can turn on your partner and become jaded pretty easily I've found. Holding on to that bond is the important thing to always keep in mind and the lessons from this read are now in my toolbag for success. The two authors seem to combine for a united voice but with the gender dynamics in play, it would have been better to see who was saying what.
Displaying 1 - 11 of 11 reviews