It All Felt Impossible: 42 Years in 42 Essays

by Tom McAllister

In this meditative and lyrical collection, Tom McAllister challenges himself to write a short essay for every year he’s been alive. With each piece strictly limited to a maximum of 1,500 words, these 42 essays move fluidly through time, taking poetic leaps and ending up in places the reader does not expect. Funny, insightful, and open-hearted, It All Felt Impossible aims to tell the story of McAllister’s life through brief glimpses, anecdotes, and fragments that radiate outward and grapple with his place in the culture at large. In the span of these essays, McAllister witnesses a monorail crash at a zoo, survives a tornado, plays youth sports for tyrannical coaches, grieves for dead parents, learns how to ride a bike as an adult, works long shifts making cheesesteaks, and more. Each annual offering is a search for meaning and connection, chronicled by an engaging and honest voice. A testament to the power of creative constraints and finding innovative ways to tell one’s story, It All Felt 42 Years in 42 Essays is a compelling document of an idiosyncratic human existence that volleys so skillfully between the mundane and the profound that readers will find themselves marveling at these essays long after they have read them.

Genres: Essays, Memoir, Nonfiction

198 pages, Kindle Edition

Published May 11, 2025

About the author

Tom McAllister is the author of the novels "How to Be Safe" and "The Young Widower's Handbook," as well as the memoir "Bury Me in My Jersey." He is the non-fiction editor of Barrelhouse magazine and the co-host of the weekly Book Fight! podcast. His shorter work has appeared in a number of places, including Best American Nonrequired Reading, The Collagist, Hobart, The Rumpus, and The Millions. He lives in New Jersey and is an Associate Professor in the English Department at Temple University.

Reviews

[Lee · Rating 5 out of 5]

Apparently when someone drowns they see their life flash by. This is sort of the literary equivalent. Expected something like Bill Burr imposing upon himself the constraint of writing an autobiographical essay for every year he’s been alive. But it’s not really that, since the author, despite at times in his past seeming like a Philly-area analogue pursuing literary writing instead of stand-up, has been busy differentiating himself, year by year becoming Tom McAllister, a man who would like to see himself as “being open to all the universe has to offer.” These excellent, often unpredictable, amusing, omni-critical (of self and contemporary American and online culture), insightful, moving (on family, friendship, aging, death), and increasingly socio-politically minded annual essays, particularly those covering the past decade or so, often seemed to me like a call (if not quite a cry) for help. Which made me think that for his next “trip,” maybe he would benefit from guided psychedelic therapy at Johns Hopkins or Stanford. That is, it feels like a memoir of a spiritual crisis, albeit unaware of itself as such (despite The Brothers Karamazov inclusion)? To bring it back to Bill Burr: in his semi-recent special shot at Red Rocks he talks about taking mushrooms for the first time and how he experienced a few years of therapy in six hours, realizing that he’d felt like no one was ever there for him when he was a child. In many ways, this reads like the first part of a spiritual-awakening memoir, before our hero finds God in some conventional way (AA maybe) or via alternate mystical paths. Regardless, an enjoyable, engaging, originally conceived read. (Disclosure: I’ve known the author for exactly half of the years covered in this — ie, since 2004 — and the “2006” entry describes a party in the backyard of the house where I lived on the night an F2 tornado came right through Iowa City.)

[D.H. Schleicher · Rating 4 out of 5]

I don’t normally read personal essay collections (the last one was maybe by Kurt Vonnegut) but I’m glad I read this.

Loved the local color and Philly/Jersey based anecdotes as I’m from the same area and about the same age as the author. I felt like I was having a series of back porch conversations about life with a good, albeit slightly depressed but always thoughtful, neighbor.

Sometimes these feel meandering, but there’s recurrent themes, and they all tie together in a way…and such is life.

[Tara Marin · Rating 5 out of 5]

my brother sent me this book, I loved it.

[Drew Kolenik · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am extremely biased here as a former student of the author but Tom really did a wonderful job with these Essays. They all feel sincere and witty without every getting overly saccharine or pessimistic. Really great format to make this a breezy one day read.

[Tracy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautiful. I love a book with constraints. McAllister set out to write an essay about each year of life in 1000 words for each year or less. The essays are very poem-like in the ways they freely associate and jump between ideas, which I love. Anxious and thoughtful, the book is like being inside someone's head as they work out ideas.

"What I'm saying is: if I hadn't slipped in oil back then, maybe I never would have heard this conversation, and what would have been the point of life without it?" (76)

I will be putting It All Felt Impossible next to The Book of Delights on my shelf! Definitely for fans of Ross Gay.

"I have this problem where the things I think are funny are actually sad, and the things I think are depressing are actually funny." (9)

At the Baltimore event, he recommended Elissa Gabbert's essay, "The Leap," as instrumental in the writing process.

[Mitchell · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great collection of essays structured around the notion of writing one for each year McAllister has been alive, ostensibly touching on something relevant that occurred to him that year but typically using it as a jumping off point to explore everything from family to teaching to local politics, with McAllister unafraid to grapple with very stark truths about himself. His essay for 2010, for example, revolves around his relationship with alcohol and contained behaviours which I realised are uncomfortably also true of myself but which I'd never stopped to think about, let alone articulate:

When we are in mixed company, I go to great pains never to be the drunkest person in the room. I monitor the levels of everyone’s drinks and even if my beer is long empty, I will wait to refill until someone else does too, because it feels like they’re giving me permission... With a drink, at least you can look forward to the next drink.

His essay for 1988, which touches on the monorail crash at the Philadelphia Zoo, contains a summation of heroism which has stuck with me:

I know and am related to a lot of people who work in the healthcare field, and they have collectively seen so many people die that their understanding of the tragic is different from most people’s. They have this remarkable ability to convert a physical catastrophe into a series of protocols and procedures, with specific ends in mind. When people talk about First Responders, they revert to clichés about bravery and sacrifice, but I think it’s something more akin to pragmatism. They know how the systems work, and they let their bodies take over. They have a sense of confidence that I feel about almost nothing, besides (sometimes) writing sentences. What looks superhuman is just extreme competence. It doesn’t make for an exciting montage, but maybe if our movies celebrated heroism as the culmination of a life of patient and thoughtful practice, rather than random miracles performed by angry men, we would be an overall healthier society.

In 1991, on his youth sports coaches:

Unqualified youth sports coaches are the gatekeepers to all kinds of trauma. When you meet an asshole out in the wild, you can safely assume he had an asshole coaching him in baseball when he was nine. Because so many people spend their lives being belittled by authority figures, they learn to believe it’s okay for their boss to be like that too. They learn not to value themselves at all. They make excuses for even the worst men. They vote those kinds of men into office because the cruelty is so familiar.

Later, for 2016, he notes: "All this nonsense was supposed to end in November that year, but it all would keep going (forever; it would keep going forever.)"

I'll leave it at that - when I read a tedious or waffling or intellectually dishonest writer of non-fiction I can write about their book at length, but when I read something really good I find myself just quoting it. A great collection, highly recommended.

(Parasocial relationship sidenote: I have listened to their [highly-recommended and recently sadly ended] podcast Book Fight for years, but only while reading this did I realise I've had Tom McAllister and Mike Ingram's voices matched to the wrong faces. Maybe it's just the beard, but Mike has a tough guy's face despite sounding like a mild-mannered, softly-spoken librarian, while Tom has the face of an affable goofball but sounds like a Philly dude who can and will kick your ass in a bar fight. I intend all four of these descriptions as compliments.)

[Tim Nason · Rating 5 out of 5]

5 stars - The subtitle is "42 Years in 42 Essays," which describes how the book is structured, as a sequence of mini essays, with each one prompted by a year in Tom McAllister's life and arranged in chronological order, resulting in a wonderful memoir of great emotional power.

McAllister limited himself to 1500 words maximum per installment, making them very concise, yet within that constraint the content of each feels fluid, spontaneous and unpredictable. I imagine that the open-ended format felt liberating to the writer, allowing him to free-associate, get the words onto the page, by turns delve into memories and opinions and then switch to accounts of personal lapses or comments about his family-life, friendships and writing career. He usually ties things together by the closing sentence, or doesn't. The cumulative effect after the 42nd essay becomes a realistic account of his lived experience, genuinely felt, ambiguous, rich.

He is often at once revealing, self-deprecating, and resistant to further probing:

"There's this writing move I feel like I'm expected to do here, at the end of an essay, where I add some flourishes and assign meaning or reveal hidden beauty in the events I'm describing but sometimes there is no meaning, and the only beauty or ugliness is what's on the surface. What am I supposed to tell you? That everything got better? Come on." (83)

For those with writer's block, adopting McAllister's format might help break up the log jams and get the words flowing.

Published in 2025 by Rose Metal Press of Brookline, Mass., "an independent press dedicated to the publication of hybrid genres."

[Robin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Damn. This book made me inordinately sad, but I wouldn't say it's a sad book (it made me laugh many times). I don't know if it's just coincidental that my brain works similarly to Tom's or if he's that good at describing human nature, but either way this book is incredibly honest about the brutality and beauty of life. I think it's rare to read a memoir or essay collection where the author is so willing to shed light on all their own shortfalls and imperfections, but also where you don't feel like those moves are an attempt to get pity or are just straight up disingenuous. Maybe I'm just old enough now to be thoroughly tired of people trying to pretend to be perfect (or to know everything, or to be everything), and also realizing how few people are willing to actually present who they are to the world. And I think Tom being a great writer creates a depth of sincerity that I haven't found to be that common.

Great writing, great essays; highly recommended.

[Laura Flavin · Rating 5 out of 5]

It All Felt Impossible: 42 Years in 42 Essays by Tom McAllister is a thoughtful and engaging collection that transforms everyday experiences into reflections on memory, growth, loss, humor, and what it means to navigate an unpredictable life.

Through 42 personal essays, McAllister captures moments both ordinary and extraordinary, creating a portrait built from small details, unexpected memories, and honest observations. The collection balances humor with vulnerability, showing how personal stories can reveal something universal about connection, change, and the search for meaning.

What makes this book stand out is its ability to find significance in the overlooked moments childhood experiences, family, work, grief, relationships, and the strange events that shape who we become.

A rewarding read for fans of memoir, personal essays, and reflective storytelling that feels both intimate and widely relatable.

[Brittany Micka-Foos · Rating 5 out of 5]

Whether or not you’re a fan of personal essays, this collection is a must-read. I can’t say enough good things about It All Felt Impossible. Smart, vulnerable, and witty without pretension, this book has no right to be as entertaining as it is. The premise is simple: 42 years in 42 essays, one essay for each year. But baked within is a meditation on how to come to terms with the life we’ve created for ourselves. How can we siphon some meaning out of individual, often inconsequential, moments? I came away inspired to be more observant and intentional about the stories I tell in both my writing and my life.

[Jared · Rating 5 out of 5]

These essays cover a lot of ground emotionally and temporally and I'm struggling to articulate why I loved this book so much. I think the essay-collection-as-memoir structure is an excellent one and as I'm about the same age as the author, I was able to relate beat by beat to many changing feelings I've had towards my own life. I was left feeling hopeful and satisfied, and wanted more. Full-throated endorsement here. Spend a day here with this book; I can't imagine you'd regret it.

[Karenna · Rating 5 out of 5]

McAllister interrogates how to be a better person amidst life’s obvious challenges and unexpected graces. This would make a great gift because it has something relatable for almost any reader. Whether you love animals and sports or lament poor decisions and graceless retorts, McAllister has experienced similar setbacks and triumphs. By sharing these essays, he demonstrates that we all muddle through our lives; he hails you from across the pages with understanding and sympathy.

[Alan · Rating 4 out of 5]

While I always find it difficult to rate memoirs and in this case essays that are in fact memoirs, this book is first of all aptly named. Exceptionally funny but also incredibly honest and difficult to read at times because of it is quite a roller coaster of emotion.

[Nick · Rating 5 out of 5]

In a world full of short clips for even shorter attention spans. A books of essays that are less than 1,500 words each is a great idea. Really enjoyed this book. Tom sprinkles some life lessons throughout the book. Definitely worth the read.

[Drew · Rating 4 out of 5]

All of the essays are beautifully written, and if the structure of the book precludes the opportunity for a traditional story arc, it allows for a kind of cubist portrait of a certain kind of man at this particular moment in time. I found it moving.

[Kathleen · Rating 5 out of 5]

We are publishing this at Rose Metal Press and it's so good, duh.

[Tom · Rating 5 out of 5]

had to do it

[Eryn Sunnolia · Rating 5 out of 5]

beautiful book. vulnerable, honest, funny. i loved it.

[Caryn · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think this is my favorite one of Tom McAllister's books. I loved it.

[Riko · Rating 4 out of 5]

Enjoyed every essay. What a creative idea - to write an essay for every year of your life.

[frumpburger · Rating 4 out of 5]

I love my boy Tom and the 3/4 of his published books that I’ve had the opportunity to read. I miss Book Fight but I am glad to have more of his work to engage with.

[Virgowriter (Brad Windhauser) · Rating 5 out of 5]

A number of strong essays, especially the last two.

[BookTorch Reviews · Rating 4 out of 5]

Tom McAllister’s It All Felt Impossible is an unassuming, quietly profound book of essays that traces a life through the simplest possible structure: one piece for each year of the author’s life, starting in 1982.

That premise may sound a little simplistic, but McAllister turns it into something tender and revealing. Rather than simply ticking off milestones, like his first job, first heartbreak, marriage, career, he reaches into the hidden corners of memory and mixes in all the “life” that happens on the peripheries.

Read the entire review here: https://www.undergroundvoices.com/TBT...

[Mitch · Rating 5 out of 5]

Moving portrait of both the quotidian aspects of a writer's life and the kind of extraordinary moments (tornados, weddings, deaths in the family) that permanently change our lives. These personal essays, one for each year of McAllister's life, left me pleasantly stunned. The idea is so simple and airy - of course it's also profound and actually life-affirming. I eagerly await the sequel. :)