The Ghost of My Father

by Scott Berkun

From bestselling author Scott Berkun comes this powerful book, funded by hundreds of fans on Kickstarter.

The Ghost of My Father is about his failed relationship with his father, and how his family was torn apart in 2012. Through intimate personal stories the book explores the meaning of family and how he worked to understand himself as an adult in the wake of a distant parent and a broken family.

This is an achingly personal memoir of loss, love and the hope of transformation by understanding the past. This story is for anyone struggling with their identity in their family and seeking a bright path through dark times.

50% of the profits from this edition will be donated to Big Brothers Big Sisters, a non-profit that helps children in need find supportive adult mentors.

Scott Berkun is the author of five popular books and his work as a writer and speaker has appeared in The New York Times, The Washington Post, Forbes, The Wall Street Journal, The Economist, National Public Radio, CNN, CNBC, NPR and MSNBC. Join his mailing list for his latest essays, lectures and projects at scottberkun.com.

Genres: Nonfiction

202 pages, Paperback

First published October 22, 2014

About the author

Scott Berkun is the author of four popular books, Making Things Happen, The Myths of Innovation, Confessions of a Public Speaker and Mindfire: Big Ideas for Curious Minds. His work as a writer and speaker have appeared in the The Washington Post, the New York Times, Wired, the Economist, Fast Company, Forbes, CNBC, MSNBC, CNN, National Public Radio and other media. His many popular essays and entertaining lectures can be found for free on his blog at http://www.scottberkun.com, and he tweets at https://twitter.com/berkun.

Reviews

[Doug Nordman · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've read all of Scott Berkun's books and his blog posts. He's an entertaining speaker. He's a computer geek's idol, and I think of him every time I see the Internet Explorer icon or use WordPress Jetpack on my blog.

But "Ghost of My Father" is a completely different book, and it's written for everyone with a family. He grew up under a dysfunctional father who was emotionally absent (a "ghost") and who abandoned the family for three years during Berkun's youth. Even as they later reunited and attempted a reconciliation, his father's lack of empathy and sharp criticism tore them apart again. Berkun has spent most of his adult years figuring out how this affected his behavior and how to heal. Instead of lashing out at his father, he used his painful experience to learn how to grow in to a mature human.

As an author, I'm amazed at the breadth and depth of Berkun's writing. He's tried at least one of just about everything and I'm challenged to apply the skills he's shared. Better still, Berkun's analysis of his family helped me understand my own father. It's made me think hard about how I've raised my daughter and how I'm going to behave when we're together.

I know we all read a lot of books here, and sometimes the mystery novel or sci-fi thriller gets picked up instead of the management manual. This time, put away the fiction for a few hours to read a memoir that's even more compelling than the latest novel. If you were neglected as a child, this book will show a path to healing. If you're a parent, you'll appreciate the wisdom and apply it with your own family.

[Martin Hassman · Rating 2 out of 5]

Kniha nesplnila moje očekávání. Od Scotta Berkuna jsem zvyklý, že si téma nastuduje dost do hloubky a pak ho fundovaně přednese. Proto jsem očekával něco podobného i v této knize, a protože byla jiná, byl jsem zklamaný.

Scott pocházející z dysfunkční rodiny zde píše svůj osobní příběh a soustředí se na vztah se svým otcem, který je dle této Scottovy knihy příčinou většiny problémů. To je silné téma a Scott do něj jde velmi otevřeně a systematicky. Pokud nejste zvyklí na zpovědi traumatizovaného dětství, tak vás hloubka a otevřenost knihy možná zaskočí. Bohužel, tím končí to dobré, co mohu o knize říct. Celou knihou se táhne psychologický zápas otec-syn, ve kterém syn znovu a znovu prohrává. Veškeré jeho snahy otce změnit nebo aspoň pochopit a vynutit si od něj přiznání viny jsou neúspěšné. Jakkoliv srdceryvné je to téma, na dobrou knihu toto zpracování nestačí. Pokud jste trochu zasvěceni do rodinných terapií, možná budete mít chuť si trhat vlasy a volat na Scotta, co to proboha dělá, vždyť takhle to nemůže fungovat. Kniha se tak soustředí jen na podrobné popisování slepých uliček. A Scottovým neúspěchem a (možná definitivním) zavržením otce také končí.

Jakkoliv Scotta rád čtu a vážím si ho, tak se domnívám, že tohle dílo nezvládl. Ale není se čemu divit, bylo by nad síly mnoha z nás. Kdyby se z celé stávající knihy stala úvodní kapitola popisující nefunční stav a pak následovala kniha popisujících dalších 5-10 let práce Scotta na sobě a svých vztazích, mohlo by se jednat o další Scottovu skvělou knihu. Ale v současné podobě, ve které kniha popisuje jen ony slepé uličky a smutek, který po jejich průchodu zůstane, nevím, zda ji vůbec někomu doporučit. (Rozhodně ne někomu, kdo se snaží na svých rodinných vztazích pracovat!) Vypadá to, jakoby ji Scott psal hlavně kvůli sobě a ne kvůli čtenářům.

Navzdory mé tvrdé kritičnosti přeji Scottovi hodně zdaru do dalšího života a dalších knih.

[Brandon · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've heard it said that telling our story is important not just because it's ours but because there is chance you will recognize that in many ways it is also yours. This is the exact experience I had reading Scott Berkun's newest book. I encountered dysfunctional family dynamics during much of my upbringing, culminating in the news during college of my moms affair. In reading Scott's vulnerable, and intimate account, which I zipped through in one day, it was like I had found a friend who came alongside me to comfort and empathize and encourage me forward in my journey of healing. His intent is not to let us stay stuck in the pain of the past but to make peace with it and create a new legacy. Some might think it's depressing to dig into the past but I've found, like Scott, that it's the only way to a more free and healthy future.

[Ken Ndirangu · Rating 2 out of 5]

I read this book because I read other books by Scott, but this memoir is a one sided book from someone who seems to expect too much from a not very good father.
He needs to accept the fact that his father cannot change the past. Forgive him even if he doesn't ask for forgiveness and accept the fact that he has his own life to live. Let him make his own choices however unpopular and live and learn in his own way.
I think he feels entitled to a mythical father, yet actually most people would kill to have a father like the one he had. Especially a father who provides the material things that make it possible to excel in life and go beyond the subsistence they have provided. I find Scott too judgmental and self righteous.

[Robert Fayle · Rating 4 out of 5]

Everyone should read this book. It will make you think about your family relationships and your role.

[Ravi Gangadat · Rating 5 out of 5]

The "Ghost of My Father" by Scott Berkun should be added at the top of everyone's reading list. The title of the book is a metaphor for him and his relationship with his dad; Scott's dad was always somewhere else while Scott searched for an ideal father. The purpose of the book is to explain the dysfunctions of his family to his estranged nieces and nephews so they don't make the same mistakes he made. I believe Scott accomplished his goal and took us along for the ride.

I enjoyed reading this book because I can relate to what Scott has gone through in his life. He shared perspectives that I think would help anyone better understand and cope with relationship issues. One of the things that I've learned about successful relationships is it takes emotional maturity to repair an argument quickly. Scott summed it up nicely by stating; "People who care about each other should come back the next day to sort out what happened the day before." If you can repair an argument quickly with a friend or a loved one than you have a shot at having very good relationships.

This is a book that resonated with me and I can't wait to read it again.

Disclosure: I received this book from Scott Berkun as part of my contribution to the Kickstarter project for this book. But, after reading the book, I purchased additional copies for family and friends

[George Wenzel · Rating 5 out of 5]

A haunting tale of the realities of fatherhood, the pains of betrayal, and the complexity of family. Like Scott Berkun's previous books, this is one to make you think.

Unlike previous works by Berkun, though, this one is deeply personal. It tells the story of his family, from his early memories of growing up in NYC to his final interactions with his father.

As a (mostly) well-adjusted product of a dysfunctional family and a father myself, this book left me thinking about my role as patriarch and the daily impact I have on the lives of my children.

This is a worthwhile read no matter your family dynamic. Berkun is a master with words, and explores themes of memory, family, loyalty, and maturity like no other.

[Ian Stewart · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was tough to read at times but pretty incredible. Emotionally tough that is. I started and finished it in one evening. I think I'm most impressed with Berkun's honesty throughout. Both with himself and his family. I'll be recommending this one to friends for a long time.

[Tomáš · Rating 3 out of 5]

I deeply appreciate the courage to write this book. It's very intimate, emotional but also one-sided and kind of naive. I'm not a psychologist nor specialist in family relations, but I'm also in "complicated" relation with my father and I already know that some attempts to improve things actually make them worse. But this doesn't mean that this book is bad. Quite the opposite! It's a breathtaking confession. It reveals true story (at least from one point of view) with twists and details, that are hardly to find in any novels. There are many opportunities to think about relations and family values. I would add more stars for more retrospects and interviews with other family members.

[John Collins · Rating 1 out of 5]

I did not care for Berkun’s The Ghost of My Father. It was sad and depressing—a hard read. I’ve read other depressing books, but this one never clicked for me. Maybe because I’m fortunate enough to not have a similar background, so I found it hard to relate. I don’t know.

That said, I take a few things away from the book. One, be open and honest and present for those you care about. Two, I owe it to my family to never create such a situation for any of them.

I imagine there are people who can totally relate to Berkun’s background, and as a result, it might resonate with them in ways I can’t imagine.

[Jasmine · Rating 3 out of 5]

The pattern of involvement vs cutting off his father was too repetitive for me, but then it is reflective of the author’s real life experiences. Much like in real life, Berkun does a great job of showcasing the struggles of admitting problems and the lingering effects they have in our lives. He does a decent job also showing how the ghosts tend to stick around longer than we like and their effects on our psyche. Overall though, it felt more whiny and childish than having any sort of resolution.

[Les Reynolds · Rating 4 out of 5]

Insightful and therapeutic.

[John Khoury · Rating 4 out of 5]

What can I say? It’s a beautiful book and he is exceptionally gifted at these philosophical one-liners scattered all throughout the book. But why did he write it? What is this book about? It’s about a gaping hole in a boy that never gets filled. He has a distant relationship with his father and this is painful.

I wonder if he realizes this. I watch on the sidelines as he tries so desperately to have this hole filled but he never will. There is wavering acceptance in this book, but mostly trying to get the world to be different from what it is. He doesn’t accept that his father is the way he is and he doesn’t accept that he, the author, is the only person who can fill that missing part of himself. As I read it, I want him to figure this out and get out of this emotional void. He's a good guy with a lot to give the world and you don't want him to be so hurt. As someone who also has daddy issues, I can say that real freedom is giving yourself what you so desperately want from others.

In any case, it took real balls for him to write this. It reads very well and there are a lot of little truths that you will resonate with.

[Jenny Zhao · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have not read one book so fluently and being totally engrossed in it for so long. It is not until now that I come to realize that how the flow of the writer can echo with that of the reader, and how the journey of some stranger who struggles to find the lost identity can accord with mine own. I myself have a very bad childhood, being imbued with lack of care and understanding from father and parental relationship who is constantly in jeopardy and when I have grown up, I have been trying to seek a reasonable way to balance the relationship by talking and communication. I know that my father can never understand my behaviors and he has lost the capability of love. I just do not follow his trail once again. However, I am finding it increasing hard for me to establish connections with people around me as I grow older. I am locked up by the wall of loneliness created by my own and no matter how hard I tried, I cannot gain sincere happiness while I am communicating with other people but enjoyed reading, writing and thinking on my own great in outrageous happiness. By doing so, I have pushed people around me away. While I know this is wrong, but how can I help myself?

[David Sanchez · Rating 4 out of 5]

I felt identified with Scott's story.

[Andrea James · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've a couple of Scott Berkun's other books, which were on project management and public speaking. I like his writing style and since I have a fascination with dysfunctional families (still working my way through "A death in the family") I decided to have a poke at this book as well.

The author is candid about his feelings and I could relate to quite a few of his perspectives. Perhaps it was his admission about the unreliability of our memories that made me comfortable with his level of self-awareness and reflection. This comfort endeared me to the book and also made me feel pained about my own angst our family relationships. He did attempt to understand why his father and mother made the choices that they did but, as is often the case in my experience too, did not reach much more than speculation as his questions to his father did not bear much fruit.

All in all, this was a short book that was just right for the usual ponderous Christmas/year-end period.

[Tracy · Rating 3 out of 5]

I love memoir and tried to like this book, but did not really care for it. In fact, I did not finish it. The story is about the author and his complicated relationship with his father. As much as I tried to see the author's point of view, I felt like he was whining which really bothered me as I was reading. His father was not the Dad he wanted him to be, so the author continues to try to give him new chances in an attempt to heal the relationship and then is continually disappointed in his father's actions/responses. I get the hurt and pain from childhood wounds, but I don't see any development of insight, understanding or forgiveness on the author's part. All I see is blame. There comes a point where we have to let go and accept. We get a lousy parent, we learn what we do not want to be from them, we realize they did their best even if it wasn't what we wanted or needed. This is life. Not sure the author is here yet.

[Rita · Rating 3 out of 5]

I admire Scott Berkun for having the courage to write such a personal family memoir that opens up so much hurt. Scott's confusion and frustrations about his own life are based on having a father that took no real responsibility for his poor choices and left a family hanging in limbo as he came and went whenever he desired. It demonstrates how a parent forms and nurtures the lives of their children and what happens when that parent does not take seriously the responsibilities of family life, ie. commitment, respect for others, example-setting, love, etc., that is required when raising other human beings. It left me feeling that broken families are perhaps the rule and not the exception more often than not.

[Larry Kunz · Rating 5 out of 5]

My family is different from Scott Berkun's. Yet as I read The Ghost of My Father, Berkun's memoir about growing up as a member of his family, I gain insight into the relationships within my own family. At the same time I find myself totally absorbed in Berkun's story.

The remarkable candor and honesty with which Berkun writes, and the absolute genuineness of his story, make this book worth reading. This isn't about a man "working through his issues." It's about a human being sharing intimate memories, fears, and complex emotions -- inviting us to connect as fellow human beings and to judge him as we see fit. No pretense. No agenda. But something definitely worth sharing.

[Hari B · Rating 4 out of 5]

what works: Berkun starts by quoting Hemingway - write hard and clear about what hurts and he does complete justice to that in the level of depth and detail with which he explores his complex relationship with his dad.

what doesn't work: at times I found it difficult to empathize with the author and found the narrative too one sided. it would have been nice to get his dads perspective on things but perhaps closure is too much to expect in real life.

[Deedra Climer · Rating 2 out of 5]

I have followed Berkun's blog for a while and really love his intellectual writing. I was disappointed, however, in his memoir. There is obviously so much pain in him that the story is at times gut wrenching, but I hoped for more sense-making from Berkun than he was able to do. I say keep writing this story - you aren't done yet.

[M. · Rating 3 out of 5]

In "The Fire Next Time" James Baldwin writes, “I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain.”

This book is the story of someone wrestling with pain obscured not by hate, but by anger and sadness, which when combined are often as enervating as hate. It is a tough read, and a good one.

[Jason · Rating 4 out of 5]

A powerfully honest work. While my relationship with my father was nothing like this it has prompted me to think more deeply about the relationship I do have and what I should be doing to maintain it.

[Debi · Rating 1 out of 5]

"The Ghost of My Father" doesn't feel like a memoir, rather it comes off as blaming his dad for not wanting him to be the kind of dad he wanted. Berkun seemed willing to expose his perceived shortcomings of every member of his family, without ever looking inward.

[Hind Almazeedi · Rating 5 out of 5]

An honest memoir about family, loss, and resilience.

[Claire · Rating 4 out of 5]

A thought provoking and enthralling memoir, I read it through the first time in one night and then went back again to read it again!

[Smaranda · Rating 5 out of 5]

Deeply moving.

[Yurii Borachok · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's very good book about relationship in family specially : role of parents. I think it would be useful for everyone to read and over think it to prevent stupid misstake which can broke a lot.

[David Allen · Rating 4 out of 5]

See my review at: http://davidmallenmd.blogspot.com/201...