Ah, what a delightful, innocent little tale, perfect for the tiny, uncorrupted minds of small children. A book so charming, so utterly inoffensive, that it could only be described as a warm hug in literary form. You know, the kind of story that teaches basic human decency, kindness, and possibly the alphabet—real subversive stuff. And yet, somehow, against all logic, reason, or even the vaguest understanding of reality, this book and others like it were banned by Trump’s Department of Defense.
Why, you ask? Oh, that’s the real mystery, is it not? Was it the presence of multisyllabic words? A potential threat to the delicate, ever-fragile minds of those who fear literacy as a gateway drug to independent thought? Perhaps a bear or bunny in the story dared to display an unacceptable level of emotional intelligence, thereby undermining the very fabric of whatever it is that keeps these people awake at night.
One can only assume the book contained ideas so dangerously radical—like sharing, inclusion, or (gasp!) critical thinking—that it sent shivers down the spines of those who prefer their populations docile, obedient, and blissfully uninformed. Whatever the reason, I am sure it was a deeply well-researched and completely rational decision, much like injecting bleach or staring at the sun.
But do not worry! We are all much safer now that this menacing children’s book has been removed from military bases, ensuring that our brave troops will never fall victim to the corrosive effects of kindness and comprehension. Bravo, America. Another crisis averted.