Invisible Chains: Overcoming Coercive Control in Your Intimate Relationship

by Lisa Aronson Fontes

When you are showered with attention, it can feel incredibly romantic and can blind you to hints of problems ahead. But what happens when attentiveness becomes domination? In some relationships, the desire to control leads to jealousy, gaslighting, threats, micromanaging--even physical violence. If you or someone you care about are trapped in a web of coercive control, this book provides answers, hope, and a way out. Lisa Aronson Fontes draws on both professional expertise and personal experience to help

*Recognize controlling behaviors of all kinds.
*Understand why this destructive pattern occurs.
*Determine whether you are in danger and if your partner can change.
*Protect yourself and your kids.
*Find the support and resources you need.
*Take action to improve or end your relationship.
*Regain your freedom and independence.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Self Help, Audiobook, Mental Health, Abuse

220 pages, Hardcover

First published March 9, 2015

About the author

Lisa Aronson Fontes, PhD, is on the faculty of the University Without Walls at the University of Massachusetts Amherst. She has dedicated two decades to making the social service, mental health, criminal justice, and medical systems more responsive to culturally diverse people. Dr. Fontes has published widely on cultural issues in child maltreatment and violence against women, cross-cultural research, and ethics. She has worked as a family, individual, and group psychotherapist, and has conducted research in Santiago, Chile, and with Puerto Ricans, African Americans, and European Americans in the United States. She also worked for three years with Somali refugees. In 2007 Dr. Fontes was awarded a Fulbright Foundation Fellowship, which she completed in Buenos Aires, Argentina. Fluent in Spanish and Portuguese, she is a frequent conference speaker and workshop facilitator.

Reviews

[Elizabeth Lukas]

I think this was a great read whether you are going through a harmful relationship or know someone who is.

This book helped me to understand that a lot of things are not just in my mind, I am not going crazy. This is all real and I am not alone.

[Janice · Rating 5 out of 5]

We all know about physical abuse - actual physical harm caused to a victim by a perpetrator, but how many know about the other forms of abuse that don't show up physically. These are the forms/types of "coercive control" that we help so many with each and every day. There are a lot of ways that perpetrators of violence harm their victims. They literally make their lives living hell and knowingly, in ways that are hard to explain and prove in the court of law or even to friends and family. This book - should be in every single home, school, office - as a reference and communication starter. I can think of so many who should read this. One of the BEST parts of this book is the section for teenagers. Not only about teenage relationships and how/why teenagers become involved in coercive controlled relationships, but for parents/adults who love kids and work with them - how can we support them as they grow, learn, and experience all that they are. I wish I had had this when my daughter was in high school! Read, share, learn, grow - and start the conversation! This is a great tool -

[Tracy Fry · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was well written and insightful. It will resonate very strongly with people who have been in relationships with NPD and/or BPD too.

[Brianna Dahl · Rating 5 out of 5]

Read this book for my masters program, but I must say if you or someone you know are in a relationship where one spouse is taking excessive control over the other, please read this book. Offers great stories, insights, and recommendations on how to handle the abusive situation as well as educating the reader of what coercive control is. If you plan on giving this book to someone who is in an abusive relationship please make sure they have a safe place to hide it prior to.

[Dr. Libia · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a great, informative book. All therapists, health care providers and all humans should read it.
Perhaps a good wedding gift and gift even for teens starting to date.
While you think I am exaggerating, the number of abusive relationships has increased in teens, and all age groups. This book has something for everyone, including those who witness a friend or relative be in an "abusive" relationship.

[Alex Rogers · Rating 2 out of 5]

Having been blown away last year by Jess Hill's devastating "See What You Made Me Do", I picked this up to learn more about the subject. But while the book is authoritative, written by an expert in the subject and full of useful information and guides / resources, it really felt like a primer on the subject for people who had never heard of it. I can see it would be very useful for someone in a controlling relationship for recognising, understanding and validating their own experiences, and provides practical and useful information for them, and any of their loved ones who wish to support them. But it felt quite shallow and unsatisfying - lacking any real academic / scientific / historical background, or Hill's journalistic rigour and steely passion. A potentially useful resource, but didn't add much to my understanding and not a particularly interesting read.

[Alesia · Rating 5 out of 5]

such a great book. So much great information in here! I had so many come to Jesus moments while reading this book, like omg yes this is the nightmare that my life has been the last few years. The author does a great job of really specifying the stages of the cycle of abuse. The author does a great job of not using jargon and Really making every stage and situation applicable to everyones situation.

[Rachel Rowell · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very well written. Useful information for victims as well as anyone else, but especially those in health care and law enforcement. My only suggestion would be to include more about the propensity to go back into this kind of relationship once in it (bc of patterns, familiarity) to help survivors be aware of this and why and set up safeguards against it.

I plan to go over the teenage section with my own teens so they will be more aware of what is normal and abnormal behavior in a relationship.

[sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

I learned so much from this book and now I understand the toxic relationship I had been through for 13 years with whom I thought was my college sweetheart. Now I understand why I lost my self esteem, why I always feel sorry and blame myself for everything. Thank you for writing this book to help us understand and also to educate others about coercive control.

[Jenny Saltmarsh · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a hard book to read but I am incredibly glad I did. Full of useful information and a good starting point for anyone who is concerned if the balance of their relationship is right.
Good solid practical advice.

[Emily Cauduro · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great introductory book on coercive control. I loved the included anecdotes and the ease of reading.
My main critique of the book is that I wish there was discussion on different races and cultures and how this could play a role in power imbalance.

Overall a great resource

[Hillary Connor · Rating 3 out of 5]

Important outline of coercive control and strategies for resistance, but more of a self help format rather than extensive analysis of the problem. Not super engaging for me personally but an important area of study and I appreciated the accessible, non academic language.

[Chani · Rating 5 out of 5]

Lisa understands coercive control and domestic violence in a way that few others do. This book is wonderful for those who know a lot about this topic and for those who don't and want to understand more.

[Maxine · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great information in this book for people who are going through this kind of relationship, or even those who have in the past.

[Becky Evangelidis · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really liked this book. It helped me to compartmentalise the mess that was my thoughts and memories after being with a coercively controlling partner. I wish I had read it sooner than I did.

[Pumpkin Spice · Rating 5 out of 5]

I checked this out at the library and had to resist marking in it, making notes. I need to buy my own copy because this book is a keeper.

[Ankit Dewan · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a great , no the best book on what not to do in a relationship for a man.

Reading it used to get me goosebumps on how my actions in the past might have been conceived as coercive control. When I unconciously and out of concern was obligated by my manly ego to do such actions.

This book by Ms. Lisa Aronson Fontes is a must read for every human being no matter what there age is.

Thanks to The Guilford press for printing it and to Guelph Library for carrying it.

[Matthew Mechtly · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fontes did a great job characterizing the many behaviors that can fall into the bucket of what she calls "coercive control". If you think you might be in an abusive relationship, I'd encourage your reading this book.

[Jessica · Rating 4 out of 5]

Eye opening would recommend! I read this book to learn more about control in relationships.