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Triumph of the Heart: Forgiveness in an Unforgiving World
When Megan Feldman Bettencourt found herself embittered after a breakup and a string of professional setbacks, she met an extraordinary man named Azim. Azim had forgiven the man who killed his beloved only son, and even reached out to the killer’s family. He truly seemed to be at peace.
As a veteran journalist, Megan recognized it for the amazing story it was. But as a self-admitted grudge-holder, she was perplexed. Was there something wrong with him, or was there something wrong with her? She wondered about our ability to forgive—why we have it at all, why we do it, and whether it can help us.
Triumph of the Heart is the story of Megan’s quest to understand this complex concept, from both a scientific perspective and a human one. She draws on cutting-edge research showing that forgiveness can provide a range of health benefits, from relieving depression to decreasing high blood pressure. She examines situations as mundane as road rage, as painful as cheating spouses, and as unthinkable as war crimes. Through stories of people and even communities who have forgiven in the toughest of circumstances, she shows us how they’re able to do it, the profound sense of freedom they feel afterward, and the evocative implications for peacemaking worldwide.
This journey takes Megan from recovered addicts who restarted their lives by seeking forgiveness, to a Baltimore principal who used forgiveness techniques to eradicate violence in her school, to genocide survivors in Rwanda who forgave the people who killed their families and perpetrators who are still trying to redeem themselves.
Along the way, Megan strengthens her own powers of forgiveness, altering her life in ways she never expected. With grace and compassion, she reveals that our human capacity for forgiveness not only makes us healthier and happier, but is the key to healing, growing, and living well.
As a veteran journalist, Megan recognized it for the amazing story it was. But as a self-admitted grudge-holder, she was perplexed. Was there something wrong with him, or was there something wrong with her? She wondered about our ability to forgive—why we have it at all, why we do it, and whether it can help us.
Triumph of the Heart is the story of Megan’s quest to understand this complex concept, from both a scientific perspective and a human one. She draws on cutting-edge research showing that forgiveness can provide a range of health benefits, from relieving depression to decreasing high blood pressure. She examines situations as mundane as road rage, as painful as cheating spouses, and as unthinkable as war crimes. Through stories of people and even communities who have forgiven in the toughest of circumstances, she shows us how they’re able to do it, the profound sense of freedom they feel afterward, and the evocative implications for peacemaking worldwide.
This journey takes Megan from recovered addicts who restarted their lives by seeking forgiveness, to a Baltimore principal who used forgiveness techniques to eradicate violence in her school, to genocide survivors in Rwanda who forgave the people who killed their families and perpetrators who are still trying to redeem themselves.
Along the way, Megan strengthens her own powers of forgiveness, altering her life in ways she never expected. With grace and compassion, she reveals that our human capacity for forgiveness not only makes us healthier and happier, but is the key to healing, growing, and living well.
262 pages, Hardcover
First published August 11, 2015
25 people are currently reading
469 people want to read
About the author
Megan Feldman Bettencourt
1 book6 followersMegan Feldman Bettencourt is an award-winning writer. She began her career as a Central America-based freelancer and earned a master’s degree from the Columbia University Graduate School of Journalism in New York.
Megan’s features have appeared in magazines such as Glamour, Details, and 5280: The Denver Magazine, and in newspapers including Newsday and the Dallas Observer.
She lives in Denver with her husband and son.
Megan’s features have appeared in magazines such as Glamour, Details, and 5280: The Denver Magazine, and in newspapers including Newsday and the Dallas Observer.
She lives in Denver with her husband and son.
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Displaying 1 - 21 of 21 reviews
December 21, 2015
Let me begin by noting my utter lack of enthusiasm for self-help books. This one did nothing to change my mind.
I purchased this book some months after hearing an interview with the author on a radio show. I was very much intrigued by the idea of forgiveness. It seems a simple and noble concept, but how does one actually achieve it? How can it be sustained? The interview lingered in the back of my mind but did not compel me to run out and buy the book (though I thought about it).
Subsequently, my family suffered an unimaginable tragedy. It was not long, a day or two after the event, that I thought of forgiveness, and I thought of that interview I had heard a few months before. I sought out the book and read it with considerable anticipation for insight. I was disappointed.
It is not a bad book, and it does discuss at some length case histories of remarkable people who managed to forgive some horrific slights. But I quickly became annoyed with the author's repeated reflections on her own comparatively trivial issues and their relation to more profound situations.
Too much of the book focuses on coping with romantic-relationship issues, especially through the author's own experiences. She somehow manages to fold such pap into a book that also talks of genocide and random murder. That the author might have managed to forgive an ex-boyfriend for a drunken night, or herself for being typically childish in sixth grade, strikes me as mundane in the extreme compared to stories of overcoming the murder of a son or the fact that one's family was hacked to death with machetes.
The book struck me as an extended cathartic exercise for the author on a road to redemption that appears to be a long time to completion. There are some nuggets of wisdom buried in the book, and might be worth finding--if you're willing to trudge through the trivia. I trudged. It was not satisfying and I am no closer to understanding how one forgives or how it becomes permanent ... although I did find resources in this book where I might continue my search. For that, I gave an extra star.
I purchased this book some months after hearing an interview with the author on a radio show. I was very much intrigued by the idea of forgiveness. It seems a simple and noble concept, but how does one actually achieve it? How can it be sustained? The interview lingered in the back of my mind but did not compel me to run out and buy the book (though I thought about it).
Subsequently, my family suffered an unimaginable tragedy. It was not long, a day or two after the event, that I thought of forgiveness, and I thought of that interview I had heard a few months before. I sought out the book and read it with considerable anticipation for insight. I was disappointed.
It is not a bad book, and it does discuss at some length case histories of remarkable people who managed to forgive some horrific slights. But I quickly became annoyed with the author's repeated reflections on her own comparatively trivial issues and their relation to more profound situations.
Too much of the book focuses on coping with romantic-relationship issues, especially through the author's own experiences. She somehow manages to fold such pap into a book that also talks of genocide and random murder. That the author might have managed to forgive an ex-boyfriend for a drunken night, or herself for being typically childish in sixth grade, strikes me as mundane in the extreme compared to stories of overcoming the murder of a son or the fact that one's family was hacked to death with machetes.
The book struck me as an extended cathartic exercise for the author on a road to redemption that appears to be a long time to completion. There are some nuggets of wisdom buried in the book, and might be worth finding--if you're willing to trudge through the trivia. I trudged. It was not satisfying and I am no closer to understanding how one forgives or how it becomes permanent ... although I did find resources in this book where I might continue my search. For that, I gave an extra star.
May 27, 2019
If there’s anything I’ve learned this past year, it is that I continue to struggle with forgiveness.
I had a difficult conversation with a friend of mine regarding why we want our friends to see this who have done us wrong through the lens which we do. And what does that say about us? What does it mean when want our friends to see the same character flaws and invoke the same judgements on others that we do? It feels so very high school and, yet, as she challenged me, it is not rational for us to want such.
Reading this book proved insightful as to why I desire to extend grace and still struggle very much to do so. Apologies imply changed behavior and it reminds me that the idea of betrayal cuts so deep to our core because the very act of betrayal is rooted in friendships. Our enemies cannot “betray” us; the word alone implies a bond, a connectedness that was disrupted.
I have more work to do. Being vengeful and vindictive, while feeling great in the moment, is consuming. Emotionally. Mentally. Physically draining. As much as I desire for the world to see the true character of those who have wronged me, and at the same time want to value mercy as a characteristic that I find necessary, it is forgiveness, true forgiveness, that I am learning is challenging my notion of what it means to live and love fully.
I’m not there yet, and worry, from this book, if I will ever be there fully.
I had a difficult conversation with a friend of mine regarding why we want our friends to see this who have done us wrong through the lens which we do. And what does that say about us? What does it mean when want our friends to see the same character flaws and invoke the same judgements on others that we do? It feels so very high school and, yet, as she challenged me, it is not rational for us to want such.
Reading this book proved insightful as to why I desire to extend grace and still struggle very much to do so. Apologies imply changed behavior and it reminds me that the idea of betrayal cuts so deep to our core because the very act of betrayal is rooted in friendships. Our enemies cannot “betray” us; the word alone implies a bond, a connectedness that was disrupted.
I have more work to do. Being vengeful and vindictive, while feeling great in the moment, is consuming. Emotionally. Mentally. Physically draining. As much as I desire for the world to see the true character of those who have wronged me, and at the same time want to value mercy as a characteristic that I find necessary, it is forgiveness, true forgiveness, that I am learning is challenging my notion of what it means to live and love fully.
I’m not there yet, and worry, from this book, if I will ever be there fully.
December 30, 2017
“In my explorations of the nature of forgiveness, I realized that in many ways, forgiveness is the willingness to place more attention on the good than on the bad. It means taking on a view of life and a practice of living it, that enables you to experience more joy and love while also giving more joy and love to others.”
–Megan Feldman Bettencourt
I did it! Last book of the year, and what a great choice to end on. I had never heard of this book and found it at an amazing sale in Malaysia. Gold.
Megan Bettencourt explores forgiveness through a variety of lenses– within marriages, from children to parents, in war zones and inner city schools, through science, and in spiritual practices. She meets with a Rwandan priest who adopted the children of his mother’s killer, a recovering alcoholic who turned into a leader in advice-giving around Phoenix, Israeli and Palestinian girls who learn how to befriend “the other side” at a San Francisco camp, and the father of a shooting victim in San Diego who works with his the family of his son’s killer to prevent gun violence. I remember attending that program as a kid.
This book had such a good blend of rich information, truthful insight, and powerful stories- all presented clearly and sharply. I loved it.
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
–Megan Feldman Bettencourt
I did it! Last book of the year, and what a great choice to end on. I had never heard of this book and found it at an amazing sale in Malaysia. Gold.
Megan Bettencourt explores forgiveness through a variety of lenses– within marriages, from children to parents, in war zones and inner city schools, through science, and in spiritual practices. She meets with a Rwandan priest who adopted the children of his mother’s killer, a recovering alcoholic who turned into a leader in advice-giving around Phoenix, Israeli and Palestinian girls who learn how to befriend “the other side” at a San Francisco camp, and the father of a shooting victim in San Diego who works with his the family of his son’s killer to prevent gun violence. I remember attending that program as a kid.
This book had such a good blend of rich information, truthful insight, and powerful stories- all presented clearly and sharply. I loved it.
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
December 11, 2018
“When you trust people, they often disappoint you, but that doesn’t mean love is hopeless.”
*
This book delves into the science & research (vs a lot of books on forgiveness that are primarily religious) of the benefits of forgiveness, as well as the true, remarkable stories of people who’ve forgiven atrocities — their son’s murderer, their own rapist, etc. Of course, many of the stories are more everyday — The author Megan begins at a place where she’s unable to forgive an ex. I especially found Megan’s definition of forgiveness helpful — thinking about it as just a letting go of resentment to find a sense of peace and freedom — a letting go that doesn’t necessarily require reconciliation or excusing damaging behavior or foregoing legal justice. In the end the book went beyond just forgiveness to make me think about how I wanted to think, how I wanted to live.
*
This book delves into the science & research (vs a lot of books on forgiveness that are primarily religious) of the benefits of forgiveness, as well as the true, remarkable stories of people who’ve forgiven atrocities — their son’s murderer, their own rapist, etc. Of course, many of the stories are more everyday — The author Megan begins at a place where she’s unable to forgive an ex. I especially found Megan’s definition of forgiveness helpful — thinking about it as just a letting go of resentment to find a sense of peace and freedom — a letting go that doesn’t necessarily require reconciliation or excusing damaging behavior or foregoing legal justice. In the end the book went beyond just forgiveness to make me think about how I wanted to think, how I wanted to live.
July 31, 2022
Gandhi called forgiveness “the ornament of the brave”. After reading this book, I am more confident that “forgiveness” is a process more than a noun, or a resting place. Megan Bettencourt separates the question of reconciliation from forgiveness..and asks us to look at the stories and science of relinquishing bitterness.
She begins with the most emotionally charged story of Azim Khamisa. A man who came to America and succeeded in spectacular fashion as a consultant and family man. His son was murdered by a gang member in a senseless crime. Azim’s resolve to keep his heart open, forgive the killer, and ultimately work to reduce violence in a SoCal neighborhood is the work of a person at their most giving.
She writes “An apology is a gunshot at the start of the race”. Whether we are the victim or the victimizer and as we seek betterment from trauma: parental wounds, infidelity, senseless violence or racial trauma”. And at times we will play both roles. Bettencourt does a great job at looking at the science and survey research of gratitude. She also recounts her own experience with a failed relationship (from a darkly comical improv scene of all places) and the barriers toward moving forward into forgiveness.
She ends the book with the grizzly but necessary discussion of the Tulsi and Hutu conflict that lead to millions being killed in Rwanda. Inaction from the UN and the US are recognized as contributing factors toward the hellish violence unleashed from this violence. This is truly heavy. We confront the strengths and weaknesses of systems that require marginalized persons to deal with PTSD and continue safety for their lives. Forgiveness remains a possible path, even in this brutality. The restorative justice work to end generational conflict and the wounds of war is being utilized to confront trauma and bring some sense of justice.. The unimaginable becomes something that can only be answered with community and a shared sense of humanity.
May 27, 2019
Absolutely loving this book. It's about forgiveness from a largely secular perspective. The author is upset that a relationship didn't work out between her and a boyfriend who didn't want to have children. How many of us get stuck in bitterness and resentment over small matters whereas others can be so resilient after greater tragedies? Sometimes the larger point proves the smaller point and we can learn by standing on the shoulders of giants. This is a wonderful contribution with plenty of nuance and little judgement to the idea of forgiveness and the many definitions of and paths to peace in the face of disappointment and tragedy.
September 16, 2017
I had the pleasure of hearing this author speak at my local independent bookstore. I was so intrigued by the idea of the human spirit being able to forgive its aggressors in such dire circumstances. I found the story telling sincere and beautiful. I did have a wee challenge with the author comparing her need to forgive with those in her book but appreciated that without that stimulus this book would not have been written and what a loss that would be.
May 16, 2021
I need to preface my review with the statement that I do not like self help books. This book did actually have an idea that meant something to me. Holding onto anger and ill feelings destroys one. It so much more than agreeing to disagree, but rather keeping the relationship alive and thereby setting one free.
September 22, 2017
Fantastic book on forgiveness and letting go, with excellent therapeutic activities indexed in the back. I plan to buy this, it was so useful.
October 1, 2020
This book simply broke my heart! Heartbreaking! But in the same time, healing and soothing...
February 1, 2019
I cannot say enough great things about this novel. I enjoyed it from start to finish. Every story gave me a new perspective and I found myself taking a break after a few pages just to take it all in; because your connection to the stories can be a lot on your emotions, more than I ever expected. After reading only a few pages, I knew I was in for something special and I am so glad the rest of the book did not disappoint. I can honestly say reading this has changed me for the better and recommend it to everyone I know.
July 10, 2015
The edition I read was and Advanced Reader's Copy from a GoodReads giveaway. It is a 282 page paperback version of the book.
I am fascinated with the concept of forgiveness. Megan Feldman Bettencourt has written a well-researched exploration of forgiveness that includes studies and comments by professionals who have explored the concept. It also includes many actual accountings of people and their abilities to forgive in circumstances that appear unforgiveable.
The book struck chords with me on many levels. I am shocked at the number of sticky-notes that I placed while reading this book. I will just comment on the first three notes that I placed because I am sure that other readers will be attracted to different facts and experiences in the book.
After Mayra Nunez lost her brother in a drive-by shooting, she commented that she was ". . . tired of living with hatred, anger, and (a desire for) revenge." She didn't feel that forgivenes condoned the act or the offender. Forgiveness for her was a gift she could give herself." (p. 13)
Azim, who lost his son, learned to relinquish the anger and resentment he felt toward the killer when he realized that his perception as a victim could potentially ruin his future. Azim's ability to forgive allowed him to become a positive influence in the lives of many. (p. 15)
The author, Megan Feldman Bettencourt, compared forgiveness to Buddhism when she explained that ". . . it teaches that every action has a consequence, and that aggression and hate are born of suffering and only cause more suffering), the Buddhist tenets of detachment (accepting reality as it is instead of wishing it were diffferent), non-judgment. . . and compassion are in many ways a map to forgiveness." (p. 150)
Reading through these items that I marked while reading make me want to read through all of the passages I marked again. I suspect that this is a book that can be read many times and that lessons can be learned on many levels.
I highly recommend this well-written exploration of forgiveness.
I am fascinated with the concept of forgiveness. Megan Feldman Bettencourt has written a well-researched exploration of forgiveness that includes studies and comments by professionals who have explored the concept. It also includes many actual accountings of people and their abilities to forgive in circumstances that appear unforgiveable.
The book struck chords with me on many levels. I am shocked at the number of sticky-notes that I placed while reading this book. I will just comment on the first three notes that I placed because I am sure that other readers will be attracted to different facts and experiences in the book.
After Mayra Nunez lost her brother in a drive-by shooting, she commented that she was ". . . tired of living with hatred, anger, and (a desire for) revenge." She didn't feel that forgivenes condoned the act or the offender. Forgiveness for her was a gift she could give herself." (p. 13)
Azim, who lost his son, learned to relinquish the anger and resentment he felt toward the killer when he realized that his perception as a victim could potentially ruin his future. Azim's ability to forgive allowed him to become a positive influence in the lives of many. (p. 15)
The author, Megan Feldman Bettencourt, compared forgiveness to Buddhism when she explained that ". . . it teaches that every action has a consequence, and that aggression and hate are born of suffering and only cause more suffering), the Buddhist tenets of detachment (accepting reality as it is instead of wishing it were diffferent), non-judgment. . . and compassion are in many ways a map to forgiveness." (p. 150)
Reading through these items that I marked while reading make me want to read through all of the passages I marked again. I suspect that this is a book that can be read many times and that lessons can be learned on many levels.
I highly recommend this well-written exploration of forgiveness.
December 13, 2015
Reading this book was like having a bazillion light bulbs go off. Her definition of forgiveness, with her substantiating "evidence," was a breath of fresh air. We are taught to forgive and forget. The problem with that thinking is that the person doing the forgiving is usually perpetually abused by those closest to them. Forgiveness is not forgetting. It is setting healthy personal boundaries so as not to be used all the time. We are taught that we need to get along with the person we need to forgive. Forgiveness is not reconciliation. It is an attitude where malice, anger, revenge are rooted out of the heart and the animosity is gone. That doesn't mean we "have to invite them over for Thanksgiving dinner."
The relationship a forgiver has with a perpetrator is completely up to them. It is different for everyone. NO ONE can dictate whether someone else has forgiven. Only that person knows. Anyone who tries to push another into forgiveness is a bully.
This book of mine has been marked up, bookmarked and will get read again and probably marked up more and bookmarked some more. It is worthy of a first read and a second...and a third...
The relationship a forgiver has with a perpetrator is completely up to them. It is different for everyone. NO ONE can dictate whether someone else has forgiven. Only that person knows. Anyone who tries to push another into forgiveness is a bully.
This book of mine has been marked up, bookmarked and will get read again and probably marked up more and bookmarked some more. It is worthy of a first read and a second...and a third...
August 11, 2015
“When anger hardens, it become dangerous.” Those words by Megan Feldman Bettencourt sum up the premise of her book “Triumph of the Heart Forgiveness in an Unforgiving World” in which she set out on a global journey to discover what forgiveness is and also how it works. Inspired in part by personal challenges in her own life, Megan describes in detail the stories of people who have been able to forgive those who have done terrible things and how they were able to move on in their lives. It is a very inspiring book and provides a road map for all of us to move on in our lives and eliminate grudges. Highly recommended.
I spoke with Megan Feldman Bettencourt about the book and that conversation can be heard here: http://dougmilesmedia.com/?p=1710.
I spoke with Megan Feldman Bettencourt about the book and that conversation can be heard here: http://dougmilesmedia.com/?p=1710.
April 3, 2016
I read this book for a book club and thought I was not going to like it (I am usually not into books that I categorize as self help) but the author's stories pulled me in. It is hard to image the ability to forgive in some of these situations and when you read this, you realize these are some truly amazing people who realized that forgiveness was the path to feeling better. A high recommend if you are in a place where you feel you cannot forgive someone for the wrong they did to you or others.
September 30, 2015
A little on the fluffy side for me, but otherwise a nice read on an important topic. Chantal's story of forgiveness in Rwanda was especially inspiring.
Takeaway points: Forgiveness is often a process, not a one-time thing; it's more about letting go of resentment and is therefore distinct from reconciliation or condoning something; it's actually a mark of strength rather than weakness; and restorative justice systems are more effective than strictly punitive ones.
Takeaway points: Forgiveness is often a process, not a one-time thing; it's more about letting go of resentment and is therefore distinct from reconciliation or condoning something; it's actually a mark of strength rather than weakness; and restorative justice systems are more effective than strictly punitive ones.
June 5, 2015
I won a copy of this on goodread's getaway, first reads.
I have to say this book was very thoughtful. I read this in one
setting :) and I really like the book. The book is about mini short stories of healing and advice.
I enjoyed them all. :)
I have to say this book was very thoughtful. I read this in one
setting :) and I really like the book. The book is about mini short stories of healing and advice.
I enjoyed them all. :)
September 4, 2015
I want to share this book with my patients, family and friends. Megan's journey of forgiveness is powerful and beautifully written. It makes me want to be a better person. I highly recommend-everyone can get something from this book.
September 1, 2016
A very good take on the power of forgiveness. Good storytelling too. This will empower you. One quirk though, forgiveness is a Judeo-Christian value which I felt she went out of her way to not embrace. I found that humorous and sad.
November 13, 2015
very moving and inspirational book.
August 13, 2016
The power of forgiveness is tremendous and greatly healing. Excellent book.
Displaying 1 - 21 of 21 reviews