George Washington Is Cash Money: A No-Bullshit Guide to the United Myths of America

by Cory O'Brien, Soren Melville (Illustrations)

PREPARE TO BE BEAKED BY THE MAJESTIC EAGLE OF HISTORY 

Most of us are familiar with the greatest hits and legendary heroes of US history. In George Washington Is Cash Money , Cory O’Brien, author of Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes , does away with the pomp and circumstance and calls America’s history what it one long, violent soap opera. In his signature clever, crude, and cuss-ridden style, O’Brien reminds us
 
· Teddy Roosevelt stopped bullets with his manly chest
· Harriet Tubman avoided danger by having prophetic seizures.
· Joseph Smith invented Mormonism by staring into a hat full of rocks.
· Billy the Kid was finally defeated by the smell of fresh bacon.
 
And there’s plenty more Star Spangled stupidity where that came from.

Genres: History, Nonfiction, Humor, Mythology, Comedy, Historical, Short Stories

237 pages, Paperback

First published May 12, 2015

About the author

Cory O’Brien is the author of Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes and George Washington Is Cash Money. He has written for numerous award-winning video games, including Monster Prom and Holovista, and designed multiple tabletop games, including Inhuman Conditions and Hand to Hand Wombat. He lives in Chicago.

Reviews

[Melki · Rating 4 out of 5]

Cory's at it again. Like those old guys who hang out at diners and doughnut shops, he's ranting and raving about things that happened long ago and can't be changed.
He has opinions on EVERYTHING.

Ben Franklin:

Ben gets born in Boston around 1706
which means he had exactly seventy years
to become enough of a ruckus-causer
to spark off the American Revolution.
Yeah
imagine your granddad banging hookers in France
while simultaneously negotiating military treaties
and maybe you'll understand why I like this guy.

The Trail of Tears:

The Cherokees have busted their asses for YEARS
to make white people like them
they have taken up farming
slave-owning
speaking English
wearing stupid bow ties
all the hallmarks of true civilization
and they rightly expect that as a result of this
they will be treated by the Europeans
the same way the Europeans treat each other.
The problem here
is that the Cherokee do not know European history.

He vaguely remembers the Alamo:

So Mexico owns Texas
and Texas is full of Americans
but it's okay
because up to this point, Mexico has been pretty chill
what with having a federal government and all
but then Mexico's like "Wait a second...
you know what's better than a federal government?
A TOTALITARIAN DICTATORSHIP.
WOOOOO."
And Texas is like "Oh no you di-int."

Custer's Last Stand:

Because here's the thing
after Custer dies
America is like "OH SHIT, PATRIOTISM'
and they fund the hell out of the army
which proceeds to wipe the floor with the Lakota
by systematically denying them food
so about half of them join reservations
and the other half (led by Sitting Bull)
move to Canada
thus continuing the time-honored American tradition
of moving to Canada every time something sucks.

And purely American myths like Elvis, John Henry and Pecos Bill:

So Pecos Bill jumps on that tornado
pushes it to the ground
jumps on its...back?
and is like "Giddy up, you son of a bitch."
So the tornado
obviously
is like "FIGGITY FUCK NO."
This is not just me injecting swears into mythology
(for once)
the tornado seriously starts cursing.
Bill has pissed off this force of nature SO MUCH
it has miraculously gained the power of speech
and it is using it to say "fuck" a lot.

This was not quite as hilarious as Cory's first mythological go-round, Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes: A No-Bullshit Guide to World Mythology, though perhaps I'm just overly familiar with the subject matter in this book. All the same, it's a joy to hear him expound on our nation's unique and occasionally shady history. For instance, did you know that this -
- almost happened?

Happy Independence Day!

[Lindsay (I'm on StoryGraph) · Rating 5 out of 5]

The writing is questionable, but the morals are hilarious. Each chapter is very short and on a different topic of American history. At the end of each chapter it is summarized in a one sentence moral. I felt horrible laughing at parts because this book covers a lot of dark things in America's past for example:

Chapter title: The Trail of Tears is not the Name of a Linkin Park Album

[Kacee Eddinger · Rating 5 out of 5]

O'Brien is hilarious while maintaining a line between his hyperbole and fact. History fans will (probably) enjoy.

[Laura · Rating 4 out of 5]

Reading aloud to my husband, we are finding humorous!

[Lori Schiele · Rating 4 out of 5]

I first discovered Cory O'Brien when I read "Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes: A No-Bullshit Guide to World Mythology" and absolutely loved it, so when I discovered he had written another book, I grabbed it.
I am a little embarrassed to admit that I actually knew more of the tales in the world mythology book than I did in this one about the United States, considering I live there and have taken History courses every year until I graduated from high school. (Perhaps if the teachers used O'Brien's books, there would be more teenagers willing to open their textbooks. But then, getting a book that contains curse words, not only throughout the book, but actually *in* the title past the school board... Yeh, good luck with that.)
Anyway...
I did find the author's choices rather interesting. Some of them were not exactly history, but were not entirely myth either. And then there were the very atypical tales--ones not necessarily told from the winner's perspective (which is who tends to write the history books anyway, right?)
The first chapter tells a version of the Cherokee "Creation story" (after all, who are the *real* Native Americans?) followed by the (hopefully well-known by now) "truth" about Christopher Columbus and what an idiot he was and how he "discovered" North America...
Other tales are about the Roanoke Colony, the Salem Witch Trials, the Declaration of Independence, and misc presidents, along with Lewis and Clark, the Trail of Tears, and the Alamo, then O'Brien randomly tosses in tales about Rip Van Winkle, Paul Bunyan, Johnny Appleseed, Bre'r Rabbit, Roswell and, of course, Elvis(!).
Back to actual U.S. history, he discusses important people like Thomas Edison, Harriet Tubman, Martin Luther King--then shifts off track again to delve into tales about Al Capone, H.H. Holmes, and Marilyn Monroe.
To be honest, I'm not quite sure how the author chose the topics he wrote about (unless he has a massive case of A.D.D.), but he actually taught me a number of things I didn't know about U.S. history and mythology (he didn't tell you which was which--or if they are all history, or if they are all myth--but he did it in such a fashion that held my attention better than any history teacher ever had before.)

So, if you're interested in U.S history/mythology (and have a sense of humor), I think you'll enjoy this book. And even if you don't care about U.S. History per se, I still think you'll enjoy this book and might even learn something from it. As long as you're willing to just go along for the ride, I think you'll have a grand ole time. I know that I did.

[Stay Fetters · Rating 4 out of 5]

"Because now children all over Massachusetts start flipping the literal hell out all screaming, yelling, crawling under furniture. You know The kind of dumb shit kids do and when everyone is like stop being Shitty! They're like we can't because witches."

Have you ever seen Drunk History on Comedy Central? If not, I suggest that you drop everything right now and watch. This is drunk history in book form and it is hilarious. I don't think that I have ever laughed so hard at the twisted knowledge that is shared between these pages.

What caught my attention was the cover and the title. My husband will forever be known As Cash Money and I'm so sure that he'll be psyched to know that. Ah! Sarcasm!

And if what I said above wasn't enough to make you read this, I'm going to tell you some of the chapter titles that might change your mind:
They all laughed at Christopher Columbus Because he was dumb.
Tea is for wankers.
Benjamin Franklin is the god of lightning.
Alexander Hamilton is a straight up G.
And now my personal favorite.....
Billy the kid loves bacon, Killing people.

I will admit that some of these chapters are way out there. If you are one that is hurt by everything and can't take a joke, then I suggest you grow a pair and read this anyway. It will lighten the mood and make you find the hilariousness that is history.
You also find some chin stroking pondering facts about history. Who knew that people called Ben Franklin Big Dick? That Christoper Columbus could have been a chippendales dancer? And that they wanted you to forget about the tea and drink 40s.

I really enjoyed this book and it makes you wish that this is how they teach everything in school. I know that I would have been more willing to show up and actually pay attention. I've learned a lot of interesting things along the way and history will never be the same.

And the moral of the story is that all children are assholes and is that if an apple tree falls in the forest and there's no one around to hear it who gives a shit!!?

[C.C. · Rating 4 out of 5]

Now if all my American History courses had been taught like this, I would have enjoyed them a lot more. Note: US History was my least favorite school subject.

And yet, I enjoyed reading about it all again here in this no-bullshit way. But while some of the writing made me smile or chuckle, I didn't have any laugh out loud moments like I did with O'Brien's previous book, which is why this is just shy of getting a 5-star rating from me. (Also there were one or two chapters repeated from the first book which felt a bit like a cheat to me)

I am disappointed this book stopped at Kennedy. I'd love to have read O'Brien's take on Watergate, the myth of Reagan (aka what all the current Republicans think he was), and the Clinton scandal. Maybe next time.

American History has a lot of myths and I'd definitely recommend this to, well, everyone since it gives you quite a bit to think about in how we present our history and what we believe happened. And in a fun and amusing way to boot!

[Valerie · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book reads like you heard that Mae Borowski knows about US history, so you got her to tutor your kid. Then, Mae tried very hard, bless her heart, but doesn't actually know how to write a proper paper, or use punctuation, or give sources, or any of that good stuff that school wants to make sure you can accomplish.
It's sort of charming, in its way, but about as deep & interesting as some creepy high-schooler who listened to Hamilton because he heard the hot cheerleader likes history.
A quick read, don't complain if you receive it as a gift, but if you're actually aiming to pursue information then grab something else.

[Miss Susan · Rating 4 out of 5]

i am very glad this exists and seriously considering writing something similar for canadian history. i know we don't quite hit the great height of lulz of american history but one of our best known prime ministers held seances with his dead dog, i feel like i should be able to get at least a chapter out of that. also there was that one time we burned down the white house so. just gotta figure out the perfect title

4 stars

[May · Rating 4 out of 5]

Irreverent, crude, creative, and utterly hilarious. Obviously everything in here's not entirely true, but it's a fun read if you enjoy U.S. history!

[Maria · Rating 4 out of 5]

ahh, brilliantly offensive.

[Raechel · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm a big fan of Cory O'Brien's other book, Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes: A No-Bullshit Guide to World Mythology, which is full of myths re-told in O'Brien's hilarious, simplistic, curse-fueled style. George Washington is Cash Money is O'Brien's take on the US "myths", from a Cherokee creation story, to famous events and people throughout US history, told in the same style as his other book. It's a fantastic way to learn about little events in history told in a very funny and simplistic way. It reminds me a lot of Comedy Central's Drunk History (I watched seasons 1 and 2 over the same weekend I read this book), so if you like that you'll like this.

My only real complaint is that I didn't find this book as funny as Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes. but I think that's because of the material that O'Brien has to work with is slightly more tame. Mythology is full of really crazy things happening. History...also is full of crazy things happening, but not quite to the same extend. It's still a super fun book that is a quick read.

[Gene Jerail · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've never read an honest-to-God American History textbook and as a naturalized American citizen, I have been neglecting the honor of reading through America's glorious past. However, to it's utter disappointment, I had to grab Cory O'Brien's version and believe you me, if you're looking for an accurate retelling of American history, you're barking up the wrong tree, my friend. This book is so refreshingly funny as most historical books are so dry. Did anyone just stop and think just how absurd the American History really was? In his book, Cory takes it up a notch, like a gazillion notches, and retells the history like how college jock would retell Macbeth in his own crude, yet hilarious way. If you don't enjoy profanity, steer clear of this book. If you think profanity adds to the flavor, then by all means, enjoy.

[Scott Martin · Rating 3 out of 5]

(3.5 stars) (Audiobook) This work is if a frat-boy looked to translate a college history assignment so that his frat bros could at least get a "C" on the history exam. There is plenty of engaging talk on the subject and for the most part, the information is factual and would also said frat bros to pass. It is completely accurate...no. However, the point of this work is to engage the reader and be entertaining. It fulfills that requirement. Could it be better historically? Sure. However, for what it is, the integration of factual and literary works to offer a rounded picture of American history is worth the effort. Given what is going on in many of our schools, perhaps this is no worse that what is offered in many a school now. The rating is higher for audiobook (bonus for author narrating his own work).

[Carolyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is a highly entertaining - at times absolutely hilarious - read. As someone who possesses a History degree and continues to study in the field, I did notice several clear inaccuracies, but I was more than willing to overlook these in the spirit of the novel. This collection of amusing observations is often incisive, nearly always witty, and flawlessly entertaining. I often found myself literally laughing aloud, especially throughout the chapters on George Washington, Alexander Hamilton, Benjamin Franklin, and JFK. Most definitely a worthwhile and hilarious read!

[Nicole Winget · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is ridiculous. There was more than point where I thought “what the hell am I reading?”

But therein lies its brilliance....it takes dark, complicated, Us History and tells it in a way that connects with modern culture and hammers home it’s point (which is made crystal clear in the conclusion) that we turn history into mythology.

I am not sure it will stand the test of time (so many current lingo and culture references) but it is well worth the read today.

And man, we’ve had a lot of jerks in our history. 😂😂😂

[Carrie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I thoroughly enjoyed the lighthearted nonsense with which these stories were told. The obscenities might catch some people off guard, but it's just enough to keep it entertaining, while still being educational. Each chapter was only a few minutes long, and O'Brien covers a lot of ground, although some of the myths are about fictional historical American characters, so yeah..duh..of course they're "myths". He almost lost me when he suggested the moon landing was fake, but he didn't lose me enough to take my review down to 4 stars.

[Ty Noel · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you’re looking for a full on non-sense masterpiece of American history, I highly recommend this book. O’Brien’s tone and re-telling of historical events and folk lore of the United States will have you laughing your way through a book that’s difficult to put down. Between this and his other book Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes, I can’t wait to see what he has in store next for his readers.

[Kourinthia · Rating 5 out of 5]

Reading the tales of the Founding Fathers as told by O'Brien makes me wish I like American History more. They are hilarious, baudy, and unbelievable. Even the stories that were familiar were told in such a way I couldn't help but enjoy them.

My mom is a huge American History buff, but.... I won't be lending her this book.

[Cyndi · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've been following Cory since his 'Myths Retold' blog & he has an amazing talent for turning stories into hilarious bits of millennial-speak (but don't worry, every generation can enjoy it). His book is no different. Be prepared to laugh so hard that you fall out of your seat!

[Shawn · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was amazing! It was just a great as his first book. I hate mythology, it never interested me. Cory O Brien made me fall in love with mythology. I just wish he had more books. I love his style and sense of humor.

[B. · Rating 2 out of 5]

Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes was funnier. Granted, that book got tiresome too, but this one seemed worse. It started out tired and went down hill from there. Some mild chuckles, but overall, not what I was hoping for.

[Kendall Kieras · Rating 3 out of 5]

*3.5*

[Kendra · Rating 3 out of 5]

I love Cory O'Brien's retellings and the voice in which he tells the stories is so witty.

[Summer Seeds · Rating 5 out of 5]

Does anyone else watch that show Drunk History? Because this book reads just like Drunk History. It is absolutely hilarious. I definitely recommend.

[Hawksinger · Rating 5 out of 5]

Awesome!

I found this book hilarious, and told in the style of an excited person talking, and memorable because of that unique style of writing.

[Anna · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm a little bit obsessed with this book. It reads like an episode of drunk history, and it's laugh out loud hilarious. More people need this in their lives.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

So, so good.

[Savanna Rhodes · Rating 3 out of 5]

Possibly closer to 3.5 stars. This really worked for me back when I first got it but I think some of the syntax and humor is a little dated now.

[Jacob Toney · Rating 4 out of 5]

Witty, irreverent, educational, and downright hilarious