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Buddhism for Couples: A Calm Approach to Relationships
Learn Buddhist principles that can help enrich your romantic life, your life in general, and the lives of those around you.
Surely a happy marriage for a normally adjusted couple is a simple matter of give-and-take—some patience, tolerance, and just trying to be cheerful as often as possible. There is no shortage of books providing relationship advice that can help us with these matters. But Buddhist teachings address more than just surface knowledge, and guide us to delve deeper into our psyches.
With an emphasis on self-compassion, Buddhism for Couples explains how to apply Buddhist teachings to your relationships to patch things up, hold things together, and, even on good days, scale the heights of relationship happiness. Written for both men and women, this book tackles the loaded subjects of housework, anger, sex, conflict, and infidelity, and introduces Buddhist strategies that can enrich a relationship.
Humorous and informative, Buddhism for Couples provides a fresh approach to living as a couple, persuading us to leave behind stale, habitual ways of relating that don’t work.
Surely a happy marriage for a normally adjusted couple is a simple matter of give-and-take—some patience, tolerance, and just trying to be cheerful as often as possible. There is no shortage of books providing relationship advice that can help us with these matters. But Buddhist teachings address more than just surface knowledge, and guide us to delve deeper into our psyches.
With an emphasis on self-compassion, Buddhism for Couples explains how to apply Buddhist teachings to your relationships to patch things up, hold things together, and, even on good days, scale the heights of relationship happiness. Written for both men and women, this book tackles the loaded subjects of housework, anger, sex, conflict, and infidelity, and introduces Buddhist strategies that can enrich a relationship.
Humorous and informative, Buddhism for Couples provides a fresh approach to living as a couple, persuading us to leave behind stale, habitual ways of relating that don’t work.
272 pages, Paperback
First published September 1, 2014
38 people are currently reading
226 people want to read
About the author
Sarah Napthali
17 books68 followersSarah Napthali is a mother of two young boys who tries to apply Buddhist teachings in her daily life. Her working life has ranged from teaching English as a Second Language and corporate training, to human rights activism and interpreting. Since becoming a mother she has focussed on writing, initially for companies and later for individuals wanting to record their memoirs. With seven memoirs completed, she is also the author of Buddhism for Mothers (Allen & Unwin, 2003) which has sold 54,000 copies around the world and been translated into eight languages to date. Since the children started school, Sarah is very pleased to report that she manages to meditate daily.
from http://www.allenandunwin.com/default....
from http://www.allenandunwin.com/default....
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Displaying 1 - 24 of 24 reviews
March 26, 2017
A brilliant book. I took the time to highlight important passages this time. In complete honesty - This has made me a better partner and being in a relationship easier. I wholeheartedly reccomend it - particularly to women.
January 8, 2016
This was an excellent book. If you are not a Buddhist or are unfamiliar with the concepts and terms, do not let the title dissuade you. This book provides an excellent overview of so many aspects of a long-term romantic relationship that could be improved upon, inspired by Buddhist teachings. It gave me so many important points to consider and practical strategies to begin to work through them. It also includes a lot of tips for general self-awareness and interaction with others. Very well-written and I appreciate the openness the author displayed about her own life and relationship difficulties. Couldn't recommend it more!
November 9, 2015
What I enjoyed most about this book is the author's ability to share her personal story, and that story is not perfect or romanticized. The big takeaway is that, nobody has a perfect happy-always relationship, but there are ways you can be more mindful in all areas of your life. Communicating is important, but a lot of it is letting go of your own attachments to a particular ideal or goal. Good read
August 14, 2016
Highly recommended this to all my friends, single and coupled, because it imparts wisdom that we can all use in our relationships and friendships. A great read.
December 1, 2015
Notes: very helpful.
Buddhist foundation: give up attachments inc unhelpful thoughts
Noble Eightfold path
Skilled speech livelihood mindfulness etc
for peace
negativity bias needed when predators, no longer. Cycling thoughts about spouse.
ruminate on flaws, overlook qualities
Compassion for self, so not turn into more of a doormat
May he be at ease
Accept thoughts and fears will arise, but to experience and not convert to anger or depression and not empower them.
Impermanence of course feelings, actions will change
Romantic love based on fantasy vs true affection
Passion, intimacy, commitment
Companionate love - stable instead of always the one
This too will pass.
Change habitual ways of thinking, reacting, perceiving
Change expectations to preferences
Disclose judiciously
Demand-withdraw ineffective depressing communication pattern.
Complete on own
Needs to be mutual caring, but see self- as whole, self-compassion.
dukka canend
don’t keep score
CUltivate connections to others, self-validate
This is not me, this is not mine this is not myself.
Don’t judge own thoughts or others. Consumes emotional energy
Most suffering self created.
Pain is inevitable, suffering optional. Second arrow.
Neg attributions, unhelpful beliefs.
Conflict ok - discuss
Handle comments in way to diffuse the situation..
Counselors reflect feelings
Successful relationships promote each other.
10 great qualities
===
Anger like fire:
Thich Nhat Hanh: put out the fire first, discuss later when calm.
We need to be very careful to contain its spread and its potential for harm.
Inner bully
My imagination can be a tough (rough) neighborhood
Aleksander Sozhenitsyn: “If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being.”
Give benefit of the doubt?
Venting keeps anger alve
John Gottman: couples who express anger stay together, but not those who expressed with criticism, contempt or defensiveness.
Does this interpretation enhance the relationship or maintain stress?
Karma sanskrit action… the intention is critical
Every time we act with bad intentions we increase the likelihood we’ll do it again because every act plant seeds in our mind that will sprout with appropriate conditions. In neuroscience, the buzzword is “plasticity” whereby the more we activate a particular neural pathway, the stronger it becomes and the more likely it is that we will reactivate it again in the future.
We end up with some well-worn pathways in our brains because those are the pathways we have reinforced.
What are some of the costs of anger in my household? Withholding of information? White lies? Less goodwill?
Do I habitually interpret my partner’s behaviors in ways that enhance my partner’s behaviors in ways that enhance the relationship or ones that cause me distress?
For me:
Don’t speak when anger is at its peak. Calm down, mindfulness of the breath or body (or outdoor walk, exercise) before taking action.
Don’t fall for the myth of “venting.”
If strategy does not work, change it. Marge Simpson reading book “Nagging Your Way to Ecstasy.”
Humility ground -- grounded not meek but breeds confidence.
Ask do fair share
Express in compassion you can understand their viewpoint without agreeing with it.
Tongue an ax in our mouths.
Discuss:
one problem at a time.
Focus on examples of behavior not individual flaws.
How what makes you feel.
Avoid always, never, criticizing
Dwell on future, not past: how will things be different?
Look at how you can improve, your responsibility in situation.
If heating up, call for adjournment.
Don’t hitch contentment to conditions.
Not a victim, not controlled by circumstances, by “what happens to me.”
Realize 2nd arrow: much suffering self-inflicted by not-mindful chosen reaction.
Let know how you feel...but work to lose attachment to desired result.
Instead of recognition and love from others, meditate for awareness,, appreciation of life and self-acceptance and self-love.
Bad thoughts allow them to unfurl, label, float away.
Yes have goals - intentions...rather than expectations.
Body awareness.
Can control REACTIONS to them, and the more constructive/positive, the more I can see my way clear to resolution and a better life going forward.
(this book clarifies, illuminates insights I had or gained from books read before)
---------
You 2.0
Is doing this… helping me or the situation?
Your behaviors, not you, are the cause of failure.
What could be the real consequences of what you fear will happen? Our minds tend to cue the worst-case scenario, what psychologists call "awfulizing." But even shaky startups and broken hearts can be remedied.
Say you're tired of being the shy one and are ready to reach out. But you've always called yourself bashful and all of your friends and family members treat you accordingly. "It creates a rigidity that keeps you from moving forward," says Nando Pelusi, a clinical psychologist based in New York City. If you act in a new way, after all, you may seem phony. But Pelusi would call that progress: What seems inauthentic at first could inch you closer to your true self.
"If people close to you don't like you now that you're happier, then you have to ask yourself if they're good people to have in your life."
"Should I stay or should I go?" scenario can bring on headaches or even paralysis. Lubetkin recommends that you write down the pros and cons of each situation and then weight them numerically, according to how important they are to you. But then you must also factor in the more subjective "gut" feelings. Flip a coin in order to hypothetically decide your fate, then take note of how you react to the outcome.
"If I had to stay in this job or relationship, what would I want to change about it and what would I want to keep?"
The image may prime you to act, but taking the first steps will still be difficult. It's easy to tell your mother, "Can you believe he got drunk on my birthday?" But it's hard to say to him, "We're done. Don't ever call me again." Make it easier by thinking through the small consequences first. For instance, you can rehearse what you'll say to your friends when you ask them to set you up on dates.
Once you start realizing your fantasy, keep altering it to match reality. Otherwise, the vision could remain dangerously intangible. If your mind has a cliched montage of the rock star's life on a loop, it can't effectively measure incremental progress in your guitar career.
Prepare yourself by imagining scenes full of misgivings, too. "In the last two weeks of your job," says Sills, "all of a sudden you'll fall in love with all of those coworkers who annoyed you." Change equals loss, but if you don't have a series of things you've walked away from, adds Lubetkin, you're probably not leading a rich life.
break your abstract idea of "being healthy" into the concrete daily choices—such as reaching for an apple instead of a Snickers—that will eventually make you so. Self-starter.
longer married, poorer mindreading
not as attentive
Namaste i bow to the divine in you
See your partner as a mystery worthy of curiosity
Sex focus on present. Breeds intimacy. Ocytocin for men.
Fantasies are illusions, eventually got my mind back.
“just do it” approach to sex; this section is aimed squarely at women, but what about those of us who have desires and willingness (to say the least) whose husbands don’t want to “just do it” with us b/c they say they find other women more attractive? This is not addressed. The book’s weak in the sex dept.
Also, re: the complaints -- the author’s examples are picayune (like how to load the dishwasher) compared to major conflicts like flirting, cheating, deceiving, lying (from cheating and affairs to gambling -- super-destructive behaviors).
Longer married - we presume to know all, often view partner as a fixed object and fail to notice new information. Aim to be open, present and curious about our partner. Then can engage.
3 hungers include sensual - to remove feelings of loneliness or lack of fulfillment.
Don’t soak up others’ moods
And warn if yours is bad/not them.
Equanimity - nonattachment-type love, kindness
Not one, not two
Jewels interconnected, reflect others but not the or fused
Second Noble Truth desire is the cause of suffering
Why cling to destructive emotions
Also reevaluate your interpretation of a behavior or words.
Respond with accommodation: compassion and constructive, letter
We can either try to remove all the thorns from the surface of the entire world, or wear shoes.
Healthy marriages have conflicts, it’s how they are addressed and resolved.
let go of having to be right
Surrender
Grudges kill desire
Stop wanting to win arguments or be right.
Forgiveness: a process with stages.
May you be well. May you be free from suffering.
Compassion for childhood upbringing-related problems.
Three Mental Torments: greed, anger, delusion
Tendency to teflon the positive and velcro the negative.
Shit-collecting
Water the seeds of joy in our minds and those we live with - Ninh Thach Thich Nhat Hanh
5:1 ratio
Savor the experience 20 sec, implant the good memory, imagine absorbing it.
Actively cultivate emotions that bring contentment.
Memory is reconstructive, says neuroscientists. We revise memories to suit our current mood or knowledge
Kevin does that to suit justifying his desires and actions...he told me about several memories, such as when he decided he realized he was not attracted to me and that he found me unattractive, when he decided sex with me would always be lousy... in Ocean Pines, which was 23 years before he ever mentioned these observations and decisions of his (so he never discussed or made any effort to resolve them with me, instead deciding that was sufficient for cheating on me while I worked on supporting him financially and morally.
The cards he wrote to me told completely different stories, clearly stating intentions he loved me, we’d be together in our old age, and that I “was the best decision he ever made.”
Mindful listening: pause, absorb
Perceive quit man was onion with layers she wishes he’d peel, but perhaps he’s simply a potato.
Use the 8 Fold Path
Skillful Understanding - vision and lovingkindness
Skillful Thought - right attitude
Skillful Speech - calm, no blamr
Skillful Action - grow food, eco tread lightly
Skillful Livelihood - both value working i ways to contribute positively to the world.
Skillful Effort builds good will
Skillful Mindfulness
Skillful concentration - sex and sleep, breath
Expressing appreciation makes you feel good.
Be more conscious of your own behavior.
====
May all be happy
May all be well
May all feel loved
May all feel safe
Buddhist foundation: give up attachments inc unhelpful thoughts
Noble Eightfold path
Skilled speech livelihood mindfulness etc
for peace
negativity bias needed when predators, no longer. Cycling thoughts about spouse.
ruminate on flaws, overlook qualities
Compassion for self, so not turn into more of a doormat
May he be at ease
Accept thoughts and fears will arise, but to experience and not convert to anger or depression and not empower them.
Impermanence of course feelings, actions will change
Romantic love based on fantasy vs true affection
Passion, intimacy, commitment
Companionate love - stable instead of always the one
This too will pass.
Change habitual ways of thinking, reacting, perceiving
Change expectations to preferences
Disclose judiciously
Demand-withdraw ineffective depressing communication pattern.
Complete on own
Needs to be mutual caring, but see self- as whole, self-compassion.
dukka canend
don’t keep score
CUltivate connections to others, self-validate
This is not me, this is not mine this is not myself.
Don’t judge own thoughts or others. Consumes emotional energy
Most suffering self created.
Pain is inevitable, suffering optional. Second arrow.
Neg attributions, unhelpful beliefs.
Conflict ok - discuss
Handle comments in way to diffuse the situation..
Counselors reflect feelings
Successful relationships promote each other.
10 great qualities
===
Anger like fire:
Thich Nhat Hanh: put out the fire first, discuss later when calm.
We need to be very careful to contain its spread and its potential for harm.
Inner bully
My imagination can be a tough (rough) neighborhood
Aleksander Sozhenitsyn: “If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being.”
Give benefit of the doubt?
Venting keeps anger alve
John Gottman: couples who express anger stay together, but not those who expressed with criticism, contempt or defensiveness.
Does this interpretation enhance the relationship or maintain stress?
Karma sanskrit action… the intention is critical
Every time we act with bad intentions we increase the likelihood we’ll do it again because every act plant seeds in our mind that will sprout with appropriate conditions. In neuroscience, the buzzword is “plasticity” whereby the more we activate a particular neural pathway, the stronger it becomes and the more likely it is that we will reactivate it again in the future.
We end up with some well-worn pathways in our brains because those are the pathways we have reinforced.
What are some of the costs of anger in my household? Withholding of information? White lies? Less goodwill?
Do I habitually interpret my partner’s behaviors in ways that enhance my partner’s behaviors in ways that enhance the relationship or ones that cause me distress?
For me:
Don’t speak when anger is at its peak. Calm down, mindfulness of the breath or body (or outdoor walk, exercise) before taking action.
Don’t fall for the myth of “venting.”
If strategy does not work, change it. Marge Simpson reading book “Nagging Your Way to Ecstasy.”
Humility ground -- grounded not meek but breeds confidence.
Ask do fair share
Express in compassion you can understand their viewpoint without agreeing with it.
Tongue an ax in our mouths.
Discuss:
one problem at a time.
Focus on examples of behavior not individual flaws.
How what makes you feel.
Avoid always, never, criticizing
Dwell on future, not past: how will things be different?
Look at how you can improve, your responsibility in situation.
If heating up, call for adjournment.
Don’t hitch contentment to conditions.
Not a victim, not controlled by circumstances, by “what happens to me.”
Realize 2nd arrow: much suffering self-inflicted by not-mindful chosen reaction.
Let know how you feel...but work to lose attachment to desired result.
Instead of recognition and love from others, meditate for awareness,, appreciation of life and self-acceptance and self-love.
Bad thoughts allow them to unfurl, label, float away.
Yes have goals - intentions...rather than expectations.
Body awareness.
Can control REACTIONS to them, and the more constructive/positive, the more I can see my way clear to resolution and a better life going forward.
(this book clarifies, illuminates insights I had or gained from books read before)
---------
You 2.0
Is doing this… helping me or the situation?
Your behaviors, not you, are the cause of failure.
What could be the real consequences of what you fear will happen? Our minds tend to cue the worst-case scenario, what psychologists call "awfulizing." But even shaky startups and broken hearts can be remedied.
Say you're tired of being the shy one and are ready to reach out. But you've always called yourself bashful and all of your friends and family members treat you accordingly. "It creates a rigidity that keeps you from moving forward," says Nando Pelusi, a clinical psychologist based in New York City. If you act in a new way, after all, you may seem phony. But Pelusi would call that progress: What seems inauthentic at first could inch you closer to your true self.
"If people close to you don't like you now that you're happier, then you have to ask yourself if they're good people to have in your life."
"Should I stay or should I go?" scenario can bring on headaches or even paralysis. Lubetkin recommends that you write down the pros and cons of each situation and then weight them numerically, according to how important they are to you. But then you must also factor in the more subjective "gut" feelings. Flip a coin in order to hypothetically decide your fate, then take note of how you react to the outcome.
"If I had to stay in this job or relationship, what would I want to change about it and what would I want to keep?"
The image may prime you to act, but taking the first steps will still be difficult. It's easy to tell your mother, "Can you believe he got drunk on my birthday?" But it's hard to say to him, "We're done. Don't ever call me again." Make it easier by thinking through the small consequences first. For instance, you can rehearse what you'll say to your friends when you ask them to set you up on dates.
Once you start realizing your fantasy, keep altering it to match reality. Otherwise, the vision could remain dangerously intangible. If your mind has a cliched montage of the rock star's life on a loop, it can't effectively measure incremental progress in your guitar career.
Prepare yourself by imagining scenes full of misgivings, too. "In the last two weeks of your job," says Sills, "all of a sudden you'll fall in love with all of those coworkers who annoyed you." Change equals loss, but if you don't have a series of things you've walked away from, adds Lubetkin, you're probably not leading a rich life.
break your abstract idea of "being healthy" into the concrete daily choices—such as reaching for an apple instead of a Snickers—that will eventually make you so. Self-starter.
longer married, poorer mindreading
not as attentive
Namaste i bow to the divine in you
See your partner as a mystery worthy of curiosity
Sex focus on present. Breeds intimacy. Ocytocin for men.
Fantasies are illusions, eventually got my mind back.
“just do it” approach to sex; this section is aimed squarely at women, but what about those of us who have desires and willingness (to say the least) whose husbands don’t want to “just do it” with us b/c they say they find other women more attractive? This is not addressed. The book’s weak in the sex dept.
Also, re: the complaints -- the author’s examples are picayune (like how to load the dishwasher) compared to major conflicts like flirting, cheating, deceiving, lying (from cheating and affairs to gambling -- super-destructive behaviors).
Longer married - we presume to know all, often view partner as a fixed object and fail to notice new information. Aim to be open, present and curious about our partner. Then can engage.
3 hungers include sensual - to remove feelings of loneliness or lack of fulfillment.
Don’t soak up others’ moods
And warn if yours is bad/not them.
Equanimity - nonattachment-type love, kindness
Not one, not two
Jewels interconnected, reflect others but not the or fused
Second Noble Truth desire is the cause of suffering
Why cling to destructive emotions
Also reevaluate your interpretation of a behavior or words.
Respond with accommodation: compassion and constructive, letter
We can either try to remove all the thorns from the surface of the entire world, or wear shoes.
Healthy marriages have conflicts, it’s how they are addressed and resolved.
let go of having to be right
Surrender
Grudges kill desire
Stop wanting to win arguments or be right.
Forgiveness: a process with stages.
May you be well. May you be free from suffering.
Compassion for childhood upbringing-related problems.
Three Mental Torments: greed, anger, delusion
Tendency to teflon the positive and velcro the negative.
Shit-collecting
Water the seeds of joy in our minds and those we live with - Ninh Thach Thich Nhat Hanh
5:1 ratio
Savor the experience 20 sec, implant the good memory, imagine absorbing it.
Actively cultivate emotions that bring contentment.
Memory is reconstructive, says neuroscientists. We revise memories to suit our current mood or knowledge
Kevin does that to suit justifying his desires and actions...he told me about several memories, such as when he decided he realized he was not attracted to me and that he found me unattractive, when he decided sex with me would always be lousy... in Ocean Pines, which was 23 years before he ever mentioned these observations and decisions of his (so he never discussed or made any effort to resolve them with me, instead deciding that was sufficient for cheating on me while I worked on supporting him financially and morally.
The cards he wrote to me told completely different stories, clearly stating intentions he loved me, we’d be together in our old age, and that I “was the best decision he ever made.”
Mindful listening: pause, absorb
Perceive quit man was onion with layers she wishes he’d peel, but perhaps he’s simply a potato.
Use the 8 Fold Path
Skillful Understanding - vision and lovingkindness
Skillful Thought - right attitude
Skillful Speech - calm, no blamr
Skillful Action - grow food, eco tread lightly
Skillful Livelihood - both value working i ways to contribute positively to the world.
Skillful Effort builds good will
Skillful Mindfulness
Skillful concentration - sex and sleep, breath
Expressing appreciation makes you feel good.
Be more conscious of your own behavior.
====
May all be happy
May all be well
May all feel loved
May all feel safe
December 12, 2023
"Buddhism for Couples" is an excellent book that outlines Buddhist principles and teachings for a successful marriage. The greatest gift of Buddhist practice is to be able to see our lives more clearly through non-judgmental observation and thus change our prospective on our relationships. The author states that we must look deeply into our conditioned responses to understand what underlies them. This is accomplished vis a vis the Four Noble Truths and the Eight-Fold Path of Buddhism. This is an excellent book that I would highly recommend.
August 20, 2015
If you are interested in buddhism, improving your relationship with a romantic partner, or just a look into the head of a western Buddhist wife/mother's approach to obstacles this book is interesting. I snagged it from my libraries 'new release' section just because it seemed like a fun read. The author explores different ways mindfulness and meditation can enrich our experiences with a life partner while sharing amusing anecdotes of her own marriage to demonstrate certain principals. It's written lightly and informally. The end of each chapter has questions to consider, a sort of 'small exercise' to see if you understood the main thrust of the chapter. It has chapters on housework, child rearing, arguing, sex, money, and death, but most of it fixates on being considerate and not taking our loved ones for granted. Common sense stuff we all forget because human monkey brains are kind of stupid about getting what we actually need. ( Love and compassion )
She draws from popular psychological studies as well as Buddhist philosophy to underline her points. I don't know how much it could help a struggling couple, but it helped reinforce my commitment to some practices that I'd been letting slip lately in gratitude to my husband. This book seems more like an 'improving your relatively good but could be better long-term relationship book' rather than a 'save my crashing and burning marriage oh god' manual. Perhaps following the advice within, a lackluster relationship could be kept from getting to the burning wreckage stage. Worth a read if the price is right and you like the Buddhist lens to seeing things.
Little Gripes:
Most of Buddhist sources she cites have Western names and seem to be drawn from the self-help/workshop/corporate "white" Buddhism circuit rather than from Buddhist origin countries. This doesn't invalidate her experiences or the wisdom and insights of these sources, but I was hoping for more historical and cultural authenticity.
The copy text says this novel is for husbands and wives, but it's definitely for wives. The POV of the testimonials and interviews is most often middle to upper-middle class western married women with children. Although the author strives to use gender neutrals words in some sections, many sections presume the reader is a straight female. Since that's the demographic most likely to buy the book this is a good business decision but some readers outside of that group might find it a little alienating.
She draws from popular psychological studies as well as Buddhist philosophy to underline her points. I don't know how much it could help a struggling couple, but it helped reinforce my commitment to some practices that I'd been letting slip lately in gratitude to my husband. This book seems more like an 'improving your relatively good but could be better long-term relationship book' rather than a 'save my crashing and burning marriage oh god' manual. Perhaps following the advice within, a lackluster relationship could be kept from getting to the burning wreckage stage. Worth a read if the price is right and you like the Buddhist lens to seeing things.
Little Gripes:
Most of Buddhist sources she cites have Western names and seem to be drawn from the self-help/workshop/corporate "white" Buddhism circuit rather than from Buddhist origin countries. This doesn't invalidate her experiences or the wisdom and insights of these sources, but I was hoping for more historical and cultural authenticity.
The copy text says this novel is for husbands and wives, but it's definitely for wives. The POV of the testimonials and interviews is most often middle to upper-middle class western married women with children. Although the author strives to use gender neutrals words in some sections, many sections presume the reader is a straight female. Since that's the demographic most likely to buy the book this is a good business decision but some readers outside of that group might find it a little alienating.
June 24, 2021
I really, really liked the approach to relationships in this book. It's not about practicing Buddhism, rather it's about utilizing/ applying Buddhist teachings to improve your relationships. Topics include social conditioning women put on themselves for keeping house, taking care of children, showing love and service to their spouse. The author uses examples from her own relationship, mentions studies done by relationship experts such as John Gottman, and uses humor to handle serious subjects. I think this is a great book for new couples and those in long-term relationships.
February 20, 2023
Useful book, with some good advice and sometimes discussion of advice the author found perhaps not aligned with their values but shared it none the less. Some useful advice on practices. Also, though I'm not currently in a relationship, it was useful to reflect on prior ones and how things went. Some of the topics and advice can be applied beyond a partner relationship. Some ideas could be used in friend, family and co-worker relationships in some form.
May 24, 2019
it was really interesting to find one of the tales mentioned in the book (two men passed by a weeping woman beside a river) is used with the same exact wording in sufist texts..the more I read the more I feel what rules we need to know of to live a calm fulfilling life are simple and ubiquitous yet invisible to us!
September 24, 2016
Practical advice, but I might more readily categorize this as a self-help book than as a book of religious application. Maybe that's more my fault for misunderstanding the intent and reading with incorrect expectations. What's here isn't bad, but none of it is unexpected.
April 20, 2022
“At the end of life, our questions are very simple: did I live fully? Did I love well?”
“I don’t look back on my day and judge it for how much I got done. I look back and ask, “How present was I?””
Good read. We can always use help to improve relationships.
“I don’t look back on my day and judge it for how much I got done. I look back and ask, “How present was I?””
Good read. We can always use help to improve relationships.
December 12, 2015
Inspiring and practical.
July 2, 2016
Practical, no-nonsense and sensible. Some important reminders about what matters in life.
September 18, 2023
A friend of mine was reading this book and suggested I also read it. I did, and found it valuable, even though I didn’t connect strongly with it. The book feels like it was written for upper middle class suburban women who are interested in Buddhism and are struggling with their relationships.
While I have studied Buddhism a little bit, including a wonderful class on Buddhism in the West in seminary, and I seek to incorporate Buddhist principles and teachings into my own spiritual practices, I identify primarily as Christian. Likewise, I was assigned male at birth and present as male, although I question the social construction of gender and try to think in a non-binary manner.
I suspect this gets to some of my ambivalence about this book. I’ve been thinking a lot about decolonizing recently. As part of this, I’ve been reading about polyamory. I guess what I was hoping was that this book might be a little more expansive, something more like, Spirituality for Decolonized Polyamorous Relationships.
It is a good book for what it is, and I hope it is helpful to many.
While I have studied Buddhism a little bit, including a wonderful class on Buddhism in the West in seminary, and I seek to incorporate Buddhist principles and teachings into my own spiritual practices, I identify primarily as Christian. Likewise, I was assigned male at birth and present as male, although I question the social construction of gender and try to think in a non-binary manner.
I suspect this gets to some of my ambivalence about this book. I’ve been thinking a lot about decolonizing recently. As part of this, I’ve been reading about polyamory. I guess what I was hoping was that this book might be a little more expansive, something more like, Spirituality for Decolonized Polyamorous Relationships.
It is a good book for what it is, and I hope it is helpful to many.
April 10, 2019
This book was absolutely amazing. I Loved how it was able to look at many common relationship struggles and show them from a different perspective. It talked about how to really take your time with your partner show appreciation every chance you get. A line I really liked from this book was where it talked about the importance of taking the time to tell one another a few things you appreciate about your spouse in order to help keep communication strong. I also liked how she talked about never putting down your spouse in front of others or at home. It's important to keep negative emotions out of your relationship at all times to help make it beautiful and last a lifetime.
September 8, 2025
Accept that pain is unavoidable from those you love, e.g. a slight, an unmet expectation, etc. while suffering comes from holding onto that pain and ruminating on it. Holding onto pain is a choice. Your partner may have caused pain, probably unintentionally, but you are holding onto that pain intentionally and causing your own suffering. Accept that the suffering says more about you than your partner. Accept your partner for who they are, let them grow, and focus on their good attributes.
The book did not really address lines that should not be tolerated.
The book did not really address lines that should not be tolerated.
November 10, 2023
Great book!
I really enjoyed this book. I have only two things I would say to someone who would like to read it. One, if you’re not familiar with basic concepts of buddhism it may be a good idea to check them out as they appear throughout the book. Two: sometimes the author uses her own experience extensively in the chapters, so people who don’t enjoy authors doing this might not enjoy some chapters.
I really enjoyed this book. I have only two things I would say to someone who would like to read it. One, if you’re not familiar with basic concepts of buddhism it may be a good idea to check them out as they appear throughout the book. Two: sometimes the author uses her own experience extensively in the chapters, so people who don’t enjoy authors doing this might not enjoy some chapters.
April 25, 2018
I loved this book, every part of it. I've not had much experience with Buddhism before, and I doubt I'd ever embrace it as religion, but the techniques to feel less stressed in general in life and to feel calmer when our partners irritate us; invaluable. I will likely read some of the books that have been referred to in her book too, they look interesting. Thank you Sarah, a wonderful book.
May 16, 2017
Closer to 3.5. Enjoyed the first half but not a lot of the last few chapters
February 5, 2016
I really enjoyed this book. I read half of it today. I spent 6 months reading the first half. I get more reading a book slowly in some ways but I also forget the mood of the book.
The writer is inclusive, the discusses friends, her therapist, her partner (not so much her children) and trainings and retreats she goes on. She talks about the books and studies she has read. There's a lot of modern synthesizing of information in the book, and bouncing it off friends and even overheard conversations. I feel this is a strength of the book.
The Buddhism in the book is a kind of undercurrent, but it's present enough. I read a lot of things I need to think about and I'll pass on hoping my partner learn the lessons I want her to learn out of it. Like From's The Art of Love, in the end you have to take responsibility, and not hope others do the work for you.
The writer is inclusive, the discusses friends, her therapist, her partner (not so much her children) and trainings and retreats she goes on. She talks about the books and studies she has read. There's a lot of modern synthesizing of information in the book, and bouncing it off friends and even overheard conversations. I feel this is a strength of the book.
The Buddhism in the book is a kind of undercurrent, but it's present enough. I read a lot of things I need to think about and I'll pass on hoping my partner learn the lessons I want her to learn out of it. Like From's The Art of Love, in the end you have to take responsibility, and not hope others do the work for you.
May 20, 2015
No book on relationships has ever addressed my personal circumstances so precisely. I feel as though Sarah Napthali has spent a week observing my household and written the exact advice we need. However she does not write as some patronising expert but as someone who sees herself as an equal with her readers. She admits honestly to her own relationship failings and introduces approaches that are backed by modern research as well as Buddhist principles. This book is full of interesting information and my copy is full of highlighting.
May 14, 2020
I found this book a little cheesy at times but insightful in exploring buddhist principles in a relationship. Well explained and accessible for a novice like me without being too 'woo woo'.
November 20, 2017
This book uses examples from her real life which help illustrate the point. I love the calm approach through the principles of Buddhism! Would recommend to anyone!
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