Seagalogy: a Study of the Ass-Kicking Films of Steven Seagal

by Vern

Vern, the self-styled ‘outlaw film critic’, is known to millions for his hilarious reviews on the Ain’t It Cool News website, and is described by Hellboy director Guillermo Del Toro as “equal parts Hell’s Angels and Pauline Kael... a national treasure!”

Now, finally, Vern is ready to unleash his magnum an in-depth study of the world's only aikido instructor turned movie star/director/writer/blues guitarist/energy drink inventor — the ass-kicking auteur Steven Seagal. From Above the Law to his Mountain Dew commercials, his entire career is covered in Vern’s inimitable style.

As Vern himself puts it, Seagalogy is “a book that will shake the very foundations of film criticism, break their wrists and then throw them through a window."

Genres: Nonfiction, Film, Media Tie In, Biography, Humor, Comedy, American

352 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2007

About the author

Vern, the self-styled ‘outlaw film critic’, is known to millions for his hilarious reviews on the Ain’t It Cool News website, and is described by Hellboy director Guillermo Del Toro as “equal parts Hell’s Angels and Pauline Kael... a national treasure!”

Reviews

[John · Rating 3 out of 5]

First of all, forget all the five-star reviews. This is a good book, but it ain't THAT good. I guess since this is the only legit book on the work of Steven Seagal, hardcore fans can't help but go overboard in praising it. Also, the irony of having a talented writer treat Seagal's filmography as a serious "body of work" makes the book seem funnier than it really is. Expect to be amused, not to be ROTFL.
The first thing you need to understand about SEAGALOGY is that it isn't as tongue-in-cheek as you'd expect. Vern is an honest-to-God Steven Seagal fan (yes, those do exist) who takes a sincere interest in every facet of the big guy's career. Whenever he gives Seagal a hard time, it comes across as a good-natured ribbing rather than a genuine put-down. There is much about Seagal to both admire and criticize, and Vern is one of the few people to maintain a fair balance between the two.
The big problem with this book, though, is that the majority of it consists of plot summary. If you are already familiar with Seagal's movies, the constant barrage of story details gets old quickly. If you're trying to figure out which Seagal movies you should watch, this book will spoil the plots for you. The only people to whom I would whole-heartedly recommend this book are those who prefer to read about Seagal's movies rather than watch them. Unfortunately, I'm not sure many such people exist.
Most chapters in SEAGALOGY are little more than dressed-up movie reviews. Vern goes through each film in detail and provides a certain amount of commentary on what works and what doesn't. Most of the humor comes from him pointing out plot holes and various absurdities the average viewer probably missed. It's also great for clarifying the confusing elements found in each movie, which is no small matter because several of Seagal's films have been cut, re-edited, and stitched together worse than Frankenstein's monster.
For me, the best part of the book was at the end, when Vern provides an overview of all the specific traits that make a Seagal movie a Seagal movie. I think he's right when he says that Seagal's movies carry a specific imprint and wouldn't work with a different lead actor. For example, if Dolph Lundgren had starred in FIRE DOWN BELOW, you'd be saying "Why is Dolph behaving like Steven Seagal?" However, if Dolph Lundgren, Jean-Claude Van Damme, and Wesley Snipes all decided to use each other's scripts, it's doubtful anyone would notice.

[Cyn · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've read this book about 5 times now, I love it. I wish he'd write one about Jean-Claude Van Damme.

[Jeremy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This wouldn't have worked if it was just some troll making fun of Steven Seagal, but thankfully Vern, delight though he often may in spotlighting the man's numerous limitations, clearly feels true affection for the beefy limbsnapper. The conversational profanity detracts far more than it adds, but "Seagalogy" is funny, thorough, and even insightful. A bittersweet climax of sorts in which Vern briefly meets Seagal brings it all to a nice close. Unlikely to win over new converts, but if like myself you've sat through more of these movies than you're comfortable admitting, this is well worth spending a few hours with.

[Andy Carrington · Rating 4 out of 5]

Tongue-in-cheek analysis of Steven Seagal's [exceptionally large] catalogue of films, mixed with shameless action fanboyism.

This book is obviously marketed to the Seagal fans (and they're probably the only ones who will buy this), but Vern keeps his head and refrains from worshiping/drooling over the subject in question.

Seagal has a lot of critics; and Vern is another one. But what sets this book apart from the usual anti-Seagal cliches/ramblings on the Internet is the author's witty/informative style and his awareness of how ludicrous Steven Seagal's films actually are.

He notices a running formula (in the film titles/Seagal's reoccurring "authority" figure roles); and goes into the possible motivations/influences from real-life.

You don't necessarily need to have seen the films to appreciate the author's fascination with the Seagal library as a whole. This was a pretty entertaining read. And if anything, this'll probably make you want to laugh at Seagal even more.

[Mickey · Rating 5 out of 5]

Vern is not only my favorite film critic, he's one of my favorite writers period. This book is funny, but this is not 400 pages ripping apart Steven Seagal, nor is it in any way intended to be ironic. Vern understands that a great deal of what Steven Seagal does is unavoidably laughable, but he also very clearly has a sincere love of these movies. If you're looking for a 'Chuck Norris List' "OMGZ SEAGAL ONE TIME BROKE GODS WRIST LOLZ" kind of thing, you are absolutely not going to get it. This book is akin to having a particularly funny and intelligent friend explain in detail all of Steven Seagal's movies, pointing out the bad edits, story inconsistencies and just plain stupid, ridiculous or absurd plot points but also telling you exactly why these movies are awesome despite them.

[Ian · Rating 5 out of 5]

What an absolutely hilarious book! 5 stars just because this exists. I just have to point out that this thing is over 500 (!!) pages of Steven Seagal film criticism. I was yukking out loud the entire time. I love bad action movies! Vern does a stellar job nailing just how ridiculous and hilarious Seagal is in the 'mythology' of his persona and the OTT cheesiness of his oeuvre. Kudos to him for being able to sit through absolutely everything this guy has been in, including the unwatchable DTV flicks.

[Tom Fuchs · Rating 5 out of 5]

I like it!
I like Fawn Siemsen!
She has large boobies!!!!!
I am so excited about this!
Weeeeeeee!

[Will · Rating 5 out of 5]

Second only to the Bible.

[Josh Hitch · Rating 5 out of 5]

I had a lot of fun with this book. This is a reread. I first read it about a dozen years ago and wanted to revisit it since I remember it being funny. There is a lot of humor, but he is a true Seagal fan and takes him a lot more seriously than anyone really should. It goes through his whole career up to the release date up 2012 for the updated edition I read. Includes commercials and projects that didn't get made.

Highly recommended for fans of cheesy action flicks (which I unabashedly am) or fans of Seagal.

[Djordy Van Bruwaene · Rating 4 out of 5]

Hoe diep moet je zinken om een (weliswaar zeer goed en informatief) 500 blz lang boek te schrijven over Steven Seagal. Eigenlijk 3.5 want de humor kon soms nogal plat vallen

[Kate · Rating 5 out of 5]

The infamous Vern has written a funny but comprehensive book on the study of Steven Seagal films. I have come to this book reluctantly but my man is obsessed with these movies. My favorite part was the little synopsis at the end of each chapter (movie)---they were classic!

[Sipovic · Rating 3 out of 5]

Вызывающая уважение попытка разбора всего творческого пути Стивена Сигала, которая для человека в теме окажется пустоватой. Автор с одной стороны на полном серьёзе разбирает мотивы и художественные решения в нетленках, с другой - постоянно читателю подмигивает, при этом усиленно избегая самого важного объекта исследования - самого Сигала. А без этого книга не даёт ответ даже на самый элементарный вопрос: как из короля бокс офиса сэнсэй превратился в бормочущего фрика, за которого даже по лестнице ходит дублёр. Конечно это очень здорово изучать политический подтекст и правдивость обложки, изготовленной в Восточной Европе поделки за миллион, но заменить этим историю мутации первоначального плана из-за того, что Стивен ленился, обжирался, враждовал с режиссером, запирался в трейлере с проститутками или требовал срочно добавить сцену в опере невозможно, а баек таких десятки, если не сотни. Особенно это раздражает при наведении на резкость фильмографии сумрачного периода, в которой это - единственный реальный цимес. Поэтому многие проекты, заслуживающие внимания своей кривостью или закулисной драмой, идут формальной отпиской.  К тому же летопись обрывается в 2010 году, не захватывая больше дюжины хитов, благодаря чему оставляет ощущение незавершённости и недосказанности, что всегда плохо для научной работы.
Поэтому верю, что настоящее изучение творчества великого воина ещё впереди, поскольку без критической оценки личности звезды Сигалогия выходит пусть и нескучной, но не наукой, а лишь небольшим религиозным культом.

[Nicholas · Rating 3 out of 5]

Funny and sometimes even illuminating look at the films of Seagal. Most of us are big fans of something that even we can't explain why. We take it more seriously then we should, but there it is; a part of who we are. Vern's love for Seagal movies is pure and I completely understand it. This is the book many of us fanboys wish we could write about our given obsession (in my case Nick Fury maybe?) Great book.

[Chad · Rating 3 out of 5]

More insightful that I'd anticipated. This isn't a "spoof" book or anything, but it is very funny. I'd say it gets a little repetitive, which coincides the nature of Seagal's films. If you check it out, it might take a while to get accustomed to the writer's very specific (and I assume comically geared) writing style. Must say, I was entralled by the "The Ass-Kicker Auteur Theory."

[Paul · Rating 5 out of 5]

Brilliantly funny. Subtly parodic in its perspective on Seagal's films, but also unexpectedly lucid in its examination of the Seagal 'badass auteur' stamp. Picks apart the motifs within Seagal's films and makes some incredibly insightful points about the movies, whilst containing a strong vein of humour. Very clever.

[Barbara · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've read this once already. But, Frankenstein gets to be a bit much for me, so I go back to this "classic"! This book is possibly the funniest book I've ever read in my life. And, Steve is my hero!

[Nathan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very detailed and lovingly pieced together. Identifies themes in Seagal's career and studiously outlines his oeuvre in a most respectful way (yes, even the DTV films).

[Rick Burin · Rating 4 out of 5]

My older brother is many things: a talented musician, a gifted linguist, a Steven Seagal fan. His love of lunkheaded action films really is second to none. I bought him this book for Christmas. “I already have it,” he said. “But as a present, please can you read it so we can talk about it.”

Oh ffs.

I am not a Steven Seagal fan.

But this book is great.

You might want to dip into it a chapter at a time, rather than essentially reading it in one go as I did, as otherwise it can get a little samey, but Vern is the perfect guide to the Seagal canon: a fan whose fandom doesn’t prevent him from recognising the essential ridiculousness of the star’s canon. Done as a film-by-film breakdown – though with diversions, including a live review of Seagal’s blues band, and a write-up of his energy drink – it reveals the recurring motifs of this actor-auteur’s work: his mysticism, his ex-CIA protagonists, his well-meaning but commercially disastrous environmental speeches, his predilection for throwing people through glass windows…

One of Vern’s gifts is his ability to contextualise: you don’t need to know much about DTV action films, you don’t need to have seen most of these films, he’ll give you all the info you need to get the references – and the jokes. And fuck me, the jokes are brilliant. I laughed out loud quite a few times. My favourite punchline is the one where he describes the hopeless honeytrap operation in True Justice as being like “instead of putting a worm on a fishhook they just threw the worm in the water”. There are also some brilliant running jokes about the titles of the films – a special mention for the fantastically risible, Out for a Kill. Vern is also good at dissecting the political subtexts of these films – the assumptions it makes about its characters and its audiences – from a broadly left perspective (this is confirmed by the reference he makes to once flipping off Dick Cheney).

I’m not going to go and watch all these films. Most of them sound shit, to be honest. But I’d recommend the book: getting a knowledgeable, funny tour of someone’s passion – where they can spot connections and cross-reference across their subject – is always a treat.

And [whispers] I will ask my brother [even more quietly] if we can maybe pop on Out for Justice the next time I go to see him. JUST BECAUSE I LIKE WILLIAM FORSYTHE, OK. It’s just that. Ffs.

[David · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am a fan of Steven Seagal and have seen every film he has made. But, even I found this book growing tedious as I entered the DTV-Era of Seagal movies. The rest of this book is very good. Vern gets very detailed going into each movie and he does spoil the movies. But if you're enough of fan to read this, you've already seen all of the good Seagal movies at least a few times with the exception of the DTV movies. If you've not seen the DTV movies, then this may make you interested in viewing at least some of them.
The main problem is that Vern remains very detailed even for the DTV-Era movies which are really bad and this gets tedious reading eight to ten pages about a movie that was barely watchable to begin with. After reading this, I still can't think of reason to re-watch most of the DTV-Era movies.
The Chief Seagal Era is at least interesting as Seagal branches out into other areas like Reality TV and a TV Show. This makes the end of the book along with the Appendices very interesting. Vern did provide some interesting facts about each movie, even the DTV movies. Vern is a true Seagal fan and is able to link common themes through all of Seagal's movies. Vern also covered Seagal's music, which I had known almost nothing about before reading this book. Some of his music is actually pretty good.
If you are a fan of Seagal and you want to know a lot more about Seagal, then give this book a shot! It is worth a try.

[j · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a Christmas present from a friend I watch a lot of movies with. We'd seen the Under Siege films (the wrong way around) and he bought me this so I could get under the skin of Seagal.

Vern's main idea is that there is such a thing as "a Seagal film", whether or not Steven Seagal is in it. There are recurring motifs that are characteristically Seagalian. These seem to concentrate around the classical Eastern ideal of a warrior-poet: one who is cultured, moral, worldly, noble; one who fights injustice, mentors others, values and protects the world around them. Seagalian works incorporate these (conventionally Eastern) ideas into the (very US) media of blockbuster and direct-to-video films. (Perhaps this reflects Seagal's self-image as a soul in touch with classical Asian values, placed in an American body and culture? Who can say.)

I enjoyed reading film criticism which contends that an actor can be the driving force behind a film's message (as opposed to the director or screenwriter). I enjoyed the glimpse into the world of filmmaking, especially that of lower-budget or lower-profile endeavours. I enjoyed reading a fan talk about a topic he loves: the author Vern's enthusiasm is palpable.

Sure, neither this book nor Seagal's movies are particularly high art, but that's no bad thing. It reads like an excited friend telling you about a great B-movie they saw and loved... because that's exactly what it is, swearwords and sex jokes and crass remarks and all.

After the thorough, piece-by-piece discussion of Seagal's major works, the book ends with appendices on his other miscellaneous appearances and projects. The concluding chapter is a write-up of a Seagal concert which the author attended. He (Vern) arrives at the show with unclear expectations. As it transpires, the event is well-managed, the music is great and the crowd is completely on-side. Seagal even meets and greets his fans -- Vern included -- after the show. No-one is there to mock or to look down their nose. The overwhelming image is one of all-round, honest joy. That show, like this book, is positive in a completely genuine way. That's what I most enjoyed.

It was not easy-going to pore through the forensic examination of dozens of films that I haven't seen, so I can't picture myself re-reading this book in a hurry. It's also a pretty hard sell to anyone not already a fan of the topic. However I am happy I have read it, partly for the filmic reasons above but principally for its sincerity of purpose and message. Thanks for the present, Jim.

[Atef Attia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Aussi improbable que ça puisse paraître, ce guide film par film, du fascinant objet de culte qu'est Steven Seagal est une analyse aussi complète que sérieuse de sa filmo et qui a le bon gout de ne pas s'embarrasser du côté biographique du personnage (somme toute franchement détestable).

Divisé en 3 parties (ou ères, comme le dit l'auteur : l'âge d'or, l'âge d'argent et enfin l'enfer du DTV) le livre bénéficie d'une réelle expertise d'amateur de films d'action (l'auteur est un critique ciné underground quasiment aussi culte que le Seagal) qui place chaque pellicule dans son contexte historique, faisant aussi la lumière sur toute une industrie du divertissement qui a connu maintes mutations.

Bien évidemment, si vous n'êtes fan ni de films d'action, ni du Senseï lui même, ce livre n'aura aucun intérêt pour vous.

[Anatol Seibel · Rating 3 out of 5]

Через десять минут после начала чтения этой книги вы обнаружите себя просматривающим фильм Above the Law. И, возможно, вы затем посмотрите (пусть и на перемотке) все первые фильмы Сигала как минимум до Under Siege 2. Из памяти то они давно стерлись, но в 90-е это были вполне себе культовые боевики. Книга обращает много внимания на детали, так что волей неволей приходится попутно сверяться с первоисточником - иначе не получите и половины удовольствия. Все это обильно сдобрено неплохим юмором.

Про первые фильмы, благодаря ностальгическим воспоминаниям, читать интересно, остальное уже пролистывал.

[Ben Neidl · Rating 4 out of 5]

I don't like Steven Seagal movies. But this in-depth review of all of them is a joy to read. The author does like the movies but he knows they're ridiculous, tackling them from that perspective. The result is a really funny read.

[Halina Hetman]

To see how Steven Seagal sold out his country, watch this YouTube video on his work for Russian government:

[My Spines Are Crooked · Rating 5 out of 5]

"The action in the movie is not very memorable, but I did like the part where a big vampire had a grenade stabbed into his chest."

[Matt · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great balance of research, film criticism, and humor. Really makes me want to read a similarly well-researched sequel about Seagal’s scandals and his political/Russian era.

[Will Tarpley · Rating 4 out of 5]

My interest in Seagal came after I began watching Matthew Buck’s hilarious reviews of such failed Seagal films as ‘Out of Reach,’ ‘Shadow Man,’ and ‘Mercenary for Justice.’ Thanks to Seagal’s recent bizarre naming as Russia’s special envoy to the U.S., plus a whole bunch of dunking on him on YouTube, my interest peaked at a fever pitch when I discovered this.

A compilation of analysis’s on nearly all of Seagal’s filmography, and then some, up to 2012, “Outlaw Critic Vern” applies a warped version of auteur theory to Seagal’s body of work. From outlining the politics of one movie, the bar fights and glass breaking to even all the different firsts, such as the length of a title, the first time Seagal’s backstory is run down and the beginning of his environmentalism.

Vern’s writing is something to behold here; he casually swears and cracks sardonic remarks, and yet he is rarely anything other than sincere. He masterfully exposes hidden depths in both Seagal’s work and the Under Siege star himself, from documenting how he believes the world view of each Seagal film is connected to that of the star himself. Even as someone who’s likely a casual film buff at best, one not even really interested in Steven Seagal, this was truly a delight to read.

Was this book necessary in the grand shape of things? Likely not, but it is certainly not worse for it. This was one of the best and consistently entertaining critical analysis of any work I’ve ever read. And for that, I’m grateful.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you, Vern.

[Josh Sonnier · Rating 5 out of 5]

If my mind had a wrist, this book would have broken it and thrown me through a window.

I normally don't feel like shadow boxing or meditating on the finite nature of man before reading a book. But this book, this awesome and terrifying book, leaves me more than a little worried that its subject, the likewise awesome and terrifying Steven Seagal, is somehow out to get me (or at least knows I am reading about him). The author applies his “Badass Auteur Theory,” or “the idea that in some types of action or badass pictures, it is the badass (or star) who carries through themes from one picture to the next” to the whole of the seagal's oevre, including musical efforts.

If you doubt the strength of the author's theory, ask yourself how any episode of any show would be transformed by even the most fleeting glimpse of Steven Seagal.

The most effective support for B.A.T., though, is the existence of the book itself. Since Seagal appears in it, it becomes a "Steven Seagal Book" rather than just an extremely readable and entertaining journey through all things Seagal. How about a "dizzying look through the seagalian lens, whose refractory power transforms governments into criminal agencies, submarines into helicopters, ponytails into widow's peaks, and of course, arms into pretzels."

[Stephen Theaker · Rating 4 out of 5]

What Vern does so well is get at why people enjoy these films. He's superb at pulling out what's good about a film, regardless of the dross it's buried under. He's also relentlessly hilarious, and has a tremendous eye for detail.

It's a bit weird to read his writing without any of the usual deliberate misspellings - it doesn't feel quite right - but I can understand why he's cleaned it up. It would have put off readers unfamiliar with his work.

The only question mark over the book is that it doesn't seem to address Seagal's reputation for sexual harassment, though I've hopped about a bit and might have missed it. Granted, it's not a biography, but nevertheless...

Overall, though, this is a fine and original piece of writing. I'm looking forward to whatever Vern turns to next - Wesley Snipes, maybe? Of Seagal's ouevre, I've only ever seen Exit Wounds, so I'm also looking forward to watching a few Seagal movies. This book's played havoc with my Lovefilm list...

[Townsend the Wonder Hamster · Rating 4 out of 5]

Having read & enjoyed Vern's "Yippie Ki-Yay Moviegoer", I set aside my (perhaps unreasonable) prejudices about Steven Seagal's movies, & picked up "Seagalogy". And read it amost in 1 sitting, it's so funny & fascinating. And even harder to believe: I enjoyed it. Gasp!

Vern has produced a work of almost PhD-thesis quality, & has left no stone unturned in his quest to see & examine Seagal's films. Even I, who'd never knowingly watch a Seagal Film (except that one with Tommy Lee Jones in it, & only because Tommy Lee Jones is in it) appreciated Vern's efforts to produce a rounded view of the fellow & his acting. Vern made the penultimate sacrifice & set aside other worldly considerations to devote time in producing such a thoughtful & scholarly study. Which includes a whole heap of laugh-producing opinions & prose.

Someone has already said this, but it can't be said often enough: Thank you, Vern, for putting in the hard yards so the rest of us don't have to.